Title: Second Division Prohibitions: Appendix H

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece ;_; also, I owe a lot of ideas for the list from the Skippy list and all sorts of fanfics, books and other works of the mind. Some of them are even suggested by my readers (thanks guys!)

Rating: PG 13+

Summary: The Whitebeard Pirates drew up a list of 150 things their beloved younger brother is forbidden from doing…Ace reacts. The List is a lot longer than 150 now.

A/N: I have no excuse. This is crack, pure and simple

He's an old man now. This, he freely admits, is not that impressive. However, he's an old pirate and that's something to brag about. Something about the profession involving a lot of sharp pointy objects, cannons, freaky abilities and many, many teeth not really making things easy for most people (to be fair, most pirates never thought of the future beyond when the next adventure would be so it all worked out) but he's not most people –obviously- and he'd very much like to enjoy his retirement in peace.

But, while Reverse Mountain is only the starting point of the Grand Line it's still part of the ocean current and sometimes weird just gets blown his way.

Now, as a true veteran pirate, Crocus had seen just about everything. Heck, he'd sailed with Gol D Rogers for heaven's sake! After that ride, there really isn't much that surprises him anymore.

This however is new.

Not the giant scarred black whale splashing around. That's just his old friend Laboon. The huge whale-shaped ship that had somehow appeared in the bay overnight was. There was cuddlinghappening here. Very enthusiastic cuddling. And nuzzling. And snuggling. Oh, the snuggling.

(There was also the heart-shaped smoke that was puffing off the flaming half-naked cowboy-pirate perched on the figurehead twirling an oversized hammer but he figured he could deal with that after the magically-appearing cuddle ship.)

"Oh god, why?"

Crocus turned (somehow managing to still keep an eye on the crazy – truth be told, it wasn't that hard) and spotted two men halfway up the path to his lighthouse. Blenheim was immediately recognizable from the hair and the shoulder tats (and from being in rival pirate crews twenty years ago) but the small brunette took the petal-haired man a few seconds before he placed it: Haruta the 12th Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirates.

When they'd reached his side the 9th Division Commander merely smiled, bemused, while the younger man swore fluently into his palms before straightening purposefully. Haruta twirled his index finger at his nakama in the way that either meant "turn around", "make like a ballerina" or if he'd tilt his hand ninety degrees decreed "complete mental impairment".

Quite frankly the last one would probably have fit the situation better.

In the lighthouse keeper's experience large, incredibly buff men did not take well to twirl-y gestures but Blenheim just snorted and presented Haruta with his back. The slighter man pulled a thick folder out of his pack, flipped it to the last page, braced it on the 9th Division Commander's shoulder and held a pen up.

Haruta turned to Crocus with a tired (so very, very tired… edging to manic even) smile. "Sooooo, what's Ace been up to?"

501. I will not extinguish and die if someone throws water on me.

502. Nor may I slowly collapse wailing "I'm melting! I'm melting!"

503. I may not beg someone "won't you please be my prisoner? Please, please, please!"

504. Bobsledding does not actually require somebody named "Bob" to be present.

505. I must stop changing people's names to "Bob" or "Robert".

506. I am not allowed to rename anyone anything without first figuring out the person's gender.

507. I am not allowed to name anything without explicit permission.

508. When I punish someone I cannot make them wear the Cone of Shame.

509. Not allowed to shove candy into people's mouths and tell them to "taste the f*cking rainbow".

510. I am not a witch. I may not dance naked on a hilltop at full moon.

511. If I do end up doing so, I must not forget to check for thistles, rocks and hedgehogs.

512. Nor am I a wizard. I may not carry a giant stick around.

513. Not allowed to tell people that the staff is a metaphor.

514. Not allowed to rename the valley from "Gorge of Death" to "Big Smelly Crack".

515. We cannot have a Code Peaches.

516. No, not even if the situation is round, sweet and fuzzy.

517. I am not the water's prey.

518. There's no such thing as a 9-ton possum.

519. I cannot win an argument by whacking someone on the nose and yelling "bad juju!"

520. I cannot legally marry a pineapple.

521. I may not marry any fruit, legally or not.

522. Not allowed to throw a fit if somebody eats my 'fruit wife'.

523. The correct way to file for divorce from a fruit isn't by consuming one's spouse.

524. There is in fact, NO correct way to divorce a fruit.

525. When I want milk I should go to the store. I may not try to milk a cow.

526. Should I ever be in a position to milk something, I must not do so without first checking its gender.

527. I may not clutch my buttocks as if I'm afraid they'll fall off.

528. Not allowed to grab other people's bums for similar reasons either.

529. Mihawk is not cheating on Vista with Shanks.

530. Shanks is not cheating on Vista with Mihawk.

531. They are not a threesome. I must stop implying such nonsense.

532. Shanks is a rival. I should not throw a party every time when he visits.

533. There is no Annual Four Emperors' Meeting. The marines are paranoid enough as it is without me helping.

534. I may not start a Famous Pirate/Marine Signature Collection.

535. I may not barge onto enemy ships demanding signatures.

536. I may not do this to high ranking marines either.

537. I may not pick pockets solely "to stay in shape".

538. "Just because" is no reason either.

539. When I catch children trying to pick my pockets, I may not offer lessons.

540. I especially may not use crewmates as teaching aids/targets.

541. We are a fleet not a pod. I must stop calling crewmates pod people.

542. I may not borrow Blamenco's hammer for any reason.

543. Even if it isn't Blamenco's, I still may not carry a giant hammer around.

544. 'Whack-a-mouse' is not an acceptable means of pest control.

545. Just because someone is called "a rat" doesn't mean I can chase that person around waving the giant hammer I'm not allowed to have.

546. The giant hammer does not make me Thor, God of Lightning.

547. I may not leave the fleet without telling somebody where I'm going.

548. I may not take one of the Moby Dicks over to Reverse Mountain so that Laboon has somebody to cuddle with.

549. I may not water Crocus. He is not a flower.

550. Nor may I feed him fertilizer.

A/N: Possibly the longest intro part I've written (and the reason for the delay really). In case people forgot, Crocus is the petal-haired old lighthouse keeper at Reverse Mountain. I brought in Haruta and Blenheim as I haven't written anything about them previously

…please, nobody ask how Ace got there without Crocus noticing or where he stashed the crew. When I ask, he just giggles at me and now I'm scared to know.

Please do leave a review! Even if it's just to say what numbers you like or even to suggest stuff I don't mind. :)