He'd said, "Let's go have a drink!"
But he'd clearly only meant to include himself in that statement.
"Are you drunk?" Kadaj asked for the millionth time, watching Reno stand slowly and toss down a wad of bills to cover his tab.
"Nope," he said, hiccoughing and giving him a lopsided grin. "It helps when Yazoo ain't around. Fuck! I miss that gorgeous lady…"
"Imbecile," Kadaj breathed, glancing outside as they left the bar. The sun beat down on them as it worked towards the horizon, shocking Kadaj—he'd thought it was much later. "Not even sunset and you're smashed."
"Yeah, yeah, the better to tolerate you, yo," Reno said, unsteady fingers lighting a cigarette. He paused with his head down and his eyes up, his cloudy gaze focusing on something in the distance. A scowl fell over his lean fox-face, making Kadaj turn in curiosity.
He stared in shocked silence to see Cloud walking down the street, his pace slow to match that of the woman whose waist his lean arm was around. A very pregnant and glowing Tifa.
"Goddammit, yo," Reno growled, straightening his posture and glaring at the couple. "Where the fuck is Rude anyway?"
Tifa?
Kadaj felt sick to his stomach, knowing now that his worst fears had been just the tip of the iceberg.
The couple came towards them, Cloud's beautiful face a study in concentration while he listened to Tifa's animated chatter. Kadaj was rooted to the spot with surprise and dismay, unable to even think except of how he wished he'd seen anything but this…
Cloud and Tifa caught sight of them and slowed a little, their conversation dying and Tifa's wide smile dimming to a mere faint one. Kadaj was breathlessly, silently grateful for Reno, who moved slightly in front of him as if to shield him.
"Reno, hi," Tifa started, surprised when Reno cut her off, saying, "Hi yourself—where's Rude?"
"Home. He didn't want to come for a walk today" she answered, looking hurt but understanding. Her hand tightened on Cloud's waist, something only Kadaj saw because he was desperately looking anywhere but at Cloud's face. "Kadaj, how have you been?"
Did she really not know?
"He's fine, yo," Reno answered, still sounding angry, no longer sounding the least bit drunk. "Fine and dandy, right, Cloud?"
Cloud shifted uneasily, and Kadaj stole a look at him, aching to touch him. His beautiful cat-like face was tilted down in his usual effacing manner, those large and liquid blue eyes shimmering against the paleness of his skin.
"Cloud," he whispered, every ounce of pain in that single name.
Those blue eyes flicked up and looked right through him, hurting him more than any outright anger.
Tifa's hand on him was suddenly too much to be borne and Kadaj snatched it away, pushing her hand off of him, that jealous and hurt voice in his head snarling in possessive fury.
Cloud's gloved hand gripped his wrist hard, those blue eyes narrowing.
"Cloud, it's okay," Tifa said, trying to diffuse the situation and looking confused. "Honestly, what is going on here? Why is Kadaj with Reno?"
"Because Cloud chased him off," Reno informed her, glowering at the man.
"Why won't you answer my calls?" Kadaj hissed, hating to have this conversation in front of her but having no alternative.
"Because I don't want to talk to you," Cloud told him, and released his wrist with a shove that sent him back into Reno, too shocked to hold his ground. His pale face was a blank mask, unreadable and cold, those blue eyes shuttered and giving him the look of a distant, unreachable statue.
"What?" Kadaj whispered, unable to believe what he'd heard. "Cloud—"
"I don't want to talk to you," Cloud repeated, and Tifa gasped this time, starting to look downright thunderous. "I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you."
"Cloud, how can you be so cruel?" Tifa questioned, her wide brown eyes flicking from Cloud's aloof face to Kadaj's own dismayed one. "Why would you say such a thing?"
Kadaj wanted to scream and punch him through a wall, but somehow everything was locked up—his hurt and his fury and everything was buried behind a numbing wall of self-recrimination. I knew it I knew it I knew it…
Warm, long fingers folded around his and Kadaj dimly let himself be tugged away, Reno half-dragging him down the street and away from Tifa's open-mouthed astonishment and Cloud's pained, brief wince.
"Goddamned kidding me, yo!" he muttered, fuming, holding Kadaj by the hand as he would any shell-shocked child. Louder, he snapped, "That is not how I hoped you would unfuck that situation, spiky!"
He drug Kadaj to the apartment and forced him down onto the couch, disappearing into the kitchen. Moments later, he returned with a glass full of amber alcohol and pressed it into the boy's hands, saying, "Drink up, yo—cheers to unpreventable moronism."
Kadaj sipped the drink, coughing a little, and continued to nurse it when Reno plopped down next to him, sighing, "I'm really sorry about that, yo. I can't imagine what the fuck was going on there—I'm sure you're doing plenty of imagining for me, though."
"He…he wants her," Kadaj whispered, and bright tears welled in his feline eyes.
Reno shook his head emphatically and took a large swallow of his own drink, telling him, "Whatever, yo—Tifa adores Rude and they're gonna get married as soon as the little larva is born. She called it done with Cloud ages ago."
Kadaj gazed off into space, feeling more bereft than he could ever recall. Cloud's words played over and over in his head, so cold and cruel, so utterly unlike the warm, diffident man who had always loved him so much…or so he'd thought. Perhaps Cloud's diffidence was really reluctance. Perhaps Cloud had simply indulged a boy he had no clue what to do with and was now glad to be free of his burdening presence.
"Hey…" Reno said, sounding concerned as Kadaj's expression deepened into one of appalled shame.
The boy ignored his voice, wracking his brain to see if there was even one time when Cloud had touched him unprovoked by the beast inside him. Had he lied when he'd said it only wanted Kadaj? Was that a way to explain a lack of interest unless things got rough?
"Oh my god!" Kadaj choked, gulping down the rest of the alcohol so that the burn hit his sinuses and brought tears to his eyes. Every interaction was reexamined under new light, carefully compared to what the boy thought he knew now.
It was all paltry, ugly lies, wasn't it?
"Kadaj," Reno inquired, looking uncomfortably worried.
"How could I think he loved me?" Kadaj whispered, tears spilling down his cheeks. "I mean…I knew a long time ago that no one could love me, but I still…" the last bit of it was said as a heartbroken sob, "I still wanted to believe it was true!"
"Hey, whoa, no crying, yo!" Reno protested, hastily putting his drink down and taking Kadaj's from his nerveless hands. "Cloud is an idiot, we all know this is true, brat. Whatever is winging around in that spiky head of his is probably a hell of a lot more confusing than what's going on in yours, yo."
Kadaj folded himself to Reno's chest and man hesitantly embraced him, saying, "Not too good at this part, yo—your brother ain't much of a crier. Bit of a biter, but…well, different circumstances, I guess."
Kadaj snuffled and moaned miserably, absorbing the warmth of Reno's lean body, face tucked against the steady thump of his heart. He lifted his head on impulse, driven by a fierce need to be acknowledged, and kissed Yazoo's fox-faced lover right on his shocked lips.
There was no reaction, no change in the loose embrace around him. Reno's mouth was warm and still and absolutely unmoved.
Kadaj was drawing back even as those slender, strong hands gripped his shoulders and pushed him back a bit, large blue eyes gazing down at him with soft accusation and a tinge of disbelieving anger.
"Are you really that selfish, Kadaj?" he softly questioned, all traces of teasing gone. "You took everything that Yazoo ever had—you wanna take me, too, yo?"
Kadaj sobbed wretchedly, only able to shake his head, ashamed of himself.
"You're so kind to him," Kadaj brokenly said. "You love him so much…why can't I have that, too? Why am I always the one nobody wants?"
Reno gave him a wry, sad look and tucked him close to his chest once more, sighing a little but willing to comfort him. Because Reno wasn't in the habit of abusing kids and Kadaj was one of the most lost, wounded, and confused little kids he'd ever seen.
"I'm sorry," Kadaj told him, calming finally. "I don't know why I did that. But thank you, Reno."
"For what?" Reno questioned.
"For being someone Yazoo can be proud to love," Kadaj said, snuggling closer to his chest. "I was wrong about you and I'm sorry I ever said mean things about you—I'm glad you changed my brother. I'm glad you taught him how nice the world can be and I'm glad you love him enough to be true to him."
Startled and a little embarrassed by the boy's heartfelt praise, Reno gave him a squeeze and said, "Thanks, nutjob—you're not such a bad kid yourself, yo."
Kadaj laughed a startled, pleased little laugh against his chest and subsided once more.
"You should just go to your apartment," Reno told him. "Go in there and tell him what's gonna happen from now on. That's what I do, yo—I just do things my way and whoever wants to come along, comes along. Cloud don't like it when someone else is determined—he generally goes right along with it, yo."
Kadaj wiped his seeping eyes on Reno's shirt and considered it. It was funny how safe he felt now, having gotten solid proof that Reno was never going to make a move on him. That kiss had told him an absolute truth—Reno would look out for him because he loved Yazoo just that much, not because he had plans for Kadaj. The thought warmed him, melting away the vestiges of his strong dislike of Reno which had, perhaps, stemmed from instinctively knowing the man wouldn't fall for any of his tricks.
"Here, I got your apartment key," Reno told him, rifling in his jacket pocket and tossing the key onto the coffee table. "If you decide to go home…Well, if you need to come back, the spare key is on the rafter of the stoop. Just face the door and it's right behind you."
Kadaj had to think about it. He wasn't too sure that he should go back if Cloud didn't want him.
"Reno, can you…Can you force someone to love you if they don't?" Kadaj asked, him, simply lying against his chest because the tears had stopped but he felt too protected to move. "I mean…wouldn't it be better if I just let him go be happy?"
"Absolutely not," Reno said, shifting back to snag his drink and draining it. "If you love somebody you have to hold onto them with all your strength, yo. Fuck what Cloud wants, what does he know?"
Kadaj smiled a little, but it faded when he thought of Cloud's cruel words. He hid his face in Reno's chest and shuddered as the tears started again.