Is This Some Kind of Joke?
PurpleBandit3000 presents…
In accordance with PurpleBandit3000…
A PurpleBandit3000 production…
Directed by PurpleBandit3000…
10 - War of the Stars
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…
The entire universe was empty. Then, the Big Bang occurred- no, wait! That's too far back!
Fine. We'll fast forward then.
…
…
Then they lived happily ever after- no! That's too far into the future. This stupid remote.
Let's just go to where it all began.
Chef Vader was meeting with Emperor Maclean regarding their plan to take over the world.
"We are close, Master. It's impossible for us to lose now." Chef said.
"Okay, first off, it's not impossible, so let's focus on winning, okay?" The Emperor asked.
"As you wish."
"One more thing."
"What?"
"Your breathing is seriously annoying me. Fix your respirator or something."
"What? But it sounds totally badass."
"I'll admit it does. I sense someone is training to defeat us right now."
"Is he?"
"Hey! Did you just assume the gender?"
"Um… I just thought that-"
"So girls can't become warriors. Is that what you're saying?"
"What? No! I just meant that-"
"Come on, Chef. It's 3 ABY." Chris said. "Don't you think it's time we stopped discriminating?"
"Yes, sire."
"Okay. Those annoying rebel scum destroyed the first Doom Sphere, and I do not want a repeat of that incident with the 2nd Doom Sphere, ya hear me?"
"Loud and clear, sire."
Meanwhile, on some planet other than Earth…
"I want to be a Jedeye because no one can kill them." Harold Moonwalker said. "At least that's what my father told me anyway."
"Your father was a Jedeye and someone killed him, so I'm pretty sure he's wrong." Said Obi-Don Kenobi
"What the hell!? Why'd you wait this long to tell me!"
"It makes it more dramatic that way." Don said.
He handed Harold a Laser Sword.
"This is a Laser Sword." Don said.
"I know. It said so in the text. Aren't you even reading this story? Gosh!"
"This is the weapon of a Jedeye Warrior. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon... for a more civilized age."
"So we're civilized? Huh. Guess you learn something new every day."
"Yes. For some reason, we chose to use a sword over a gun or a tank, but it makes it look awesome when you deflect bullets off of this baby!"
"So… shouldn't you be giving me a motivational speech or something?" Harold asked. "I am the one destined to defeat those evil people, right?"
"Right. Ahem. Something, something, telekinetic powers. Something, something, Evil Side. Now go, fulfill the prophecy." Don said.
"There's a specific saying that you have to utter." Said Harold.
"Oh, yes, of course. How could I have forgotten?" Don wondered. "...Live long and prosper."
"Nope. That's from some other show that I'm not allowed to name due to copyright reasons and the possibility of starting a fan war."
"Oh… may the odds be ever in your favor, then."
"No! That's not it!"
"Um… you're a wizard, Harold."
"Gosh! It's like you don't even know what we're ripping off!"
"I got it!" Don exclaimed. "May the F- err, Mass Times Acceleration be with you!"
"Thank you for training me." Harold said. "I shall now apply those skills in combat."
"Yeah. Seriously. Go now. We're running out of time." Don said.
Harold got into his spaceship and sped off.
"Master, I was wondering, are we the baddies?" Chef asked. "I mean, our name is literally 'The Shit'."
"Nonsense!" Chris exclaimed. "I'll admit that it's a rather… crappy name, but all we want is for people to obey our every command or die if they refuse! What's so evil about that?"
"Hm. Can't argue with that logic." Chef said.
"I sense someone's presence." Chris said. "I feel a tingling indicating that someone is coming to attack us.
"Or maybe you need to pee." Chef said.
"Yeah. That's probably it." Chris said. "Back in a bit."
He headed off to the restroom.
Right at that moment, as if it was almost scripted, that was when Harold showed up.
"I'm here! It's time for me to defeat you, Chef Vader!" The boy said, brandished his lightsa- I mean, Laser Sword.
"Wow. You compensating for something?" Chef asked.
"What? No!"
"How the heck did you get here, anyway?"
"Pretty easy when the entrance is large as hell and the security measures are barely working." Harold said.
"Wow. We really need to get that looked into." Chef said.
"Enough talk! Let's fight!" Harold exclaimed.
"Agreed." Chef said, taking out his own Laser Sword.
After a long and grueling battle that I won't bother to explain, Chef was on the verge of defeating the young Jedeye.
"Join me, my boy!" Chef said. "Together, we can rule the entire universe!"
"No! I will never surrender- wait, what? Did you just call me 'your boy'?" Harold asked confused.
"Yes, Harold. I am your daddy!"
"What? That can't be true. Aren't you black?"
"Well, yeah, but- Hey! That's racist!"
"I'm a ginger, man. I know you killed my father, so stop trying to mess with my head."
"No, I am your father!"
"No, you're not! Stop lying! I know my mother married a white guy. You're not my dad!"
"Oh, yeah? You do you know we didn't have some 'fun time' together, huh?"
"Aw, dude. That's gross!" Harold said.
"Hey, Chef. I just took the most humongoid crap and oh, my gosh!" Emperor Chris Maclean exclaimed. "Why are you wasting time talking to that brat? Finish him off already!"
"But… but… he may or may not be my son." Chef said.
"Dude, he's not your son. Kill him!"
Harold, noticing the situation he was in, quickly reacted.
"No, father! Please don't kill me. I'm your only son!"
"He's lying, Chef. Get him."
"No. It is you that has lied." Chef said. "Can you not see our striking resemblance?"
"... You gotta be kidding me." Chris said. "Fine. I'll do it myself."
He then began electrocuting Harold with bolts from his hands.
"Ha! I'm electrocuting you with lightning bolts from my hands just like the text said!" Chris exclaimed. "How do you like that, huh? I'm so evil!"
Harold began to writhe in pain, and Chef could look at the plight of his son no longer.
"Aw, hell, no!" Chef exclaimed.
He quickly grabbed the Emperor and carried him away.
"Where the heck are you taking me? No! Not the nearly bottomless shaft that I conveniently forgot to close."
"Great idea." Chef said, tossing the evil Emperor in.
"Damn it. I knew I should have stuck to my reality show hosting job." Maclean said as he hurtled down the shaft.
"Great job, dad!" Harold said as the two high-fived. "Now, let's get out of here."
"Wait. There's just one more thing I need to do."
"Which is?"
Chef Vader turned on the PA system.
"Attention, everyone. This is Chef Vader speaking. I just wanted to let you know that Emperor Maclean has ordered you all to stop with the torturing and killing and fighting and stuff. Just stop with all the evil stuff. Why can't we all be friends?"
"Emperor Maclean said that?" One of the minions asked.
"Yep. He definitely said it! Oh, but, uh… don't bother looking for him. Because… uh, he went away and said he'd never come back… so, yeah. Stop with the evilness. Bye bye."
Now, we can get to the ending...
"Wow. This is a pretty big." Chris said. "I feel like I've been falling for an eternity. Maybe I won't die after all-"
SPLAT!
Couldn't wait till May Fourth. Sorry.
Lucas, please don't sue.