*This chapter goes to those people who feel like they're nothing in this world. I want you all to know that I love you and that we're all worth something. Stay strong and always keep your head held high. If you need to talk to someone, I'm always here for you*
Her hands clutched tightly onto the oversized English textbook as she walked through the halls filled with other students. Her face painted blank with circles under her eyes from the lack of sleep the night before and the other night before and so on. Her lips are sealed together in a pout. Voices of the passing students are raised as cliques of friends join together and she feels as if she's the only one who's alone. All she wants is to get to her next class and to get through the rest of her day.
She notices a few familiar faces in the sea of students. There was Brian and Mikayla, her friends from last semester. She could still remember their inside jokes and Friday Feast Day every Friday. They don't see her.
She sees Penny walking by. Penny was the friend from Drama Class last year who always gave the best advice and was always fun to talk to. Penny is too caught up talking to someone else to notice.
Even surrounded by thousands of peers, Felicity is still invisible.
She makes it to English class. She sits in the very back of the class by herself while the others are paired up. To her, it's the story of her life. She tries to listen to the teacher, but her mind is elsewhere. She is caught up in wondering how everything that once used to make her happy quickly slipped from her hands. How did she get back to this place?
She raises a hand to go to the bathroom. She is relieved to be excused. She feels the dozens of pairs of eyes on her as she gets up to get to the door. She doesn't notice the textbook randomly placed on the ground and nearly trips over it. She curses under her breath,"Fuck", as amused chuckles come from the class.
"You alright?" the teacher asks. Felicity just nods and smiles. She fixes herself before walking out of the class, letting the tears she held back fall down.
As she makes her way to the bathroom, she passes by Mrs. Braxton's class. Mrs. Braxton was the greatest teacher Felicity had and missed her class. Mrs. Braxton made Felicity feel confident when she was in class. Felicity envies the kids Mrs. Braxton teaches now.
Felicity is in the girl's bathroom. She is safety alone as she begins softly whimpering. She buries her face in her hands. She wants the day to be over. Her patience runs thin. She thought she had escaped this. She thought she had beaten this darkness. She thought her life was turning around.
How could she have let it fallen apart?
She fixes her face and sniffles. She looks in the mirror and notices she isn't as thin as she used to be. Her collarbones disappeared. She curses herself for her lack of exercise. Last year she was thinner.
Last year. How could she have taken it for granted?
She walks out of the bathroom and sees Sam, her once best friend. Sam walks with her new best friend. Felicity is so used to their never-ending Instagram pictures to be jealous, but she wonders how her friendship with Sam faded.
Then she remembers why.
"Hey Felicity," Sam greets with her normal chirp. Felicity just smiles and keeps walking.
"You ok?" Sam asks. Felicity keeps walking. Sam doesn't need to give two shits about Felicity's life.
Felicity makes it back to English class. She sits there in class as they go over the pointless novel they had been reading for weeks. The teacher asks Felicity a question she doesn't know the answer to.
"Um….I, um…". The pairs of eyes turning to her stiffen her body and her voice cracks. "I don't know. Sorry."
The teacher nods and moves on. Felicity thinks she's just let it go.
Felicity is wrong.
After class, the teacher calls Felicity to her desk. Felicity goes over.
"Yes m'am?"
"Felicity, is everything alright? You seem…I don't know…you just look sick. You haven't been yourself the past couple months, you know?"
Felicity shrugs. "Just haven't been sleeping great. Really not a big deal."
"Are you sure?"
"I'll live. Trust me."
Felicity leaves as the teacher is left unsure.
Felicity makes it to her locker when two chatty girls are blocking it. Felicity tries to move in, but they don't move.
"Excuse me, that's my locker," she tries to tell them politely. They don't hear her.
"Move!" Felicity finally snaps. The girls hear her now, stepping back and muttering, "Bitch, jeez."
Felicity shoves her books into the locker when she hears the whispers.
"Didn't she and Eric go out?"
"No, it was just one time thing."
"She's so fucking weird."
"She looks like she always has something up her ass. Like smile, jeez."
"She is such an idiot for thinking Eric would ever go out with her."
Felicity has heard enough. She slams her locker and pushes through the crowd to get to her final class.
She takes her place near Mr. Cole's desk. She is the TA but hardly feels like one since everyone else in the class takes her place. She wants out of it so badly.
"You alright?" Mr. Cole asks.
"I'm fine."
"No you're not."
"I am."
"Felicity-."
"I'm fine. I'm done with people asking me if I'm ok, like just stop!"
A couple students hear her and Mr. Cole tells her to sit down and relax. The bell rings and class begins.
Felicity takes out her phone. She checks her Twitter. Nothing. Facebook. Dead. Instagram?
eric'95: #WCW goes out to samlydia. Prettiest girl ever.
"Or you could be like Felicity who gets things done last minute and-."
Felicity hears this and stands up, She grabs her books as Mr. Cole tells her," Felicity, I'm just joking-."
"I really don't need this," Felicity snaps. She slides her messenger bag onto her shoulder and starts heading for the door when Mr. Cole calls back," Felicity, come on."
She turns back. "I am so fucking done with your shit and your teasing me," Felicity growls.
She begins making her way to the exit when-
"Hey Felicity."
Eric.
"Hi," she flatly responds.
Eric stands in front of her and says," Whoa, Felicity what's wrong?"
"Get out of my way."
"What's-."
"Fuck off."
Eric steps back as he stares at her.
"Bitchy much?"
"Don't act like you give a shit about me. Don't. Just go back to fucking every girl at school."
She's about to keep walking when Eric pulls her back. She slaps his hand away from her.
"It pisses me off that I liked you. How pathetic I am to even believe I had a chance with you. Guess I'm not the girl who you couldn't have. Have fun fucking Sam. She's easy so you're in good hands."
With that, she opens the door and headed toward the student parking lot. She slams the car door and begins driving off.
Tears keep on streaming as Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" blasts. Her lips quiver as a tightness in her body numbs her. She reminds herself to get home.
She walks through the door and startles her mother. Her mother's eyes widened at the sight of Felicity.
"Why are you home early?" Her mother asks rising from the couch.
"I needed to get away from everyone," Felicity explained. "I walked out of class when Mr. Cole started making fun of me in class."
Her mother shuts her eyes, a sigh escaping her lips.
"Felicity, you can't do that."
"Well I did. There's no going back now, now is there?"
She begins making her way to her room.
"Felicity, get back here!"
"Leave me alone!"
"Felicity, we need to talk about this!"
"JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
Felicity slams her bedroom door. Her mother slams it open.
"You need to grow up!" Her mother scolds. "You have three months til' graduation, so suck it up-."
"And let everyone boss me around? Just put a fucking smile on my face and pretend life is one big bowl of happiness when it's all bullshit?!"
"Felicity, what happened?!"
Felicity's emotions got the best of her. She grabbed one of her candles and threw it to the ground. Her mother's arms grasped her tightly.
"Felicity you have got to stop this crap!"
"Then why aren't you listening to me?! Why aren't you helping me?!"
"I'm trying but-."
"No you're not! Yelling isn't gonna solve this!"
Felicity wiggles violently out of her mother's clutches. She is shaken up, her fingers trembling and her face bright red.
"Why can't you just be happy for Christsake?!" her mother bellowed. "Why can't you just grow the fuck up?!"
Dead silence.
"I hate you," Felicity snarls. " I FUCKING HATE YOU!"
Felicity pushes past her mother and her mother grabs her once again, but Felicity pushes her. Felicity runs to the front door and gets into her car.
She didn't have a single clue where she was going. She just drove on. She had left her phone back at the house so there was no way to reach her. She kept up her speed on the highway.
Rushes of adrenaline from the anger kicked in. She didn't feel like herself. She was never this dark.
Where did she go?
She didn't see the yield sign. She didn't see the upcoming car from the other lane. She didn't see herself really lose control.
She only saw darkness.
It was all clear to me now.
"Child, you-."
"I'm dead, aren't I?" I cut her off sharply.
Galadriel's face fell. She motioned to the stone.
Felicity's mother sits in the waiting room. She rocks back and fourth anxiously as Felicity's dad appears. He hugs his wife as Felicity's mother begins bawling.
"It's ally my fault," she cries. "I shouldn't have let her go."
"You didn't cause this," her father assures her. "Not you."
Felicity's mother steps back when the doctor enters. His face shows no sign of good news.
The students of Rosenbrock High School go into their first period when the announcements comes on.
"This is Principal McCoy, with some…some tragic news concerning a student of ours."
Classrooms fall deadly silent. They sit on the edges of their seats.
"Felicity Johansson, a senior, was in a terrible car accident yesterday and she's currently in a coma. If you need to talk to someone, please visit guidance."
A couples faces in some classes are confused, unaware of who she is. Seniors in others are blank, some shake their head.
Mr. Cole throws his agenda book across the room.
Sam runs out of the science class.
Eric slams his desk and runs out of Economics.
The English teacher lets a tear stroll down.
Mrs. Braxton weeps uncontrollably.
The school day is silent.
I couldn't talk.
Still and open-mouthed, my hands pressed to the rock. The images washed away and my fists pounded. Screams and wails burst from my mouth before I let out a cry.
I feel Galadriel press a hand on me, when I shoot up to my feet and look at her. Her gentle face attempts to soothe me. I run past Elrond when I bump into Legolas.
"Felicity, I-."
"Get out of my way Legolas."
I keep running when Legolas pulls me back and my hand slaps across his face. He steps back, startled but comes toward me, and embraces me. I wiggle out of it.
"Felicity, perhaps we should talk-."
"Talk about what? How I turned myself into a hopeless basket case? How everyone who left me is going to come back but I'll never see them again?"
Legolas doesn't respond.
"My last words to my mother was 'I hate you'," I snarl. "If they pull the plug, she's gonna spend the rest of her life believing it's true."
With that, I kept running. I made it all the way to the stables where I removed Oliver from the stables. My leg swung over him and he trotted away toward the Mirkwood forest.
I needed to be alone.
Oliver and I made it far enough into the forest to where it felt as though there was no way to escape. I hopped off Oliver and swung my arms across his neck, uncontrollably sobbing. Oliver nestled his nose closer to me, as if for comfort.
My story was clear, but it would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Who knew if I would ever be the same.
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Thank you times infinity.