I never understood it when authors said they were intending to do something with a chapter, but the characters took them other places. I get it now. I swear this was not where I intended to go with this chapter. I thought we'd happily fight over Isaac and Ray. That's been saved for another day I guess. This chapter is very Flynn heavy so be warned. Also, there is question at the end.

Thanks so much to everyone who is reading and reviewing. The reviews really do help and I appreciate them all. I know some of you were torn about Ray and Christian and I understand why. Nothing is black and white and if it were, it wouldn't be fun to write or read.

A special thanks to the guest review last chapter who left one of the nicest reviews I've ever gotten. I wish you were signed in so I could thank you! Also, thanks to DottiG. She always leaves helpful reviews and has been great to chat with too.

Chapter 10 – Shared Advance

"How many times do I have to say it Christian, I don't want to talk about it. I'm not sure how much clearer I can be. I'm not talking about Ray with Flynn, end of story."

I'm tried and angry and I want to scream at him but we're walking back from brunch, and he's carrying our sleeping child, so that's not an option at the moment. It will be once we're home though; I'm making sure of it. Christian is smirking and that just pisses me off more. I know I'm being childish; I just don't care at the moment.

Christian replies saying, "I know you don't want to talk about it Ana but I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. I very rarely, if ever, want to talk about the things we do in therapy. That's kind of the point of it, isn't it?"

He's being a condescending ass about this and is taking way to much joy in my irrational behavior.

"I don't know why you're enjoying this so much, I'm pissed at you too," I spit out.

Christian smiles and says, "I'm very well aware that you're pissed. I wouldn't say I'm enjoying it exactly, but we have about 15 minutes until we have to call Flynn. At that point, I have to rehash brunch AND the issues with Ray and I know the tables are about to turn. It's very rare that I am the one being rational about something and you aren't."

I stop when we get to my building and say, clearly annoyed, "In other words, you're enjoying it."

Christian follows me into the building, and then into the elevator. Rolling his eyes and smirking he says, "Maybe a bit."

He's right about one thing; this conversation with Flynn is going to be a mess. I might as well enjoy the few minutes of calm between the shit show that today has been and will be.

"You know," I say smiling, "rolling your eyes used to warrant corporal punishment in this relationship."

I didn't think about that before I said it and that's never good. Immediately I see two problems, one, we're in an elevator and two, that single sentence got both of us thinking about the playroom. Trapped in an elevator and turned on is not a good combination in an ambiguous, complicated relationship for two people that haven't had sex in years.

Christian's eyes widen as he cocks his eyebrow and begins walking toward me. It's a very small elevator; I have nowhere to go and am instantly backed up against the wall.

His voice is deep and forceful when he speaks and he's so close to me I can feel his breath as he leans in. The tension coming off him is so thick it's almost palpable when he says,

"That can be arranged Ana, it's been a very long time. Are you volunteering?"

I hear my breath hitch and feel my entire body flush. I know I should stop this, we still have so much to deal with, but he's to close and he smells amazing, I can't think clearly.

Instead I whisper, "It wasn't me that rolled my eyes, are you volunteering?"

He leans in further and I feel him smirk against my neck, and then he starts to slowly kiss up the side of my neck until his mouth is at my ear. When he gets there he stops, and gently bites my earlobe and then softy says,

"At this point Anastasia, I'd pretty much volunteer for anything you want."

The thought of Christian volunteering for anything I want makes my knees go week, and it's not helping that he's kissing and nipping his way from my ear to the corner of my mouth. My body can't take this, it's been to long and this is too much.

Just as he gets to my mouth, and start to really kiss me, I see Noah stir a bit in his arms and that reality comes back with a vengeance. I start to think about brunch and Ray and I can't do this.

Brunch was a disaster from the moment we sat down. Christian was outrageously jealous, which I expected but Isaac didn't help things by being hostel, which Christian took as jealous and that made him ten times worse. I felt like he spent the entire brunch peeing all over Noah and I. Five minutes in I wanted to kill him and leave.

"Christian," I say gently and when nothing happens I say it again a bit louder and I gently push him away, "Christian, Stop."

He takes one step back but otherwise doesn't move. He's looking at the ceiling and breathing heavily when he says,

"Jesus Christ Ana, seriously? What is the problem? Do you not want this? I don't get it. You even started it this time?"

I feel tears start to form in my eyes. I don't know what my problem is but he's right, every time we've started something in the last month, I've stopped it. Maybe it's been to long, maybe I'm not capable of being intimate anymore.

My voice is shaky as I start to say, "I don't know why I keep stopping." I'm interrupted as the elevator door opens.

Christian turns away from me and walks out of the elevator saying, "I don't know either Ana but this just went straight to the top of Flynn's list because if we can't figure this out, I'm not sure how we can figure out anything."

I walk pass Christian to let him into the apartment and once I do he heads straight to Noah's room. He doesn't come out until it's time to call Flynn. I know Noah didn't wake-up, I would have heard him on the monitor. Christian is avoiding me and trying to cool off. Which is fine, I need to try and get my thoughts together before the call too.

Christian dials Flynn on the Ipad and after we get the pleasantries out of the way, Flynn says,

"Okay Christian, Ana, I know there has been a lot of developments this week. I've read both of your emails from yesterday, why don't we start with the situation with Ray.

Christian interrupts him and says, "We do need to talk about Ray and Isaac," he says Isaac's name with such contempt that I would laugh at his dramatics if I wasn't so nervous. "but right now I need to talk about Ana and I."

Flynn writes something on his pad, and then looks up at us and says, "Okay Christian, what is it you feel you need to talk about?"

Christian begins to tell Flynn about the number of times, over the last month, that we've gotten physically close and I've pulled away, ending with today in the elevator."

Once Christian's done, John addresses me.

"Ana," he says kindly, "what do you think is making you pull away from Christian?"

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks, today isn't the first time it's happened, but I don't know what it is. When I take a while before answering, Christian says,

"Maybe she doesn't want this and she doesn't know how to tell me. She was the one that wanted the divorce."

He sounds annoyed and nervous but Flynn isn't having it and unhappily says,

"Is your name Ana, Christian? Perhaps that's something else we need to discuss. If it's not, I ask that you respect that the question was directed at Ana, and let her answer it."

Flynn's scolding seems to work and Christian huffs but stops talking. Something about the scolding, in combination with Christian's comment about the divorce, and me not wanting the relationship, finally connects the dots in my head.

"Ana?" Flynn says.

I take a deep breath, I've been playing with my hands and trying to figure out how to say this. I finally look at John and say quietly,

"We've not talked about it. We've been talking to you at least once a week, usually more, and sending you emails throughout the week with other issues and we've not talked about it at all. We've talked about Noah, and our mistakes with him. We've talked about how we want our relationship to be with him and what we both want where he's concerned, but we've not talked about it."

When I look at Flynn he looks please but all I see when I look at Christian is confusion.

Flynn smiles gently and says, "I was wondering when this would come up. Ana, I think Christian may need a bit more of an explanation."

Now that I know what my issue is, I feel much better. I turn to Christian and say,

"I didn't know what was holding me back Christian, I thought maybe I wasn't capable of being intimate anymore."

I'm clearly emotional about it and that has Christian interrupting.

"Ana," Christian starts gently but Flynn stops him and says,

"Christian, give Ana a second please."

Christian huffs at Flynn once again but then gestures for me to continue so I say,

"We been so focused on Noah in these sessions, which was the right thing to do, but we've never talked about the divorce, or what cause it. Those issues didn't just disappear Christian, no matter how much we loved each other. They're still here and every time we get into a situation where those jealous, controlling tendencies come out, like today with Isaac, or finding out that you and my dad have been taking every week since the divorce, I get scared and pull back."

I want to stop there but I know I need to put it all on the line if we're going to get anywhere so I continue.

"It's not that I don't want a relationship with you, I do very much, but I don't want the same relationship we had all those years ago. And I don't think there's a way to avoid that unless we deal with the issues we had…have."

"Christian," Flynn asks, "how do you feel about what Ana has just said?"

Christian pauses for a second and then petulantly says, "I fucking hate when you ask me that question."

Flynn smiles, seemingly undaunted and then continues, "I'm well aware of that all after all these years, but it's yet to stop me asking so perhaps you could give it a go."

Christian exhales and runs his hand over his face for a second and then says,

"I guess I thought we were starting over. I didn't think that those issues needed to follow us as we began again. I've been trying to so hard to be different this time, to not control everything and to let Ana have control of her own life. For fuck's sake, I even went to meet Mr. Pompous Professor Asshole this morning, what more can I do?"

I don't wait for John to ask me my thoughts this time. I jump right in and say exasperatedly,

"That's just is Christian, you did meet Isaac this morning, and you have been so much less controlling and jealous but it could have been the you from 4 years ago at brunch this morning. You were an asshole and you know it. I felt like a toy you were fighting over, not a person."

"That's bullshit Ana, the me from four years ago would have flat out refused to meet him and would have refused to let you continue your friendship with him. If that man had met Isaac at breakfast, he would have punch him and left with both you and Noah."

He right about how he would have reacted years ago, and it makes me see how far he's come but I'm not sure if it's far enough. That thought scares me and I say quietly,

"You're right, you've changed a lot but..." I stop there but Flynn knows there's more and he's waiting for me to finish. "I'm scared to go back to that life, I don't know what it will mean for me and for Noah."

I say it quietly but Christian explodes, standing up and saying,

"If that's the case, what the fuck are we even doing Ana."

I wasn't expecting to go here today, I though we were going to deal with the Ray situation and with Isaac which were bad enough but this feels like everything's rides on it. It dangerous.

Flynn speaks up then and says, "Christian, you know full well that in order to deal with things, we have to be brutally honest in these session. That will mean there will be things that come out that neither of you will want to hear. The only way to move past them is to deal with the truth."

Christian falls back into the couch with a huff and I'm relieved he's not leaving.

"Let's go back to the first thing we were talking about, and deal with things from there. Do you both agree that you would like to move your relationship from where it is now to a more intimate one?"

He waits until we both say, "Yes," and then continues.

"Christian, you assumed that since you were starting over, the past issues you had would be void, is that correct?"

Christian answers by saying, "I didn't think we'd pretend they never happened but I thought we'd start fresh, yes."

Flynn shakes his head and says, "If you apply that logic to other areas we've discussed over the years, does it hold?" When Christian doesn't immediately answer he says, "When you started a relationship with Ana the first time, did your past issues with intimate relationships cease to exist because you were starting a different kind of relationship with Ana?"

I can see a light bulb go off in his head when he says, "You know they didn't, but what's the point of trying again if what I've done in the past will always be there?"

He turns to me saying, "Ana can you address Christian's concerns?"

I think about it for a few minutes and say, "I'm not sure if I can, he's right. He's changed and is still trying to change and if I can't accept that, that's my issue. Isn't it?"

He doesn't answer my question; instead he asks me, "What is it that you said at the beginning of the session? What's holding you back?"

Now I start to see where he's going. I'm relieved that it's making sense and so I say,

"That we hadn't really worked through the issues from the past."

Flynn seems happy and well and says, "And if we outline those issues and deal with them, do you think you can eventually move past them?"

I feel so much better once he says this because I realize I can. What I need is to voice the issues and deal with them head on and then we can move forward.

I let out cleansing breathe and say, "Yes, I think so." I can actually hear the relief in my voice.

"Christian?" Flynn says.

I can see that Christian is nervous, he doesn't want to do this, to relive all that painful stuff from the past and neither do I, but I think it's the only way. I lean over and take his hand, trying to show him a bit of support.

"I don't want to go back there," he finally says. "I'm afraid once we do, Ana will realize how fucked up I was, am, and she won't want this."

I tighten my grip on his hand and reach up to stroke his face saying, "That won't happen Christian, you're what I want. I just want to make sure that we do a better job of it this time, so it's forever."

He looks defeated but says, "Fine, lets get this over with."

Now that we're really doing this I'm petrified. I know this is going to hurt both of us and I don't want that.

I have no choice but to begin when Flynn says, "Ana, can you tell me the three biggest issues that led to the dissolution of your marriage?"

My hand is still in Christian's and now it's me that needs the support from it. I take a few moments to collect my thoughts and say,

"The first thing was that Christian needed to control everything."

When I stop, Flynn says, "Can you expand on how that need for control made you feel?"

Oh god, here goes.

"It wasn't just that I had security, I had always had some security with Christian, it was that I had 2 or 3 guys all the time. I couldn't go anywhere alone. It got oppressive after the kidnapping and then we lost the baby. After that he wouldn't let me work from the office. I had to give up Grey Publishing because no one can effectively run a company from home. I wasn't allowed to go out without him; I couldn't meet my friends for a drink. I felt like I went from a 21 year old college student to a 70 year old shut-in within a year."

I'm surprised at the pain that comes back when I talk about that time in our life. I feel anxious, trapped, and angry just like I did then. When I don't move on, Flynn says,

"Okay, that's one. What's next? We'll deal with all three at the end."

I look at Christian to see what he's feeling and I can see the pain in his face, he doesn't look angry, he looks ashamed.

My voice is shaky as I continue, "My age, I guess or more specifically my inexperience. I was so young when we met. I hadn't really come into myself and I didn't know how to deal with everything that came with Christian. I didn't really know who I was alone and the control didn't' ever allow me to figure it out once we were together. I was so naive and when I started to be unhappy I didn't know how to deal with it so I didn't. I didn't tell Christian how much I hated what was happening until it was to late. I flat out refused to talk to you about it when he asked. I just shut down.

Now I'm ashamed. I've spent the last four years telling myself that everything that happened was Christian's fault, but it was mine too and I know it. I want to stop there but I know I can't. We need to get it all out.

"Lastly I guess, we stopped having sex and he stopped letting me touch him. We stopped going into the playroom, stopped all the kinky stuff and never really talked about why. In the last 6-month of our marriage we probably had sex a handful of times. He wouldn't even let me hug him. I know I started it; I refused him a few times and after while he stopped asking. I was miserable and I just couldn't…"

I'm tearing up now, and my voice is cracking. It's so painful to relive all of that and when I look at Christian he looks pale and withdrawn.

"Thank you Ana, I can imagine that was quite difficult." Flynn pauses to give us time to digest and then starts again. "It seems there are two main issues that came out of that: Christian, your need for extreme control when you feel things have gone wrong, and Ana, your inability to communicate your issues and feelings. Does that seem fair?"

We both shake our heads, it seems neither one of us can speak.

"Christian," Flynn continues, "with your permission, I'd like to tell Ana a bit about our sessions over the last year or so. Are you okay with that?"

"Of course, tell her whatever you think she needs to know."

I'm surprised when he agrees so easily.

"Ana, the reason I asked you about your issues in the marriage but I didn't ask Christian his is because he and I have talked a great deal about it. The good news," he says smiling "is that your issues line up almost exactly. Christian has been working on his need to control, and I think you've seen some of the results of that."

I interrupt him saying, "I know he has, I have seen it and intellectually I do know he's different now. But I'm still scared."

Christian still has one of my hands, and he's rubbing my back with the other when he says, "I'm scared too Ana, shitless. Every second of the day I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up again."

I lay my head on his chest, and he pulls me in, hugging me. I knew this session was going to be difficult, but it ended up being difficult for a completely different reason then I thought. I'm emotionally drained and I know Christian is too.

After giving us a few minutes, Flynn says, "Ok you two, that's about enough for today. I don't want to overload you and we may have already done that. I'd like to see you each individually this week and then we'll do our regular joint session next Saturday. In the mean time, Christian, I'd like you to go to Charleston a day early next week. You both have said that you wish to start over but you haven't actually stared over yet. Go on a date, have fun with each other. Do something you both enjoy. Be young. Don't talk about issues or even Noah, get to know each other again."

He stops and laughs and says, "That's an order! I know we still need to deal with Isaac and with Ray and we will, but this is a good start. I'm happy with both of you."

With that, we arrange individual sessions for during the week and end the call.

We sit in each other's arms for a very long time without speaking, the weight of everything we just relived sitting heavy in the room. I know Flynn said not to talk about our issues this week but I can't help it, I turn toward Christian and we both say, at the same time,

"I'm sorry."

Christian smiles, and then I do too and we both start laughing. He looks at his watch and says,

"Do you think we should tell him we made it a whole 22 minutes before ignoring him?"

"I'm not sure he'd be surprised." I say laughing in response. "I think he's right though, we're both at fault. We can deal with that in therapy but in order to move on, we need to get to know each other again."

"I'll work it out and come back Thursday night next week, and I'd like to plan the activity too. Are you okay with that?"

I lean up and gently brush my lips against his and say, "I'm fine with that, it gives me one less thing to do this week."

XX

We're almost to the point that the Grey's learn about and meet Noah, if you have thoughts about how they'll react, Kate and Grace especially, I'd love to hear them.