A/N: Here it is my little ducklings, the latest installment in the great tale of Sheldon's self-discovery. I know I'm sounding like a broken record here but I really, truly, deeply appreciate the positive reviews for last chapter, and it really touched me that you all responded so well to the chapter and my take on Meemaw and George Cooper. As you all know by now, I live in Sweden and it's 2.44 am here as I'm posting this, but I just can't help it. This story just needs to come out of me, and I just need to share it with you. I hope you enjoy and as always - long live the Shamy!
"Sheldon, I know that your brain is busy solving the mysteries of the universe, but I'm pretty sure your arms are not. Do you think they could get themselves over here and, oh, I don't know… try to do some lifting?" Leonard Hofstadter groaned as he half-carried, half-dragged a large cardboard container into their joint living room. He leered at Sheldon, who was sitting in his spot sorting through the content of another moving box, handing over items to Amy who, in honor of the day, had been trusted with Sheldon's label maker. Penny had proclaimed herself supervisor of the project, shouting out various commands such as "hell no!" and "there is no way I'm letting that thing into my apartment" in between taking swigs of her bottle of beer.
"Oh, you are just impossible to please" Sheldon sighed despondently, shooting a disappointed look at his bespectacled roommate. "I try to be supportive of your upcoming relocation by allowing you to clear your things out of our collective closet, and all you do is complain about it" he lectured, motioning with his hand at the cardboard containers to emphasize his point. "I haven't even pointed out the complete absurdity of the fact that you started by taking out the boxes at the back of the closet!" he added, raising his voice as he felt himself grow more and more agitated.
"Sheldon, most of these boxes are yours!" Leonard exclaimed as he put the box he was carrying down to wipe the sweat off of his forehead.
"Well, if I'm compromising by doing something for you, exempli gratia agreeing to not run away for 45 days every time you express the desire to leave me and move in with Penny, I feel it's only fair that you assist me in clearing out the closet to make room for my comic book collection" Sheldon argued, and then turned to Amy to reprimand her for putting his Batman figures into a plastic box labeled "Toys". Amy muttered something unintelligible under her breath and then began the painstaking process of labeling each figure individually.
"Can't you keep your comic books in my old room?" Leonard asked confusedly, putting his hands on his hips.
"I can't. That room will be occupied" Sheldon informed him, which elicited a gasp from Amy and very nearly caused Penny to choke on her beer.
Leonard raised his eyebrows, the corners of his mouth curling upwards in a knowing grin.
"Oh, I see. So Amy's finally moving in huh?"
Sheldon frowned.
"No, that's where I'm building my Star Wars-themed Legoland" he replied, to which Penny rolled her eyes and Amy gulped down a lump of disappointment, busying herself with the Batman figures so the others wouldn't notice the sad look grazing her features.
"Of course it is" Leonard muttered, and bent over to pick up the box, putting it down in front of the coffee table as he had been previously instructed. Panting heavily, he took out a light blue inhaler from his back pocket, shaking it before pulling in a lungful of Salbutamol.
"What do you keep in there anyways? Bricks?" he croaked and pointed to the box with his foot, feeling the swelling in his airways slowly mitigating.
"I don't know. I've never opened that box" Sheldon answered truthfully.
"Wait, it's your box, how can you not know what's in it?" Amy frowned, putting down the label maker as she turned to look at her boyfriend.
"Yeah, I thought you had that super-memory thingy so you can't forget things?" Penny said, earning her a condescending sigh from Sheldon.
"For the hundredth time Penny, I have an eidetic memory, not a 'super-memory thingy', and it doesn't mean I can't forget things. Of course, I never do, but that's beside the point. The reason why I don't know what's in the box is that I wasn't there at the time of its assemblage" he enlightened his blonde friend, shaking his head as if wondering why he was even bothering.
"Oh…" Penny said flatly, finding herself unable to come up with a good comeback. "Well… if you don't know what's in it, how come you've never opened it? That doesn't sound like you at all."
Sheldon opened his mouth to tell her to mind her own business, only to close it as he realized her question was legitimate. Why hadn't he opened it? It wasn't the complete truth that he didn't know what was in it: his mother had informed him when she handed it over to him all those years ago. He had accepted the box, promising his mother to take good care of it, only to banish it to the back of his closet, never to open it. Of course he had thought of it: there were times when curiosity almost got the better of him, but it was always defeated by fear. Fear of what kind of ghosts he would summon should he dare open it, fear of finding out its exact content and its implications, fear of disappointment…
He shuddered, trying to will the anxiety away, but it was so hard. There it was, beckoning him like Pandora's Box, threatening to release all kinds of pain and misery.
'But within Pandora's box was also Hope" a voice whispered in the back of his head, and suddenly he heard himself open up to his friends, unable to control the flow of words from his mouth, as if he was a bystander at the back of the room.
"My mother left it to me after my father passed away. She told me he had left her specific instructions as to what to put in it before he was rolled into the operating room after having suffered a heart attack. He died later that day during surgery… My mother gave it to me after the funeral, and I took it with me back to California… And I… Never opened it" he confessed, feeling completely drained of energy. He found himself swimming in that sea of emotions again, the one that constantly threatened to pull him down beneath the surface. Suddenly, something grazed his fingers, stroking the back of his hand soothingly.
Amy.
He turned to look at her, searching for warmth and comfort, and finding it in those forest green eyes of hers.
"Why don't we open it together?" she suggested softly, gently squeezing his hand.
"Yeah buddy, we'll open it together" Leonard agreed, shooting off an encouraging smile. He turned to Penny, who nodded in agreement. "We'll open it with you sweetie" she said, standing up to put her arm around Leonard's shoulder.
"…Alright. I guess I can't postpone this any longer" Sheldon let out, getting up from his spot and walking up to the large cardboard box, his friends joining him around it. They got down on their knees, all of them slightly nervous. Penny, Amy, and Leonard because they had no idea how Sheldon would react once he opened the box, and Sheldon because of reasons he wasn't ready to deal with yet.
Slowly, he pulled off the tape off the lid, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. Thinking it was better to just get it over with, he tore it open, leaning over to peek into it, as did his friends. His eyes caught sight of something that looked like blue fabric, and some type of brown leather. Curiously, he reached down and grabbed the leathery item, instantly recognizing it as he held it out in front of him. Gently folding it and putting it down on the floor next to him, he reached down to pick up the rest of the garments. A blue denim shirt. A baseball cap. Two pair of jeans, and a belt with a large silvery buckle.
"Clothes? Your father left you clothes?" Penny asked disbelievingly, earning her an elbow in the side from Amy.
"They were his clothes. He used to wear that leather jacket every winter…" Sheldon replied absent-mindedly, his eyes glazed over.
"There are other things in there Sheldon" Amy said, pulling out a small wooden box, knowing Sheldon wouldn't mind. She held it out to him and he accepted it, nearly dropping it once he saw what was hidden inside.
"They're… they're letters from my mother. Love letters. I don't believe this…" he whispered, unable to make sense of what was happening to him. He didn't know how to process this information: whatever he had imagined was in that box, he would never have guessed his father would leave him love letters from his mother. That went against everything he knew about George Cooper Sr.
"Hey, what's that wooden thing at the bottom?" Penny asked, peeking into the box, ignoring the force ten death glare from Sheldon.
"That explains the weight" Leonard realized, reaching back to massage his shoulder. He would be sore in the morning for sure.
"I haven't the slightest" Sheldon confessed. "Amy, would you assist me? It's quite heavy" he asked his girlfriend, who helped supporting the weight of the wooden item as he picked it up from the bottom of the box. There were 5 pieces altogether, along with a small plastic can filled with wooden plugs, metal screws, plates, and screw nuts.
"Is that what I think it is?" Penny asked, having been raised on a farm and having some basic knowledge of carpentry.
"It's a cradle. When my mother told him she was pregnant with my older brother, he spent three days in the shed making one, giving it to her as a gift. He made one especially for Missy when she and I were born… I slept in George's cradle. He must… He must have made this for me, for my… I mean… He must have made it but never assembled the pieces…" Sheldon told her, feeling lightheaded.
There was an awkward silence. Leonard kept waiting for Sheldon to snap and start yelling, Penny wanted to 'ooh' and 'aww' at the sweetness of it all but wisely kept her mouth shut, and Amy was scared to death that what she wanted to say would scare Sheldon away forever. She kept quiet, allowing it all to sink in. She turned to look at Sheldon, who was quietly stroking the leather jacket next to him, and like so many times before, she wished she knew what was going on in that beautiful mind of his.
Penny looked around, feeling the need to ease the mood.
"Well Tex, that looks like quite the outfit. Why dontch'a try it on? Model for us?" She twanged, cocking her head to the side flirtatiously.
"Don't be silly Penny, there is no way these are my size. My father was much bigger than I" Sheldon scoffed, forgetting about the cradle and the letters for a second. Women and their hippy-dippy notions. 'Model' for them? He had never 'modeled' in his life. Well, not counting the times Missy made him wear her dresses and shoes, forcing him to put on pretend Runway shows with her. But that was a secret he'd take to his grave.
"Come on Sheldon, I modeled for you that time when Penny and Bernadette and I were going out for drinks!" Amy reminded him, she too desperate to ease the tension.
"That's true Sheldon, they did model for us" Leonard smirked, joining in with the girls.
Sheldon raised his eyebrow.
"Et tu, Leonard? I am willing to forgive the women, the poor things can't really help it after all, but you? I expected more from you" he sighed disappointingly.
"What can I say? I guess there really must have been something in the soy milk" Leonard shrugged, still grinning.
"Alright, alright…" Sheldon succumbed, picking up the garments and carried them with him to his bedroom. He softly shut the door behind him, and put the clothes on the bed before he proceeded with taking off his t-shirts and pants. He picked up one of the pairs of jeans, holding them out in front of him. 'This is silly' he thought as he stepped into them, pulling up the zipper and buttoning them at the top. He went on with the shirt and the belt, and finished off by slipping into the leather jacket. Finally, he grabbed the baseball cap and put it on, slightly surprised that he didn't have to adjust it. Sighing heavily, he opened the closet door to look himself in the mirror, suppressing a shriek at the sight that met him.
There was his father, staring back at him. 'I'm going insane' Sheldon thought, beginning to hyperventilate. He angrily reached out his hand to wipe at the glass, thinking it would somehow make the ghost disappear, only to realize that whoever was in that mirror was mimicking his movements. Oh. Oh dear. How did he not realize…?
'It's my reflection' Sheldon thought, suddenly ashamed that he had let himself believe that the image had been that of his father.
He had been 14 at the time of his death. Scrawny, still awaiting his growth spurt, with slender shoulders and narrow hips. His father had been middle-aged, his figure reminiscent of all the heart-combusting meals his mother would cook for him despite the fact that they no longer shared a bedroom, and Sheldon had always thought of them as virtually different.
And here he was, 35 years old, and his father's clothes fit perfectly. Had it really been that long?
He had no idea how long he had been standing there when he suddenly heard someone softly knocking on the door.
"Sheldon? Is everything okay?" he heard Amy call from the other side.
No. No he was definitely not okay.
"I… I don't know" he stammered, unable to tear himself away from his reflection. "I think… I think I may be having a panic attack".
"Can I come in?" she asked, reminding him of that night when they had re-enacted Prom. That night when he'd told her he loved her.
"…Okay" he said, and heard the door softly swing open, hearing her softly close it behind her.
"Sheldon?" she asked again and he turned around, the blood drained from his face.
"I saw him" he said, his voice shaking.
"Saw who?" Amy queried as she walked up to him, stopping at arm's length. She quietly eyed him, a curious expression grazing her dark features. He looked so different.
"My father" Sheldon whispered. "Or….or at least I thought it was. I looked in the mirror and there he was, staring at me… And then… then I realized… It was me. I look just like him. I can't… I can't believe I never saw it before."
Amy didn't say anything. Slowly she reached out, grabbing the baseball cap and taking it off. She let it hang by her side as she kept looking at him, a soft smile grazing her lips.
"There's my Sheldon" she mumbled, reaching out again to comb his hair with her fingers.
Oh, Amy. His wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking Amy. How was it that she always knew what to do?
He stretched out his hands and grabbed her by the hips, swiftly pulling her to him, and pressed his lips against hers in a searing kiss. 'Heal me' he quietly begged. 'Hold on to me and never let go'.
They were both breathing heavily when they broke away from each other. Sheldon still kept his hands on Amy's hips, keeping her close to him.
"Were you sad… when I said that you weren't moving in?" he asked, leaning his forehead against hers.
"A little" Amy said, her arms clutching his shoulders.
"It doesn't mean I don't want you to" he whispered.
"I know" she whispered back, turning to rest her head on his shoulder.
He put his arms around her, feeling her body press into his, knowing that she could sense that problem of his and finding that for the first time in his life… he was okay with it.