Chapter Ten – Tighten Up.

BPOV

After the show was done, I tried my best to get out of the crowd before everyone started heading out together. It didn't work. I was stuck waiting behind so many fucking people, internally screaming for them to get a fucking move on.

"Edward is so fucking hot! I would fuck him in an instant," a girl said to her friend from behind me. I sniggered and shook my head.

Get a life.

I needed a life. What was I doing? Here I was in L.A., watching Edward on Ellen DeGeneres. I was pretty much the mysterious friend. It was like I had two identities. The first one fled away with a celebrity and lived the high life in secrecy, while my second half was a broke bitch that worked at a coffee shop that sucked the life out of me. On top of it all, I was an aspiring actress. One half of my life didn't seem to be parallel with the other. I needed to focus on my shit and get a clue.

I huffed and looked back scowling at everybody when I had finally gotten the fuck out of the studio. I was supposed to wait at the side of the building for my ride to come pick me up. It was one of Edward's drivers. That freaked the shit out of me. Here I was, trying to stay the fuck out of the public eye, and in doing so, I was fucking diving head first in the frenzy.

I just wanted a poster to hang on my wall, telling me what to do next. I wanted somebody to give me direction, or better yet, I wanted somebody to tell me how the fuck my life was going to unravel. I was a bitter bitch who needed to stand back and cry for help.

Edward had said on stage that he liked me. Well, not in those exact words, but I could only hope he meant me. I mean, we had never discussed where our "relationship" was going, but then we barely knew each other. It seemed we were bumped into these situations, but neither of us did anything about them.

What place was I in to even think about the possibility of Edward and I as a couple? Did I even want that? My heart creamed yes, but my mind convinced it to shy away. I was fucked up in every single meaning of the word. I did my best to stay away from people, not wanting to draw them in, to know who I was as a person. I watched Edward from afar for a while now, and I didn't know if I wanted to become up close and personal with him. There was opportunity, I knew that, but what I didn't know was how difficult this whole process was. Joan would have bitched slapped me by now. I was a sad excuse for an empowered woman. I was a hardcore believer that when women felt empowered that their dreams could become a beautiful reality, but of course, I didn't count myself in that. I didn't belong.

Every fiber of my being last night restrained me from kissing Edward's Cajun lips last night. What normal girl, who was in a hotel room with Edward Cullen, would pass up a chance to kiss him, or better yet…fuck him.

Damn morals.

Yeah, sure, my morals were way fucking different than those focused on by society, but I had them. So fuck off.

As my ride pulled up and I got in, I still hadn't come to a decision. What the decision was, that was something I still had no clue about. I didn't even know what decision I was trying to find an answer to. That was how confused I was. I had everything practically being handed to me. I was sitting in a tinted window, black SUV, with a driver who was dropping me off to have lunch with my most popular celebrity friend, and I couldn't find an urge to jump up and down.

Maybe because everything was just too easy. Maybe because I wasn't working for what I wanted most. I moved to Vancouver to get focused and try my hand at acting, but everything was just…changing. Whether I had fucking control over it or not. I closed my eyes and willed my confusing, nonsense thoughts to the back of my mind and placed myself in the now.

I pulled out my cellphone and saw that I had one text message. I was so into my thoughts, I had forgotten about my incessant need to check my phone every five fucking minutes.

How did you like the show? –E

I smiled at the text, but shook my head at his absurdity. I was seeing him very soon, and yet he wanted to have a conversation over text message. I was bored, so I decided to fool around with him. Believe me, as Renee had always told me, only I found my antics amusing. They were.

What are you wearing? –B

No more than a minute later I received a text message back.

A leopard print thong and a straw cowboy hat. –E

I laughed out loud and looked up at the driver, who was now staring at me through the rear-view mirror. I immediately looked down, blushing.

Bella Swan blushing? The world just fucking changed direction. I turned into some turned on, easy going chick. Something had to be in the water.

For fuck sake.

Same here. –B

His response was so fast that I had no time to even look up from my iPhone screen.

Woah, no top? Lemme see! Lemme see!

I scoffed. Yeah, Edward getting a look at my B cup tits wasn't going to happen. They were so small, that I was sure my camera wouldn't be able to pick up the shape of them. I internally laughed and shook my head.

"Miss Swan, we are here," the driver announced.

I looked up from my phone and put in my pocket, taking in my surroundings. The driver opened up the door for me, and I stepped out in complete awe. It had always been a dream of mine to visit L.A. and it felt like a huge breath of fresh-air to be here. It felt like home. I felt like I belonged here.

I knew I could have just moved here from Forks, but Vancouver had one of the best acting schools. I was looking for an escape route. I wanted to have a new life, a new beginning…literally.

"Thanks for the ride," I said to the driver, whose name-tag stated Sam.

"No problem, Miss Swan."

I nodded and headed towards the entrance of the café. It was nice and quaint, small and discrete. The outside looked completely vintage with worn out posters on the windows, chipped red bricks, and rock music coming out from within.

I hesitantly walked through the threshold and looked around nervously, trying to find Edward. I saw a waving hand in the distance, and there was Edward sitting in a booth at the far end. I smiled and made my way over to him.

"What? No leopard print thong and straw cowboy hat? What a crock!" Edward laughed.

I couldn't help but laugh back, instantly relaxing my nerves. "I could say the same for you. I was looking forward to it."

He shook his head and smiled, my heart beating wildly as his facial structure defined. He was so beautiful.

"What?" Edward questioned, looking taken aback.

I sat down across from him and quirked my eyebrow, shaking my head in confusion. "What do you mean what?"

"Uh, you said I was beautiful."

I stopped breathing, the heat of embarrassment infesting every fucking feature on my face. "I was just joking. I mean, I was…Um…"

Did I actually just say he was beautiful out loud?

Fuck me.

He laughed. "Well, if it helps, I think you're…Uh-"

"I get it. Please don't."

The waitress thankfully came up to our table, and I ordered a beer, needing something to kill my shot nerves. I couldn't believe I had just called Edward beautiful. Who did that? I was smarter than that. Oh bloody hell.

"Bella?"

I finally looked back at him and stared directly into his eyes. I was shaking with humiliation and my hands were cold as ice. I wanted to get out. I wanted to leave.

"Y-yes?" I stuttered out.

"Why don't you like people handing you compliments?" he asked, taking a sip of his beer.

"I don't…I don't like it when—Look can we just move on from this?"

"Why don't you like it? I mean, it's not a bad thing when people think you're beautiful."

I groaned and leaned my head against the back of the booth. I looked up at the ceiling and tried taking in the design, willing away my embarrassment and awkwardness. "What are you now? ?"

I fucking hated when people tried to decipher the way I thought. I could see in Edward's eyes that he was trying to figure me out, and I didn't need that shit. Why couldn't people just let me live my life the way I wanted? Why did everybody always want an explanation for my bitchy, bitter, glass-half-empty look at life?

"Are you okay, Bella?" he asked worriedly.

I looked back to him and sighed. I took a long pull from my beer before I answered him. "I'm fine. I'm just…I don't know."

"Was it the show? Did I say something to offend you?"

It was about me? He was talking about me? I swallowed thickly and blinked, keeping my eyes closed for a moment.

My heart swelled until it threatened to break free from my chest. My emotions were a fucking whirlwind and fucked up, screaming at me to make up my mind already. I hated when people told me I was beautiful. I hated when people told me I was talented. I hated when people gave me compliments. I hated when people showed interest.

It turned me off and it made me feel differently towards the person who felt that way.

I was scared to death that if Edward actually came out and admitted that he liked me, that I would want nothing to do with him, that I would push him away.

"No, Edward, the complete opposite," I mumbled.

And I found myself falling head first into that situation.

"Oh."

I glanced up and him and he was grinning, peeling off his beer bottle label.

I bit my lip, biting it until I tasted copper. "Yeah. Oh."

"I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. I knew I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, Edward, don't worry about it. It's cool." He nodded in acceptance. "Edward?"

"Mhm."

"Did you mean what you said?"

"What? About liking Cheese Whiz sandwiches?" He smiled and winked at me, knowing damn well what I was talking about.

Pure torture.

What an asshole.

"Edward," I groaned, "you know what I mean."

"Okay, okay. Well, yeah I did, Bella." He looked at me seriously, nervously playing with the label on the neck of his beer. "I like you."

I cringed and let out a low breath, trying to keep myself from pushing Edward away. "Okay."

His shoulders slightly fell and he looked down. "I guess I shouldn't have really expected anything."

I felt horrible, like somebody had stabbed me in the chest. I had never felt that way and it was hard for me to control them. I didn't know how to handle these new emotions. I didn't even know what the fuck it was called.

The only thing I knew was that I liked him so much that I couldn't let him get close to me. I was too bitter, too negative. I didn't rub off on people the right way.

"Edward, I like you, too, but-" I admitted, more than I would of liked.

"I know, Bella, it's risky for you to be caught up in all this. Believe me, if I could fucking take ten steps back I would."

"Edward, this has nothing to do with your fame. You should be proud of yourself. Do you know how hard it is to get to where you are today? Relish in that, you fucking asshole."

I shook my head at him in disbelief. Fuck the people who didn't know how to appreciate what they had. Dumbass Edward.

He lifted his eyebrows in shock and smiled. "Fiesty." I sniggered and he smirked. "I appreciate what I have, Bella, but what I don't appreciate is that it never lets me get close to people I really want to get close to."

My heart sunk at his words. I completely understood. "It's gonna suck, Edward, but soon enough you will find somebody that you will be able to get close to."

I was officially pushing him away. Damnit.

God, Bella, you fucking tool! You know he fucking likes you, and he's practically dishing his heart onto his plate and you fucking clam up like a pansy! Tell him you like him! What are you afraid of?

I winced from my thoughts, and pushed them away. No way was I worthy of a man such as Edward. He deserved better than me. He deserved better than a bitter bitch who couldn't tell her fucking life from her ass.

I wanted so badly to give into them, but I just couldn't. I was used to living independently. I was used to doing things on my own, being my own person. Then, one day, Edward fucking Cullen waltzed in my life and threatens that, and I put my wall up. Celebrity or not.

Deep down inside I knew it was lost cause to get involved with Edward. As normal as he was now, pretty soon the extravagant life would get to him and he would be a complete asshole. Demanding this, shrugging people off, becomes stuck up, and completely high-maintenance. I refused to be the trash that he threw away when he was bored and realized what he was really dealing with. It hurt me to know that one day Edward would become one of them, but I had no other choice.

While I finally admitted this all to myself, my wall was being built. The foundation of it was so strong that I couldn't break it down, but I was doing everything in my power to climb up and fall over to the other side. I fought viciously with my self-conscious. Every day it was a losing battle, and I was content with the fact that I would die a single woman. I was used to making my own choices and telling myself how my life was.

Edward shook his head and looked at me, frustration evident in his features. "I guess so, Bella," he snapped coldly.

"Don't be upset." We both knew what we were talking about –me—but it was being talked about with very few words.

I stared directly into his eyes, silently begging that he would understand that I didn't want this for us. I wanted more than anything to just admit my feelings for Edward, but it was easier said than done. I just needed time to figure my shit out and get my fucked up head in gear before I even thought about opening my mouth.

I knew as I sat directly across from Edward in our little, secluded booth, that I was pushing him farther and farther away by the moment. Who knew how long it would take to figure out my shit. The life that Edward led, he had women on his heels. He could pick any woman he wanted and could be happy for the rest of his life, but I wanted that woman to be me.

Just thinking of Edward being with other women made my blood boil. I felt jealousy searing through my veins at the thought of other women's appreciation for him. He was mine…Nobody else's. If I could just skip the step of admittedly professing like for each other, things could possibly work

I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want him to walk away. I wanted more than anything to be beside Edward through all of this–boyfriend or not. I just needed him. It was pathetic how needy I had become, but maybe…fuck I didn't know. Nothing about the situation I was in was normal or made sense. I just had to go with it. It was the whole building up to the step of being considered into a relationship. Maybe if we just had a silent agreement without all the Cheese Wiz, I wouldn't be turned off. Fucking awesome idea. I looked back at Edward and he looked so sad, so upset. I had to fix it.

As I panicked at the thought that this might be the last time I saw him, and the fact that I would lose him, I stood up and looked directly into his eyes.

"Edward," I said shakily.

He quickly stood up and looked and me worriedly. "Bella are you, oka-"

"Kiss me," I rushed out.

"W-what?" he stuttered out.

"Kiss me for fuck sake, Edward! Quick!"

He placed his hands on each side of my face and smiled. He leaned in closer until his lips mere inches away from mine.

Edward was the Cheese Whiz to my Wonder bread.