Notes: Early update because of chapter 50! Deus Orion asked me for a chapter in Mikasa's POV and this how it turned out. (I was close to tears while writing and editing it.)

Extended Notes: leviplease,tumblr;com/post/63290937482 (Replace commas with dots for the link to work.)

Editing Support: Alicia (Arkevil) - thank you, dear!

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Chapter 9: Speaking from the Heart

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Something about Eren was off. Ever since Armin had shared his theory on the Colossal Titan and the Armoured Titan being someone from their training squad Mikasa had noticed how Eren had become strangely silent and absentminded. It was unusual, she thought. She had expected his anger to boil up, but he had barely reacted. Instead he had mumbled something about asking Annie and then he had run off to help in the kitchen.

During lunch he had been just as quiet and normally it wouldn't have bothered Mikasa – because Eren wasn't regularly engaging in conversation – but in the context it just wasn't right. What the hell was going on? What had happened in the time they had been separated? Did it have something to do with Annie? Mikasa remembered how reluctant Eren had been to fight Annie in the Stohess District and how she had suspected that he had developed feelings for her. But he had looked genuinely shocked by her suggestion, so that couldn't be it, right?

Mikasa made her way through the scurrying scouts to get through to Eren. The adrenaline from fighting Annie was still burning in her system and the cold sweat from discovering the huge living titan inside of Wall Sina made her clothes stick to her skin. But she didn't care about all that. Her focus was on Eren in the middle of all this chaos, standing there just staring into the distance.

"Eren!" she called out.

Finally she reached him and rested her hand on his shoulder.

"Eren, are you alright?" she asked, voice more softly now.

Snapping out of his trance Eren turned towards her, looking bewildered by her appearance.

"Yeah, I just-" he mumbled confused. "I'm just exhausted."

Mikasa hadn't expected any less, fighting Annie in his titan form was bound to take a toll on him. But there was something else – something in his expression, his eyes – which she couldn't quite pinpoint. He just looked so crushed as if he had been the one to fall from the wall.

But there was another time for finding out what that was, she decided. She could ask him about it later. Now she had to take care of him first. His feet were already beginning to give in.

Her right arm slid beneath his shoulders to support him. He did not protest, resting his left arm around her neck to steady himself further. The transformation and the fight sure had worn him out. He shouldn't even be on his feet in the first place.

"It's alright," Mikasa whispered soothingly. "Everything's going to be fine."

She had no idea why she was saying that, but the words had effect on Eren. His tense body relaxed against her and the softening of his features as he closed his eyes was a relief. Exhaustion took him in a heartbeat. While his head leaned against hers, Mikasa motioned for someone to help her take care of him.

That damned Annie! Whatever had bugged Eren back then had something to do with her, Mikasa was sure. She just wished she had gotten the chance to ask him about it. But she was set on doing so now – as soon as she found Eren that was.

Right after finishing his meal Eren had run off to the kitchen again. And despite Armin's objection, Mikasa hadn't been able to stay put for long. She needed to talk to Eren. She needed to find out what was wrong. Armin had suggested leaving him alone for now and letting him open up on his own terms, but she couldn't. Carla had made her promise to look after Eren and that's what she intended to do. Because the problem with Eren and his stubbornness was that it usually was too late before he even thought of opening up.

However she had no idea where the kitchen was or if Eren even had gone there like he had claimed to do. So Mikasa had wandered the corridors for several minutes now in hope of finding him or at least someone who could give her a hint on where to look. But she had to admit her effort was pretty futile.

She was about to give up, when she took another turn and finally saw Eren. He leaned with is back against the wall between two windows. His eyes were closed and his expression was resigned. Never had she seen him so… weak before. Yes, she had seen him cry, but his tears usually were accompanied by anger and his will to fight. But now he looked so tired and overwhelmed, not even his exhausted look after fighting Annie in the Stohess District compared to it. It was disquieting.

Mikasa paused. She didn't quite know how to approach him, let alone talk to him. It felt like she was looking at a stranger. This wasn't the Eren she knew, the Eren she grew up with, the Eren that had fuelled her will to fight, the Eren that had saved her life. Because the Eren she knew never gave up, he never backed down. The Eren she knew didn't forfeit when pushed to the ground, he always picked himself up right away, pushing himself further.

Taking up all her courage with a deep breath she walked over to Eren and positioned herself at the wall beside him. He showed no sign of noticing her presence.

"Hey," she tried softly.

It was a careful approach. She didn't want to rush into things straight away. First she had to see how he'd react to her appearance. Eren could be hard to reason with and she had no feel for how difficult talking to him would be now.

Eren opened his eyes. He registered her only with a short side-glance before looking straight ahead.

"Hey," he sighed in response.

He even sounded tired! It was like another punch into her gut where the sight of Eren just had hit her moments before. Mikasa crossed her arms before her chest, focussing on the movement to keep herself busy. Her eyes met the opposite wall a few inches away from where his gaze aimed. Thus they leaned side by side against the cold stone.

"What's the matter with you, Eren?" she tried after a moment.

His reply was a faint moan. He really didn't want to talk about this, she understood that, but it also confirmed her assumption: Something was going on and she was determined to get to its core. She couldn't back down now.

"Were you avoiding me?"

In her mind it wasn't a question. She knew it as a matter of fact. But she had decided to tread carefully and it was important she chose her words and phrases with good thought. Anything that could be taken as an accusation had to be avoided.

Eren gave a sigh and tried for an answer.

"Mikasa, I-"

She didn't want to hear it if it was a half-hearted attempt of an explanation. Her voice firmer she cut him off with her next question.

"Does it have something to do with Annie?"

As Mikasa looked sideways she found him staring at her. A mixture of surprise and shock was in his eyes and his mouth gaped open in a reply he couldn't form.

Her stomach tightened. She had gone there and now there was no taking it back. If he got mad at her now, she might never get another chance to discuss this with him. So she remained stoical and hoped for the best as she bore into his eyes with her own.

Eren broke away and let his gaze aimlessly wander over the stones ahead of them. Still so resigned, Mikasa thought and she honestly couldn't decide what to think of it. It was beneficial for her, because it improved her chances to see their talk through without him cutting her off. But it was so unlike him not to talk back to her and it set her even more on edge.

"I know you don't like her…," he began, but his voice trailed off.

They both didn't really know how to discuss this. But they knew that they had to talk about it now that it was on the table. Mikasa tried to stay diplomatic for as long as she could.

"Do you like her?" she inquired silently.

They had resumed to looking at the wall ahead of them. It seemed better like this, the words came easier.

"Yes," Eren finally whispered.

It stung to have her suspicions confirmed. Mikasa inhaled deeply while she considered how to proceed now. A part of her wanted to smack him in the hope that he would return to his senses. But she knew that wouldn't do the job. She had to use words and she had to use them carefully to remind him of what Annie was, of what she'd done.

"Eren," she paused, making her final decision on what to say now. "She's the enemy."

"I know," he growled weakly.

"She killed people in cold blood..."

"I know!" His voice was firmer now, angrier. "I know what she did. And I know I should forget about her, but I can't."

He hesitated before continuing and she knew that what was about to follow was nothing good.

"I don't want to," Eren admitted more softly.

Mikasa closed her eyes. She actually had to force back the pool of tears that threatened to well up. She didn't want to hear this. She wasn't ready to hear this. She had engaged this conversation without really considering what she might learn and now she just wanted Eren to shut up. But he had started to open up and his mouth didn't run dry of words. They kept coming, rushing over her and suffocating her with their meaning.

"We kissed," he whispered. "And it felt so good. I thought I'd never want to do anything else again. I didn't want to think of anything else."

Her eyes became wetter behind her closed lids, but her throat felt dryer with every word he said. She swallowed hard, but it made the lump building in her throat just tense up painfully. And then he said the words that hurt the most.

"I love her."

It was just a whisper but it hit Mikasa right in the chest. She felt like she couldn't breathe because everything in there was being compressed: her lungs, her heart. Her fists clenched around nothing, but she needed the feeling of holding on to something. She didn't know what else to do.

"I know I shouldn't," Eren continued, taking advantage of her speechlessness. "I know I should pick a side – actually there shouldn't even be a question about what side I'm on, because things should be simple. But they aren't. I hate the titans, I hate those that breached the walls, but I also love Annie and I'm hoping… Even though I know it's impossible, I'm hoping that there's a way I can be with her."

His voice had tensed more with every sentence. Mikasa could hear the emotions vibrate in it: desperation, anger, bitterness. She was sure that wasn't how you were supposed to talk about love. But then she had also thought that you couldn't love someone who treated and killed people like they were insects – that Eren couldn't love someone like Annie.

The silence embracing them was suffocating. Eren had shared all he had wanted to say and even more than enough, if you asked Mikasa. She stayed immobile, fists clenched, finding support from the cold stone pressing against her back. The threat of tears breaking from behind her closed lids had dwindled, but she did not dare to open her eyes. She only focussed on breathing.

"Please, say something," Eren finally begged, his voice weak and a little strained.

"What do you want me to say?" she inquired, her eyes blinking open. Somehow she managed to sound neutral, keeping her tone even lower than his.

Her gaze remained on the wall ahead. She heard him sigh beside her.

"I don't know," he admitted in defeat.

There was less tension in the air as silence stretched out between them once more. Mikasa welcomed it. She needed time to think, figure out how to proceed from now on. Though she had suspected it the shock from Eren's revelation still sat in her gut. She couldn't help but feel that her idiot foster brother had lost his mind somewhere along the way and it was now on her to help him get it back. But how did she implement that if he probably would claim to be perfectly sane?

She didn't like to think of Eren like that. It meant treating him like a child despite them being the same age. But this was worse than anything Eren had ever gotten himself into. Five years ago when he had been set on joining the Scouting Legion to see the outside world was nothing compared to this.

Back then she had wanted to talk him out of it, but he hadn't listened and she hadn't been good with words anyway. So she had told his parents about it. She had known that it wasn't a nice move, because Eren had entrusted his plans with her like a secret, but it had been the only option she'd been able to think of.

Ever since Eren had saved her life she had been set on keeping him out of harm's way. That had proved to be really difficult, because he was a hothead who rushed into things with no consideration of getting hurt. So she had seen it as her duty to have his back and pick him up whenever he got smashed down.

And now it was just them. Carla had been killed and Grisha had disappeared. Apart from Armin and Eren, there was no one left for her. Mikasa would be damned if she let anything happen to them. She wouldn't sit back and watch Eren get hurt in a messy love affair with Annie – because that only could end in tears and blood!

"Are you mad at me?"

The soft whisper of Eren's voice drew her back from her thoughts. Mikasa sighed barely audible.

"I'm not mad," she then stated truthfully.

Taking a moment she considered how to phrase her words.

"I just don't think I can understand," she finally added.

Eren gave a short and dry laugh.

"Believe me – I don't quite understand it myself."

Mikasa clenched her jaw. She wished Armin was here. He was good with words. He could reason with Eren, make him see how there would come nothing good from this. And he could make sure that Eren listened and actually understood.

"Remember when you swore to kill all titans?" she remarked half-heartedly.

"Remember when I turned into a titan?"

Eren sounded almost amused. But his tone was clearly serious as he continued.

"That's what I meant: Things aren't simple as that. No matter how much we want to be able to distinguish between right and wrong, the lines are blurred which makes it hard to tell one from the other. I've come to understand that now."

"Are you telling me that I'm mistaken in thinking that it's wrong?" Mikasa wanted to know. The bitterness she felt only barely touched her voice.

"How can it be wrong to love someone?" Eren asked softly in return.

If it was even possible, Mikasa clenched her fists harder than before. She was really fighting the urge to punch him now. It was just so frustrating, because everything in her head screamed at her that it was wrong. Common sense told her that it was wrong. Why couldn't Eren see that?

"How can you love someone like that though?" she burst out, losing the composure she had fought so hard to keep. "I don't get it!" Her voice became weaker. "I really don't get it."

That was all she managed before she was spent. The confusion and frustration she felt in this situation was just so numbing.

Despite her harsh words, Eren remained surprisingly calm. He seemed to choose his words carefully as he spoke, almost like a diplomat. It made Mikasa wonder when he had learned that.

"If someone asked you why you cared for me and stuck with me despite being an unreliable titan shifter that is always in danger of losing control and actually almost hurt you when I did last time-"

"You're not that unreliable," she interrupted him.

She didn't want to hear the point he was trying to make. She didn't want him to compare her feelings for him with his feelings for Annie. Those were completely different circumstances. Those were completely different things.

"If someone asked you that," Eren continued, "what would you say?"

Finally Mikasa turned to face him and found him already looking at her intently. She stared back into his calm, green eyes, but when she spoke she looked away again.

"You saved my life."

It was a stubborn reply, she knew that. And there was far more to be said than that, but she didn't want to go into detail. Not now, not while they were having this conversation.

"That's it?" Eren asked, but he didn't sound offended like his words might imply. "You see, technically speaking you probably did more than enough to repay me for that, so there's no need for you to hold on."

"Are you saying I should stop caring about you?" she asked bitterly.

It hurt to think that he would suggest that. He had always shoved away her helping hand and resisted when she had shown her care for him, but never had he told her off like this.

"No, that's not what I mean," Eren objected quietly. "What I'm trying to say is that these things are not rational and often hard to explain."

His hand found hers and he entangled their fingers. The pressure as he squeezed slightly was comforting and the words he spoke next were reassuring.

"You're my family, Mikasa," he whispered, "my only family."

Mikasa shut her eyes with a deep breath. The tension in her limbs eased up. Without thinking about being rejected she turned over and leaned into him. She let go of his hand only to wrap both her arms around his back as she rested her head on his shoulder. Eren mirrored her and pulled her in close. They had never hugged like this, but it felt good for once not to be pushed away by him. Mikasa held onto him for dear life, scared that he could slip away from her.

Eren's mouth was close to her ear. She could hear him breathe into her hair as he rested his chin on her shoulder.

"You can't save me from this." His voice was a soft whisper. "I don't want to be saved."

That was too much for her. Mikasa buried her face into his neck and started to sob. As desperation rocked her body, Eren's hands rubbed her back soothingly. Even with the motion he closely held her to his chest and she gripped his shirt tightly, because holding on to him didn't seem enough.

The kiss he placed on the brim of her ear was subtle. She didn't know when Eren had even started to consider showing this kind of affection to others, but right now she was too upset to wonder about it. The gesture was accompanied by two words that first weighed heavy on her heart, but then strangely eased the pain.

"I'm sorry."

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