AUTHOR'S NOTE: Next chapter in two weeks. Tired. Possibly poisoned. Will post more. I know there are at least 2 of you, so please enjoy. Side note, I have received no OC submissions, which I'm not really surprised about, just disappoint. Sorry description is so short and disjointed, but I seriously am tired as hell (weird, since it's only 10.)

Scott Pilgrim

And the near infinite exposition

He wasn't going to talk to her about it, at least, not just her. He needed to talk to someone else. He would need someone with wisdom; someone who could be considered a role model. That is why when Scott gave the address to the tiring taxi driver, Ramona simply nodded and kept quiet. They drove in silence for several minutes, the driver looking back only once to inspect Scott's beam Katana (+4 Phys. Attack, +5 Burn Dam., +2 Skill, -3 Psych., in case you were curious) , assuming it was simply a toy and that his passenger was an overgrown man child (one of those was wrong).

After a few more minutes, the taxi pulled up to the curb, Scott pays the man with his UAA card, and the assassin/ ninja delivery girl combo exit the vehicle as the taxi rides off into the night. Scott strides into the building, a stone cafe, one of many, well established in Canada. He approached the front counter and was greeted by a surprised, yet familiar face. "Oh, Hi Scott! What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be gone for a while." Stacey said cheerfully, simultaneously cleaning the counter.

"I'll explain in a second. First, I have to talk to Julie." Scott uttered. Ramona's eyes bulged and Stacey raised her eyebrow in shock.

"Uh... okay..." Stacey responded, before disappearing into a back room. After a few moments, yelling was heard from behind the door, followed by what sounded like murmured apologizes. After another round or two of this, Julie burst out of the door, sporting a second cup uniform and a pissed off attitude.

"Okay, but I swear if you're lying about this, I'll-" she turned away from Stacey and eyed Scott, blank but determined expression unwavering in the face of total bitchy-ness. Julie pauses, looking over Scott for a moment before speaking, bluntly "Huh, so the prodigal son IS back, and he apparently has a new toy. Stacey, sorry for like, yelling at you, or whatever." She said, rolling her eyes in disgust.

Despite the bitterness, both Ramona and Stacey where stunned by this apology. Julie apologizing? That was like, a sign of the apocalypse, right? That was weirder than Scott blacking out for 7 hours, and him showing up again in four days after saying he would be gone for over a year (respectively). "Uh, it's cool... no, uh, no problem."

Scott looked into the eye of the beast and spoke, slowly, definitively. "Julie… I need you… to let me and Stacey stay after closing, for like, twenty minutes. I want to talk to her about some stuff. Like, serious, SERIOUS stuff."

Julie stared him down, eyes narrowing. "Store closed five minutes ago."

"Well, then I'll only stay fifteen. Just... let us talk here."

They stood in silence for almost a minute, Julie lulling over the consequences and reasons not to in her head. In the end, it came down to laziness "Stacey, promise to clean out the trash, finish the dishes, turn off the lights, and lock up?" She inquired, not turning from Scott.

"Uh, yeah sure, I guess." Stacey responded, knowing she would likely be told to do that anyway.

Julie reconsidered for one brief moment, before groaning "...uuuughhh... Fine, you can stay 'til 9:25. MAX. But I swear, if anything is out of place, stolen, broken, or generally fucked up when I get back tomorrow, it'll be your ASSES Pilgrims! Got it?" she blasted, shaking her fist. The two Pilgrims nodded in response. Julie pushed past them and out the door, heading home. She stopped briefly outside to do the classic "Eye have you", before disappearing from sight.

Stacey sighed with a mix of relief at Julie's departure and anguish at Scott's seriousness. What could cause the goofy, mostly fulfilled person that is Scott Pilgrim to be so grave? She would have time to ask that soon. Right now, there were drinks to mix and dishes to clean.

A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME LATER.

"Okay, everything seems to be spic n' span." Stacey said, placing three cups on the table "Also, did you seriously stand up to Julie just for some free drinks?" she asked, taking a sip of her decaf iced coffee.

Scott shrugged "Eh, just because I have money doesn't mean I hate free things... plus, I DO need to talk to you, a lot of stuff has come up recently, and you're like, my second mentor." He replied, slurping his decaf caramel iced cappuccino with whip.

"Ha! You? Money? What, did you find an extra five in your pocket or something?" Stacey responded, taking a righteous victory sip at her successful burn.

"No! I have, like, an extra $20,000 dollars in the bank." Scott responded, slightly hurt. Stacey gagged and spat up her coffee, in a state of shock.

She started stammering, when Scott spoke up "So, I guess that's my cue to start my explaining. So, about a week ago, I got a mysterious phone call, right? The guy on the other end said that I killed Gideon."

Stacey stopped him, listening with intent, but still unable to go without correcting her sibling. "Which you did."

"Ugh, why does everyone say that? I DEFEATED him, I didn't... you know... send him to the big arcade in the sky. Look, point is that after six months of bickering and arguing about the semantics of who killed who, they settled on the idea that I killed Gideon. Problem is, this guy was apparently Canada's seventh greatest assassin. A fact that SOMEHOW never came up." He and Stacey looked accusingly at Ramona, who sheepishly finished sipping her Latte.

"Hey, when a guy starts blathering on about every little thing in his life, and about how great they are, you tend to zone out, and when you do, some stuff might slip past you." she responded defensively. "I don't remember every stupid thing Scott brings up about videogames, but does that make me a bad person?"

Stacey rolled her eyes "So, basically, you killed Gideon and now they say you're the new number seven assassin, and the only way out is to kill up to the number one spot and retire, that about right?" She asks tiredly, staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah, how did-"

"It's like, ninjas 101. You kill the clan master, now you are the clan master. It's like, a thing. So, asides from giving me a reason to yell at Wallace, what have you come here for? I mean, I'm not exactly the person to ask about Combat training or how to tame wild beasts." she inquired, eyebrow raised again.

Scott breathed heavily in degradation, trying to find the words that eluded him "Yeah... I came to talk to you about something else... or, someONE else." He replied cautiously, fiddling with his bendy straw "Well... there's this guy, right? A guy who looks like me... looks exactly like me... except he looks evil... and he lives in my head." He started, looking down at the table as both girls eyes burrowed into him. "This guy... Nega-Scott... is the evil that I have hidden in me... or, my denial of the past... or, something. I don't know; I never really got it. Let's just say he is the evil version of me. Anyway, this other Scott... not THAT other Scott but... yeah... he is slowly taking me over, making me transform into him from time to time when I start killing people. This one girl, Matilda, says that if I don't learn my lesson quick, He'll take me over permanently, and that's no good! So... yeah, I've got an evil guy inside me." He finished, finally looking up.

Ramona was handling it somewhat well. She was still a little in shock, but having seen it first hand, was at least a little prepared for it. Stacey on the other hand seemed to be dumbfounded, bamboozled, and perplexed (X3 combo!). She breathed in heavily a few times before softly replying "Oh, Wallace is going to be DEAD for not telling me this." She said, buying more time to organize her thoughts.

"Wallace doesn't know about him. He just thinks I get off on killing people." He retorted defensively.

Stacey shook her head angrily "STILL! That is something I would have liked to know... so, as well as now being a world renowned assassin, you're also an angry bipolar maniac. Swell. Anything else you'd like to drop on me? Are you also a stripper now? Are you suddenly into polygamy?"

"Hey, it's not like I wanted Nega Scott to come back! I just-"

"Wait, you had him before?!" Stacey asked, hands slamming onto the table.

"Well, only once or twice! Last time was when I went up to Kim's house to try and forget about Ramona." he responded, scratching the back of his neck as the girls angrily glared at him. "I was talking to Kim, I was about to forget her... forget you... and then HE showed up. I tried to fight him I tried to defeat myself, tried to leave the past behind... but Kim thought otherwise. She told me to stop running, to face up and accept him, so I did. He went into me, and I held onto you Ramona." He finished, finishing off his drink. He nearly spat as a realization spawned "Wait, I accepted him into me... INTO ME! Aw, that's how he got into my head! Kim let me let me into me! What the hell?!"

Ramona had never been told this part of the story this way before, she had only been told that Scott went to Kim's parents' on a wilderness sabbatical, struggled with his past, and manned up. She didn't think he LITERALLY struggled with his past. "Geez Scott, this is pretty heavy. So, you and him are both in you, and both of you are you, but he only takes control of you when he and you are fighting?"

Scott nodded "Almost... but it's not when I'm fighting, it's when I and we are killing."

Stacey interrupted, now thoroughly frustrated "SHUT UP! What exactly do you need my help with? Because from where I'm sitting, this isn't a problem I can help you with."

Scott nodded. "Well, this one assassin, a magic cult woman named Matilda... something... something foreign..."

"Something foreign?" Stacey asked jokingly.

"Yeah... Yurian or something... anyway, she looked into my soul and saw that I and Nega Scott had split because of something recent, and to bring balance to the universe, I have to grow as a person, and learn some sort of lesson. So, I came to you. Maybe you can think of something profound so I can get on with my life." He finished.

Stacey frowned "So, you want me to sort your shit out for you?" She asked rhetorically.

"Well, when you say it like that..." Scott trailed off.

"Ugh, fine, I'll try. So, you got a mysterious phone call, got pulled into a league of crazy, conspicuous assassins, and you have maintained a fairly stable relationship with the girl of your dreams... What could need fixing?" She continued to think to herself as Scott's phone buzzed, a text message from a familiar number.

"Who is it?" inquired Ramona, Stacey still deep in thought.

"Uh, we might have to brainstorm later." Scott answered cryptically. Before anyone could question, a thud was heard. Not a loud thud, but a deep one, distant. Soon, another thud was heard, closer, followed by another, all in a steady rhythm, each ever so slightly louder than the last. Scott stood, and unhooked his blade. "We may want to leave, I don't want Julie coming after me because some inconsiderate ass blew up the store."

"Wait, is someone coming to kill us right now?!" Stacey asks, panicked.

"No, just me." Scott replies calmly. The three of them swiftly leave the building, as the thumping becomes a thunderous cacophony of metal slamming against asphalt. As Scott steps onto the curb, he finally catches sight of the source of the racket. Down the street, a hulking metal monstrosity, painted a brash crimson, comes trotting towards them. The being walks on two thick, three toed legs, its heavy footfalls crush footprints into the ground below. The walker's arms are thick, and rather than ending in hands, end in oval shaped holes, the insides of which are filled with metal barrels of varying sizes, calibers, and lengths. Finally, on the torso of this great golem, lies a near pitch black viewport, nothing visible except a piercing pair of glowing green goggles. All in all, the metal man stands at 9 feet in height.

People scream and point as the mech stomps down the street, its arms swaying rhythmically. Scott spins the katana defiantly before activating it, gripping the weapon in his right hand as his left lies motionless. Finally, with a pair of powerful "THUD"s, the red mech comes to a halt, approximately 4 feet from Scott. Ramona and Stacey stand several feet behind him, both with a concerned expression, and both with the same thought on their mind. "Scott, PLEASE be careful. I really don't want to be banned from the second cup." Ramona says, motioning towards the building. "Please try and move the fight across the street."

The man within the mech spoke, a speaker in the suit's chest cavity amplifying his voice, and giving it a slightly tinny ring "Scott W. Pilgrim?" Requested a distinctly Russian, somewhat hard voice. Scott nodded, and raised his blade. The mech raised its right hand, the barrels all pointed at Scott. Scott stood defiantly, ready to use what Matilda had taught him. A loud whirring was heard within the mech, and one of the barrels (a thick, stubby one) began to glow and shake, pressure slowly building. The whir grew louder and louder, each passing second raising it an octave. Scott simply got into position and readied himself.

With a sharp ping the whirring stopped, and Scott swung as quickly as he could, the laser blade of his weapon swishing through the air with a definite electric sizzle. He opened his eyes and saw the mech had not fired, instead, a small paper tube on a stick was poking out of one of the various barrels. "I have a message for you." Said the man uncaringly. Scott raised an eyebrow, staring into the viewport of the mech for several moments before slowly removing the paper from the mech's possession. He continued to look at the visitor as he slowly unrolled the paper. The robotic arm of the mechanical man was lowered, and Scott finally looked at the note, reading it aloud for Ramona and Stacey.

"Dear Scott Pilgrim,

It has come to my attention that you have defeated the previous number 6 assassin, pestilence. I thank you for this, as she had quite a track record, and unfortunately my weapons are not quite numerous enough to take her down. Unfortunately, this means that you will now die, for now our paths must cross. Once you are removed from the picture, I shall be one step closer to being the #1 Canadian assassin (Today Canada, tomorrow, THE WORLD! HA-HA-HA-HA! Ahem). Prepare to die at the hands of my legion of Robots Mr. Pilgrim.

With regards,

Dr. Prof. Robert Nikolai Willis (PHD in evil robotics, evil economics, and masters in evil art history)"

Scott paused briefly, before groaning "UGH! That's not fair! You can't have a legion of robots do your assassinating for you! That should totally be against the rules!" he exclaimed, looking at the mechanized mailman.

The robot did the best shrug equivalent it could, before responding "Hey man, I don't make the rules, I just deliver mail. It puts food on the table." With that, he turned, and slowly plodded off, stomps fading into the distance. The three of them stood in silence in several moments, waiting for the thuds to disappear fully, before Scott broke the stillness by deactivating his beam katana.

Stacey smiled, relieved "Well, that went better than expected. You didn't have to fight anyone, you didn't cause any public unrest... well, any MAJOR public unrest, and the store has remained unscathed." she finished, motioning to the second cup.

"Yeah, I'm relieved too." Scott said, looking for some wood to knock on. "Well, me and Rammy should really get going, get to see what kind of damage the looters have done to our house." He waved bye to Stacey as he wrapped an arm around Ramona. He had just taken his first step away when Stacey spoke up.

"Wait little bro, aren't you forgetting something?"

Scott thought for a moment "Uh, not that I can remember."

"Geez, how do you even FUNCTION on a daily basis? YOUR WHOLE DUAL PERSONA ISSUE?!"

Scott shrugged "Well, I don't need the answers RIGHT now, just before I kill someone who doesn't deserve it. Just make a list of possibilities and call me tomorrow, I'll tell you if I have a revelation." He replied, before waving and heading off into the night.

TRANSITION!

Imposing walls of stone and mortar rose from the hill, dominating the skyline for miles around. The rising sun shot rays of penetrating light at the otherwise dark and lugubrious structure. From the mighty stone walls, just over 20 feet in height, built onto a hill of 30, Castle EideBöse in south Bavaria stood strikingly above the desolate town of Tötelan. The castle had one thick tower, jutting from the very center, where a gluttonous set of gothic windows jutted out. Within the castle was a single man, sitting behind a mahogany writing desk, slowly typing at an anachronistic computer. This man wore a simple white lab coat, name stitched into the lapel. He was clothed in simple black pants, and wore brown loafers a size too large. He smiled deviously from behind his desk as a now familiar thudding was heard in the distance.

"That will be the mail boy now, just on time" he said to himself, his massively mustachioed mouth and grey lips producing a thick German accent. A few moments later, said mail boy crashed through the ceiling, landing gracefully on his metallic feet. The German rolled his eyes, not looking up from his computer "You know, there is a door, approximately 3.274 meters away" he said dryly.

The mech again did its best to shrug "Eh, I like making an entry."

The man finally looked up, removing his monocle and rubbing it with a specialized cloth. "I can see that. Did you give the Pilgrim boy my message?"

The mech responded "Yes, he claims your cheating, Mr. Willis."

The German frowned "That's Dr. Professor Willis to you; I didn't go to four years of evil trade school to be called 'Mr.'. Now then," he said, replacing his monocle, "It is time to enact phase one. Mail boy, activate attack Robot 1. We'll see how well this new number 6 likes playing with fireworks!" he cackled maniacally for several moments, before abruptly adding "As well, send in cleaning robot 3 to fix this... damage.

TRANSITION

Scott and Ramona stepped out of the subspace door and onto the streets of Toronto, about a block from Ramona's place. "Hey, Rammy, I was wondering: I get that we where in disguise going down to Texas, but why couldn't we take subspace back up? You know, save on some hours and some money?" Scott asked.

"Like I know the subspace routes that far south, geez." She replied sarcastically, hand waving logic away like a pesky fly. Scott simply rolled his eyes as they walked up the path to the door, hands still entwined. Scott dug around in his pocket with his free hand, face contorting in concentration. A few moments later, his face grew red, and his lips cracked into a guilty smile.

"Uh, Rammy, could you... use your key? I kinda forgot mine..." He said shakily, doing his best to remain nonchalant (and failing).

Ramona slyly grinned "I dunno... I said I wouldn't let you back in if you didn't have your key... I made a promise." She replied, playfully batting him about as a cat would with its prey.

"Oh c'mon, I'm... we're right here... please don't lock me out?" He nearly begged, hand clasping harder around hers.

She swiveled her head around in mock consideration, humming as she did, before finally replying "... Yeah, all right, just this once. Though, you're going to have to make it up to me later somehow..." she finished lustfully, practically purring as she whipped her key out. She turned the lock and opened the door, pulling at Scott's hand to follow her in. As she pulled, Scott pulled closer as well. Their lips met as they stepped in, and they continued to kiss as they slowly but surely walked in, Ramona batting the door closed with her booted heel.

Scott's eyes opened slightly, then shot open in surprise as he faced the kitchen. He broke off from Ramona "Wallace?" he asked aloud. Sure enough, Wallace Wells laid sprawled out on the kitchen table, shirt half un tucked, hair in maximum bed head mode, and half a bottle of beer within his grasp, accompanied by half a dozen empty ones scattered liberally around the table.

Wallace groaned a little, before lifting his head from the table, bleary eyes fixing on Scott "Oh hey guy, what's up? You three where supposed to be here hours ago." he said, pointing accusingly (but not angrily) at Scott.

"Us Three?" Scott asked in confusion, counting only himself and Ramona.

"Yeah, you three. You, Ramona, and evil you." He responded, taking a sip of his grown up juice before his head fell heavily on the table

"Wait, how did you know about-"

"Stacey." Wallace and Ramona said in unison. Not in unison, was Wallace's next statement "She was pissed at me, she really was. She even said so in the text, with an ANGRY FROWNY FACE =(. But I was completely unaware that their where two equally hot Scott pilgrim's in the world, so I guess that makes us even." He finished.

"So... that answers that... but why are you in my house?" Scott asked, trying to get him to leave as quickly as possible.

Wallace giggled giddily, his drink addled mind adding humor where there was none to be had. "Silly Scott, I had to be here to stop looters! I thought you would at least be a little bit grateful or something... saving your stuff and whatnot."

"Well then, who's at your house, protecting your things from your looters?"

"Mobile."

"Who's protecting Mobile's Stuff?"

"Mobile."

"Wait, how does that work?"

"We live together, Scott. We have for a very long time now... you crashed their before, remember?"

Scott did, but didn't say it, instead opting for "Well, thanks for the home defense and everything, really... thanks... you can go now... home... to Mobile." he said, pointing to the door.

Wallace shrugged from his slumped position "Eh, I don't see the rush. We can use this time to catch up, apologize for things, and rethink how we're going to approach this whole assassin deal. It'll be fun. Like one small party. With death. And no music. Or partying." he said, drink slurring his words.

"Look Wallace, that's all well and good but... I don't think you're in the best state of mind to-"

"You want me to leave so you can have sex don't you?"

"Yes."

"Fine."