All In Your Head – X
Rukia and Hinamori exchanged weary looks as they watched Matsumoto and Hisagi drink themselves into submission. It had been a long night in the way of patrolling, and everyone was tired. When they'd stopped outside a bar, after getting their Gigais, Matsumoto and Hisagi had been unable to resist the temptation to go in. Hinamori and Rukia, knowing they'd have to help their friends get home without getting killed, had followed, though in a weary way.
"Why do we put up with this?" Rukia muttered to Hinamori, who giggled.
"I guess because they're our friends and we respect them"
"I'd respect a comfortable bed right now," Rukia dropped her head into her hands, sighing. Hinamori's face crumpled into a look of concern
"Are you feeling okay?" Rukia lifted her head up at once and put on a smile.
"Yeah, of course, I feel fine," she assured the fifth squad vice-captain, "Absolutely fine, I've never been better actually. Just exhausted"
"Last night was a long night, wasn't it?" Hinamori asked, sipping at her soda (both she and Rukia looked too young to buy alcohol), "The last few nights have been that way, really-"
"Well, considering I spent the last three nights practically strapped down to my bed," Rukia grumbled, "I wouldn't know, would I?"
After the fight at the institution, Hinamori, Matsumoto, and Hisagi had flat-out refused to let Rukia leave her room until they were convinced she was one hundred percent better. They didn't need her collapsing in the middle of another fight, they'd said. It had driven Rukia up a wall, being confined to her small room in the back of Urahara's shop. But she hadn't had much of a choice in the matter. "It was for your own good," Hinamori interrupted Rukia's thoughts, "You could have made yourself really sick if we'd let you keep fighting, you know-"
"Yeah, yeah," Rukia gave Hinamori a good natured smile to let her know she was kidding, "Anyways, I-"
"You have no taste Hisagi!" Matsumoto cried suddenly, brandishing her empty glass.
"I have no taste?" Hisagi shot back, "Look at you, all dressed up in your...your flower prints! You shouldn't talk about me!"
"That's it!" Hinamori and Rukia declared at the same time, swiping Hisagi's and Matsumoto's glasses away from them, "You're done!"
Hisagi and Matsumoto exchanged looks, and both started laughing. "We're being cut off!" Matsumoto cooed, "And what's worse, we're being cut off by people younger than us!"
"Well someone has to take charge," Rukia grumbled, standing up, "Come on, we're going back-"
"You're not in charge, Kuchiki," Hisagi scoffed, "We wouldn't be dumb enough to put someone like you in charge-"
"And just what does that mean?" Rukia threatened, clenching her fists. Hinamori jumped up, ready to hold Rukia back.
"Kuchiki-san, don't forget...he's drunk..."
"Imean," Hisagi went on as if Hinamori hadn't spoken, "That we wouldn't want someone like you in charge, you're too much trouble!"
Rukia was dangerously close to losing her temper. "What do you meantoo much trouble?"
"I mean a person like you could never be in charge!" Hisagi looked ashamed at her stupidness, "Someone who involves herself in something for too long, let's her personal feelings get in the way, it's pathetic. And before you know it, you end up hurting everyone more than you help-"
Rukia snapped. She dove forward, intent on hitting every part of Hisagi she could lay her fists on. "Kuchiki-san, no!" Hinamori grabbed her and dragged her away, "Don't-"
Everyone in the bar was watching now. "Hey, hey!" the bartender called over the counter, "If you're going to be starting fights here I want you all out, got that?!"
Rukia pulled herself out of Hinamori's grip and stormed out, fuming. She was so busy being angry, she didn't even notice someone walking by as she walked out. She didn't notice, anyway, until she walked into said person. "Ow..." a voice muttered, "Sorry I...what the...Rukia-chan?"
Rukia rubbed the back of her head and looked around, only to find herself facing...Kurosaki Karin. "Karin-chan, I...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to walk into you," she scrambled up and reached out a hand to help Karin up. Karin took it hesitantly.
"What are you doing here?" she asked harshly. Rukia winced; she had to admit, she hadn't expected anything less, but it still hurt.
"I, well...I'm here on an assignment," she muttered lamely, not meeting Karin's eyes.
"And you're in a bar...why? You don't even look old enough to drink"
"I wasn't drinking, " Rukia muttered, "Two of my friends went in and, well...it's a long story, I'm sure you're not interested in it. I'd better go"
"Hang on!" Karin grabbed Rukia as she turned to walk away and pulled her back, "You've been gone for fifteen years, how about giving me more than fifteen seconds?"
Rukia made a face and looked back at Ichigo's younger sister. Karin looked determined. "It's...I mean...you don't need me around-"
"Leave it up to me to decide what I need," Karin scowled, "Have you at least gone to see Ichi-nii?"
"Orihime-san told me off for going to see him," Rukia informed Karin, "And even if she hadn't, I wouldn't go back after my last visit – it's painfully obvious he doesn't need me around"
"You're making a lot of decisions for people that aren't you, ya know," Karin said angrily, "How about letting people decide for themselves-"
"He doesn't need me," Rukia cut Karin off, suddenly upset, "I heard him, the night it happened and the last time I went to visit. He still blames me, and I don't blame him for it. It'll all be better if I just disappear from his life all together"
"You don't get to do that!" Karin yelled, "You don't get to make a mess then leave before you pick it up! Stick around and start cleaning a little instead of running away!"
Rukia resisted the urge to hit Karin; unlike Hisagi, who was dead drunk, Karin's mind was clear, and she was a tough little thing. "I didn't run away to avoid finishing what I started," she said in a barely controlled voice, "I did it because-"
"Because it was for the better, I know!" Karin raged, "You just don't get it, do you Rukia-chan? You don't get that it's not up to you and you alone to decide what's 'for the better'. You're taking all the responsibility of decision-making on yourself, and you don't take anyone else's opinion into consideration. How can you do that? How can you just decide that only you know what's best?"
Rukia bit her lip. She hadn't heard such a good point in a long time. Before she could come up with something to counter the point, though, the door to the bar opened, and Hinamori left, looking a little disgusted. "Oh," she froze when she saw Karin and Rukia glaring at each other. "Kuchiki-san, what's going on?" she looked over at Karin, "Who are you?"
"Kurosaki Karin," she said in a cold voice, "What's it to you?"
"Kurosaki?" Hinamori asked in surprise, "Is she related to-"
"Come on, Hinamori," Rukia cut her off, "Let's get out of here, if Matsumoto and Hisagi aren't coming-"
"Am I related to who?" Karin prompted, "Ichi-nii, right? Do you know him? Are you one of them?"
Rukia scowled heavily. "Yeah, she's a Shinigami," she informed Karin before grabbing a baffled Hinamori by the arm, "Come on"
"Um, nice to meet you!" the squad five vice-captain called over her shoulder to Karin as they turned a corner down another street, "Kuchiki-san, I'm confused. What's going on?"
"Don't ask Hinamori; I'm not really sure I know anymore"
"Ichi-nii?" Karin looked into her brother's room, and recieved a shock; Yuzu was already there. "Yuzu, what are you doing here?"
"Just visiting," Yuzu said quietly, "He's asleep though, so I'm just kind of sitting here. Orihime-san said he's on a lot of drugs right now, he was...rough, last night, tried to hurt someone"
"Ichi-nii hurt someone?" Karin said in a disbelieving voice.
"Almost," Yuzu corrected, "I wonder why-"
"Probably because of her," Karin muttered, drawing up a chair next to Yuzu and sitting down. The latter looked around, wide-eyed.
"Rukia-nee? She's...she's here?" Karin nodded grimly.
"I saw her today. She's, well...she hasn't changed much"
"What do you mean?"
"She's still stubborn, unagreeable, completely set in her own ways-"
"Maybe she isn't the only one that hasn't changed," Yuzu suggested, grinning slyly. Karin scowled.
"Yuzu, you didn't hear her," she informed her twin, "The way she was talking, she was making decisions for everyone, acting like she knew what was best-"
"Maybe it was best, in her mind," Yuzu said softly, "Maybe in her head, through all the grief and sadness and guilt, the decisions she made all those years ago really were the best, to her"
Karin made a face. She hadn't thought about it like that. But before she could say anything, a groaning noise drew her attention; Ichi-nii was waking up. Both Karin and Yuzu jumped up at once, ready to run for a nurse incase something went wrong. "Ichi-nii?" Yuzu said tentatively. His amber eyes opened slowly.
"Where...where..."
"He's on drugs, don't forget," Yuzu whispered, "He probably can't form a full sentence..."
"Where...she?"
"Rukia-nee," Yuzu muttered, "Ichi-nii, she's-"
"Forget about her," Karin cut in, "You should just-"
And that was when Karin realized he was strapped to the bed. He began thrashing around angrily, trying to break the restraints. "I'll go and get Orihime-san," Yuzu said at once, whirling around and running out. Karin watched her brother in a morbid fascination. And at that moment, she hated Kuchiki Rukia more than anything else in the world
"Ah...how much longer is she gonna give me the silent treatment, do you think?" Hisagi asked as Kuchiki-san stormed out of the room without so much as looking in his direction. Momo made a face
"Well, Hisagi-san, you said some pretty mean things-"
"Can a man be held responsible for what he says when he's drunk?" as if this was a reminder of said drunkness, he winced and raised a hand to his head. Matsumoto smirked and inched a cup closer to him.
"Sure-fire hangover cure, if only you weren't so stubborn-"
"Aw shut up," Hisagi muttered, grabbing the glass and downing the contents in one-shot. He began coughing instantly. "What the hell is in this, Matsumoto?!"
"It's a secret!"
Momo laughed as she watched them, but part of her still felt a voice nagging in the back of her head. Kuchiki-san was obviously upset, and it was over more than what Hisagi had said. But she just couldn't figure out what was going on.
"Momo-san, what's up?"
"I'm not really sure anymore, Matsumoto-san"
"I'm um...here to see Kurosaki Ichigo," Rukia had been to see Ichigo many times before. But never in her Gigai during the day. That was a new one. The nurse at the receptionist desk looked up in surprise. "Um...is there a problem?"
"Oh, no!" the nurse said at once, standing up, "It's just...I know all of Kurosaki-kun's visitors, and well...you're a new face. What's your name?"
"Kuchiki Rukia," Rukia muttered, not meeting the nurse's eyes.
"I see. I'm Tenkaya Mai. Nice to meet you," she walked around the desk, "Here, I'll bring you to Kurosaki-kun's room..."
Rukia followed along, knowing it would look suspicious if she said, "I know where it is"
"So how do you know Kurosaki-kun?" Tenkaya-san said as they walked down the hall to the elevator.
"School friend," Rukia said, "I moved about a year before he...you know"
"I see," Tenkaya-san nodded, "He's a pleasure to have around, really. On his good days anyway. On days like this he's kind of...well, not bad to have around, but he's difficult. We've actually had to restrain him"
Rukia frowned. "Restrain him?"
"Yeah, ever since that day..." Tenkaya-san frowned, "Ever since the day a, um...you're going to think I'm crazy for saying this, but a pink elephant in a tutu came crashing through the east wing - God, I sound like I belong in one of those beds..."
Rukia tried not to laugh. Matsumoto had given Orihime-san a memory modifier for everyone who saw the hollow attack. A pink elephant was a new one though. "But anyways!" Tenkaya-san moved on quickly, "Ever since that day, he's been so much more...I dunno, aggresive," she held out her left arm, and Rukia saw long scratches, "Yesterday I tried to give him his medicine, but he was...out of control. Kept yelling something about blood and hollows and...this is the weirdest thing, he always screams, no matter what, 'it's her fault, it's her fault'. I don't suppose you know who he might be talking about when he screams that, do you? No one else seems to"
Rukia shook her head, swallowing hard. "No. I don't know. I'm sorry"
"Ah well...oh look, we're here!" Rukia was surprised; she hadn't even noticed they were climbing stairs, "Sorry, elevator's under construction...anyways, I have to get back to the desk, he's the fifth door on the left. It was nice to meet you Kuchiki-san, bye!"
Rukia gave the eager nurse a wave before starting down the hall. She looked into Ichigo's room and saw, to her great surprise, Orihime-san, Karin-chan, and Yuzu-chan talking in low voices to each other; Ichigo was sleeping. Rukia tried to back out without being noticed, but...
"Kuchiki-san," Orihime looked around at her. Rukia froze. Yuzu and Karin looked around as well, and a smile spread over Yuzu's face.
"Rukia-nee!" Rukia couldn't help but smile a little at that.
"Hi, Yuzu-chan. Um, I don't wanna get in the way, I'd better go-"
"No, don't go," Yuzu said at once. She darted forward, grabbed Rukia's hand, and pulled her into the room. "He...He'd be happy. If he knew you were here"
"No, he wouldn't," Rukia said, "I shouldn't have come, I'm sorry-"
"Well now you can't leave," Yuzu pulled Rukia over next to Karin, who sent the Shinigami a death glare, but Rukia took no notice. She looked down at Ichigo, who was indeed strapped to his bed. He looked peaceful now, but Rukia could only imagine what was going through his mind even as he slept. And there was nothing she could do to help. She hated herself. She hated herself a lot.
"Kuchiki-san?" Orihime-san was watching Rukia weirdly, "Are you...okay?"
"No," Rukia muttered, clenching her fist, "No, I'm not. At all"
"Like you care," Karin muttered audibly. For some reason that set Rukia off completely. The feelings that she had held in for so long finally bubbled over, and she completely snapped right there.
"What do you know?" she shouted at Ichigo's little sister, "You don't know what the last fifteen years have been like for me, all you've seen is what's going on here! And I'll admit, you've had it rougher than I have, but you don't have to live with what I have. You don't have to listen to his voice in your head whenever you're alone, you don't have to revisit that night whenever you close your eyes, you don't have to live with the guilt every second of the day! Maybe you haven't realized it by now, Karin, but I care quite a bit. I care enough to come here practically everyday and spend hours sitting here, just watching him sleep, I care enough to know that I am the reason he's like this, and if you ever think otherwise, than I doubt there's anything more I can say to convince you, so why waste my breath?!"
And with that she whirled around and ran out, leaving Karin, Yuzu, and Orihime to exchange shocked looks.
Author's Note: I'm trying to remember...I think there's IchiRuki in the next chapter...but I don't remember...and it's kind of bugging me. Guess I'll go back and look. You know what you could do while I look? You could review. Reviews are a great motivation to make me update -Sam