((The chapter heading is a quote is from Martin Luther. Although he probably never really said it.

This was proofread at work (again), so I guarantee for nothing. And don't get used to the frequency of the updates ;)

Blood type 0 is a universal donor and AB is universal recipient. It was handled like that in the past and still may be if there's nothing else available. But since blood transfusions(except for a blood exchange) are usually either plasm or erythrocytes only, nothing is handled like I do it here. It is, however, hypothetically possible this way and in a case of emergency it might be done. The bit about the rhesus factor is correct as well. Someone who is Rh-negative has no antibodies before contact with Rh-positive blood.))

Chapter 10

Here I Stand, I Can Do No Other

Four hours of surgery. Four hours that might very well be for naught. At this moment Leonard appreciated the gift of youth since it included reliably steady hands. He closed Charika's wound with thread and needle, and all they could do now was pray that he wouldn't die of a sepsis or blood loss. Under normal conditions it would have been a matter of minutes to remove the bullet the young man had caught and heal him. Here, nothing was certain, and T'Kray was waiting for news in her own quarters.

He knew she was more than eager to hear how Charika was, but first he had to change into something that wasn't bloodstained. There was no need to add to her concern – Vulcan or no. So he reached her room, two floors below his quarters, a good ten minutes later than he could have been but in clean clothes. He knocked, half expecting her to wait next to the door and open it at once. Instead, he heard her voice, just loud enough to be understood. 'State your name.' He frowned.

'McCoy.'

'Enter.' Her voice was cool and settled. When they had arrived, she had been closer to panic than he would have expected any Vulcan could possibly be. He opened the door and stepped inside. T'Kray was wearing a typical Vulcan robe and sitting cross-legged on the floor.

'If you wish to meditate I can come back later.'

'No. Please sit.' Leonard chose on one of the chairs at her desk. The room itself was similar in size to their own, only the arrangement of the furniture was different. 'What is his condition?'

'Difficult to say. I've done all I can, but there's no guarantee he'll live. He's lost a lot of blood, and that alone might be fatal. I wish I could promise you that he'll be all right by next week, but I just can't.' T'Kray rose and moved to an armchair.

'Understood. It is more than I expected. I thought you would come to inform me that Charika has died. That would have been regrettable.' Leonard stared at her.

'Regrettable? He's like a son to you.'

'He is a valuable part of the rebellion.'

'Right. And I'm expected to buy that you don't care. I hope for you that's not true.'

'Look, doctor, I understand you have done all you could. You may leave me now and rest. I shall contemplate who is able to take Charika's place if he is not able to resume it.' Stunned, Leonard rose and walked over to the door.

'No,' he said quietly. 'No, T'Kray. You're not doing this to yourself.' He turned back to her. 'You're a psychologist. You know it doesn't work that way. You can't turn off the pain.'

'I'm a Vulcan. You should know …'

'You're not Spock! And even he can't do it when things get nasty. He gets his composure back real quick, but what you're displaying isn't composure. It's the Vulcan equivalent of denial. You're doing yourself a disservice.'

'Don't try to …' He was at her chair a moment later, both hands on the armrests.

'This isn't you. I know you care! You care so much it's physically painful. Allow yourself to be scared for Charika. He's your friend, and he may be dying. You know what you should do? You should see Matee. She's dissolved into a puddle, and what she'd really need is someone who can relate to her fear for him. You can, if you just let yourself. She's one of your people. You've got to be there for her, even if it's only by showing you're not some superior creature but on a level with them, experiencing the same amount of grief and uncertainty.'

'I am not Matee.' Her voice was quiet and not as brisk as just a moment before. Leonard took one of her hands into his.

'No, you're not. But you're not a computer either.' He squeezed slightly. 'Come on.' Leonard waited for half a minute. When no reaction came, he sighed. He wanted to snarl at her, but he only succeeded in sounding weary even to his own ears. 'You know what? I don't have time for this. Because I have a patient I need to look after. That's my problem. I can't turn myself into a cold-hearted bastard. I'll do the only thing I can.'

ϡ

For a moment, Jim wondered what had woken him. He listened into the quiet of the late evening, but there wasn't a sound. 'Jim.' Spock's voice was very quiet, almost inaudible. If he thought about it, he wasn't certain he had heard anything at all.

'Spock, are you out there? Come in.'

'Your door is locked.'

'Oh. Sorry, be right there.' Wiping the sleep from his eyes he moved to the panel and opened. 'What can I do for you?' Spock stepped inside with his hands clasped behind his back.

'I apologise for waking you. Have you sustained any injuries? I wanted to ask you at once, but you seemed to evade me.' Jim smiled apologetically.

'I'm sorry. I wanted to be alone.' He walked to the faux leather sofa and let himself fall into it. 'If I'd been just a fraction of a second faster, Spock, Charika would be all right. I saw that guard draw, and I reacted, but I simply wasn't fast enough.'

'Jim, do not blame yourself. Charika knew it was dangerous to go into the city and watch T'Kray's and my back. He insisted.'

'I wasn't fast enough.'

'He is not yet dead. Our doctor is one of the best in the entire Federation. But you have not answered my question.'

'What question? Oh. No, I told you in the city I'm good. You know, they got only one clear shot at us. One.'

'Would you not call it bad luck, Jim?'

'Since when do you believe in that?'

'I believe in an unfortunate combination of circumstances that were outside our control. I know that your reactions are very fast for a human. If you were too slow, there is an excellent chance there definitely was not enough time for anyone to stop what happened.' Spock sat next to him. 'I feel that I need to apologise to you.' Jim blinked and stared at him.

'You travelled through half the galaxy to get me back. I'm … I'm speechless about what lengths you're ready to go to. What on earth would you apologise for?'

'I never told you how glad I am that you are well.'

'There are many things you don't give voice to, but I still know them. I know emotions are difficult for you to have in the first place, let alone speak of them.'

'T'Kray reminded me that was not always the case. I had forgotten it, but she is right. When I was younger, I was much more like her. I changed my mind a few years into the academy.'

'But you changed it back. You did acknowledge your human half eventually.'

'I am not cut into two separate beings, Jim. I am one man with two aspects. Both of them are capable of emotion, but only the human part can handle them. Which is why I need to be careful, maybe more than T'Kray. What is human in me may lure me into believing I can allow myself to feel and make it more likely I lose control.'

'And all that I know and understand.' Jim shifted, pulling his left leg under him. 'I have no idea where you're going with this.'

'I want to ask you a question.' Jim opened his arms wide and smiled.

'Fire away.' Spock rose and faced away from Jim.

'Can you still hear me?'

'What?'

'Can you still hear me, Jim?' Frowning, Jim got to his feet himself and walked to the Vulcan. He wondered if he should be worried about his friend. It was a very strange thing to ask.

'Of course I hear you, I'm not deaf.' Spock looked at him.

'Because I am not speaking.' Jim stared up into the deep, brown eyes, a thousand questions chasing each other in his head. Not a muscle had moved in Spock's face. Not even his lips.

ϡ

Leonard slammed the jar on the table in the lab, hard enough to make a racket and gentle enough not to break it. 'Do as I say, Minian.'

'How do I …'

'I'll direct you.' Leonard slung a strip of cloth around his left arm and pulled it tight with his teeth.

'It just … sounds wrong to do something like that.'

'Damn you, T'Kray's done it to a dehydrated patient before, only with water. I'll need what she used for that, by the way.'

'She had bags made for the water. I know where they are. They had an outlet that …'

'I know how infusions work. Now get over here with that vial. If you can't do it I'll manage myself, but it's that much easier for you.' Minian swallowed and approached. His hand holding the needle was shaking. 'Oh no, you don't. Not like that, thank you very much. You've got to get a grip, man. You've done more difficult things than that.'

'This is suicide!'

'Nonsense. I can live with a litre of blood less, but Charika won't. Give that here.' If Leonard hadn't been so irritated, pushing a needle into his own arm would have cost him more of an effort. The blood started to flow at once, and he leaned back in his chair. 'Well, this is going to take a while. You can …'

'Are you out of your mind, doctor?' T'Kray's voice was no longer cold and detached but distinctly angry. 'What do you think you are doing?'

'What does it look like?'

'How do you even know you can donate blood to him? I know I can't test for blood types.'

'Guess what. I know mine. It's zero. I can donate to any human. Well, almost. You've never done anything of the sort to him, have you?'

'No! How could I?'

'Well good. Then his rhesus factor doesn't matter either. Only the second time round you should find that out. If he's negative he can't receive blood from someone who's Rh positive a second time.'

'Just how much blood were you planning to transfer to him?'

'Three quarters of a litre minimum, given his state. Look. I'm a healthy man. If I get a few days rest I'll be fine. If you're worried, ask Spock and he'll verify that. It's the only thing I can do.'

'Couldn't you just … mix his blood with that of the other humans and see what happens?'

'Not clear enough. Are you trying to help me by making me angry so this goes faster? It's working.' T'Kray swallowed.

'Minian, go.' The human seemed happy to leave, and Leonard rolled his eyes. 'You scared him.'

'That's ridiculous! It's not like I threatened him.' T'Kray shook her head.

'You act like a madman, what do you expect? Did you even explain to him why this would help?'

'I didn't have time for a lengthy explanation about blood transfusions. Charika's skin was ice cold when I checked on him. He'll never open his eyes again if I don't do this.'

'Tell me why you can donate without testing.' Leonard shrugged.

'Apart from the fact he has nothing to lose? Because his blood won't fight mine, simply speaking. He'll have some reaction unless his blood type is also zero, but it won't kill him. If he's lucky there'll be no reaction at all.' T'Kray nodded slowly. 'The rhesus factor wouldn't matter at all if I were negative. If he's negative and receives blood from me now, he'll develop antibodies that would not allow a second donation. But the first time is safe.' T'Kray glanced at the half-full jar on the table and shook her head. She took the wad Leonard had prepared and pressed it against his arm before removing the needle.

'This will do. I'm not letting you take a litre of your own blood. You wait here, I'll prepare the transfusion.'

'You know how?'

'Yes, that I know. I simply wouldn't have dared without testing because I never cared about human blood types. Stay seated. I'll help you to your room when I'm done.'

'I'm fine.'

'Maybe. But I'm not risking you fainting on the way. Quiet now. You won the last argument, but this one's mine.'

ϡ

Jim was on the sofa, wide awake, staring into the growing darkness. Spock was sitting beside him, waiting patiently for him to come up with whatever questions he wanted to ask. Not that he knew which one to voice first. 'How?' was all he managed.

'How did I know, or how did it happen?'

'Both.'

'I know because I heard your call in my mind. I did not hear you any more after we reached here, probably because you were getting weaker. However, when you were outside the building today, I experienced a moment of confusion when you and Charika were first attacked. You see, I felt threatened, even though I had no knowledge of what was happening outside.'

'And how did it happen?'

'That I do not know. Nor can I tell you when or why. I am not entirely certain about the nature of the link. It is not a permanent feed of thoughts. You, or rather your unconscious, were much more vocal before our arrival. Now I only receive from you when you are very tired or under extreme pressure. Even then, you convey nothing more than brief impressions, less than an image. I also had to concentrate to allow you to hear my thoughts. I feel compelled to tell you that it is not something I intentionally created and it eludes me how I failed to notice it. It must have been there for a while now.'

'Shouldn't a link like that have been broken by my death?' Spock considered that for a moment.

'Not necessarily. A permanent link between two minds is created by each mind leaving a trace of itself inside the other. When you appeared here on Dainam, you had all your memories, and apparently a piece of your mind remembered it was with me. As to the origin of the link, my best guess right now is that our comparatively frequent mind melds had that consequence.'

'All of which happened before you died. And you had practically no memory of the past after that.'

'A temporary side effect of the fal-tor-pan. I recall everything now.' Jim smiled at Spock, trying to look into himself and detect … something. He failed magnificently. There was nothing there, no presence inside his own mind like during a meld.

'Well, I think it can be very useful. Imagine all those times we could have communicated without words.'

'I believe a part of our mutual understanding can be explained by the link. I do, however, recommend to remove it.'

'Why? It can't hurt me.'

'Actually, it can, and I am surprised it never has. T'Kray as a Vulcan and a psychologist will be able to help.' Jim blinked and put his hand on Spock's arm.

'Look, I don't think this is necessary. Apparently this isn't something new, and it's so … so slight it doesn't backfire in any way.'

'You plan to use it, Jim. That will change the link, deepen it to a level you would not want and that would create a very serious problem for you in the future.' Jim nodded slowly. Indeed, Spock wasn't one to talk about his own feelings very much. But it was clear that he was uncomfortable with the link.

'All right. I will talk to T'Kray tomorrow. I will ask her if she can … break that link.'

'Remove it, not break it. I would prefer to talk to her myself.' Jim snorted.

'Knock yourself out. But I'll ask too, because I wouldn't put it past you to trivialise potential risks to yourself. And I have a feeling you're not saying all you know. Well, be that way. I'll get my answers elsewhere.'