Chapter 10: Let's face it!

The Temple of Blind Io was endowed with all the fittings the main shrine of a supreme deity usually requires, and then some. The pillars carried luxuriously carved capitals which had puzzled scholars for centuries in that they seemed to depict a species of Fourecksian rodent which would have been unknown on the Sto Plains at the time the temple was built. There were gilded candleholders, frisky frescos, chill marble statues and more incense burners than the health and safety regulations of more organized universes would have allowed. And there were putti. Rather a lot of putti. Angelina, seated at the front of the nave next to her husband, found herself gradually unnerved by exposure to so much cherubial bum cheek. She fixed her gaze on the main altar, where her brother stood next to a pale young man with a mane of flamboyant brown curls.

"I'm surprised Henry has asked Joaquin to be his Best Man," she whispered to Havelock. "I would have thought he'd choose Felix. He could always have found another organist. Joaquin is someone we barely know."

"I cannot begin to attempt to fathom the reasons behind your brother's decisions," he replied.

Angelina began to feel that the disadvantage of sitting in the front row was the distance from the entrance and the fact that pretty much everybody else sat behind her. This sheltered her from Chas, should he be in the congregation, as she was pretty sure he would be, but beyond that it was most inconvenient indeed. Standing up to look around was out of the question; Miss Winter wouldn't have deemed it proper, and Lady Vetinari most emphatically couldn't do such a thing, but every now and then she turned her head and craned her neck to take another glance at the assembly.

"I can't see Cassandra anywhere," she murmured in Havelock's ear. "Can you?"

Lord Vetinari rose from his seat. Leisurely, he made his way across to the other side, the hem of his robe gently swinging. There he stood for a couple of minutes, while he leaned on the top of his cane with both hands, and made polite conversation with Mrs Hingh. The lady was too flattered by this gesture of distinction, and fancying the eyes of every person in the room on herself she hardly noticed that the gentleman's attention seemed to be drawn more by the sight of the congregation than by her words. After a while, he made a slight bow and returned to his place beside his wife.

"She is not here," he said, "and neither is your brother Robert."

"What could have happened?" said Angelina, alarm rising in her voice. Vetinari shrugged.

"A traffic pile up, I would imagine. Or possibly, they had their carriage clamped by Sergeant Colon."

"But they could just walk."

"Ah, yes, you know what it's like: Leaving the house too late and finding the carriage unavailable, then setting off at a run, overtaking a couple of joggers on the way and dropping the sash. I expect they'll arrive here at the same time as the bride and we'll see Cassandra walking in with the back of her dress open all the way down to her knickers."

Angelina stared at him. He blinked.

"Did I just say that?" he asked.

"You did. What on the Disc came over you?"

"I don't know. Never mind. I'm sure there is a perfectly harmful explanation for it."

They were prevented from pursuing this topic further by the swishing noise made by two-hundred festively dressed people rising from their seats. Seconds later Felix's hands came down on the manual and the tune of the wedding march filled the room. At least, it filled such spaces as were not currently occupied by wedding guests, furniture or decorative bits of architecture. At ground level, there wasn't a lot of that, and so the music was forced to hover precariously over the heads of the congregation. Since her place wasn't near the aisle, Angelina was now completely prevented from seeing anything apart from the gowns of the nearest ladies. If there were any murmurs of wonder among the guests, they were drowned out by the organ. Therefore surprise hit her - not quite literally but close enough - straight in the face when at last she saw that not one but two couples had walked to the altar. There was Mr Hingh with a radiant Tvoolia on his arm, and next to him Robert Winter with Cassandra. Henry and Joaquin stepped forward simultaneously and received the ladies. All four turned to face the priest, while the two older men shuffled back and sat down.

Angelina looked at Vetinari, who shrugged.

"You always told me your sister was good at keeping a secret."

"But not from me!"

"There's a first time for everything, or so they say."

Hughnon Ridcully gave them a reproachful glance and they ceased their whispered conversation and watched in silence as this man and this woman and this man and this woman were joined in holy matrimony, without parsimony or need for alimony, but with all due ceremony that befitted their patrimony. 1)

The Temple of Blind Io had been built with two side entrances each to the left and to the right, not so much in a providential anticipation of the need for emergency exits, but for ceremonial purposes. It was felt that the appearance of a procession of choir boys from the wings lent a certain dramatic flair to the rituals. In this case, however, it was just as well that a variety of escape routes was available, because when the two newly married couples turned towards their assembled wedding guests, their eyes were drawn to the entrance and the smiles froze on their faces. 2)

1) Attempts to include further words ending in –mony into this sentence were finally abandoned by the author when a serious migraine set in.

2) Olaf Quimby II has taken on a new persona and now hassles me in the guise of my beta. So let it be said that this is, indeed, an abysmal metaphor. Fortunately, I can at least wash my hands of having invented it.

~oOoOo~

Two hours later the Winter brothers had succeeded in rounding up most of the wedding guests, after Henry had decreed that Tvoolia wouldn't be done out of her reception for a second time. The crowd thus assembled in the ball room of the Assassin's Guild may have looked a little less festive than wedding parties generally do, what with some of the ladies having lost hats or even shoes in the affray and many of the gentlemen having loosened their bow ties during flight and not yet having had the presence of mind to tighten them again, but the grim determination of the bridegroom 3) to make the event a success prompted people to aspire at least to broad, if somewhat forced smiles - when they thought Henry was looking, at any rate. Conversation, however, was decidedly incongruent.

"And Cassandra is looking so radiant! Well, I've always said she is the most delightful girl in the world."

"Yes, very true. Well, I'm glad this is such a sturdy building. Do you think it can get in here?"

"No, the doors are barred."

"Tvoolia's gown is just delightful!"

"Indeed. Not even King Shul in all his splendour was dressed so beautifully. Shocking thing to have this monster appear in the middle of the ceremony!"

"I say, Lord Vetinari would never have put up with this kind of thing! But Downey just doesn't –"

"Oh, let's not talk politics, this is a wedding! The music was just wonderful; it brought a tear to my eye."

"I've never had such a fright in my life. What is it? Do you think it is really dangerous?"

"The Watch will take care of it, I'm sure. Who are these three girls that all look the same?"

"Tvoolia's younger sisters, I believe. Quite frankly, I think they're terrible brats. What outrageous outfits and the way they - ah, Mrs Hingh, we were just talking about your charming daughters. You must be so proud!"

"What beautiful table decorations! Pink roses are my favourite flowers."

"The smell of it! The smell of it was just awful."

"I saw it heading up Broadway. It's probably left the city by now."

"What makes you think that?"

"I think we're supposed to sit down now. Have you seen which table you're at?"

Once the wedding party was settled for their meal, Mrs Hingh dominated most of the conversation in her immediate vicinity with a eulogy on her wonderful new son-in-law.

"Such a charming young man, you know, and very, very clever. And so accomplished with his hands, why, he's even managed to fix my spectacles. I was quite distraught that the rivet had come out, and I had put them on the table in the parlour not knowing what to do, and when I came downstairs after getting changed, there he was in the most obliging manner in the world, fastening in the rivet of my spectacles. The rivet came out, you know, this morning. So very obliging!"

Angelina sat musing about Reverend Ridcully's sermon on loyalty. Her bad conscience nibbled at her mind with the same persistence with which she nibbled at the marinated chicken wings. 4) It was hard to say whether the discomfort of her feelings was the result of conscience or of hormones.Just when she had come to the conclusion that she really ought to tell Havelock, she saw Constantin Greenaway approaching and leaning over his shoulder.

"We have not managed to apprehend it, sir," he whispered.

Havelock rose from his seat.

"I need to go, Angelina," he said. "Make my apologies, please, and see to it that someone takes you home."

She turned and grabbed his wrist.

"But Havelock! Where are you going?"

"There is some form of ambulant cesspit walking about my city. Don't you think that's more important than hearing the father of the bride give a cheesy speech?"

He glanced down at her hand with a slight air of irritation.

"Wait!" she said. "I need to talk to you urgently."

She stood up and led him into a quiet corner of the room, behind an enormous vase of delphiniums.

"What is it?" he said, visibly impatient. Angelina bit her lip, then took the plunge.

"I betrayed you," she said.

His face remained blank.

"Did you? How so?"

"I let Chas kiss me."

Vetinari raised both eyebrows. Then he rubbed his beard thoughtfully.

"And did that experience further fuel your desire that you were married to him rather than me?"

"Havelock! That was just said in the heat of the moment. I didn't mean it!"

"But nevertheless you kissed him?"

"I let him kiss me. There is a difference."

"Is there? Well, you should know. I am puzzled as to why you are telling me this. Do you or do you not want to continue being married to me?"

"Of course I do! But I – "

"Then why did you bring up this whole subject in the first place? Were you looking for some tearful scene of confession and absolution? Angelina, I really haven't time for this kind of drama at the moment. If you feel guilty about your lack of self-control, I'm afraid you'll have to seek your own way of dealing with that. I find the task of saving the city from an anthropomorphic personification of the river or whatever it may be a little more pressing. We can speak about it some more later, if you wish."

With this, he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and briskly deprived the party of his company. Angelina gave a heartfelt sigh. Then she noticed that the throng around the buffet table had thinned out. She walked over and picked up another plate.

3) One of the bridegrooms I should say, really, but Joaquim is so easily forgotten, being the kind of person who is mostly just dragged along.

4) One may ponder on the significance of this remarkable coincidence that once again marinated chicken wings had found their way onto her plate at a wedding reception. Or one may just dismiss it, of course.

~oOoOo~

There was a tinkling noise. It was caused by a number of tiny golden charms that were attached to a bracelet, which in turn adorned the chubby wrist of a dwarf. The dwarf was Corporal Cheery Littlebottom of the Ankh-Morpork city watch, and she had set the bracelet charms in motion when she had reached up to her face to rub her beard. Beside her, Lance-constable Greenaway exhaled sharply.

They stood on the junction of Short Street and Heroes Street, the venue of a popular street market. It looked as if it wasn't going to be so very popular in the foreseeable future.

"Holy cow!" exclaimed Greenaway.

The debris was reminiscent of the scene after a hurricane. Stalls had been knocked to the ground, their timber splintered, their goods strewn all over the place. Foul smelling puddles filled every dip in the street surface. A lamppost was snapped just above ground level. It had fallen into the display window of the shop behind, leaving a glittering halo of glass shards on the pavement. A little further along the street, several hundred broken eggs formed a slimy miniature ocean.

Here and there, people were crawling out from under the wreckage. It seemed that there were no deaths to mourn, but broken limbs, cuts and bruises were in plentiful supply. The Lady Sybil Free Hospital would see a lot of patients before the day was out.

Corporal Littlebottom and Lance-constable Greenaway began to proceed across the disaster area. Unbidden like a flu virus, Sacharissa Cripslock had appeared beside them, notebook in hand, and kept pace with genteel little steps.

"Good afternoon, officers," she chirped. "This is A Scene Of Carnage. I'm thinking of No Th-Ankh You as the main headline. Does the Watch have any lead yet?"

Cheery Littlebottom gave her a look which indicated that she considered Sacharissa's pun to be only marginally less distasteful than the cause of the current catastrophe. She stared at the putrid puddles that had been left in the wake of destruction. It wasn't her fault if Miss Cripslock couldn't see a lead when it was right under her nose.

"All roads lead to the river," she mumbled to herself. "All the big ones anyway. It said its name was Ankh. It didn't seem evil as such. Did you see that expression in its face? Like a little lost puppy. I wonder what it wanted here?"

She shook her head slowly.

"I think it must have lost patience. Up to here it has avoided walking into anything. And then it just...went for it."

"But it only made of water!" said Greenaway.

"Rather substantial water," said Cheery. "Have you ever seen a mudslide? I'm from up in the mountains. Seen it lots of time in the spring. When you've got a whole avalanche of muddy water coming down a slope, everything in its way just gets razed to the ground."

Absentmindedly, she picked up a half-rotted pizza carton from the ground.

"This is going to be...interesting," she said.