I have to include Hammond in at least one of these chapters. Honestly, I feel he is a big part of SG, even if he wasn't one of the actual team members, and I'm very sorry to hear he's gone. R.I.P Don S. Davis, you won't be forgotten. There may not be a lot of appearances, since it's been a while since I watched the older SG eps, but I'm going to try to include him in a few, at least.

Also, instead of a single thing in each chapter, like the 'Great Tit', 'Blue-Footed Boobies' and whatnot, I'll also include chapters like this, if and when I can.

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(Normal POV)

It was a surprisingly quiet day at the SGC, and Sam couldn't be more bored. Usually, she had Cam, Daniel, Vala or Teal'C to hang out with, or some sort of important work, but not today. Everything had been catalogued, there were no new finds, and the boys weren't anywhere to be found. Oh, and Vala had taken off from the base, following an SG team off world, because she'd taken a shining to one of the marines, and apparently, him to her.

She'd spoken to Dr. Lee, who once again was coming up with lame jokes, or making no sense what-so-ever. General Landry was in a briefing with Generals O'Neill and Hammond. Dr. Lam had an infirmary full of patients who'd been involved with a minor explosion on one of the upper levels. There were no serious injuries, but several of the marines and scientists were asked to stay, until all their blood work came back, to make sure they hadn't been infected by anything.

So here she was, walking alone down one of the corridors, lines with people's quarters, and a couple of labs. Her destination was Daniel's lab, to see if he was there. When she finally got to the door, it was closed, and she hesitated before raising her hand to knock. Usually, even when he wasn't in the best of moods, Daniel's door was open, unless he wasn't there.

Well, only one way to find out. she thought as she as about to knock.

Then, the sounds on the other side made her pause.

"Would you stop that?" That was Cam's voice.

For a moment, Sam wondered what Cam was doing in Daniel's office, and why the door was shut.

"If you'd stop squirming, it wouldn't be so bad. God, Cam. You're a mess!" That was Daniel. His tone seemed torn between amusement and scolding. "I told you not to get it on you. What did you do, roll in it??"

She raised an eyebrow and slowly lowered her hand, rethinking disturbing them. She knew she should walk away, and not evesdrop, but she couldn't seem to make her feet work. Maybe it was the odd fascination with the discussion.

"Damn. It's harder than I thought!"

Her eyes went wide and she covered her mouth. The conversation which was sounding wrong and making no sense to her before, was suddenly sounding so much worse and making a lot of very bad sense, now. Looking around wildly, she mentally tried to convince herself she really didn't want to be out here, listening to all this, but once again, her feet refused to move.

"Gee, I could've told you that!" Cam let out a yelp and there was the sound of a thud in the room. "Watch the hands!"

There was a snort of laughter and the sound of something moving against the floor before a light thud. Maybe the sound of something being picked up off the ground. "I didn't know you were ticklish."

"Tell anyone and you're dead, Jackson." The voice was low, but it ended in a gasp. "Ack! Cold!"

What the hell is going on in there?! Part of Sam wished Vala could be in there, she was sure the woman would have some...amusing thoughts about it. But then again, another part of her was glad Vala wasn't there, as she'd probably have busted in my now.

"Well let it warm up. Just give it a moment." There were some strange sounds and a grunt followed suit. "Would you...shift, or move, or something? I can't reach."

"Where are you reaching? It's right there!"

"It's all over, Cam." Now the tone was dry. "Look, I'm trying to help, but you're only making it harder."

A loud movement, a startled cry, and a thud.

"Ow! Damn! Why the hell do you keep all those around?" There was a strange sound, like something... "...It vibrates?"

There was silence for a moment before someone cleared their throat. "Well, yes. I don't exactly know why, as of yet." The vibrating quickly stopped and there was more movement in the office. "Now if you'd sit still, I'd be more than happy to help you out."

"Didn't you just say you wanted me to move?"

"You moved. Now sit like..." There was a choke yelp, a mumbled 'sorry', and more scuffling in the office. "There. Like that. Leave your back to me, it makes it easier to reach."

Sam's jaw dropped. Easier to reach? The vibrating sound had made her face burst with heat, and she knew she was blushing. The more she heard, the more certain she was, that there was something... Glancing around again, she was almost relieved that there didn't seem to be anyone in the hallway.

Then the sound of someone clearing their throat behind her made her jump and gasp quietly. Spinning in place, she felt her face heat up again as she came face to face with General O'Neill. Her mouth worked silently for a moment, trying to come up with an explanation as to why she was standing outside Daniel's office door, obviously listening to something going on inside.

Instead of greeting her or demanding to know what she was up to, he smiled a little and walked over, one silver eyebrow slowly raising in inquiry.

"Daniel!!" Cam almost screamed in shock. "Ow! Damn, that hurts!" He loudly hissed in pain, and then it turned into an almost relaxed, more pleasureable hiss. "That feels good."

"Sorry, didn't realize I was pushing so hard."

Jack's eyes went wide and he glanced at Sam a moment. The look on his face clearly stated he was wondering what the hell was going on, though it also stated he had a pretty good look and was a little disturbed. Then there was a sly, almost evil grin on his face as he re-raised his eyebrow at her, silently questioning why she was here, listening to the obviously...private going ons of Daniel's office.

"Oh. OH! Yeah..." Mitchell was almost purring in pleasure. "There. That feels good."

"Relax, it's working."

"Didn't know I'd get an-oh! Damn Daniel! You have amazing hands!" There was a low moan.

Turning to Sam, the disturbed look on O'Neill's face had grown and he stared at her for a moment. "We're probably reading too much into this." He whispered, turning and getting ready to knock on the door.

That's when the vibrating started up again.

"Cam, put that down." Daniel's tone was irritated and distracted, but mostly scolding. "You're like a kid, you know that? You have to play with everything."

"Aww Danny, you love me anyways." Cam sounded amused, the mocking tone in his voice very obvious. But as Daniel wished, the vibrating sound soon stopped.

At this point, O'Neill's jaw couldn't have dropped any further, and Sam couldn't suppress her quiet giggles at the scene he represented. The big, dignified General Jack O'Neill was standing ramrod straight in his dress blues, outside Daniel Jackson's office, hand raised poised to knock, face changing vivid colors from red to white and back, and jaw about as far dropped as humanly possible.

"Hang on..." Daniel sounded like he was focusing on something. "Almost...got it... There!"

There was silence for a moment, and O'Neill couldn't take it anymore. Without even knocking, he turned the knob and pushed the door open, stopping and staring in shock at the sight inside.

"Sir!" Shirtless Cam stood at attention quickly, a little blue smear on his face, and a big one across his chest.

Daniel looked shocked, staring at Jack a moment before removing his glasses, and placing a blue smeared cloth down on the table. "Jack. Hi, this is a surprise."

"Surprise. Yes, I agree." Jack stated in obvious confusion. He raised an eyebrow a moment and looked behind him, only to find Sam had scrambled off when he wasn't looking. "What, uh... What're you guys up to?" He nodded to the blue smears with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, these marks were made by some paint samples some local natives on P5X-419 sent back with us." Daniel was almost glaring at Cam. "I made sure to tell everyone not to get it on them, after I got some on my hands and couldn't get it off for days, but Mitchell came back from a mission with it all over his back, chest, arms, and face. I was using a special, safe solvent to get it off him, but it involves a lot of scrubbing."

"And man, Dr. Jackson can give one hell of a back massage!" Cam grinned a little, before seeing the strange look in O'Neill's eyes and frowning a little. "Sorry, sir...?"

"Oh, no. Don't apologize. I'm just glad to know what all the...strange sounds coming from in here, were. I was about to knock-what was that vibrating sound, anyways?" He tried to be perfectly innocent when he asked about it, but couldn't help the sly grin that came over his face. "I was standing out in the hall with Sam when Mitchell yelped, then began almost purring. Then this strange vibrating sound kicked in. It was rather...intriguing."

For a moment, both boys looked beyond confused as Daniel retrieved an odd shaped wooden carving of some sort, in a strange shape. Twisting the center body of it, the machine began to vibrate, rather loudly, and with another twist, it shut off again.

Then, Cam's eyes widened as he finally got the hint in Jack's message. "Sir, do you mean that... People were hearing... And it sounded..." He couldn't finish any of his sentences as his face turned a deep cherry red.

When Daniel looked confused at Jack's more than enthusiastic nod, Cam leaned over and whispered something in his ear. Within seconds, Daniel had jumped across the room, away from the said Colonel. "WHAT?!" There was no doubt that the entire hallway would have heard it, if there had been anyone walking along the hallway. Looking between them, his mouth gaped as he seemed obviously lost for words. "WHAAAT?!"

Jack began to laugh at the shell shocked, horrified look on Daniel's face. amd Cam grinned with a shrugged, obviously not at all bothered by what this had all sounded like. Looking at another smear, he picked up the cloth and began wiping at it.

"WHAT?!" Glaring at them both, he picked up his glasses, and stormed out of the room, too embarrassed and shocked to say anything. It took a moment, but then a very frustrated "Oh, ha, ha. Very funny." came from down the hallway, and a woman's laughter echoed up it.

Apparently, Sam had been laughing far too much to go too far, and when she saw Daniel, she busted up again at his horrified, disturbed face.

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Ok, just a point note, I am NOT against Slash. I like it as much as the next fangirl, this is just supposed to be a humor fic. And quite honestly, I'm more of a Cam/John or John/Rodney, John/Lorne person myself, but hey, I'll give anything a shot.

The "WHAT?!" part came from a youtube video I saw about a Stargate Atlantis convention, where 'furries' were explained to 'Teal'C', and his reaction. LOL.

Oh and question, why in Stargate Atlantis, is there a subcategory for Keller, but not Lorne? That boy's hot! There should be subcategories for him, too! Or...not subcategories, but his name in the list, so you can look up fics with him as a main character...?

Oh, and I have no idea what the alien artifact, the vibrating one, is supposed to be. Just an idol of sorts.

Anyways, Hope you like it.

R+R please

Thank you.

Tenshi