AN:
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN THESE CHARACTERS, WE ALL KNOW THIS
EPOV
Porno addict…Bella thought I was fucking addicted to porn…PORN! What the fuck kind of shit was that?! Did I really look like a 20 year old man toting his bag of mags and lube around with him so he could drop trough and fucking whack off at any given moment of the day? Oh hey…look it's a dumpster…What a perfect place to rub one out to some airbrushed tits on goddamn paper…I think not…
Now I'm not gonna say that I've never done the knuckle shuffle…hell, find me a guy who says he hasn't and I'll show you a jackass that spends his weekends in the nude in front of the tv cause he can't detach his fucking hand from his cock. Now that's a motherfucking porno addict…the ones that can't admit that they get their jollies off manually on occasion. It's always the ones that can't admit it that rock their own fucking worlds religiously. It's the frequency with which they indulge their pleasure that makes them feel as though it's some abhorred activity and therefore inhibits them from saying a simple "Why yes, I do masturbate on occasion. Don't you?" Fuckin' splooges.
The plain simple truth here though, is that once she claimed to know what I was, I fucking freaked. I really thought she had me pinned…and then she busted out with porn addict. I about died right there. I don't think I've ever fucking laughed that goddamn hard at anything…sober or otherwise. I have to admit though, part of my laughter was paranoid as all goddamn get out. Had she heard me while I was in the shower? I had thought I'd stayed pretty silent through my indulgences recently, but maybe I hadn't? Well fuck me…if I wasn't, it was her goddamn fault anyways. I hadn't whacked off in forever before she showed up. Since then, it'd become part of my goddamn daily shower routine.
Call me a deviant, call me a fucking addict, I don't give a shit. I did that shit out of pure fucking necessity so I wouldn't walk around with a raging hard on 24 fucking 7. Emptying the damn chamber before starting my day was the only way I had of ensuring the safety of those around me that I wouldn't shank them with the lethal weapon hidden in my fucking shorts.
Where the fuck was I going with this? Shit…you see people…this is why you shouldn't do drugs. I can't even remember where the hell I was going with all this shit. Fucking genius IQ my ass…I'm not even fucking stoned and I can't keep my thought pattern straight….then again maybe that's because she's right fucking next to me walking down this dark ass road and I can never keep my shit collected when she's around.
Fuck…at least this time she isn't staring at the goddamn bag on my back…THE BAG! Shit, that's what I was thinking about!…
I'm still not exactly sure how it happened, but a serious conversation about the bag turned into the two of us fucking frolicking around a goddamn playground like two carefree fools. For the first time, in what felt like forever, I dropped my mask and let myself just fucking be for once…and it was goddamn amazing. I teased and taunted, joked and laughed, and enjoyed every goddamn minute of fucking reprieve that she had granted me. Whatever this thing was that was between us, whether it was destined to be just friendship or something more at some point, I realized there was nothing I could do to fucking stop it. It was like a goddamn freight train moving at full speed and there was nothing I or anyone else could do to stop it, because it was just there…all up in your fucking face and completely natural and shit. There was no awkwardness or nervousness in our actions. We just fucking were and that was some scary ass shit.
I'd been a complete goddamn fool to try and deny that there was anything happening between us. I'd tried rationalizing her sly glances and longing looks and shit over and over again over the last two weeks, chocking it up to her obsession with my fucking backpack, or her wanting to have more friends, to have someone to rely on other than just Jasper, but in one afternoon all of my musings had been turned to shit. I saw the way she responded to my risqué comments. I saw the blushes she tried to hide, and I sure as shit didn't fucking miss the dazed look on her face after mentioning the shower. I couldn't help flexing my pecs when her eyes flickered down to my chest. Fuck me…whatever she had been picturing in that beautiful head of hers had her practically fucking drooling right in front of me…completely entranced and shit, and of course in typical Edwardian douche bag form, I silently wondered if she'd like to see another muscle that I could twitch at will.
It pissed me the fuck off that all I'd ever be able to offer her was friendship. I'd never be good enough to be anything more. She may be attracted to me on a physical level, but if she knew every dark corner of my soul, she'd see me entirely differently. I had no fucking doubt that one day it would happen. That other goddamn shoe would fall and all my shit would be bared for her to see, and I knew that when that day came…my life would cease to have any goddamn meaning at all. The day she looked at me in disgust would be the day my miserable fucking life ended. Part of me wanted that day to come before I could dig myself in any deeper than I already had and the other part of me wanted it to never come at all.
That girl is like my personal fucking kryptonite. She's steadfastly broken every damn one of my barriers and managed to find a way to inhibit me from putting them back in place, regardless of how I know it will turn out badly down the road. In the one damn moment when I could have turned it all around, in the car heading to Jess's house when I'd been putting my guard back up, I fucking smiled and winked at her when I could have remained stoic as ever and pretended that none of that shit had happened at the park. I could have put us right back to where we'd been earlier that day. Right back to that awkward place of more than acquaintances and less than friends, but I couldn't fucking do it. I wanted it too much. I wanted there to be someone in my life that I didn't have to act around, that I didn't have to completely hide myself behind a false cloak of strength, indifference, and straight up fuck off. I wanted to know, that even if for the briefest of times, there was one fucking person who knew me…who knew the real me.
Fuck, even Alice didn't know the real me. The only part of the real person buried under the mountain of bullshit that comprised my walking form that she knew was my protectiveness of her. I didn't have very many loved ones, but the ones I had I would have protected with my life. She didn't really know anything about the rest of the person buried somewhere deep in there. The one that knew how to joke around and laugh. The one that enjoyed life and found the small things in it to be grateful for. The one that didn't act like they had a stick shoved up their fucking ass 24/7. Hell, before the park, I had all but forgotten that that part of me even existed. The only other person in my entire life that had been able to draw that out of me had been Emmett, and when I walked out on my life I had walked out on him too, leaving behind the only person that really knew me and I wanted that shit back.
"Edward? Where are we going?" Bella asked, cutting off my internal musings and bringing me back to the present.
"There's a playground a few blocks up. I figured we could park it there for a while…let things cool down back at the house," I replied, keeping my gaze straight ahead as we strutted up the street.
"What were you thinking about so hard? You've been silent since we left the house," she said lightly as she bumped her shoulder into my arm. I smiled down at her, unable to refrain from doing so, and shrugged.
"Real people," I answered vaguely. I almost chuckled as her brow furrowed up at me.
"Real people? Aren't all people real? I mean we're not myths or legends or what have you," she pondered aloud and a chuckle escaped me as I shook my head.
"Not what I meant. I meant real as in they aren't pretending to be something they're not," I clarified and she nodded as we turned the corner.
"I think most, if not all, people have parts of themselves that they keep hidden from others. I don't think it makes anyone any less real or anything…it just makes them layered. You know…kind of like an onion. Some people have a tough, flaky, dried out outer layer, but inside you'll find the real flesh of the person, and depending on who they are in there…they can bring you to tears when you…cut them?" She rambled excitedly when she thought of her perfect analogy, although she faded out towards the end, unsure and laughing at the end result of her explanation. It was absurd, but I understood where she was going with it...somewhat anyway.
"So you believe that every person is composed of layers, some false and some real?" I questioned, sincerely interested in her view of the human race. If you'd asked me the same question I would have undoubtedly said no. I believed that people were fell into two categories, real and fake, and generally speaking, I found ninety nine percent of all fucking humanity to lie within the latter classification.
"Are we speaking candidly or hypothetically?" she responded with a slight quirk of her brow. I chuckled lightly and pointed at a bench off to the side of the playground as I answered quickly, "Candidly, please. I think if we took the philosophical route we may be out here til we're fucking old and gray."
"Then no…I don't believe every person is composed of some false and some real layers. Some are just plain old flaky…though I tend to believe that they hadn't always been that way. I mean everything in life has a process right? Whether it be growth or decay," she laughed as she plopped down on the bench unceremoniously.
"Interesting theory there Plato," I joked as I opened a beer and handed it to her before opening one of my own.
"Why Plato?" she asked instantly. I turned toward her on the bench and she mirrored my action as she waved a hand in the air in a somewhat circular pattern as she spoke. "I mean, I get that he was a philosopher and all but what does that have to do with what we're talking about?"
"I called you Plato because he believed that duality existed in all living things and that it was only those who were able to see the dual nature of reality that were fit to rule the land. Like take a horse for example. In Plato's time, his teachings suggested that we knew what a horse was by our soul's recollection of it from a time previous to our births, but the average person would only see the horse as just that…a horse. Whereas a wise man would see it for what it really is, a creature that can be both wild and tame at the same time. It exists in pure constant duality."
"I tend to think more along the lines of Aristotle who once said "no animal has, at the same time, both tusks and horns." I believe that it's somewhat impossible to be both fake and real at the same time. Theoretically speaking, if real were represented by tusks, and fake by horns, I have yet to see a person who dons both tusks and horns simultaneously," I replied and she laughed her ass off…not exactly the response I was going for there.
"Edward," she chuckled. "I seriously hope you haven't been looking for people walking around with tusks and horns cause I don't think you'll find em unless it's Halloween or something," she laughed and I joined in.
"I get what you're saying though, and I kind of agree to some point. It would seem rather impossible for one to be real while at the same time acting in a way which is in direct opposition of who they truly are," she mused and I found myself utterly breathless.
Holy shit…she really got it. Fuck me…she actually fucking understood me…through all that goddamn ancient philosopher bullshit she fucking comprehended what I was trying to say…
"But I don't think that it doesn't mean that somewhere deep within themselves the real part of them still exists. Think of it this way, sometimes we force ourselves to do things that we don't wish to do because they need to be done. In those times, are we truly contradicting who we really are or is it possible that we can remain our true selves inside while outwardly doing something out of character for us?" she continued, and then looked at me expectantly.
I didn't know what to say. For once in my goddamn life I was fucking stunned silent. Never before had I come across a person…fuck that…a goddamn intellectual, that could even begin to understand the shit I rambled about, much less debate the bullshit and make perfect fucking sense while doing so. Was it possible for someone to be both genuine and artificial at the same fucking time? Was it possible, that even though I viewed myself as one of the most disingenuous motherfuckers out there, that on some level deep within myself, I remained true to who I was even though I'd forgotten who the fuck that was? Could she see right through me? Was she calling me out on my bullshit exterior?
Of all the things I had noticed about her over the last two weeks, her fucking intelligence wasn't one of them. I might have picked up on it if she'd have fucking spoken openly at any goddamn point to me, but no…her inherent shyness and nervousness banned me from getting a glimpse into that beautiful mind of hers…and at that moment, I suddenly felt incredibly fucking deprived.
"I don't know," I breathed, still goddamn floored by the fragile girl sitting across from me who was once again fucking laughing.
"That's quite an articulate answer," she chuckled.
"Shut it. I'm not used to debating shit with people who can actually keep up with it, so I'm fucking at a little fuckin' loss for words at the moment. You should be proud. You're the first person to ever silence me with intelligence…most people take the route of stupidity to stun me," I laughed, breaking myself out of my stunned stupor.
"Funny…I never pictured you as the philosopher type," she said softly, smiling shyly and focusing on her fingers as they traced the rim of her beer can.
"There's a lot you don't know about me, and I you apparently. I never would have guessed you to be a master debater," I joked, running my hand through my hair to avoid reaching out to tuck the lock of hair that was swinging in front of her face in the breeze, and driving me fucking insane I might add, behind her ear.
"I have to admit I'm a little rusty. I haven't debated much since freshman year of high school, and Jasper isn't very big on philosophy or theory for that matter. He's a history buff and I don't care much for history," she said with a slight shrug.
"Rusty or not, you still wiped the floor with my ass just now," I praised. Her slight smile widened as she looked up at me through her lashes. If there was anything I ever wanted to tell her in that moment, it was how goddamn inconceivably beautiful she was.
The shitty yellowish light from the street lamp lit up her skin, making it glow as though she were shroud in candlelight with soft shadows falling across the left side of her face every time she turned her head away from the light, offering me the chance to take in every delicate line of her features in profile. The gentle slope of her forehead, the slight dip into the bridge of her nose that rounded off perfectly at the tip, the curves of her lips, her top one slightly plumper than the bottom one, and the slope curving from the base of her lower lip down and around her dainty chin. She was absolutely breathtaking, the uncomfortable hard on I was sporting in my shorts a true testament to her beauty being that I was only looking at her fucking face.
Jesus Christ it's gonna be a long walk back…Looks like it'll be another double shower day cause I'm a dirty motherfucker…
"Can I ask you something?" she ventured hesitantly after a few moments. I nodded to her silently and took a long pull off my beer.
"How do you deal with all of it? I mean I've seen the way Alice lashes out…how can you stand it?" she asked, twisting a frayed string that was hanging from her cutoff jean shorts and avoiding looking up at me.
"Same way any person deals with hardships…one day at a fucking time. Better question here is how are you dealing with all of it? She hasn't been very easy on you these last few days and I'm sorry for that. I know you have a hard enough time dealing with all the bullshit that surrounds us constantly and her adding to it doesn't fucking help at all," I replied quickly.
"I've been trying to stay out of her way for the most part. I figure if I stay quiet and don't say anything when she starts making her comments or when she's acting differently then I can avoid something escalating out of control over nothing," she replied with a saddened tone.
"Fuck that baby girl. Stand your goddamn ground around her. She may be my sister, but the shit she's been pulling lately is utterly fucking ridiculous. Don't let her walk all over you when she gets into her fits of bullshit. Tell her to fuck off once in a while…it'll do her some good," I retorted, trying not to let my anger seep into my tone. I wasn't angry at her for bearing the brunt of my sister's fucking insanity.
"I can't do that," she replied softly and looked up at me. "I know it's not really her when she acts that way. It's the drugs," she spat. "I just don't understand why she still does them. I mean doesn't she see the way she changes when she's on them? It's a damn cop out…they don't really let her escape or anything, and all she does is hurt the people that care about her so why does she still do it?" she asked and I tensed with the disdain in her voice. It was all the fucking proof I'd ever need that she'd fucking hate me the day she found out what I did to make money.
"How do you know she's on drugs when she acts that way? Has she done them in front of you?" I asked, so furious with the possibility that Alice was doing them right in her face when we weren't around that it completely overshadowed my despair over how she'd react when she found out the truth about me. The last fucking thing I needed was Alice being all tweaked out and shit and leaving the both of them completely vulnerable.
"No! No she's never done it in front of me," she said quickly with a panicked expression as she shook her head vehemently. "It's just that every time she explodes like that or acts all bitchy she's all twitchy and disheveled looking and stuff…kinda like the other people that are always around and she doesn't act like that when all she's been doing is drinking. I may not know exactly what she's doing, but I know it's more than just drinking."
"I'm not sure that Alice does it to escape, as you put it. I don't know what got her started into it in the first place. All I know is that she started hanging out with the wrong people freshman year of high school and she went straight fucking downhill from there. Jess was one of them. Her and this girl Lauren were her best friends in high school, and as you see not much has changed between them," I said and rolled my eyes as I tipped my head back to down the rest of my beer. I tossed the empty can towards the trash can as I belched and Bella laughed as I victory punched the air when it went in the can smoothly.
"Impressive…belch shots are ten pointers, but that belch was a little weak," she snickered and I laughed.
"Think you can beat me?" I smirked, seriously doubting her ability to do so.
"You're on tough guy," she said with narrowed eyes and then proceeded to tip her head back and chug the rest of her beer, giving me a splendid view of the creamy skin of her neck.
Fuck me…I could spend all night licking and kissing her neck…
She stood as she brought the empty can back down and did some weird stretch and chicken arm flapping combo shit before smirking at me as she lifted her arm and prepared to toss the empty can. I laughed at her cockiness but was abruptly cut off by the loudest fucking belch I'd ever heard making its way out of her throat. Now most would think that anything I had found to be sexy about this girl would have instantly vanished during that display, but sadly…I damn near came in my pants. Come to think of it, I just may have actually blown that load because when she turned and winked at me and said "Honey hand me another beer cause I'm just getting started," I fucking shuddered. Shuddered people…like a fucking pussy ass virgin that's just been touched for the first goddamn time.
"Where in the fuck did you learn to belch like that? You missed the trash can by the way," I laughed as I tossed her another can. This girl never ceased to amaze me.
"Eh…I usually get my points from the belches not the actual shots," she chuckled as she plopped back down and pulled the tab on the can and slurping up the foam that spewed out. "There's not a whole lot to do at night in abandoned buildings so Jasper and I learned to entertain ourselves. Belching contests were something that provided hours of amusement."
"Man I'm gonna have to step up my game to keep up with that level of talent," I chuckled.
"Did you always bounce around between people's places, or is that a recent thing?" she asked as she shifted so she was sitting Indian style and leaned forward with her elbows on her thighs.
"At first, I spent a good number of nights in my car. I knew a few people from high school that had managed to end up in this area after dropping out so I kind of just drifted until I found them. That's when I started bouncing around from place to place. Before Alice showed up I had been having a good run with the money flow and was able to pay for a motel room nightly, but that all disappeared practically overnight. One thing right after another happened and before I knew it, all of my savings were gone and Ali showed up. We've been hopping around ever since just trying to stay afloat," I told her, shrugging it off as though it wasn't a big deal. Deep down I knew better. It was a huge deal.
Had I not fucked that chick, I wouldn't have had my arm broken and lost all my savings and probably could have gotten us a shitbox apartment right off the bat. When it was just me I didn't really have a need for one. I was doing fine just getting by with what I had, and was perfectly fucking content saving up my money so I could set myself up to start living my life the right way. First with an apartment and money to get me by until I found a legitimate fucking job, and then possibly looking into going to school for some shit to have a steady fucking income…but all that shit disappeared instantly. Ah…the fuckery that is hindsight. If only you could fucking see what was going to happen as clearly as you could see the shit after it already fucking happened. Bullshit. Would it fucking kill someone to even that shit out with some goddamn foresight here and there?
"Did your parents kick you out too like they did Alice? I mean you don't party like she did…or does whatever," she said and I laughed humorlessly.
"No they didn't kick me out. I walked out the very minute I turned eighteen…like literally the fucking minute it struck midnight," I said and her brow furrowed at me.
"But why? From what Alice told me, you guys had the ideal childhood," she said with a confused expression.
"Baby girl…what's ideal to some is hell for others. I grew up believing that my father's philandering ways were the reason my mother committed suicide, and then he replaced her instantly with a stepford wife that tried to take my mother's place in my life. Add to that family members that despised me because of my parentage, and a healthy dose of hatred for damn near everyone surrounding me aside from Alice, and I couldn't get the fuck out of there quick enough," I said, counting off the bullshit on my fingers, full on fucking amazed that I was able to say this shit out loud to her without feeling the usual rage fucking flood my system.
I had long passed the point where thinking about it caused me any type of despair, and I just chose not to fucking talk about it to anyone…not even Alice. There was no point in fucking dwelling on what should have been when all you were left with were the crumbled remains of what had once been. Talking about that shit only ever fucking pissed me off, and I had enough shit in my life to boil my blood on a daily basis. This shit didn't need to continuously fuel the fires beneath the surface.
"Wait…you said you grew up believing it…does that mean you believe differently now?" she asked. My head dropped back as I groaned, almost wishing in that moment she wasn't as intelligent as she is. Any of the usual fucking twits I was accustomed to being around would have bypassed that shit without a second thought…but no…not Ms. I Actually Have an IQ above 2 Fucking Swan.
"No…I don't believe that anymore, but it doesn't make me any fucking less angry with him either," I nearly growled as I glared at the stars above us, feeling the flames of my rage beginning to lick at my veins as it coursed through me.
"Then why are you so angry with him?" she asked and my head shot up, angry eyes landing on her soft imploring ones, and an enraged retort burning on the tip of my tongue.
"I'm sorry…I'm being nosy. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Just forget I asked," she said frantically, looking petrified. Knowing that it was my glare in her direction that sent her into a panic was like having a damn truckload of goddamn ice dumped on me and I fucking hated myself for ever looking at her that way.
"Sorry…I'm not used to talking to people about this shit. Really it's okay. I'll make a deal with you. We'll do this shit quid pro quo. I'll tell you why I hate my father and you tell me why you left yours. Deal?" I asked, needing to level the fucking playing field between us before I spoke the words that no fucking person had ever heard come from my mouth. She nodded and I closed my eyes, preparing to expose myself in the most vulnerable way to this girl that I barely fucking knew. I had just taken a breath to start talking when her voice floated into my ears and my eyes shot open.
"I left because he beat me," she said softly and looked up to meet my gaze. I remained silent and watched as she chugged the rest of her second can of beer and tossed it aimlessly before flexing her fingers at me repeatedly, asking me silently for another one. I handed it to her and waited still, knowing that she'd begin talking again when she was ready.
"It started after my mother was killed by a drunk driver on her way to pick Jasper and I up from school. It was my birthday," she said, meeting my eyes and flashing the saddest fucking smile I'd ever seen in my damn miserable life.
"He started drinking shortly after her funeral and I had to start doing everything around the house that she had usually done. The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning…all of it. I was thirteen," she said as she started fucking with that damn string on her shorts again.
"How bad was it?" I asked, dreading what she was going to say but fucking needing to hear it at the same goddamn time. I'd had a pretty good idea of just how bad it was when Jasper had brought it up but refused to say much about it.
"In the beginning, he would just yell. Sometimes he would throw stuff around, but it usually didn't come in my direction. The more he drank the worse it got though. I tried to make sure that the house was always clean and that there was always dinner on the table when he came home. Anything to try and make it easier for him because I knew he was hurting bad and missing her terribly. I missed her too, but I was so angry with him at the time for how he was dealing with everything that I never got the chance to actually mourn her. I had to just keep going like it hadn't happened and the only time I could let it out was when he wasn't around," she said, avoiding my question almost completely as she rambled nervously.
"Bella…how bad was it?" I asked again, reaching across to grab a hold of her hand that had started trembling as she fiddled with that stupid fucking string.
"Oh God…Edward it was so bad," she sobbed suddenly. I sat my beer down behind me and pulled her across the bench and into my lap as she dropped her can of beer on the ground and she instantly folded herself into my embrace.
"Let it out baby girl," I cooed, rubbing her back and squeezing my eyes shut, bracing myself for the inevitable fucking rage I'd be feeling with her words.
"It started with just a slap across the face because I burnt dinner. I was so used to timing the meals to when he'd walk in the door that I hadn't realized I was burning it when he came home late. He had gone to a bar after work and I had been trying to get the laundry done while the roast was in the oven and it was a mess by the time he came home," she spluttered, her words slurring and breaking through her sobs.
"It only got worse from there. He'd say horrible things after hitting me, like if I hadn't been born she'd still be alive, and any time I did something wrong he'd be quick to tell me that she could have done it with her eyes closed and I must have been a fucking moron to have messed it up," she continued, fisting my shirt as I hugged her tighter to my chest.
"Shhh…just breathe baby. It'll be alright. I got you and I won't let anyone hurt you," I said, hoping to soothe her even though at that moment I wanted nothing more than to find her fucking father and beat him within an inch of his fucking life.
I continued to rub her back and even started humming to her to help her calm down. Fucking humming! Shit I didn't know what the fuck to do. On tv you always saw people humming and shit to wailing babies. I was so out of my fucking league with this comfort bullshit…but for her I'd do it. My balls may crawl up inside me and turn my shit into a fucking mangina, but if it calmed her down I'd deal with fishing that shit out later.
She eventually did end up calming down, whether it was because of the damn humming or just because she had cried it out I'll never fucking know, but goddamn, as soon as she stood up I was checking myself for a loss of equipment. I wasn't ready to be the next tranny walking around these streets, and honestly, I don't think I'd make a very attractive fucking chick. Scary…most definitely. Attractive…yeah probably right up there in the ranks of that jackass Simon, or Simone as he liked to be called, that frequently strutted up and down the main strip in giant stilettos, pleather mini skirts and tube tops. Thank god she started fucking talking again…I was seriously close to fucking vomiting at the thought of unwillingly becoming Edwina, local skag and Simone's bestest BFF.
"The months leading up to when I ran away it seemed like it was a daily occurrence. He'd come home from wherever he went after losing his stupid job, enraged about one thing or another and take it all out on me while saying hateful things. It didn't matter what I was doing, he'd find me and lay into me for no reason at all. He was fucking smart about it too…always careful not to mark areas that could be seen readily. But he fucked up. The last night I was there he lost control during his assault at some point and smashed my face into a wall," she sniffled as her eyes closed and a violent shudder ripped through her. I wiped the tear tracks from her face and ran the backs of my fingers from her temple to her jaw before picking my can of beer up and taking a long pull as she continued talking.
"When he finally walked away, I scrambled into my room and locked the door before climbing out of my window and meeting up with Jasper like I did almost every night. I didn't think to look in the mirror before I ran out and as soon as he saw my face…he knew. He knew that I'd been lying about how I was getting the bruises he'd seen. I felt bad about lying to him about it, but I didn't want him stressing over everything even more than he was already. His home life was shit, and Charlie forbid us from hanging out together just weeks after my mother's funeral…it was just one more thing on top of everything else that had already been screwing up our lives. I left with him that night because he refused to let me go back, and I never did. He snuck into the house a few days later when Charlie left and grabbed me some clothes so I could stop wearing his, and that was the last time we ever saw that house…or Charlie," she finished, trying to shrug it off nonchalantly as she snatched my beer from my hand and downed the remains of it.
It was during her final stretch of her story that I realized just how fucking goddamn strong she was emotionally, and how different we were in how we dealt with the shortcomings in our lives. She fucking cried it out and moved on whereas I fucking raged relentlessly. I may be stronger than her physically speaking, but emotionally and mentally, that tiny little girl could whoop my ass with both hands tied behind her back. I was a goddamn pussy compared to her when it came to dealing with bullshit. I hadn't lived through a fraction of what she did and I fucking ran like a little bitch. She had her ass whooped routinely and stayed…and probably would have continued to fucking stay if Jasper hadn't stopped her from going back.
I gained a tremendous amount of respect for him as a man hearing her story, but it didn't stop me from thinking he was a fucking retard for getting involved with Ali…much less for how he was jacking shit up with the amazing girl in my lap. Fucking tart. I swear the guy's missing some brain cells somewhere. Maybe he inhaled one too many fungi spores in one of the warehouses or some shit.
"Sorry…I didn't mean to break down like that. It's been forever since I've talked about that stuff," she said quietly.
"Don't be sorry…cause I won't be when I climb up in your lap while telling you my bullshit," I said, forcing a chuckle to try and lighten the mood. She scoffed and bumped her shoulder into my chest as she shook her head while hiding it with one of her hands.
"Should we just switch positions now? I'm warning you though…I'm pretty fucking heavy and your legs might go numb," I joked, and earned a soft laugh from her.
"All joking aside…if you ever need to talk, you know you can come to me with anything right?" I asked, hoping she knew that she could.
"Yeah, I'm pretty aware that after this I can probably say just about anything to you. Thank you…for listening," she said and then shocked the shit out of me by kissing my cheek and wrapping her arms around my shoulders to hug me. I was still goddamn beside myself when she slid off my lap and grabbed another beer before taking her previous seat on the bench. As soon as I came back to my senses I reached down quickly and checked to make sure I hadn't shriveled up and turned into a fucking girl within the last half hour or so.
"What the hell was that all about?" she guffawed as she pointed to my crotch that I'd just been basically fucking manhandling. I couldn't even pass that shit off as a discreet adjustment. Nope…I had to go all out fucking panicked grope-fest on myself right in front of her like a jackass.
"I was checking to make sure I didn't suddenly become the owner of a fancy new mangina," I chuckled as I shrugged. It's not like I fucking dropped trough or some shit right in front of her or anything.
"O-kay…I'm not even going to ask," she laughed as she rolled her eyes. "So, quid quo pro…I told you why I hate my father, why do you hate yours?" she asked, cracking her beer open and taking a sip.
"Yeah…thanks for going first by the way…now I'll just look like a giant pussy," I laughed, reaching down to grab another beer out of the case that I'd toted along with us.
My brow furrowed when I reached in and realized that it was already half gone. I looked around, wondering where the fuck our beer had gone, knowing that I'd only had two and she'd finished my second one. There was no fucking way she drank four fucking beers and wasn't slurring or swaying yet. I'd come to notice that around three she started buzzing hardcore…and that's when I realized that she hadn't actually drank all of them. The one she'd dropped had been nearly full, the bit she finished out of mine was only a quarter of one if that, and she had just started drinking what would be her full third can. I'd need to cut her ass off soon before I ended up having to carry her all the way back…not that I'd really be opposed to it or anything, but she'd feel like complete shit in the morning.
"And I look like a giant retard for keeping my mouth shut about it for so long…what's your point?" she said after snorting and rolling her eyes.
"Regardless of how stupid it was of you not to say something to someone about what was happening to you…it takes a lot more balls to stay than it does to fucking walk out like I did," I said as I pulled the tab on my can.
"Yeah and I'm sure we can argue that point all night long but it won't get us any closer to the reason you hate your father," she said as she pointed at me with her beer clad hand. I rolled my eyes and leaned my side against the back of the bench as I rested my arm on the top of it.
"I hate him for a multitude of reasons. First and foremost because it makes me sick to think that he claims to have loved my mother but within a year of her death he was remarried already. How can you claim to love someone but you're able to move on so fucking quickly from them? If he really loved her like he repeatedly said he did, it wouldn't have been that fucking easy for him. Being with someone else would have been the last thing on his mind in my opinion," I said. She did some weird nod/head shake combo as her face scrunched up and I chuckled lightly at the sight of it.
"What?" I asked, curious as to what she was fucking thinking.
"Have you ever stopped to think that maybe his way of dealing with his loss was by trying to fill the void that her absence left behind?" she asked and I quirked a brow at her.
"Would you run off with the next man to cross your path if the supposed love of your life passed away?" I asked incredulously.
"Probably not, but I'm not him and neither are you," she pointed out. "Did you ever ask him why he moved on so soon afterwards?"
"No…I didn't fucking care why he did it. I probably never would have thought anything of it seeing as how young I was when it happened. I was only months old, if that, when it happened," I said with a shrug of indifference.
"Months old? How in the hell did you come to the conclusion that he cheated on her then?" she wailed, bewildered with furrowed brows and her hands lifted out in front of her. I looked straight in her chocolate fucking eyes and braced myself for the onslaught of memories that would flood my brain when I closed my eyes and told her exactly how everything in my world had fallen apart in a matter of minutes. Within moments of closing my eyes, I was fucking lost in a dizzying flashback of that fateful fucking night.
I could have been no more than ten at the time, and our parents had taken us out to a movie and dinner just like they had every Friday night for about as long as I could remember. Mom and Dad had just placed our orders and Alice and I were busying ourselves by coloring on the back of a placemat when I looked up and saw a woman storming up to our table with a man behind her trying to hold her back. Dad had said something to Mom about taking us next door to the arcade to play a few games before dinner, but the woman made it to the table and started screaming before Mom could even get us out of the booth we were sitting in.
"Sit your tramp ass down," the woman growled as the man behind her tried saying something quietly to her as he tried to pull her away. She shook herself loose and scowled at Dad, "Who in the hell do you think you are keeping us away from my nephew?"
Dad sighed and looked at Mom before looking up at the lady. "I'm not trying to keep him from you, from any of you. The court order states that you are all allowed to see him under supervised visitation. The only thing you ever had to do was call and set up a time."
"Court order," the woman sneered. "Liz would roll over in her grave if she knew how you treated her family."
"Susan you know very well why I had to do what I did. I needed to protect him…" Dad started to say, but the woman cut him off.
"Protect him? From what? We're his family. We love him…he's all we have left of Lizzie," the lady said as she pointed at me.
"Mom…who are these people?" I whimpered, scooting closer to Dad. They were scaring me and I had no idea who they were.
"Mom? Mom? That is not your mother Edward. That is the whore that destroyed your real family. She's the reason your real mother ki.." she spoke as Mom's eyes started to fill with tears as she tried to hurry and collect our things. Dad had been trying to say something to the lady but she had steadily ignored him as she spoke until he finally shouted "Enough!".
"Enough, Susan. This is the reason I had to do what I did. Your family is delusional and you all did nothing but try to fill his head with your nonsense," he said angrily as he stood and pulled me from the booth beside him. Mom quickly grabbed a hold of my hand as she carried a crying Alice and pulled us away from the enraged woman and my father shouting back and forth at each other. The last I heard of the woman was right as we made it to the door. I heard her words in pristine clarity, rising above all other voices and noises within the area, the words that inevitably ripped every part of life as I knew it into unrecognizable shreds.
"Delusional is allowing him to believe that she is his mother. When were you planning on telling him the truth Carlisle? When were you planning on telling him that your affair with that piece of trash killed his real mother?"
"That must have been terrifying at such a young age…to find out that way I mean," Bella said quietly, pulling me from my fucking torturous memories. If things had only not fucking happened the way they had, maybe I would have had a chance at a normal fucking life at some point. I can't fucking say that I wouldn't have been enraged when, or if, they ever told me the truth, but fucking hell…anything would have been better than hearing the truth from some screaming fucking lunatic in a restaurant.
"It was," I said distantly with a slight nod. Somehow, sitting on that bench with her in the middle of a ghetto-fied park, I couldn't help but realize that had it happened a different way, I wouldn't fucking be here. I wouldn't be sitting on this dirty ass bench with her. Hell, I would have probably never crossed paths with her.
Whatever else that realization did to me, I had no clue, but I was acutely fucking aware that the normal rage that coursed through me whenever I thought of the goddamn blatant deception my life had been composed of… wasn't there. I wasn't sure what the fuck had taken its place, but fuck me, I almost couldn't give a shit. Whatever it was, it was infinitely fucking better than what I usually felt. If only I could figure out what it was that I was fucking feeling as I sat there staring off into the distance and trying to find that rage within me that had become so goddamn familiar that I never needed to question what it was. It had been a part of me for so fucking long that I didn't think I'd ever live a day without that blazing current running beneath my skin, taunting me and egging me on to fucking hit something…anything just to turn my inner pain into something goddamn tangible that I could actually feel and see the outward effects of. Something that I could focus on and not have to think that I was fucking crazy for feeling it, because it was there, marking its presence in shades of blues, purples and quite often crimson reds. It was real unlike every other part of my fucking existence.
"You know what the worst part of it was though?" I asked as I looked over at her. She shook her head and looked at me expectantly, knowing that my question was fucking rhetorical anyway.
"It was feeling like everything they'd ever said was a lie after it. That everything they'd ever done was some part of a fucking cover up or another fucking lie being added to what was already being hidden from me. Ten fucking years old and I had no fucking idea whether or not my parents actually meant it when they said the words I love you. I didn't know if every time they hugged me or fucking praised me for something, if it was real. On top of that…every time I looked at them, I didn't know who the fuck they were anymore. Especially Esme," I told her, hearing my voice begin to strain as she reached out and took a hold of my hand.
It was fucking mind boggling how much that simple fucking gesture both soothed me and urged me to continue. She was letting me release everything that I'd held onto my entire fucking life…and it was something that no one had ever allowed me to do. She wasn't cutting me off and telling me that what I thought was wrong or what I felt was unjustified or some bullshit. I reveled in the simple silence of her acceptance of my words for a minute before taking a breath and continuing with what I had to say…what I'd had to say for half of my fucking life.
"I could say that my father was my father because I had tangible proof of it on my birth certificate, but I didn't know who the fuck the woman that I'd been calling Mom was. In a matter of minutes she became a complete fucking stranger to me and every time she spoke to me or tried to fucking touch me I recoiled from her in fear. That was the worst part about it. In one simple fucking minute I went from being an average, well rounded, fearless fucking kid to being a kid that was capable of only two fucking things…being overwhelmingly enraged or terrified of every person around me. I never knew if people were being sincere or lying their fucking faces off…I still can't really distinguish between the two so I take the easy way out. I keep people at a distance and consider everything that comes out of their mouths a lie. Nothing gained means nothing lost in the long run," I said, shrugging a bit and trying for nonchalance. She didn't need to know just how miserable I really was, feeling like a fucking isolated island 24/7 regardless of how many goddamn idiots surrounded me on a daily basis.
It suddenly occurred to me that while I'd been sitting there spilling my goddamn guts to this girl, I'd still been wearing a fucking mask. Only for once, it hadn't been to protect me… it had been to protect her. She'd dealt with enough bullshit in her life. She didn't need to know how deeply my bullshit past had fucked me up. It was one thing for her to know how it had made me a withdrawn fucking prick, but it was entirely different for her to know exactly how pathetically broken it had left me. I was entirely fucking incapable of ever being whole after that shit…and it was just one more goddamn reason why I had no business getting overly involved with her.
"I'm sorry," she said softly, squeezing my hand gently. I furrowed my brow at her in question, because really, what the fuck did she have to be sorry about?
"What the hell for? You didn't do anything," I said incredulously.
"I'm sorry for what they did to you. If they would have just been honest with you from the beginning or handled everything differently, maybe things would have been different," she replied and then looked at me warily.
"You know…it could still be different," she said hesitantly.
"How…how could it still be different? I am what I am, Bella. I'm a closed off person hiding behind a giant wall of fuck off and pretty fucking comfortable there too," I said, my voice wavering as she squeezed my hand. It was almost as if she knew the exact fucking moment to apply that pressure and call me out on my bullshit because she fucking smirked at me the moment I faltered.
"No…you're not. You never laugh, you rarely smile even though I know you're fully capable of doing so. You're just as miserable over it as I am with not being able to trust people, and you're not as closed off as you think you are. You're talking openly with me aren't you?" she said, her smirk still fully intact as she withdrew her hand from mine and shook her finger at me.
"It seems you've found a chink in my armor," I chuckled, finding her smirk incredibly fucking adorable.
"If you're calling me a chink…uh that's a pretty big chink ya got there," she laughed, wobbling slightly as she stood from the bench.
"Where are you fuckin going?" I sniggered as she swayed and looked around.
"I gotta piss," she laughed, "Where's a bush when ya need one?" she asked as she pulled a wad of tissue from her pocket.
"Do you always carry that shit with you?" I asked, still laughing as she started to stagger off toward the row of trash bins a few feet away.
"Hey…don't mock the tissues dou'che-wad… ya ne'er know when you'll need em," she said, hiccupping and giggling.
"Watch out for the wildlife trying to catch a quick peek," I laughed as I stood from the bench and wandered off to a darkened area to relieve my own throbbing bladder.
"It's not the wildlife I worry about…it's the freaking perverted hobos," she chortled back a minute later and I laughed, inevitably getting a spurt of fucking piss on my goddamn shoe.
"Dammit Bella…You made me piss on my fucking shoe," I laughed as I tucked my shit away and zipped up.
"Don't blame me because you can't freaking aim. Maybe we should get you a target so you can practice," she guffawed as she plopped back down on the bench and leaned over to grab another beer. I walked back over and groaned as I sat down just as my cell phone started fucking going off.
"You gonna answer that?" she asked curiously. I pulled it off it's clip to see who was calling and immediately replaced it after putting it on vibrate.
"Nope…it's not important," I said, shrugging as the vibration against my hip stopped.
"I've noticed that you do that a lot," she said, slurring slightly and then raising her can to her lips.
"Do what?"
"Not answer your cell phone…or your pager. What's up with that? Are you like some 007 super secret spy or something? Ya can't answer your phone or return your pages in the company of others? Is that why you slink off in the middle of the night sometimes?" she rambled, chuckling softly as I tensed up like a motherfucker.
Yep that's me, Bella. Your neighborhood secret drug agent…only it's only you that's not privy to the fucking secret because you'll fucking hate me for it…
"What? That's the most fucking absurd thing I've ever heard," I retorted, forcing myself to laugh.
"So what is it then?" she asked, all humor gone as she looked at me apprehensively. "Is it like your girlfriend or something? Oh god…it is isn't it? And she's gonna get mad at you because you're always ignoring her calls and pages and stuff. Alice said you were single…if I would have known…she doesn't think you're cheating on her with me does she?" she blurted in a frantic worry as I busted out laughing hysterically.
"Edward! Don't freaking laugh! That's not right to do to her! Why wouldn't you answer her calls?" she yelled as she stood from the bench.
"Bella sit down. Jesus," I laughed. "I'm not ignoring a girlfriend because I don't have one. Sometimes I just choose not to talk to whoever's fucking calling me," I said as I pulled her back down on the bench.
"Why do so many people call you? And at weird times too. Your cell phone and pager go off practically all night long," she said, stressing the end of her statement dramatically.
"I know a lot of people, and if you haven't noticed, there aren't a lot of sober people around us at any given point in time. A lot of the calls are people asking me for a fuckin' ride home or some shit," I said, hating that I was lying through my teeth to her. I was such a fucking hypocrite…here I was, doing something straight to her face that I hated my own family for. Yeah, I didn't miss the fucking irony there.
"Then why do you ignore it? Isn't it safer if you brought them home?" she asked as her brow furrowed.
Jesus Christ…please stop asking me shit that's gonna force me to fucking lie to you…
"How's it safer if I'm not sober either?" I asked rhetorically, avoiding forcing another blatant straight faced fucking lie in her direction.
"Is that how you get some of the money you make? By kind of being like their taxi?" she asked and I had to chuckle.
"Sometimes. How did you know I leave sometimes during the night? You're usually pretty passed the fuck out when I leave," I asked. I always made sure she was out like a light before I snuck out so she wouldn't think something was up.
"There's been a couple times when I've woken up because of people either coming in or out or because Alice kicked me in her sleep. She does that a lot," she chuckled but it faded off in a sigh.
"Why do you put up with all of it?" I asked and she looked at me in confusion.
"Why do you act like everything's peachy fucking keen when it's so fucking obvious that watching Jasper get closer to her hurts you," I clarified and she groaned as her head flopped down to her chest and she shook it before looking back up at me.
"Because I don't want to put him in the position where he feels he has to choose between us. I want him to be happy and if she makes him happy then so be it," she replied, her slightly scrunched up face belying her attempt at a shrug of indifference.
"What about your happiness though?"
"I'm happy…ish," she replied, modifying her statement as I quirked a brow at her.
"Look…he's done so much for me over the years…too much really. He's put me and my needs before his own at every turn and if putting up with his girlfriend's crap is the only way I can do the same for him…then that's what I have to do," she said with a shrug that irritated me beyond fucking belief.
It pissed me the fuck off that she was only ignoring the bullshit because she felt like she owed him something. She didn't owe him shit as far as I was concerned…the same way Ali didn't owe me shit in return for anything I'd ever done for her. Not to mention, he didn't even seem to be acknowledging the fact that he was hurting her every fucking time he chased after Alice's psychotic ass after one of her bitchfests.
"You know you don't owe him anything right baby girl? You don't owe him your own fuckin' happiness in trade for his. That's not how shit works. He provided for you and cared for you because he wanted to, not because it was something that he could cash in for repayment at a later date," I said sternly. She hesitated but then nodded as she quietly said "I know."
"Do you think it's safe to go back to the house? I'm buzzin' pretty hard and I'm getting kinda tired. I didn't sleep all that much last night," she said, slurring her words slightly and avoiding my gaze as she looked back in the direction of Jess's house. I pitched my empty can in the direction of the trash and stood from the bench.
"You gonna be okay to walk?" I asked as she swayed slightly and giggled.
"Yeah I'll be fine…just don't let me near any curbs," she laughed as I bent down to pick up the remains of our case.
I gave up any hopes I'd had of her walking back on her own when she took three fucking steps and tripped over an invisible goddamn tree root and busted her ass. She laughed hysterically as I chuckled and shook my head while offering her a hand to help her up. Once she was standing, I did something I swore to fucking Christ I'd never do. I took my bag off and slung it over her shoulders.
She looked at me curiously as she gasped and I chuckled humorlessly as I looked down at her. "I trust you, but I don't trust your fucking walking abilities right now. Climb on," I said as I squatted down in front of her. She scrambled her way up onto my back, locking her arms and legs around me as I stood up straight and started walking back in the direction of the house.
"I trust you too," she whispered as she laid her head down on her arm.
It ripped me the hell apart to hear her say those goddamn words, knowing that one day I'd fucking destroy whatever bond we'd formed when the fucking truth came out. I could only hope that somewhere underneath all the bullshit and lies, she'd know that I only did it to protect her. That I hadn't wanted to do it…that I hadn't wanted to hurt her.
If she really believed that underneath all the false layers that people apparently crafted over their true fucking selves, then maybe it was possible that she'd still see whatever goddamn sliver of good she thought she saw in me now. It was about the only hope I could cling to in the fucking jacked up world we lived in.
The walk back to the house was fairly quiet, with me lost in my thoughts as I steadily ignored the vibrations of both my phone and my pager against my side as I'd been doing for the last fucking hour, and her breathing a steady pattern on the side of my neck. It was so tempting just to toss the pieces of shit right in the sewer, right along with the goddamn bag and just walk right the fuck away from everything in that moment with her on my back. If I didn't have to worry about where our next meal would come from, or how I'd manage to put gas in the goddamn car…I would have. I would have walked right the fuck away from it and never looked back…if only I had another fucking way.
"Bella," I said as I stopped in front of the house and patted her thigh. She hummed lightly and I chuckled as I realized she had almost fallen asleep.
"Ya gotta get down babe…we're here," I said as I tilted my head to try and look at her. She unhooked one of her arms from around my neck and rubbed her eye for a second as she yawned and nodded before sliding off of my back. I slid my bag off her shoulders and tossed it over my own before leading her into the house. We both did a quick scan from the front door, me checking who all was left in the joint, and her probably trying to find Jasper and Alice.
"Why don't you go get changed and I'll get a spot fixed up for you to sleep," I said quietly, ducking my head down by hers. She nodded and shuffled off to find her bag before disappearing into the bathroom.
"Where the fuck did you two go?" Jasper growled, stalking toward me from wherever the fuck he'd been when we'd walked in as I came back into the house with a pillow and blanket from the car for Bella. I tossed them down on a recliner chair in the corner before turning to face him.
"To the fucking park. Chill out man," I answered as I crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"Don't tell me to chill out when I've been looking everywhere for her and no one knew where the fuck either one of you were," he said heatedly and I laughed.
"If you'd been keeping an eye on her you would have known that she'd left with me, but instead you had your head rammed up my sister's ass," I retorted. Underneath it all I truly thought he was a good person, but this bullshit act he had of getting pissed at me constantly over shit concerning Bella was really starting to piss me the fuck off. He looked like he was gearing up to try to fucking ream me out, so I cut him off with a wave of my hand and chanced a look around to make sure she wasn't anywhere near us.
"Look Jasper, I'm only gonna say this shit once. If you don't want me keeping an eye on her than you tell me who the fuck you're gonna have do it, because seriously man…there ain't a whole lot of fucking options around here. We're in this shit together, I told you that from day one," I said bluntly, fed up with his double standard bullshit already.
He was grating on my last fucking nerve with his looking down on me for something that he himself was guilty of. Who the fuck did he think he was trying to rule over what person played what role in Bella's life. As far as I was concerned, he could go fuck himself with his high and mighty goddamn attitude.
"You know…I'm not some stupid fuck that you can take advantage of, soak up my last goddamn dime, bag my sister and then take the fuck off. I'll just as easily turn your ass back out on the streets. The only fucking reason I've put up with this horse shit so far is because I'll be damned if I let her go back to living in abandoned buildings and eating whatever scrap fucking food you can scrounge up just because you've got some jacked up beef with how I fucking make money…the same goddamn money that's been providing the food and fucking liquor you've been packin' away," I ranted angrily, gesturing wildly between us.
"Is that what you fucking think? You think I have beef with you because of how you make money? Dude, I don't give a shit how you make money. I've done my own fair share of fucked up shit to make money, that's not even close to why I have issues with you," he retorted, shaking his head and taking a step back. I looked up and spotted Bella leaving the bathroom and heading toward Alice in the kitchen who was waving her over.
"Then what the fuck's your problem?" I asked, looking back at him and being at a serious loss as to what else he could possibly have a fucking beef with. I hadn't done shit since they'd hooked up with us.
"You're a fuckin' man-ho dude. I've seen the way the chicks at the places we go hang all over your shit when we walk in the door. You can't tell me that you haven't banged at least three quarters of them and walked away. Bella deserves better than that. You have no business running that fucking game on her," he spat furiously and I couldn't stop the fucking laugh that ripped out of my fucking throat.
"Is that what you think I'm doing? Running some fucking game on her?" He just fucking nodded once to my question with his lips pressed into a tight fucking line, trying to look all fucking stoic and shit.
"Let's get this shit straight right now. I'm not, nor have I ever, or will I ever, be running a game on her. If I had been, and trust me on this one…I would have already tapped that and fucking sent the pair of you walking. So get that shit out of your head right now. I'm only trying to fucking look out for her and possibly be her friend. I'm not out looking to fuck her and toss her aside or some type of bullshit like that…Heads up, she's coming," I said quickly and moved to spread the blanket out over the chair.
"Hey doll face, did you have a good time at the park?" he asked her as he turned toward her and smiled all lovingly at her. I rolled my eyes and suppressed a snort. He was acting like a parent of a toddler…completely fucking demeaning.
"Yeah…Alice said you guys had fun hanging with some of her friends," she replied hesitantly, looking curiously between us. I grinned crookedly at her, hoping to deflect her fucking curiosity. Goddamn that girl was too curious for her own fucking good.
"Did she apologize for earlier?" he asked her as she sat down in the chair and we both moved to place the blanket over her. Again I rolled my fucking eyes and backed up, letting him take over getting her situated as she bit her lip and looked awkwardly between us.
"Yeah," she murmured with a slight nod. He smiled lazily at her and leaned down to kiss the top of her head and lingered for a minute while he whispered something to her that I couldn't hear, no matter how hard I strained to. I wanted to know what he said to her that had her biting her damn lip again…it was enough to drive me fucking mad.
"I'll just be on the couch if you need anything. Ali and Jess are planning to keep drinking, but I'm done for the night. I'm just across the room okay?" he asked, using that fucking annoying parental tone with her again. That shit made me want to slap the lazy grin right off his goddamn face. She wasn't a fucking toddler for him to act like he was reading her a damn bedtime story or some shit. She may be a minor, but she was far from being a fucking kid.
She nodded to him and pulled the blanket up to her chin as he kissed her one more time on the top of the head and turned to look at me. I nodded my head just once as we locked eyes and he turned to walk over to the couch as I slid down to the ground in front of the chair that she was curled up on, leaning my back against the front of it, and resting my head on her lower legs.
"Goodnight Edward," she said softly. I smiled faintly as I closed my eyes and replied in kind. Within minutes she was snoring softly behind me, and I got up, really not fucking wanting to but knowing that I had to, and made my way over to Jasper.
"Hey man…I gotta make some runs. I've been putting it off all night. Keep an eye on her. I'll be back in a few hours," I told him.
"Alright dude. What's the story tonight if she wakes up?" he asked, looking up at me from where he was laying back on the couch with Ali sitting sideways between his legs, facing Jess who was sitting on the floor in front of her shuffling a deck of fucking cards.
Fucking hell…they're in it for the long haul tonight…she's gonna be a cranky ass bitch tomorrow…
"Tell her I gave someone a ride home from here and I'll be back soon. Use Ali's phone to page me if it happens so I can come right back," I said as he nodded and looked at her slumbering form.
"You know the lying's not gonna work forever right? What the fuck are we gonna do when she finds out?" he asked, looking at me worriedly.
"Hopefully we can get the fuck out of it before it comes to that…cause I fucking hate lying to her," I replied, shaking my head and wishing shit was so much different for us.
"I should be back by three at the latest. Try and get some of these shitheads out of here soon or they'll be up making a fucking ruckus all goddamn night," I said, making my way to the door. He nodded as he grabbed a pillow to toss behind his head and with that I walked out into the dark balmy night.
My life's like a goddamn ticking time bomb…with a broken fucking display. Wonder when it'll blow up right in my fucking face…