A/N Firstly I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update this! Children and illnesses are never ending, anyway, I really hope you like this chapter, I've been thinking this out since I posted the last chapter, it's quite a big part of the story so hopefully you will like it and please, pretty please with a cherry on top, leave a review for me, I love reading all your thoughts, so just fill in a little comment it would mean the world to me :D

I Gilbert Arthur Grissom admit that I am a complete ass, yes, you probably all have other, far worse names for me, and trust me I've called myself them all before, but right now, I don't know what I'm doing. Actually I do.

Seven Years ago.

I can't believe that I've just done that. Okay so alcohol was involved, but I have never slept with a student before, Sara's not like any other student though, she's amazing, so smart, she challenges me and she is so so beautiful. I knew from the minute I saw her that it was going to be different between us. Ending up in my hotel room after our discussions took us to the bar downstairs. Yes okay I'll probably regret it in the morning when I sober up, but I know one thing is for sure, it wasn't just sex, something else was there, it was the best I've ever had, and I doubt I'll ever find anyone who will even come close to the way it felt with Sara. She's younger than me, fifteen years, but she didn't make me feel old at all, she made me feel younger than I've ever felt before. I just hope it was as good for her as it was for me.

Six years and nine months ago.

I'm going to be a father, I never thought I'd say that, but I am, that one night I spent with the amazing Sara Sidle ended up that she has fallen pregnant and now I'm going to be a dad. Me a father, it's scary and exciting all at the same time, It was something I never thought I'd get the opportunity to do, to influence someone that is half of me. The only problem is that Sara lives in San Francisco while I live in Las Vegas, we need to have a proper talk when I'm not in so much shock, but in all honestly, I can't wait for the next six months to past and I can hold my child.

Six years and three months ago.

Hayden is perfect, I'm officially a father now, Hayden is so beautiful . Sara and I came to decision that we would see how things would work with her in San Francisco as she is so close to reaching level three as a CSI, I want her to be successful, and I can always fly out or drive there, I'm going to talk to Jim and organise my days off to always be in chunks so I can spend a few days with Hayden. My son. He is so like Sara in the face, but has the Grissom dimple in the chin. I just can't believe he is finally here, I've held my son.

Four years ago.

I've missed so much, his firsts, tooth, smile, step, run even, it's so hard that I live so far away from him, Sara relies on her friends and a neighbor to take care of Hayden while she's working, so it's not like she's getting to be with him all the time. I've suggested she moves here, or I'll even move there, but she has said that she can't let me give up all I've worked for here. And yet again we've had to take on some useless college leaver into the lab. Sara would be perfect in our team, it should be her we are hiring not someone that is doing everything textbook, it makes me so mad that I can't even get her to come to Las Vegas.

Three years ago.

So after some hard discussions we've decided that I'm going to try get her a position in Las Vegas crime lab. Jim has just informed me that we've got yet another new start fresh out of college, I wonder how long this one will last. I got to spend a whole week with Hayden and it's amazing how grown up he is, he's like Sara and myself in so many ways, but he never fails to make me smile. The worst thing happened with that new start, she was shot on scene, I feel bad for her family, one day in the job and she was murdered. But it gave me the opportunity to get Sara into the lab finally. She had her friends pack up all her things while she and Hayden came her and she started work. I've found them a two bedroomed apartment near my townhouse as I know that Sara and I will not be living together, nothing romantically has happened between us since the night Hayden was conceived, and I doubt it ever will.

Three months ago.

I've spent the best part of three years pushing Sara away, yes, I have refused to receive affection from Sara, the only woman that can make me feel the way she did and I'm pushing her away. And for the life of me, I don't know why anymore. It's become so hard, I really hate hurting her, but work, that's my main excuse, age is always another one I use, that's what I tell myself everytime I see her hurting. It;s getting unbearable when we have discussions on Hayden and doing things with him, school related things or just having family time. My mother adores Hayden and has taught Hayden sign language as it is her only form of communication. He's really good at it now, I can't believe that he picked it up so fast, but then I think about who is mother is and I don't doubt he's smart.

Two weeks ago.

She is stressed, and I know I have done that to her, I'm feeling horrible right now but I can't let her in, I can't let anyone in, my heart is hollow, it's empty, no one gets me, I mean I'm nearly fifty and I've never had a serious relationship, I'm not capable of love, I should leave, just go, but there is one thing holding me back, Hayden. If it wasn't for my son, I'd be gone. She came to me, asking for time off. I couldn't deny her it, of course it would leave me short staffed, but she needs time to herself, I'm just hoping she's going to get over her lust for me.

Earlier today.

So after recieving calls from her, on behalf of Hayden, I've heard a difference in her, I don't know what was going on, but she's different, and then she was stuck in Hawaii for an extra day, she did explain what had happened, then she came into work, something is definitely wrong. She's got more makeup on than usual, she's quiet and very flinchy whenever someone tries to touch her, she's drawn into herself and she has never been like that, not in all the time I've known her, she's been a confident woman, hell she even took on the guy who killed his wife. But I have to talk to her, I have to make sure she's okay.

Now.

How anyone could do that to a woman, any woman is beyond me, Sara did not deserve that. I'm such an ass I pushed her away, this is all my fault I'm the reason she got attacked and raped. And I'm going to spend every breath till I take my last making up all the wrongs I've ever done to her, she is it, she owns my heart I swear, no one will ever touch her again. I love her. I admit it, I do. She is the only woman that has ever made me actually feel something. I see now that she deserves so much in life, she is never going to want for anything, she is going to be protected, she is going to know what it feels like to be loved by me.