A/N: Hey, here's another one for you guys, on time for a change ;) Thank you for the wonderful reviews, I feel much better when I get them every time ;) I'm sorry if I haven't answered some of them, I had some confusion with my e-mail and couldn't determinate which ones I already answered :( Just so you know – I appreciate ALL of them, you're all great! ^^

This is actually my favorite chapter so far, I'm not really sure why. Let me know what you think ;)

***

GHOSTS OF THE PAST

He stared in the face of a S'hottoss interrogator and wondered half coherently how they feed since they have no mouth. A ridiculous reflection, considering the situation. He tried to form a meaningful thought to explain, to make them stop asking questions that were slicing into his brain like knives, making him numb and disoriented. The interrogator was becoming impatient and Nicholas's fear was washed away with a wave of foreign anger that invaded his mind.

He was freezing. Their temperature tolerance range was much lower than human's and so Nicholas was shivering in the scouting attire he borrowed from one of the soldiers back on Destiny.

Answer.

Die otherwise.

He winced as the interrogator repeated his previous question: When will his spaceship leave their Galaxy? He tried to focus and imagined all the equations he was working on, containing travel length algorithm.

FASTER!

He hated it when the S'hottoss leader was communicating with him. Where the interrogator's mind was calm and well controlled – that's why he was chosen to speak with the fragile human that didn't know how to use his mind properly – the leader's thoughts were like a storm descending upon him. Not only did it hurt, it frightened him to the core, awakened the most primal instincts that he stifled with greatest effort, bowing deeply instead. He learned the hard way what happened when you do not bow when the leader speaks. He thought of his hope, that maybe if they helped, Destiny would be gone sooner…

This only angered the leader. He was about to crush upon his mind with the wild wrath of his thoughts…

A soft feminine voice woke him, making him gasp with relief.

***

TJ spotted him on the Observation Deck, sprawled on a table in the corner as she was coming back from her date with Jake. His hands were serving as a pillow for his head, shaggy hair half covering his face. There were papers scattered around him and a laptop in power-save mode was humming silently in front of Rush's sleeping form.

He was dreaming, a nightmare from what she could see. He was frowning and twitching from time to time. Not resting even in his sleep. She felt sorry for him.

Silently, she came to his side and heard a pathetic whimper coming from his mouth. She laid a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently.

"Hey, wake up," she said but he didn't react. A bit louder, she repeated: "Nicholas, wake up." She wasn't sure why she used his first name. Perhaps she believed that one should be gentle and kind when waking someone from a nightmare, not to bring him into equally unpleasant reality. As a kid, she hated how her sister used to shake her roughly and whine about her squirming or being loud. Not comforting at all.

He bolted upright and sagged momentarily, heaving a sigh. He rubbed his eyes with one hand.

"A nightmare, huh?" TJ asked, not removing her palm from his shoulder.

"I think so," he answers sleepily. She could tell he was not fully conscious yet. "You know I rarely remember my dreams. I must've dozed off while working," he muttered, his accent well pronounced. Then, to her utter surprise he reached to her hand with his free one – the one that was not rubbing at his face – and tentatively took hold of her fingers.

"I'm sorry I woke you, love. Go back to bed, I'll be there is a sec," he said and put the most gentle of kisses on the back of her hand. Tamara stared at him, shocked. She had no idea how to react to that.

"Uh…" she managed to utter and this sound seemed to have an effect on him. His eyes snapped open and his head spun in her direction suddenly. He eyed her for a millisecond and moved away from her hand as if it was burning his flesh.

"Lieutenant Johansen," he uttered, his face going white for a moment and then heat rose to his cheeks. "I… uh…" he stuttered, rising from his chair and distancing himself physically from her, standing at the other end of the table. She kept on staring.

"I'm terribly, terribly sorry for that," he muttered awkwardly. "For a moment there I, uh, mistook you for someone else," pain flashed in his eyes, the grief that she's already seen there and suddenly TJ came to a realization.

He thought it was Gloria.

She was speechless. What did you say to man who mistook you with his dead wife?

"This is beyond embarrassing," he said, frantically gathering his papers. He looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him then and there and maybe this ridiculously childish behavior, completely unnatural for the normally stoic, level-headed scientist, made her react.

"Doctor Rush," she said gently, making a step towards him. "I'm so very, very sorry."

Rush raised his eyes and pierced her with his gaze. For a brief moment, it seemed almost hostile, as if she offended him by saying that but then his whole posture sagged and he looked down, face a picture of sadness and regret. He walked to the middle of the room and slumped to the bench that was placed there. He leaned his elbows on his knees and rubbed at his face again. After a brief moment of hesitation, Tamara sat next to him and looked out to the space unfolding in front of the Destiny. He looked like he needed the presence of another living being right about now, and she was willing to be there.

"Sometimes when I wake up," he said quietly, surprising her completely, "I wonder why she's not in bed. Sometimes I turn around to ask her something but she's not there. And then I remember that she's gone. Back on Earth, I had to sell our house, I kept hearing her bustling about in the kitchen or brushing her teeth in the bathroom. I had to do something, or else I would go insane."

TJ listens silently. She heard him talking about death before but never like that. Previously, he was moralizing, delivering airy lectures or consoling someone in a strange, unnatural way. But here, he was speaking openly about his pain, about things so intimate, she felt she shouldn't be the one hearing them. And yet she did, a sense of pride swelling in her chest. Doctor Rush chose her to confide in.

"That's what got me to go working for the Stargate Command three years ago," he continues. "First, I just wanted to get away and they needed scientists to work in a top secret base away from everything. So I became the Ancients expert for them. They were pleased with my detachment, nothing held me on Earth when I was leaving for Icarus Base. Then, I already knew about so many astonishing, amazing things that it was too easy to drown in work on making things better for human kind… And then my dream came true and I came here, to my Destiny."

TJ heard him refer to Destiny as 'his' before. She wondered, if – before he became stranded on the rocky planet – he ever wanted to go back to Earth, even if they made it back. This ship, after all, was his dream – his life.

"What brought you to Icarus Base?" Rush asked suddenly, surprising her again. This was probably the first question about her life he asked since she known him.

"Actually, I followed Colonel Young," she answered, deciding that since he wants to talk, she might as well go along with it. That was only fair. "We… have a past together," she said uncomfortably. She never talked to anyone about their affair.

"Yes, that was kind of obvious at one point," he said but without sarcasm. "He is a married man, as I recall," he added cautiously, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah," she answered and she couldn't stop some bitterness from entering her voice. "He decided that he wants to stay that way, too."

Rush looked at her with serious eyes.

"A difficult situation to be in at such young age," he remarks.

"Yeah, well, shit happens," TJ answered and he nodded his head, He's not pushing, not asking anymore but she felt like he opened some dark door inside her soul and suddenly she finds herself pouring her regrets and anger out in front of him.

"I just can't understand one thing. Did he even for a moment think about how I felt with all that? Did he think that if he comes to me one day and says: 'I decided to save my marriage, sorry for that' everything will be ok? He wasn't the one crying his eyes out after a jerk that throws love away like garbage when it becomes inconvenient. He just smiles politely and acts like there was nothing between us. I thought that men become wiser with age. Bullshit! They just become stupid old jerks! That's what he is, a stupid old jerk, the fucker!"

She stopped herself as she heard a quiet chuckle next to herself. She looked at Rush with confusion. "What?" she asked, not comprehending his sudden merriment.

"You do realize that I'm two years older than Young, don't you?" he asked, a small smile gracing his lips. "I can understand you calling men stupid but I don't actually feel very old."

TJ felt embarrassed and she muttered a nervous 'sorry' but he continued to smile at her and she relaxed. He looked much better when he's not frowning and she felt content that she was the one to make him feel comfortable enough not to do that.

"I'm really happy that you won't be using the chair anymore," she said suddenly, not sure why. Maybe because she really did. Now, here, Tamara felt good just talking to him. And somewhere deep inside, she felt that if they got home without him, it wouldn't be a full success.

Rush's face softened, he gazed at her with something she couldn't name – perhaps gratitude, or maybe this was simply the way he was looking at people when they were kind to him – she wouldn't really know.

"Yes," he said noncommittally. There was a tiny note of regret in his voice and Tamara knew that he wasn't all that happy with that.

The scientist in him was mourning the loss. Yes, they had full access to everything, every system, every database of the ship. But how could he explain to this girl what it felt like when Ancient knowledge, the legacy of one of the greatest races in history, was surging through his mind? All the suffering, the pain that became his constant companion, the nausea and consciousness losses – it was all more than worth it. He would gladly give his life away for the opportunity of experience that incredible feeling that all this was his to use. Unfortunately, Young demonstrated unusual foresight and sealed off the Chair Room, stating that coming near the wretched device was no longer necessary and, effective immediately, strictly forbidden. Just to ensure safety, he posted a guard in front of the door. Rush was cursing the Colonel ever since.

TJ and Rush sat in comfortable silence. The evening – night actually – was peaceful and they enjoyed sharing the quiet moment together. They would probably be sitting like that far longer, if it wasn't for both their radios resound with Colonel Young's voice.

"Rush, where are you?" he asked. The Doctor sighed and reached for the device.

"What is it?" he asked instead of answering the question. He was back to his usual, detached self, maybe sounding a bit irritated.

"Brody found something, I think you need to see this."

Rush and TJ looked at each other and he stood up – with some effort, she noticed.

"I'm on my way," he said to the radio and gathered his belongings from the table. He then turned to look at TJ and smiled gently.

"Thank you for a pleasant talk, Tamara." And with that he was off, leaving her behind. She followed him with her gaze and said quietly:

"You too, Nicholas."