Chapter 10

Within two weeks, as Professor Dormer had predicted, Faith had settled into the routine of her schedule Professor Dormer had laid out for her. She wouldn't go so far as to say she enjoyed all of it- the academics, for instance, would never be something that would hold Faith's interest or attention for very long. But she did like parts of it, and shockingly enough to herself at least, considering the freedom she had once cherished and been accustomed to having, Faith found that she actually kind of liked knowing what to expect and what was expected of her. Rather than taking away from her control, as she had feared, it gave her more of a sense of control and was, whether she would admit it or not to Professor Dormer, kind of comforting.

In that short amount of time she had already progressed quickly; she was doing schoolwork at an eighth grade level, albeit not enthusiastically, and Professor Dormer was confident that she could move up to her grade level at ninth in some more time. Faith already cut out her morning running time down to between eight and nine minutes and was sure she would keep getting faster the more she pushed herself. It also helped that with her cold cleared up she didn't about vomit a lung once she finished anymore. Her training was going well too- so far Faith had learned many methods of fighting defensively and offensively, and Professor Dormer was beginning to introduce her to working with weapons as well. Faith couldn't' wait to learn to use a crossbow- those looked totally wicked. Professor Dormer had told her she was a fast learner, and Faith had thrown herself into her training even more fully afterward, wanting to live up to the compliment.

Even the studies of demons and vampires was interesting. There was so much Faith had never known, that she was amazed to discover about the world…and the role she might play in it one day. To think that one day she might have the power to conquer all the creatures she was reading about…that they would all regard her with fear, with respect…she couldn't deny that she loved the thought of it, that she fervently hoped that one day it would be true for her.

The part about not getting to go out every single night and do whatever she wanted actually turned out to be not quite the pain in the ass Faith had thought it might be. By the end of the day, after working her mind and body to the maximum almost constantly, she was usually actually too exhausted to really have enough energy to want to go out partying too, especially after going through the wind-down routine Professor Dormer made her do every night after she had finished all her work and training. After a few weeks, even sex didn't' seem something quite so urgent in Faith's mind to seek out, though she by no means had forgotten it or stopped wanting it. During the week, she had taken Professor Dormer's fumbling, embarrassed suggestion and became quite adept at satisfying herself, something that had never really be necessary for her to learn before with so many more than willing to try their hand at doing so for her. Even on Friday and Saturday nights, when Professor Dormer allowed her to go out under very reluctant instruction, Faith had found herself hesitating, somewhat torn, for the first time since she was twelve as to whether she should have sex. In the end she had wavered- for each weekend she had gone through with it one night and not on the other. As much as she disliked it, she couldn't totally shake Professor Dormer's words to her from her mind. She couldn't totally stop herself from wondering what the woman would think of her, how disappointed she would be if she knew what Faith was doing, how concerned she would be…and whether Faith wanted to or not, as time went on, she found herself caring more and more what Professor Dormer thought, how she would react.

Sometimes Faith thought as she sat at Professor Dormer's table, eating her food, or took a hot shower in her own private bathroom or lay back in her large comfortable bed, that it was entirely surreal that this was now her life. Sometimes she looked back at herself in her nice clothes with her huge house and thought she must look like one of those rich girls now that she could never stand, the snobby ones who had sneered at her and cut their eyes at her when she walked by, and that she would have hated her own self if she had looked at herself before. Sometimes she looked at herself and all she had now, at the way she was beginning to change on the inside as well as the outside, and she didn't recognize herself. She wondered if Professor Dormer was putting a spell on her, something like one of those magic books she was studying, if she had brainwashed her into thinking she was this person that had never before existed. Faith thought that even if she had, she wouldn't care if she could just make it all last.

She was never hungry now, never numb with cold or afraid to sleep, in case she woke with a knife at her throat or a hand down her pants. She wasn't sick or dirty or poor, and when people looked at her now when she went out, it was never with the sidelong sneers or quick glances of pity or wariness that Faith had been used to at school or while living on the streets. She had put on weight, had stylish clothes that fit, and when people looked at her now they smiled, as if they thought she were pretty or nice to look at, and looked her in the eye. Faith had never felt pretty before…sexy or hot sometimes, but not pretty. Now she could almost believe that it was possible that she could be, sometimes.

And then there was Professor Dormer…the woman was definitely strange, and kind of stiff and British at times, and she could definitely use some fashion help. But she obviously knew what she was doing with teaching Faith, and even training her; Faith had been deeply impressed in her first week to realize that the woman had mad skills. She was undeniably generous with her money and her time, and as much as she tried to resist and explain it away, Faith was slowly beginning to believe that the woman really, truly did care about her…that she might, maybe, even love her, in her own British way, just a little bit. And maybe…as much as it scared Faith to even consider, maybe she was starting to love her- to love Diana- just a little bit too.

She didn't call her Diana to her face. She couldn't bring herself to do that yet. But in her head, almost always now Faith thought of Professor Dormer as Diana. When she spoke to her directly, sometimes it was hard not to slip and call her that instead. She didn't really know what it was holding her back…she just knew that she was waiting for something. The right time, the right kind of proof…whatever it was, until then, Diana wasn't' Diana to her, not yet, verbally at least.

The one thing that still bothered her was Legs…on a frequent basis Faith still dreamed about Legs, terrible dreams that left her breathless and nauseous, her heart racing, and sadder, more subtle dreams that made her awaken with her heart twisting itself harshly in her chest with her longing to see her, to touch her. She hated it. She wanted to forget, to deny that Legs had ever happened, to cast her off as the other girl had so obviously cast her off. But she couldn't. A part of Faith could not yet relinquish her, and more often than she wanted to her thoughts returned to the first person who had ever made her feel an approximation of love and acceptance. Attempts at explanations would form themselves in her head until she could almost believe that it was all a misunderstanding, that Legs too still longed to be at her side, was still searching for her, only now Faith was gone.

She wondered what Legs would think if she saw her now, if she would be disappointed, and because of that, Faith could not yet fully and entirely feel that she belonged…but all things considering, it was pretty damn near.

Faith sat cross-legged on the rug in the meditation room in loose draw-string pants and a tank top, her back straight, head lifted, eyes focused ahead of her, hair piled in a ponytail on top of her head. Behind her Professor Dormer sat in a similar position, though wearing a long-sleeved t shirt instead, as her hands moved with gentle yet firm pressure down Faith's back and across her neck and shoulders, easing the knots and tensions of the muscles under her skin. Faith could feel herself gradually relaxing into the woman's touch, her breathing evening out, heartbeat slowing, and she smiled, letting herself enjoy the physical contact.

All of this had been completely weird and even a little freaky the first time Diana, as Faith now almost exclusively thought of Professor Dormer in her mind, if not matching this by addressing her as such aloud, had had her take part in this kind of thing as part of her evening wind down/relaxation tie. The diary writing had made Faith feel lame and dumb, like a stupid ten-year-old kid rattling on, and the move. Same with when Diana had had her try yoga or deep breathing exercises. But the first few times Diana had asked her to let her massage her back, neck, and shoulders, Faith had found the strangest of it all.

At first she had worried that the woman was some kind of cougar lesbian pervert and was getting off on it somehow. When she'd muttered as much and Diana made it quite clear that she was not attracted to children or teenagers, fully heterosexual, and found the thought that Faith would consider such a thing disturbing and disgusting, not to mention insulting, Faith had reluctantly allowed it, but she had found it uncomfortable and had a hard time relaxing until Diana took her hands away. Diana's explanation that as hard as Faith was exerting her body now, she needed to do all she could to relax it at the end of the day, and that it was an important step in developing a bond of trust and emotional closeness between Watcher and Slayer to allow Diana to touch her, did little for the first week or so in dispelling Faith's instinctive need to back away from such slow and intimate contact, even though it was not sexual…or maybe especially because it was not sexual.

After several weeks, however, Faith found that she actually hoped at the end of each day that Diana would include a brief massage as part of her relaxation routine, though she was pretty sure the woman knew since she seemed in no hurry any longer to finish within five minutes, as she always had before. There was a lot developing between them without giving voice to it now, unspoken understandings, and Faith allowed her mind to drift off however it might go as she concentrated on the gentle pressure of Diana's hands.

A thought occurred to her suddenly, and she tried to turn her neck to look back at Diana, interrupting her work with both body and voice.

"How'd you get to be a Watcher, Professor Dormer? What, is it like a college or something? How'd you even hear about it?"

Professor Dormer paused, letting her hands rest flat against Faith's back as she responded. This was something else that had changed about their routine; she sometimes stopped her work altogether to talk to Faith, and it sometimes took her quite some time before she actually completed and drew away from her. This would have made Faith feel edgy and defensive, suffocated, just a couple of weeks ago. Now it was kind of nice…she didn't mind. Kind of liked it, even.

"I did attend a college of sorts- the Watcher's Academy," Diana told her, removing her hands from Faith's back. "As for how I became a Watcher, well, in most cases, the role of being a Watcher tends to run in families. My father was a Watcher, and his father before him, and so on down the line for quite some time. Most of them, however, never actually lived to see their Slayer chosen; they and their potential Slayer went on to lead quite normal lives after the critical period where she may have been chosen had passed. I was actually the first female in my line to become a Watcher, but then, I was an only child, so I suppose if we were to carry on the tradition I was the only one to do so."

Faith considered this for a moment, turning her head again to glance into Diana's eyes. "So you wanted to be a Watcher too? Or it as one of those things where you didn't get a choice? Like those Russian ballet guys or something?"

"Rather like the Russians, I suppose," Diana smiled, shaking her head. "I had no interest at your age. I would have rather been a pop singer or the like. But it grew on me as I actually began my studies, and now I am quite satisfied and happy with my work."

A pop artist? Faith had a very hard time envisioning this when she looked at Diana now, even when she turned around fully to face her, as if thinking that if she looked hard enough this time she might see something in her eye to indicate that she had ever been such a person. Right now she had a hard time thinking that Diana had ever been a teenager at all, let alone the type who would have wanted to be a famous pop singer.

"What were you like when you were my age?" Faith asked her curiously, and Diana smiled as Faith repositioned herself so she was completely facing her.

"I had spirit, though certainly not as much as you do," she responded with a wry look and raised eyebrow in Faith's direction. "Though I suppose few in this life would. I wasn't a troublemaker per se, but I did rebel quite often in my own fashion."

"What, you didn't make your bed some mornings?" Faith said sarcastically, and Diana raised an eyebrow again, her expression serious in a manner that heightened Faith's curiosity.

"I was young once too, Faith, and I did not always behave in ways that were wise, thoughtful, or ethical," she told her quietly, looking her in the eyes, and Faith got the message that she was directly making a parallel to her. "I was not always as different from yourself as you might believe. I certainly made my share of mistakes, some of them quite serious, and I'm sure I will continue to do so for all of my life. That is a part of being human. We cannot always be wise, particularly if we have not yet had the time to develop wisdom, and we cannot always understand our own hearts or desires."

When Diana mentioned the word desires, Faith looked up at her sharply, her eyebrows slanting; the question that came to her mind had occurred to her before, but only now did she feel comfortable with asking her outright.

"Professor Dormer…are you a virgin still?"

She expected Diana to be shocked, to grow red in the face and to widen her eyes, to gasp and stutter out an embarrassed avoidance of the question. What she didn't expect was for the woman to burst into hearty laughter so sudden and loud that Faith jumped, her own eyes widening with some shock. As she stared at her, realizing that she had never before seen Diana laugh so hard, the woman shook her head, smiling broadly, eyes gleaming in clear amusement.

"For heaven's sake, Faith, I'm not sure whether I should be pleased that you consider me to be so virtuous or offended that you would consider me to be so dull."

"Well you go on about how masturbation's better, like you found out that on your own time or something, and you never go out with anyone, and you're not married, and you were just talking about not understanding desire!" Faith said defensively.

When Diana broke out into mirth all over again at this line of logic, Faith scowled, as much because she felt like her Watcher was laughing at her as because the woman hadn't answered the quite serious question.

"Well, are you or not?" she demanded, crossing her arms, and Diana brought herself under control, wiping at her eyes.

"Not that my sexual life, or that of any adult's, is your business, Faith…but consider the fact that I am an adult woman, and I am as human as any other. I did not spend every night of my life before you entered into it studying and playing bridge, child."

That actually would not have surprised Faith to discover to have been true until this moment; it had never occurred to her that there may have been quite a different story than the rather dull one of Diana's past she had assumed, and she stared at her with new thought forming itself in her mind, her somewhat stunned imagination going to work to reinvent a new manner of viewing her.

"Oh," she muttered, and Diana shook her head, the amused smile still turning up her lips as she looked at Faith with affection.

"You're so young," she said with tenderness, and she reached out to finger a lock of Faith's hair before tucking it behind her ear. Faith held still, enjoying the small thrill that went through her at the gesture, and Diana touched her cheek lightly before returning her hand to her knee. "It amazes me at times how very young you still are, whether or not you believe yourself to be. All of you girls who are the only ones destined to save the world…so very young."

There was an edge of sadness to her tone, even in her eyes, a faint sorrow that Faith did not entirely register. She focused only on her Watcher's words, and she narrowed her eyes with serious intent, her brow furrowing with some apprehensive concern as she spoke to her.

"Do you really think I will some day, Professor Dormer? Do you really think I might have a chance…that I might really get chosen one day?"

"You may," Diana replied, her tone matching Faith's in its seriousness as she looked back at her, her posture straight, almost stiff, as she faced her. "Whether or not you are ever chosen, I will make sure that you are prepared for it. And if you were to be…I have no doubt that you would be an excellent Slayer, Faith. I have every confidence in you."

Faith smiled, her eyes shifting to the side, somewhat shy and even disbelieving at this praise. Nevertheless she felt good, full and pleased inside, to hear it. Her eyes glazed slightly as she considered it, the way it would be if she were to become the Slayer. The power…the glory…the respect, the fame…

It would be amazing.

"I want to be," she said softly, her voice almost reverent, and Diana frowned, her voice cutting into the girl's dreaming.

"The role of the Slayer is not a comic book plot, an action movie, or a fairy tale, Faith. It is not fun or light hearted to undertake. It is sacrifice, it is brutal, grueling work with very little payback of any kind, and it entails incredible strain on a person's body, mind, and heart," she told her gravely, but Faith just grinned.

"Doesn't sound too different from how you've been working me, Prof."

"It is not at all like your work, Faith, nor anything that you have ever encountered before in your life," Professor Dormer said sharply, fixing Faith with such a stern gaze that Faith went quiet. "Whatever difficulties you have experienced, whatever torments, they are very different from those of the Slayer. A Slayer stands in a class of her own…in a way she is her own society. She is the only one who can understand what it means and what it entails to be a Slayer…no other can or will ever truly know or realize."

She sounded so firm, so certain that she knew what she was talking about, that Faith frowned, her eyes lowering; when she looked back up at Diana, more questions had risen to mind.

"Have you ever met a Slayer?"

"No," Diana replied, but there had been a pause, and Faith shifted her weight, more questions immediately coming to mind. It had never dawned on her to wonder about the current Slayer, nor had Diana ever mentioned her before, and now that they were on this topic she better find out as much as she could before Diana shut down on her. For some reason the woman seemed reluctant to talk about the current Slayer…so Faith knew she better get her to get it out fast.