Precious

Chapter 10 - A Friend

What do you know about friendship, Wolf? I don't think you could even comprehend such a simple emotion! I am glad I could though, because at least I know that I am not lonely! Well, don't give me that look, because I know it's true! You're a loner, and the only reasons you need a team is to counter Star Fox and to have men doing your bids! Other than that, I don't think you actually cared about me or even that black cat!

Those words stroke me quite fiercely. Then again, part of what he said was true. I really needed a team only because I needed a counter to Fox's team. Yet there was a part of me that wanted to show them that I was a capable leader as well. Was I that shallow and stone-hearted? After those statements hit me, I recalled what Fox told me before.

In the end, you might end up alone. No burden to slow you down, but no one around to pick your hand up.

I felt depressed. It wasn't like I never cared about other people. It was just that I didn't show it to them. Maybe because I was afraid that people might look at me as a weak person who had strong emotions. It was never a cold person though, not especially to my teammates.

I looked at the coffee mug filled with coffee in front of me. I sighed at my reflection - it did show a very cold-hearted person who never actually cared for anyone. "Am I... really that a loner not to care about others, even my teammates?" I asked myself.

"You're not drinking your caffeine," a voice asked me. It was Krystal. "Something wrong?" I was a bit startled. It took me a while to recall that the two foxes were eating with me, that Leon left to find Falco, and Panther helped Slippy in the engine room. I really didn't want to talk especially with Fox around, but she would know that something was wrong if I didn't say a word.

"No... I'm... I'm fine," I spoke back. My voice was showing it though. The two were about to say something in the lines of 'are you sure?', so I might as well give it up. "Well... yeah, something's wrong." It was obvious that they wanted to hear about it. "No. It's none of your business."

"Hey, we're working in a mission here," Fox suddenly spoke out in front of me. "We have to minimize conflict as much as possible to make this mission a success!" He slammed his palm at the table. Wow, I had never seen him aggravated like this. I simply ignored him and turned my back on him. "Wolf, I thought we talked about this last night. I thought you've changed!"

"The heck are you talking about?!" I shouted back, giving him an obscene gesture with my hand. Not only was it unpleasant to be yelled in front of your face, but I also didn't want others to know about my sentimental side. "If you were talking about those things I said before, then you're quite wrong! Just because I said those mushy things doesn't change the fact that I am Lord O'Donnell, sworn enemy of Star Fox!" Why did I suddenly become so compulsive in my words every time I faced him? For some odd reason, I always became angry and irrational when confronting him. "Got that, Fox?"

"Wolf!" she argued back. "You're not like that at all when I was part of your group!" Yeah... I wasn't... acting myself recently. Every time I faced Fox in front of me, eye-to-eye, I couldn't gather my thoughts well. But why?

"Damn it, Wolf! Damn it!" he shouted again. "When will you learn how to get along with others? Don't reason me with your loner personality!" I wanted to punch him to the face, but... I couldn't figure why. Maybe, maybe because I felt like someone was trying to dominate over me. That was probably the reason. Well, I decided not to stay anymore.

"Shut up!" I yelled back. "Had I known your team would be the one who's gonna accompany us in this mission, I wouldn't be accepting it! Now Leon's gay for your bird and Panther's being a pansy again! They wanted to be part of Star Fox now after the crap that has happened in this ship! I don't care if you take them or not!" I stormed out. I was really feeling... emotional. Mixed feelings of sadness, fear of being alone, and anger were conflicting within me, but the feeling of loneliness took me over in an instant when I kept on recalling the last sentence I shouted. "I don't care if Star Wolf is just me... I don't care! After all, I am the loner, Wolf O'Donnell!" The idea of being alone in the universe gave me some sort of ache in the heart. I felt a tear dropping from my eye.

I just walked at the hallways, trying to forget the event. I was used on simply walking or sleeping through the rest of the day to forget my problems. This one took a while.

"Ah but you ain't got no money. I think you know what that means, La Russo..."

It sounded like... The Crime Lord? It came from a door with a sign labeled Simulation Room. I pushed a button at the console to open the door, and wow, I was surprised. The whole room was filled with holograms of a typical Cornerian car park with a large movie screen at the end. I saw Falco and Leon seated in a lone holographic jeep, eating popcorn from one large tub. They were watching the movie The Crime Lord, a classic film. And... I just saw Leon resting his arm on the bird's shoulder.

I closed the door before they could notice me. I felt... envious. Somehow, the fact that Leon was enjoying company made me feel sad. While to me it was awkward, at least he had someone to hang on with. I on the other hand...

"Wolf," Fox's voice suddenly echoed behind me, "sorry about earlier if I suddenly shouted at your face. I know it was rude but... when you considered the stuff that you told me last night as some trash, I became really furious." I turned around. He looked sincere. "Sorry... I was expecting you as some person who could follow orders... but I was wrong from the start." Alone with him again - for some odd reason, I could express my feelings better when we were the only people talking.

"No, that's not it," I told him calmly, turning myself around to the glass, looking at the starry space. "I feel... conflicted. I couldn't understand myself. I wanted to be alone because it hurts if you have a company then suddenly they leave you, but it also hurts if you try make yourself stable by isolating yourself." Wow, did I just say that? They flowed out of my mouth quite easily.

"Huh?" He went to my side.

I guess it was all right to hint him about why I was acting like this. "My... father died," I told him, trying to hold my breath to prevent sudden bursts of tears, "because he acted like a hero in front of me. My mentor... my close friend, he died... and the worse part of it, is that he died because he was trying to save me." I held the necklace tight. I couldn't tell him that it was James. "I realized then that when I tried to carry other people's burden, I could get end up having their pain. I was... afraid to feel pain. I then tried to be a loner - to care only for myself and only care for others if necessary. That way, when they perish, I wouldn't be feeling any loss because I wouldn't be attached to them." I wanted to pour out after saying that. Reflecting the images of my father and James dying in front of me was the last thing I wanted to do.

"But then...?"

"But, the more I try to push myself away from people, the more I also feel loneliness like some black hole eating me," I continued, holding back the tears. "I realized it before, when Panther was willing to follow Krystal to the ends of the universe. I thought that no one would do that for me. Right now I just saw Leon and Falco together. I became envious because at least he has someone to hold onto, while I... I probably see Leon and Panther as pawns. The fact that they share a closer bond to other people while I only share a shallow, fragile connection to them made me jealous and angry." I could feel a tear escaping my eyes. "The fact that they could leave me and join Star Fox because I never cared for them as teammates scared me." That was it. I couldn't hold it anymore. The more I thought about it, the more painful it was. I was crying... the idea of being alone bothered me.

"But you don't... right?"

"I... I don't know really," I spoke back. "It is my fault. I warped myself into something that dislikes both the idea of carrying other people's burden and isolation that I could tell how I treat other people."

"Well, let me ask you something..." I looked at his deep green eyes. "Why... why did you save me back then from the Aparoids? Was it because you wanted to be the one to kill me? Was it something else?"

I recalled the event. I wasn't aware why I did that. The mere fact that I gave him an advice meant that there was something more to that. "I wanted to be the one to best you. But... without you in the picture, who would rival... me... Alone... again..." It was only until I realized that I never actually killed him. It was then that I recalled, after recovering myself from the reconditioning, that the idea of having no one to match my skill would only cause me more loneliness.

"Wolf, I know you don't like me," he told me calmly, "but I know for the fact that there's something in you that holds you from outright killing me. It could be respect. It could be something else. However, we're sharing this mission together, and I really want to take this opportunity to find out what it is. I... I really don't want arguments from you. I wanted to be friends with you."

"Friends huh?"

It felt... comfortable.

"Yeah. Friendly rivals?"

I looked at his eyes again. I chuckled a bit. "You know... when no one's looking... I could really talk to you like this." The hole in my heart somehow subsided. I just wished it would continue to become smaller.