In Which Rules Are Established

Sasuke wandered into Gaara's empty living room, a room buried in magazines, newspapers, soda bottles, various articles of clothing in questionable states of clean, including what he guessed was Temari's underwear, unless pink, lacy panties were Gaara's thing. They certainly weren't Sasuke's thing, and if he was gonna go through with this whole gay thing then he would do so on his own terms. Rule Number One: No cross dressing, especially not if it's pink.

Seriously, though. Not even Naruto's house was ever in this state of... immodest chaos. It was filthy, too. A lot of DVDs and knick knacks along shelves caked in dust, and there were a few framed pictures hanging crooked on the walls. Upon closer inspection he noticed an empty, crushed can of mountain dew on the couch, as well as ambiguous crumbs.

Luckily Sasuke had no problem standing. Standing is good. He didn't want to risk getting soda on his pants, or having bugs crawl on him, especially not cock roaches. Just imaging it made him want to puke. He turned his attention toward the window and noted that the sun was already going down. He pulled his phone out of the small frontal compartment of his backpack and saw the words "Missed Call" on the screen. His dad called not ten minutes ago. It was on vibrate, so he hadn't heard it while he was, well, in the midst of things. He suddenly noticed how hot his face still was, and it only got worse the more he thought about it.

Calling dad back wasn't a good idea. He would ask Sasuke why he didn't pick up his phone, where he was, doing what, with whom, and how and when he was coming home. He'd be extra cranky with his bad back, too. And what was Sasuke supposed to say? Something along the lines of "I didn't pick up because I was busy in a crappy downtown apartment playing tonsil hockey with some weird eighth grade boy who my so-called best friend thrust upon me, and I'll be home somehow in time for dinner" would blow over really fucking well with his dad. It would in much the same way Sasuke getting F's, playing Call of Duty for twelve hours a day, and swearing in front of his devout Catholic grandmother would.

Rule Number Two: What dad doesn't know won't kill him, or Sasuke for that matter.

Sasuke tried to get in touch with Itachi, and all he got was voice mail. Then he texted Itachi. "I really need you. Call me," he sent, then waited. And waited. He glared down at the phone like it was offending him with its silence. Then he waited just a minute more. Then he contemplated calling a cab. Mom put it in his contacts in case of an emergency, which hadn't even occurred to him earlier because he'd never called a cab before. It was never an issue, until now, and dad could afford it, he hoped. Then again, dad wasn't one for unexpected expenses popping up. He'd complain about it all night at the very least, but was that really such a huge price to pay? Maybe he should call and ask first.

That is, until he felt something weird brush against his leg. Though it was silly he thought of giant cock roaches at first and could taste bile. This day. This fucking day. It was unrelenting.

"Kaz, where'd you go?" Naruto called out. He was right outside the room, snapping Sasuke from his grotesque mental images. His gaze swept toward his feet, and the thing that'd been tickling his ankle was... a chinchilla? Wait, no, it was a ferret. He was pretty sure. Sasuke wasn't too animal savvy. In all his life his family had owned exactly one cat, but Sasuke didn't remember. He was only two then, and Itachi was allergic to it, so they had to give it away. These days Itachi had it bad enough with the rabbits they got in their yard. Allergies practically bulldozed him come springtime, and fall was no cake walk either. Mom was the same, to a lesser extent. Sasuke's allergies were far more manageable than theirs, though he suspected that they'd get worse with time, which was just his luck.

"Hey Sasuke, looks like you made a friend," said Naruto, who bent down to pick up the elongated creature. "Meet Kaz, Temari's amazing bouncing ferret."

"Hello Malfoy," said Sasuke, now that he was absolutely certain that it was a ferret.

"That's Kaz to you, Sassy-pants!" said Naruto in a high-pitched voice while waving the ferret's paw at him. It's a wonder that the damn thing didn't bite him, though Naruto had an affinity toward animals. He was pretty animal-like himself, mostly in that he had the mind of a worm, and was about to be crushed like one. Sasuke hadn't forgotten for one second what this asshole pulled.

"OK Kaz." Sasuke was smirking now. This couldn't end well. "Did you know that the last man to call me 'Sassy-pants' met an untimely death by strangulation?"

Sasuke whipped his arm around Naruto's neck and locked it in a choke hold. The ferret hopped out of Naruto's arms and scurried off, freeing his hands to pull at the arm restricting his air flow. It wouldn't do him any good, since Sasuke was the more physically fit of the two. Sure, Naruto claimed to get plenty of exercise. Perhaps from running away from his mom when he pissed her off, which was admittedly a daily occurrence, but Sasuke had a better routine, and weight lifting was part of it.

"Say uncle, you prick."

"Gah... fuh... oowwa-f-fff..."

"Excuse me? What?"

"Fuh... huk... yuu..."

"Better hurry up and say uncle. You're turning awfully blue."

At that Sasuke heard two sharp claps from behind him, distracting him from his suffocating friend.

"Cat fight's over, ladies. Your ride's here," said Temari, leaning against the doorway. She appeared far more decent now in pajama bottoms and hoodie the color of baby lotion. Always with the damn pink these girls, but at least she wasn't in her underwear anymore. Temari and Gaara both had a striking lack of shame, and Sasuke couldn't help but wonder if the elusive third sibling was the same way. Probably, given the state of their home. And what about the dad? Or mom? Was there a mom? Sasuke couldn't imagine any parent in their right mind being OK with these living conditions, or the way these people behaved. What the absolute fuck?

He shoved Naruto away, allowing the idiot to take a much coveted gasp of air. Before Naruto could collect his bearings Sasuke had already bounded toward the door. The hall between the apartment and the exit was now conveniently lit, and littered with more plastic bottles. These people were rolling in a potential sea of nickels, if any of them had enough sense to take the damn bottles to the grocery store and get them. Sasuke suspected not. Sense and all the damn people in his life at the moment did not go together. Where the hell was Itachi? Fuck.

Come to think of it, what did Temari mean by ride, anyway? Who was their ride? Hopefully not the elusive third sibling, or the obviously neglectful dad. Sasuke didn't want to know any more of them. The Sabaku family were demons from hell, the lot of 'em! Of that he was certain. Then his mind had to go and remind him that he'd been sucking face with Satan's son not too long ago, and he swatted away the mental image. It was over. Done! Moving on now.

"You could have killed me, you stupid fuck!" Naruto belted, charging toward the irate teen. He tackled Sasuke right into the grass and attempted pin him down, but Sasuke managed to writhe out of his grasp and get back on his feet.

"Let's go, damn it! Dinner's on, and your father's hopeless at minding the pasta," said Kushina from the side of the road. Sasuke supposed that meant both of them, not that he really cared to spend another second in Naruto's company. He was confused, pissed off, tired, and now his favorite jacket was muddy. And he probably had leaves in his hair. He certainly had a pain in his ass, and not that kind of pain either. Oh geez.

Rule Number Three: Gay humor was to be ignored and forgotten at all times regardless of the source, especially if the source was himself.

Besides, he had more important things to think about.

"I'm going to murder your son, Mrs. Kushina" said Sasuke, climbing into the passenger side of Kushina's clunky Jetta. It took every ounce of willpower in his bones not to slam the door shut behind him.

"Need help hiding the body?"

"What the hell, mom?" said Naruto, climbing into the back. He had to push a big pile of junk out of his way just to have a place to sit. Kushina did not keep a very clean car these days, which got a wince out of Sasuke. He wanted to go home where it was clean and bathe for five hours. "You're supposed to be on my side."

"If Sasuke's gonna kill ya then ya probably did something to deserve it."

This is what Naruto got for meaning well, he supposed. Never again. "Thanks a lot, guys. I feel the love. In fact, it's all over my crushed esophagus."

"You wouldn't be able to complain if you had a crushed esophagus," said Sasuke, earning one kick to the back of his seat.

"Awrighty, both of you shut up for a minute. Gotta get out of here without killing us all," said Kushina as she fired up the ignition. When Bon Jovi blared through the speakers she turned it down to an utter, but not quite off because music was good for the soul. Downtown Farwell was scary enough during the day. Pulling out of a parallel parking space was scary enough during the day. Dealing with both at night sucked, especially with a pair of pissy adolescent boys in her car. No matter, though. It's just how they were. Besides, it was a Friday, so it was nice to see the boys out and about, and with their new friend, too. These times sure didn't last.

"Woo, we have achieved road!" She turned Livin' On a Prayer back up, but not loud enough to drown out their voices. There was talking to do. "Do tell, sweetie. Like what did my problem child do this time?"

"Debauchery," said Sasuke, and offered no more.

"Fuck you!" said Naruto.

"Hey, hey, HEY!" Kushina yelled. They were at a stop sign, too, so it gave her a chance to reach back and smack his knee before turning. "If you don't clean up that filthy yap then you can tuck 'n roll, mister!"

"Sorry," he grumbled, not meaning it one bit.

"That's better. Anyway, like what is this about debauchery? You're barely out of diapers, both of you!

"At least that's what I should say. Now this mom is many things, but blind totally isn't one of them. I know what sort of trouble boys your age get into. You think I don't, but I do. Boy do I have stories about both your fathers."

"Mooom!" Naruto whined. For once Sasuke had to agree, because he wasn't terribly comfortable with the prospect of stories about his father.

"We're gonna have a little chat tonight, Naruto."

"No, that's quite all right," said Naruto. "Dad already had Uncle Jiraiya give me The Talk, remember?"

"That's what I'm afraid of," she said through her barred teeth. She loved Minato. Really, she loved her husband. He was so dear. Their marriage wouldn't have lasted twenty-two years and counting otherwise. He tried so hard. He was sweet and handsome and served his country. What's not to love? But sometimes he was incredibly, unforgivably dense, like with dinner, and making tactful decisions about their son's education on... certain topics. Her knuckles turned white against the steering wheel just thinking about it.

No one spoke for the rest of the ride, much to the boys' relief, all content to just sit back and half-listen to tunes that were big in the 80's. There wasn't enough revenge in the world that Sasuke could extract upon Naruto after today, though he supposed for now it was satisfying enough that Kushina would be tormenting him tonight. Embarrassing the boys was practically her hobby, but luckily for Sasuke he wasn't the one who lived with her. His own mom was bad enough with her nosiness, but she wasn't coming home until late anyway. If it was just him and his dad then all he had to do was take out the trash, give the man a can of beer, and disappear into his room until he was hungry, after he lied about what he was up to and why he didn't call, of course. There was still that essay to write, too. Homework was always a good distraction.

"Bon voyage, cutiepie," said Kushina once they reached Sasuke's house, and she even gave his cheek a pinch. "Hate to kick you out, but I gotta like jet before dearest hubs blows up the kitchen."

"... Right. Thank you for the ride." Sasuke wanted to ask her why Minato didn't just pick them up instead, but he knew where he wasn't wanted. He unbuckled, grabbed his pack, and stepped out. Naruto got out and hopped in the front seat without so much as sparing him a glance, which was fine since Sasuke didn't have anything to say to him anyway. Once Naruto buckled in that crazy woman tore away from the curb, and that car shot down the street like a rocket. And this was a school teacher, mind you. A school teacher Sasuke could potentially have class with someday. Can you like solve for X, cutie patootie? Hugs and kisses if you get it right! A thousand lashes if you get it wrong! Yeah right. If she pulled that she could get pretty fuckin' fired, but somehow he still wouldn't put it past her.

Suddenly he noticed how cold it was out, so he headed inside.

"I'm home," said Sasuke, kicking off his shoes and shrugging off his muddy jacket at the door. "Dad?"

"Dad's asleep," said Itachi, walking out of the kitchen to greet Sasuke like it was nothing. The younger Uchiha practically snarled at the sight.

"You were home the whole time? What the fuck, I was trying to get in touch with you."

"My phone died. Hmm?" Itachi's brow twitched when he caught sight of something. He stretched his fingers out toward the collar of Sasuke's shirt and peeled it back to show the rest of a small, red bruise. Sasuke pushed his hand away and he snorted. "So that's what you were up to. I told dad that you were staying after school to study so he'd quit worrying and take his Vicodin."

Well, Itachi bailed him out of an annoying game of twenty questions, at least. Even so, the way Itachi had said all of that disturbed him.

"What do you mean 'that's what you were up to'?"

"You have a hickey, Sasuke. I'll get you an ice pack."

"You can't be fuckin' serious," said Sasuke, rushing through the kitchen toward the downstairs bathroom. He tossed his soiled jacket into the dirty laundry pile and pulled back his collar. Indeed there was a hideous red splotch the size of a quarter right above his collar bone. He was so pissed that he didn't even sense Itachi standing in the doorway with an ice pack in hand, who was trying very hard not to laugh. He did most of his laughing on the inside, but this was one of those things that really was that funny. His little Sasuke was growing up. Of course the inward snickers gave way to surprise when the next words to come out of Sasuke's mouth registered in his mind. "That sick sonofabitch. I'll fuckin' kill him."

"Him?" Itachi said, and the horror on Sasuke's face might have lead one to believe that Itachi had a loaded gun pointed between his eyes. He'd now been trapped by his older brother's curiosity, not to mention a very long stride toward his parents finding out. Shit. This couldn't possibly be happening. AGAIN. Once again he was in a situation where there was no immediate, feasible way out. It was maddening how everyone in his life seemed to just dig and dig and dig into him like he was their own person excavation site. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? Why couldn't he get a damn break? The worst part was that he was so frozen now that he couldn't think of a lie on the spot convincing enough to throw Itachi off. The universe seemed determined to drive him completely crazy, and with that familiar ache in his chest it had finally worked.

Sasuke had really reached his limit. His mind shut down, and adrenaline blasted through his veins like poison. He was a cornered animal whose heart was ready to explode. He squeezed both sides of the sink basin, ducked his head down, and started hyperventilating. Itachi pocketed the ice pack in his hooded sweatshirt and threw his arms around his brother from behind.

"Don't touch me!" Sasuke snarled through labored pants and severe chest pain.

"Shh," said Itachi, tightening his hold. Sasuke swallowed, and in just a few short moments his breath gradually slowed. After all, it was his brother, who was sometimes just the right source of calm, as ironic as that was in this particular situation. Itachi was the one who'd triggered him in the first place, the damn fool. What Sasuke wouldn't give to just vanish into thin air at this very moment. He hated this. He hated everything and everyone. Fuck all! "I need you to slow down, OK? Relax. There's nothing to be upset about."

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?" Sasuke managed to say once his heart rate was back below light speed. His breath was still heavy, but he was able to take back control with relative ease.

"I'm not sure what's wrong with anyone else, but I have a severe case of loving and caring about my little brother no matter what."

"Yeah, it really shows in how you picked up your phone earlier," said Sasuke, shrugging Itachi's arms off. The two of them left the bathroom with a positively acidic silence between them. Sasuke's chest and stomach were in shreds. His face was hot. His head was in a painful buzz. There actually were leaves in his hair, which Itachi had pulled out for him. Sasuke didn't thank him.

If mom somehow managed to spot this fucking hickey she was going to murder him. He pressed the ice pack Itachi offered to the offending bruise and hissed at the stab of cold.

"I assume you don't want to talk about whatever happened with mom and dad, but just so that we're clear. Whoever gave you that hickey didn't... force himself upon you, did he?"

It depends on how you define force, Sasuke mused, though if he said anything to even suggest that he'd been violated then Itachi would go on a rampage. As amusing as that might be, Sasuke found that he just didn't hate Gaara enough to condemn him to such a fate. Not to mention his parents would probably find out about it. That had to be avoided at all costs.

"No. I let him do it."

"You let him," said Itachi, and something wicked had occurred to him to make him smirk. Sasuke couldn't stand that expression. "Was it Naruto?"

"What?!" Sasuke's incredible fluctuating heart rate took another shot into space, and the tightness in his everything did little to comfort him. No matter what he would not have a visual of himself and Naruto engaged in such... NO! "Hell no! Are you out of your mind?"

"Was it really such a terrible guess? It's not like I see you hang out with anyone else of your own volition."

Fair enough. Sasuke couldn't exactly deny that, and was trying very hard to ignore the impact that insinuation had.

Rule Number Four: Thou shalt not fantasize about thine best friend.

"If it wasn't Naruto then who was it?"

"Just some eighth grader. I made out with him twice. End of story."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"No, and he never will be."

"I see," said Itachi, who seemed fascinated by this new development in Sasuke's life. He was also relieved that Sasuke's short-lived affair with this nameless eighth grader was consensual. Although one thing that was frustrating about the younger Uchiha was how tight-lipped he was these days, not that Itachi had any right to complain. He was the same way at that age, minus homosexual activity. Still, Itachi found it disconcerting that Sasuke never talked about his problems. Itachi could pry more out of him than anyone, except maybe Naruto, but it wasn't like he and Naruto ever compared notes. Nobody had time for that, though the more Sasuke shut himself away in his little bubble, the more Itachi had to worry about. He couldn't help it. "How long have you known that you felt this way about boys?"

Sasuke shrugged. "Since today technically, but I think I sort of already knew all my life. All I knew for sure before today was that I don't like girls. Not like that."

"Mom's going to be upset when she finds out that you're not her little lady killer after all." The laid back amusement in Itachi's tone was enough to make Sasuke want to start tearing at his hair. There wasn't a single, solitary bit of this that he found funny.

"She doesn't need to find out, and neither does dad. Especially not dad." Sasuke's hand was growing numb against that ice pack, so he switched. This had better make the stupid thing go away, because he didn't own any turtle necks, and mom would wonder why he was bumming around the house in hoodies all weekend. She noticed things like that. Her attention to detail was a horrible thing sometimes. Normally in these situations he would seek refuge at Naruto's house, and come to think of it, since this was technically Naruto's fault Sasuke felt like he owed him. Then again, Sasuke didn't want to be any part of whatever talk Kushina promised to have with Naruto.

"You'll have to tell them eventually," said Itachi. "I can guarantee that it won't be as bad as you think."

"You can't possibly guarantee that. Besides, who are you to tell me how bad I think it'll be anyway?"

"Judging by the freak out you just had when I found out, I'd call a bad of nuclear proportions a pretty good guess."

"I had to put up with a lot of shit today. You finding out was just the final nail in the coffin."

"Whatever you say, little brother." The doorbell rang, and Itachi gave Sasuke's head a ruffle. "That should be our dinner."

Sasuke sat alone in the kitchen for a spell, assuming Itachi had ordered pizza or something. That was a normal Friday occurrence. Dad could cook if he felt like it, but he often didn't feel like it, particularly if his back was in bad shape. Mom was the same, but since she didn't work as much as Fugaku she felt obligated to do more of it. She was most fond of throwing together salads these days because they took all of two minutes to make and they were healthy. She'd even roast a chicken the night before just to add some bulk to the veggies. Sasuke and Itachi would eat them without complaint, mostly because they had to choose their battles with their parents wisely, and mom's salads weren't bad. The same couldn't be said for dad, though. He hated rabbit food. Mom and dad argued a lot these days about every little stupid thing. On top of Sasuke's utmost certainty that his parents wouldn't like the fact that he was gay, he also didn't want to bother them with his problems. They had enough of their own.

"Hiya, cuz. Long time no see," said Shisui, heading into the kitchen with one heavy paper bag. It smelled like grease, so it was probably Chinese food. Sasuke hadn't been a fan since the day he'd mistakenly eaten shrimp that wasn't supposed to be in his rice. He thought that stomach ache would never go away.

"Hey," said Sasuke. He felt relieved for the break in the previous conversation, though. To be quite honest he just wanted to go to bed. No more talk of girlfriends, boyfriends, parents, hickeys, and what have you. He just wanted to crawl into bed and pretend none of it ever happened.

"What's with the ice pack?"

"Nothing!" Sasuke stood up and walked toward the door, pressing the ice pack more firmly to his neck. "Excuse me. I'm going upstairs."

"There's an eggroll in this bag with your name on it, Sasuke. Come down when you get hungry, 'K?"

"Sure."

He'd almost walked right into Itachi on his way toward the stairs. They were just far enough out of earshot while Shisui was unloading their goldmine of MSG and stuff that was probably tainted by damn shellfish.

"Don't tell him anything," Sasuke whispered.

"Go to bed, Sasuke. You'll feel better in the morning," was all Itachi had to say to that. He gave his brother's shoulder a squeeze and joined Shisui in the kitchen. Sasuke headed upstairs to his room for a change of clothes. No matter how badly he wanted to flop into bed, a shower needed to come first. Too much of Gaara and his apartment still clung to his skin.

From the shower he could hear the muffled voices of his brother and cousin, but couldn't make out what they were saying beneath the hot spray. It wasn't that Sasuke didn't trust that his secret was safe with Itachi. Quite the contrary, Itachi could be secretive enough to put any agent of the CIA to shame. Now Sasuke knew a few funny things about Itachi that their parents didn't, like the fact that he smoked pot with Nagato and Konan, and he had a tattoo of an airborne raven between his shoulders. That wasn't what bothered him. It was all the stuff Sasuke didn't know that bothered him. Sometimes he swore he had no idea who his brother was, and the more time passed the more they seemed to drift apart. In fact, tonight was the first night they'd had an actual conversation in awhile. Also, Itachi would be transferring to uni this time next year. This was probably the last year they would ever live together.

Having considered that, Sasuke thought that maybe his little slip up wasn't so bad after all. Maybe Itachi knowing some of Sasuke's secrets would grant him access to some of Itachi's, and they could be closer. It was something to think about, but later. Sasuke toweled dry, dressed in the bathroom, and went back into his room. His eyes were heavy, and he didn't want to think about anything anymore.

Rule Number Five: No matter how catastrophic, sometimes you have to just let it be.

TBC