Jess' Perspective on the Lake Incident

by StartWhereYouAreUseWhatYouHave

Some behind the scenes moments, mostly between Luke and Jess, that I would have liked to have seen on the show. Most focus on Jess' early days staying with Luke and his adjustment to trusting Luke and accepting him as his family. A few will be set later in the show or post-series. Constructive criticism is warmly welcomed and thank you to all who have reviewed so far.

10. Chapter 10 - California Dreamin'

Chapter 10 Notes: This chapter is set around the end of Jess' senior year. There are a few AU elements here that I should warn you about. In this story, Jess hadn't missed a significant amount of school before Jimmy showed up. He was working at Walmart, but only during non-school hours, so he was still on track to graduate and Luke never 'stole' his car. I think everything else is the same. I may do a Part 2 where Jess and Luke discuss what happened in California, but I felt like I had reached a good ending point for this chapter. As always, many thanks to the readers who have taken the time to review my little story.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Luke lunged at his night stand, quickly picking up his cell phone and looking at the screen. Unknown Caller. He sighed. He put himself through this every time his phone rang. He answered anyway, just in case. It was two o'clock in the morning. It had to be important. "Hello?" He was greeted by a monotone prerecorded message and was about to hang up until he realized what the voice was saying. Would he like to accept charges for a collect call from Des Moines County Jail from…...here there was a pause and then Jess' voice, low and tired stating his name, followed by the start of a nasty sounding cough that was cut off by the end of the recording. "Yes! Yes, I'll accept!" Luke sat up in bed, his heart hammering in his chest. There was a click and then a beat of silence, and for a terrible moment Luke thought they had been cut off. That he wouldn't get to find out if Jess was ok or what was going on. A second later, he heard Jess' voice, "Luke? Luke, I'm so sorry." The boy sounded distraught. "I didn't know who else to call."

"Jess! Jess, it's ok. I'm glad you called me. Are you all right? What's going on? Why are you in jail?" Luke could feel himself starting to panic. Jail. Jesus. What had the kid done?

"I'm ok. I was…...uh…...arrested for trespassing."

"Trespassing? In Des Moines? What were you doing?" Luke wasn't sure if he was asking what Jess was doing trespassing, or what he was doing in Iowa. He just knew he needed to try to make sense out of this situation.

"Yeah. I was…uh…sleeping in the ATM vestibule of a bank. I guess someone wanted to use the ATM without some homeless guy in there with them and called the cops-" whatever else he was going to say was cut off by two loud, startling coughs.

"Oh, Jess…" Luke breathed, putting a hand to his head. He knew he didn't have time to process this situation now. Jess being homeless was overshadowed by Jess currently being in jail, and he needed to focus on what he had to do to get Jess out of jail. "What happens now? Is there bail? Will they let you out if I pay bail?" Luke had no experience with this type of situation, and wasn't very clear on how any of it worked.

He heard Jess exhale, as if he had been holding in a tense breath. "Yeah, it's $500. I'm kind of running out of money, and I don't have that much left." Jess sounded choked up. "If you're willing to pay it, I can give the phone to the clerk and he can tell you what you need to do. I'm sorry, Luke. I'll pay you back…..."

"Jess, I don't care about the money! Of course, I'll pay it!"

"Thanks, Luke. I'm going to give you to the clerk now-"

"Wait, Jess! Why are you in Iowa?"

Jess coughed a couple more times. "Things didn't really…uh…work out in California. He's signaling that I need to wrap up the call now. When I get out of here and get my cell phone back, I'll call you, ok? Thanks, Luke. I really appreciate this."

"Jess!" Luke called, but the boy was already gone. Replaced by a very tired sounding man who ran through the process for Luke in the manner of someone charged with repeating the same facts over and over every day. He provided Luke with the name and number of a local bail bondsman. Luke was up now, turning on the lights, rushing into the kitchen to grab a pencil and paper, and asking the clerk to repeat the information. Once Luke had written it down and repeated it back, satisfied that he had it correctly, he listened as the clerk went on to explain the rest of the process. He was told that the bail bondsman was open all night and once Luke completed the paperwork over the phone and paid the bail plus bondsman fees on his credit card, the bondsman would send a representative over to the jail to pay the bail with cash, and then they would start processing Jess out of jail. If Luke called right away, the clerk saw no reason that Jess wouldn't be released in a few hours. Luke thanked the man, and hung up. He dug his credit card out of his wallet and immediately punched in the number for the bail bondsman.

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Luke had stayed awake the rest of the night waiting for Jess' call. The bail bondsman had confirmed what the clerk at the jail had said, that Jess should be released in a few hours. It was now a little after six o'clock. Luke was in the diner, all nervous energy, waiting for the cell phone in his apron to ring. He was just setting down Kirk's breakfast order in front of his first and only customer, when his cell phone started to ring loudly, startling them both. He had set the ringer on the highest setting so that he didn't miss the call. He pulled out his phone, the screen reading 'Jess Mariano' this time and ducked into the store room to take the call. "Jess? Are you ok? You're out of jail, right?"

Luke heard a sniffle, "Yeah, I'm ok. They just let me go. I'm so sorry about that Luke, really. I know you said you don't care about the money, but I will pay you back. I promise. As soon as…" Jess' sentence trailed off into a lengthy coughing fit.

Luke waited for Jess' coughing to subside. "Jess, stop talking about the money. What happened in California? How did you end up in Iowa? Are you coming back home? Are you sick? That cough sounds terrible."

Jess was accustomed to dealing with a barrage of questions from Luke when the man was worried about him. Trying to obtain as many hard facts as he could was how Luke dealt with fear and uncertainty. Jess knew that. But, this time, Jess was too exhausted from being up all night in jail, too emotionally drained from his experiences in California and on the road, and too overwhelmed by how frighteningly unstable his life had become in such a short period of time. This time, he didn't have any answers. He felt himself start to tear up. He was crying slowly at first, quietly, in a way that he felt like he could hide from Luke, if he could just act normal and end the conversation quick enough. Then he was crying in earnest, then sobbing loudly, making sharp hiccupping sounds and gasping for breath. He was crying harder than he had in years. And he couldn't stop. He felt like he had lost control over himself. Just when he was starting to panic that he would never stop crying, another coughing fit took over, replacing the sobs with harsh, ragged barks, wracking Jess' body to the point of practically doubling him over.

"Jess. Jess, it's going to be ok. You're going to be ok." Luke tried to soothe his nephew as he felt his own eyes getting damp at hearing the boy in so much pain. His boy. His boy, who was sick and penniless and scared and far away. "Jess, do you want to come home? I'd really love it if you'd let me buy you a plane ticket back here. No pressure. You can stay for as long as you want. Until you get on your feet. You always have a home here. I hope you know that, Jess. Will you let me get you a ticket home?"

Jess was still crying, but slower now, quietly. Tears still ran down his face, but the sobbing was done. "Yeah." He responded quietly. "Yeah, I want to come home."

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After getting assurance from Jess that he would be able to get himself to the airport, the kid still had a little over a hundred dollars on him, Luke had hung up his cell phone and gone back out into the dining room and dug out the yellow pages. There still hadn't been any customers other than Kirk, who was working away on his pancakes. Luke had called an airline and put a flight to Hartford in Jess' name on his credit card. He had also prepaid for one checked bag and an inflight meal on the second leg of the trip, thinking he didn't want Jess to use his own money on anything he didn't need to, so that he could preserve the little cash he had left, in case something went wrong on his trip and he ended up needing it for something, like if he missed his connection in Cleveland and ended up stranded at the airport for hours and needed to buy food. The earliest flight Luke could get him on didn't leave Des Moines until three o'clock that afternoon. It would get Jess into Hartford at eight thirty that night, still fourteen hours away. That felt like forever to Luke, and he knew it would be a long, torturous day, waiting to see Jess in person and make sure he was ok. He tried to console himself with the idea that a few hours ago, the boy had been in jail, hours before that, he had had no idea where the kid was. Now, he was at least starting on his journey home. He called Jess back to check on him and give him the details of his flight information, but he didn't get an answer. He texted the flight info instead, with instructions to call him at any time today if he needed to talk. He kept hearing Jess' crying, and his heart clenched at the pain the boy must be in to have let himself sob like that on the phone with Luke. His nephew was usually so private when it came to his emotions. He could only begin to imagine how lost and alone Jess must be feeling, and how badly things must have gone in California to have caused this much hurt.

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At two o'clock, Luke's phone finally pinged after hours of him checking it obsessively with no results. He pulled it out of his apron and read the text from Jess: 'Sorry, phone battery died. Needed to find a place to charge. Just got to airport. Am ok. Thanks for this, Luke. Seriously.'

For a second Luke panicked that Jess was going to miss his flight, before realizing Iowa was an hour behind the east coast, making it only one o'clock there, two hours before his flight. He hoped Jess didn't have any problems checking his bag or getting his ticket. He could still remember how confusing he had found the airport the first time he had flown. Granted, Jess was a hell of a lot smarter than he was, but Luke knew he wouldn't stop worrying about something going wrong until Jess was home safe. Luke texted back: 'Glad you made it there safely. I'll be waiting for you at the airport in Hartford when you get there. At the baggage claim. Have a good flight.' Then he paused typing, considering how to continue. He hadn't told Jess that he loved him very often. He liked to think he showed him all the time, but he could only remember a couple of instances when he had told the boy directly. He thought back to Jess' crying on the phone earlier and thought maybe this was a time when Jess would like to hear it. He continued typing: 'I love you and I miss you, and I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight. Be safe.' Luke sent the message and sighed. It was going to be a very long evening of waiting.

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The flight felt interminable to Jess. He had been tempted to buy a book while he was waiting at the airport, but he resisted, knowing it would be more prudent to save the last sixty dollars he had to his name after the sandwich he had bought himself for lunch and the cab ride to the airport. He thought about all the money Luke had spent on him today, the five hundred dollars of bail, and he had no idea how much the plane ticket was, but figured it had to have run his uncle another few hundred dollars. It felt wrong to buy himself a luxury item, and never in his life before getting down to his last couple hundred dollars would he have considered a book a luxury item, when Luke had doled out so much of his own money on Jess' behalf. He decided he would just do his best to sleep on the plane. He was exhausted anyway, couldn't remember his last good night's sleep, and sleep was free. The only problem was he kept getting woken up by his own coughing. This also seemed to be a problem for the man sitting in the next seat who kept giving him disgusted looks and leaning his body as far from Jess as he could. Jess felt like a pariah, but he couldn't stop the coughing. He had had a full blown flu about a month ago, complete with headache, runny nose, sore throat, and body aches, that had forced him to hole up in his motel room in Venice for a few days, living off Nyquil and pizza delivery, lying in bed watching daytime television and feeling pitiful and alone while he waited for Jimmy to call. The rest of the symptoms had disappeared after about a week, but the cough had lingered despite any cough medicine he tried. He couldn't shake it and if anything, it seemed to be getting worse. It made sense. Jess realized that the way he had been living could only have negative effects on a person's health. In that respect, he couldn't wait to get back to Luke's. To eat a warm, healthy meal. Take a long, hot shower. Put on clean clothes. Sleep in his old bed, feeling safe and loved. And maybe see a doctor to get an anti-biotic if changing his lifestyle didn't chase his cough away.

But another part of Jess was feeling nervous about facing his uncle. He flushed in shame when he thought about their last conversation before he had taken off for California without even saying goodbye or letting Luke know he was leaving. He remembered the hateful things he had said to his uncle. The many phone calls and text messages from Luke that he had ignored on the road, or not really ignored since he had read every text and listened to every voicemail so much as just not responded to. Not until his car had broken down on the shoulder of Route 80 in Nebraska. The tow truck driver he had called had taken a long look under the hood, and advised him that the cost of the tow and repairs would run him over a couple thousand dollars, likely more than his car was worth, and almost equal to what Jess had left in savings. He had left the car where it had broken down and asked for a lift to a bus station instead. A few days later as Jess was slowly, but surely making his way to California by bus, he had received a frantic voicemail from Luke. The Pine Bluffs, Nebraska police department had called Luke, whose name was also on the registration since Jess had been a minor when he bought the car, and informed him that his vehicle had been found abandoned by the side of the road and had been impounded. Luke's message had begged Jess to let him know that he was all right, for him to at least send a text if he didn't want to talk, just to please let Luke know he was ok. Luke had also apologized to Jess for his part in what transpired before Jess left Stars Hollow. Even though Luke had apologized and asked Jess to contact him on several other voicemails and texts, it was the choked-up quality of his voice at the end of this message that finally got through to Jess. He had still been angry when he thought about what Luke had done, all but lying to him to keep him from knowing his own father had come looking for him, but time and distance had given him better perspective and when he had thought about how much Luke loved him and everything his uncle had done for him prior to this, he knew Luke didn't deserve to worry himself sick about whether Jess was alive or dead. Jess had carefully drafted a text, wanting to assure the man he was ok, but not wanting to set himself up for more contact. He was still not over what happened and he needed space. He had settled on, 'I'm ok, Luke. Car broke down and couldn't afford repairs, but I'm fine. Heading to California by bus. You don't need to worry. I need to do this on my own, so I won't be in contact for a while.'

Later, after everything with Jimmy had gone so badly, Jess had started to realize how harshly he had treated the only person who actually cared about him. And earlier today, after Luke had still been willing to bail him out of jail and buy him a plane ticket, Jess had been confronted again with how good Luke always was to him, how much the man loved him, and how terribly he had treated him these past couple of months. He knew Luke would forgive him, probably already had, but he also knew it would be a long time until he could look his uncle in the eye without feeling shame about his behavior. Luke had done something wrong, too. But, even though Jess still didn't agree with what his uncle had done, he knew on some level that Luke had tried to keep him from Jimmy in order to protect Jess' feelings and not derail him from the stable path he was on in Stars Hollow. Jess still suspected that his original accusation had been correct, though stated unnecessarily harshly, and that Luke may have also wanted to protect his own feelings, and not risk losing Jess to his biological father. But the more Jess thought about it, the more that was starting to feel like understandable and forgivable motivation, while Jess' had been his old stand-by of anger and spite. He knew Luke would probably be too kind to throw his words back in his face, especially now when Jess was already crawling back with his tail between his legs, but he kept picturing Luke's face that night in the apartment after Jess had met with Jimmy. Jess had lashed out in hurt and called Luke selfish and controlling. Screamed at him that just because Luke was too much of a pathetic loser to ever have a family of his own, he had no right to stand in the way of Jess meeting his father. No right. He accused Luke of being jealous that Jimmy would want Jess to come live with him in California and then Luke would go back to being a lonely, hermit. Because no one else was stupid enough to put up with his shit the way Jess did. No one else wanted to be around him. At first Luke had stayed calm, letting Jess vent and get it out of his system, then he had defended his actions, claiming that he hadn't wanted Jimmy to upset Jess and mess up his life when he was doing so well, and was so close to graduating high school. As Jess' rant went on, Luke had started to seem less sure that he had done the right thing with Jimmy. He had tried to apologize for hurting Jess, but Jess had barely listened, and just continued his attack. The fight had culminated in Jess threatening to go find Jimmy in California, pointing out that Luke couldn't stop him if he wanted to go. Luke had raised his voice then, too, matching Jess' volume, telling him he was not going anywhere before he finished the last month of school and took his finals. Jess had worked too hard, they both had, to get Jess this far, and if he thought he wasn't going to graduate now, he could think again. Jess had yelled back at Luke that he was eighteen and Luke wasn't his father anyway and couldn't tell him what to do. He would do whatever the fuck he wanted and if Luke didn't like it that was his problem. The fight had ended in an exception to the norm, with Luke being the one who had stormed out for breathing room. When he had returned, Jess had already been gone.

Jess sighed thinking about that night. He knew he had more to be forgiven for than Luke did, and even if Luke could get past everything Jess had said, he knew it would be a long time until he could forgive himself. He thought about life on his own on the road, about how he had failed at some of the basic life functions of being an adult. He hadn't been able to get a job in Los Angeles, hadn't been able to maintain his car, by the end had barely been able to keep himself safe and fed. Now, he was going back to Luke. To the safety net of family, to having someone who would provide a roof and a bed and food. He thought about the one attached string. On his own, even when he had been at his most pathetic, there had been freedom in not feeling like he was letting anyone down but himself. Going back meant giving up that freedom and once again trying to live up to expectations, not only Luke's, but his own, which he somehow set higher for himself when Luke was a factor. He had been drowning in the feeling of having let Luke down all day, and he hated how it felt. He wanted to do better, to be better. To be someone who could measure up to the expectations of a loved one without having to bail from the pressure, someone more like Luke than like Jimmy.

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Luke heard a loud cough over to his right and turned to spot Jess coughing into his closed fist as he approached the baggage carousel at the tail end of the crowd of people. Luke hurried toward him. "Jess!" he reached out a hand to the boy's shoulder to get his attention. Jess turned toward him, and Luke immediately pulled him into a tight hug. Jess felt his body release its tautness and flood with relief as he let himself be held. He dropped his head to Luke's shoulder, bringing his arms up around Luke and grasping handfuls of the back of his shirt. He felt Luke's hand gently cupping the back of his head. He leaned against Luke, letting his uncle support some of his weight. He felt tears gathering in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Luke. I'm so sorry." His voice sounded off, even to him, and he really hoped that didn't mean he was going to start crying again.

"It's ok, Jess. I forgive you. I'm sorry, too. Everything's going to be ok. I'm really glad you're home." After a long moment, Luke pulled back from Jess, holding his nephew by the shoulders at arm's length, and really looking at him. The boy looked like he hadn't slept in a week. He looked sick and miserable. Luke met Jess' eyes, giving him a warm, encouraging smile. He raised one hand to the side of Jess' head to guide it back to center when Jess tried to look away. "Look at me, Jess. I know you're feeling bad about the things you said to me before you left. I feel bad that I hurt you, too. I need you to know that none of that matters to me now. I love you, and nothing you could do will ever change that. I'm really glad to see you. Everything is going to be ok. I promise you that. Ok?" Luke smiled.

Jess could feel his eyes welling up and didn't trust himself to speak without starting to cry for real. He managed a small smile, hoping it was conveying the same warm love that Luke's was radiating. "Ok." He agreed. "Thanks, Luke."

"Don't mention it, nephew." Luke clapped him on the shoulder, his smile widening into a grin. "Now, let's go get your bag and get you home."

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Luke talked pretty much non-stop on the drive back to Stars Hollow. That wasn't unusual. Luke was always a nervous talker, and even though Jess believed what Luke had said at the airport about him being forgiven, he realized it might take a while for them to get back to normal with each other and over the awkwardness of the situation. What was unusual was that Luke wasn't asking Jess questions. Jess had expected Luke to pump him for information on his trip. To ask about what happened in California with Jimmy, or his arrest, or his period of homelessness. But, instead Luke had filled him in on all the Stars Hollow happenings. Taylor's old fashion candy shop had finally opened and was doing better than Luke had thought it would, or even wanted it to. He admitted with a chuckle that even though he was Taylor's landlord, he would be willing to lose a little money to watch Taylor's store fail. Andrew had told Luke that some books Jess had ordered had come into the bookstore. Luke couldn't remember the titles, but he had gone in and paid for them since Andrew had gone to the trouble of ordering them, and they were waiting for Jess in his bedroom. Jess' school had called asking questions about his absence, which Luke couldn't answer since he wasn't sure what Jess' plans were. They called again after Jess didn't show up for his final exams to officially tell Luke that Jess hadn't graduated. Luke had asked if Jess could still take the exams if he came back, but they said he has missed too much school to pass the year even if he had taken the exams and passed. But, he wasn't telling Jess this to stress him out, no, he had good news. The guidance counselor had been nice enough to meet with him the Monday following finals after he had explained his situation. She had given him all these other options if Jess didn't want to repeat his senior year at Stars Hollow. All Luke had known about was the GED route, but she had suggested enrolling Jess for his senior year at St. Mary's the Catholic high school in Woodbridge, if Jess was just opposed to returning to Stars Hollow High, or if he was opposed to going back to high school in general, in an online program where he would take classes and tests online and get his high school diploma that way. Luke had checked out one of the programs and it seemed like something Jess could do. He didn't want Jess to feel pressured. He didn't need to make a decision now, but he wanted him to know those options were available if he wanted to consider them. Jess sometimes didn't know what to make of Luke's kindness. It felt like too much for him to comprehend. After everything he had said to Luke and the way he left, his uncle had still cared enough to pick up his books and take meetings with his guidance counselor. He had still been willing to pay for a year of Catholic school for the nephew who hadn't even bothered to take his calls or return his texts. Because he cared about Jess and wanted him to have a future. Jess felt his eyes getting wet again, and wondered if now that he'd let himself start crying if he had opened some internal floodgate and was going to be an emotional mess, a kind word away from tears at any given moment, for the rest of his life. He knew he would get his high school diploma since it mattered so much to Luke, and it made no sense for him to not get it, but he also knew he couldn't sit through another year of school. He made lame jokes about St. Mary's. That he was swearing off girls in plaid skirts for good. That he couldn't willingly sign up to spend a year getting slapped around by a nun with a ruler. He noticed the shift in Luke's previously eager expression. He said he thought the online program sounded good, though, and thanked Luke for looking into it. He could probably swing that and a fulltime job. Chip in some money for rent. Luke's smile returned, but he said nothing had changed in that respect. He would never take rent from Jess. Jess should save his money. Maybe for a new car. Or for something else important. Maybe even for college classes someday. Jess watched Luke as he drove, taking in the pleased look on his uncle's face, overwhelmed by his own ability to make this person who loved him so happy with so little. Right here, in this moment, driving down this dark highway, feeling like nothing and no one existed outside the cab of Luke's truck, Jess felt happier and more content than he had in a long time, just being here with someone who loved him, whose optimism never faded and who never gave up on him. Jess told him, maybe, Luke, maybe.