Selfish Thoughts
Seamus just threw himself through the first unlocked door he could find at the Embassy and locked it behind himself with a flick of his wand.
He heaved an enormously deep sigh as he closed his eyes and rubbed his hands over his face in an attempt to wake himself up. This had been a long day and he hadn't had one single moment of it to himself until now. He looked around the room and saw that he was in a poorly lit clerk's office. It must've been one of the few offices in the Embassy that wasn't the temporary home of one family or another.
"Hiding from the women are you?" a voice called out, making Seamus jump and spin around on the spot.
Dean's father, Darren Thomas, stepped out of the shadows with a muggle newspaper in his hands and a wide grin on his face.
"So many women in one enclosed space, it gets to you pretty fast doesn't it?" he chuckled.
"Oh you're tellin' me!" Seamus huffed as he dropped himself into a vacant chair in front of the cluttered desk, "I've got my Aunt Marie going crazy over me ma in one ear and me ma going mental over Aunt Marie in the other and all the while I'm trying to get to my man Potter to find out what he knows, if anything, and then the Weasley twins intercept me and I'm talking about the last time I saw Ron and Lee fer half an hour!"
Mr Thomas sighed and sat down on the corner of the desk with a shake of the head.
"I keep finding things to do with myself so I don't have to get involved with the whole waiting and fretting process out there," he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, "Do you?"
"Nah, I'm a boozer me!" Seamus grinned as he propped his head up on his elbow, which rested on the arm of the chair.
"Good choice," Mr Thomas nodded, "easier to cover up drink then smoke. If you see my missus I don't do either alright?"
"Alright there Mr Thomas!" Seamus chuckled.
"Darren please."
"Secret's safe with me Darren."
Darren lit his cigarette and Seamus scanned the walls of the office idly. There were a lot of posters and memos written in Dutch, some looked like they were Russian or Greek, and one or two unfurled scrolls of parchment on the desk were scribbled in English.
This had obviously not been the office of anybody very important. Seamus glanced up to the ceiling and saw a couple of broken links of a paper chain left over from Christmas still hanging from the ceiling.
"I just deliberately broke the upstairs toilet y'know?" Darren said aloud as he exhaled a plume of smoke idly.
"Ye wha?" Seamus frowned.
Darren tried to suppress a guilty smirk.
"I broke the stove as well. I keep breaking stuff and then disappearing for a few hours to 'fix' it," Darren made air quotations as he said the word fix and Seamus laughed, "it gets me away from the wife and all the mothers."
Seamus shook his head and rubbed his forehead roughly.
"I wish I knew how to fix stuff," he mumbled.
"You don't have to know how to fix stuff, you just have to know how to break stuff!"
"Now that I can do!" Seamus said proudly while Darren sniggered, "If yeh want anythin blowin' up, I'm yer man."
"Oh I think we'll save the real destruction for when we get into a real fix. Like when Carol wants to talk about 'feelings'"
"Oh Godric, I hate feelings!" Seamus groaned, "me ma's got enough fer the whole Embassy and she still doesn't think that it's enough. She's constantly on at poor Aunt Marie because she's not letting herself become a gibberin' wreck."
"What is it with people wanting to see you cry?" Darren said as he took another drag.
"I like that best about my Aunt Marie! I like that she doesn't lose her head at every little thing," Seamus said as he sat back in his chair and plonked his feet up onto the desk, "I mean yeh can worry without...letting people see can't yeh?"
"Not any more mate," Darren said as he leaned against the wall and flicked some ash into a nearby caldron, "you've got to let it all out or be branded repressed."
"Well get out the brandin' iron and burn it into me arse," Seamus said defiantly, "I'm repressin' me depression! I'm denyin' all me cryin'. I'm abstainin' from complainin'."
Darren laughed at this and soon Seamus was chuckling, pleased with himself for the lyricism of his little outburst, and the two of them fell silent again.
"Oh God, those Weasleys," Darren suddenly said with a wide eyed shake of the head, "They're so intimidating. There's so many of them."
"Ah no they're good people the Weasley's," Seamus nodded sincerely.
"Oh I know that but it's kind of hard to break through the wall of chatter to say hello isn't it. It's like a private, members only club with them and I'm not invited."
Seamus frowned as he swivelled his chair from side to side while thinking about this statement.
"They're just worried like the rest of us, that's all," he said as Darren stubbed his cigarette, "I know what yeh mean about the invisible wall though. I used to get it at school, me and Dean both did, it was Potter, Weasley and Granger and everybody else on the outside lookin' in."
"Well I'm sure the same could be said of you and Dean eh?" Darren shrugged, "Thick as thieves you two."
Seamus chuckled wickedly.
"Yeah well, Dean went out with their girl Ginny didn't he and it still didn't get him on the inside? Now Neville, don't ask me how, but Longbottom managed to break through and get in the loop of things. Not the inner loop but a loop all the same. What's Longbottom got that I haven't I ask yeh?"
Darren shook his head.
"I don't know which one he is, sorry mate."
"Oh he's not here, his gran's on her last legs, he has to nurse her constantly now, poor sod."
"Oh right," Darren said as he pulled a breath mint from his pocket and tossed it into his open mouth before offering one to Seamus who declined wordlessly, "Well I see Carol's bonded with the mother. It's nice that she has someone to talk to...y'know? Seeing as I won't!"
Seamus sniggered at this.
"Yeah, she's spendin' time with Aunt Marie as well. Pissing me mother off somethin' chronic that is. I had to have words with her to be honest and that's why I'm hiding in here."
"Oh yeah, stress making her snappy is it?" Darren frowned.
"Somethin' like tha yeah," Seamus said as he lowered his legs from the desk and spun the chair around to face Darren, "She made some stupid comment about it bein' worse fer Aunt Marie and those who only have the one kid while the Weasley's have so many and are takin' over the place as if their kid's more important then the others 'cause he's got more people watin' fer 'im."
"Right," Darren said with a shake of the head, "I overheard that pompous prick MacGalagan or something..."
"McLaggen," Seamus corrected, knowing that anything that man had to say was bound to be moronic.
"Yeah him, well he was pissing and moaning to his missus that anybody with seven kids would feel the loss of one less then somebody who only had one child."
"Dick head!" Seamus scowled to himself.
"Well that's what I told him pretty much, "I may have commented on his lack of hair and told him it was hard to make out exactly what he was saying with his head up his arse but the gist of it was me saying dick head."
Seamus cackled at this and realised where Dean got his dry sense of humour.
"As if the more kids you have, the more expendable they become. What a load of cobblers!" Darren said, getting annoyed all over again it seemed.
"Ignore 'im," Seamus said with a dismissive wave of the hand, "There's one thing worse then a bigoted gobshite and that's a scared bigoted gobshite!"
"Don't I know it," Darren said as he folded his arms across his chest.
Seamus realised that he was swearing a little too much considering he was in front of his best friend's father but the man didn't seem to mind so he thought better of drawing attention to that fact by apologising for it.
"To be totally honest with you Seamus," Darren said, looking down at his feet now, "I'm so glad that the Ambassador didn't have anybody waiting here for news of him because I wouldn't have been able to look them in the eye and tell them I'm sorry it was him and not Dean. I can't look anybody in the eye and face the fact that I want these people's kids to die so mine doesn't have to."
"Don't think like that, it'll kill yeh," Seamus said in a low voice.
"I know."
"D'ya know what? I'm glad it was him, the Ambassador I mean, I'm glad it was him and not Fergus or Dean or Ron or Colin or any of my mates."
"Don't do that to yourself kid," Darren said as he pushed himself up and put a hand on Seamus' back.
"But it's true," he said, looking up at the older man, his expression eerily blank, "I never met him, I never knew him and I'd never heard of him until all this and I want everybody who fills that criteria to go first because I just don't care about them."
"You think you're the only one who's tearing themself apart because they think that? We're all thinking that Seamus, we're all human after all, and we just want our loved ones to get through this alright."
"I never thought I'd be so happy to hear that a good man had been murdered but there I was this afternoon, almost smiling when I heard."
"Seriously son, stop doing this, stop thinking about that," Darren said as he shook Seamus bracingly.
"How can I not when I'm in my mother's company hour after hour?" Seamus snapped as he got to his feet, "You know she's got her own little 'death list' in her head, all written out in her brain, who deserves to die in what order. Who should go before her nephew in her educated opinion. I see her scannin' the place at dinner and tickin' 'em off in her head. Yours should go before Fergus, yours should go before Fergus, yours should die and then yours and yours and your-"
"Grab that paperweight!" Darren said out of the blue, pointing at a large heavy glass dome on the cluttered desk.
"Wha?" Seamus frowned.
"Grab that paperweight and come with me," Darren said with a look of determination set on his features, "We're going to find something to break and then I'm going to teach you how to repair it the muggle way."
Seamus broke into a smile before reaching for the paperweight and tossing in his hand like a quaffle he was about to pass to a teammate. Darren's face broke into a grin, his cheeks doing that chirpy gerbil thing that Dean always used to tell him about, and he swung open the door.
"Let's go express our emotions!"
Ron knelt beside Tommy and put his hand to his forehead, frowning at the amount of heat that was still coming from the sick wizard's skin.
"I know what you're thinking," Tommy said, his large eyes staring back up at Ron and his voice shaken by the constant shivering.
"Oh yeah," Ron grinned, "what's that then?"
"You were thinking, 'if only I had an egg I could fry it up on this guys flat head and finally shut that noisy stomach of mine up'!"
Ron chuckled at this at the exact moment his empty stomach groaned and contracted even more.
"Now that's just scary!" the redhead said as he removed his hand from Tommy's forehead and sat down beside him, leaning against the damp wall.
"Still," Tommy said, nudging Ron in the ribs as he strained to sit up beside Ron, "water tomorrow eh? That's something to look forward to isn't it?"
Ron's smile faded and he rubbed his face roughly with both hands.
"If that bastard keeps his word."
"I dunno, I think he's got something up his sleeve but I also think he gives exactly what he says he's going to give you. He's a clever one that Puppet Master bloke," Tommy's whole body gave an involuntary shudder before Ron began to pull off his blood stained jumper to give him an extra layer of warmth, "No don't, you need it. I'm fine, really."
Ron removed his jumper and began to force it over Tommy's head while ignoring the weakened young man's muffled protests.
"Listen the sleeves are aggravating my wrists alright?" Ron said pointedly as Tommy's head popped through the neck of the tatty old Weasley jumper, "If I take it off and leave it on the floor it'll get damp and grotty but if you wear it and then give it back to me later then it'll be all warm and toastie for me."
Ron was manipulating Tommy's arms through the sleeves while Tommy gave him a look that told him he wasn't buying it for a second but he'd let it go for now. Ron smirked at his little victory. Tommy looked down at Ron's scabby, bloodstained wrists and winced.
"What'd he do to you out there?" his shaking hands took one of Ron's arms and examined it closely.
"So...I don't know anything about you mate," Ron beamed as if Tommy hadn't said anything at all, "Lee's pulling rank 'cause he's older then me, please tell me you're over twenty two?"
"Twenty one, sorry," Tommy shrugged before looking Ron hard in the eye and refusing to release his injured wrist from his grasp, "Now I've answered one of your questions you have to answer one of mine. How did this happen?"
Ron looked back at Tommy, slightly annoyed that he wasn't going to let this go.
"Chained to a wall," Ron shrugged, "So where are you from?"
"Chained to the wall isn't the full answer, I want the full answer Ron," Tommy said as Ron yanked his arm away from his feverish inquisitor.
Lee had been snoozing in the corner very lightly, as soon as Tommy and Ron began talking he had stirred and woken but not said a word, now he was holding his breath and listening for the answer. Ron could feel his eyes on his back.
"Chained to the wall with my feet off the ground alright?" Ron said resentfully.
"So you were pulling right against them the whole time you were gone?" Tommy said as he winced and looked back down at Ron's forearms.
Ron tried to fold his arms to hide his wounds but it didn't really work.
"They cut in a bit yeah. Right so now it's my turn," Ron said with a huff.
"I'm from Leytonstone," Tommy smiled.
"That question is void," Ron said with a scowl, "you asked a simple question and then wanted details so I'm allowed to amend my question so I can do the same thing to you."
Tommy found this quite amusing and nodded.
"Go ahead then, give me your question."
"How d'you end up in this mess?" Ron blinked.
"Wait up," Tommy said incredulously, "that's not a question with a couple of details that's like an epic. That's not fair!"
"So you're with the Order yeah?" Ron said, arching his eyebrows.
"Yeah," Tommy confirmed.
"How d'you get into that, who do you work with that I might know and where were you based when you got sick?"
"Right, you're going to get some proper questions when my turn comes along you know that?" Tommy pointed at Ron who gave a 'pft' of defiance, "Okay, I wanted to help. I wanted to fight. I saw something in the Prophet asking for people willing to do anything, no matter how menial and unsatisfying, to contribute. I thought, well that sounds like an awful, thankless way to join the war effort but at least I can get my foot in the door and it turned out to be..."
"Shacklebolt's coded advertisement for new Order members," Lee said over Ron's shoulder with a smile in his voice.
"That's the one," Tommy nodded ruefully, "So I joined up via a fluke, got assigned to a team of all the other new recruits and sent to Maastrict to wait for anybody to call for emergency back up."
"So you were on standby in Belgium?" Ron clarified.
"Yep," Tommy nodded, "Got called in when there were more Death Eaters then expected during a raid in Holland and hit with a freezing curse. By the time somebody got to me to thaw me out I had hypothermia and I was bouncing all over the country trying to find a healer. Came to Venlo to meet up with Callahan and get myself sorted but then..."
"So it was your first action?" Lee said pityingly.
"Just my luck," Tommy grumbled before looking back at Ron and seeming to search for a really good question that Ron wouldn't be allowed to avoid answering, "So, your turn again, I think I'll go back to what went on this morning before they killed the Ambassador."
"Let it drop Tom," Ron said wearily.
"Nope," he said as he hugged his two layers of other people's clothing to his shaking body, "I think I want to know what you did to get us water tomorrow."
Ron knew that if he held back on this Prang would probably just tell them anyway and make it sound a whole lot worse then it really was so he bit the bullet and went for it.
"He had a glass of some grimy water that turned out to be sea water and said either me or McLaggen had to drink it to get water for the rest of you."
Lee scrambled to his side and stared at Ron in horror.
"You drank a whole glass of sea water?" he snapped.
"What's this?" Cally was calling out from his cell next door.
Ron glared at Lee and hissed at him to keep it down.
"I puked most of it back up when I came back didn't I?" he said, defensively.
"See that's what I meant about that Puppet Master bloke," Tommy coughed as he looked from Ron to Lee, "you tell him Ron needs water and he gives him salt water."
"Fucking sadist," Lee growled.
"My turn!" Ron said with a look that told them that conversation was over, "I don't recognise you from Hogwarts, where'd you learn magic?"
Lee shifted his weight, the hard floor of the cell obviously giving him pins and needles now, and answered the question.
"It's just me and my mum at home. If I'd have gone off to boarding school she'd have been on her own for most of the year and I couldn't leave her. They've got programmes for people like me. Home schooling it's called."
Ron shook his head on hearing this news.
"So your mum wasn't lonely but...fuck you must've been!"
"Well there are about a dozen like me in the London area and we'd get together twice a week for group lessons, y'know, the practical stuff you've got to do rather then read?" Tommy said before sniffing and coughing a little more, "Well we all made friends there so it wasn't so bad really."
"Still," Lee said, looking kind of disturbed by something about that set-up, "no Quidditch. I don't know if learning magic is worth it if you don't get to have Quidditch."
Ron and Tommy sniggered at this before Tommy broke the mood with his next question.
"Why'd you say sorry to McLaggen when you're the one who took the Cruciatus curse for him?"
Ron shook his head and got up to his feet.
"That's enough now," he said as he stepped over Lee to look out the cell window at the receding dusk light.
"No," Tommy said, he sounded determined but very sympathetic at the same time, "You answer my question."
Ron fixed his eyes on the courtyard where Secretan had been murdered only hours earlier and shook his head without a word.
"He saved P-Prang from getting tortured," a ragged voice called out from across the corridor, it was McLaggen, "He's beating himself up because he couldn't save us both but he saved Prang and s-somebody needs to remind him of that."
Ron's head turned and he stared out of the opening in the cell door. He couldn't see McLaggen's cell from where he stood but he could see Dean Thomas and Auror Maccario at their door right opposite and they smiled at him.
Suddenly the main door to the cellblock clunked open and every cell fell silent.
There were clear measured footsteps sounding against the stone floor and the Puppet Master spoke up.
"Warr is de bioed verrader?" he said with mild amusement in his tone.
There were two sets of footsteps rushing into the cellblock behind him and one of them magically opened the door to Ron's cell. Lee stood before Tommy protectively while Tommy tried to get to his feet, snarling his disgust at their captors under his breath the whole time. Ron moved forward to shove Tommy back down to the ground when both Death Eaters wands pointed directly into his chest and Ron froze.
"U jongen, het einde!" one of them said.
"Hem aan breng me," the Puppet Master said lazily and one of the Death Eaters lurched into the tiny cell and pulled Ron out of it by the front of his t-shirt.
"Would yeh lay off him fer fuck's sake!" Fergus Finnegan was roaring as Ron was thrown towards the Puppet Master and the cell door closed behind him just as Tommy and Lee were reaching out to try and grab Ron's flailing leg.
With the sound of Lee and Dean hollering abuse and demands for them to take Ron's place this time, he felt the Puppet Master jam his wand tip into the side of his throat and slam him up against the far wall. The Puppet Master leaned in close and whispered into Ron's ear with that sickeningly moist breath of his.
"The next one of them that speaks in your defence will pay the price, Firebrand!"
He pulled Ron back from the wall and swung him around to shove him hard into the closed door of Cally and Colin's cell.
"You will all remain quiet and that is my order!" the Puppet Master yelled to all the faces at the cell doors before jamming the wand tip even harder into Ron's throat.
Ron gagged at little and Cally looked him in the eye and parted his lips to tell the Puppet Master to go easy on him but Ron widened his eyes and mouthed the word 'no'. Cally seemed to know that something was going on and turned to Colin to shake his head and then do the same to Belby where he was sat on the floor in shock.
"Very good," the Puppet Master said, his breath on the back of Ron's neck, "Now for our celebrity."
Ron was yanked away from Cally's door and his chest bounced off the cell opposite where Krum was watching with livid eyes. Ron gasped as the air was knocked out of his lungs and his eyes burned as they suddenly flooded. He drew breath and puffed out his chest to tell the Puppet Master just what he could do with his demand for silence but Ron pleaded with the surly proud wizard with his watering eyes. He swallowed down his discomfort and mouthed his warning once again.
'No, please'
Krum stared at Ron in confusion for a moment before biting his tongue and pressing his lips together until they were practically white.
"Good boy," the delighted Puppet Master said, his patronising voice sending shivers down Ron's spine.
Before Ron could thank Krum he as thrown back to the other side and hit the closed door to his own cell now and was about to try to warn Lee when the Puppet Master's hand clamped down hard over his mouth and Ron's eyes bulged so much that they didn't feel as if they were still inside his skull at all. Lee was looking right at him and Ron had no other way of telling him to keep his mouth shut other then with his eyes.
Lee seemed to be conflicted. He could tell that the others hadn't spoken for a very good reason and knew by Ron's eyes that he should do as he was told but his instinct was bursting to explode from within him and bellow at the Puppet Master to let Ron go. Ron caught a glimpse of Tommy on the floor and saw him tugging at Lee's trouser leg frantically. Lee looked down at Tommy made a zipping gesture over his lips and pointed at Ron and mimed the hand over his mouth, pointed to Lee and put his finger to his lips.
Ron closed his eyes with relief that Tommy seemed to understand the game. Ron's mouth had been covered this time because he was telling the others not to say anything. He looked back to Lee and willed him to understand. Lee swallowed and stepped back from the cell door with his arms folded across his chest. He didn't say a word.
"Oh this is marvellous," the Puppet Master said with relish as he spun Ron away to slam him against the opposite cell where Dean was looking about really to spit blood.
The hand was still secure over Ron's mouth and the wand jammed in even harder, Ron winced and gave a muffled yelp before he could begin trying to communicate the trap with his old dormitory mate.
"You fucker!" Dean hissed.
Ron was thrown to the ground as the Puppet Master raised both his arms victoriously and declared his joy to his men.
"Neem weg hem!"
"No wait," Ron said as he tried to scramble back up from the floor.
A boot slammed into his stomach and Ron crumpled onto the ground, wheezing and sputtering, while the door to Dean's cell was unlocked and a fight broke out between Maccario and the Death Eater guard attempting to extricate Dean from the cell. There was a bright flash of red light and the sound of a body hitting the ground forced Ron to open his eyes completely. He saw Maccario being cradled in Sloper's arms while he yelled after Dean as he was dragged kicking and swearing from his cell.
The door to Dean's cell slammed shut at the same moment the door to Ron's swung open and the Puppet Master booted Ron back inside. Lee ran forward to drag Ron deeper into the cell and out of reach while Tommy spat onto the Puppet Master's pristine robes. The Puppet Master looked down at the trickle of bile before flushing in the face and flicking his wand at Tommy's chest.
"Everbero!" he snarled.
Tommy was hit with something that winded him and painfully held him down to the floor. Ron drew in a strained breath and yelled out to his nemesis.
"Enough!"
The Puppet Master smirked and broke the connection with Tommy.
"Enough for now Firebrand, we will play again tomorrow."
The Puppet Master turned on his heel and strode out of the cell, the door closing behind him and then the main door booming shut soon after.
"Fucking hell!" Fergus exclaimed.
"What the hell was all that about?" Prang demanded.
"He was going to punish the first one of us to stand up for Ron," Cally said, his voice sounding sickened, "You alright kid?"
Ron was still coughing but he nodded.
"He's gonna be okay Cally," Lee called back shakily.
Ron shoved Lee away from him and toward Tommy. Lee paused for a moment before Ron gave him a second shove and he crawled over to Tommy's side. He was shaking even worse then before and he was also coughing and straining to breathe. It was the same hard-hitting spell that had been used on Lee and it hurt like hell but didn't last.
"You'll be okay Tommy mate alright? Just try to breathe easy for me okay?"
Tommy rolled over onto his back and seemed to nod. Ron clutched his stomach and drew his knees up to his chest in his own attempt to get back up again but he gave up when the fresh bruise and the old bruises on his tender stomach knocked him back down with a new kind of discomfort.
"Oh shit Ron," Ernie MacMillan exhaled, "he really has singled you out."