The room was dark and quiet. He blinked a few times and tried to breathe deeply to release the pressure he felt in his chest. Something was right next to him, something incredibly warm. As he turned to look he saw Tao sitting next to the bed, his head on the mattress, deep in his sleep.
Why is Tao here?
Tao had never watched him while he slept before, not even when he was sick. It was never required nor requested.
Slowly and quietly he pushed himself up to sit, taking care not to wake the boy sleeping so soundly right next to him.
He looked at Tao with a gentle expression on his face. He sleeps so well.
To be able to sleep without care was something remotely foreign to him. He wondered how it must feel to be able to sleep without worrying whether something bad would happen the next morning, or that the things he loved would still be there.
The boy seemed so innocence in his eyes. Sometimes he wondered if there was ever a time, even a small fraction of his life that he possessed such innocence? Before he became so tainted and stained, was he ever so carefree and sleep so well?
Tao was like him, an abandoned child lucky enough to be taken in by a wealthy family. Only he was not so lucky as Tao. The moment he had taken the boy into his care he swore to himself that Tao would be lucky. Everything he lacked he would give to Tao, everything from innocence, security, warmth, and affection. If he was capable of bringing up a boy with all that quality, then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't be such a failure after all. He may be Tao's savior in most people's eyes, but in his eyes, Tao was his sanctuary.
For that reason, his heart softened every time he looked at the boy. Even though his pain still remained, he could always draw enough strength to go on just by having Tao around.
Pain. It would be a lie to say that his pain had never gone away. Not so long ago he knew what it was like to feel no pain. In that warm embrace he could forget everything. In that gentle kiss he could lose himself, and for a brief moment, gained something he'd never had.
But it was all a lie, an illusion he must have manifested on his own. Was there really no one he could trust except Tao? No one at all?
"Fei-sama?"
Tao's voice startled him. He must have made a noise.
Tao rubbed his eyes a few times and smiled. "You seem better now, Fei-sama. I'm glad."
"How long have you been here, Tao?"
"Oh, since you went to sleep, Fei-sama. Dr. Quan said someone should be here with you and make sure you take these medicines." Tao showed him the pills on the bedside table.
Fei Long took one look at the names on those pills and closed his eyes. Anti-depressants. Did Quan really think he'd take them? "I'll take them later."
He looked at his watch. 9pm. Way past Tao's bedtime. What on earth did Quan give him to make him sleep so long? When he went to sleep the sun was still up.
"You should go to bed. I'll be fine. I don't need to be watched over." He said softly.
"But Fei-sama." He knew he should never question his master, but he couldn't stand seeing Fei-sama in such agony again. Whatever it was that he suffered. It looked severely painful.
The worried look on Tao's face made him uneasy. Whatever he was going through, it wasn't fair to let it affect the boy. "If you're that worried, then get Yoh for me."
A smile appeared across Tao's face that lightened up his heart. "Yes, Fei-sama."
He watched quietly as Tao exited the room. What the hell just happened to him this afternoon? He placed his hand on his chest and rubbed it slowly. He could still remember the intense pressure in his chest. For the first time in his life he thought he was going to die. If Quan gave him only antidepressants it must be psychological. That kind of symptoms resulted from a psychological problem could only mean one thing...
He closed his eyes and grinded his teeth. How pathetic. The mighty Liu Fei Long of Baishe suffering from a panic attack. He winced at the rising pressure in his chest as he tried to push himself up from the bed. At that moment there was a knock on the door. It must be Yoh.
"Come in."
He watched the door opened slowly as he stepped down from the bed. He must have moved too quickly, either that, or the dizziness he felt was more severe than he thought to make him lose his balance. Yoh rushed to his side. "Be careful, Fei Long-sama. Don't get up so quickly."
His head was still spinning. He clung to Yoh's shoulder as he struggled to find his balance. With one hand on his arm and the other supporting the back of his waist, Yoh pulled him up on his feet and held him there, waiting, for Fei Long to regain control of his limbs. It was unintentional, but in that position he was practically in Yoh's arms. They were so close he could hear Yoh's heart beating heavily against his ribs. Strangely enough, the moment he felt the warmth from that body, the pressure in his chest went away. He knew that feeling. That warmth. He'd felt it before, but from someone else, not Yoh.
He clenched his fist and tried to erase that thought from his mind as he tore himself from the warm embrace. "Thank you, Yoh." He said briefly before walking away.
Fei Long stood quietly by the window and gazed out to the night sky. So quiet. So dark. Just like his heart.
"You haven't taken these pills." Yoh's voice was full of concern.
"I'm not going to. Take them away from my sight." He said without looking back.
"No."
Taken aback by the answer, Fei Long turned around slowly, his eyes flashed blood red, "What did you say?" It was an answer he had never been given. No one in Baishe would dare. Not even his closest bodyguard.
Yoh stood just a few steps away, staring defiantly into Fei Long's eyes. "I've been by your side for over seven years. I'm not afraid of you. Take these pills. I will not stand seeing you suffer like this."
"You'd dare give me an order?"
Despite his master's efforts to stare him down, Yoh stood his ground. "I'm doing this for you. If that pisses you off then go ahead and kill me. But there isn't anyone here but Tao who's more loyal to you than I am. I know this. So do you."
To his surprise Fei Long started laughing out loud. A sarcastic laugh more directed at himself rather than his comment. When it subsided he gave Yoh a pitiful smile.
"What are you doing with me, Yoh? I'm not even fit to rule over Baishe. Your master is nothing but a common whore. Yet you still want to serve me."
Surely he must know what happened. Yoh knew what Mikhail was to him. And he was there today when that bastard sent him a message. It was difficult for him to face Yoh after all that he'd done to the man. Now that his precious master had been stripped down to nothing, what would Yoh think of him?
Seeing him like that was more than painful. The proud Liu Fei Long of Baishe, the beautiful flower he could never reach had been torn down to this by one man. He should be angry enough to kill that Russian mafia, but something told him there was more to the story. Something just wasn't right. The affection he saw in those blue eyes wasn't a lie. And if he was right, the only way to help Fei Long out of this was to straighten this out, no matter how painful it might be to him.
"He loves you." Fei Long needed to know this, if it wasn't clear enough already.
"HE LEFT!"
He didn't just shout, he screamed. And that scream shook the whole room as well as Yoh's heart. He would never forget that look on Fei Long's face. The pain in his eyes was beyond frightening. He looked like he could break drown and cry any minute. Perhaps he did. Those beautiful eyes were dry but he could see unshed tears rolling down those delicate cheeks. Fei Long wasn't talking to him. He was yelling at himself, carving into his own heart the truth he didn't want to believe.
Why must someone so beautiful be made to suffer to this extent? Those stunning amethyst eyes weren't made to cry. Those perfect lips were made to be kissed, not to utter such cruel words. The kindness in his heart wasn't made to be hidden under a cold appearance. Fei Long was made to be loved and treasured. Yet he had no one. Every time he trusted he was betrayed. Everyone he loved deserted him.
This, was the great dragon of Baishe, feared by men and cursed by God himself.
Yoh stepped closer and reached out his hand to brush away those invisible tears. He could be killed for this but he didn't care anymore. Fei Long deserved more than this. Much more. He deserved to be loved. Really loved. Somewhere inside that body of a man was a boy, deserted, left hiding alone in the corner, waiting for someone to reach out for him.
"I'm right here, and I'll always be here." Yoh said softly, caressing the softness of those cheeks with the back of his hand.
'He loves you.'
Those words cut through his heart like a razor sharp blade. Whether it was true, he didn't know. What he knew was in Mikhail's presence he could breathe. In those arms he could come to love himself. Life was better with than without him. After all this time he had thought the feelings were mutual. That Mikhail cared as much as he did. But it was all a lie. Now all that's left was anger and pain. So much pain he didn't know how to handle. So much pain he felt like screaming for help.
He found himself pressing onto Yoh's touch. Somehow it lessened the pain in his heart. It was what he needed, all he needed, someone who can help him out of this darkness, someone to take away the pain. Anyone.
He leaned forward, pulling Yoh closer by his tie, so close that their lips almost touched. "Swear," He said softly. "that you will never leave my side. Swear your life to me, Yoh."
Yoh swallowed hard as he tried to control his breathing. The object of his desire was right in front of him, reaching out for his embrace.
"I swear with my life. I will never leave you."
For a moment there he thought he saw a faint smile on that beautiful face. Yet it was brief, so brief it might have been his own imagination. Fei Long kissed him. He found himself holding back at first, undecided whether it was real or one of his dreams. Yet no dreams could be so sweet. No illusions so warm. Fei Long was really kissing him. That slim, elegant body he had longed for was in his arms.
He pressed himself into Yoh's embrace, desperately searching for the solution to end his suffering. Someone to give him that warmth again, like Mikhail gave him. Someone to make him feel loved and treasured, like Mikhail loved and treasured him. Just someone, anyone, to take away this pain.
Yoh cold feel his blood rushing through his veins. An unquenchable hunger crept under every inch of his skin, hunger he had imprisoned in his heart for seven years. He pressed harder onto the softness of those lips he had longed desired, to which Fei Long accepted without hesitation. Right here, in his arms he can touch the untouchable. Right now, he can have what he could never have. The end of seven long years of relentless torture was just an arm's length away. He only had to reach out for it.
But could he?
He closed his eyes and collected all his strength to control himself and broke free from that kiss. No matter how utterly painful it was, he had to restrain himself. He couldn't do this to Fei Long. What Fei Long needed wasn't his love nor his embrace. It was someone else's. He would not be able to fill that void. To take advantage of him in his most vulnerable state would make him just another scum. It was the last thing Fei Long needed, someone to use and abuse him again. He would not be that person. Fei Long means much more to him than that. More than his own selfish needs.
"Yoh?"
Those beautiful amethyst eyes were full of questions when they looked upon his. Yoh turned his face away as he quietly apologized. "I can't do this. I'm sorry."
Silence filled the room and made the air heavy. A few moments later Fei Long started laughing quietly. Yoh looked up and saw that those eyes were not laughing at all.
"For seven years you've been watching me, undressing me with those eyes. You think I didn't know? Now you have my permission and you can't do it." He spoke slowly with the tone that was neither sarcastic nor sincere. "Am I really that pitiful, Yoh? Am I so tainted that even you can't bring yourself to touch me anymore?"
"There is not a single part of my body that doesn't want to touch you right now, and you know it." Yoh looked straight into his eyes to show the sincerity in his words. "It isn't me you want, and you will only regret it."
"Regret?" He repeated the familiar word with a sarcastic smile on his face. Then the smile disappeared underneath a sad, longing expression that tore at Yoh's heart as he quietly asked, "Would I, Yoh? Would you?"
"I won't. But you will."
Regret. Was he still capable of regretting over something? For what is regret if not the realization of a wrong doing that effects the future? There was no future left for him. Not in such relationships. Being betrayed twice was enough. There will not be the third. No, he wouldn't regret. He'd lost the ability to love something or someone enough to regret.
"There is nothing left for me to regret about, Yoh."
He just needed someone here, and all he had left was Yoh.
"Right now I need company, and I'm asking you. Don't deny me."
Normally those words would send him on his knees, and he wasn't sure it didn't. He wanted nothing more than to jump at the opportunity and fulfill his heart's desire. It took a tremendous amount of courage and self-discipline to stop himself from taking what was being offered, especially when he wanted it enough to die for it.
What he was about to say would hurt Fei Long, but no more than it would hurt him. "Right now you are my master, and I'm your subordinate." He bowed. "Liu Laoban."
He smiled to himself as Yoh left the room without another word. It couldn't have been clearer. Yoh's choice of addressing him slapped him hard on his face.
All he had left was Yoh.
He felt like laughing at that thought. Who was he kidding? There was no one here...no one at all. The room was empty, just like his heart. He could curl up in that corner and cry. But there would be no one to wipe his tears. No matter how much it hurts, there would be no arms to comfort him. He exists right here, but no one cared.
Yoh stood in silence with his back against the door. He closed his eyes and tried not to imagine what was happening in that room since he left. It was the worst time to leave him, yet if he had stayed any longer he would not be able to restrain himself. Fei Long was alone in that room, taking the cruelty of life in its most vicious intensity, locked together with all that pain and that void in his heart. The one man he cared about more than his own life was suffering on the other side of that door, and he was incapable of offering help. A single drop of tear rolled down his cheek. Just one. The pain in his heart was incomparable to what Fei long was going through. He would not dare cry for his own pain.
11pm. The door clicked open. Fei Long stepped out of his bedroom quietly with an empty expression on his face. "I need a car."
Yoh's heart stopped momentarily as he looked at his master. Fei Long was in a black silk shirt cut to hug his every curve with the first three buttons left undone. As if that wasn't enough to make someone go insane, he had put on a pair of black stretch pants cut so small one could see the muscle tone on those long, elegant legs. His hair was tied back loosely, showing off the perfect neckline that could seduce anyone in his path. It had been months ago since Yoh last saw him in those clothes, yet he immediately remembered the implication of such appearance. Fei Long was out to hunt.
He took a deep breath and tried to control the intense pain rising in his chest. "May I ask where you're going?"
Those amethyst eyes turned ice cold as he spoke. "It's not your place to ask questions. Get the car. I'm going alone."
***