Total Drama Outrage
Chapter 10: A Useful Marine Hazard
Roof of the Killer Critics' Cabin: The Dead of Night
In any other time or place, the sound of someone climbing the side of the building and thudding around on the roof would be some cause for alarm. To any Killer Critics who were awake at that point of the night, it just meant that Everett had probably returned from the forest once more. He'd been hanging around there a lot lately in between the challenges, claiming that the solitude of the woods made his view of the world clearer, less obscured by the usual fog of delusions. Other people might say he was just hiding from Donovan, which is also a reasonable excuse to be out in the woods at night because to say Donovan wasn't the friendliest of people would be putting it mildly. Whatever his reasons, Everett had been in the woods, and now he was on the roof.
As he was often wont to do, Everett, his dark glasses removed and lying on the roof beside him, was engaging in the distinguished activity of star gazing. Such a pastime was normally extremely easy out here so far from civilisation but tonight menacing clouds were blotting out great portions of the night sky, their edges tinged silver by trapped moonlight. Everett was left to stare up at the few patches starlight visible above him, the infinitely distant pinpoints of brilliant light seeming even further out of reach tonight. The Earth, and its inhabitants were far closer at hand, a fact Everett was reminded of when he heard footsteps ascending the ladder he'd used to reach the roof. His hand shot out almost unconsciously, reaching to retrieve his discarded sunglasses but fumbling in the dark, sending them skittering further down the roof. He moved to reclaim them but froze as the familiar figure of a teammate emerged into view on the rooftop, firmly closing his eyes.
"Everett?" asked Lauren hesitantly, deciding not to ascend further up the roof "are you alright?"
"Eyes," he replied slowly, "my sunglasses fell. No one is supposed to see my eyes." Lauren gazed about on the dark rooftop until she spotted the shape of his sunglasses contrasting against the tiles beneath them.
"I could bring them up to you if you'd like," she offered, "if you don't think you can move from up there."
"No, if you touched them they wouldn't work anymore," he explained wearily, "I'll get them when it's safe. You can still talk to me; I'll just keep my eyes closed." Lauren realised two things upon hearing this; that Everett's thoughts on how sunglasses, or reality for that matter worked differed vastly from reality and if Donovan found out that Everett had some sort of problem with eye contact he'd definitely confront the boy about it. Even though Donovan had already acted against Everett once, he wouldn't hesitate to strike again in the name of his philosophy about making people stronger. Warning Everett about this though seemed like bad idea to Lauren, her teammate already had enough to deal with so she just continued with what she'd come up there to say.
"I was supposed to tell you this days ago but I haven't been able to find you until now. Marshall came up to us after the Screaming Fans elimination and wanted someone to pass along the fact that Alice had been eliminated. It was supposed to make you feel safer."
"Ha!" Everett's bark of laughter came so suddenly Lauren might have cried out in shock if living in Camp Wawanakwa didn't tend to desensitise people towards things that might otherwise startle them. "Did you know that every human being is capable of reading and influencing the minds of others?" he asked conversationally, "but Alice and those like her are the only one who can pull it off without eye contact. Yes, I'm safer now, thanks for telling me that." Much of the tension bled out of Everett's posture and though his eyes remained tightly closed he appeared noticeably more relaxed than he had before hearing Alice was gone.
"I don't think she was a bad person you know," said Lauren, "I'm sure she wasn't planning to hurt you."
"I wish I was sure of that as well," said Everett, his voice increasingly distant with each word as he turned his face up towards the sky, as if he could still see the stars even with his eyes closed. "But that kind of surety isn't something I'm capable of."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you think about when you look at the sky?"
"I like to think, that somewhere up there is a place where I wouldn't be like this, or even a place where it wouldn't matter what I was like."
"Thank you," was all Lauren said, for that was all she could really think of to say about that, before descending back down the ladder and returning to her bed. It was a long time before Everett worked up the courage to open his eyes and collect his sunglasses and longer still before he fell asleep. Nothing further disturbed him that night; which wasn't to say that nobody else was on the move. Just that they didn't disturb Everett when they acted out their own sinister plan, no one became aware of that until the following morning however, when the fragile peace that had descended over Camp Wawanakwa was shattered once more.
Early Morning: Girl's Side of the Killer Critics' Cabin
Anyone who entered the girl's side of the Killer Critics' Cabin that morning would be forced to surmise that either a large amount of paint had spontaneously combusted and was now decorating the walls and floor or that a ninja had crept in and silently completed an act of mass vandalism. All of Lauren's art supplies, paint, pens, paper, the lot had been trashed and destroyed, the sad remnants of the girl's hobby littering the cabin. Of course the act hadn't been entirely senseless, amidst the puddles of paint and coloured ink a bold message had been painted; NO MORE DISTRACTIONS. Lauren had been awake and staring at this message wordlessly for some time before she finally broke the silence.
"I'd rather hoped Donovan would leave me out his scheme," she mused sadly as she looked upon the ruins of her prized possessions, "but I suppose that was wishful thinking."
"What's this about Donovan?" Heidi asked sleepily, rolling over from her side and keeping her eyes closed, quite intent on getting back to sleep.
"He was in here last night while we were asleep."
"What!?" that got Heidi's attention and she sat bolt upright in bed and gasped in shock as she saw what had been done to the room. "This… he…what?" this was beyond Donovan's usual theft, the vandalism, the painted message, this was almost scary.
"I wasn't aware he was trained in the arts of stealth, he wrecked all my stuff without either of us waking up," said Lauren, "not that we could have done much to stop him even we did catch him."
"I don't think so!" snapped Heidi, getting over her initial shock and sliding out of bed furiously. "This has gone far enough! Way past the point where we can just ignore him and hope he goes away! He's been walking all over every single one of us, stealing from us, poisoning us, trying to KILL US!" The red-head stormed outside the cabin and shouted wildly into thin air, "I know you can hear me Chris Mclean! There's no way Donovan is allowed to get away with stuff like this, disqualify him!"
"Sorry," Chris Mclean's voice came from the camp PA system, followed by sounds of laughter that indicated he wasn't sorry at all. "But, violence, theft and destruction of property directed towards other contestants haven't been prohibited by the rules. Nothing I can do about that. By the way Donovan, that stunt you pulled is going to be ratings gold, I can flood the commercials with that, well done dude."
"Then we'll just have to throw the next challenge and eliminate him anyway," threatened Heidi, "he's leaving this island TODAY!"
"No can do, it IS against the rules to throw challenges and if I suspect you of trying it you'll be automatically eliminated."
"You're just making that up! There's no rule against throwing challenges!"
"You are a very angry person, you know that right? Must be because you have red hair and no soul! The rules are whatever I make them and I say anyone who throws a challenge will automatically be eliminated. End of story, I'm not talking to you anymore."
"Red heads' do have souls!" protested Heidi angrily, even though she knew Chris wasn't likely to reply. "You're acting as crazy as Everett."
"Hey! I resent that," called Everett, poking his head over the side of the roof to stare down at her, "Chris isn't even close to being the maniac I am."
"You aren't a maniac," Heidi told him distractedly, "you just talk like one. Donovan's the real maniac on this island; do you know what he did last night?"
"Slept?" guessed Everett.
"Only when he wasn't busy trashing our side of the cabin!" snapped Heidi, "he's gone and ruined all Lauren's stuff so she can't be distracted by art anymore."
"That must have been quite late since I was up stargazing for hours last night," Everett told her, "and I didn't hear a thing. You better be careful anyhow, since you and Wolf are the only ones he hasn't done anything to yet. You must be next on the list."
"Wolf!" Heidi recalled that she hadn't seen the wild girl in the cabin this morning, "I haven't seen her yet, WOLF! Are you out there!?" To Heidi's immediate relief there was an answering howl from the woods and Wolf strolled out, barking enthusiastically.
"What's she saying?" asked Everett, "I wish I could speak wolfish too."
"She says that I shouldn't worry because she can take care of herself," answered Heidi, Wolf nodded deeply as though she was agreeing and then snapped her teeth pointedly. "She also says that she can bite people." Wolf nodded once more before bolting back off into the woods, presumably to look for pinecones or whatever it was that she got up to in there.
"Amazing, I'll add that to my notes," Everett disappeared from view, presumably to add to his guidebook on the language of the werewolves and Heidi was left to deal with other problems. She stalked over to the door leading to the boy's side of the cabin and kicked it open, hoping she could shout at Donovan for being an evil bastard only to find he wasn't in the cabin. Only Matthew was in there and the boy was sitting on his bed meditating, the mystic book Alice had given him open in front of him.
"Morning Heidi," he said calmly, "I'm just following instructions from this really cool book that green haired psychic let me have. First I attain inner peace and I then I can master the Iron Palm Technique, fear the strike that can bend oaks!"
"That's nice, feel free to practice that on Donovan whenever you see him. That demented jerk was creeping around our side of the cabin wrecking stuff while we were asleep last night! Do you know where he is?"
"Getting breakfast last I heard," answered Matthew, still in a meditative pose, "I asked him if he wanted some psychiatric meds as well but he wasn't interested. Prefers to poison other people with those it seems."
"I'd say that he can't handle his own medicine but it's not his medicine, its Everett's," muttered Heidi, "well I'll just deal with him later then, I've got to help Lauren clear all the mess up in our room. See you later Matthew, don't eat breakfast anywhere near Donovan either."
"I won't, even I'm not that crazy," said Matthew, "besides, he would disturb my attempts to find inner peace."
"Oh he's disturbing all right," agreed Heidi.
Confessional
Lauren: Oh well, at least I finished painting the cabin before Donovan went on his rampage, he didn't damage those pictures so my work hasn't been entirely ruined. I suppose I should be a little more angry about what he did but that just isn't in my nature. I'll leave all the raging to Matthew and the paranoia to Everett. Heidi can get quite angry too but I don't think it's because she's a red head or has no soul, is it? I should ask Sandra, she's probably tested stuff like that.
Matthew: That book Alice lent to me is really beast, I've got to master its contents before I get sent to the brig and have to return it to her. Things are looking up for me, I've attained a secret manual of power, levelled up my inner peace and got a side quest! I wonder if that Marshall guy could help me figure out the real insane martial arts stuff near the back of the book. He looks like a skill trainer.
Marshall: I really hope Matthew doesn't ask me for help with the stuff in that book. It's not real martial arts, it's just crazy chi monk philosophy enlightenment stuff like levitation and running through thin air like they do in cheap martial arts movies. None of that is really possible, Sandra would have a field day disproving everything in that book.
Stacey: There'll be another challenge today if my meticulous police notes are correct, which they are and if you say they aren't I'll have you arrested for slander. Oh and reading confidential documents too, that's a crime too. Anyway, if all goes well there'll be another criminal kicked off this island tonight. I look forward to the day that this island is finally purged free of crime.
Everett: Those storm clouds are getting really bad, before I fell asleep last night I couldn't see the sky at all for all the clouds up there. Guess I won't be doing any more stargazing for a while. With my luck there'll be a super storm hitting the island any day now and we'll all get stuck inside our cabins hiding from the torrential downpour of rain for days. I'm bound to get cabin fever on top everything else now.
Scream of Disgust
It was probably lucky Heidi didn't bother looking any further for Donovan, because if she'd searched Killer Food Poisoning she wouldn't have found him. For reasons known only to himself, Donovan had decided to raid the Screaming Fans kitchen instead this morning and was eating at a table in The Scream of Disgust Restaurant. Chance and Sandra had been eating breakfast at another table when the hulking boy had arrived, covered in splashes of paint and with a grim expression on his face but had wisely decided not to challenge his presence in their team's restaurant. That didn't mean they weren't concerned about it however.
"Are you sure that's only red paint staining his clothes," hissed Chance urgently, "he might have murdered his whole team last night!"
"If it was only red stains I'd be a little more concerned but humans don't have yellow, green, purple or blue blood!" pointed out Sandra.
"What, not even Cynthia?" asked Chance, unable to pass up on the opportunity to make a joke about his aristocratic teammate.
"Not even her," said Sandra, "so unless Donovan has been gallivanting around on the moon killing the aliens living in a secret base up there, that's not blood on his clothes."
"Would it be fair to say that since the word 'Lunar' is used about the moon that anyone living there could be called a Lunatic?" asked Chance, "and if so, is it actually the homeworld of the Killer Critics?"
"Making enough jokes this morning are you?" complained Sandra, "it's because Donovan's presence at breakfast is making you nervous isn't it? You're afraid he's going to snap and kill us at any moment. He's just been doing some painting with that spaced out artist girl or something, don't worry about it so much."
"He'll definitely kill us if you keep talking so loudly," muttered Chance in annoyance, "and you never know what Donovan is up to, he has a record of trying to poison people with psychotropic drugs so you can understand why I'd rather he didn't hang here at breakfast time. Shame Marshall isn't here to kick him out with awesome martial arts, or even Stacey for that matter. He might get sick of her trying to arrest him for trespassing and just leave of his own free will."
"Some use you are," Sandra snorted dismissively, "if he causes any trouble I'll just tear him apart with my superior knowledge of the universe."
"You mean you'll douse him with acid right?"
"No, I'll just wield the forces of reason and logic to shatter his pathetic little philosophy into a thousand little pieces. Such ridiculous ideas can't stand up against the onslaught of science, it's only a matter of time you know."
"Ha! Like how you convinced Alice she was wrong and never mentioned anything about psychic powers or magic ever again?" asked Chance, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Don't mention that green haired loony to me again!" snapped Sandra, "she's eliminated, I'm not, end of story!"
"Such negative energy, your aura is just plain terrible this morning. Did that sound like Alice? Are you getting flashbacks?"
"I said shut it!"
"Now, now," Cynthia had appeared beside the table as if out of thin air, as usual no one had heard her approach. Maybe she only tapped her cane against the floor when she wanted to be heard and just crept around like a ninja the rest of the time? "Such arguing amongst teammates is uncivilised. It is not merge yet, there is no need for us to be at each other's throats like this."
"You're not on the receiving end of Chance's comedy routine," complained Sandra, "well you were a minute ago but that's beside the point."
"Oh come on that was just on joke about her blood!"
"I'd rather you didn't joke about my blood," Cynthia told him, "or anything else about me for that matter."
"Yeah, yeah, well if you want polite company how about you go over there and have a chat with our good old friend Donovan?" suggested Chance, sarcastically once again. "He looks quite lonely over there."
"Don't mind if I do, he might be quite reasonable if one just has a civilised discussion with him," said Cynthia, and much to the wide-mouthed amazement of Sandra and Chance she did in fact walk right up to Donovan and begin speaking to him. She was however out of her teammates' earshot at the time, which judging but the nature of her conversation with Donovan was quite lucky. "Mr Donovan, I believe you are aware that the time for a merge is likely fast approaching."
"I am aware of no such thing," Donovan replied coldly, not even looking at her "and if you are here to offer me more useless warnings that I will surely be eliminated by that time I'm not interested in hearing about it."
"No actually, I'm rather certain that Chris believes your actions are great for ratings and will be sure to pull all stops to make sure you remain in this game. I have no doubt you'll make it to merge, I am here to discuss what you will do after such event."
"If you are here to request that I spare you my attentions you are also wasting your time, all who remain on this island will become stronger, whether they wish it or not."
"No I just thought that I should point out that there are people on my team who would find your attempts to strengthen them far more useful than I would. Surely you see this, Stacey with her delusions of power, Chance's obsession with gambling and taking risks, Sandra's arrogance about her intelligence and Marshall's pacifism. Don't you think those faults ought to be addressed before you waste your time searching for my weaknesses?"
"You are a schemer," Donovan finally looked up and met her gaze, "but I see your point, there is much weakness to be destroyed among your teammates before I need to deal with you. Leave now, I have no further reason to speak with you." Despite his rather abrupt dismissal of her, Cynthia was pleased enough with how the 'conversation' had gone and nodded politely to Donovan casually returning to join her teammates.
"Ok am I missing something major here? I mean Donovan didn't start screaming and throwing furniture at you the moment your spoke to him. What the hell were you talking about?" demanded Chance.
"Nothing of any great importance, not unless you happen to be weatherman anyway," Cynthia told him calmly, "all I did was discuss the weather, all those nasty clouds you know? Then he got bored and told me to leave in a rather blunt fashion, no death threats or anything of that sort though. I knew I could have a civil discussion with him, you two are such pessimists."
"Yeah well I can make a weather forecast as well," said Sandra, "today there will be a great deal of pain inflicted by Chris Mclean. You'd be well advised to bring the heaviest umbrella you own along so you can knock yourself unconscious if all the horror becomes too much for you. Sandra from Wawanakwa Weather Watch signing out!"
"Does your weather forecast run on radio or television?" the way Chance was asking indicated that another joke was inbound.
"Does it really matter Chance? No point questioning such pointless details like that."
"Well I just wanted to say that your face is more suited to radio, that's all."
"Chance! I've had just about enough of your little jokes this morning, do you know what psychology says about people who make too many jokes? Do you?"
"Nothing because psychology is a branch of study and therefore incapable of speech?" guessed Chance, a broad grin on his face.
"I hate you, I really do."
"Thanks, that's really kind of you."
Confessional
Cynthia: When Donovan doesn't know your weakness he goes looking for it, I just thought I'd save him the bother. Why investigate me when the others all have perfectly good weaknesses for him to try and fix? I actually have no idea whether he'll make it to the merge or not but if he does that hopefully will buy me some time to figure out another way to get rid of him before he goes after me. It's not like I was selling my teammates out right? All the stuff I mentioned was pretty obvious anyway.
Donovan: When confronted by a destructive force there are three kinds of people. Those who stand defiantly against it, like the red-haired assassin. Those who flee for the hills like the paranoid one and those who try to align themselves with it as the wealthy one just attempted. Such efforts are foolish, I need no allies, even if she intended genuine help which I sincerely doubt, no outsider could fully comprehend my mission. I would prefer open hatred or fear to false friendship.
Sandra: Cynthia and Donovan spoke about the weather? There's something else going on there but I usually restrict myself to investigating scientific problems and whatever silly games the other contestants are playing doesn't fall into that category. Stacey is better suited to that sort of thing, she's probably already on the case, she's been snooping around the island since the last challenge. Something about food poisoning and illegal gambling, that girl really does get ridiculous ideas in her head, if she was an actual cop the crime figures in her precinct would skyrocket with the non-existent crimes she'd be accusing people of.
Stacey: Just want to make a record of my investigation in case something should happen to me. This is more serious than I thought; I believe Donovan is working with Chance, stealing Everett's psychiatric medicine for use in his illegal gambling ring. See, by giving the medicine to someone it isn't prescribed to in high doses will of course impair their reasoning making them more susceptible to illegal gambling and other such money making scams. They may try to poison me next, I must be extremely cautious at all times. Stacey out.
The Dock of Shame
Continuing their usual trend of not doing any hard work if they could possibly avoid it, Chris Mclean and Chef Hatchet were sitting on the edge of the Dock of Shame, apparently fishing for some reason. As the weather was rubbish lately Chris had set up a huge sunlamp over his head in exchange for the actual sun but was looking rather irritated with the substitution. "Stupid weather forecasters, why'd they make the sky so cloudy and miserable with their pessimistic predictions," complained Chris, not realising how ridiculous that sounded. "I have to use a sun lamp to keep up my healthy tan now; if the electricity costs of running this thing prevent me from buying more hair gel there's going to be trouble."
"They don't make bad weather happen just by saying it will Mclean," Chef told him, not looking up from the magazine he was reading while fishing. "They look at those goofy multi-coloured charts they have and just predict what will happen. Just like those hokey horoscopes they put in these magazines."
"You've got horoscopes over there!" asked Chris excitedly, "quick, read mine out."
"Let's see, today some old friends will hear your call and return to offer you assistance in a dangerous matter." At that moment the fishing rods wrenched violently forwards as has the huge slabs of raw meat that were being used as bait started getting mauled. "Well that'll be them now; maybe these horoscopes aren't so hokey after all."
"Yes! Now that the psychotic man-eating sharks have returned to these waters it's the perfect time to commence the challenge," said Chris, "about time they came back, must have finally gotten bored for circling around those interns I stranded at sea. Chef fetch some more of that mutant gopher meat to bring more of the sharks over, Chef, are you listening?"
"Hold on Mclean, I'm trying to read my horoscope here," muttered Chef before reading aloud, "Enlightenment is often painful… The hell does that mean!?" Chef moved to throw the magazine into the water but his careless motion brought his hand into contact with the heat lamp. "Yowch! Mclean that damn lamp of yours just burnt my hand!" he angrily kicked the lamp into the water as well, only for an opportunistic shark to try and eat that as well.
"Dude, who cares, just get the gopher meat already, I'm going to call those lazy campers and tell them that break time is over!" Chris laughed sadistically and began speaking into his microphone, his voice broadcasting all over the island. "Gooood morning campers and isn't it just a lovely day! Now, I was just thinking the other day, what kind of island resort would Camp Wawanakwa be if you guys never got to go scuba diving? So all of you report to the Dock of Shame to take part in a totally risk free scuba diving adventure challenge," Chris took a pause to snigger as the waters around the dock swarmed with psychotic sharks, "Yep, I'm a giver, see you all at the dock for a safe and relaxing challenge!" Announcement over, Chris casually hurled his microphone away and turned to look at the camera. "What they don't know is that the challenge is only going to be safe and relaxing for me, here on land. Those idiots are going to be diving around sunken shipwrecks in shark infested waters using substandard equipment, isn't this show just a blast?"
Confessional
Chance: Oh yeah, a safe and relaxing challenge, that's really likely, Chris, really likely. The last challenge we did was supposed to be safe as well and that ended up with us getting attacked by mutant flies and losing a motor home down a cliff. Luckily Chris didn't want those after all; I'm assuming they were more knock-off items he brought off those pirates. Speaking of which, I'm really surprised we haven't been given a challenge involving getting rid of the pirates or at least getting back all the money Chris has given them. Perhaps Chris is keeping them around in case Larry attacks Camp Wawanakwa with ANOTHER robot army. I can't believe they just let him escape; Stacey's always vague on what exactly happened. Well, unless you believe that nonsense story that she fought Sasquatchanakwa.
The Dock of Shame
Before the campers could show up at the Dock of Shame, not that any of them were in a hurry anyway, Chef and interns had to pull off a rush job getting the rest of the challenge. Chris wasn't big on giving his staff a decent amount of warning before expecting them to cobble together props so it was little wonder most of the challenges were death traps. Now that a sufficient swarm of sharks had been attracted, two motor boats had been moored at the end of the dock, each one painted with a team colour. Some distance out to sea, the floating platform that had once occupied lake was anchored on the water. Rather than the usual deck chair smirking host combo you'd usually find on the platform, today there was a hodgepodge pile of most likely stolen and definitely second-hand diving equipment, wet suits, oxygen tanks, weights and all that. Aforementioned smirking host was currently situated on the shore near the start of the dock, declining to stand anywhere near the water for a reason that would soon become all too clear to the arriving contestants.
It was Wolf's sharp eyes that picked out the problem, namely the seething mass of jagged triangular fins out in the water, and she gave off a long mournful howl. "I knew it!" exclaimed Chance, bizarrely proved to have his pessimistic predictions of a dangerous challenge confirmed, "Swimming with psychotic man-eating sharks? It's a step down from hunting sea monsters but still nice and lethal."
"Hey, they could be friendly dolphins with malformed fins," suggested Chris, "you never know."
"This is Total Drama and you're Chris Mclean," said Heidi, "Of course they can't be friendly dolphins!"
"That's just what someone without a soul would say," muttered Chris, "typical redhead."
"No soul!?" shouted Everett, "Are you kidding me, souls don't even come into the equation Mclean, she's obviously an elemental spirit of fire."
"Um, am I supposed to be offended by what Everett said or what?" asked Heidi, "I can't really tell what he's on about."
"Day we arrived on the island," Lauren told her helpfully, "when Everett saw you he claimed you were a fire spirit because he appears to have the delusion that people with red hair must actually be made of fire."
"If he still believes nonsense like that his medication is clearly failing," said Donovan, "you will see that I did him no disservice by stealing the useless things."
"Patience is a virtue," intoned Matthew, startling everyone just by not screaming out the word hate like he usually did. "Over the last few days I have learnt that it pointless and vexing to the soul to rage at things you cannot change. It may take months or even, but through medication and cognitive therapy Everett will gradually master his delusions until they no longer control his life." Everyone, including the usually oblivious Wolf was staring at Matthew like he'd just grown a second head or something equally awe inspiring.
"When I heard Alice was giving one her kooky books to Matthew I didn't realise it was some sort of loony brainwashing manual," complained Sandra, "she doing this to spite me, allowing her personality to be passed on through those cursed books!"
"Brainwashing is illegal," Stacey added helpfully, "I've give her a caution next time I see her."
"Not to mention it's rather rude," pointed out Cynthia, "stripping a person of free will like that is just bad form if you ask me."
"You know what else is rather rude!?" snapped Chris, "ignoring the host of this show and his collection of the man-eating sharks!? Can I introduce the challenge now?"
"I don't know, can you?" asked Marshall, "why don't we hold a vote on whether Chris Mclean can start speaking or not?"
"Shut it! I hate you people! Now as I told you earlier, today you will all be scuba diving into the ocean depths with the aim of locating hidden treasure. You may recall that Maria's boat sunk a short distance from the Dock of Shame upon her arrival to the island. Well not only have we dragged that wreck further out to sea, but we've also scuttled the other fifteen boats in the same area and hidden a great treasure somewhere amongst the underwater graveyard. All of you will sail out to the floating platform where you will the diving gear allowing you to 'safely' descend to the sunken ships below. The first person to evade the sharks, locate the treasure and return to me will win immunity for their team. Sixteen boats, eleven competitors and one secret treasure! What could be better than that!?"
"I could list them for you but then this episode would run horribly overtime and you'd have to split it into about fifteen parts JUST to contain me listing things better than you just said," Marshall told him. "So no, I won't answer, even though I technically just did answer your question by telling you that it would take far too much time for me the actually fully answer your question to the extent of my ability."
"Dude! Shut the hell up, are you channelling Maria or something? That girl was annoying enough with you wisecracking over there. Now, before I start this challenge, do any of you have a SENSIBLE question? Like asking me for my autograph so you can die fulfilled?"
"Yes, you see I'm rather of the opinion that you have rigged this game in a fashion even more blatantly unfair than usual," started Cynthia, "It seems likely that you will rig this challenge so that Killer Critics must win in order to protect Donovan from being eliminated. That being said, is there really any point in our team even bothering to compete?"
"The hell is wrong with you people!?" demanded Chris, "I didn't say I was going to make the Killer Critic's win, just that if I determine that they threw the challenge that I'd eliminate any team member responsible!"
"Yep, looks like we'll have to lose accidentally if we want to get rid of Donovan," said Heidi glumly, "Chris is having one of those days were he pretends that this show has any rules. He'll forget about it by the next challenge."
"Oh there'll be plenty of accidents out there!" Chris snickered, "alright the challenge starts now, you may proceed to the floating platform and figure out how to recover the treasure without all of you dying a long slow and painful death! Or don't figure it out; the ratings will be good either way." Nobody moved towards the boats and Chris groaned and slapped his forehead. "Sorry, I forgot that the challenge has to be started dramatically before any of you will react," he pulled out a megaphone and shouted the rest of his sentence into it, "THE CHALLENGE STARTS NOW!" As one the campers surged forwards, dividing into their separate boats and motoring across the shark infested waters to reach the floating platform. Of course, for the sake of team rivalry and so secret plans could be made, the two teams arranged themselves at opposite ends of the platform. That was the easy part of the challenge…
Floating Platform out on the Sea
"Ok now remember there are sixteen boats down there," Chance was starting his planning already, "and we're going to assume that the treasure we are looking for is in fact on one of the sunken wrecks because randomly searching the seabed will only lead to madness."
"So in other Chris has definitely hidden the treasure under some random rock and the boats are all there for decoration," said Marshall, "its Chris Mclean we're talking about, we can't assume anything!"
"That is a dangerous thought process to follow," Cynthia advised him, "for if we are going to attribute such underhanded tactics to Chris Mclean we should also account for the fact that treasure might not be underwater. We could spend hours diving only to give up and find the treasure just sitting on the beach or something."
"Chris can't do that," Stacey assured them, "he said we were having a scuba-diving challenge and if the challenge can be completed without so much as getting your toes wet that counts as False Advertising and that's terribly illegal you."
"Oh yeah because he totally cares about False Advertising charges when he's trying to feed up to psychotic sharks!" snapped Chance, "be logical here, a lone diver will have one in sixteen chance of choosing the correct_"
"Ok sorry but I really have to interrupt right now," Sandra cut in, "I can't believe that all of you missed the obvious solution to the puzzle. Chris flat out told us which boat the treasure is located on in his opening speech!"
"Is this the part where you give us a long lecture on just how intelligent you are and how horribly stupid everyone else is?" asked Marshall, "Because we're kinda in a hurry here, you know, elimination challenge and all that."
"Fine, I'll keep it short then," said Sandra, "when Chris was listing the constants of this particular experiment he was actually giving us a simple equation. Of course there are several different answers to this equation and even upon the elimination all of answers above sixteen we would have been forced to search multiple boats instead of one obvious answer. Thankfully, because I'm capable of applying some rather simple logic to the problem there is only one possible_"
"I thought this was the short version," interrupted Chance, getting revenge against Sandra for cutting him off earlier.
"That is the short version! It's not my fault you lot have no patience or appreciation of my brilliance. Alright, it's like this, sixteen boats minus eleven competitors gives you five and you add the one treasure to that to get the number six. How do I know that's the number I we're supposed to get? Because this the sixth challenge we've been in as teams which can't be a coincidence. Therefore the treasure is located on the boat of the competitor who was the sixth person to arrive on the island."
"So in other words you're just taking a random guess? Well that was a waste of time, I thought you were actually being logical for a minute," complained Stacey, "Did you know that it's a crime to waste police time?"
"As if, my reasoning was totally based on logical facts," protested Sandra, "it's not like I just said 'green, yellow, purple and therefore aliens did it!' Everything I said was grounded in reality."
"Just because you were talking about things that exist in the real world doesn't automatically make your statement true," pointed out Marshall, "besides, we don't even know which of us arrived sixth so it's all pointless."
"Objection!" shouted Sandra, "you don't know who arrived sixth but I was the fourth person on the island and my memory is flawless. It was Heidi and even if her yacht is currently a sunken wreck, I'm willing to bet that it's still shining like a beacon down there!"
"I think for the sake of ending this argument, perhaps we should just agree to make a point of checking any boat down there that 'shines like a beacon'. Surely we'll be sending multiple divers down so if Sandra is wrong we won't be overly inconvenienced," suggested Cynthia, "it can't hurt to test her theory."
"No the sharks will be the ones hurting us," muttered Chance before he remembered that they really ought to be doing something about getting ready to dive, "oh crap let's grab some equipment before the Killer Critics go mad and eat all of it or something!" He dashed off to the pile of diving gear at the centre of the platform and started frantically throwing pieces of equipment back to his teammates. Well, to his teammates was phrasing it generously, at his teammates would describe it more appropriately and Marshall was currently jumping about trying to catch the flying equipment before it had a chance to crack anyone over the head.
"Oh don't worry about the sharks," said Sandra, smirking maliciously even as a scuba mask whizzed past, narrowly missing her face. She looked pointedly over at one of the many oxygen tanks Chris had provided them. "You guys gear up, I think I can whip something up to distract our aquatic friends."
Back over at the equipment pile Chance had managed to locate a wetsuit that someone seemed to have splashed red paint, he was hoping it was only red paint, over at some point and selected that one as his own since red was undeniably a lucky colour and made things go faster. "Perfect," he muttered happily, "this ought to shake the odds a little more in my favour, a little bit of extra luck."
Meanwhile on the other side of the platform, despite having remembered to collect their diving equipment well before the Screaming Fans had remembered to, the Killer Critics still hadn't got much of plan up and running. In fact, certain members of the team seemed to be having an inordinate amount of trouble just with the concept of putting on their scuba gear. Wolf was more interested playing with the equipment rather than actually wearing it and was busy rolling an oxygen tank up and down the floating platform while she had somehow wound the connecting tube for her mask into a colour bracelet around her wrist. Everett on the other hand hadn't defaced his mask like Wolf had, no; he was just flat out refusing to wear it on the grounds that he'd have to remove his sunglasses to do so.
"You can't go diving wearing sunglasses," insisted Heidi, "they won't fully protect your eyes from the ravages of the salt water and you'll be blind down there! How are you supposed to find anything like that? You just don't do things like that."
"Well I don't care," said Everett stubbornly, "either I go diving with my sunglasses on or I don't go diving at all." Lauren was uncomfortably aware that the topic of the conversation was seemingly stuck on Everett's fixation with his sunglasses and shot a glance over at Donovan to see if he had noticed. The hulking boy's face was impassive as always but there seemed to be a calculating look in his eyes, indicating that the problem with Everett's sunglasses had indeed caught his attention and that was a bad sign for everyone involved.
"It's ok, we need some people to stay above the surface anyway," Lauren blurted out quickly, in order to change the topic. Unfortunately that was as far as her plans went and she fell silent as Donovan shifted his gaze over to her.
"The treasure is down there, for what purpose would we deplete the size of our search party by keeping team members on the surface?" he asked.
"Well that's obvious isn't it?" interrupted Matthew, much to Laruen's relief, "we need some in the motorboat creating a distraction to try and draw at least some of the sharks away from the search area."
"Exactly!" agreed Lauren enthusiastically, like that had been her idea all along, "all those safety warnings tell you not to splash or make excessive noise so Everett can easily sail a short distance away and make a racket without having to worry about his sunglasses at all. Wolf can with him since I don't think she'll be able to figure how to dive properly anyway." They all looked over at Wolf who had somehow managed to get a wetsuit stuck over her head and was thrashing around trying to get free. "Is that fine with you Everett?" she asked, as though someone could possibly not be fine with the idea of avoiding having to descend into shark infested waters.
"Yeah that plan sounds brilliant," announced Everett, "I've never heard anything better, Wolf and I will have those sharks as confused as a fly in a tumble drier. Besides, I'll bet I'm rubbish at diving anyway."
"At least you're not a bully," said Heidi, glaring pointedly at Donovan, "unlike some people. Are you going to apologise to Lauren for wrecking her art supplies or what? And don't deny that you did because you've still got paint on you."
"I have no intention of apologising to that foolish artist. I have ensured that she will waste no more time mucking around with paint and amateurish drawings."
"Ha! Logical Failure Donovan!" crowed Matthew, "if she was spending so much time on her drawings how could they be amateurish. Failure."
"The only failure here is your attempt to communicate in an intelligible manner," sneered Donovan, "I have no understanding as to what you're talking about."
"Are you saying I'm stupid!?" demanded Matthew, "because I'll_!" he suddenly seemed to realise that he was supposed to be a calm and peaceful person now and abruptly changed what he was going to say. "_Be very offended by your negative behaviour and hope that you are only having a bad day rather than being vindictive for no reason."
"Whoa, that book Alice lent you must have been good," observed Heidi, "you didn't even try to beat Donovan with baseball bat that time."
"Thanks, but I still kind of want to."
"I wouldn't worry about it; everyone has wanted to beat Donovan with a baseball bat at one point or another."
"Your loud plots to kill me are rather boring," said Donovan, "I will prepare myself to dive, the rest of you can feel free to remain up here spouting nonsense."
"I suppose he does have a point," said Lauren with a sigh, "we do have a challenge to complete, though I do wonder what Chris would do if we all just sat here and didn't bother with his silly challenge."
"You probably don't want to know," Heidi warned her, "it'd be something sadistic. I better tell Wolf what's going on." Heidi walked over to Wolf and pulled her head free of the tangled wetsuit she was trapped in. "Hey Wolfy, you're going on a boat ride with your good friend Everett to beat the water with sticks and stuff, does that sound fun?" Wolf barked affirmatively and bounded back to her feet and trotted over to join Everett, looking at the paranoid boy expectantly.
"Alright, before we go anywhere I'm going to establish some ground rules. I do not have any origami on me, nor am I planning to make any so don't go on some crazy hunt for something that doesn't exist. Only I'm allowed to do that. Don't try to bite any sharks that come near the boat because their teeth are bigger than yours and DON'T sink the boat. The waters are infested with sharks ok? Did you get all that?" Wolf nodded sharply and gave a happy bark which Everett decided would do for an answer. "That's good, right I'll be General Nuisance and you can be Major Pain. Commence Operation DistractoShark!"
Operation DistractoShark
Little did Everett know, but when he and Wolf set out on their motorboat, armed only with the emergency oars Chris provided in case the engines had failed, they weren't the only with a plan in mind to distract the swarm of sharks. Sandra had started up yet another of her 'sane' scientist schemes and cobbled together a diabolical device of destruction using any spare oxygen tanks she could get her hands on. This weapon was then mounted on a raft of several life vests and then equipped with a long fuse. Her teammates watched all this without question until she reached the last step and produced a lighter from one of the pockets of her lab coat.
"I didn't know you were a smoker," commented Chance, "I didn't really think you were the sort."
"I think it's rather obvious what she's planning to do and it doesn't have anything to do with cigarettes," replied Marshall, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah I know, but can you blame me for hoping she was just going to smoke instead trying to blow the whole island apart with her explosives from hell!?"
"As if the blast will reach the island," scoffed Sandra, "I'm just going to disturb the water and make one hell of a racket. That'll give the sharks something to think about. Other than trying to rip us apart that is."
"I think whether the blast reaches the island is rather less of a concern to me as to whether it will reach this platform," pointed out Cynthia, "I'd rather not go out in ball of flame if it's all the same to you."
"Blowing people up is illegal," added Stacey, "so is the unlawful possession or use of explosives for that matter. I really should arrest you but then who will get rid of the sharks before we dive? I mean even the Killer Critics haven't gone in yet so you know these sharks must be dangerous."
"That's what the long fuse and flotation raft is for," explained Sandra slowly, as though she was talking to small children, "Once I light the fuse I'll be able to release all the air contained within the life vests to propel the explosive across the water a safe distance from the platform before it ignites. I wish you people would think before you ask questions with such obvious answers."
"The things you think are obvious differ vastly from what the rest of us would apply that label to," Marshall told her, "but there's really no point arguing with you."
"Exactly, now get ready to dive; this is going to be awesome!" And as her teammates to one of the platform's edges, one not facing the blast zone, Sandra placed her device on the water, lit the fuse and released the air from the vests and sent the whole thing zipping off across the water.
"Alright, this looks like a decent spot to draw the sharks to," announced Everett as he cut the boat's motor, blissfully unaware of the impending explosion. "We need sound and movement to distract the sharks so if I swish one oar around in the water like I'm stirring a giant cauldron you can smash the water with the other oar and presto instant shark distraction." Wolf just stared at him in a slightly incredulous fashion, the kind of look that said 'that's your plan, really?' "Hey give me a break Wolf, It's not like I know anything about sharks, the only water creature I've really spent any time studying is the Loch Ness Monster and don't tell me it isn't real because my uncle saw it one time and even though everyone else reckons he was just drunk_"
Wolf presumably couldn't be bothered listening to Everett's ramblings for any longer because she cut him off with a sudden bark before hefting up the oar he had given her. While Everett was still rattling off his story about the Loch Ness Monster oblivious to the fact Wolf wasn't even pretending to listen any more, the wild girl lifted the oar over her head and brought it down on the surface of the ocean with a mighty smack.
The world ended
Ok that was a bit of exaggeration; maybe it's more accurate to say that for several seconds people thought the world had ended. What actually occurred was the detonation of Sandra's explosive device, unleashing massive fireball surrounded by a wreath of hissing steam as displaced water seethed outwards from the blast site in a great wave. Oh and there was also a deafening boom that put Chris Mclean's early morning megaphone wake up calls to shame but most people were too busy screaming and shouting to take much notice of it. Rather than actually making a conscious decision to dive into the water, campers were just tumbling into the ocean out of shock. Thankfully this didn't prove to be as much as a problem as it could have been because even if Wawanakwa's local sharks were psychotic and man-eating, even they got freaked out by the huge explosion and fled in all directions. One shark even headed in the direction of Everett's boat but Wolf, ignoring Everett's advice, leaned over the side and bared her teeth at the creature, surprisingly scaring it off.
"What in the blazes was that?" demanded Everett, "how did you do that Wolf? I didn't know you were a sorceress as well as werewolf!" Wolf, looking entirely too pleased with herself just smiled broadly at him and Everett was left to dream up a dozen different theories, none which came even close to the truth. Of course that was because science was always the last thing Everett would think of when it came to explaining things, everyone else was certain that Sandra, the 'Sane' Scientist was responsible for that.
The Sunken Ship Graveyard
True to Sandra's word, Heidi's boat was still shining like a beacon under the water when the Screaming Fans descended into the depths to find the Sunken Ship Graveyard. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only boat visible down there, or else the decision of which boat to search would have been a lot easier. Instead, the four Screaming Fans all swum off towards different ship wrecks. Chance to the paddle steamer he'd arrived in, Stacey following the faint strobe of police lights that gave away the location of her boat and Cynthia to luxury cruise ship, because treasure had been found in the Titanic wreck and Chris was sure to make the reference. Marshall was the only one who bothered following Sandra's advice by swimming towards Heidi's shining boat, figuring that even Sandra's shonky logic was probably better than just guessing a random boat. Especially since there was no guarantee of how long the sharks would stay away.
However, even if they couldn't agree on the best place to search, at least the Screaming Fans were searching. The same could not be said of the Killer Critics who as usual were far too distracted to be doing anything remotely useful. It was understandable that Heidi, Lauren and Matthew might try and throw the challenge regardless of Mclean's threats but even Donovan wasn't bothering to search any of the ships. He had somehow managed to arrange himself into a stationary standing position underwater and was just floating there, waiting for something to happen. Obviously he hadn't bothered to share information about whatever he was looking for with his teammates because they all seemed to have other concerns. Lauren was just engaging in some sightseeing, figuring she may as well try to enjoy Chris' demented idea of a scuba diving challenge. One of the most interesting things visible on the seabed happened to be some sort of giant vibrantly coloured mushroom that appeared to be growing out of the deck of a ship. Heidi was currently using said giant mushroom as a reference point for her underwater acrobatics show, the girl was gracefully corkscrewing in gradually widening circles around it. Perhaps the strangest of all, Matthew was floating upside down in a meditative pose with his eyes closed, the boy was capable of taking even meditation to new extremes.
It might have been quite a peaceful challenge if it wasn't for the rapid approach of yet another shark, a huge mechanical one with glowing red eyes in fact. Larry was back up to his old tricks by the looks of it. The eight divers hadn't noticed the fearsome robot just yet, distracted as they were looking for treasure or otherwise occupied, Donovan was looking in the completely wrong direction to be honest. The robotic shark stopped dead in the water, in a fashion a real shark would be incapable of, and proceeded to analyse the available targets. They were all quite anonymous in their wetsuits and initial attempts to match their appearance or team symbol in the database were met with failure. Unfortunately for a certain contestant, the robot was forced to select its target through slightly less reliable methods, namely a splodge of red paint on one diver's wetsuit. Red colour, matches hooded garment worn by Killer Critic Traitor Matthew, target acquired. Activate preliminary procedures. The mechanical shark surged back to life, torpedoing through the deeps.
Stacey had been searching about her 'police' boat without much success for some time now. Her investigation might have proceeded a little faster if she wasn't so obsessed with how bad the boat looked after being scuttled and relegated to the ocean depths, furious that Chris could treat 'police' property in such a fashion. She was busy trying to scrub away caked on layers of aquatic grime when a filthy great robotic shark practically exploded out of nowhere and smashed into the top of her boat, deliberately destroying the weakly pulsing lights up there. Stacey probably would have been screamed if she hadn't been underwater but in the current circumstances she just suffered a minor heart attack and shot back towards the surface in a panic. Marshall caught her rapid ascent in the corner of his eye and whirled around to see the shark was now hurtling in his direction.
Marshall powerfully kicked himself off the deck of Heidi's boat and rose upwards towards the surface, emulating Stacey's panicked flight. But the shark wasn't coming for him, rather it was systematically targeting every source of light down in the Sunken Ship Graveyard, so the new darkness would bring even more terror. It cannoned right into Heidi's boat, violently striking the wreck right off the rocky shelf it was perched on and sending it crashing down to the sea floor. In a stroke of prodigious luck as the boat lurched over the edge, a tightly sealed waterproof brief case spun free from where it was hidden on the wreck and arced upwards through the water. Marshall, dumbfounded by the sheer unlikelihood of such a thing occurring reflexing reached out and grabbed it as it sailed past and just stared at it blankly for several moments before realising that he must be holding the treasure and the key to ending this challenge. It was unlikely that completing the challenge would make Chris do anything to stop the shark but it was definitely worth more a try than floating around down here watching the shark wreck stuff and so Marshall finally struck out for the surface. The Dock of Shame where Chris would presumably be waiting had never seemed further away than right now.
With the two major sources of light down in the Sunken Ship Graveyard dealt with, the next stage in the robotic sharks programming was to attack the earlier identified target. The relative darkness of the ocean depths was little obstacle to the enhanced sensors of the mechanical shark. It rapidly located the splodge of red paint and arrowed towards the sunken old paddle steamer where its target was located. Chance, like his teammates had been, was utterly unaware of the presence of the shark nearby and was left without even a split second to react before the robotic monster struck his back like a cannonball. A sickening surge of pain lanced down Chance's spine as he spun in the water, his legs flailing in sudden agony. In what seemed like an instant the shark had whirled around for another pass at Chance, nearly upon Chance once more, its mouth like a bear trap yawing wide open.
It never reached Chance. Donovan, who had spent the whole challenge waiting for something to happen had observed the shark before any of the others and had finally decided to act. His hesitation had been spawned by confusion; a robotic shark attack obviously hadn't been the event he had been expecting but at last he set off after the shark for his own mysterious reasons. And so, while he hadn't stopped it from wrecking two of the sunken ships the hulking boy did appear in time to intercept the shark before it launched a second attack on Chance and latched his hands about the monster's mouth, heaving to slam its mechanical jaws shut with all his strength. It was like a battle between titans, Donovan clinging doggedly to the shark as it thrashed about, trying to throw the boy off. Kicking and striking whenever his precarious grip allowed it, Donovan was landed hits with enough force to dent the shark's metal skin, even as the wetsuit material around his hands tore and blood flowed freely from his knuckles.
Donovan's efforts were enough to drive the shark some distance away from the injured Chance who was still floating limply, his back arched in pain. With the imminent threat out of the way, Cynthia and Matthew, ignoring the fact they were on different teams in this troubled time, seized one of Chance's arms each and struck upwards for the surface. Heidi and Lauren swum over to join them, circling around protectively as they ascended, as if their presence would do anything to stop the shark from coming back after Chance if it ever broke free of Donovan. Thankfully such an event was looking more and more unlikely as the fight wore with Donovan miraculously appearing to gain the upper hand over his mechanical behemoth of an opponent. After minutes of concerted effort, Donovan finally succeeded in punching a hole through the shark's metal armour, allowing seawater to flow through and attack the delicate circuitry and other electronic system within the robotic shell. The shark gave a few more spasmodic twitches before its systems failed and it sunk like a stone, its red eyes going dark. Fight over with; Donovan joined the other contestants in heading for the surface, feeling that the challenge was most likely already over.
Sure enough Marshall had reached the shallow waters just off the beach and was able to stand upright with his arms free of the water. With her head start Stacey was already back on the beach, tearing her mask off and taking deep gulps of air so Marshall hurled the briefcase over to her and without screaming about suitcase bombs or even asking what it was Stacey wearily turned about and completed the chain, throwing the briefcase over the smirking host of the show. Chris caught it deftly and shook it carelessly to ensure its contents remained inside before his grin widened. "Well done!" he announced cheerfully before pulling out his megaphone and shouting into it. "Marshall returns to the surface with the hidden treasure, Screaming Fans win! Would all losers and slight less loserish individuals report back to the beach for the reveal of the treasure? Double-time it would you; standing out here in this miserable weather is such an inconvenience."
The Beach
Well it appeared Chris was going to have to suffer some inconvenience for a fair while longer because the campers didn't exact double-time it back to the beach and even when they did arrived they didn't pay the slightest attention to him. Being far too busy going off to change out of their wetsuits and oh you, dealing with the fact a giant robotic shark had come out of nowhere and tried to kill one of their fellow contestants. Speaking of Chance, the boy was laid out on the sand, taking immense care not to move. A team of interns had been sent off to find a stretcher for him but they hadn't returned yet, probably busy hiding from the some of the rabid wildlife Camp Wawanakwa boasted. Anyway, after far longer than Chris would have wanted, all the remaining contestants were correct and present and, as usual, glaring furiously at the sadistic host. If Chris noticed their hostility he pretended to be oblivious, merely starting his post challenge address in his usual his blunt and obnoxious fashion.
"Thank you! Geez could you clowns take any longer to report back to the beach? If I wasn't so young and handsome my hair would have gone grey waiting for you!" he complained sourly. "I'm wondering if I should even bother showing you pack of ingrates the glorious treasure you were hunting for."
"Forget the stupid treasure!" snapped Stacey, "Chance needs medical attention thanks to that giant shark you set on him! That's attempted murder you know, I'll have you in court for this!"
"Whoa, chill Inspector Gadget, that shark wasn't me. I'm assuming Larry did that, he's still pretty mad for some reason," Chris sniggered, knowing that Larry's behaviour was mostly his fault. "I really should hire the guy to design some challenges for the show. I mean the ones I think up are usually only potentially lethal but that dude has a killer instinct. Wicked job killing that robot by the way Donovan, I can add some special effects and turn that into a separate movie franchise with merchandise and everything!"
"The robot was never alive," said Donovan, "its veins were wires, its blood electricity. Still, thank you, it was a worthy fight."
"I don't care if did you something heroic, you're still going home tonight," insisted Heidi, "stopping that shark doesn't make up for everything else you've done." Donovan just shrugged.
"It wasn't intended to."
"Can we talk about who you intend to eliminate later?" asked Marshall exasperatedly, "Chance needs medical attention so I'd like to get this over with so he can get a back brace or something."
"I'm fine," groaned Chance, making a brief attempt to sit up before a surge of pain rapidly convinced him to abandon the idea.
"Don't be such a baby," Chris told him, "sometimes I feel like you people just aren't committed enough to this show."
"I'm afraid if you don't believe that risking our lives to be here isn't commitment enough then nothing we do will convince you otherwise," Cynthia observed coolly, unimpressed by Chris Mclean's attitude.
"Are you kidding? This for a million dollars and fame," Chris snorted in disgust, "people out there risk their lives for far less than that. Now, for the big reveal, prepare to be amazed!" With far more flourish than could possibly be necessary in this situation, Chris popped the briefcase open and drew out… A signed photograph of himself.
"What!?" exclaimed Sandra, "that's not a treasure, you have a hundred photos of yourself and you could sign them anytime you want! We risked our life to bring you that!?" Chris looked highly offended by her comment and angrily locked the photo back in the briefcase with a loud snap.
"Well I was going to give the photo to the winning team if you're going to behave like that…"
"We'll pass on that honour thanks," said Marshall hurriedly, "the Killer Critics can have it instead if they want it."
"Oh we'll take it alright," growled Matthew, "so we can light it on fire and mix the ashes with Chef's mystery meat puree! I HATE Chris Mclean!"
"I thought you'd fixed your anger management problem?" asked Lauren curiously.
"Being angry at Chris isn't a problem, it's a solution," he replied grimly.
"Charming, looks like I'll just be keeping this then," Chris told them with false cheer in his voice. "So unless anyone has any more useless information to share, I'll be announcing the results of_"
"Wolf is a sorceress!" declared Everett, pointing accusingly at his wild teammate who just looked at him blankly. "She conjured a mighty fireball out of thin air!"
"Firstly, that was me," said Sandra, "and secondly I only used oxygen for it. Air, no matter how thin it is contains nitrogen and other gases and I didn't have access to those in the tanks I used."
"So you're the sorceress!" said Everett, completely missing the point of what she had just told him. "I should have known that you were only pretending not to believe in magic."
"Yeah, yeah, we can talk about how much you believe in fairies later," interrupted Chris, "important announcement to make here in case you hadn't noticed. As is painfully clear to anyone with even half a brain, The Screaming Fans won that one hands down. I'd say the Killer Critics' couldn't be that bad without deliberately trying but you know what; perhaps you really are useless so I won't eliminate any of you getting. However, since you lost, I'll see you at the bonfire ceremony tonight so you can eliminate one of your teammates instead. You all know how to vote by now. Oh and I'll need to the Screaming Fans to show up to the bonfire ceremony tonight as well. You'll find out why later, see you at the bonfire pit losers!"
Confessional
Heidi: Finally Donovan is out of this game! That freak can rot in the Brig and we can all feel safe to take our medication, eat our breakfast and paint as much as we like without fear! Um, that sounded more inspirational in my head, whatever, Donovan is outta here!"
Wolf: Just sits there grinning proudly, holding up what appears to an origami figure resembling a witch riding a broomstick.
Chance: is seated in an old wheel chair the interns finally brought back for him. Why did Chris have to pick tonight to make all of us come to bonfire pit? All I want to do is get back to the cabin and sleep for a week. Or however long it takes for my spine to stop feeling like it's made of liquid fire. Whatever works.
Donovan: If it is my time to leave the island then so be it but I do not think so. The danger I faced today was not the evil I was expecting. No, that is still coming, and soon. I will not be leaving the island at least until that has been dealt with.
Sandra: I've never particularly liked surprises, especially not when Chris Mclean is involved with them. I just know something bad is going to happen tonight, you can count on that as a scientific prediction. Oh and apparently I'm a sorceress now, never been called that before. Everett is such a weirdo.
The Bonfire Ceremony
"Here are we are tonight at yet another illustrious bonfire ceremony, except this time there is a difference. Both teams are present! Of course, since suspense is great for ratings I won't be getting to the reason the Screaming Fans are here just yet."
"Yeah suspense is great and all but can you hurry this up?" asked Sandra, "the critics get to sit on tree stumps, we've got to stand here watching," she glanced at Chance sitting in his wheelchair, "Chance excluded obviously."
"I think it's this bad weather," observed Chris, "all of you are so miserable lately. If you insist I'll start handing out the envelopes of enraged hate mail to those of you who will survive to fight for your life another day in Camp Wawanakwa. "Lauren, Matthew, even though you pretty much did nothing this challenge, your teammates still didn't kick you off, take your envelopes."
"Hey! I helped Chance get back to the surface," protested Matthew, "what do you mean that I did nothing!?"
"Pfft, that was nothing," said Chris dismissively, not at all interested in people helping each other. "Heidi, despite the fact you spent most of your time doing underwater acrobatics, which WASN'T part of the challenge at all. For some reason, you also receive an envelope of enraged hate mail. Wolf, who doesn't know how to vote and can hardly understand the challenges, also has miraculously received an envelope, well done. And finally, just to prove how rubbish the Killer Critics are taking votes seriously, our local lunatic Everett receives the final envelope. Sorry Donovan, no envelope for you. Report to the Dock of Shame, ride the Boat of Losers and you can NEVER, EVER come back. At least that's what I'd say if I didn't have a secret twist in store tonight!"
"NO!" insisted Heidi, "We've eliminated him fair and square. Just kick him off the island already without rigging the game."
"I'm not rigging the game, I've had this planned for ages," lied Chris, "Donovan has indeed been eliminated… from the Killer Critics that is. The individual eliminated tonight will be joining the other team, welcome Donovan to the team Screaming Fans!"
"Oh hell no!" complained Chance, "I've got a back injury, I don't want that nutter anywhere near my cabin!"
"That won't be a problem," Chris snickered evilly, "because you'll be leaving the island tonight! I've got no use for cripples on this show, Chef, wheel him out of here would you?"
"YES!" cheered Stacey, "Justice has prevailed!" she suddenly noticed that everyone was staring at her, wondering why she would cheer one of her own teammates getting unexpectedly kicked off by Chris. "Oh I mean, sorry Chance, this team won't be the same without you."
"I'll take that as compliment," muttered Chance, "geez, of all the rotten luck I get thrown off tonight?"
"Yep," said Sandra, sounding far too pleased about this, "don't you wish you hadn't made fun of me this morning at breakfast?"
"No, that was the highlight of camping experience," Chance joked weakly. "Ok guys, good luck, hopefully one of you will win. Marshall, make sure Donovan doesn't murder all of you before the next challenge ok?"
"I'll try," agreed Marshall, looking over at Donovan who didn't appear to be in any hurry to join his new team. "No promises though."
"I suspect we'll take care of ourselves alright," Cynthia assured him, "farewell Chance and I do hope you get well soon."
"Thanks, bye everyone!" Chance managed a half-hearted wave as Chef turned up and wheeled him off towards the Dock of Shame. The camera turned back to Chris Mclean in time for his closing monologue.
"Would you look at that, what a totally twisted and unexpected conclusion to the episode! I'm going to have thank Larry for the shark thing, saved me some time thinking up an excuse to keep Donovan on the island while still eliminated one of these irritating kids. How will Donovan get along with his new team? Will the Killer Critics' still be whining about how unfair it is next week? And will this darned weather every just go away without turning into a super storm? Find out the answers to all these questions and more next time on Total Drama OUTRAGE!"