"After years of endless torment and hard work and blood and sweat and stuff like that, What They Should Have Done is finally coming to an end," said BHB, filing her much-bitten nails.
"Finally," muttered Gandalf.
"It was fun," said Frodo.
"And so, to celebrate, we're having the really early after party right here!" yelled BHB, throwing away the file and firing her H&K P7M8 pistol into the ceiling. Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and stared at her.
"Uh...I brought punch!" said Frodo, pointing at an obnoxiously huge bowl of punch.
"Yay!" yelled everyone, running towards the punch bowl.
Frodo sighed in relief, knowing he had averted disaster.
"Hey, BHB...I was thinking..." started Gandalf.
"That's great Gandalf, the world needs more people who think," said BHB absentmindedly, distracted by the punch and its promises of fruity goodliness
"Yeah, anyway, I thought that maybe we could rent a karaoke machine or something. It'd be nice if we all had something to do besides sit around and drink crappy punch that someone's probably spiked."
"Spiked? NONSENSE!" yelled Aragorn, running away from the polar bears in his mind.
"...Ok then. So, what do you think?" asked Gandalf.
BHBs face remained expressionless.
"Bunny? Helloooo...did you hear me?"
"Yes, Gandalf. I heard you," said BHB, smiling evilly. "That is a wonderful idea. Rent away, Gandalf. Rent away."
"Er...Ok, I'll go get one...be right back, I guess," Gandalf turned to leave, when suddenly a random hobbit-looking girl glomped Gandalf to the ground.
"NO!" she yelled. "Don't let BHB manipulate you!"
Yes, this girl was the author Leaviel. Go read her stuff, it'll do ya a world of good.
"What? It's just karaoke!" yelled Gandalf, pinned to the ground.
"Yes, yes, it SEEMS innocent enough...but then..." Leaviel twitched. "She'll go crazy with references to Japanese rock bands that no one has ever heard of!"
"OH NOES!" yelled everyone.
"Um...uh...LOOK BEHIND YOU! THE FIRST DRABBLE!" yelled BHB. Everybody turned around as BHB ran away.
ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING
It was early evening in the Barrow Downs, and the only sounds that could be heard were the hysterical screams and the sound of little running hobbit feet. And of course, we all know who it was disturbing the peace.
Frodo was running for his miserable life and screaming at the top of his lungs. "GANDALF! OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Right here," said Gandalf, who had been running beside him for the past five minutes.
"Oh. WELL, GET US OUT OF HERE!" screamed Frodo hysterically.
"Why?" asked Gandalf.
"THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! HE'S COMING, AND WE HAVE TO GET AWAY, NOW!"
"Ok, ok..." So Gandalf used his mad skillz to teleport the both of them back to Hobbiton.
"I think I know who you were running from," started Gandalf. "It was...Bombadil, wasn't it?"
The instant he spoke the dreaded name, thunder crashed and forbidding music played, despite the fact that the weather was bright and sunny.
"Shh! Don't say his name!" said Frodo. He suddenly broke down completely. "I'm horrible, Gandalf! I didn't know what to do, and I just ran...And Merry and Pippin...I don't think they got away! I just left them there, with that...that...Oh Gandalf!" he sobbed pathetically.
"Dude. We're ok," said Merry and Pippin.
"And we don't really blame you," added Merry.
"We would have done the same thing!" said Pippin.
"Merry! Pippin! You're alive!" cried Frodo. "And Gandalf! You saved our lives back there!"
"Aw...there's so much love here!" said Pippin.
"Group hug!" yelled Merry.
They all hugged Gandalf, who threatened to rip their heads off if they didn't stop, so it didn't last very long.
"Well, at least I accomplished the mission," said Frodo, sniffing after their little moment.
"Yeah, so Middle Earth is saved!" yelled Merry joyously.
"You were trying to give the ring to Tom Bombadil, weren't you?" asked Gandalf, ignoring the thunder crash and forbidding music that played as he said the name. "Are you crazy? Who in their right minds would go NEAR him?"
"Exactly. No Orc, Urak-hai, or Ringwraithe would be insane enough to go within fifty miles of that guy!" said Frodo triumphantly.
"I just hope you're right," said Gandalf.
Meanwhile, around the Barrow Downs...
"Holy crap! Bombadil has the ring!" yelled some random Ringwraithe.
Thunder crashed. Forbidding music played. You get the picture.
"Retreat!" yelled the Wraithes small army of Urak-Hai.
"Good idea!" yelled the Ringwraithe.
And so they all ran away. Yay.
"Man, I hated that one," said Frodo.
"Yeah," said BHB. "I almost considered feeling sorry for what I put you through."
"Just doing mah job!" said Frodo.
"...You know what the early after party needs?" said BHB.
"What? Balloons? Streamers? ...Music?"
"Nonononono...Although, music would-"
"Don't even think about it," called Leaviel from across the room, where she was glomping Merry and having the time of her life.
"Yeah, so anyway, we need some guest stars. Besides Leaviel."
"Why?" asked Frodo.
"Well, in the last versions early afterparty, we had lots of guests...Like Tony from the Shining, and Lady Cregga Rose Eyes, the badger lord..."
"What about budget cuts?" asked Frodo.
"It's the last chapter. It's not like we're saving up for anything." She snapped her fingers and Hedgewife Myrtle the Punisher burst in through the window.
"Ok, there's one. Now for the token Redwall character..." She snapped her fingers again, and Badger Lady Melesme popped into the room.
"Good, good," said BHB, surveying the room. "Now for one more..." She snapped her fingers one more time and 'Heart of Sword' by T.M.Revolution started playing in the background. "Whoops, wrong author power."
"Well, it is the ending theme to Ruroni Kenshin...so I guess some people will get it." said Leaviel.
BHB snapped her fingers one more time and Possibly Steve appeared in the room, only to be shunned by everyone there.
"Well, it's better then nothing," said BHB. She snapped her fingers one more time and the second drabble started.
ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING
Frodo was in Bag End, eating his second breakfast, when there was a knock at the door. He opened it, and Merry and Pippin walked in, carrying a small box.
"Great! You got the supplies!" said Frodo, happily.
"Yes, yes, and it took forever to find!" said Merry.
"We want a reward for this!" added Pippin.
"Ok ok, you can have my Evil Sackville Baggins voodoo doll."
"Woohoo!" yelled Merry and Pippin, grabbing the doll and running over to...wherever they go to torture stuff. Shut up, I'm lazy, and what Frodo's doing is more important. So he opened the box and inside was a Morgul Knife!
"OMG!" yelled everyone.
"What?" Frodo looked around confusedly at the crowd of people that had randomly appeared in the room.
"Um...uh...YOU SAW NOTHING!" yelled the crowd as they ran out the door.
"Freaking tourists..." muttered Frodo
And so he took the knife and, defying all laws of physics, stabbed the ring!
"OMG!" yelled Sam.
"Go away!" yelled Frodo.
"Yeesh. You could just lock your door," said Sam, leaving.
Anyways, the ring began reacting oddly-
"OMG!" yelled the Evil Sackville Baggins.
"Dammit!" yelled Frodo. "Get out of my house!"
"Never! This house will one day be mine!"
"No, it won't, so DEAL WITH IT!"
And then there was some huge epic battle between Frodo, Evil Sackville Baggins, and some Ewoks, that defied all that anyone could ever do to describe an epic battle, which isn't too bad, because I don't have to write it out. Yay, I'm lazy.
Anyways, after Frodo vanquished the Evil Sackville Baggins and the Ewoks flew away to fight Imperial Walkers, Frodo turned his attention to the Ring, and gasped. The ring was now-
"OMG!" yelled Arwen.
"ARRRGGGHHH!"
17 minutes of stabbing and locksmithing later...
The ring was now Wraithe Ring!
"I don't think it works like that," said Frodo, looking at the new Ringwraith No. 10.
Shut up, this was in the original.
"Stupid original," muttered Frodo.
Wraithe Ring: Muahahahahaha! The ring is in my grasp! Heck, it pretty much IS my grasp!
"What a n00b. It's speaking in script," said Frodo.
"You speak in script when you get drunk, Frodo," said Elrond who had blown up Frodos newly locked door to get in.
"And I suppose you've seen me drunk before."
"Yes. Many, many times."
"Oh. I was not aware of that. ...Wait...But Ringwraithes look for the ring...so this guy is looking for himself? Crap, is he emo and trying to find his existence in this vast and meaningless void we call reality?"
"Now look who's emo," muttered Elrond.
"And what the heck do I do with it? Keep it as a pet?"
"It is kinda cute."
"Yeah, I could buy a little hamster cage for it," said Frodo thoughtfully. "Then again, after losing my last few hamsters in that freak flower picking accident, I don't think it's legal for me to keep a pet anymore."
"I'll take it," said Elrond, who still, come to think of it, hadn't been kicked out of Bag End yet. Odd. I guess it's because he's Elrond.
"Great," said Frodo, tossing him the Wraithe Ring. "Don't let it escape."
"Oh, that's the last thing you need to worry about..." said Elrond, smiling evilly.
Wraithe Ring: Oh noes, I bet he'll molest me or something! Frodo father! Help me!
"You speak in script! You mean nothing to me!" yelled Frodo.
"YOU speak in script if you get drunk," Elrond reminded him.
"And I suppose you've seen me drunk?"
"...Shut up." Elrond took the ring and disappeared.
"...AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"Sometimes I wonder what I was smoking when I first wrote these..." said BHB.
"I think we all wonder that," said Gandalf. "I'm glad I wasn't in this one."
"Don't get too comfortable. You're in the next one."
"Dammit."
"Hm...well I have nothing else to say or do. NEXT DRABBLE!"
ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING
Frodo and Gollum were conversing on a rock.
"So, let me get this straight..." started Frodo. "If I give you the ring, you'll get rid of it for me, and you give me this...golden fish you speak of?"
"Yes yes, master! Yes!" said Gollum, nodding his head.
"And it's safe to assume that you mean a solid gold statue of a fish, studded with priceless jems and other assorted shiny things?"
"Er...Yeah, sure."
"...You drive a hard bargain, Gollum. But...I guess I could sell the fish and make millions."
"Er...Yeah. Sure. We'll go with that."
"The ring is yours!" said Frodo, giving the ring to Gollum, who then dropped a dead goldfish at Frodos feet and ran off.
"Hm." said Frodo thoughtfully. "I think I've just been ripped off."
"You idiot!" yelled Gandalf. "You gave it to Gollum! Do you honestly think he will get rid of it?"
"...Yeah. Everyone knows he's the true hero of Middle Earth. The ring would probably never have been destroyed in the book if Gollum hadn't gone all matrix on us and bit off my finger."
"You're an idiot! A complete and total--"
A very ghastly and awesome explosion coming from the general Mordor area cut him off.
"OH YEAH!" yelled Frodo. "Gollum: one. Gandalf: ZERO! BWAHAHAHA!"
"...I'm going to go sulk in the darkness now."
"And now for some short interviews with the guest stars!" yelled BHB, sitting on a chair across from Badger Lady Melesme. "So, Melesme, how are you?"
"Pretty good. We just wasted a crapload of vermin scum yesterday. It was great fun."
"Good for you. What do you think of Middle Earth?" asked BHB.
"It's nice...I should come here on vacation or something," said Melesme.
"Indeed. And now to interview Hedgewife Myrtle the Punisher!"
Melesme left and Myrtle sat down in her place.
"Hey Myrtle!"
"I'm mad at you!"
"What?"
"I'M the token Redwall character! I starred in Outcast of Redwall! How could you forget me?"
"Er...I'm sorry?"
"Yeah, well, sorry doesn't cut it!"
"Ok Myrtle, obviously you're very emotional right now, so...uh...Next interview!"
Myrtle was kicked out of the chair, and Possibly Steve took her place.
"Possibly Steve! How's life treatin' ya?"
"Pretty good, other then the fact that everyone hates me."
"So, Possibly Steve, tell us about yourself! We're all somewhat curious."
"Well, I grew up in Vermont, riding horses. But then I lost my kidney in the following Vermont-Connecticut War."
"Y'know what? You're boring. Leave now."
"But I-"
BHB pulled a Dragonov out of nowhere and pointed it at Possibly Steve menacingly. He slunk off without a complaint.
"And last but not least--" BHB was cut off as Leaviel glomped her.
"YAY! I'm next!" yelled Leaviel, all happy like.
"Er...I was actually going to interview the west wall of the room, but I guess you're more capable of answering my questions."
"YAY!" She sat down all happy like.
"So...how are you?"
"I'm just spiffy!"
"That's great. And how does that make you feel?"
"Uh...spiffy?"
"Now tell me about your childhood, which I hope is really tragic just cuz it'll be entertaining."
"Well...I once had several pet hamsters, but they were kidnapped by some maniac that looked suspiciously like Elijah Wood."
Everyone looked at Frodo, who slinked into a corner, blushing.
"And some time later, I went off to pick flowers...and I found their remains, and then-"
"OK, OK, SHOWS OVER," yelled Frodo, failing to hide the hysterics threatening to invade his voice. "NEXT DRABBLE!"
ONE WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING
"Gandalf! We can do whatever we want to the ring now!" yelled Frodo, glomping Gandalf.
Gandalf clawed at his face and said, "No, we can't. Sauron sees all."
"Not anymore he doesn't."
Meanwhile in Mordor, Saurons eye had a giant blindfold on and he was screaming his curses at the world.
"Uh...ok then." said Gandalf. "What should we do?"
"Give it to Merry and Pippin!" yelled Frodo.
"YAY!" yelled Merry and Pippin triumphantly.
"Eh, ok-wait WHAT?! We can't do that! It's the ring! We can't trust these idiots with something like THE RING!" yelled Gandalf.
"That was a good movie."
"Yeah, it was- WAIT, no no no, we're not talking about THAT Ring! Yeesh, I swear I'm turning into you people or something!"
"Well, it's a good thing we gave the ring to Merry and Pippin, right Gandalf?" said Frodo cheerily. Merry and Pippin were nowhere in sight and they had apparently taken the ring with them.
"Gah! What-when...WHAT?! God, I hate you all!"
"I love you too, Gandalf."
"Well, that was short," said BHB, sitting in a leather armchair and petting a stuffed lobster.
"Yes, it was," agreed Leaviel, who was in a similar situation, only with a stuffed Kyo. Y'know...from Fruits Basket? That REALLY girly anime with that one girl whos SO FREAKING HAPPY you just want to shove her into a- ok, ok, I'll shut up now.
"And it looks like there's only one more to go..."
Frodo popped between the two armchairs and burst into tears. "I'm gonna miss you guys!"
"Um...that's great. Anyway, I guess I need to perform the apology before the final blow...Sorry for the incredibly long wait between chapters! I did my best, but I'm just so easily distracted by my social life (or lack thereof) and my grades and my composing! And then there was the lack of inspiration, and at this point I'm just kinda forcing out the final chapter so I can focus on Instant Music and hopefully not hit a HUGE snag of writers block and do the same thing I did to this and-"
"That's great, but we don't care," said everyone.
"Yeah BHB, we love you," added Frodo.
"..." said everyone else. Aragorn raised a hand awkwardly. "Um, actually-"
"SHUT UP, NEXT DRABBLE!" yelled Frodo, pointing dramatically at said drabble...like that's totally possible.
"You mean the last drabble?" said Merry and Pippin.
Frodo faltered for a moment, then swiftly burst into tears once more. "I'm gonna miss you guys SOOOO--"
"Get on with it!" yelled Gandalf. "Death Note is on in an hour, and I don't want to miss it!"
"Yeah! Wait, you watch Death Note?" asked Merry and Pippin.
"Yeah, L is totally hawt!"
"..." said everyone.
THE FINAL WAY TO GET RID OF THE RING
Pippin and Merry burst into Bag End, screaming, "Frodo, there are some evil rabid pretzels on the loose!"
"I don't care! There are more important things then the survival of the only home we've ever known!" yelled Frodo dramatically.
"Yeah, but they've been at Farmer Maggots crop! And we HEAR the pain of the produce, Frodo, we HEAR it! And it's really loud!"
"Hm. How loud?" asked Frodo, frowning in his cute hobbity way.
"REALLY loud!" yelled Merry.
"LOUD like a FOX!" yelled Pippen.
"Well, deal with it. I have something more important to do!" yelled Frodo in his self importance.
"Ooh. Like what?"
"I can't tell you, it's a surprise!"
Suddenly Gandalf popped in like magic! Only not, cuz that's what it actually was! "Hey Frodo, how're we going to kill evil today? I want to get this over with!"
"No, Gandalf, that has to wait! I'm trying to set something up!"
Suddenly Gollum staggered out of Frodos room, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Hey Frodo, what the hell happened last night?!"
This random awkward statement became even more awkward when Treebeards voice was heard coming from Frodos room. "Gollum, honey, come baaaaaack...Hoom."
"Ugh, WHAT? What the hell is going on?!" yelled/asked Gandalf.
"I don't know anymore!" groaned Merry and Pippin in anguish.
"I know!" said Sam, popping up outside the window.
"Shut up, Sam!" yelled everyone.
And then Legolas fell through the ceiling. "Ow," muttered the bishie elf.
"Ok, ok, HOLD IT!" yelled Frodo. Everyone stopped what they were doing.
There was a pause as Frodo walked up to Gandalf and got down on one knee, holding up a ring-sized box.
"Gandalf, will you-"
"Not on your life."
"Oh, ok." Frodo got back up. "Ok, carry on."
"Frodo, did you just try to ask Gandalf to marry you?" asked Sam, bewildered (and probably crying on the inside).
"Yep!" said Frodo, grinning. "That was my plan, but I might have to come up with a new one now..."
"What? Plan for what?"
"For getting rid of the ring, silly!" Frodo quickly opened the box. "See I was using it and- wait."
There was no ring in the box.
"What? I swear, it was in there a minute ago!" Frodo babbled frantically.
"You LOST the ring?!" yelled everyone in the room.
"Um, it has to be somewhere around here!" Frodo began look around, knocking down furniture and making a wreak of the place.
"Oh my gawd, this is the most hopeless drabble I've ever been forced to take part in," muttered Legolas.
"And this is the last one, too!" wailed Frodo. "I lost the ring! What kind of idiotic plot twist is THAT?!"
"A really stupid one," muttered Merry and Pippin.
"I'll be honest though," started Gandalf. "At least we accomplished this pretty easily."
"This can't be happening. This CAN'T be HAPPENING!" wailed Frodo. "I failed as the ringbearer! I was supposed to get rid of it, not just LOSE it!"
"It's ok, Frodo, we still love you!" said Sam.
"Shut up, Sam!" yelled everyone.
"So what, is it over?" said Merry and Pippin, sitting around and ignoring the chaotic search for the ring.
"Um...I guess..." muttered Gollum. "Unless anyone has anything else to say?"
"...no, not really, go ahead." said everyone, except Frodo who was still frantically searching.
"Oh. ok."
Everyone at the early-after party stood there, dumbstruck.
Except BHB. "Well, you know, these things happen sometimes..."
"You ruined me!" wailed Frodo.
"You put me through fifty different shades of HELL!" growled Gandalf.
"You've cut various parts of my body open on several occasions!" yelled Legolas.
"You portrayed me as some sort of flaming homosexual that abuses animals!" cried Sam. "Not that there's anything wrong with the homosexual part..."
"You kept all the reviewers waiting for months on end, only to finish the fic with the crappiest twist in history." remarked Leviel from the back of the room.
"We're going to KILL you!" yelled everyone.
"Um...uh...Look behind you! A three-headed-monkey!" BHB yelled, then sprinted away as fast as her out-of-shape legs could take her.
And thus, our story ends with the cast of Lord of the Rings chasing a poor lazy author.
It's incredibly fitting, ne?