Thank you to everyone who's following and reviewing, I already have the next chapter written and ready to go so just want some feedback from this and it'll be all yours! X
**
Elliot smiled as he watched his son sleeping. Eli had gotten so big. His little boy was growing up and in the past few weeks he'd found himself wanting to spend more and more time with the little guy. He knew the loss of his child with Olivia made him more grateful for the kids he had. While holding Eli a couple of weeks ago he found himself thinking about the baby he could have had with Olivia. He knew what happened was his fault and tried to convince himself that he had no right to mourn. Everything had worked out for him, his wife forgave him, but...he couldn't help but feel a tinge of sadness whenever he thought of Olivia and his...the baby.
After weeks of telling himself that it was for the best and that you can't miss something you've never had, he sat alone in church late at night and finally accepted that he was devastated by the loss of his child. He finally stopped berating himself and allowed himself to mourn for the baby he would never know. He allowed himself those brief hours of thinking about his child before picking himself up and putting the barriers up all over again. He promised himself that he would cherish his children more than he ever had now that he knew what it was to lose one. He was shaken from his thoughts as Lizzie walked into the bedroom.
"Hey, honey." Elliot smiled. She gave him a faint smile. She'd been different with him for weeks. He figured she was going through teenage issues and he was the unlucky target. "How's the studying going?"
"It's fine." She looked at her little brother.
"Mom won't be back for a few hours, your sister and brother are out – wanna put on a film and chill out on the sofa?" he asked with a smile. She looked at him and he'd never seen such a look in her eyes. "What uh, what's the matter?" he asked.
"I know what you did," she told him.
He frowned slightly. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"I heard you and mom, I know you...I know what you did with Olivia," she said coldly.
His heart stopped.
"Mom may have forgiven you but I can't."
"Lizzie..." He didn't know what to say. His little girl was looking at him the way he would look at a perp: with such hatred.
"How could you do that to us?" she asked, struggling not to cry. "With her?" she looked him dead in the eye. "I always stood up for you, always. I always told Kathleen to shut up when she said anything about Olivia because I liked her and you...you slept with her. You cheated on Mom." She shook her head, "I thought you were better than this, I was so proud of you Daddy." A tear slipped down her cheek.
"Baby..." he barely whispered. "I'm sorry-" he said, his heart breaking.
"No!" she shouted. "No! You don't tell me you're sorry, you don't sleep with her and tell us you're sorry! Mom should never have forgiven you."
"I know," he sighed, looking at his distraught daughter. "I messed up, and I'll never forgive myself."
"I just – I don't understand it, if you wanted to be with her why aren't you?" she asked.
He looked up, confused.
"What-"
"When you and Mom split up, why didn't you get with her then?" she sobbed. "Why wait until you and Mom are together? We were happy. How can we ever be happy now?" she asked.
"I...I need you to try and forgive me baby...I promise that I will never-"
"Did you want her baby?" she asked.
He recoiled. He'd hoped she hadn't heard that part.
"Did you want to be with her?"
"I love your mom. I love you all so much, and I'm so sorry." He'd never felt lower. He thought he'd reached his lowest many times in the last few months, but watching his beautiful daughter crying before him nearly killed him.
"I want to hate you," she wiped her eyes. "I want to hate you so much but I can't."
"Baby please..."
"You have to promise me Daddy. Promise me you don't want her," she begged. "That if she came back tomorrow you wouldn't' leave us-"
"I'm never leaving you again, I promise." He reached out for her, afraid she would recoil.
She walked into his arms and clung to him as she cried.
"I'm so sorry," he told her. "I'm sorry."
His daughter breaking down in his arms provided him with the kick he needed to stop thinking of Olivia late at night. He couldn't do it anymore. His family deserved better. He wouldn't hurt them again. As much as he missed Olivia and desperately needed to know she was okay, he had to put his children first.
***
Olivia placed her hand over her stomach as the car pulled up outside of the apartment that Tom had rented for them.
"It's going to be okay," Tom placed his hand over hers. "I'm here, okay?"
She nodded. "Okay, it's uh, it's fine," she smiled.
As much as she liked Tom, she wasn't quite ready to tell him her every thought. She was terrified. She didn't know if she could face Elliot again. The fact that she was still carrying his baby was only part of it. She'd only recently admitted that she loved him, only recently accepted that whether he'd meant to or not, he broke her heart. She didn't know if she was ready to face him again - no, she knew she wasn't ready to face him. She'd only just stopped crying for him. Being away from him helped her. She missed him, yes, but she didn't have to face him knowing how cruel he had been to her, knowing how much he resented her, knowing that she had been kidding herself for years about how he felt for her. She'd wasted so many years on him and she needed to be free of him. She had promised herself that she would keep her composure when she saw him, but here and now - not even with him, just in the same city - she doubted that she would be able to see him without falling apart all over again. She knew that she couldn't take it again. She had to do something.
**
Donald Cragen sat in his office, sighing as he prepared to leave after another long day. He looked up as there was a gentle knock on the door.
"Come in!" he called, not bothering to look up. He figured it would be Fin coming in to hand him his final case file.
"Uh...Captain."
He looked up as he heard the familiar voice of Olivia Benson. His eyes widened as he saw her swelling stomach.
"Olivia?!" he exclaimed standing up and wrapping his arms around her. "When uh, when did this happen?" he asked.
She smiled as he struggled to get his head around the fact that she was pregnant.
"You look wonderful," he smiled.
"Thank you. I uh, I wanted to come and talk to you-"
"Why didn't you tell anyone you were pregnant Olivia?" he asked softly.
She looked up at him. "Uh, I didn't know until I left," she lied, placing a protective hand around her stomach. She felt so vulnerable standing in front of him, lying to him.
"And the uh...the father?" he asked, not knowing if he wanted to hear the answer.
"He's a good man Sir."
"I don't see a ring on that finger," he stated, prying more into the man who had impregnated the younger woman.
"He's a good man. This uh, this wasn't expected, but we're taking it day by day."
"When do I get to meet him?" he asked, still in shock. He'd never pictured Olivia Benson settling down having babies, and here she was in front of him at least 5 months pregnant. Of course it was what he wanted for her, but he didn't even know she had been seeing anyone.
"Uh, I don't know," she answered honestly. "I uh, I wanted to talk to you about the trial – I think Elliot's testimony will be enough. I...I don't think I can do it," she told him.
He looked at her and gently put his hand over hers. "I know what he put you and Elliot through was horrific, but you were alone with him when he confessed to two murders."
"I know, I know but I...I don't want to risk getting stressed-"
"Have you had complications?" he asked, gesturing to her stomach.
She shook her head.
"Olivia you can tell me," he spoke so softly.
"I've uh, I've been going through a lot – it's only been the past few weeks that I've gotten back on track and I'm scared this will put me back to that place," she told him. "I just...I can't do it again."
"Olivia, I'll never understand exactly what happened, but this is a way of putting the memories and the...the pain to rest."
"What if it just creates more?" she placed her hand over her stomach. She knew he was talking about Vickers. Seeing him again did frighten her, having to say the horrific things he had done. She wished she hadn't given Cragen her phone number - that she hadn't agreed to come back. The only reason she was there was to put Michael Vickers where he belonged, and now she was losing her nerve to even do that. "Don, I just – I don't think I can do this," she admitted, "I thought I could, but I can't."
"Captain I-" Liv froze as the door swung open, Fin stopped in his tracks. "Olivia?" he stared at her.
She didn't know what to say.
"Woah!" he stepped back as he saw her pregnant belly. He reached forward and grabbed her, pulling her into a hug. "We've missed you so much," he told her.
She sighed with relief, glad he hadn't asked about the baby. She knew he would, eventually.
**
Liv had spoken briefly with Fin, asking him not to mention seeing her to anyone else. Then she left making her excuses. Fin hadn't asked about the baby something that she was happy for. She couldn't lie to him as well as Cragen. Not now. Not yet. Fin had been a good friend to her, especially since Sealview - something she wouldn't allow herself to think of, afraid that the baby would hear her thoughts. She didn't want to lie to him after everything he had done for her, but she knew she had to. She promised Cragen she would be back to speak to him properly, something she didn't really intend on doing. She was seriously considering changing her number and going back home. Every time she thought about seeing Elliot her heart jumped into her throat. She couldn't face him. She couldn't fall apart again. She barely survived the heartache of losing him the last time. She couldn't see him and then lose him again. He was going to hate her. She was going to cry, and he was going to hate her. Olivia Benson wasn't the sort of woman to run away. She had more nerve than this, but he'd broken her. So many things had happened that pushed her toward the edge - she never thought it would be him that pushed her over it. She couldn't face him, she just couldn't .
**
Elliot sat at his desk. He was looking over his notes for the up and coming trial. He didn't care what he had to do. Michael Vickers was never going to get out of jail - not after what he did to those women, to him and Olivia. If it wasn't for Vickers, Olivia would still be with him and his family wouldn't be falling apart. He shuddered as he remembered finding Olivia after she'd been missing for hours after being grabbed by Vickers.
He walked toward the end of the corridor. He knew he should have waited for backup but he couldn't risk Olivia being alone with Vickers any longer for fear of what he would do to her. He saw a closed door and tried to pull it open. It was locked. He walked into a small room at the side. There was a large window in front of him and he saw her straight away. She was lying on the ground.
"Liv," he mumbled. He was about to move when he heard a voice.
"Hello Elliot."
He looked up as Vickers came into view, grabbing Olivia and pulling her up.
"Get out of here Elliot!" Olivia yelled, unable to see him.
"Shut up." Vickers wrapped his hand around her throat. "So nice of you to join us Elliot."
"If you've hurt her I swear-" he clenched his fist tightly, as he grasped his gun in the other hand.
"Come on Elliot, you don't think I'm going to listen to idle threats do you?" he smiled. "She's pretty. Isn't she pretty Elliot?" He ran his finger along her cheekbone.
She flinched. She'd been alone with him for hours while he went into great detail about what he had done to the young girls he had killed. She'd been scared of perps before, but never like this. Her stomach sank whenever he came into the room. She'd tried to pretend that she wasn't afraid of him, even after he'd hit her numerous times. She was terrified that he would attempt to assault her. As much as she was telling Elliot to leave she was terrified of being left alone with him again.
"Has he hurt you Liv?" Elliot asked, anger threatening to overwhelm him.
"I'm fine," she told him, her voice shaking slightly.
He could see the beginning of a bruise forming on her cheek. He looked towards the locked door.
"Elliot, get out of here, get out of here now," she told him.
Vickers angrily threw her to the floor. "He's not going to leave you here with me Olivia, come on." He smiled and reached for his belt.
Her eyes widened.
"I've just slapped her around a bit - thought I'd save the real show for you Elliot," he smiled.
"You son of a bitch. You don't touch her!" he shouted angrily, running towards the locked door pulling at it. He wouldn't let him hurt her, not like that. He pulled at the door to no avail. He ran back into the side room. Olivia had backed herself against the wall. "What do you want? What do you want!" he yelled desperately.
Vickers turned and looked directly at him, sending a chill down Elliot's spine. How could he see him through the mirrored glass?
"You don't want me to touch her Elliot? You don't want me to do this?" he grabbed her by the throat and forced his lips against hers.
She swung out at him, struggling to pull away.
He pulled away laughing, hearing Elliot banging on the locked door. He pulled out a knife from his pocket pulling Olivia with him to unlock the door. As Elliot burst in, Vickers put the knife up to Olivia's throat. Elliot trained his gun on Vickers.
"Put the gun down Elliot. Put the gun down or I'll slit her throat." He laughed.
Memories of Gitano shot through both Olivia and Elliot's minds as they both struggled to compose themselves. Olivia looked straight into her partner's eyes and he knew what she was telling him. She was telling him not to do it. Not to put down his gun.
He sighed as he slowly crouched down and put his gun on the floor.
Elliot was shaken from his memory by Cragen.
"Elliot, how are you getting on?" he asked.
Elliot nodded struggling to get rid of the lump in his throat, unsure if it was the memory of what happened or the memory of Olivia causing it.
"Great, they still haven't told us when they want you to take the stand, but I'll keep working on it."
"Captain, uh, did you get a hold of Olivia?" He'd been wanting to ask for months, but he wouldn't allow himself. He'd hoped someone would mention it and he wouldn't have to ask.
"Uh, we still don't know." Cragen sighed. He wasn't exactly lying. He'd been trying for days to get hold of Olivia after he'd seen her in his office. He'd been trying to call her but she had not answered.
He walked away leaving Elliot alone.
Maybe it was for the best. Elliot didn't think he could stand to see the look of hatred or disappointment on her face, but no matter how much he denied it he longed to be near her again.
**
Olivia pulled open the door, shocked to see Cragen.
"Sir, how did you find out where I was staying?" she asked, opening the door slightly to let him in.
"I'm a police officer Olivia. You haven't been answering your phone," he told her.
She bit her lip and nodded.
"I'm sorry, I just needed some time."
"Hey Liv, come to bed, you promised me a night of-" Tom stopped as he stepped out of the room and saw Cragen.
Olivia was bright red. She'd never been more embarrassed in her life.
"Hi, sorry – who..." he looked from Cragen to Olivia and back again.
"This is my Captain, my old..." she trailed off still unbelievably embarrassed.
"Watch it," Cragen smiled.
"Uh, Tom this is Don Cragen." Olivia told him.
Tom walked forward and shook the older man's hand.
"Good to finally meet you. I heard a lot about you," Tom smiled.
Cragen smiled.
"I uh, I'll leave you to it." He walked back into the bedroom, mortified that this would be his first meeting with one of the men who meant so much to the woman he loved.
"What have you decided?" he asked, sitting down with her on the sofa.
"I'll do it," she told him, knowing she'd never forgive herself if she didn't. She had thought about it. She could avoid Elliot. It would involve a lot of ducking and diving but she could do it. She had to.
Cragen sat with Olivia for the next half an hour and watched as she tried to convince him that she was happy. He watched as she stroked her stomach. Tom seemed like a nice man, and with a little more research he would feel more at ease. He forgot how comforting it was to have Olivia around. He had missed her greatly, something he didn't realise until she had returned. He didn't want her to go back.
"When are you due?" he asked.
She looked up at him.
"I'm 22 weeks, so May."
"Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't know if I want to or not..." she smiled, looking up at him. It felt so right to be speaking to him like this. "I don't want to know," she told him. She took a deep breath.
"It's scary huh?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Olivia," he took her hand in his. "You're going to be a wonderful mother," he told her.
No one had told her that yet and it felt amazing. She loved the little person inside her more than she would ever be able to describe.
**
Elliot was waiting in court. He was told to get there as soon as possible, only to be told that he would not be giving evidence. He was pissed off - beyond pissed off. He was nervous about facing Vickers - scared that the truth would come out, but he had to hold his own and face the bastard. He sighed as the A.D.A walked toward him.
"I'm sorry that you had a wasted trip. You and Detective Benson will be called back tomorrow," he told him.
Elliot's head shot up. His heart stopped beating and he couldn't breathe. There in front of him was Olivia. He could only see the back of her head but he knew it was her. "Oh god...breathe you idiot breathe," he told himself. He couldn't move. He couldn't face her. It hit him that he would never be able to face her again. He was too ashamed of himself for everything he had put her through, and too afraid he wouldn't get over her leaving again. He turned away and walked toward the toilets.
"Detective Stabler!" the young A.D.A called.
Had she heard right? Olivia's heart skipped a beat as she heard his name and turned to see him, just the back of him but she knew it was him. She had to get away, she couldn't face him. If he turned around and saw her she wouldn't be able to hold his gaze. She had to get out of there.
**
"You told me you didn't know where she was!" Elliot shouted at Fin as soon as he entered the 1-6.
Fin sighed and stood up. "You going to hit me again?" he asked, standing against Elliot. "Cause I'll hit you back this time," he threatened.
"What the hell is going on?" Cragen asked. Elliot turned to him.
"Did you know?" he asked angrily. "Did you know she was back?" he turned again to Fin.
"You saw Olivia?" he asked, shaking his head.
"So you knew. Why the hell didn't you tell me?" he asked.
"Careful son," Cragen warned.
Elliot sighed as he walked away. "You shouldn't have kept her from me," he spoke as he walked out.
**
She was still shaken from seeing him and had no idea if he'd seen her. She just hoped that he hadn't. She thought she was going to have a heart attack when she had seen him. The baby was kicking like never before - probably due to what was going on with its mother. She hadn't told Tom that she'd seen Elliot. She didn't want to worry him. He'd gone out to get some food for them. He was too good to her. She often told herself that.
She heard a soft knock on the door.
"You forget your keys?" she asked, pulling open the door. She'd never felt more numb in her life.
Standing before her was Elliot Stabler.
She saw the look of sheer terror on his face as she pulled open the door, only to be replaced by shock as he lowered his gaze to her stomach.
"You..." he couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe. He felt like he'd had the wind literally kicked out of him. She was still pregnant. She was pregnant, with his baby.
Olivia Benson was still carrying his child.
She hadn't moved since opening the door, as if she was glued in place.
He shook his head.
"You...you need to go," she whispered, still unable to move.
"Olivia..." he couldn't string a sentence together.
She finally shook herself out of her daze. She was about to push the door closed when Elliot snapped out of his daze too and put his hand on the door. "Please...I..." he stopped as he heard footsteps behind him.
"Liv?" Tom walked towards her, wondering what was going on. "Can I help you?"
"Tom..." Olivia looked from him to Elliot and back again.
Elliot pulled away from the door as Tom walked past him into the apartment.
"Who are you?" Elliot barely whispered.
Tom looked up at him. "I'm Tom... this is my girlfriend Olivia... I'm guessing you already know her. This is our baby," he said monotonously. He knew exactly who the man was. There was no way in hell he was worming his way back into Olivia's life. He could tell from the look on her face that she didn't want him there.
Elliot looked at Olivia but she wouldn't hold his gaze.
"You okay?" Tom asked, placing a protective hand on her stomach.
Olivia wanted to pull away from him. She didn't want Elliot to see, but she forced herself to stay where she was. She wanted to talk to Elliot - to explain things to him, but she couldn't. She couldn't say a word.
"I uh...I'm sorry," Elliot mumbled before walking away.
Tom turned to Olivia. He didn't even need to ask who the man was. "That was him," he told her.
She nodded, unable to speak.
Tom closed the door leaving Elliot alone in the corridor, hidden from view feeling like his heart was about to burst from his chest.
I know! I'm mean! Next part is ready now, get reviewing lol! Thank you again everyone and the next scene is simple Elliot and Olivia - no other characters x