Did some work on this chapter and replaced it so enjoy!

I just love Link.

CHAPTER TEN: Fear and Loathing in the Great Bay

The Pirate's Fortress was so intimidating it was hard to miss; it was a solid iron and brick wall with cannons peeping out, just waiting to deep-six any unfortunate zora who happened to be swimming towards it. It had been there for years and years. There was an old zora legend about Rubo the Great, a zora chieftain who attempted to take them a keg of seaweed ale as a welcoming present. Neither the chieftain nor the ale ever returned.

Link was starting to feel a happy buzz from all the seaweed ale he had imbibed. His tailfin felt a little numb. "You better watch out," Tatl warned. "You're heading right towards the Fortress wall…they're a little trigger-happy around here." Link waved her off and continued on his merry nautical way. He finally stopped at the front gates and leaned his face against the wooden posts to peer inside. From behind, Tatl saw his tail twitch. "'We're so going in there, man?' What's made you so gung-ho all of a sudden, huh?"

She fluttered over to the gates and looked to where his slanty gaze was pointed. A tan, redheaded, mostly-naked female pirate stood on sentry near the gate, holding a big, long, spear. "Oh. OHHHH. So that's it. You nasty man. Well. You ain't getting near that. They don't take kindly to the likes of you around here. What's wrong with you? You're a zora. And you're male. DON'T TELL ME HOW MALE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. Get away from that gate!"

Tatl pondered the situation at hand for a moment and came to a firm decision. "Link. I think it's better for ALL of us if you stay outside while I go in and get the eggs. Give me your bottles." Link's fishy face fell fast. His shoulders drooped and he stared at her pleadingly. "No," Tatl said. "Sit. Stay. You can look through the gate all you want to, but no touchy-touchy, you hear? You break it, you buy it." She floated up over the wall, but looked over her shoulder at the loincloth-clad zora once more. He was actually behaving himself and leaning against the wall. She had to admit that he cut an impressive figure in the shadows, what with Mikau's abs and pecs and all. But why was he always wearing just a loincloth? It was a thought to ruminate over as she searched for the eggs.

As a female, Tatl had unlimited access to the Fortress. She swooped in, snatched up four eggs, and even managed to hide them behind her wings while she talked girl talk with an idle pirate. "I mean, like seriously, I keep telling Aveil that this purple just doesn't go with my particular shade of hair but she doesn't care because she gets to wear white because she's a 'special pirate captain'!"

"I know, right? I just hate girls like that!" Tatl agreed heartily.

The pirate girl flipped her hair prissily. "Well, the joke's on her because it makes her butt look SO big. And, like, not in the good, ghetto way either. Hey, we just found this really hot zora man sneaking around! It's been so long since we had a fresh man! We decided to throw him a party in the basement. Wanna come have a drink with us?"

Tatl's eyes narrowed. "Is he wearing a green loincloth?"

"Not anymore!" The pirate giggled.

As soon as Tatl fluttered in the door of the basement, something soft and green hit her. Trapped under it on the floor, Tatl shivered. It couldn't be. It wouldn't be. IT WAS. It was Link's hat. But he never takes off his hat around me…she thought sadly. As soon as she peeked out from under the cloth, she regretted it. Link apparently had lost his qualms about taking anything off and was reclining quite contentedly on a plushy purple couch, being fanned by two blushing pirates holding palm branches and being fed grapes by a white-clad pirate Tatl could only assume was Aveil. The pirate from before had been right. The white DID make her butt look big. And not in the good way.

Link's pupils were dilated from the excess of seaweed ale, but they managed to dilate a bit further as she flew up in a tizzy. "My gosh, pull yourself together man! How much have you had to drink?"

Link snickered, burped, and tapped Aveil. Aveil pinked in the cheeks and bowed before Tatl, offering her a grape. "Any friend of this fine speciMAN of fish manhood is a friend of ours. Please use this grape to nourish yourself."

Tatl took the grape, looked at Aveil and the exposed thongs around her, and leered.

Ten minutes later, the two of them were booted over the wall and out of the fortress. "AND DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK!" Aveil shouted. The other pirates wept noisily into surprisingly lacy handkerchiefs. "We won't forget you, Zora Man! If you can get away, meet us at the Great Bay Bottling Facility for some fun!" A couple of the girls fainted in the sand behind the gate.

Link glared at his fairy companion. "What? Isn't that what you're supposed to do with grapes? You mean all the screams weren't screams of undiluted pleasure? You don't say…" She grouchily turned around and flitted off into the distance. Link unhappily followed. "Besides. I got the eggs like we wanted. But there were only four of them. Aren't there supposed to be seven? They said what now? An eel stole the other three near Pinnacle Rock? Oh good grief. What do I look like, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? This is like the time my ex-boyfriend lost his pet fighting cricket and I had to…" her voice faded as space grew between she and Link. Link had stopped because something was wriggling in his hat. He snatched it off and stuck his arm shoulder-deep into it. When his hand re-emerged, it was clutching a shiny, golden seahorse. At first he thought it was just the ale playing tricks on his mind. The seahorse wore a sickeningly sunshiny smile. "…and I spent FOUR DAYS taking out all the plumbing just for…Link…are you talking to a seahorse?"

The seahorse swam behind Link. Link looked at Tatl. Tatl looked at Link. "What do you mean, it needs more space? Quit speaking gibberish, you were never a Junior Starfish when you were younger. How do I know that? Look at yourself!" Nevertheless, she backed away grumpily. "Ask him where the talking eel went and we'll burn his house to the ground! Sorry. I meant, ask him where the talking eel went OR we'll burn his house to the ground."

Link and the golden, smiling seahorse had a deep, heart-to-aquatic-heart conversation. Finally the seahorse took off in a southern direction, followed closely by Link who motioned for Tatl to join them. "Oh, now you want me. Men. I bet that seahorse is a guy, too."

The seahorse swerved around rocks and led them through arches, always following a southwestern course. Eventually the water grew murkier and the seaweed thicker. Finally the seahorse stopped. Tatl could see a deep, dark cavern extending straight down into the ocean floor. Link, through his drunken haze, saw a black blob. He held on to some seaweed next to him, as the ocean seemed to be turning upside down. The seahorse whickered and Link motioned drunkenly towards the pit. "They live in there?" Tatl asked in a hushed voice. Link nodded and had to clutch the seaweed to keep himself from falling over. "Look, buddy. Pirates are one thing. Big, ugly sea snakes are another. I'm not doing this one. No way. You get your drunken tail down there and get the eggs. Take your sunny friend with you."

Link swaggered back a bit then awkwardly nodded his head, almost losing his hat in the process. After he jammed it back on his head, he turned to the seahorse for guidance. It spoke in high-pitched squeaks. Link turned back to look at Tatl and stopped cold. His eyes dilated even more, if possible. A couple of bubbles issued from beneath his loincloth. The seahorse squealed and flew back into his hat.

"What?" Tatl asked. "Wait. Oh, no. I see right through you, buddy boy. You're trying to trick me! You want me to think there's something behind me so you can run away and leave the dirty business to me! My ex-boyfriend used to do that to me and I can promise you I'm not falling for that again!"

The pleasant smell of hot tea and crumpets wafted past her nose. "What did those pirates put in your hat?" She turned around. A monstrous, green eel with a monocle and very bad teeth floated behind her. A couple of bubbles issued from beneath her wings. "Why I say, old chap, what is a fine lady like yourself doing in these parts, eh? God save the Queen! Say, would you like some seaweed gin? Poured myself a spot of gin and tea, I did, and was just enjoying it. Care for a crumpet? One for the chav in the green there behind you?"

He spoke with a distinct English accent. Tatl's fears melted in his soothing, foreign voice. "Oh. Hi. We were just looking for some eggs that were taken from the Pirate Fortress earlier. Have you seen them around here anywhere?"

The English eel was chuffed to bits. "Why yes, little ma'am, I have. Took them myself this morning, I did."

"Oh. How fortunate. Can we have them? We need them for…something. I guess."

The eel lowered his face to hers and inspected her through his monocle. "Goodness me. Those eggs were quite hard to come by…but you know what I like better than eggs? Kippered seahorse. Tha's a quite fine meal, that is. Wouldn't happen to have a taste of that, would you? That'd be a good girl."

Tatl jingled. "Well it just so happens that we do."

"Oh jolly good! God save the Queen!"

"Link! Give me the seahorse," she yelled back to Link, who was lying prone on the seabed, clutching the sand for dear life. He looked up and shook his head groggily. "This is no time for your games. Give me the seahorse." Link plopped his head back down in the sand, face-first. Tatl strolled over and plucked the seahorse from his hat.

It screeched. "Sorry, kid. Hear that? Old Saint Peter is singin' for you."

"God save Saint Peter!"

"Indeed, indeed. Look. Here's your seahorse. Go kipper him or…whatever you do with your food. I don't judge." Tatl waved goodbye to the now-frowning seahorse before he disappeared into the eel's dentally-challenged mouth.

The eel sighed contentedly. "That was jolly tasty. I could go for a smoke about now. Want a fag?"

"Um. No. Listen. We just want those eggs. Can we have them now, please? For the Queen?"

"God save her! Anything for the Queen!" The eel swam away in a flash. He returned momentarily and spat out an egg onto Link's back.

Tatl looked at it for a moment. "That's great but there are supposed to be three. Where are the other two?"

The eel backed away in horror. "Blimey! You wanted all three?"

"DUH."

"Well, terribly sorry my dear, but I had two sunny-side up just this morning with a lovely bit of biscuit and jam. I've just the one."

Tatl deflated. "You ATE them?"

"Isn't that what you're supposed to do with eggs, love? Fry them in some butter with a dash of salt?"

Tatl turned around and grabbed Link by the loincloth. "We're leaving. Five will be enough, right?" He shrugged and swatted at some plankton. She towed him back towards shore.

Behind them, the English eel raised a top hat in farewell. "Good day to you, Miss and little drunken chav, and GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!"