(10) Forbidden Touch

The next morning, we returned to the common room to get fresh school robes. I followed Sirius into the Portrait only to catch sight of Lily sitting at a table reading. Fortunately, the unlit dim hall from Portrait to the room was a bit long & had not one but two escapes. One was behind a tapestry into a tiny room that had a few portraits & a small table. The other led into a larger reading room & for those not in the know, a secret passage behind another portrait into yet another room, larger than the reading room. *

I ducked into that reading room but stayed by the door. I heard Lily asking where he & I had been.

Sirius just laughed. "We never even made it to the common room. We both got rather trashed out on the grounds."

"You slept outside?" Lily was horrified.

"No we were in the castle by then," Sirius went on. "Somewhere. Don't rightly know. Well I'm here now aren't I?"

"Where's James?"

"Probably heading for breakfast," Sirius said before snapping at her. (Those two love each other about as much as Snivelus & I do.) "What do you care anyway? You've been nothing but a hag to him for the past five some odd years!"

"Oh no, you did NOT just call my mother a hag!" Harry nearly flung the Passion Year away but reminded himself this was his father's memoirs, not Black's.

"He's nicer than you are," Lily shot back. "You're nothing but an arsemaster!"

"GO MUM!"

"I'll take that as a compliment!" Sirius seethed.

"Sleeping around with anyone," Lily went on. "How you can take advantage of so many innocent girls like that & they just throw themselves at you like daft slags!"

"Jealous?" Sirius laughed while I rolled my eyes. Lily did have a point after all.

"Jealous?" Lily shrieked. "JEALOUS! Not if you were the last toe rag on earth!"

"Feeling's mutual!"

"Good, I'd rather be a lesbian!"

Harry laughed so hard, he fell out of bed.

"Good! I'd rather be gay!"

"Well don't get your 'wand' in a knot! Or is it even big enough to tie up?"

"Oh wow!"

"OH! What does Jim SEE in you?!"

I heard him stomp off. Great, now I'm stuck in here, waiting for her to get bored & leave. After several minutes, I heard more stomping & peeked out a crack in the door to see Lily in a huff & a puff marching down the hall & out the Portrait. If there was one thing I had learned the hard way in my life, was never to cross Lily Evans when she's in a mood. She's scarier than an angry werewolf on full moons! So I naturally stayed hidden until I was sure she was gone. No chance in hell would I come out now with her there even if I wasn't messed up! HELL NO!

I took my time to go upstairs & find Sirius seething on his bed. He needed a time out to calm down & something Lily said about him made me think about him in a very different way. I lay down beside him, staring at the ceiling, while twirling my left armguard in my hands.

"I used to think she was the prettiest thing I've ever seen," I said. "Also, I used to like her fiery temper. She never takes any nonsense. But now ...now I can't even look at her without being reminded of everything I lost. My plans for us. I wanted my first time to be with her. It's all ruined now."

"Technically speaking, it still can be," Sirius raised himself on one hand to look down at me. "Even if we go all the way, you'll still get a first time with her. You've never been with girls before, unlike me. She can still be your first girl. Why you want her though, I can never understand."

"I guess so," I tossed my armguard aside. "It doesn't matter anymore."

He put one arm around me & we dozed off. In silent agreement, we skipped breakfast. I wasn't all that hungry & anyway, Lily was there, looking for me. Last year, I would have nearly killed to have her looking for me or even to give me the time of day. Now I wish she would go back to hating me.

We got up, got dressed & headed for our first class of the day. I was still a bit sore from Quidditch & was glad that we had no more practices for a couple of weeks.

In mid-November, our Auror training intensified from written & theological lessons, to practical defense. Our Defense Against The Dark Arts lessons were different from the rest of school. We were often in the Great Hall with the doors barred, instead of the regular classroom. We even had Ministry officials over-seeing some of our training & any tests done were put up by them, not Hogwarts' staff. It was so much work, more so than I expected. In spite of the extra work, Sirius passed his apparation exam with flying colors.

Remus & Peter were no longer with us. Being a werewolf, Remus wasn't allowed an Auror's license; though, hopefully someday Dumbledore could change that as Remus's biggest fantasy was to be an Auror. Dumbledore had bent the Ministry's hand against werewolves & brought Remus into Hogwarts as a young pup. Remus is the first & so far only, werewolf to get any education & so far, it looks like he would get full education. Auror would be the next step. He'll be late, but thanks to Dumbledore, hopefully he'll be standing with us some day.

As for Peter, I'm not sure what he's up to anymore. I heard him mention once that he wanted to be a Healer but as he was dismal at Potions, it wasn't likely. I hate this. The four of us used to be close. The brotherhood of the Marauders seemed to be on a back burner. We would barely get together outside of full moons.

I'm starting to miss Peter. If there was one thing he was good at, it was kicking my arse at Exploding Snap. Oh man, that guy's a hussler!

I'm missing our werewolf so much. A month between full moons seemed an eternity for me. I know that seems cruel. His body breaking apart twice a night is something Remus can barely survive. I know the pain he goes through. My heart rips out every time for him. But right now, it seems full moons is the only time I can have any time with Moony & so I don't complain when he's gnawing my horns.

Lily on the other hand, was also an Auror in training & contrary to what people thought my dreams coming true would be, I was rather annoyed at being paired up with her more often then not. She was a good trainee. That wasn't my problem. I simply couldn't look at her without hurting inside but since she had no idea, she didn't take things easy on me. I ended up in the hospital wing twice thanks to her. Sirius would glower at her but honestly, it wasn't her fault. She simply did not know.

Two other friends had also signed up to be Aurors. Alice Jay & her fiancée, Frank Longbottom—

Harry stared at the name. Neville's parents? BOTH Aurors? Neville had never once mentioned his parents. Only his grandmother.

—both of Gryffindor House. They had become engaged earlier this year & were planning to marry during the summer before 7th Year started. Young I know, but those two had clicked from the start, unlike Lily & I. Why can't we get our crushes for each other on at the same time?

The next Quidditch game was soon upon us, this one between Hufflepuff & Ravenclaw. A rare non-full moon time, the four of us were actually together for once, sitting along one bench in the high stands with the best viewing points. I was between Sirius & Remus, with Peter on the other side of Remus. The four of us were soon on our feet with the rest of the spectators, screaming out orders as if it would help. Go left. LEFT YOU BLOODY SOD! No! Your OTHER left! Merlin dammit! I swear Gryffindor is the best team. We wouldn't be making these daft mistakes!

We sat down as one during a lull & adjusted our cloaks better. There was a good foot of snow all around & a cold wind was blowing under a sky full of more snow waiting to happen. As the game went on, flakes began to fall, slowly at first but it soon turned into a bit of a blizzard. Occasionally we could see players zipping by. After shouting more orders at a Ravenclaw Beater (aka curses in both types of French as well as English), Sirius plopped down beside me. He shifted our cloaks so the edges overlapped & I felt him take my hand underneath our cloaks.

He was holding my hand! We haven't done anything to each other since he had given me a massage nearly a month ago. Gritting my teeth, I closed my eyes, feeling my heart race. I hoped I wasn't blushing! I thought again of what Lily had said & wondered if I could ever figure it out. I knew then, that I had to or else I would be forever damaged. But I had no idea how to proceed. Sirius suddenly squeezed my hand so hard it hurt. Opening my eyes, I saw the Snitch barely an inch from my nose. A shadow swooped past, making the four of us scream, she was that close!

Hufflepuff won that round while the four of us probably had ten years shaved off our lives for that scare. We climbed down the stands to the grounds as the Teams landed in a frenzy before dispersing to the two changing rooms.

I felt a tugging at my cloak & for one moment, I panicked. What if someone was trying to touch me? I whirled around, wand out, only to have it pointing in Remus's face. He gasped in surprise & stepped back. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you!"

I glared at him. He had no permission to touch me! Oh my God! Where did that one come from? I hated myself for thinking that! It was all Orion's fault. Now I'm turning against my friends because of him? Remus would be the LAST person in the universe to do something like that to me, even if he wasn't a wolf! Feeling horrified at how I had thought of him like that even for a fleeting moment, I put my wand away. Oh well, at least he wasn't telepathic. "Sorry, mind's somewhere else." I awkwardly hugged him then, hoping to find some silent forgiveness. How dare I think of Moony like that? Of all people?

"Yeah," He patted my back & I was amazed that it didn't hurt. Was I finally healing? "I can see that." We pulled apart. "Prongs, can I talk to you for a moment?" He nodded towards a spot under the grandstands out of sight. I followed him. Remus leaned up against a support & folded his arms. "Lily & I are on patrol again tonight." I blinked. In all this time, I had totally forgotten that Lily & Remus were Prefects. "She's been asking me about you."

I was still stuck on the fact that he had patrol duties & took a moment to catch up. "Oh, about what?"

"She's been wondering how you're doing," Remus explained. "She's glad you're not so mean to her anymore."

"So I dipped her hair in inkbottles. So big deal."

"Wait. WHAT? DAD you tosser!" Harry found himself smirking though.

"You've done a lot more to her than that," Remus pointed out. I scowled. "Anyway, she's wondering if anything's wrong. She feels like you're avoiding her. I told her that's trezempossible (What? I said it before, I can't spell French to save my life. This guy's from France! Shoot me! Wait, I do think those are two separate words.) Trez impossible. But now that I'm thinking of it, I'm starting to agree with her."

I shrugged. "So?"

Remus stared long & hard at me. His eyes swirled gold for a moment, appraising me. "Oh my 'deer' sweet Stag! What happened to you? I know something's wrong."

"Nothing," I shrugged again. "I'm fine." I hated lying to him but it was bad enough Sirius knew my shame. I couldn't bear to tell anyone else. Besides, Remus has enough problems with the full moon. He doesn't need to worry about me. Sirius is taking care of me anyway.

Remus took both my hands & put them onto his shoulders, then held my face with his hands. The gold swirled out of sight as Moony submerged. "Prongs. I am the biggest liar out of the four of us. I have to be. Please. Don't lie to me! You've been strange since we started this year!"

"I told you," I petted his arms, feeling new scars under the material of his robes. "I was extremely ill that last week."

"Your scent was extremely off while we were on the train."

Damn him! "Yeah. Illness."

"If it was an illness, it would have changed back by now. But you still have that same strange new scent. I think it's permanent."

I had to turn this conversation away from a dangerous topic. Fast! "Well, I am nearly an adult now. Maybe I really am a man in wolf terms to? It's probably a more manly scent is all."

Remus's eyes switched to gold so quickly, I felt dizzy. "That is EXACTLY what this scent of yours is."

"Easy Moony, we're in public," I glanced around. The last thing I want added to my conscience on top of it all was the death of this precious wolf.

The gold glared at me for a long time. I really hope no one looked around. "I should go find Lily," Moony said, then submerged once more. "Yeah, he's right," Remus agreed.

"Oh NOW you put in the fact he can talk," Harry groused. "Still haven't told me what Wormtail is either."

"How's that working for you anyway?" I asked, grateful for the topic change. I hated Orion ever more. My scent changed because of that? "When patrols go with full moons, how are you dodging Lily?"

"She knows."

I stared at him. She—Lily. Knows? WHAT? "Exkuz ee mwa?" (What? I can speak French just fine…I just said 'Excuse me,' by the way. I just can't spell it!)

"She knows," Remus repeated. "She covers for me when I leave. She's ok with it."

I realized my jaw was on the ground somewhere & with great difficulty, I closed my mouth. "How long? How?"

"Since OWL exams last year," said Remus. "She never said how she knew. She just came up to me & said 'I know you're a werewolf. It's ok with me.' Then gave me some chocolate & left. We never spoke of it since except when Lily asks if I want her to cover for me."

Then it hit me! That was why Lily was being nice to me. She was starting to see me for what I was. A werewolf guardian. She was finally seeing beyond the façade we Marauders put up, beating up Snape, pulling pranks, stealing from Hogsmeade & other people's money like the band of land pirates we are; all to distract Remus from his pain every month. Oh God not now! Please not now! I'm not ready. "Does she know Animagic?"

"No," Remus said slowly.

"Moony!"

"She saw all three of you change once."

"WHAT?!"

"She's ok with it. She understands."

For a split second, I wondered why my head was hurting. Then I lowered my hands from my hair before I ripped myself bald. "How could th—HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?!

"It's ok Pro—"

"NO IT'S NOT! IT IS NOT OK!"

"Prongs!" Remus slapped a hand over my mouth. "She is sworn to secrecy like the rest of us. She knows us. What we do & why. SHE'S ONE OF US, PRONGS! She's one of us!"

"I can't even—I can't deal—g'night Moony!" I whirled around & fled for Sirius's side.

"Prongs? PRONGS!" Remus called after me but I ignored him.

I needed Sirius. Now! I felt violated all over again. Violated by Lily! Animagic was our greatest secret. That werewolf our greatest treasure. No one. NO ONE! Deserves the right to know about any of it. Lily had seen us? How? When? Where? I stormed into the Entrance Hall past the hourglasses of the House points, looking for Sirius. I spotted Lily by the doors of the Great Hall, talking to her girlfriends. I marched over.

"James," She smiled at me for a second before it vanished. I must have looked mad. I was!

"You!" I glared at her, fists balled by my sides. No I would never hit a girl, don't worry! Well except maybe Sirius's mother who was a real bitch but besides that one, no. "How dare you?" My voice was low & deep & for the first time, I realised I was a baritone.

"Excuse me?" Lily asked weakly.

"MY best secret! MY greatest treasure!" I hit my heart every time I said 'my'. "How could you know?"

"What?"

I glared at her some more before stomping off. She called after me but I fled for my bedroom. I hated myself for blowing up at her. She hadn't done anything wrong. If anything, I should be happy she had accepted us without question. If only Orion hadn't ripped me apart. Now, there was very little left that was sacred & oh yeah, Lily had just ripped out my last heartstring. I tossed my glasses onto the desk. They slid right across & fell behind. I flung myself onto my bed & stayed there for the rest of the evening.

A few hours later, Sirius turned up. We shared a look, then I went back to sulking. He sat beside me & gently put a hand on my tailbone. I didn't feel the pain I expected to feel. "Well, I suggest you avoid Moony & Lily for the rest of your life," Sirius said. "They're both mad at you."

"I don't care," I told my pillow, ignoring Sirius as best possible.

"Yes you do," Sirius lay beside me. "Or else you wouldn't be sulking up here."

"Padfoot! She KNOWS about us. ALL of us! Werewolf & illegal Animagic."

"So what were you planning to tell her if your marriage plans had gone through? Hmm? Thought so! Sooner or later, she would have had to be told everything."

I glared at him. "Piss off!" I turned my back towards him.

"Prongs you know how much I hate that girl! Stuck up know-it-all," Sirius squeezed my side a little. "Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to defend her? Against you no less? Don't embarrass me further please."

"Whatever."

"Prongs, our secret is safe with her. Our treasure is safe with her & maybe someday, your heart also, will be safe with her."

With a cracked voice I barely managed to talk at all. "Pads, it was the last thing I had all to myself ok? Now it's all gone. I have nothing left!"

"Neither Evans or Moony know the whole truth though," said Sirius, drying away my tears with a finger. "You can't fault them for their innocence."

"I have no innocence left!"

"You're a lot more innocent than me, the slut of Hogwarts," Sirius half-smiled at me.

"Yeah thanks," I scoffed, moving over so we could lie side by side. "You haven't been lying around much have you?"

"No, I'm talking care of you," Sirius took hold of my hand between us again. "Then I have Remus perhaps. Wolves mate for life."

"When are you ever going to ask him?"

"Now isn't the time."

"Oh don't wait on my account."

"We have a friendship to rebuild first," Sirius reminded me. Man, how out of it can I be? "Besides, I like this time with you."

I stared at the ceiling. I couldn't believe he had said that. There was something about him I needed to know & for some reason, I felt I would find out tonight. I had no idea how though. Would he even allow it? I suddenly pulled my hand out of his & laid it on the front of his hip closest to me, then moved to just near his inner thigh as he had done to me once. "I have no idea what I'm doing," I whispered.

"You're doing fine."

I moved my hand over that bulge between his legs & actually felt his sharp gasp the moment I touched him. "Did I hurt you?" He grunted a no so I continued to fondle him. I should have expected his reaction. After all, I did the same thing. But believe it or not, I wasn't intending anything sexual.

What I wanted was to see how he felt compared to his father. Lily had teased him about his size. (She's wrong by the way. It's big enough, thank you very much!) I needed a difference between Sirius & Orion. Him coming off just happened to be a pleasant side effect. He suddenly guided my hand inside his pants. Now I was really able to feel around for a difference. He was enjoying it so I didn't bother telling him what I was really feeling around for. It worked out for both of us. I also was comparing him to myself. We seemed the same length more or less, though him a bit bigger around. Whatever. Not important. The difference between him & that vile creature was a different story.

I was just on the verge of finding out how different he was when I felt his hand in my pants, returning the favour. For Merlin's sake! I'm trying to concentrate on something here! Fine. Might as well finish that off now that I can't think straight!

Surprisingly, I felt my back arch a little as he brought me over the edge. It didn't hurt as much as before, but there was still a jabbing pain by the tailbone. But it had definitely healed a lot by now.

Ok, thank you very much. That was great. Now I worked on him again. I had been careful to keep him going while he worked on me. I needed to find a difference. Sirius had his face turned into the pillow as he thrusted long & slow into my palm. I was suddenly distracted by the fact that this would be the first time I see him actually come. I stroked him long & slow. I had to find something different. Sirius was practically sobbing by now but I didn't bring him over the edge just yet.

I kept him going as I let my fingers explore every bit of him. I finally found a difference as he grabbed my collar & bucked hard into my hand. The Grim within him growled as he went over.

Sirius was longer. I was sure of that. Good. Definitely not like the man who bred him at all!

(AN: Yeah, totally ripped off a Sherlock BBC line there. No, I don't care.

* The extra rooms are in the Harry Potter & The Chamber Of Secrets video game.)