Someday
Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to Stephanie Meyer.
A/N-thank you for the kind reviews.
Part Ten
Bella knew he was there. She couldn't quite explain why. She was sitting in the lotus position in front of Old Quil. Emily and Kim were sitting in the same position either side of her. She heard Emily give a small gasp of joy, followed shortly after by Kim. Bella braced herself, slowly opening her brown eyes and then twisting her head to look in the same direction as Emily and Kim. She heard Old Quil struggling to his feet as he called out a greeting to the pack. But all Bella could see was Jacob. He was standing barely a foot away from her, looking handsome, strong, vital and alive. His tan skin seemed to have a healthy glow to it; his dark expressive eyes were sparkling as they gazed down at her.
"Hey, Bells."
"Hey." Bella replied faintly. She felt frozen in place, unable to untangle her legs. Emily and Kim were already on their feet, running to greet their men. Bella's head was a mess. Happiness, relief, fear, panic, they all fought for dominance. Jacob was shocked at the myriad of expressions that crossed Bella's face. He could see now what his brother's meant. He hunkered down so he was on Bella's level and held out his hand toward her. Bella raised hers, her fingers were shaking, and then a tremor ran through her entire being. "You're okay." She whispered as Jacob caught her cold fingers in his warm ones.
"I'm better then okay." Jacob assured her. Bella looked like a frightened baby bird. He saw her blink, tears coated her lashes. She couldn't seem to stop trembling. He laced his fingers through hers as if this would lend her strength. "It's alright, honey. It will be alright."
But it wasn't alright. Bella felt tears splash on her cheeks as old memories came back to haunt her. She saw Jacob broken, lying cold on the ground after being attacked by the stray newborn. She saw his body being crushed by the huge truck as it took him down. Her emotional relief was washed away to be replaced by an all-consuming fear and panic. She tried to push it away, to try and utilise the skills Old Quil had been teaching her to harness her strongest emotions. But it wasn't enough. Bella sank under the weight of her old nightmares and began to weep. Great choking sobs tore from her throat. She felt Jacob's strong arms wind around her; he whispered soothing words in her ear. He pressed his lips into her hair as he rocked her like a child. But that wasn't enough either. Her world turned dark. Bella's biggest battle had always been against her anxieties, and once again they brought her crashing down.
"Bella." Old Quil passed her a mug of warm milk. "Drink this it will settle your stomach."
Bella took it from the elder gratefully and gulped it down. The tight knot in her stomach eased and she sighed in relief. "Thank you." She murmured as she passed the empty mug back to him.
"You're welcome." Old Quil sat back in his chair and scrutinised her carefully. "Do you feel able to tell me what happened?"
Bella hung her head, hiding her face behind her long hair. She felt neurotic and very embarrassed. It was hard to explain the sharp rush of differing emotions that had assaulted her when she first saw Jacob. "I felt relief that he was finally awake. I was happy. I wanted to leap up like Emily and Kim and run to him but I was frozen. I couldn't move. Then the fear came back."
"Ah, your fear." Old Quil sat forward in his seat and rested his hands on his knees. "You need to share them with Jacob, my dear. You need to tell him the real reason why you didn't choose him."
Bella felt tears dribbling out of her eyes as she became overwhelmed again. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hands and finally dared to glance at the old man. "It doesn't change anything."
"No, but being honest will ease the burden you carry in your heart. Doesn't Jacob deserve the truth from you?" Old Quil said simply.
"I don't know what the truth is anymore. I don't know who I am either." Bella replied sadly.
The elder was saddened by her admission. She was too young to be feeling this way. She had witnessed a lot of bad things. Her time in Volterra had scarred her, even if she didn't truly acknowledge this. The Cullen's had done her irrevocable harm by introducing her into their world. They strived to be different, to make something noble out of their existence. Old Quil couldn't fault them for that. But to drag an innocent human into their world was only going to end badly. Bella had endured a lot, she had been attacked by a vengeful cold one, and she had been forced to run to Italy, essentially the lion's den, to stop her vampire lover from ending his existence. In doing so she had seen things that would give any sane person nightmares. How often had Charlie told them all about his daughter's sleepless nights where she would awaken, screaming. Then upon her return she was caught between the wolves and the vampires as she fought to remain neutral, to keep those she loved the most closest to her. That was a fight she was always going to lose. Old Quil had no concept of what she must have suffered daily. Her fears and anxieties had been overwhelming as the days and weeks dragged on and on, while she waited for Victoria to make her move. All those she loved were dragged into protecting her. The elder could understand why her dominating emotions were anxiety, fear and panic. Then when the battle was over and Victoria was vanquished, somehow an imprint had formed between her and Jacob. Bella had been in no fit state to deal with another supernatural attachment, and neither had Jacob. It was no wonder it had gone awry.
"You need to forgive yourself." Old Quil said eventually. "Until you do, then how do you think you will ever be strong enough to become the woman you deserve to be."
Jacob was distraught. Once again his presence seemed to do nothing but hurt Bella. It had crushed him, seeing her so desperate and heartbroken. He had held her, hoping that his touch would sooth and calm her. But it seemed to only add to her anguish. Sam and Embry had been forced to intervene and pull Bella away from him when he wouldn't let go. Her eyes were red and sore from crying. She was falling apart and he was the cause. He was full of torment as he paced up and down outside the room where Old Quil had told the others to take Bella. He could hear the conversation between them, but he was so upset he wasn't really taking anything in.
"You can't blame yourself." Sam said wearily as he watched Jacob torture himself mentally with what ifs. Seeing his brother in this state brought back painful memories for Sam. This is how he had been when the imprint first occurred between him and Emily. He had been full of despair and self-loathing; tormented by the fact that he had caused harm to those he loved.
"You warned me but I didn't really understand." Jacob stopped pacing and ran his fingers restlessly through his hair.
"You will get through this. You have to try and stay calm. Bella's already emotional enough for the both of you." Sam reminded him.
Jacob gulped in some air as he tried to follow Sam's advice. They were interrupted when the sound of Old Quil shuffling along the floor alerted them. The door opened and the elder emerged from the room wearing a grim expression. He motioned for Sam to come forward. "She wants to talk to you."
"Me." Sam was stunned as was Jacob. "Why?"
"Just go in." Old Quil stepped aside to let him enter.
Jacob gazed at the elder in despair. "She doesn't want to see me."
"She does. There is something she needs to clarify first, and Sam is the only one who can give her the answers she seeks. Be patient, Jacob." Old Quil gestured for Jacob to go in front of him. "Come, I'll make us both a hot drink. Bella deserves her privacy, don't you think?"
Jacob couldn't argue with the old man. With his heart heavy in his chest he followed the elder as he walked slowly down the hall.
"I don't see how I can help." Sam said tiredly. He watched Bella's animated expressions as she tried to talk calmly without getting hysterical. It was still so odd to see the play of emotions on her face after witnessing her former lethargy.
"I need to know if it's possible to love two people." Bella asked him bluntly. She hadn't meant to blurt out her question in such an abrupt manner, but she was desperate for answers. Sam was the only other person she knew who had loved two people at the same time…or was it love? She needed to know how it had been for him so she could understand her own feelings toward Jacob and Edward.
"I'm not the person to answer that." Sam ground out. He glared at Bella, angry that she bringing up painful memories.
"You love Leah. You love Emily. Or did you?" Bella sat forward. Her eyes were blazing with curiosity. Sam found her sudden changes in mood alarming. He sat back and crossed his arms defensively across his chest. Bella's fingers curled into her palms as she matched his stare. "I need to know. Please." She begged.
"It's none of your business." Sam snarled.
"My head is splitting apart with all the blame and guilt I carry." Bella snapped at him. "I can't contain all this emotion. It's killing me. I need to understand if my feelings are real. Can you love two people? Did you really love Leah? Or was Emily always the one you were going to fall in love with? Was Leah just an infatuation? Was my love for Edward the same? I can't make sense of it. Please."
"NO." Sam, who was usually, so in control, lost his cool as he yelled his answer at Bella. She was taken aback by the ferocity of his response. "It wasn't real love between me and Leah. I was deeply attracted to her. I cared for her, I still do. But when Emily came into my life it was different. She was so soft, so gentle and caring. We fought so hard to deny what would have happened eventually without the imprint. She was Leah's cousin for fuck's sake. So, no, loving two people at the same time is utter bullshit. You only love one; anything else is infatuation or physical attraction."
Bella gazed at Sam with empathy in her eyes. She felt her anger ebb away, and now felt as world weary as Sam appeared now. "I am sorry I brought up such a painful subject. I needed to make sense of my own guilt."
Sam stood up and turned his back on her. "You don't know how much seeing you around Jacob reminded me of my own mistakes that I made with Leah."
"That's why you were always so wary around me." Bella surmised.
"Yes." Sam admitted. "You reminded me of myself in a lot of ways, torn between two people, loving one and not wanting to hurt the other. But in not making a choice you do more harm than good. I understood why you chose to stay with Edward and the Cullen's after the newborn battle." He turned to glance behind him at Bella again. "Seeing Jacob nearly getting killed in your defence broke you more surely than the imprint did. I saw through his mind the kiss you shared on the mountaintop. It was obvious who you really loved, but you chose to reject him because of your guilt. You didn't need me to clarify anything for you Bella." Sam continued quietly. "You just needed me to reaffirm what you already knew." He then left her alone to think.
Jacob sat on the edge of the bed. He didn't immediately reach for Bella's hand. He was so pent up with worry that any wrong move on his part would send Bella's emotions spiralling out of control. He hated being the one that hurt her. But to his relief she was the one who reached for his hand. She smiled tiredly. Her eyes were sad, but she seemed more at peace with herself. She had been closeted with Old Quil, Emily and Kim for the past hour, meditating. Jacob had asked Sam what Bella had needed him for, but Sam had refused to tell him. "She will tell you in her own time." He would say no more on the subject which left Jacob feeling frustrated.
"I'm so…." Jacob began before Bella shook her head fiercely at him. "What?"
"No more saying sorry." Bella stated firmly. She felt a rush of emotion wash over her and she paused, trying her best to contain it and remain calm. Jacob waited patiently until she was in control again. "I need you to listen and not interrupt no matter what I say. Promise?" She begged.
"I promise." Jacob pretended to lock his lips and throw away the key which earned him another small smile from Bella.
"Good." Bella's smile faltered to be replaced with a frown. "I'm going to be honest with you, as honest as I can anyway. I still can't fully explain everything I was thinking or feeling back then." She gave him an apologetic glance before continuing. "I needed to talk to Sam because I needed to understand something about myself and he was the only one who could give me perspective." She paused again and swallowed thickly. Tears were threatening to fall and she knew she had to speak quickly before her emotions brought on the usual hysteria. "I didn't reject you because I didn't want to be with you. I thought you could love two people. For a while I convinced myself that it was true. But it isn't. When Edward came back I tried to love him again, but it wasn't the same. The infatuation I had for him before was missing, but because of my guilt at not feeling like I thought I should, I carried on trying to. I had blinders on. You see it was never going to be the same with him again because I had experienced true love." The tears began to fall and Bella was done trying to prevent it. She gazed at Jacob with eyes dripping with moisture and a heart breaking smile on her face. "I didn't choose Edward because I loved him more. I chose him because I was terrified of hurting you again. You nearly died defending me. I couldn't live with that. I hated myself. I was scared, frightened, all of those things. That day I came to see you I was petrified. I didn't want to go even when I was telling you goodbye."
Jacob didn't say anything. There were no words which could verbalise what he was feeling right now. Instead he gathered up a sobbing Bella in his arms and with her ear pressed over his thundering heart he let his actions speak for him.
A/N-thanks for reading! Thoughts please?