I do not own Bonanza or any of the original Cartwright characters.
For the Love of a Brother
Chapter Ten
A nice soft breeze blew across Hoss' face. He stood confused as he looked around and saw that he was standing at the edge of a clearing, yet felt as if a wall was in front of him. He couldn't believe what he saw. He recognized the tall blonde woman sitting under a tree with his soul rather than his eyes, but it was her, he felt it was her, he knew it was her. Inger was sitting under a huge pine tree with a small lamb in her arms talking to it. She had the most beautiful smile upon her face as she talked to the small animal. There were others, men, women and small children, laughing and talking as they walked through the tall green grass, all were apparently oblivious to the fact he was watching them.
"Nice picture isn't it?"
Hoss had shock waves run through him as he turned his head at the familiar voice. Adam was now standing next to him. What was going on? "What happened? Where are we?"
Adam sighed as he remembered his mother's explanation to him, just moments before Hoss arrived, of how things worked. He turned away from the clearing and nodded his head in the other direction. "We're in between here and there."
Hoss' eyes turned towards where Adam was looking and his widened when he saw his father sitting, head bowed, by his bed and Little Joe doing the same next to Adam's. Slowly, he remembered hearing the sound of a rifle and falling down the embankment, but Adam? "What happened?"
Adam recited everything that had taken place after Hoss had been shot. "I couldn't just stand, hidden from view, and watch those men kill Joe and Carolyn. They have their whole future ahead of them and the future of the Ponderosa."
"So, what happens now?" Hoss asked as he looked away from his father to the field. He felt so torn as he wanted to go to both places.
Adam put his hand on his hips and shrugged his shoulders. "My mother told me this is only a place to decide, not to stay. Most of the time when a person leaves earth, they are simply called back. However, sometimes, a person is given a choice." He turned his eyes away from his earthly family and back at the image before his eyes only. Adam was seeing his mother, Elizabeth, sitting in what looked to be a library reading a book. "We have to make a choice." He stood erect and spoke clearly.
Hoss didn't like that. He didn't like having to choose between finally getting to know a mother he never knew or the father who had borne the burden of raising him, for the most part, without the help of a mother. There were his animals to think about to. Who would tend to them if he left? "What are ya gonna do?" He turned his eyes to his older brother who stood looking as if he was deep in thought and a thousand miles away.
What was he gonna do? Adam was tired. He'd spent years traveling from one place to another with his father as the man followed his dream. By the time they'd reached the west he was almost grown. He'd worked alongside his father, helped raise Hoss and, when they lost Marie, did the same with Little Joe. Now, he found himself wanting something different, but did he have to leave his human existence to do it? "I don't know," he answered slowly as he sat down upon a nearby tree stump, or at least that's what it looked it, "but we have to decide soon or," he rested his chin on top of his clasped hands, "the decision will be made for us."
As if someone knew the two men needed some gentle encouragement to make the right decision, both found their mothers next to them, though they also found themselves to be what felt like miles away from each other.
Elizabeth gave her son a gentle smile, "When one is given a choice, it is not so easy to make." Her smile felt as if it wrapped itself around his very being doing what it could to help ease his troubled mind.
"What do I do?" Adam looked back towards his father and youngest brother filled with guilt at the thought of leaving, but wanting to move forward too.
Elizabeth laid her hand against her son's upper arm and quietly answered, "You do what you feel is right for you, son."
Hoss could see the struggle his brother was having and felt the same struggle inside of him. He'd never felt so torn in all his life. What was he supposed to do? That was a question he too repeated. He received much the same answer from Inger.
0000
Hoss opened his eyes. Ben was sitting next to his bed, his head hung down and his shoulders looked as if he had the weight of the world upon them. "Pa," Hoss' voice reached up and lifted his father's drooping head up, "How long have I been out?"
Ben's heart felt as if was soaring and tears filled his eyes for joy. "Close to a week son; we about lost you a time or two. Doc told us last night you would be just fine. It's good to have you awake and talking."
"Yeah," While Little Joe's face showed how happy he was that Hoss was awake, his voice still cracked as he stepped inside the room, "It's about time you woke up," smiled Joe. He had to try and kid his brother as his heart was in a million pieces and needed something to heal it.
The fact that both his father and brother were overjoyed to see him awake was clear, but Hoss saw something else in their eyes and his heart sunk. "We have to decide soon." Adam's words came back to him and he felt his heart breaking. "Adam? I saw Adam; I thought I was dreaming…" Hoss' voice trailed off as he continued looking upon his father and youngest brother.
Ben felt his heart stop as he fought to control himself. It felt as if though someone was reaching into the very center of him and twisting him up inside as his mind started replaying the scene that had taken place just that morning.
Ben leaned over Adam's bed as his oldest son's eyes opened while Little Joe stood at the foot, Carolyn had went to sit with Hoss. At first, they were overjoyed as they thought that meant Adam would indeed pull through. However, that joy was short lived as Adam smiled weakly up at them both and spoke softly, "It's been a great ride, hasn't it pa?"
Ben felt a lump in his throat as he remembered how many times he and Adam had said that to each other through the years. At that moment pain he hadn't felt in years again stabbed at his heart. They were losing Adam and there was nothing he could do to stop it. "Yeah, it has been."
Little Joe fought the pain and anger he found inside himself. "No, Adam, the ride ain't over yet. We still have many more to go on." Even as he said the words he could feel his brother slipping away.
Adam looked into Little Joe's eyes and saw the guilt the man was insisting on claiming. "Don't blame yourself, Joe. I made my choice, for the love of a brother I did it, and I don't regret it. If anyone is to blame, it's Simon." Adam turned his hand up, too weak to lift it; Joe rushed to his oldest brother's side and took a hold of the offered hand, "I chose to do what I did. I want to go home now." He paused and then continued, "Please, let me go." Adam looked away from Joe, though he kept his fingers around his baby brother's hand, and gazed upon his father's grief stricken face, the man's tears ran down his cheeks unrestrained, "Please," Adam whispered exhausted.
While Ben could not bring himself to speak, he did nod, as did Joe. Adam turned his head as he looked up at a window only he could see and at the top of a hill that sat against the clear blue sky of early morning. His eyes lit up with joy, let go of Little Joe's hand, and smiled with his usual cheeky grin as he said, "So, Mother, What are you reading?"
"You weren't dreaming." Ben swallowed hard and straightened out Hoss' blanket, "We'll talk about it later. For now, just rest son, just rest," As soon as Hoss' eyes closed, he and Little Joe left the room to give the gentle giant the recovery time he needed.
Neither Ben nor Little Joe spoke a word as the made their way downstairs where Carolyn stood staring into the empty fireplace, still in shock over Adam's passing. Little Joe made his way to his wife and held on for all he was worth. Ben simply walked outside to sit on the porch knowing things would never be the same without Adam; how could they be. Still, he knew the family would hold onto each other and move forward. His first born son wouldn't want it any other way.
Epilogue
Ben stood on the porch and smiled. He was watching Little Joe and Carolyn kneeling five feet apart and holding their hands out as his first grandson walked, very unsteadily, from his father to his mother. The birth of his first grandchild, Francis Adam Cartwright, or "Frank", had been a blessed event, even if the hole in their hearts was still healing.
As he watched the scene before him, Hoss and his fiancée, a young widow by the name of Miranda Hansen, walked up beside him. "Adam would love that little tyke," Hoss told his father, "you reckon he knows about him? Reckon he knows how much we still miss him?"
Ben smiled wider as he turned to look at Hoss. His thoughts on the few times he'd felt Adam's presence nearby, times when he needed him the most. "Yes, son, I do. I really do."