A Sarcastic Git's Golden Rules at Hogwarts

by Twisted Biscuit

Hogwarts has a Sarcastic Little Git inside it’s walls. That Sarcastic Little Git is deeply disgruntled. In an effort to strike out against those who annoy him [read:everybody], he is posting mocking and vaguely offensive “Guidelines” on the notice boards.

10. 10 Golden Rules for Large Black Dogs

Disclaimer: I own nuthink.

Author's Note: AmoriaBlack gets a cookie. I've decided. She is indeed correct, and hopefully her remarks combined with brilliant deductions on the part of the readers of this chapter will clarify who the Sarcastic Git is. Oh and if anyone had any particular requests for chapters, may I recommend asking me in the very near future so I can get it done. Thank you.

---

10 GOLDEN RULES FOR LARGE BLACK DOGS AT HOGWARTS

1. Have an unhealthy attachment to any and all Gryffindor students. Salivating all over their person, attaching thyself to their limbs, barking uncontrollably, wagging your tail with dangerous ferociousness and all around hyperactivity is recommended whenever you come in contact with them. Bystanders be damned.

2. Be uncannily aware of illegal Animagi at all points in time.

3. While you may be aware of the illegal Animagi, and while you may communicate with perfect eloquence the fact that you want to go for a walk around the lake instead of around the forest, any attempts to communicate illegal Animagi will result in your untimely demise. (In accordance with Prophecy number 7, from Lassie the Great Canine Seer)

4. Despite repeated opportunities, never under any circumstances hunt and kill Mrs Norris. Ignore the fact that, as a dog, it is your JOB to hunt down cats and also ignore the fact that you would be held in such esteem by students that you may well be elevated to the status of Dog God on Earth. Leave her be. It's fine, really.

5. Howl a lot. No one minds. Honest.

6. If you discover one day that you are any smaller than an obese grizzly bear, compensate accordingly by jumping up at people. Even people who don't want you to jump up.

7. Drool is endearing, not disgusting.

8. Should I arrive for Care Of Magical Creatures with a bacon sandwich snatched from the breakfast table in an attempt to curb my ravenous appetite after sleeping late… feel free to take it from me as soon as my attention turns to the teacher.

9. Upon stealing the aforementioned bacon sandwich, inhale it with such speed and hostility that none of it actually comes in contact with your taste buds. Whilst I was savouring every delicious, perfectly cooked mouthful it gives me immense pleasure to watch you swallow it in one gulp. Without even chewing. My pleasure is your pleasure.

10. Roll in mud, swamp water, and any foul substance you can find until you positively reek of every malodorous mephitis you can get your grubby little paws near. Then attack Care of Magical Classes at your leisure. They'll think it's "cute".