A/N: Sorry for the 6-week delay! Sister, partner, and best friend visited this month, then partner moved down here. And then I've had some special training to level up at my job, on top of finding a second job. Also started guitar lessons, more exercising, trying to get healthier, etc. Been very busy. Anyways…enjoy! (And maybe send me some incoherent babble?) ; )
ONE MONTH LATER
It has been exactly 19 months since the attack on earth. Which would make that 7 months since I lost Mulder and Skinner. One month that Krycek and I have been hanging with our new group, and 4 months since I first ran into Krycek. And now, it's been one month since I found out about my old friends. The first week of grieving consisted of a lot of tears, sleepless nights, and Krycek's comforting arms. I hardly ate, and didn't talk much. The second week of grieving started out with a state of intense denial, and then quickly moved on to me walking around like an emotionless zombie, and sleeping too much, while keeping everyone including Krycek at a very far distance. The third week, my appetite came back, my sex drive came back, and my sleeping schedule began to even out again. But I still felt somewhat foggy. And towards the end of the fourth week, I woke up one morning, and I instantly realized that I could not feel Mulder and Skinner's presence anymore. I really truly felt like they were gone. And I was beginning to accept it, which kind of bothered me. That next night, I shared the most passionate moment with Krycek yet, and found myself laughing with the new 'group' that next morning. Just like I used to do with my old 'group'. I knew it would still be an extensive recovering process, but the world was a very different place now. And I found myself feeling somewhat better 31 days later. I think that having Krycek, Sharon, Frank, and Daryl with me helped a lot. They were all very understanding, supportive, and patient with me. And as much as I didn't want to admit it, I could honestly say that they were my friends. The five of us began to travel together after the second week, taking turns driving the van. We hadn't found any other survivors yet, but we were still alive, and thriving on what we had. It was working for us, and we had all discussed on stocking up on extra supplies, and finding somewhere cozy for the upcoming winter season.
That afternoon, I stayed in the van with Sharon, while the three guys searched for some supplies in the abandoned building we had discovered today. From what was still left of it, it appeared to be a mini strip mall, and looked to have once consisted of a clothing store, restaurant, and mini urgent care center. Sharon and I engaged in some small talk, taking turns naming off the top things we missed having access to before the attack.
After a good thirty-minutes, the guys came out of the last building, and began to walk back towards the van. And it didn't take me long to notice the big smirk on Krycek's face when he poked his head into the passenger's seat window, while the other guys loaded some stuff into the back.
"Why is Mr. Serious so peppy right now?" Sharon friskily asks, as I inwardly chuckle at Krycek's very noticeable half smirk half glare.
I could tell that Krycek liked having the three of them around, even though he tried not to show it most of the time. He and Sharon would continuously banter back and forth like siblings, but I knew that he didn't actually mind it. Even Frank had begun to grow on him. And if I had to guess, I would have to say that Daryl was probably his favorite male 'groupie', because he was quiet, and did whatever Krycek always asked of him. They seemed to get along great, and were always seriously engaged in conversation when I would walk by them during meal breaks.
"Nun-ya business, Shirly." Krycek shoots back, leaving Sharon in a fit of laughter.
"It's Sharon, you butthead." Sharon sniggers, clicking her tongue and rolling her eyes, all the while still smiling.
"Yeah, whatever." Krycek impishly waves her off, turning his attention back to me. "So, listen, Dana…you're not going to believe what I found in there." He leans in, as his eyes dance with excitement, like a little boy on Christmas morning. I don't think I've ever seen him like this before. Definitely an odd thing to be witnessing...But I think I could get used to it, if he kept it up, that is.
I cradle my chin in my hand and pretend to think really hard about it for a moment. "Uhh, no wait, let me guess…" I raise my hand, and Krycek leans up against the van, obviously preparing himself for my smartass response, which we both knew was coming. "New underwear." I begin, and Krycek rolls his eyes and heavily groans, while Sharon giggles in the background. "Flannel pajamas?" I keep going, feeling extremely frisky today, and not really even knowing why. I only ever got this way with Mulder, and maybe that's what I'm hoping to achieve. The life I used to have. Or at least a small part of it. Nonetheless, it's better to be this new Dana, than a depressed Scully. And Krycek seems to be putting up with it, for now.
"Oooh, I know, a new personality!" Sharon chimes in, and I can't help but snigger with her. Have I already mentioned that I really like Sharon? She could very well be the reason I'm still sane right now. She's just such a likable person. And she reminds me so much of my high school best friend.
Krycek points to Sharon and squints his eyes at her. "I wasn't talking to you, Charlene." Sharon throws some small object out the window at him, and he ducks. "I swear, you're spending too much time with this one." Krycek points to me and then Sharon, and we both just sneer at him.
"Alright, sorry, go on." I close my mouth and clear my throat, folding my arms.
Krycek straightens up his posture, and pulls something out of the duffle bag on the ground next to him. And I have to say, I was not expecting him to pull out a beautiful maroon sweater and my favorite childhood book "Moby Dick". I don't even know how to react right now, because I don't think I have ever seen Krycek do something this nice for anyone else other than himself. And when I look over at Sharon, she is grinning from ear to ear, and I am suddenly feeling a little bit of tightness in my chest.
"Alex, oh-"I softly gasp, reaching out to slowly grab the unexpected items from him. Krycek doesn't say anything, as he shyly smiles at me. I can tell that he is intensely studying me, and I am also suddenly feeling extremely exposed. This little moment is feeling a little too personal, and I'm not sure that I can even properly respond, with three other people listening and watching. But when I look around, the guys are busy talking to one another, and Sharon seems to have left the van to go help them finish loading. "Alex-I…thank you." I quietly say, and Krycek nods and shrugs.
"It's nothing, really. Just thought you could use them, since winter is around the corner and all." He sheepishly responds, and I smile at him, nodding.
"I most certainly can." I reply, gripping the items tightly in my hands. "But-how did you know this was my favorite book?" I ask, holding the book up.
Krycek shakes his head, smirking. "You don't wanna know." He quietly says, closing the duffel bag, and throwing it in the back seat.
I don't even bother asking for a further explanation, because I'm pretty sure I know what Krycek is getting at. He had once mentioned some previous surveillance work in the past, so I'm assuming that I was one of the targets at one time. But oddly, it doesn't seem to really bother me now.
I simply just nod, and everyone gets back into the van. Sharon notices the gifts in my lap right away, but says nothing, as she starts the van and begins to drive off. I quietly clutch at the sweater and book for the rest of the trip, occasionally looking down at the items. And when I look up and into the rearview mirror, I catch Krycek's gaze. We hold the eye contact for a moment, and then he smiles at me, before looking away. I turn my attention back to the road, and quietly listen to Daryl and Frank talk and joke the rest of the trip.
XXX
A few hours later, we all come across a decent sized house just outside of a small town. After further investigation, we all decide that it might just be the perfect place to settle down for the upcoming winter months. It's in good shape, and is one of the rare houses to still have some form of clean running water in it, or outside of it. After a thorough investigation, and a group decision, we all begin to unpack the van, and place things inside the cozy white house. It actually kind of reminds me of that farm house that I was in when I first ran into Scully, but a lot bigger, and in a lot better condition. We even find beds, and furniture still in the house, with no signs of the alien invasion 19 months ago. Not even chunks of a crashed ship for many miles. It makes me wonder how long it's been vacant. The beds were even still made, with no signs of visitors probably this whole time. We definitely got lucky today.
After about an hour of settling in, Sharon and Frank pick their bedroom, while Daryl finds his own, leaving Scully and I with two other bedrooms to choose from. At first, I think that Scully is going to choose a room to herself, but then I notice her things lying next to mine on the second biggest room's bed. I begin to ask, when she walks back into the room, but then think better of it. I had figured that she would want to take another break for a few nights, but I guess not. And I'm definitely not complaining. I've actually kind of gotten used to it, honestly. And those late night passionate sessions that she wakes me up with aren't too bad either. But once daylight hits, we are just like two friends, that appear to have never even shared a bed together. I'm kind of hoping that I can change that in the next few upcoming weeks. I guess we will just have to see what happens.
I watch Scully unpack some of her things, and then begin to unpack my own things. And I can't help but leer at the book I gave her resting on her pillow, and when she walks back into the room, I instantly notice that she is now wearing the maroon sweater. I honestly wasn't even sure that she would like the items, but it kind of pleases me to see that I've actually accomplished doing something nice for someone else, whom appears to actually appreciate the gesture.
"What?" Scully asks, furrowing her brows at me, and I realize that I'm staring…hard.
"Oh, uh, nothing. The sweater looks great on you." I reply, clearing my throat, and Scully warmly smiles at me.
"You think? It's pretty comfortable." She beams, and I catch her eye for a moment.
But that's the thing…every time we make eye contact lately, one of us immediately looks away. I noticed the new weird behavior about a week ago. And I'm not really even sure if it's a good thing, or a bad thing. All I know is, Scully is trying really hard to keep her distance during the day, and I'm trying really hard to respect her wishes, but also convince her to let me in. I don't exactly know what's happening with us lately, but I do know that I want more of it. That's all I know, really. And it's beginning to drive me insane. I just want her all the time, and I'm not even talking in a sexual way. It's pretty pathetic, really, and it reminds me of how Mulder was around Scully in the past. When did I become a 'Mulder'? And when did I become okay with that?
Sharon calls for us from the kitchen, and we all make our way out of our rooms to help her prepare dinner. Scully sits further away from me than usual, and keeps her eyes on her food throughout the whole meal. I'm not really sure what's going on with her, but I'd like to know what's going on in that pretty little head of hers.
After the meal, we all decide to crack open a bottle of wine, from the decent sized stash we found in the past few weeks, and that's when I began to say and do some things that I'm now wishing I hadn't.
XXX
I can tell that Krycek has been trying to get my attention for the past hour, as the five of us all sit in the living room drinking wine and playing a card game. I don't even know why I'm trying to avoid eye contact with him, but it started earlier today, after he gave me those gifts. I guess it just caught me off guard, and kind of bothered me that I was so giddy with the kind gesture. The way we have been acting around each other lately, is beginning to evolve into something completely different than just 'friends with benefits'. Not that I even really like that term, honestly. But I also don't like how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling confused, but content. And I also feel like I shouldn't be content. I feel like me being happy with some other person, is sort of betraying that bond of trust that I once shared with Mulder. I mean, I know he's gone, but still…it makes me feel sort of like a shitty person. I know Mulder would want me to move on, live my life to the fullest, and be happy without him. But I'm just really having a hard time doing that. Things are just so different from what I thought they would be. I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting is all.
I finally get the nerve to look up, and sure enough, Krycek is looking at me. We make eye contact, and I manage to keep it for a long moment. The wine is starting to smooth out all of my rough edges, including the anxiety I was just recently feeling a moment ago. Krycek looks me up and down, and I definitely know that look. That's the look he gives me almost every night before bed. I love that look…but I don't want to enjoy it as much as I do.
"Mr. and Mrs. Serious are awfully quiet tonight, ay?" Frank speaks up, looking at me, and then Krycek.
"Something the matter?" Sharon also speaks up, looking over at Krycek, and then me.
"Oh, leave them alone guys. They are probably just exhausted." Daryl adds, and the three of them drop the subject, going back to their card game.
Krycek eventually gets up and leaves the room. And after several minutes, I realize that he is not coming back into the living room. I'm not sure I really want to go investigate his whereabouts, but I find myself doing it anyways.
"Alright guys, I think I'm going to call it a night." I produce a small yawn, and everyone wishes me a good night.
I slowly make my way to my room, and notice that the door is just barely cracked open. I sharply inhale, and then exhale, pushing the door open. I don't see any sign of Krycek, and am about to give up and just go to bed. But then I feel Krycek's breath on the back of my neck, as his arm wraps around my waist from behind. I think about turning around for a brief moment, but then decide not to. Instead, I lightly lean back into him, and instantly begin to feel that twinge of desire in my lower belly. It's dark enough in the room that we can't really see each other's faces, unless we walk over to the window, and that makes me feel a little better. Krycek runs his hand down my stomach, stopping at my hip, and then he his flipping me around to face him. I find myself whimpering in anticipation, as he begins to lean in. I'm already beginning to liquify in his arms, and he hasn't even kissed me yet.
"What do you want?" He whispers against my cheek, and I swallow.
"What?" I ask, slightly dazed.
"Tell me what you want." He breathes into my ear, and I shiver.
"I don't know." I breathe back, licking my lips.
"Yes you do." He says, just centimeters from my mouth.
I lean in for a kiss, but Krycek pulls back, lightly chuckling.
"I won't go any further, until you tell me exactly what you want." He tries again, and I furrow my brows at him. I'm beginning to think that he isn't trying to ask me what I want sexually anymore.
"Alex, come on." I whine, but Krycek shakes his head at me.
"Tell me. Be honest." He murmurs, and I catch his glowing green eyes in the moonlight for a moment.
"I want…this." I whisper seductively, sliding my hand between his legs, but he pulls his hips back.
"Uh-uh." He lightly scolds, and I heavily sigh.
"I don't know what you mean, then." I try the ignorant card. But I don't think he's buying it.
Krycek grabs a hold of both of my wrists, and effortlessly lifts them over my head with one hand. And next thing I know, I'm being gently pushed onto the bed, as he hovers over me. He leans down, and just lightly brushes his lips against mine for a very brief moment. I moan with frustration, and open my eyes to see a very serious Krycek looking down at me.
"Do you see this new group…as a permanent thing?" He quietly asks, and I shrug.
"I don't know?" I furrow my brows, and Krycek loosens his grip on my wrists.
"What about…us? What do you expect to happen further down the road?" He carefully asks, and my stomach tightens.
Ah, there it is. My suspicions were correct apparently. And I'm not sure what surprises me more. The actual intimacy of the question, or the fact that Krycek is wanting to know. I wasn't aware that he had even been thinking about these things. And I have to ask myself, is it real?
"Why are you asking me this?" I firmly ask, and quickly realize that my tone came off as a little snippy.
Krycek completely let's go of my wrists, but remains above me, with one leg on each side of me.
"Does it matter? You don't seem too comfortable with answering, anyways." He murmurs, clenching his jaw.
I heavily sigh, clicking my tongue. "What do you want me to say, Krycek?" I ask, and Krycek stiffens above me.
"Never mind. Just-just forget it." He grunts, pushing himself off of me, and sitting on the side of the bed.
I pull myself up into a sitting position, and we both sit there in silence for a moment.
"I-I'm just not sure what my future holds yet, is all." I shrug, and Krycek shakes his head at me.
"You really don't have that many options these days, Dana." He pauses, and I'm beginning to see the frustration building within him. "It was a simple question. Either you want to stay, or not. Either you want something to develop…with us…or not." He carefully adds.
"Alex, I wasn't even aware that you expected this to go beyond a certain point." I murmur, and Krycek turns to face me.
"What exactly did you think was happening?" He quietly asks, and I shrug.
"I—I don't know. You're Alex freaking Krycek. You've never exactly been the type of person to-"
"To what, Scully? Huh?" Krycek interrupts, quickly becoming more frustrated.
"I didn't mean anything bad by it, really. It just doesn't seem like something you'd ever want." I try to explain.
Krycek heavily sighs, shaking his head at me again. "Now you're just avoiding my questions altogether."
I sigh again, and quickly realize that this night is not going to turn out the way I wanted it to. Not even close. Dammit.
XXX
"I don't mean to. I just don't know if this is my fate, yet." Scully carefully replies, standing up, and I feel my face growing hot.
"Why are you still here then, huh?!" I spat, standing up with her, and firmly grabbing onto her arm.
Scully yanks her arm from my grip, with impressive force I might add, and heavily sighs. "I don't know, god!" She shouts, grabbing the sides of her head in agitation.
"You had every opportunity to leave. No one was forcing your hand. So, tell me Dana…why are you really still here? Because I damn well know that you're not afraid to be on your own. You already proved that once. I know you can handle things yourself, but what I don't know is…why are you still here?" My voice cracks at the end. I don't know why the hell I am so upset. I don't know anything anymore.
"You can keep asking me, and my answer is still going to be the same, Alex. I don't know. I-"She heavily sighs, rubbing at her temples now.
I don't think I am ever going to get used to her calling me Alex. Every time she says it, my stomach lurches. And I'm beginning to realize that the littlest of things make my pulse race lately. I think I might like it a little too much. I also think that I'm pretty much screwed now. There's just no way I can turn back now. And I don't think I'd even want to. What the hell is happening? Why am I hoping that Scully doesn't actually leave? Why do I have this overwhelming desire to get on my knees, and beg for her to stay…with me?
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out for a long moment. "What exactly is going on here?" I finally ask, and Scully looks up at me.
"I don't know what you mean." She answers, pursing her lips.
"Yes you do." I quietly reply, clenching my jaw.
Scully hangs her head for a moment, and I suddenly find myself becoming extremely irritated.
"This is getting out of control. This-I should have never let this happen." She grumbles, rubbing at her forehead and closing her eyes for a moment.
"I don't know what YOU mean." I mock, and Scully laughs sarcastically.
"Yes, you do." She taunts back, and I'm not really sure if I want to yell at her, or kiss her.
Goddammit, this crazy ass woman. I swear, this—this five-foot-two ball of fire with flesh is confusing the hell out of me more and more each passing second. Why do I even put up with this? When did things change? I mean, I know exactly when things changed. The moment I saw her that day, half naked at the end of that hill, I knew things weren't going to be the same. I was determined to keep moving forward, by my damn self. And now here I am, also still not leaving. I suppose I should really ask myself the same questions that I am asking Scully right now, because in reality, we are both doing the same exact thing. The only difference is, Scully is a way better person than me. And as frustrated as she is making me right now, my mind keeps coming back to that. She didn't have to take care of me when I got shot. She didn't have to come back into that farm house for me. She didn't even have to travel with me. But she did. And now we have been regularly sharing a bed together, and Mulder is apparently dead. So, what happens next? Do we part ways? Or do we continue onward together?
"Do you want to leave?" I find myself asking, but I'm not sure that I even wanted to ask.
"I don't know." She pauses, heavily sighing. "Yes." She pauses again. "No." She grunts in frustration, rubbing at her temples again. "I don't know…" She finishes, finally looking back up at me.
"Do you want to stay?" I also find myself asking. But if Scully couldn't answer the first question, what makes me think that she can answer the second one? But I still find myself waiting for an answer anyway.
"Alex, what's with all the rhetorical questions?" She asks, placing her tiny hands on her tiny hips.
"I don't know." I answer quickly, looking away.
"Well, then, if we both don't know what to do about all of this, then maybe we should just cool it for a while." She quietly says, clearing her throat.
"A while…meaning forever. Right?" I ask, bitterly. I don't even know why I am sounding bitter. Because I'm really not. Right now, I'm just actually really sexually frustrated. Why is 'Scully giving me the runaround' turning me on?
Scully doesn't answer me, but does look me directly in the eyes. We stare at each other for a long moment. Or more like a 'longing moment', and then I back away a few steps and nod once.
"Fine." I answer sharply, and walk backwards out of the room without another word.
This situation is beginning to feel oddly like a married couple's fight. Like Sharon and Frank. When did Scully and I become a "Sharon and Frank"? And why am I still letting it happen? I guess I will be sleeping with my right hand tonight.
XXX
The next morning, I roll over to a cold, empty spot next to me. And the first thing I think to myself is, when did I get so used to sharing a bed with Krycek? And why am I slightly bothered by his absence last night? I don't even think I want to answer my own question, or even really think about it right now, so I push it out of my mind for now.
I quickly freshen up, and then make my way into the kitchen, where I see Sharon, Frank, and Daryl sitting at the table eating breakfast.
"Morning sunshine." Sharon warmly smiles, and I slip into a chair next to her.
I quickly realize that Krycek is not around, and Sharon seems to notice right away.
"He went for a walk, about an hour ago." She answers my unasked question, and I nod.
I spend the next few hours with Sharon, while Frank and Daryl go out for more winter supplies to stock up on. I think that we have all definitely found the perfect house to stay in for the winter, and we are also almost done stocking up for the next few months as well. The house was just outside of a little town we came across, with four decent sized bedrooms, two full bathrooms, a basement, and a living room, kitchen, and dining room. There was also a spacious back and front yard, and whomever the previous owners were, seemed to keep everything in good shape. We were definitely lucky to find it when we did. Because we were really starting to run out of options for the upcoming winter. It was already getting pretty chilly outside, but there was no snow yet. We had all found some warmer clothes, and we had a van that was in good shape also. I can't really complain right now, no matter how lost I still feel over Mulder and Skinner.
A few more hours pass, and Krycek's absence has really begun to bother me now. He's been gone for at least 6 hours now, and dinner will be in just a few hours. Where the hell could he be? And was he coming back? I mean, where would he go? Winter was upon us, and I highly doubted that Krycek would do something that stupid. But then again, maybe he would. And why am I even worrying myself about it right now?
"He's probably just out exploring." Sharon speaks up, and I suddenly realize how obvious my worrying has been the past few hours.
What is wrong with me? Krycek is a big boy. And he most certainly doesn't need my help, in any way. Nor I, his. Right?
"Yeah, probably." I try to shrug it off, and continue reading my book.
But as the next two hours come and go, I find myself pacing back and forth in the living room, while Sharon, Daryl, and Frank unload the van's supplies, and bring them into the house. Something was wrong. Krycek had never been gone this long before. Did what I say last night possibly piss him off enough to just want to leave? Or did something bad happen to him while he was out walking? God, why am I so bothered by this right now?
A few minutes later, I hear a fourth voice outside, and quickly walk over to the kitchen window, peaking out. I can see Krycek walking up towards the front porch, laughing with Daryl, and I quickly scurry back into the living room, plopping down onto the couch, and pulling out my book.
Krycek seems to just completely pass by the living room, disappearing for a moment. I can't even bring myself to get up and go after him, because I'm just so baffled right now. How could he just leave like that, for 8 hours, and not tell me?
A few minutes later, I jump, as I hear Krycek's voice behind me.
"Been reading a lot today?" He asks, oblivious to my inward frustration.
Then again, I'm trying really hard to not show it. And I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job at keeping my cool, until Krycek plops down next to me, pulling my feet onto his lap.
"Well?" He tries again, and I slowly put my book down, just staring at him.
"That's all you have to say?" I quietly reply, and Krycek furrows his brows at me.
"What?"
I quickly pull my feet off his lap, and get up off the couch, folding my arms. I don't even know why I'm making such a big deal of this. I really don't. But I just can't bring myself to stop. Krycek stands back up as well, looking completely baffled himself. Good. He takes a step closer, and I turn away from him. Because I know that if I look into those green eyes, that I won't be able to keep calm. Krycek has always brought out this fiery passionate side of me, where I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut. Ever since that time he said, "Calm down, Scully." And sometimes, well, a lot of the time, I still react the same way that I did then.
"You were gone for 8 hours." I simply reply, and I can hear Krycek heavily sighing behind me.
"Yeah? So?"
I don't know exactly why my body turned around, when my brain told me not to. But when I looked into those green eyes, and opened my mouth, the complete opposite of what I wanted to say came out instead.
"I thought something had happened to you." I blurt, instantly regretting it.
When did I become so vulnerable around my partners former enemy?
"Dana…" Krycek begins, opening and closing his mouth several times, before flashing me a brief smirk. "I-I didn't think it would be a problem. I just needed time to myself, to think." He tries to explain.
"Think? About what? You can't just go walking around for 8 hours, in the cold." I reply, folding my arms in front of me again.
Krycek lightly chuckles, rubbing the side of his face with his hand. "I was fine, really. I just needed to sort some things out. Nothing bad, just…" He pauses, making eye contact, and I instantly look down at the floor. "Were you really worried about me?" He asks, trying to hold back a grin.
I quickly shake my head, then shrug. "No. Maybe. A little." I quietly reply, shuffling my feet.
I don't even know why I'm acting like this right now. I wasn't even this bad with Mulder. I guess because Mulder did it so much, that I guess I just expected it from him. But now Mulder's gone, and all I have is Krycek now. I hate admitting that sometimes, but it's true. And I'm beginning to accept that, I guess.
"Look…I'm sorry…that I worried you. I won't do it again, okay?" He carefully replies, touching my arm.
I look up and catch his eye, but before I can reply, Sharon, Frank, and Daryl walk into the house. Their loud laughter breaks our eye contact, and Krycek clears his throat, while I tuck a loose lock of hair behind my ear.
"Dinner's ready guys!" Sharon hollers from the kitchen, and we all make our way into the next room.
God dammit, Dana. What are you doing? What are you feeling? I don't know. I just don't fucking know.
XXX
The second night of dinner in this new house is a lot different from yesterdays. I have noticed that Scully has been eyeing me non-stop since I came back from my long "walk". When in reality, I was in the shed behind the house most of the day, making something. Anyways, I catch Scully's eye for the tenth time now, and she intensely holds it for a long moment. After dinner, we all decide to enjoy another bottle of wine, but this time Sharon, Frank, and Daryl decide to take a walk outside before bed, leaving Scully and I still sitting at the table.
"You sure you don't want to go get some fresh air with them?" I ask, and Scully shakes her head, running her finger along the top of her wine glass.
"I'm kind of tired." She replies, and I nod in agreement.
"Well then go to bed, if you want. I'm heading to my room in a bit also." I reply, and Scully looks up at me, as if she's a little upset by what I've said.
After another long moment of silence, Scully stands up, and I follow her, placing my empty wine glass on the counter next to hers.
"I guess I'm going to bed now." She softly says, and I nod.
"Me too."
We both walk towards the bedrooms, and stand in front of our bedroom doors, which are across the hallway from each other.
"Well, goodnight." I lift my hand, and begin to open my door.
"Goodnight." Scully replies, opening her door as well.
We both look back at each other for a long moment, and a huge part of me is beginning to feel this magnetic pull from Scully's direction. I find myself stepping closer, and Scully follows, until we are both about a foot away from each other. I had originally planned to just sneak in a quick peck on the cheek, or maybe tuck a loose lock of hair behind her ear, but what happened next took us both by surprise I think.
Next thing I know, we are both lunging at each other, with a passion much different from the other times. This time, it's not just sensual. It's so much more than that. It's like we just can't get enough of everything about each other. I can see a difference in the way Scully is acting, and the way I am feeling tonight. It's like we are connected on a new, otherworldly level. The energy flowing through the both of us is enough to make my whole-body tremble for hours. And Scully's hands are all over me, clutching at my clothes, as her lips trail all over my face. And then I am doing the same, until our lips finally connect again, and it's electric. In fact, it's more than just electric. It's-it's enthralling. It's intense. And its life changing. I back her up, until we are in her bedroom, desperately clawing at each other. I can't even describe what's happening between us right now, but we have literally just been touching and kissing on each other for the past 5 minutes. There is no sex. Not yet, anyways. And honestly, I'm perfectly okay with that right now.
"Alex, oh-"Scully whimpers, while pulling me into a tender embrace.
I run my fingers through her hair, kissing her forehead, her eyelids, her cheeks, her nose, her chin, and then her lips. And then Scully's hands are on my face, as her fingers trail across every curve, before finally pulling at my bottom lip with her thumb.
"I-Dana-I-"I breathe, desperately trying to catch my breath.
This moment we are having right now is definitely new. The way we are both reacting to everything right now, it's something I've only ever seen in movies. I'm fucked. I'm so…fucked.
"God-I-"Scully is stuttering along with me, as I press my forehead against hers, and close my eyes.
We just slightly sway back and forth for a long moment, relishing in the moment. And I can feel Scully's racing pulse against my lips, when I press my mouth to her neck. I suddenly can't breathe, can't think. I just want more. And I don't want this moment to end…but eventually, Scully begins to pull back, and I'm guessing that she is beginning to think more clearly now. She just looks up at me, and I suddenly just want to spill my guts to her. I want to tell her how I feel. I want to ask her if she feels it too. I just want to understand what the hell is happening to me lately.
Finally, I'm able to speak, but my voice sounds foreign to my own ears. "You're the first person that I've-"
"Stop." Scully interrupts me, with a shaky voice. Her eyes are the widest I have ever seen them, and she's doing that weird thing with her mouth, which she only ever really does when she's terrified of something.
One would think that 'I' would be the one trying to avoid this inevitable feeling that has unexpectedly developed here recently. Considering I have never experienced any of this before…and never really ever wanted to. But…I'm not. In fact, I'm not sure that I can go back now. And I'm also not sure that I even regret what's happened this year. If Scully would have let me finish, I was going to completely leave myself vulnerable…to the possibility that I'm beginning to fall for her. That maybe, I already have. I was going to say, "You're the first person that I've ever wanted like this. The first person that I've felt like I truly need in my life." But from the horrific look on her face, she doesn't seem to really be on the same page as me, and probably already knows what I was going to say. And that's okay. Why would someone like Dana Scully ever want someone like me? Mulder was her 'person'. And deep down, we both know he always will be.
"Dana…things are changing." I try again, but she is already vigorously shaking her head.
I swallow hard, and open my mouth again, but she's already backing away from me, so I'm just left standing there, with my heart beating wildly in my chest. I hate this feeling, but I love this fucking feeling. Why is this happening? And why do I feel like my world is both crashing down around me, but also like I'm on the best high of my life? I don't even want sex right now. I just want to touch her face, and tell her all my deepest darkest secrets. But, there is one secret that I'm sure she would forever hate me for, if I ever told her. And no matter how guilty I always feel about it, I just don't think I could ever look her in the eye ever again, if I told her.
"Please don't do this to me." She whispers, nervously running her tongue over her bottom lip, over and over again.
I'm suddenly so overcome with emotion myself, that my eyes are beginning to water, and I have to tightly squeeze them shut for a long moment. This is the first time in a very long time, that I have felt like I was on the verge of tears. And that's one thing that I will NOT let Scully see. Alex Krycek doesn't fucking cry. God, what is this woman doing to me? I am going to just say that it's the wine talking, and that I will be back to normal by morning. But I'm not really sure that that's the truth.
"Please don't shut me out now. Not when we need each other the most." I whisper back, nervously rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet.
"I'm sorry, Alex. But I can't do this. I-I just can't." Scully's voice quivers, and I'm pretty sure that she is on the verge of tears as well.
"Why not?" I blurt, taking one big desperate step closer to her.
I must admit, it feels pretty shitty to be put in the friend zone. Damn.
"Mulder-"She begins, and I quickly take a big step back.
"Mulder…" I repeat, with slight anger.
Scully just looks up at me, and I nod, clenching my jaw.
"Mulder is gone, Dana." I mumble through clenched teeth. Yeah, I just went there. And I don't care.
Scully takes a step forward, and one single tear escapes her watery eyes.
"I know that. I'm not in denial anymore. I-I know." She pauses, breathing heavily. "But things weren't supposed to be like…this…" She continues, and I can physically feel that blow to my chest. Ouch.
"Well, I'm sorry that I'm not Mulder!" I find myself raising my voice, and Scully jumps a little.
"Alex, please-"She reaches for me, but I pull back.
I heavily sigh, and unclench my fist at my side, hanging my head for a moment. "I know that you were supposed to be with Mulder. Everyone knew that. Mulder the saint. I always envied him, I really did. And I do even more now, than ever before. Because he has always had one really great thing by his side. Something I now want for myself. But I'm not Mulder, Dana. Not even close. And things are different now. You can't just push people away forever." I pause, and Scully is now nervously licking her lips again. "I didn't expect this to happen myself. But it did. And you need to ask yourself, why? Why did this happen? Please don't run from it, because it might just be exactly what you need."
Scully heavily sighs and folds her arms across her chest. I take it that she is letting me continue, so I do.
"You are not alone anymore. And I know that the person standing in front of you, is not exactly the person you expected to be with in the end, but this person cares for you." I pause, poking at my own chest. "Don't ask me why, because you are the most frustrating woman on this planet…" I pause, and Scully involuntarily chuckles at that, as do I. "I don't even know where I'm going with this, honestly. I just-I just know that something is blossoming. Whether we wanted it to or not. And I'm willing to see what happens next. But what I want to know is, are you?" I finish, and there is a long moment of tense silence between us.
"I-"Scully heavily sighs, and shrugs, shaking her head. "I don't know." She eyes me sympathetically, and I slowly nod.
At least she answered honestly, I'll give her that. But for some reason, I'm still getting this vibe from her. And I'm thinking that maybe, she might feel something. Even if it isn't as strong as what I'm feeling. And I also think that I'm willing to wait a little while, to see if she eventually gives in to whatever is happening between us. I'm just going to have to take the "I don't know", for now. Because honestly, it wasn't a 'no'. I think that I can live with that.
"I can live with that." I repeat out loud this time.
"Alex— "She begins, but I put my finger up to her lips, and she just looks up at me.
"Let's let it go for tonight, alright?" I whisper, and Scully slowly nods up at me.
"Mmhmm." She replies, looking thoroughly confused.
Scully anxiously eyes me, as I slowly lean over her, and kiss the top of her head. "Goodnight, Dana." I breathe, lingering a moment longer than necessary, before backing away.
Scully opens her mouth to speak, but says nothing, as she watches me walk into the next room to sleep for the night. I'm pretty sure I've affected her, in some way. And even know things haven't exactly turned out the way I wanted today, I can definitely live with the knowledge, that I have once again flustered Dana Scully.
XXX
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface...
Consuming, confusing…
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending…
Controlling, I can't seem…
To find myself again…
My walls are closing in..
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before…
So insecure…
Crawling in my skin…
These wounds, they will not heal…
Fear is how I fall…
Confusing what is real…
-Linkin Park
RIP Chester Bennington
A/N: I figured that it would be much better to wait and only write when I was feeling my muse, than to try and rush it just to get chapters in sooner, when I wasn't really feeling the motivation. If I posted half-assed chapters frequently, there would be no point in even attempting to finish this novel-length story, right? But if I sit down and write what small piece comes next when my inspiration randomly strikes, or when I have the time to thoroughly think things through, and slowly piece things together that way, even if it takes a while, then don't you think that your reading experience would be a lot more enjoyable? I want to do this one right. So, thank you for your patience! ; )