When they started to be seriously cold, they gave up and walked back to the hotel. Antonio insisted on following Lovino up to his door, to be polite he said, though Lovino was pretty sure it was an excuse to spend a few minutes more with him. It was a heart-warming thought Lovino wasn't used to let slip in. But Antonio looked so happy that evening, so warm and soft, that it was simply too good not to embrace completely.

"So good night, then." said Antonio, when arrived in front of the dreaded door.

Lovino smiled, and instantly blushed in shame of letting his emotions show so much at a time. He looked down in reflex. "Yeah, good night, Antonio." His voice came out a bit too shy, of course. He heard Antonio sigh with contentment, then felt him lean closer and closer, and before he could react warm lips touched his temple, then drew back in a faint pecking noise. Lovino's face was burning already. He hesitantly looked up to meet deep, smily green eyes. The moment seemed to last forever. So many thoughts crossed Lovino's mind and Antonio's gaze, so many gestures and words Lovino attempted, but withdrawed before even trying. Soon it became too embarrassing, and Lovino's only instinct was to flee.

He swiftly fumbled for the doorknob behind him, tried to open, then remembered there was a code. He blushed even brighter, if possible, mortified by Antonio's amused look following each of his movements. In a quick motion, and surprising focus of the mind, he dialed the code and this time succeeded opening the door. Then, only, dared he turning to face Antonio again. The man's smile widened when their gazes met again. He shone so much it seemed like he could light up the whole corridor all by himself for what Lovino knew, he was just so handsome, so caring, so endearing...

"Goodnight." Lovino quickly said, and he hurried inside, the feeling of Antonio's lips still burning a lingering sensation on his temple. Oh, how Lovino longed to feel this everywhere, Antonio's lips and palms touching him, covering his whole body if possible, until nothing mattered anymore, only his voice against Lovino's neck, his arms around his frame, and everything around was safe and warm.

Lovino shaked his head. This was getting ridiculous. He would have to find a way to recollect his thoughts, because he really felt like he was losing his mind. Feeling too much was dangerous. Lovino always prefered to mildly like people, to accept them most warmly, to love them even, for a few chosen ones, but never like that. Never ever Lovino suffered to feel so much, to fall so completely, because people were not safe, people were not reliable, and terrible things happened, things that made it just not worth Lovino's fragile tenderness. He had experienced it again, so recently, with Feliciano. Lovino couldn't stand loving people too much.

The thought reminded him he had to call his brother. He checked the time on his phone; it wasn't very late after eleven, so he decided to try calling now. It would be a good distraction, after all.

Feliciano answered after three rings, a tired voice greeting Lovino on the other end of the line.

"Hey Feli. How do you feel ?" Lovino asked, his voice softer than he would want it, only he couldn't really control it when it was Feli talking, the one little man he could have lost, the one who was still pretty damaged by the whole thing.

"I'm fine, plese," Feli's slightly annoyed voice answered. "Don't worry so much. You know I'm doing good. What's up ?"

"Uhm, actually, I just noticed Christmas is coming, and I was wondering what you're gonna do ?"

"Ah !" Feliciano said, and didn't add anything for a moment. "Ludwig and I'll go to Germany, you know, with Ludy's family." his voice suddenly sounded more excited. "Isn't it great, Lovino ? Do you think it means a step, or something ? Ludwig's so solemn about things, and now he's asked me to officially meet his family ?"

Lovino smiled in the dark of the room. He had forgotten to turn on the lights, and had just now noticed.

"Yeah, Feli, that's definitely something. Are you, you know...nervous, or something ?"

There was a pause. "I don't think so. I love him, you know ? I'm more glad than I am nervous. Yeah. I'm glad. Hey, Lovi, I could ask, do you want to come along ?"

Lovino grimaced. "No, please Feli, no, don't ask !" He said hastily. "Don't be silly, I can't come, it's too late, and, oh God, too awkward ! Please don't do that. Feli, no, I mean it!" he pleaded, though he was certain Feliciano wasn't listening anymore, the idea was there and struck into his strange little head.

"I'll let you know !"

"Feli !"

They talked for a few minutes more before Feliciano hung up, with the promise to make plans for their holidays, then Lovino was left alone in his room, awkward but happy about the light tone in his brother's voice and at least distracted from Antonio.

Antonio...

.

The next few days passed in a flash, as the pressure slowly built up on set because of the deadlines and the holidays coming. It was kind of unusual in the job, but Eliza insisted on taking at least a few days for Christmas for everyone to cool down. After that, they would only have about a month or so to finish filming before the edition teams took over.

Just when Lovino started to feel emotional about the filming ending soon, it was Christmas time already. On set, the mood had been increasingly building up until everybody seemed so tired and so excited it was more than time to take a break. Gilbert had even handsewn (he insisted on that part) a little santa hat for his bird, and the little thing didn't seem to complain about that intruding piece of fabric on its head. Actually, it appeared quite content. It was a mystery for Lovino, and most people on set. Lovino suspected Gilbert to take extra credit from that fact, judging by the way he proudly wandered around with the little santa bird exposed on his shoulder.

When Eliza ended the last shooting before holidays, everyone shared a drink at some place, then each left in their own direction to spend some time with personal friends and families.

Lovino soon left for Paris, and spent three days laying on Feli's couch shamelessly watching Christmas movies with him, and occasionally observing him painting.

Feliciano was mostly well now. Lovino was very glad to be able to watch over him for a while. He had become a little skinnier, something Lovino was working on erasing by cooking everyday for him. His smile was still as bright and candid, thankfully, yet his paintings were darker. He didn't talk much about it. Like he always did, Feliciano hid his inner thoughts and exposed only cheerfullness and light chatter. Sometimes, he would look for long periods of time out of his living room window, and his eyes looked as grey as Paris outside. It was then that Lovino searched for holiday films, made tea or hot chocolate maybe, and waited for his brother to look at him to ask him to join him on the couch.

Mostly, everything was alright.

Against Lovino's will, as predicted, Feliciano had imposed him at Ludwig's Christmas Eve dinner, so they left Paris on the morning of the 24th of December, and after two hours in a train they were in Berlin, where Ludwig came to pick them.

The big guy laughed when he saw their arms full of neatly wrapped packets.

"Feli panicked a bit." Lovino explained flatly, gladly accepting Ludwig's help.

Ludwig looked all merry, his hair was a bit ruffled by the wind (a very unusual look on the man) and his cheeks were rosy. When Feliciano kissed his cheek as a greeting, two packets fell from his arms. They looked all cheesy and ridiculous, and that made Lovino happy. At least, some people were worse than he was.

A short car trip led them all to Ludwig's childhood home. It was a medium and charming house, typically German, located just outside the city, with cute windows and a well kept garden. There was no snow, as one would have expected from Germany, though it was freezing and very dry outside.

Since his hands were full, Ludwig knocked at the door with an elbow.

When the door opened, Lovino almost dropped his presents. Gilbert was standing on Ludwig's porch, with chocolate on the nose, and his bird sealed on the shoulder as usual.

"Whoa, isn't that Lovino ! What are you doing here ?" he exclaimed, loud as ever.

Ludwig's eyes made a few round-trips between the two of them.

"Wait, you know each other ?"

"Oh my God, do we talk so little in our families ?" Lovino expired, bemused.

"Uh, Lovino, that's my brother Gilbert. So, care to explain ?"

Lovino looked at Feliciano. "Did you know that ? Couldn't you tell me ?"

"Tell you what ? I don't know !"

"He's like my boss !"

"Boss ! I like that ! I should note it, wait !" Gilbert concluded, and ran inside. He was probably serious about that last point.

Feliciano was the first to speak again after he left. "Of course ! You did tell me your brother was working on a film, ha !" he said, staring at his boyfriend with an amused look.

Ludwig was just shaking his head slowly. "Let's go inside, it's cold out there."

.

In the late afternoon arrived another surprise : Elizavèta, and her husband, were apparently invited too.

As Lovino recalled from what Antonio had told him, all of them were basically a big family, something they had build out of choices, since most of them were kind of left alone without much real families to stick with.

Eliza and Roderich were classier than ever, all ready for a sophisticated party. Glancing around, Lovino confirmed that they were kind of alone about this.

"I know, right ! But you know, Lovi, with these guys, if I don't decide myself to do what I want anyway, I can wait all my life, see ?" was the only explanation Eliza bothered advancing.

Consequently, the people included in the party were Ludwig, Gilbert, their Grandfather, who was the only family left for them, Feliciano, Lovino himself, Elizavèta, and Roderich. Ludwig's Grandfather a was calm and observing man. He had very long, blond hair, and the same eyes as Ludwig's, only more piercing somehow. He stayed on a chair at the end of the long central table that occupied the living room. Lovino'd had plenty of time to visit around. There was the living room, then on the right were a few descending steps leading to a small, cozy salon, where was installed a smaller Christmas tree than the large, impressive one sitting in the living room. There was a leather couch, a red, fluffy carpet, a massive bookcase, and a fireplace that was lit up by a warm, crackling fire. In that small salon, like in most rooms, all timbers were exposed from the ceiling, giving the place a big authentic aspect.

It was a warm home. The kitchen was quite rustic, too, but mirroring the other rooms in that way. The whole place smelled of all the cooking mixed in the kitchen, and wooden fire, and pine trees. It was almost comical how much the whole house screamed of Christmas. Lovino didn't even think he could recall anything like that from his childhood.

In the kitchen, Feli bounced back and forth, preparing cookies and stirring sauces in a green apron. He had practically jumped to help with the cooking as soon as they had arrived at the end of the morning. Roderich was helping him now, along with Ludwig. Lovino had spent his fair share of time in the kitchen, too, around noon. There was so much to do for such a small assembly, Lovino was certain they were preparing enough to feed Ludwig and Gilbert's Grandfather for a month after Christmas Eve at least.

In the living room, Eliza and Gilbert were chatting loudly, a bit about everything and a lot about the film, from what Lovino could hear. Ludwig's Grandfather, whose actual name Lovino didn't know in the end, since Gilbert had insisted on telling him to call him "Germania", since it was his nickname among the family (due to him being the patriarch of a German family, as a reference to the origins of the country. Lovino also discovered that Gilbert himself loved to be called a Prussian.), was still sitting at the same spot, reading a big, leather-covered book.

Lovino went to sit by the fire in the salon, and spent a long time alone there, reading the book he had brought with him.

.

Around 8 o'clock, the doorbell rang, and Lovino could hear Gilbert's rough voice shouting very cheerful welcomings. Curious, he lent an ear to the place where the voices came from.

Then, he heard people moving around in the living room, greeting the new voice, which sounded terribly familiar to Lovino.

His throat went tight, as he wondered if he should get up and go see for himself.

Was Antonio there ? And why would he be ? Ludwig had told him they weren't expecting anyone else.

Lovino felt out of place suddenly, alone on that leather couch, away from everyone, and if Antonio was there, oh, that couldn't be good...

"Hi ! Oh, you're Antonio ? Hi !" It was Feliciano's voice.

Terror hit Lovino, harder than before. Harsh memories rushed behind his eyes. Hurting, lingering old bitterness, self-confidence issues, jealousy smashed his guts, forcing him to sit back in the couch, and put his hands to his face.

That was it. Antonio had met Feliciano. Everything was over. All the evenings spent walking just the two of them on that little beach, all the looks and smiles that were only for him, now Lovino would probably get nothing ever again.

Because, oh, that was stupid, an old circle of comparison between the two brothers that came from childhood, from teenage years, and it was mostly Lovino's thoughts, really, but still a dark part of him believed strongly even up to these days that Feliciano was the good one.

He was.

People always preferred Feli. He was so easy, and funny and outgoing, and cute, too, he was everything Lovino had never been. And always, they went to him first, or changed their minds the moment they met him. And the worst part was, Lovino couldn't blame them. He himself adored his brother for all these reasons. Lovino knew he was on the contrary bad with people. He had major social issues, and had always been struggling with his feelings. It was part of the reason why he had become an actor: Lovino needed to escape himself in order to survive.

He rubbed his eyes, trying very hard not to cry. It had been a while, since the last time he had felt this way. It was stupid. He did feel like his 17 years old self, lost and hating himself for everything he was.

He focused on the sounds of the living room, again. Antonio was laughing cheerfully.

Lovino had to bit his lip not to tear up this time. It was awful how jealous he was, how possessive, over someone that wasn't even close to mean anything to him, or something.

And yet. Lovino couldn't shake away the image of Antonio's smile under a dark pink sky, his hair waving with the wind, with a background roaring of the waves that mirrored Lovino's crying heart.

It had mostly been nothing more than stolen moments. A cup of coffee, a walk, a scene played together. A dance. A kiss.

Lovino got up on trembling legs, and decided to force himself to walk up the the other room. If he stayed hidden any longer, things would probably get even worse when he was discovered. He kept his chin up, and entered slowly the living room.

Antonio, Gilbert and Feliciano were talking in half a circle, in the middle of the room. Antonio looked at Feliciano with too fond eyes, a gaze Lovino had dared to think only for him.

But then he looked up, and noticed Lovino at the entrance, and his face changed to something unreadable. Lovino hoped it was happiness, because, really, himself was very happy to see him. Even in such circumstances, just by knowing him there, by seeing him standing in the same room as himself, half of Lovino's angsty thoughts seemed to vanish away.

After what seemed to last forever, Antonio smiled, smaller than usual, then seemed to hesitate a little, and finally left the group to walk up to him.

"Hi." he said in a quiet, careful voice when arriving near Lovino.

"Uh, hi." Lovino stammered out. Then he felt like he should add something, since there was a pause too long. "Uh...how come you're here..?" good job, Lovino, now he's gonna think you don't want him around.

"Well," Antonio began with a voice close to his usual one. He for some reason sounded nervous that night. "I did tell you I didn't have plans. And Gil had told me I could come anytime. He's like that, you know." He smiled softly and nodded in Gilbert's general direction.

Lovino felt like he should say something like 'I'm glad you're here' but of course he wasn't brave enough. He rubbed a hand to his neck.

"So you've met my brother..?" he asked nervously.

"Yeah, Feliciano, isn't it ? I'm glad he looks in better shape !" Antonio said with a good-willed smile. "He seems nice. He seems very different from you though, am I wrong ?"

Lovino's thoughts were menacing again. Very different indeed. He looked down. "Yeah."

There was a pause before Antonio spoke again. "Lovino, what's the matter ?" his voice was suddenly incredibly soft. Like the night Lovino had fallen crying into his arms.

He couldn't tell him.

"..What ? Uh, nothing, it's nothing. So, Feli's been cooking all day, thankfully we'll have plenty to eat tonight !"

Antonio smiled, but only with his lips. Lovino was amazed about how he seemed to always be capable of reading the man's expressions like he had known him for years. And once again, he felt that crushing feeling of needing to tell him so much more, that feeling that there was a gap in communication between them, even if both always seemed to try so much.

Since that conversation was once again becoming frankly awkward, Lovino went to take seat at the large table, and soon Ludwig came from the kitchen with a huge plate where laid the turkey.

.

N/A If I don't post anything 'til then, happy holidays !

Welp, finally this chapter is up. Caused me much trouble, since it's a kinda transitionary, thoughtful chapter. I wasn't sure where I wanted it to go, plus I hesitated like forever between two plots for later, and meanwhile I came up with so many side fics ideas and I was drowning in exams SO it took me a while to post it. To write it, even. I hope you like it, that the wait was worth it C: . Take care~

(also yey, a chapter with decent length for once !)