Breaking the Habit

Chapter 10

His words pretty much finished her off, reducing her to tears once more as she lowered herself back down on to the couch beside him and leaning into his embrace. He held her in the way that only he ever had, the way that helped her to feel safe and secure. It felt so good to be not only back in his arms, but to have their friendship back on an even keel. Being at each others throats as they had been she'd felt like she was losing him and coming so soon after the death of her mother, when things were already so complicated, that had felt like the end of the world to her, a fact she hesitantly shared with him.

He looked almost guilty when she said it, pulling her closer and kissing her forehead, a sad expression on his face, "Liv, you're not losing me. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, but," he added, giving a wry smile, "you make it much easier for me to be there for you when you actually confide in me."

Touché

"It was just difficult." She explained, "I was embarrassed about the drinking and the religious aspects of the case didn't help." She took a deep breath, "I need to explain to you, about Catholic school, about why I never told you."

He tried to silence her, tried to tell her that she didn't owe him any kind of explanation, but she had to tell him, feeling it was the only real barrier still between them. She pulled away from him and then choosing her words carefully, started to explain, "I couldn't tell you that I was educated in that way because of what it did to me. I know how important your faith is to you, and I wasn't going to trash it in front of you. Better to be disinterested by it than disgusted by it I thought." She didn't look at him as she said it because she was almost scared of his reaction, terrified they would end up in another fight because of it, but when Elliot's only response was silence she forced her eyes upwards warily, but to her surprise his eyes were full of sympathy.

"What did they do to you Liv?"

She shrugged, "You don't want to hear it."

He reached out, took her hands in his, "Yeah, I do."

In spite of his reassurances to the contrary she still wasn't sure that he did, but he was looking at her expectantly, waiting for an answer and so in the end she felt she had to give him one, even though her heart was in her throat as she did so, waiting, yet again for another argument to follow.

"I was only kid in the whole class without a father, which didn't matter so much to the other kids at 6 but the older we got, the more brainwashed they got, the more of an issue it became. I was an outsider in my class, and constantly persecuted by the nuns. My background made me rotten to the core in their eyes and they were determined to make me pay for it." She sighed, "Sins of the father and all that."

Elliot pulled her to him again, wrapped his arm around her shoulder, "I'm devout Liv, I believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church but even I can see that sometimes, the church takes the bible too literally, maybe even more so in the past." He smiled weakly, "I was looking over Deuteronomy after you out quoted me the other day, and you know there's a passage in their that suggests that a rapist's penance should be being forced to marry their victims." He stroked her hair, "Pretty ludicrous huh?"

She looked up at him, bemused by his comments, "Did my partner, Elliot Stabler, just refer to the bible as 'ludicrous'?"

He shook his head, "Not at all, just that particular literal interpretation of it. Liv, I'm not going to stop believing because you had a bad time at school, but that doesn't mean I'm not sympathetic to what you went through because it obviously really hurt you."

It felt good that they were able to have the conversation, even more so that they were able to have it without jumping down each other's throats. Perhaps, with the religion issue out in the open, they'd find it easier to deal with in the future. Olivia hoped so anyway.

"Anyway," Elliot said, breaking into her thoughts, "tell me what happened? How you and your school eventually parted ways."

Olivia felt herself blushing a little at his question, "They thought I was the spawn of the Devil and in the end I decided I might as well act that way. I got in to fights, piled on the make up, rolled up my skirts and made out with the janitor but my real piece de resistance, was getting my nose pierced for photo day. That was when I was asked to leave."

Elliot laughed, "I'm not surprised, but I bet it made you happy yeah?"

She nodded in response, remembering the cartwheels she'd turned when she'd finally been expelled. Her grandparents were livid, but she'd never been happier.

And that was all they really felt they needed to say on the subject and so they just stayed cuddled up in a companionable silence, feeling like a big black cloud had been lifted from over their friendship. Soon after the girls came back in to find out if Olivia was staying for dinner, and then Dickie and Elizabeth were finally allowed to join them, and although she knew it was only temporary Olivia loved being made part of their family, and spending a normal relaxed evening with them, particularly after all the traumas of the previous week.

It was only later that night, once the children had all gone to bed, and she returned from showering to find Elliot setting up the sofa bed for her that the subject of those traumas re arose.

"I've been thinking." Elliot said, as he threw the duvet over the makeshift bed and plumped up the pillows, "About what you said earlier; about your mom and photos of you. There's something I want you to see." He sat down on the bed, and patted the space beside him, and once she'd sat down next to him he took his wallet from his pocket, opened it and pulled out two photos he kept in the front. He handed the first picture to her and she wasn't surprised to see it was of Kathy and his four children. "This is my wife and kids." He said, although it needed no explanation. Then he handed her the second photo, "And this is my best friend."

She stared down the photo in her hand, and started to laugh, "Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment Elliot, but why the hell this photo?" She looked at it again, taking in her fishnet tights, garish make up, virtually non existent skirt and dangerously high stilettos, "I look like a working girl."

"It's the only one I've got." Elliot told her, laughing too then, "And I think that was the general idea. We were on an operation in the red light district. It was the night I was playing your pimp."

She shook her head, "Well, classy. But seriously El, why have a photo of me at all?"

"Because" he replied gently, and suddenly the tone of the conversation was serious once more, "you're a huge part of my life Liv, why wouldn't I have it?"

Her eyes filled with tears again then as she was overwhelmed by the tenderness in his voice and how much he obviously cared about her. She handed the photo back to him, "Thank you."

He leant over then, kissed her on the cheek, "No, thank you for being my partner and my friend." He hugged her, "You should get into bed, and then I've got something else to show you. Although," he grinned, "only if you promise not to cry again."

He disappeared from the room then, and while he was gone, Olivia did as he'd suggested and climbed under the covers, suddenly drained and exhausted and ready to sleep. Even without closing her eyes she knew it was going to be a more restful night than any of the others that had preceded it.

Elliot returned, perching on the bed beside her and then handing her a crumpled piece of lined paper. She stared down at it and read the title out loud.

"My role model by Maureen Stabler." She looked at her partner, a little bemused, "What is this?"

He grinned, "Read on."

"My role model is my dad's partner Olivia. She's works with my dad solving crimes, and he says she's really tough but also really kind to the people who get hurt. She carries a badge and gun and is real good at kicking bad guys asses." She laughed slightly, glancing at Elliot, "When did she write this?"

"When she was 11."

She carried on reading, a smile spreading across her face, "I think it's cool that she can be so hard and rough but still be really pretty. She has the most fabulous clothes and really funky hair. I hope I can be like Olivia when I grow up because she's amazing." Her voice cracked a little at the end and as hard as she tried to stop it a tear slipped down her cheek.

"I said no crying." Elliot chided her gently, "Tough girls who kick bad guys asses aren't allowed to cry." He wiped the tear from her face, "Don't ever think you've got nothing to pass on Liv, because it's a million miles away from being true. My kids adore you, and don't you forget it."

*** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU **

Olivia woke next morning to find the sun streaming through the Stabler's living room windows and Maureen standing in the doorway with a mug of coffee in her hand. She sat up, wincing slightly, although noting that her headache wasn't as bad as it had been the last few mornings. She smiled at Maureen, remembering the essay from the night before all over again,

"Hey, come on in."

Maureen handed Olivia the coffee and then sat on the edge of the bed just as Elliot had the night before. "I thought you could use some."

Olivia took the mug from her, drinking from it gratefully since although it wasn't the worst hangover she'd had that week, the coffee was still both needed and appreciated it. As she drank she became aware that Maureen was watching her closely, looking like she wanted to say something, and eventually when Olivia's mug was empty, she finally plucked up the courage to do so.

"Are you better today?"

Olivia nodded, because she did feel better. She was still ashamed of everything that had happened in the early part of the day before, but the talk with Elliot had done wonders, so much so that she regretted the fact she'd not confided him before. "Much better thank you." She cleared her throat nervously, "Maureen, the state I was in yesterday, I'm so embarrassed you saw me looking that way."

The younger girl smiled, "Don't be embarrassed. You just lost your mom. If my mom had just died, I'd probably have gotten drunk too."

She knew the girl was only trying to reassure her, but somehow the acknowledgement of how obviously drunk she'd been just made her feel worse, especially since she knew that at one point she'd been her role model; it just made her feel like the mighty fallen.

"I just don't want you to think," she said softly, "that getting drunk is acceptable. Its not."

Maureen smiled, "You don't think my mom and dad drill that into me ALL the time? I know it's not acceptable, but I also know people do it, for all kinds of reasons."

"Do you drink?" Olivia asked her hesitantly, wondering if she might get told to mind her own business, but instead Maureen just nodded in response,

"Sometimes, when I'm out with my friends, yeah, I do."

Olivia thought back to the day before, to the bar and to 'Jesus'; how close she'd come to letting him do something she'd have lived to regret. She took a deep breath, "Just promise me that you'll always be careful if you get drunk ok? Never let anyone take advantage of the state you're in."

"I promise." Maureen replied, looking at Olivia knowingly, "Is that what happened to you yesterday? Did someone hurt you?"

"I can't talk to you about that." Olivia said firmly, because there was no way she was about to share that story with anyone, least of all her partner's daughter, "But if you're ever drunk and someone hassles you, you call me ok. And I'll kick their ass and then take you home."

Maureen laughed then, "Dad told me you read my essay but," her smile faded, as she acknowledged the seriousness of what Olivia was saying, "Of course I'll call you. I'll try never to get in that position anyway of course, but if I need you, I'll pick up the phone and call."

She didn't want to patronize Maureen, but Olivia was so impressed by her maturity that she felt she had to say something.

"I'm so proud of you." She said hesitantly, "You've turned into such a beautiful young woman, both inside and out. Don't ever let anything change you will you, because you're wonderful."

Maureen smiled, "That means a hell of a lot coming from you. I think you're amazing. I always have."

"This is turning into quite a love fest." Elliot said, appearing in the room, which no doubt, Olivia figured, he'd been eavesdropping outside of the whole time. He looked at Olivia, "You got any more advice for my daughter; she obviously looks up to you."

Olivia opened her mouth to say that she'd got nothing, but then she realized that if nothing else the last week had left her with one piece of wisdom she could pass on.

"Don't be scared to ask for help if you need it," She said to Maureen, although it was Elliot's eyes she met as she did so, "let your friends in, let them be there for you and remember that they only ever get pissed at you because they care."

*** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU **

Olivia was the first one in work the next day, determined to get on top of the paperwork that she'd let slip over the previous week and to prove to her squad once and for all that she was back on form. That said, before she got on with her paperwork there was one other thing she wanted to do, a task she'd just completed when Elliot walked through the door to the squad room.

He smiled when he saw her, greeting her warmly, a real turn around from the way things had been. As he sat at his desk she got up from her own and went to perch on his, suddenly feeling a little shy and awkward. Elliot must have sensed as much because he smiled at her reassuringly, "What's up Liv?"

"I got you something." She said, faltering slightly, before pushing the wallet sized photo she'd just printed into his hands, "I hope you don't mind, but I was wondering if you'd replace the hooker picture with this one." She bit her lip, feeling slightly overwhelmed, "It would mean a lot to me."

Elliot looked down at the picture, smiling as he saw the image of the younger Olivia in uniform, holding up her badge, "This is your academy graduation photo right?"

She nodded, too close to tears to risk speaking. She'd taken the picture of the photo she'd brought for her mother the night before, shrinking it on the computer and printing it when she'd arrived at work that morning. Now she felt a bit silly for asking Elliot to keep it but at the same time, it felt good too, just to have someone to ask.

He took his wallet out of his pocket and with another smile slotted the photo into it, "I'd love to have it Liv. It would be an absolute honor." He must have sensed she was close to tears because he followed up with a joke, "But the hooker photo stays too, cos you look hot in those stilettos."

They were laughing over his comment when the Captain walked through the door, and although normally finding two detectives in a warm embrace might not have been appropriate, Cragen couldn't help smiling as he saw them,

"Ah, good. Back to normal are we?" He asked, referring as much to the fact that Olivia looked bright eyed and ready for work, as much as the apparently renewed friendship between the two of them. Olivia figured as much because she quickly moved away from Elliot and approached her boss.

"Sir, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. It hasn't been a good week and I haven't been myself, and I'm aware of that, and I promise it won't happen again."

He smiled at her warmly, shaking her apologies away, "Olivia, its fine. You've broken the habit, that's all that matters.

THE END.

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