This may well be the last chapter for a while folks – I'm at uni now and as such have too much work, too little money and am living solely off the scraps that I find on the floor… But thank you to those who reviewed for your lovely support and kind words! I love you and shall try to write more as soon as I find the time.

Chapter 10: Taking Rowdy for a walk

………

………

Elliot's POV

So here we are… me and Dan, in some bar. And at the moment I'm kicking myself for even thinking this would be a good idea – so far it's just been awkward. We're both just sitting on some bar stools and sipping on our beers, and… not talking.

Frick! Why is this so uncomfortable? Maybe I should start off with what we both want to get off our chests?

"So uh…" I say, blowing some hair out of my eyes.

"Yeah." Says Dan. Then he takes an almighty glug of beer and orders another one with a wave of his hand. Oh God, I really really don't want to be left babysitting Dan while he drinks away his liver.

"Listen," I start carefully, "I don't know why you wanted to come out tonight, but I do know why I did."

"Yeah, you so totally wanted to score with me," Dan says, looking me up and down, "Chicks dig the emotionally crippled my-brother's-got-leukemia act… and I don't mind 'cause you're kinda hot in a scary sorta way…"

"Dan!" I do my best to look offended – you know, while secretly I'm a bit flattered. He really thinks I'm hot? I feel my heart swell, ha, yes! And I thought I'd been letting myself down lately, I mean I haven't been sleeping as much, but I guess none of us have...

Oh… what am I doing - this isn't the right time to think about how hot I look, this is about JD.

Dan's grinning drunkenly at me and swigging from his beer bottle.

This is about JD and how we've both been doing the selfish thing and avoiding him when he really needs us. He just doesn't deserve this.

I take a sip of beer and shake my head a little sadly, "Look Dan, you and I both know that we came here because we're taking the coward's way out and not seeing JD." I say bluntly.

Dan shifts a little on his stool and cradles his beer that's on the counter top with both hands. He doesn't look at me for a while. "Yep, I'd say that pretty much sums it up." He admits with a small and somewhat sad smirk. "I've been avoiding him like crazy." Then he stares at the bar for so long I wonder if he's slipped off into a daydream - just like JD would, but then he takes a deep breath. "I dunno what to do." He says finally, quietly. "I can't go in there with him like that. I mean, what am I s'posed to say? I'm no good with the emotional hoo-ha and he knows it."

Now this is the stuff I was expecting to hear. I lean closer. "I know what you mean, but I don't think he needs us to say anything. I've been avoiding him all through his chemotherapy, and the truth is… I'm just scared. The truth is he could die, and I just can't handle that."

"Pfft." Says Dan, chugging his beer and then offering me a crooked smile. "He's not gonna die. My baby bro's invincible."

But I think we both know that he isn't. JD's anything but invincible, he's like some small fragile flower that Doctor Cox tramples on every now and then.

"He needs us right now." I say. And I immediately feel guilty for coming out to this bar in the first place when I could be sitting in with JD and just talking. God, I've been such an idiot.

"It's not gonna make a difference if'm there or not." Dan orders yet another beer, and his words are beginning to slur into one long line of gibberish. "He wa'always the one who fixed things... you know, I remember I kept breaking his bike… he called it Benny the wonder bike… such a girl, it wa' pink but he kept saying it was purple… and every time I pushed it over or kinda beat the crap outta it, he'd always just go right ahead and fix it again."

I'm not quite sure if this is just one of Dan's drunken ramblings, or whether he has a point. He turns to look at me and presses his lips together. He looks so sad, all blue eyed with those same eyes that he shares with JD, that I don't really know what to say. So I keep quiet for once and let him finish.

"I… I never fix things, I just end up ruining them," he says, "an' I'll just end up ruining him too."

………

JD's POV

A few hours later and Turk arrives looking incredibly guilty as he quickly pushes in a wheelchair, glancing over his shoulder as if sure that Carla knows what he's up to. I can almost hear the theme music from Mission Impossible playing as he hurries to the side of my bed.

We're finally getting out of here! Well, by we, I mean me – seeing as Turk's been lucky enough to leave whenever he wants to… although, I don't think that he actually has left. Except to buy me pizza.

Man, I want to hug him 'til there's no hug left in me.

"You sure you're still up for this?" Turk whispers at me worriedly. But I just treat him to my widest smile. He nods.

It's an effort getting out of bed, and I'm thankful that I persuaded the nurses to let me wear a t-shirt and jogging bottoms, or this would be a whole lot more awkward right now.

Turk dumps a jumper over my head and pulls up the hood. Heh, a disguise. I like it. "Take it easy Vanilla Bear," Turk says, gripping my arms as I stumble the ten centimetres from my bed to the wheelchair.

By the time I'm sitting down, I'm exhausted, and there are dark splodges eating away at my vision. I hold my head for a minute until they go away.

"Let's go," I say, and then look up, trying to show just how grateful I am without ruining the moment, "… and thanks Chocolate bear."

"Hey it's no problem man," he answers, taking out a small blank sheet of paper from my chart and scribbling something on it, "just so long as you don't have some major heart attack while we're outside, or Carla finds out that I've kidnapped you… we should be just fine."

He puts the paper back on my bed, and I see the words 'Taken Rowdy for a walk, please don't kill us' on it and I smile.

Even if we do get killed, this is so worth it.

Turk seats Rowdy comfortably on my lap and then goes to the door. "Here," he says quietly, "You get to carry Rowdy while I try and figure out how to get past Laverne… This is a team effort buddy, now you remember that ninja tape we watched, right?"

I nod enthusiastically, but inside I know that nothing and nobody ever really gets past Laverne, no matter how many ninja tapes you might've watched. That woman has the eyes of a hawk, I swear.

But maybe, just maybe, she'll let us go anyway. She knows I don't want to be cooped up in bed. I mean, she actually caught me a couple of days ago after I blinked away a daydream about escaping, and found myself with one foot hanging out of the window and a knee on the ledge.

"Q-tip. What in the hell are you doing?" She had said with a disapproving shake of her head. She helped me get back under the covers, brown hair swishing back and forth. Oh, how I wish I could get mine to look that glossy... and it smelt like cherries too. "I'm sorry, but you ain't getting nowhere like that honey."

She was right; I didn't even know what I was doing. I just felt like I needed to get outside. As if leaving this claustrophobic room would make everything better - and yes, I know it probably won't do anything medically… but it'll make me feel so much happier on the inside. And that's what really counts, right?

I sigh at the memory and stroke Rowdy's head as he sits contented in my lap. Well, I say sits, but his legs aren't really that bendy so all he can really do is stand. As me and Turk found out when we tried to teach him how to surf. "Did you miss me boy?" I ask him hopefully. "Bet the apartment's all lonely without me there, huh?"

Rowdy doesn't answer, but if he were alive I bet he'd be slobbering all over my face right now.

I find myself grinning from ear to ear as Turk pokes his head out of the door to check if the coast is clear, and whips it back inside to avoid being seen. It's as if we really are making a break for it. I fondle Rowdy's ear absently, "Hush Rowdy," I say, "they'll hear you and then we won't make it outside for your walk and ice cream…"

"All right, Laverne's busy reading up on her stories," Turk whispers, running behind me and grabbing the wheelchair handles. "If we hurry we can leg it outta here man. Ready?"

"Born ready C-bear!" I chirp, holding onto Rowdy tightly.

Turk speeds off out of the door like a madman, and my eyes are blurring as everything rushes past. Wow, he sure must have built up his calf muscles with all that basketball…

There are several shapes ahead that could be people, but Turk pays them no attention other than to swerve out of the way and whisper "Nearly there V-bear."

There's a squeak of wheels. Doors opening. I feel like Dr Cox is going to make an appearance any second now, swinging a samurai sword and cutting off my escape. But he doesn't.

I hear the doors slide shut behind us. We're out, we made it! Oh sweet sunshine on my face, I have missed you so!

Turk slows down a little now that we've made it outside, but we're still moving at a pretty fast pace as we head for the little strip of green grass and trees behind the hospital. It's such a beautiful day, and there are people everywhere, and birds and clouds and warm yummy smells.

"Just sit here and keep your hood up Vanilla bear, we're wanted men you know…"

Turk hefts Rowdy off of my lap, sets him lightly on the ground at my feet and then leaves the two of us under the tree to go and buy some ice cream.

I sit, well that's all I can really do in this wheelchair, but I also appreciate. The sun's warm on my pale skin, and I rub my fingers a little in the little dapples of sunlight that fall through the leaves above my head. It's so peaceful here, so relaxing. So… un-hospital-y… It's just what I needed.

I know it's not the best thing to do, but I carefully manoeuvre myself to stand up - and using the tree for leverage, I manage to get out of the wheelchair altogether. I plonk my ass on the grass beneath the trunk and gasp for breath. It takes me a minute to adjust, but after that I feel much better. I allow my fingers to trail in the grass and wriggle my bare toes contentedly.

Ah… It's just so normal out here, so every day. How I've missed it.

"JD man, you could've waited for me to help you…" I look up and there's Turk, holding a pair of the biggest ice creams I've ever seen. Guess his diabetes is taking a back seat… he doesn't look too angry with my change of location. In fact he looks a little relieved; I think he's just happy to know that I've got the strength to make it out of the chair by myself. He grins widely and passes me an ice cream dripping in raspberry sauce and rainbow sprinkles, just the way I like it, and then he sits himself next to me and Rowdy on the grass.

"Chocolate bear," I say, leaning my head back and breathing in all the delicious smells of summer.

"Yeah man?"

I turn my head slightly, but find that I don't really know what to say to him. I'm too grateful to be outside, too content. I just smile and take a lick of my ice cream. Then I say "any chance of an Eagle?"

He just grins.

After a while I've had enough of the icy snack dribbling all over my fingers when I can't lick it fast enough. So I kindly give it to Rowdy. The ice cream sits and melts in the grass as Rowdy gazes straight ahead. He's enjoying it.

………

Laverne's POV

Mmhmm, now that's more like it. I was starting to think that Q-tip was gonna stay cooped up in that room forever. Poor kid, any idiot could see he was getting uncomfortable, and after all that nasty chemotherapy he definitely deserves a break.

Let's just say I made quite sure that all the nurses were busy, just around the time that hot shot surgeon of Carla's came by with a suspicious looking wheelchair and one of those hoody tops tucked under his arm.

I covered my smile with my magazine, and sure enough, after a few minutes of hushed whispering, out comes Q-tip all shacked up in the wheelchair with a hood pulled over his head, smiling just like he used to.

You go on Q-tip – you get out of here while the going's good.

I have to stop myself from shooing them out; I mean they don't need to know that ol' Laverne's getting soft. Nobody needs to know that. I've got my street cred to think about after all. Still, those two better hurry if they wanna make it out alive… because I know for sure that there's one man who's not gonna be too happy about this escape of theirs.

And he could be down at any minute to check up on the kid. Lord knows he's been snooping around here so often I'm beginning to think Q-tip's managed to make even the great Percival Cox a softie.

"He's sure as hell turned me into one…" I murmur, putting my feet up.

For some reason that thought just makes me smile.

………

Carla's POV

As I enter the room, my mouth formed into that fake smile I always put on when I see Bambi now, I'm taken aback for a moment.

It's… it's empty. The room's empty. The bed sheets are a mess, and there's nothing but a small slip of paper on the cover. No Bambi anywhere to be seen.

"Bambi?" I say, even though it's quite obvious he's not in the room. Although I wouldn't put it beneath JD and Turk to hide under the bed or something just to scare me.

Then I notice that their dead dog is also gone… and no one would move Rowdy out of JD's room, especially if they'd smelt him lately; I mean, no one but JD or Turk that is.

No, JD wouldn't have… not after we told him he was too sick… and definitely not after I told him. I mean he wouldn't dare go against what I said.

Besides I doubt he'd be able to make it that far unless he had some kind of help, and Turk knows that that would be a stupid idea, so he wouldn't try anything…

He's probably off getting treatment or something, so there's no need to worry; I just wish they'd told me where they were going. I mean, they know how I get – I automatically jump off to the wrong conclusions.

"Hey." says a voice from the door. I spin around to see Dr Cox, leaning casually against the doorway, mouth set into a grim line. He looks into the room and frowns. "Just where exactly did Twinkle toes fly off to?"

And just like that, my heart drops.

Bambi can't be off in some other room having treatment – because Perry handles all of that, seeing as he's decided to be so damn protective of Bambi all the time.

Oh no.

How could those two idiots be so stupid!?

"Earth to Carla," snaps Dr Cox in a tone I don't much care for right now, "where the hell is Newbie?"

I fling up my hands. "¿Cómo podía saberlo?" I snap back, frustratedly.

Dr Cox squints at me and makes his confused face. Oh he wouldn't be doing that if he knew. He'd be more pissed off and scared than I am. "Carla." He grunts, looking a little annoyed. "Spanish. Turn it off please. Now just where in the hell is Jemima?"

I take a deep breath, feeling my eyes get hot and wet, "I don't know! I just came in here and -" I stop as I remember something, turning around and stalking over to the bed again. I pick up the piece of paper from the covers. It's a note, and it's in my baby's handwriting.

He wouldn't.

"What?" asks Dr Cox.

I read it carefully my anger flaring up as I let myself realise what's happened. I can't believe Turk would do something like this – can't he see that Bambi's not up to whatever silly boy antics he's got planned?

I hand the paper to Perry and watch as his face makes that flawless transition from almost gentle and tired to absolutely full blown Coxian fury.

My baby is so dead.

………

JD's POV

Everything is perfect; me and Turk are chatting and laughing away as if this was any other day. He's scoffed down his monster of an ice cream and is now looking at the melting one at Rowdy's feet as if wishing he could invoke the five minute rule.

"And I swear man, the Janitor's actually doing his job for once. Seriously, I can actually see my face when I look in the locker room mirror – there's no scum or anything!"

I put my pondering face on; I guess without me to torture there's not really much to preoccupy the Janitor anymore… You know, apart from that dead squirrel in my face thing he did a couple of nights ago… I've never screamed so much. And I don't think I can ever look at small rodents the same way again.

Anyway, I… I almost wish we could go back to the weird scary dynamic we had before all this mess… I mean, I kinda wish he'd stick me to the floor again with super-super glue, or sweep a dripping mop over my face, or rugby tackle me off the roof.

It's funny what being ill can make you long for.

"Guess he's bored without me..." I say, picking idly at the grass.

"Got that right," nods Turk, folding his arms behind his head and leaning casually back on the tree trunk with a contented sigh, "pretty much everything's boring without you V-Bear."

And then, just like that, our time here is up. And it's not because I've just spontaneously keeled over and died, but because I can see a very red-faced and very angry looking Dr Cox storming up to us across the lawn.

"Turk," I squeak, and try to hide my face in my hoody.

Turk looks to see what's got me so scared, and stammers, "Ah man, crap," and stands up.

Dr Cox has what looks suspiciously like our note, clutched angrily between his fingers. "What in God's name do you think you're doing?" He shouts.

I didn't think he could look so angry - his eyes are a dangerous stormy grey and much too bright that they almost look wet, and there's a vein throbbing in his temple. I don't think I've ever managed to make him look like this before. He looks more than angry, he almost looks scared.

"JD just wanted to go outside." Turk says simply, backing up a step.

"And you let him? Good God! I thought maybe you were being responsible for once Ghandi - but here you are letting a sick patient out so he can catch his death two damn months too early! Just get him the hell back inside before he catches something - now."

"I don't want to go back inside." I say feebly, trying to get into the conversation that they're seemingly having right in front of me, as if I'm just a part of the scenery.

I think if I was part of the scenery I'd like to be one of those willow trees… or maybe a cloud. Sitting calmly and just watching the world go by.

Mmm… what I wouldn't do to be a cloud.

Dr Cox scowls at me, "Ah snap outta it would ya? Don't think I'm just blaming Disco ball head here Newbie, you know you're not strong enough for this - damn it, you're a doctor. Why the hell would you go and pull a stunt like this when you know the risks? Do you want to die?"

Of course I don't want to… you know… I don't think I can say it, because it's not going to happen. Why can't he understand that I need to have some time away from it all?

"No." I say angrily. And suddenly it's harder to breathe. My lungs have seized up, and it… it hurts. I just want to stay outside for just a while longer. Please. A few tears squeeze their way out between my clenched eyelids. "I needed… to be out –" breathe, "outside…"

"JD?" Turk kneels back down and pushes my hood back worriedly. I try to glare at Dr Cox over his shoulder, but it's hard through the tears that have suddenly clouded my eyes. Oh God - why am I crying? I never cry. And I mean never.

Stop JD. Tears solve nothing, they only make your eyes sting and your heart hurt. Stop.

"JD man, calm down okay?" Turk puts a hand on my arm as I gasp pathetically.

"I don't feel so good." I try to tell him, but he's pushed aside by something or someone – a big blur of red – and I'm not sure what happens next because my eyes are closing all by themselves and I'm glad there's a tree trunk behind my back holding me up.

Suddenly there are strong arms encircling my waist and I'm hefted up into the wheelchair again.

"Just breathe Cindy." Rumbles a deep voice near my ear.

I try to do what the voice says, but my lungs are finding it hard to cooperate, even with all the fresh air out here.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Let's get ya back to your room."

I'm dizzy for a minute. I can hear arguing again and it's making my head pound.

" - and as for you Gandhi, why the hell did you think this would be a good idea? Are you actually trying to kill your little girlfriend here or did you just think it would be fun to scare the hospital shitless with your disappearing act?"

"Dr Cox, come on. He was barely out of the hospital with a qualified doctor on hand right beside him!"

A snort. "Oh no no no. You did nawt just call yourself a doctor there Baldie. I'm sure Francis here woulda been glad to have you around if he happened to need surgery, but God forbid him actually need proper medical attention by someone other than a glorified scalpel jockey - I mean, by God, do you even know the risks of him being out here? If you don't then ya just shouldn't've taken him out Ghandi. And if you do know the risks then you either want to give him an early death or you're just stupider than you look. Which is a pre-hetty hard thing to accomplish."

I'm struggling for breath.

I think Dr Cox notices because his rant kinda dies out and I can hear someone come closer. I fold my arms and curl my fingers around my chest, trying to get my mouth to turn into a reassuring smile. Shouldn't make them worry, I'm fine.

"Hey, Jocelyn, you doing all right there?"

I squint open my eyes a little, in time to see Dr Cox's half worried, half pissed off, face swim into view. Then he grabs my wheelchair by the handles and before I know it I'm being steered back into the hospital like there's no tomorrow.

I let out shaky laugh between breaths; because for all I know, with the way I seem to be going, there might not be a tomorrow.

I hug my arms tighter to my chest and look behind me to see Turk running, carrying Rowdy over his shoulder in a fireman's lift.

Oh man… I always manage to ruin things, but at least this time I actually did what I wanted to do. I know we didn't spend long under that tree, but it was enough – a small sweet taste of freedom, that's managed to make me smile even if I can't breathe with these silly lungs of mine. And Rowdy got to stretch his legs too.

We're in the hospital. The sunlight doesn't stand a chance against those snapping automatic doors, and the sharp artificial lighting replaces it.

Nobody says anything. I'm just pushed quickly into my room without another word. Laverne looks at me a little guiltily over the top of a magazine and I smile weakly at her. I knew she'd turned a blind eye to my escape… I should thank her later. Even if my body didn't appreciate my trip outside, my mind sure did.

And I smile at that thought. I went outside. Just for a moment I went outside! My breathing's erratic, my head is pounding, my fingers are shaking… but there's a contented smile on my face that just won't budge.

Although… I bet Turk and I are in a heap of trouble right now…

Carla is instantly at my side once we're in my room. But instead of addressing me she just gives me a small snugly and slightly wet hug.

"I'm sorry." I start carefully, but Dr Cox just growls at me from over Carla's shoulder and starts flicking through my chart again. Why must he be so obsessed with that thing, surely there's only so much it can tell him?

"Sorry doesn't cut it Harriet." Sighs Dr Cox.

Carla gives me a watery smile and goes straight for Turk instead, "What the hell were you thinking?"

My smile falters a little. Oh please don't yell at my SCB… he was just helping a fellow brother bear out, and besides, your shouty voice makes those things in my head angry… and they have the annoying tendency to pound on my nerve endings when they're angry.

I let out a shaky breath and squeeze my eyes shut against the head ache… owwie…

And then my lungs sort of give up on me, like they did outside, but it's worse this time. I hunch over in the wheelchair and pant for breath, but no amount of wheezing is helping. "Turk -" I manage, "can't…" Oh god, I can't – I can't breathe…

I…

I wonder if my lungs are actually there… or if someone replaced them with… sponges.

In my mind's eye I see the Todd high-fiving a passerby. "All right!" he says, punching his fists in the air, "I so totally took out this guys lungs and replaced them with sponges!"

"Why?" asks a version of me, that suddenly pops in out of nowhere, "Why would you do that?"

"Dude," says the Todd, "how the hell should I know? This is your oxygen-depleted daydream…"

I blink dopily, coming back to myself.

There's the cool flow of oxygen passing through my mouth, the softness of a pillow beneath my head. I can breathe. Ah… sweet glorious oxygen.

Hey, wait a darn second. I'm gasping feebly with an oxygen mask over my face. When did… when did that get there? I blink tiredly, flitting my blue eyes around the room. Come to think of it… when did I manage to get back into this familiarly lumpy bed again?

"Baby, you just weren't thinking! Look what you've done to JD – you know he's not well enough…" Carla sounds upset. No, more than upset. As I look up I see tears in her eyes. Oh. "I can't believe you'd be so stupid."

Turk's in more trouble than me at the moment, and I need to put things straight before I pass out.

"Not… Turk's fault." I try to say as they smother me with blankets.

"Oh Bambi, sh. Just concentrate on breathing okay? You've had a busy day, you need to get some sleep." she strokes back my hair in that familiar comforting way and it nearly lulls me to sleep. Nearly.

I pull the mask off weakly, "No… none of you seem to understand, except Turk..." I breathe but it feels like I'm forcing the air into my lungs now I don't have the help of that nice mask. But I need to make them understand how much this meant to me. "I just wanted to get away for a little while and… and forget… forget that I might not make it to next month." The declaration has weakened me, and I can feel my eyes well up again but I'll be damned if I let Carla see me cry.

"V-bear, it's all right." Says Turk. But I can't stop the words coming out of my mouth.

"I don't want to just be stuck here, waiting. I want to enjoy the time I've got, in case I…" my breathing gets worse but I carry on through it because for some reason I just can't stop. "I don't want you guys to be angry, but I just can't deal with you all smothering me, or pretending I can do this by myself, or just… avoiding me. I want things to be like they were; this isn't how I want to remember… remember…" I gasp pathetically, feeling hot and flushed. I can't finish and I clutch at the bed sheets with my fingers trying to breathe.

Dr Cox bats away my hands and secures the oxygen mask to my face, his mouth set into a grim line.

I think I've stunned them into silence.

Through the bleary haze I can see Carla's concerned face as her eyes flit worryingly over to Dr Cox, who's standing solidly at the side of my bed. His expression is stony, but his eyes are something else.

Turk just looks sad, like he did when I told him that rumour about Gilmore girls getting cancelled. But maybe a bit worse than that. This is silent sad. Even Rowdy who's peeking out from behind Turk, has watery eyes.

Oh, J-Dizzle, what have you done?

"I'm sorry I didn't… I didn't mean to say that…" I try to say, but I can't get any more words out. Silly suppressed emotions. My eyes have given up the fight and I'm drifting. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Out…

I'm drifting away.

………

………

¿Cómo podía saberlo? – How should I know?

Ta so much for reading :) I hope you enjoyed it, review if you like.