We got such AWESOME love for the last chapter, we busted SERIOUS ass to get this out to you guys early!! My wifey is INCREDIBLE! Snugglesnugglelove. Being understanding and supportive pays off SO much you guys! We LOVE YOU and we hope you enjoy this chapter. Chap eleven is already in the works and there is some serious hilarious fuckery planned! I'm so excited! Bahahaha! Chapter our faster if anyone wants to write my art history midterm paper for me. *waggle waggle*

As always, Twilight's not ours.

And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!

Fucking. Cullen.

For the thousandth time in two hours, those two words rang through my head, making me flop in bed with frustration.

I mean, what the hell?

Yesterday had been confusing enough - what with the hot and cold bullshit Cullen had pulled at the warehouse. One minute we'd been laughing and playing and rolling around like a couple of complete jackasses, and the next, he just dropped me like a bad fucking habit. I didn't even get a fucking kiss. I had spent all night after that, swearing up and down to myself that I was done with his arrogant ass until I could figure out what the hell was going on. And on top of all that, it was pretty fucking obvious that shit had gotten too deep - and Bella Fucking Swan does not do deep. Ever. I had even gone so far as to ignore both of his phone calls this morning - which I was pretty fucking sure had never happened to him before, the cocky prick - and had caught a ride with the gang instead.

So imagine my surprise when Edward My-Cock-Is-Fucking-Golden Cullen sauntered right up to me in the middle of the school parking lot, acting like nothing had even happened. I swear to God I had been about two fucking seconds away from smacking that smirk right off his fucking face, and if it wasn't so goddamn sexy, I probably would have. Instead, I opted for the higher, more mature route of blatantly ignoring his ass.

And that was when shit got ree-goddamn-diculous.

All day long, Cullen was all over my shit, fucking grinning and charming and flirting like his life depended on it. Which was pretty close to true, considering the numerous torture tactics I had imagined using on him, just for shits and giggles. I refused to be swayed though, and continued to breeze past him all day long, shooting daggers at every porn star smile he had the nerve to send my way.

By lunch time, he was in full-on smooth-operator mode, passing out innuendos like they were candy in his "come hither" voice. And that shit annoyed the fuck out of me. I mean, now he decides to put the moves on me? That motherfucker could have had me bent over the biology table on my first day in this hellhole, and he decides to wait until I'm fucking pissed at him? Who does that?

Fucking. Cullen.

I had to admit, though, that by the end of the day, he looked pretty damn confused. And it was about fucking time, too - I was sick of being the one sitting in the goddamn dark. It was high time that Cullen got a taste of his own ridiculous shit. But still - there was this look in his eyes that just. . .sat wrong with me. Don't get me wrong - I was thrilled to see him all ass backwards for a change. But there was something else in the way he kept looking at me. . .something I couldn't quite place. And whatever it was, it haunted me all the way home, and stayed with me throughout the evening. Which really pissed me off, because how the hell was I supposed to enjoy my epic victory over Edward Sex-On-Legs Cullen and his infamous sidekick, The Smirk, with that shit bothering me?

I had just resorted to filing my nails in the middle of the night to distract myself from all my damn inner drama when I heard a knock at my window, and looked up to see the infuriating asshole himself, perched in my tree.

Who fucking does that?

I was so shocked that I just sat there for a second, staring at him like a total moron. I had no clue what had possessed him to go all Peter Fucking Pan on me and just show the hell up at my window, but for a moment, I couldn't decide whether I should feel flattered, or really fucking pissed.

And then I decided that I was really fucking pissed.

In all honesty, I was pretty much ready to elbow drop his ass right out of my tree as I approached my window. I sort of hoped that he wouldn't die on impact either, so that I could watch him writhe in pain for a good few minutes. But something about the way he was looking at me, bleeding hands and all, pulled on that dangerous, ridiculous part of my chest again, and for some fucking reason, I let him in. Of course, I regretted that decision about a second later when he was standing there, in the middle of my room, spouting some retarded shit about dopperfuckers and coloring books. I was about to ask him to share whatever the fuck he was high on when he opened that goddamn mouth of his, and inadvertently endangered his own fucking life.

"Quit being pissed off. It's fucking with me."

You know all that shit you see in the movies and read about in books about seeing red and getting tunnel vision and all that? Yeah. That shit definitely happens.

I was fucking livid. Actually, fucking livid didn't even begin to describe it. I mean, I was fucking with him?

Oh, hell the fuck no.

So I decided there was only one thing I could do - knock the everliving shit out of the bastard, gorgeous face or no. In the back of my mind, I was pretty sure that it was morally wrong to fuck up such a perfect face, but I really couldn't bring myself to care as I curled my fingers into a fist and cocked that shit back.

And I would have done it, too, if the earth hadn't turned on its axis and the ground hadn't shifted and the stars hadn't aligned in whatever order they're supposed to be in for freaky fucking shit to happen.

"I'm sorry," he blurted, out of fucking nowhere.

I couldn't even move. I mean - well, damn straight he was sorry. He should be sorry. It was just that. . .guys like Cullen don't say shit like sorry. Like. . .ever. So, because I'm a damn genius, I asked him, "What did you just say?" You know - just to make sure.

"I said, I'm sorry."

And there it was again. I sort of felt like we had just fallen into some parallel dimension as I continued to stare at him, fucking dumbfounded. And then I noticed the way his hands were up, all defensive and shit, while my arm was still drawn back, mid-fucking-swing. If I wasn't so stunned, I probably would have laughed. But I was still reeling a little bit as I dropped my arm, turning his impossible words over in my mind.

I'm sorry. Well. . .yeah. Yeah. Damn straight.

"Yeah, you really are," I grinned, and he finally dropped his hands, looking absolutely relieved, which amused me to no end.

Fucking. Cullen.

It was amazing how easily we slipped back into our groove as we bantered back and forth for a few minutes, passing insults back and forth while we grinned at each other like fools. It just was so. . .normal. Almost like the drama had never even happened. In addition to that, he just looked so happy that he was almost fucking glowing - which should have been gay as hell, but with him, it was. . .sexy. And then of course, I realized that Cullen was standing in my room, in the middle of the night, looking all happy and sexy. I was just about to take advantage of the situation when he seemed to realize the same thing, and started backing towards the window. I was mildly irritated that, after the way he had just shown up at my window to make peace, he was still playing his fucking game. But I didn't let it bother me too much, because I sure as hell wasn't giving up either.

He left then, and I watched from my window as he seemed to glide through the darkness and to his car, the moon doing things to his hair that should be illegal. When I couldn't see him anymore, I turned around and headed back to bed. On the way, I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, and I rolled my eyes at the goofy fucking smile on my face. Still, the fact that Cullen had come to my window like a regular fucking Romeo was pretty hot, all things considered, so I wasn't too harsh on myself. I mean, who seriously does shit like that?

Fucking. Cullen. That's who.

But as I tossed and turned, trying to go to sleep, I grew agitated all over again. I was such a sucker. It had barely been twenty-four hours since he had dumped my ass like trash for a phone call, and the minute he scales a fucking tree, I'm grinning like a dumbass again. I sighed ruefully and continued to flop in bed, still a little stunned and a whole lot annoyed. My only solace was that Cullen had offered me rides to and from school - which was a major misstep on his part. Because that meant that I would be alone with him, in his car, two times a day, five times a week. The possibilities were endless, considering how close I had come to breaking down his stupid walls the last time we were alone together. Plus, my day with Alice was already set for this Saturday, when - come hell or high water - I was going to try my damnedest to get to the bottom of Cullen's look-but-don't-touch bullshit.

The small comforts soothed me enough that I managed to relax slightly, and I finally fell asleep, still thinking about Fucking. Cullen.

***

I was still a little pissy as I got ready for school the next morning, but that was probably due to the three hours of sleep I had gotten the night before. So to make up for it, I went all out - donning a white shirt with a sexy black vest that threatened to make my tits burst right through it. Some super tight jeans and my Choos completed the ensemble, and I couldn't wipe the smirk off my face as I teased my hair, strategically placing a few strands over one of my eyes to give myself that perfect, just-fuck-me-already look. I blew myself a kiss and wished myself luck before rolling my eyes - it would probably take nothing less than a 2x4 to the head for Cullen to get the point.

Still, I thought, no harm in trying.

Before heading downstairs, I turned to my dresser and began gathering my cosmetics, staring absentmindedly out my window. After a few moments, my wandering eyes landed on my truck, which was completely dead and rusting in the driveway. I smirked devilishly at it, remembering what a stroke of genius it had been to debilitate the piece of shit, thereby earning myself a plethora of free rides from Cullen and his stupid volvo. I stared at it for a beat longer, considering how such an eyesore could end up having such fantastic uses, when a downright wicked plan sparked in my mind, causing me to laugh out loud before gathering my purse and practically skipping downstairs.

A few minutes and a lame conversation with Charlie later, I heard the purr of the volvo out front, and I walked out the door and sauntered right up to him, confidence plastered all over my sexy ass. As always, I watched Edward's eyes widen for a split second before he turned from me, then kept his eyes glued to the road the whole way to school.

Bella: 1. Cullen: Hard.

Lunch was the same as always, with Emmett and Rose drooling all over each other, and Alice vibrating in her seat over our plans for Saturday. Of course Edward - ever the observant fucker - had shot her a wary look when she had first mentioned it, but she just grinned back, shrugging her shoulders slightly. This seemed to placate him, and I could barely contain my amusement as he turned his attention back to his lunch. He was clearly underestimating me. But a false sense of security would be crucial for Saturday, so I continued to chat animatedly with Alice about our impending "girl time" while smiling sweetly at Edward every time he glanced my way.

Motherfucking check.

Once school had finally ended and we were all assembled in the parking lot, I decided it was time to put this morning's plan into action. After all - there was no sense in waiting around for Saturday, and wasting the four days in between. And I may not have spent my youth watching fucking Transformers cartoons, but I sure as hell saw the movie, and I was pretty fucking sure that Cullen would appreciate a replay of one of my favorite scenes, Camaro or no.

I turned my attentions to Jasper, then appreciatively eyed him for a minute, wondering how in the hell he got away with wearing half the shit he did. Okay, more than half. Anyone else who tried that shit would be labeled as a freak. But somehow, Jasper just looked even cooler. What the fuck was that about? He was wearing a frilly swashbuckling shirt like a fucking pirate, for crying out loud! As always, a wide grin spread across my face at the very sight of that goofy, slick motherfucker, and I tried earnestly to contain my giggles as I addressed him.

"Hey, Jas?" I asked, sweet as fucking pie as he passed me the ever-present flask. "Do you think you could come over tomorrow and take a look at my truck?"

Jasper grinned his goofy fucking grin and nodded, even going so far as to peer out at me from underneath his lifted eye patch and wink.

"Course, darlin'," he drawled in that endearing southern accent, "I'll take a look under yer top anytime."

He waggled his eyebrows like a fucking cartoon character, and made an obscene gesture with this sword. Of course he had a sword. Why the fuck wouldn't he have a sword? Because dressing like a fucking pirate without one would be just silly, right?

I beamed at him while Alice laughed at his lame attempts at perversion and clapped her hands, going off about what a doll he was. I barely managed to suppress my eye roll, then turned my head slightly, peering at Edward out of the corner of my eye.

Yep.

Just as I had predicted, he was leaning against his car with his arms crossed, fucking pouting like a two-year-old.

"Thanks a lot," I turned back to Jasper, "I know it will be inconvenient and everything for you to have to come out to my house, but I really need someone to look at it. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to that shit. . ."

"Well, I have to drop you off tomorrow anyway, you fucking vehicular invalid," Edward immediately cut in, and I had to bite my tongue to hide my wicked smirk. "Why don't I just look at the damned truck then?" he offered, trying pretty fucking hard not to whine.

So predictable.

I turned to face him then, looking as innocently surprised as possible. "Would you? Oh, that would be really great. . ." I trailed off for a minute before putting the icing right on the fucking cake.

"I didn't know you knew anything about cars?"

I could practically see his ego bursting out his ears as his green eyes flashed at me. "What the fuck kind of insult is that, Swan? Of course I do. I'll fix that shit up for you tomorrow."

And just like that, the deal was sealed. I turned back to Jasper and Alice, ready to relieve him of his mechanic duties, but they were already connected at the tonsils, so I figured it really wasn't necessary. They probably didn't even remember I existed by this point, much less needed help with my ancient truck. So with a wide smile, I nodded at Edward, and we climbed into his car and headed home.

I fiddled with his CD's on the way home, making fun of his taste in music while he smirked and tried to school me on all that is Sinatra. I was actually a big fan, but I decided that Cullen didn't need to know that, and we kept up our banter until he pulled into my driveway.

"Thanks, Cullen," I told him as I leaned over the console to give him a faux-thankful kiss on the cheek. As I did, I made sure my chest brushed against his arm, and I took great pleasure in the way his body froze as I murmured in his ear, "See you tomorrow, douchebag." With one last grin to let him know I was teasing, I hopped out of the car and into the house, smirking and shaking my ass the entire way.

***

When Cullen and I pulled up to my house the next afternoon, everything was ready.

I hopped out of the car immediately, then asked him to wait outside while I changed my clothes, citing fear of oil stains before heading up to my room. I smirked all the way up the stairs, then changed quickly out of my school clothes and into the outfit I had set out early this morning.

Before heading downstairs, I paused in front of the mirror to grin deviously at my ensemble. My jeans were tight as hell, and had strategically placed rips across the knees, on my thighs, and beneath one of my back pockets. My shirt was a simple, white wife beater, which I had tied behind my back, leaving my milky stomach exposed. It was the perfect, gloriously grungy look, and I could barely contain my excitement as I tossed my hair and shimmied my way out of the house and down the driveway, where Cullen was waiting for me. I smiled as soon as I saw him, leaning against my truck with his arms crossed over his chest, staring complacently into space. As I grew closer, the sound of my footsteps against the concrete seemed to break him out of his daze, and he turned to me immediately, then froze in place.

I smiled innocently, watching with delight as his eyes swept up, down, then back up my body before landing square on my tits, attempting to burn a hole straight through my shirt. I chuckled softly to myself and had to resist the urge to flash him as I passed, rounding purposely toward the hood of my truck before turning to him.

"I don't really know what happened," I told him as I lifted the hood. "I was thinking it had to do with something right here. . ."

As I spoke, I propped the hood up, then leaned over the engine, giving him a fantastic view of my ass as I pointed to some random shit in the back. Of course, Cullen's eyes remained firmly glued to my bent over frame as I spoke, and I had to bite my lip to try and hide my amusement.

Thank you, Transformers, and you too, Michael Bay. I don't care if Cullen thinks you screwed up the yellow car, because bending Megan Fox over a Camaro was fucking genius.

"What do you think?" I asked pointedly after a few minutes, and Cullen shifted his eyes back to my face, obviously lost on anything I had just said.

"It looks good," he shrugged, then added "your spark plugs, I mean. Let me look beneath the belt."

Giggles threatened to escape me as he winced at his wording, then turned deliberately towards the engine for the first time.

As he poked and prodded at the miscellaneous shit in there, I stayed close beside him, humming and sighing as I pretended to be interested in his work. Of course I wasn't - I knew exactly what was wrong with that piece of shit. But Cullen sure as hell didn't need to know about my automotive assault a few days before.

As he worked, I continued to move closer to him, until my hips were touching his and our arms were stretched out side-by-side.

"What about this?" I asked as my hand grazed over his, and I watched as his jaw clenched for a moment.

"Don't touch that Bella," he said without looking at me. I let out a fake sigh as I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"You never let me play with any of the fun stuff."

"That's the battery, Bella," he said without looking at me. "And it's fucking fine."

"I don't know anything about this shit," I huffed, "Why don't I just let you look while I grab you a beer?"

Edward grinned and looked at me, then immediately snapped his eyes back to the engine, nodding instead. I nodded back and sashayed away again, grinning as I felt his eyes on my ass the entire way.

As I opened the fridge and plucked out a beer, I leaned against the counter for a moment, contemplating everything I had just learned. Of course, I had set this whole thing up to fuck with Cullen, but beyond that, it was also for research purposes. Just like I had guessed, Cullen had been unable to keep his eyes off of me. No surprise there. But what was interesting was the way he forced himself to look away every time, as if he was afraid he was going to get caught. What the hell was up with that? No one was anywhere fucking near us. I supposed that my being the Chief's daughter might make some guys a little jumpy, especially in a tiny town like this. But I just didn't think that was it - I mean, Edward Jack-By-The-Flask Cullen didn't exactly strike me as the type of guy to be afraid of a little thing like the law.

After a few minutes of consideration, I gave up trying to figure that shit out, and decided to take the clue for what it was: proof that Cullen's game had another player - whose identity was still unknown to me.

I filed that shit away and headed outside, smiling again as I walked up to Edward's side.

"Here, Cullen," I interrupted his engine groping, grinning coyly as I held the beer in front me. He ducked from underneath the hood and looked at me, keeping his eyes glued to mine, purposely avoiding anything below my neck. I smiled sweetly and held his gaze as I lifted the beer to my chest, then slipped my hand under my shirt and used the material to unscrew the cap, exposing some low tit cleavage in the process.

To his credit, he put up a valiant fight - but in the end, his hormones seemed to win out as he dropped his gaze to my chest and his awaiting beer. He stared for a few seconds, and I smirked widely as I handed it over, extremely fucking satisfied. I had to bite back a snicker as I watched him literally tear his eyes away from my chest to gulp down the beer like it was the fucking fountain of youth, then bent myself over the hood again, looking at him from over my shoulder.

"So what's the deal, Cullen?" I asked as I smirked sideways at him, hoping he'd pick up on the fact that I wasn't just talking about my truck.

He glanced back at me, then my ass, then back at me again before answering.

"Your truck is fucked. Some wires are split clean the fuck through, and that shit isn't good." He grinned before adding, "It would cost more to fix the shit than you could sell this fucking hellbeast for, anyway. You should probably think about making a sound financial investment. You know. Like one that doesn't remember what primordial ooze looks like."

I let my jaw hang open in mock outrage, then stood and shoved him playfully.

"Fuck you, Cullen. This "beast" is a classic. Much better than some wimpy fucking volvo," I smirked, stroking my hand lightly against my truck's front fender. Cullen rolled his eyes and flashed me a wry smile - he knew I hated the piece of shit - but I ignored it as I plopped down on the bumper, letting my head fall back in false frustration, which pushed my rack out slightly. I didn't have to see him to know he was staring right at them, and I took a deep breath, popping my tits out further before exhaling slowly.

"Oh well, I'm sure Alice will be happy to drive us on Saturday," I sighed, keeping my eyes closed and my head back.

"Yeah," he paused, collecting himself, and I bit my lip to keep from laughing, "Well … why the fuck are you going, anyway? You went to PA last weekend. What in the blue hell could you possibly need to shop for now? Stop feeding the addiction, Swan, or I'll stage a fucking intervention."

I laughed lightly at his confused tone, making the girls bounce before I answered him."I'm a girl, Cullen. It's an illness we all share. Haven't you noticed? I could shop all day, every day," I smirked. "But thanks anyway, Dr. Phil, because that's not what we'll be doing."

"Oh?" he asked, frustration apparent in his voice, and I grinned before picking my head back up and looking straight at him. "Supplying some other addiction, are we? Listen, I'll be here, so you might wanna stick around to get your daily dose of Cullen," he teased arrogantly, flexing his chest with bravado.

I successfully stifled the laugh and accompanying grin at this self-centeredness. Did it ever fucking end? "The fuck do you care, anyway?" I asked as I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"I don't, Little Miss Narcissus," he cut in quickly, and I grinned as he rolled his eyes. "I meant, childhood rapist, and don't think I forgot about that, that Alice is fucking insane behind the wheel. She drives like shit. Worse than shit. She drives like you," he grinned before continuing, "If you wanted me to, I could give you a ride. It's not like I don't chaffeur your pedestrian ass all over the place, anyway," he teased. "Besides, if you die a grisly death and get scraped off the freeway, who's gonna protect the goods from the scourge of Ihop whores everywhere? Me? Fucking puh-shaw."

Aww. His offer was almost sweet, and a genuine smile flashed across my face before I carefully concealed it with my signature, saucy smirk.

"Thanks, peach," I simpered as I rose, then patted his cheek gently, "but Saturday is just the girls. Unless of course, you want your hair braided. I bet I could get some ribbons in there and everything," I snickered as I lifted my hand to his hair. He immediately ducked away from me, and I laughed at the scowl he shot me.

"Well," I sighed as I stepped back from him, "I should probably get inside. The Chief will be home soon." I watched him carefully for any signs of nervousness, but there were none as he shrugged at me and closed the truck's hood.

"See ya tomorrow morning?" I asked, and he nodded as he wiped his hands on his jeans.

"Thanks again for your services," I winked, and he smirked at me before turning and sauntering nonchalantly down the driveway, hands in his pockets. I waved to him as he raced down the street, then shook my head to myself before heading inside.

Well, I reasoned with myself, at least I know that the scary Chief of Forks had nothing to do with it.

I snorted and rolled my eyes, then hiked up to my room. All in all, the afternoon had been a complete success. Not only was I pretty fucking sure that some poor, innocent bottle of lotion out there was about to be defiled after the views I'd handed Cullen all afternoon, but I was now equally sure that there was an additional factor behind his cockblocking quest. He was definitely acting as though he didn't want someone to know he was attracted to me. But which someone? Or was it more than one? There was just no way to know. . .yet.

Saturday couldn't come fast enough.

***

Thursday and Friday went by the same way they always do with everyone going about their business as they always did. Emmett and Rose were horny - because although they were both interesting people, together they were mid-coitus magnets. Seriously, it's like once they got within eyeshot of each other, their brains stopped processing rational thought. Alice and Jasper put out excessive amounts of PDA, all while Jasper swashed and buckled and paraded around his ridiculousness. It's like it increased exponentially every fucking day. I was sure he was almost normal when I got here. Strike that. He had looked almost normal. But if there were two words that never had any fucking business near each other, they were "Jasper" and "normal". And while all of this was going on, Cullen kept playing the game. The only difference was the WAY he played it.

Ever since his Monday night excursion up my tree, Cullen had loosened up a bit. He no longer avoided me - if anything, he seemed to actually enjoy my presence. He no longer ignored me in biology, and would actually clear the space next to him, so that he could spend the hour teaching me to roll cigarettes beneath our desk, occasionally flicking tobacco into some random bitch's hair. And that shit was funny, too. He sat next to me at the lunch table now as well, without appearing to even think about it, and we'd spend the time snickering and laughing some more - usually at Jessica Stanley's pathetic attempts to straighten her cranial brillo pad. Which, by the way, made that shit look even more disastrous, if that were even fucking possible.

What really surprised me was how much I was beginning to enjoy our rides to and from school. Apparently, leather seats contain a substance that suck the bullshit right out of cocky bastards, because those short car rides were quickly turning into the highlights of my day. We were always laughing and teasing each other on the way to school; and on the way home, we'd snicker some more about whatever lame shit had happened during the day. It was as if all that shiny, silver tint blocked the world out, allowing us to cut the bullshit for a minute and just. . .be.

Once the bell finally rang on Friday afternoon, I was feeling exceptionally fucking perky. Chalking it up to the school week being over, I whipped out my iPod, shoved one earbud in my ear, and walked as swiftly as possible towards the shiny fucking Volvo that I knew would be awaiting me. I couldn't help bobbing my head slightly as Rihanna started blaring through my earpiece, and my grin was ridiculously wide as I began singing along to myself.

"It's getting late, I'm makin my way over to my favorite place. . ."

I put an extra bit of bounce in my step as I approached the car, still singing softly as I approached the Volvo and opened the door.

"Please don't stop the music. . ." I lilted loudly as I ducked into the car and turned to smile at Cullen, who was waiting for me in the driver's seat.

At that moment, Edward jerked his head so fast towards me that I jumped back, and almost bailed out of the fucking car altogether.

His eyes were wide and his nostrils flared as he narrowed his eyes and demanded seriously, "What music?"

I blinked in disbelief at his sever expression before answering indignantly, "Uh, Rihanna, asshole. What the hell do you think?"

He continued to stare seriously for a minute, until I pointed meaningfully to my iPod, staring back at him like he had webbed feet and two dicks.

I watched as the muscles in his shoulders relaxed slightly before he seemed to come back to himself. A second later he flippantly replied, "That shit's gay," before throwing the Volvo into reverse and peeling out of the parking lot.

I sat there for a few moments, staring at his face, utterly fucking stunned. What the fuck was that about?

"What's up your ass, Cullen?" I demanded, shooting him a scathing glare.

"Nothing, Swan," he shot back without turning towards me. "I just thought. . .I didn't know what the fuck you had said is all. You sing like shit."

I snorted and rolled my eyes, then relaxed into the seat before adding, "A fetish for Transformers and a fear of pop music? I swear to God, Cullen, you're a fucking disaster."

"At least I don't run around singing like I'm stuck in a goddamn musical. That shit's just disturbing," he quipped, then began screeching at the top of his lungs, mimicking me like a fucking asshole, effeminate dance moves and all, as I giggled and pretended to be insulted. The rest of the ride went smoothly, and once we reached my house, I had long since forgotten his bizarre reaction. After another quick kiss, I hopped out, and waved at him as he sped down the street, half-sad that I wouldn't see him the next morning, but extremely ready to start what I was sure would be my weekend of goddamn reckoning.

Which brought me to Saturday morning. Finally.

I heard Alice's Porsche roll up at about quarter to ten, and I smiled to myself as I applied a last layer of lipgloss before hauling ass out the door. I was actually ridiculously excited for our day to begin - mostly so that I could finally pump Alice for information, but also because I genuinely liked her. She was a goddamn handful, but that actually made very little effort required on my part, which was just fucking fine with me. So, with a brilliant smile, I headed out the front door and strolled up to her car.

"Hey baby," I teased, "I'll flash you my tits for a ride."

Alice giggled before responding, "Thanks but no thanks, Yayas von Tatas. Now get in the car! Let's go!"

I rolled my eyes as the vibrating started, but hopped in anyway, just as anxious to get this bitch started as she was. She peeled out immediately, and I blasted the music as we shot onto the freeway towards Port Angeles. Alice talked the whole time about anything and everything - although she usually ended up circling right back to her and Jasper. It was almost cute how much she loved that drunk fucker - in a disgusting, vomit-inducing sort of way. Of course, once she started talking about their after-hour antics, I cut that shit off, pleading a major case of TMI before channeling the entire conversation down a different avenue.

"So, Cullen came and looked at my truck on Wednesday. It's shot to hell."

"Aww that's too bad," she thought for a moment, "You know, Rose loves cars. I bet she could help you pick out a new one. The other day, she was talking to me about those Audi A6s -"

"Actually," I interrupted with the quickness, "it seems a new car isn't necessary. Cullen offered to give me rides, and I'm pretty sure that offer extends to the end of the year."

I watched her carefully to gauge her reaction, and was awarded with a quick flash of her eyes and a twitch of her lips.

"Well, that was sweet of him," she offered thoughtfully. She smirked to herself before adding, "He's really a sweet guy. One time, in 8th grade, I. . ."

Yeah, I was sure he was a regular fucking gumdrop.

I let her ramble off as she steered the conversation deliberately back to Jasper while I turned her reaction over again and again in my mind. It wasn't exactly unusual for girls to be interested in each others' lives and whatnot, but I was pretty damn sure that the amusement in her eyes was not normal. Could Alice have something to do with whatever it was that kept Cullen's cock under lock and key?

Possibly, I figured. But there was no telling just yet.

A while and an insane amount of hilarious Drunksper stories later, I saw the turn-off to Port Angeles, and grinned widely.

"Hey, Alice?" I cut off her lovesick chattering, "You'll need to make a left up here."

Her brows furrowed for a second before she replied, "But the hair salon is to the right. I thought we could get our hair done - I was thinking about adding some pink streaks -"

"Honey," I soothed, "I'm sure that would look fanfuckingtastic. But I'm in serious need of a drink. What do you say? A few margaritas to toast our Girls Day?"

That got her. She bounced in her seat and floored it immediately, forcing the Porsche to squeal in protest around the corner before we were flying down the street. I signaled her to stop about midway down, and she did so immediately, pulling up against the curb and yanking the keys out of the ignition.

"Oh my God! I love margaritas! Strawberry is my favorite, what's yours? Oooh I think I'll get mine on the rocks - no wait, you know what? I think I'll just -" she paused for a moment as a look of confusion crossed her face, then she turned to me indignantly.

"Bella!" she scolded, "We're not 21! We can't even get into the bar! Oh my God I can't believe you even forgot that -"

I held up a hand, silencing her rambling as I smirked at her.

"I know that, Alice. However, there's one, very important factor that you are completely overlooking."

She crossed her arms across her chest and quirked an eyebrow questioningly as I continued.

"On your average Friday night, I would say that you are exactly fucking right. However, the time is now 11:00 in the morning, on a Saturday. The bar just opened, and that guy," I nodded meaningfully towards the entrance where a lanky, pimply-faced shithead was standing at the door, looking bored, "is the bouncer."

Alice's face lit up as she looked at him. He could barely pass for 21, and what he was doing as a bouncer, only God fucking knew. Wearing matching grins, we both stepped out of the yellow Porsche, tossing our hair dramatically before starting toward the bar. It took a few minutes, but the second the bouncer became aware of our impending presence, his head shot up as his eyes widened with disbelief.

Yep. Bella Fucking Swan, bitch. Oh, and meet Alice.

Donning our best flirty smiles and bedroom eyes, we winked at him as we passed, then had to bite our lips as we entered the bar, trying to supress our amused giggles. The poor guy's jaw stayed pretty fucking close to the ground as we passed, and we both shot him a cheeky, one-finger wave before sitting.

"Two strawberry margaritas, please," I nodded to the bartender as we sat, scoping the view. The place was pretty dead, which was fucking perfect. Nothing encouraged over-drinking like a little bit of privacy.

"I'd hate to be that guys jean's right now," Alice giggled as she jerked her head towards the bouncer, who was currently wiping the drool off his chin.

"I know, right?" I snickered back before adding, "Houston, we have a problem. We are not clear for liftoff."

We snickered for a second as our margaritas arrived and Alice began chattering away about Jasper again. I continued to appease her by listening to her ramblings about all that is Jasper on Jack as we slurped down our margaritas and ordered another round. I kind of knew it was wrong - lighting Alice up for informational purposes and all. But I really fucking had to know what was going on, and I had passed the point of giving a shit about four days ago.

On the plus side, I learned that my favorite alcoholic had a penchant for vlogging, which created an entirely new plethora of hilarious possibilities, because given Jasper's flare for the dramatic and philosophical profundity on a daily basis – given a camera, he could be a force of nature. I was willing to bet he had an entire cult of worshippers devoted to him somewhere on the interweb – Drunksper inspired such devotion, God knew why. Also, he really fucking liked pickles.

Who fucking knew?

A dozen margaritas later, Alice was giggling maniacally while she asked the bartender if it was, in fact, fun to be a bartender. Never one to miss an opportunity, I made my move as soon as the poor guy extracted himself from Alice's chattering grasp, barely managing to escape with a promise to return with our next round.

"So, Alice," I started, and she turned to me with a smile a mile wide, "What the fuck's up with Cullen? I've seen ice cubes less frigid than he is."

I watched as her face froze, and I could practically see the lock turn in her lips as she replied, "I don't know what you mean."

I waited for a few moments, but to my utter fucking surprise, she said nothing.

"I just mean that, for the resident stud or whatnot, he does a damn good job of keeping that shit on lockdown," I pressed, fucking astounded by her sudden silence.

"Well, Edward is. . .like that," she finished lamely before busying herself by gulping down the rest of her margarita.

No. Fucking. Way.

I watched, fucking stunned, as she chugged the rest of her drink, put it on the counter, and remained stoically silent, examining her nails like they were the most interesting fucking things she'd ever seen.

Was she serious? I'd seen crackheads talk less than this chick - and now she decided to clam the fuck up?

I blinked a few times at her, then turned back to my own drink, chugging it with the quickness and fighting my goddamn rage at Alice's refusal to tell me shit. Drinks or not, she had caught on to me, and had made it pretty fucking clear that she wasn't telling.

Godfuckingdamnit.

After a few minutes, I managed to calm my ass down, reminding myself that I had at least come up with yet another piece to the bullshit puzzle.

Alice knew what the fuck was up. The fact that she refused to indulge me was actually pretty intriguing, if you looked at it in the right light. Alice, I had learned, was nothing if not fiercely loyal, which led me to assume that this shit was not hers to tell. Which of course, made me wonder just how the fuck many other people were behind the scenes on this bullshit.

Fuck.

I let out a sigh as I shook my head ruefully. I could hardly be mad at Alice – it would be pretty fucked up of me to start a fight over something that I was pretty sure she couldn't help. So I turned back to her then, smiling easily as I asked, "I guess you're pretty much used to it by now, huh? You've known him for years, after all. Who knew Cullen had such fickle tendencies?"

Alice grinned the most relieved, fucking happy grin I've ever seen before answering, immediately cutting in to some ridiculous story that was really fucking unnecessary. But her giddy rambling killed the tension, so I leaned back in my seat and let her continue as I cut the tab and grabbed her keys from her purse. After all – there was no fucking way I was letting the little smidget drive. In my quest for information, I'd made sure to imbibe less copiously than Alice.

And let's be real for a moment – she drove like a bat out of hell normally. There was no way I was letting her toasted pixie ass behind the wheel.

So with another sly smirk at the bouncer and his salting jeans, we sashayed out of the bar and jumped into the car.

"Where to?" I asked as I shifted gears and pulled out smoothly, heading towards the freeway.

"Edward's," she sighed dreamily, and I turned to cock a questioning eyebrow at her.

"Cullen's?" I asked.

"Yeah," she breathed, "Jazz said he was going there today. Something about Edward's third-story bedroom and aerodynamics."

I snorted but nodded as I merged, then kicked on some music as we sailed down the freeway. Conversation was light and easy on the way home, and before I knew it, we were pulling up to Cullen's driveway. I cut the engine and turned to her, my arm outstretched to relinquish her keys, but she was nowhere to be found. I gawked out the windshield as a black, spikey flash whizzed up the driveway, heading straight towards the front door. As if he had some super, spidey senses, the door suddenly flung open, and there stood Jasper - in red underpants, yellow galoshes, donning a fucking Superman cape and clutching the largest umbrella I had ever seen - with his arms sprawled wide. A second later, the whir of black and Superman collided, and they disappeared in a tangle of limbs into Cullen's foyer.

I giggled and rolled my eyes as I stepped out of the car, then pocketed her keys, shrugging to myself.

Looks like she won't be needing these anytime soon.

I grinned as I strolled into the house, turning a blind eye to the mass of red, yellow and black that was rolling around on the sofa, and trekked up the stairs, heading straight to Edward's room. But when I opened the door, I stopped at the threshold, gazing questioningly at Edward - who was bent over with a dustpan and broom on hand, sweeping up various pieces of what looked like plastic and drywall. I snorted in disbelief, and he immediately straightened, meeting my curious gaze with an amused one of his own.

"Jasper was flying again. Don't ask."

A burst of giggles escaped me as I nodded my head, then stepped into his room and sat down on his couch. I kept grinning as Edward discarded the remnants of Jasper's most recent escapade, waiting patiently for him to finish. Once he was done, he heaved a deep, amused sigh, then turned back to me.

"How was Port Angeles?" he asked disinterestedly as he moved about the room, uprighting various overturned pictures and books.

"It was fine," I shrugged. "And I decided that strawberry margaritas are worth their weight in Tequila, once you get a few deep," I grinned, making Cullen cock an interested eyebrow.

"Although I do find jailbait simply delectable, I find that it leaves me wondering how the fuck you managed to come to that conclusion today," he grinned, and I rolled my eyes before answering.

"With these," I smirked as I shimmied my tits his way. He watched for a beat longer than necessary, then looked away, rolling his eyes in the process.

"Well then, what are your plans for the rest of this fine evening, you juvenile delinquent?"

I snickered before replying. "Seeing how it is a Saturday night, I'm trying to get my drink on - but I'm due back at Charlie's pretty fucking soon here." I fake pouted as Cullen turned around, slightly intrigued.

"Care to join me for a few beverages? Oh, say, my room? Midnight?" I smirked.

That cocky grin twitched up those perfect lips for a second before he raised an eyebrow at me, asking, "And here I thought you were smarter than the av-er-age bear, Swan. How the fuck do you propose we make that happen, Cinderella?"

My grin turned devious as I stood and strode towards him confidently, pausing to run my fingers lightly down his arm."I'm sure you'll figure it out, Tarzan," I winked, then turned and left, fighting back giggles as I left him in a stunned stupor. I sauntered my way down the stairs, still grinning deviously, and saw that Alice was ready and waiting for me at the front door. Aside from her slightly crooked shirt and some serious fucking sex hair, she looked no worse for the wear. I snickered and shot Jasper a wave, who was riding the arm of the couch and attempting to lasso Alice from there, before following her out the door.

As we sped down the back roads toward my house, I had to bite my tongue in an effort to keep my amused giggles at bay. Just because I didn't break Alice didn't mean Cullen was off the hook - I wasn't anywhere near done. Sure, Alice looked to be the easiest target, but Emmett and Rose would be just as pliable, once I exerted the right amount of pressure.

Plus, Edward Fucking Cullen would be on his way to my house by the stroke of midnight. Pumpkin that, asshole.

And just like that, I was a regular goddamn genius again, and Cullen was in serious fucking trouble.

God I love my boobs.

I, for one, can not WAIT to see what happens when our little piece of pervert perfection arrives at midnight. Tell me what you loved the most, and I might just make it happen. ;)

DONT FORGET - voting for the Eddies & Bellies is open till March 4th, and Place Your Bets is nominated for Best Collab! Link is on my profile... won't you vote? For Drunksper?