Okay so here it is....Bella's reaction to Edward's confessions and the wedding.
I want to say a quick thank you to all those who have read and reviewed this story. I have no words to thank you. The last two chapters have received the most reviews. Ch 9 received over 50 alone. Thank you so much. I'm completely blown away.
My thanks as always to Stavanger1. She's the bestest, and I love her dearly. To Jessica1971, I really can't put into words how much I thank you. Both these lovely ladies are just wonderful.
Mood Music: There's so many that I listened to for this chapter. 'Hasn't hit me yet' by Blue Rodeo. 'Behind these hazel eyes." by Kelly Clarkson. 'Why' by Jason Aldean. 'Pages' by 3 Doors Down. As well as the songs that are a part of the Wedding.
So as you all know SM owns...I just get to play with them.
Chapter 10
BPOV
Dear God! Oh how I wanted to believe him; I wanted to believe what he had said was true. But I couldn't. My heart skipped a beat when I heard his strangled cry just as I closed the music room door. I laid my head against the door, wanting to feel as though I could go to him, to comfort him. I wanted to tell him that I believed him, but….I didn't. I swiped the tears away from my face. I couldn't wrap my head around what Edward had told me… and he played for me again, but it was so different this time. I knew that the song he chose was from his heart, solidifying what he was trying to tell me.
I was in a daze, my mind swimming in all the emotions that were screaming at me, tearing me apart. I wanted to believe what he was saying. But….how could he have left me if he loved me? I mean I always knew he was a stubborn man, that he was prone to tunnel vision but….
Why would he wait nine years to tell you he still loved you?
No. I didn't want to think about that, not tonight. I needed to get through the wedding tomorrow, then I could deal with this. I couldn't fall apart now; I had to make sure that I had a hold on myself for Alice. She deserved to have a beautiful day, and the drama building between me and Edward was going to make that impossible if I didn't control my emotions.
I found Alice in the tent set up for the reception, deep in conversation with her lead server. I'm sure she was giving last minute instructions on tomorrow's festivities and how she wanted everything to be just perfect. Most of the wedding party, along with the other guests, had already left, but Alice and Esme were still hard at work ensuring that all their ducks were in a row.
I caught a look from Rose, shaking my head at her quirked eyebrow, mouthing 'I'm fine'. Placing a hand on Alice's arm to gain her attention, she turned to me with a full smile but it was quickly replaced with a look of concern when she actually looked at me.
"Bella….what happened?" she whispered as she pulled me to a quiet area behind one of the banquet tables.
"Alice, I'm fine. I just need to go, okay?"
"Bella, you are clearly not fine. What did he do now?" Alice's instant recognition that my tenuous hold on my emotions was most likely the responsibility of her brother was not a surprise.
"Alice….really, I just need to go. Are you still staying with me tonight?"
"Yes. But Bella, if he's done something to upset you this way….Ugh, I'm going to kill him." Alice threw her hands on her hips, scanning the tent trying to catch a glimpse of her brother, I'm sure.
"Listen. I don't want to talk about this right now, okay? Edward didn't do anything….I….no. Alice, this is about you and Jasper. Nothing else, okay?" Placing my hands on her shoulders I gave her a pointed look, effectively closing the subject. I knew there was no way I would get out of talking about the situation completely but hopefully she would be so distracted she would let it drop for now.
I pulled my cell out and sent a text to the one person I really needed to talk to right now.
S, can u come over?
B
I turned the key in the ignition and started down the driveway. My cell buzzed in record time with his reply.
B there in 20.
U okay?
S
I couldn't help but smile, he was always there for me. Stopping at the end of the drive, I sent him another text.
thx
not sure
B
I was just sliding the key into the lock of the front door when I was suddenly awash with the lights from Seth's car.
I smiled and waited for him to join me before entering the house.
"Hey, Beautiful," Seth greeted, placing a kiss to my temple and throwing an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side.
"Hey." With a half smile I looked up at him.
"So…..what happened to have you calling in reinforcements at, let's see…." checking his non-existent watch, "well really late on the Friday night before your best girlfriends wedding? Where I know for a fact you were not going to be able to avoid Edward any longer?" He gave my shoulders a little squeeze and looked at me with a mischievous grin.
Shoving him away from me, I snorted a laugh.
"I have not been avoiding him," I stated, but didn't meet his knowing gaze.
"Oh, really? Huh…..seems to me you've been running from that man like a scared rabbit. But maybe I'm wrong." Walking to the couch, he picked up the remote and flipped through several channels before plopping his big frame down on the end of the sofa, settling on watching ESPN while placing his feet on my coffee table.
"Shut up, smartass. I have not been running from Edward," I said, crossing my arms over my chest and scowling at the man sprawled out across my living room. I knew he was right, of course, but damn it I was not going to admit it.
"So what's up that you needed me to come over? Because judging by the look on your face I'm guessing more than wedding planning and rehearsing was going on at the Cullen's tonight. You going to tell me or is this going to be one of those teeth pulling events where I have to drag every detail out of you?" He smirked at me, knowing that I needed to talk, which just infuriated me because, well…..it just pissed me off that he knew me that well.
Uh…didn't you call him over here to talk?
Shut up! Yes I did, but still…..it pissed me off none the less.
"You want a beer?" I called over my shoulder as I opened the refrigerator and removed two, because I knew he would want one.
I handed him the opened bottle as I walked back into the living room.
"Thanks." He gave me a knowing look as he took the beer and turned back to the television.
"Um….I'm going to go change, can you hang out for a while?" I worried my bottom lip because I really did want to talk to him about what happened and I couldn't do that comfortably in the skirt I had worn to the rehearsal.
"Oh yeah," he replied, shifting his position on the couch to turn and look at me. "I'm here as long as you need Bella, you know that." He smiled that beautiful smile, making me realize even more how lucky I was to have met him and to call him my friend. He had stuck by me even after I had pushed the limits of our relationship and kissed him after returning from the camping trip. But true to form, he understood. He knew what was truly going on and because he's a good guy, because he truly cares for me, he stopped it before things got out of hand.
"Thanks, Seth….really."
I turned, walking down the hall to my bedroom. I was changed and back out in a pair of pajama pants and a tank top in less time than I expected. Throwing my hair up into a messy ponytail I threw myself on the couch and picked up my beer. I snuggled down into the opposite corner of the couch and took a deep breath.
"So, beautiful, are you going to fill me in on what happened tonight?"
I sat up, placing my bottle on the coffee table. I dropped my head into my hands, groaning, completely at a loss for where to start.
"God, Seth…..I don't even know where to begin…." I could feel the tears threatening to choke me and I swallowed the thick lump in my throat.
"Well, probably starting at the beginning would be my suggestion." My head snapped up at the sound of amusement in his voice.
"You know, I could really do without the smartass commentary," I snapped at him.
"Sorry, but come on Bella, you look like you're being led to slaughter. How bad could it have been, really? The way you've been running from him this week I doubt he had time to say much to you."
I groaned and threw myself back against the cushions of the couch, an arm over my eyes I began retelling what had happened during my conversation with Edward.
"Seth, you have no idea just how bad it is….I just….God!" I could feel the control I had worked up since walking out of the music room, leaving Edward there, was beginning to slip.
My head lolled on the back of the sofa and I met Seth's concerned gaze.
"He told me he still loves me…" A sob caught in my throat.
"Oh….come here beautiful." Seth reached over and pulled me into his arms. Resting my head on his chest I let the tears overtake me; I just couldn't hold it in any longer. The dam was bursting and there was no little boy to place his finger in the holes.
"Seth…..I just…..how could he tell me he loves me? How can I even…..what am I supposed to do with that?" I wiped the tears from my eyes and buried my head in his chest.
"Bella, sit up." He lifted me up and I shifted, crooking a leg underneath me. I reached for the tissue box on the sofa table, wiping my face furiously and blew my nose.
"Can I be totally honest with you here?" He gently grasped my chin, tilting my head up until I had no choice but to look him in the face.
"I know that it's really hard for you to believe that he loves you….I totally get that. Why would you believe him, right? I mean, I don't know the boy, but….just listen to me before you go off the deep end here," he warned as he obviously saw me gearing up for a rebuttal of his reasoning. I nodded my head and snapped my mouth shut. Huffing, I crossed my arms.
"Bella, I've been where you are to a degree." Seth hesitated as though he were gathering his thoughts, trying to make a decision as to what he wanted to say. "I had a girlfriend that I was completely head over heels for. I really thought she was the one. Honestly, I'm still not sure that she's not, but the point is she didn't see us that way. She wanted other things; she wasn't ready for the white picket fence, the two point five kids and all that shit. But what I'm trying to say to you is even after the years since she left…..if Jane walked through that door right now and told me she was wrong, that she still loved me? I wouldn't think twice about making sure she knew that she had finally made the right decision.
"Honey, from what I can tell about your Edward, he's a stubborn SOB and seems to me like he has a hard time admitting when he's wrong." I barked a laugh at that, because even though Seth had never officially met Edward he was spot on with that description.
"What are you saying to me, Seth? That I should just forget the last nine years? That I should just….what? Overlook the fact that he told me we were a mistake? That he didn't want to do this anymore?" The tears were flowing down my face but I was too angry to care at this point.
"Seth, if he cared for me so much, why would he completely cut me out of his life like he did?" My voice was rising along with my temper. I jumped up off the couch and began pacing around the living room, the adrenaline from my ire making it impossible to sit still any longer.
I turned on Seth with all the fury I had pent up toward Edward and the completely fucked up situation that he had created.
"Why, Seth? Why would you leave someone that you love like that? He….he could have been my friend even if he didn't want me anymore….I needed him Seth, when I….when Tyler….I always needed him….I loved him so much and he just…."
I closed my eyes, my hands fisted at my sides. I was just so angry and trying desperately to hold on to my control with a death grip. I was losing my mind. How could I let him do this to me again? I knew what he had said to me tonight was heartfelt. I also knew that if it were really true he would have never been able to leave me, to have stayed away this long, no matter how stubborn he may be. It just couldn't be…he couldn't have loved me and still walked away.
"Listen to me, Bella….I can't answer any of these questions for you. There's only one person that can and you know that. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told you before; talk to him. Tell him all of this….let him know what he's done to you. It's the only way to move past it, to leave it behind. If you talk to him and he doesn't give you the answers you're looking for, then you can decide where this is all going to lead. But at least you'll have some answers instead of a whole lot of questions that have been burnin' you up inside. That's a hell of a long time to carry around what you've been holding onto."
He placed a kiss on the top of my head and I sucked in deep breaths, hoping to calm the storm of emotions that were drowning me. I knew he was right; I would have to talk to Edward. I made a vow then that I would talk with him, but we had to get through the wedding first. I glanced at the clock on my mantle and realized that Alice would probably be walking in the door any minute. I took one more long breath, blowing it out, working to calm myself down.
"Alice should be here any minute. She's staying here tonight," I shrugged. "Some kind of attempt to stay away from Jazz until the wedding and since they both live on the Cullen ranch…." I smiled a half smile, but I knew it was forced and so did Seth by the look he shot me.
"Well, I guess then you'll be in good hands tonight." He chuckled as he leaned in and placed a kiss on my forehead.
"Yeah, I think me and the pixie have everything under control." I knew he was concerned. I also knew he was right. Edward and I had a lot of baggage to air out, and I needed some real answers.
"You think about what I said….it's the only way, Bella. Deep down you know that. It'll be alright, whatever happens. 'K?"
I nodded my head and, wrapping my arms around his waist, hugged him for being my friend and giving it to me straight when all I wanted to do was scream at someone. Seth really helped me get some perspective. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to look at the issue with Edward with a clear head. I had to really think about what he said tonight with an open mind and not with the anger or hurt that I was feeling right now.
With one last kiss to the top of my head, Seth headed out the door with a promise to meet me at the Cullen's tomorrow afternoon. I was really glad he would still be accompanying me to the wedding. It made me feel a little stronger. If I knew he was there then I might just have a chance of making it through the day with my heart still intact, but I wasn't holding my breath…
~*~
"Come on! Bella, seriously, we have to go! NOW!" I heard Alice's shriek echo down the hallway. I saw her standing in the foyer, hands on her hips as I sauntered out of my bedroom, garment bag in hand.
"Oh my god, Bella! What the hell have you been doing? You know we have to be at the house in fifteen minutes…..UGH! We have to be there by eleven for hair and make-up. Then the photographer wanted to do pictures starting at three…." She continued ticking off all the tasks we had lined up prior to the ceremony as I slowly made my way into the kitchen. Pouring myself a cup of coffee, preparing it just the way I liked it, I took a long sip. I let out a frustrated groan as the hot liquid slid down my throat. I was not looking forward to this day for reasons that had nothing to do with the wedding and everything to do with one Edward Cullen. Alice had followed me into the kitchen and was still going strong with her list of things that had to be done today. It obviously was an endless list. I rolled my eyes, knowing that most everything she counted off was set and ready to go.
"Alice…."
Nothing, she continued in her own little world.
"Alice!" That finally stopped her. "Sorry, honey. Damn, take a breath. All that stuff will get done, most of what you've been ticking off the list in your head is already done. You know that and the things that don't get done…well in twenty years it'll be stuff that you laugh about. So just take a breath and calm yourself. Besides…..Jasper's not going anywhere without you. And I need my coffee or I'm going to be grumpy as hell all day." I winked at her and she smiled.
"I know, Bella. I just want it to all be so perfect…..you know how I get."
"Yes, I do, and it's okay but you need to calm down and enjoy today. Okay?" Setting my coffee cup down, I put both my hands on her shoulders and looked straight in her eyes.
"You know what? This…this is why you are my best friend. I love you…now get your ass in gear 'cause we got a wedding to do today," she said as she laughed and twirled out of the room. I shook my head, picked up my travel mug and laughed at the whirlwind that is my friend.
We made it to the Cullen's in record time. With Alice's crazy ass driving I was surprised we were still in one piece. The house was always beautiful but today it was exceptional. The white columns were wrapped with tiny twinkle lights, as well as all of the trees surrounding the house. The backyard was a wonderland of fairytale proportions. The tent, which was set up for the rehearsal, had been completely redecorated.
There was a crystal chandelier hung from the center of the tent. Reaching out to each corner were long strands of various size twinkle lights. The large oak trees located near the tent had strands of larger lights and soft Japanese lanterns hanging from their branches. The guest table arrangements had been exchanged for large crystal vases. Hydrangeas, lilies and ivy adorned each table, surrounded by small crystal candle holders. Alice had freaked a few weeks ago because the birch bark she ordered for her table arrangements had been backordered. She made an emergency video conference with the florist and the new arrangements were stunning. The cake would sit just off to the side of the main tent, under a separate canopy of tulle and flowers. A dance floor had been assembled since last night and the band would be setting up shortly.
At the far end of the lawn was an archway, again draped with the same tulle and flowers, continuing the theme throughout the entire area. There were rows upon rows of white chairs. There were tall candle holders with huge cream colored candles standing sentry at every fifth row of chairs. Since the wedding was being held at twilight, the candles would cast a beautiful glow over the ceremony. There were more complimenting candelabras at the archway, where the ceremony would take place.
I stood on the veranda taking in the sights and sounds of the wedding preparations. Esme was talking with one of the servers who carried a large case of wine bottles on his way to stock the bar. I could see Carlisle and Charlie off on one side of the lawn; they seemed to be enjoying themselves already. Seth stood just to Charlie's left and I threw him a small wave when he looked up from their conversation. He faked a wolf whistle and mouthed the word 'hot' and I laughed and shook my head at his silliness. It was then that I caught a glimpse of bronze from the corner of my eye. Turning, I looked straight into the same piercing green eyes that haunted my dreams.
"Hello, Bella," Edward said with that crooked grin I loved so much.
I looked at this beautiful man standing before me; he was truly stunning. Edward was always a good looking man, but here, now, there was no more beautiful sight than him in a tuxedo.
I so desperately wanted to believe his words. Though he had been a true bastard the last few years, the Edward I knew was there; I knew that in my heart. But that man was also the one who had the power to shatter my heart in a million tiny pieces.
I thought about the conversation I had with Seth last night, his words running through my head. Tell him all of this….let him know what he's done to you.
Could I ever tell him, really tell him how much he hurt me? Edward had pleaded with me to let him in, to let him make amends for the wrongs he committed. Could I do that? Was I strong enough to find out whether his claim to still love me was real? This last year or so of my life was the most painful I ever experienced. Just when I felt that I was finally healing and could really begin to be a human again, this man walked back into my life. How could I trust him, ever? He was either lying to me now or he had lied in the past. I wasn't sure in which statement I would find the truth.
My confusion and hurt only increased with the knowledge that, one way or another, he lied to me. I was not sure which scared me more. If what he said last night was actually the truth, or the thought that what he said to me when he left was a lie, that he loved me even then but left me anyway… A breath caught in my throat at that thought. If he could have loved me then and still left me, then how could I ever let him back in?
I had lived with too many lies in my life. Swallowing all the lies Tyler had fed me, not just the few short years of our marriage but long before that. Turning my head when I knew that his stories were not adding up, until I could no longer ignore it and he brought that woman into my bed.
I shook my head as those images flickered through my head. I heard Edward clear his throat and I looked at him quizzically. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable. It was then I realized I had not responded to his greeting.
"OH! Edward, I'm sorry….hi." He chuckled lightly, and my heart fluttered in my chest at the deep rumble of his laugh. I turned my head away from his gaze, embarrassed that I had stood there for god knows how long just staring off into space, lost in my thoughts. Regardless of the fact that I had been avoiding him all week as much as possible, after last night….. I really could not do that any longer. After the conversation I had with Seth I realized I didn't want to run anymore. I wanted to have a real discussion with him, I wanted answers. So what was stopping me?
The fact that you're scared shitless of what he's going to tell you ring any bells?
I rolled my eyes at myself. Because the fact was that thought was exactly the reason I was avoiding the conversation that had to happen. I was terrified and not sure whether I wanted to hear what he had to say or not. I knew that my feelings for him were still alive and kicking, but could I be sure of his feelings ever again? And it unnerved me to no end knowing that he could still have such an effect on my body. I needed to tamp those reactions back down because I had not decided what I wanted at this point, though I knew in the deepest recesses of my heart I screamed for Edward, for his touch, for his love. But honestly, I was pissed off at him. I am no man's doormat. I may have made some extremely stupid decisions to turn my back on Tyler's extracurricular activities that were slapping me in the face, but once I knew what was going on I couldn't get him out of my house fast enough.
The thought that Edward seemed to think he could waltz back into my life, confess that he still had feelings for me, then expect me to… what? Roll over and thank him? I mean really, what was he playing at thinking he could say all those things to me? Did he just assume that by finally deciding he wanted me in his life, by claiming that he still loved me, that I would forgive him for walking out of my life? Forget how devastated I had been? Or maybe that I would tell him it was okay that he broke my heart and that I made a decision to marry a man that I only thought I loved because I knew he no longer loved me? Is that what he wanted? How could he walk back into my life and decide now that it was okay to say all these things to me?
Though… I could not, and did not, blame him for the loss of my baby or the failure of my marriage. Those were all on me. I took full responsibility for entering into a marriage with a man I did not love. Or at least not the way you should love your husband. I wanted to love Tyler like I loved……
Like you loved the man standing before you?
Please don't do that to me now. My feelings for Edward are not the issue. The problem was always his feelings for me. The problem facing me now was how to deal with the declarations Edward made. Did he really still feel for me the way he wanted me to believe? Could I trust him again? Could I let him in my heart again?
I wasn't sure… the only thing I was sure of was that I needed to know why he left. If he loved me so much how could he have let me walk away? How could he cut me out of his life so completely? Could I ever trust him? With that thought, the next realization came to me and almost knocked the wind out of me. Did I even want to trust him? I did not understand him at all and it pissed me off.
What do you want to do?
I didn't know what I wanted. I only knew that when he came back home after so long, he was a complete bastard to me for no reason. I knew that I needed answers to all the questions swimming in my head and heart. Seth was correct in his assertion that Edward was the only one who could give me those answers. The problem still remained, though; would my heart survive the aftermath when I watched him walk out of my life again? Because I was sure that, regardless of getting the answers I needed if, I opened my heart to him he would eventually leave me.
"Edward…" I hesitated, trying to control my emotions and knowing now was not the time to have this conversation. "We need to talk, and I want to but……. just not now. Not today, okay?"
I looked up to meet his eyes. I would not back down and I would have the answers I needed to move on with my life. We just needed to get through the ceremony and then we would talk. By moving on I was not sure if that would mean that I could believe Edward, or walk away from him forever. Whatever the outcome, once I got the answers I needed I would do what I had to do to get my life back.
"I can understand that, Bella…." Edward hesitated and looked out across the lawn. "But I meant what I said to you last night. We need the time to hash all this out, and I realize it's not going to be easy for you to hear what I have to say. I swear to you, Bella, I'm telling you the truth." Edward looked back into my eyes and my breath hitched when I saw the vulnerability there.
"Um….look, I really need to get back inside. I'll see you in a bit, okay?" I could only hold in the emotions warring inside me for so long, and standing here with him this close, I could not even think straight. I could hardly breathe. I was unsure which emotion was going to win out while standing there in his presence. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to punch him in the throat. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms and never let me go. And the dichotomy of those desires was tearing me apart.
"Oh, yeah… I guess I better get down there and see if there's anything I can help with before we get this show on the road." He laughed lightly and reached out as though he was going to touch my face, but when I flinched away from him he froze. My heart ached as I watched the sadness sweep across his face and his eyes closed. Curling his hand into a fist, he dropped it to his side.
"Edward…." I whispered.
"No, Bella…… don't. I understand. I shouldn't have….." His velvet voice was softer than I had ever heard it before, then he turned and walked over to join Carlisle and the other men.
~*~
I stood at the altar watching as Carlisle led an ethereally beautiful Alice down the aisle. She seemed to radiate light and happiness. Her eyes were trained on only one person today, and I looked over from where I stood to take in the same expression on Jasper's face. Edward sat at the piano, which was positioned on a platform just behind where we all stood. He would be joining Jasper and Emmett once the ceremony began. I could not remember a time I had seen Alice look more beautiful. She truly was glowing. She and Jasper were binding themselves to the other half of their soul; it was a beautiful thing to witness.
Though my happiness for them was overwhelming me, I could not stop the pang of sadness that shot through me. Alice was positive of Jasper, his feelings for her evident. He would always stand by her and knew she would do the same. I never felt that. Well, that's not entirely true. I shook my head at the knowledge that I once felt it with Edward, but he had thoroughly destroyed any of those feeling.
I watched as Carlisle placed a gentle kiss on Alice's cheek, hugged her to him, and then gave her hand to Jasper. There was no stopping the tear that slid down my cheek. My tears were for their happiness, but they were also for what could have been for Edward and me. The life we could have lived, instead of the one that we had lived… my decision of moving forward hinged on that realization. Did I want to move forward with my life, living it without Edward? Or could I find it somewhere in the shattered parts of my soul to forgive him, to accept him and believe what he was saying was true?
EPOV
"Damn woman, you're a married lady now!" Emmett laughed as he lifted my tiny sister off the ground, wrapping her in one of his infamous bear hugs.
"Emmett, put me down you idiot!" Alice laughed, slapping him on the shoulder.
"Yeah man, don't bruise my wife," Jasper drawled as he wrapped his arm around Alice's waist, pulling her into him and bending down to place a kiss on her temple. Alice was all smiles. I did not think it was possible for her to be any happier.
"Come here, baby brother. " Rosalie hugged her brother tightly.
"Hey, I'm only the baby by a minute and half ya know." Jasper winked at her as he released her from his embrace. Rosalie wiped a stray tear from her eye. "I'm so happy for you both," I heard her say as she kissed Jasper's cheek.
"Alice, girl, I love you so much. Welcome to the family!" She then hugged Alice tightly, kissing her on both cheeks.
Just then I heard the voice of my angel.
"Jasper, Alice, congratulations! It was a beautiful ceremony. I told you everything would be fine," Bella laughed as she hugged Alice to her. They had gone over the preparations again and again all week. Bella was indefinitely trying to be the calm one, talking my sister down from numerous freak outs over every little detail, reminding her of the bigger picture.
I understood why Bella would be unsure of how to take my behavior recently, and after our encounters over the last week it was even more understandable. It still hurt that there was very little headway made in our interactions with one another, though. I knew that I may have pushed too fast, too quickly by telling her I still loved her, but I could not find it in me to regret saying those words to her. But it continued to seem like there was no way for me to make amends, not when she refused to let me in.
Learning what I had about her experiences and loss, I understood that she might never want me in her life again. My heart ached at that very real possibility. Bella had not once looked at me; keeping her eyes averted each time I tried to catch her attention. Would she truly never be able to forgive what I had done? How could I ever make her believe what I told her last night was true? Honestly, how could she believe me? It was a simple fact that she had to choose which scenario she would believe. Would she take the words I spoke so many years ago along with my actions over the years since and safely bet that those were words of truth? I could not blame her if that was her conclusion. I could only pray that she would allow me to prove my true feelings for her, to worship at her altar as I should have, instead of wasting the time pushing everyone out of my life.
A deep, male voice pulled me from my musings.
Seth shook hands with Jasper and bent to kiss Alice on the cheek, giving her a quick hug.
"Edward, have you met Bella's friend, Seth?" Emmett was the one to speak up, addressing the elephant in the room, so to speak. My body was tense. I had to quell the raging jealousy that was coursing through my body. Swallowing the bile that was at the back of my throat, I responded with calmness in my voice that belied the turmoil in my body.
"No, I haven't." I offered a hand to Seth. I would be lying if I didn't admit to the fact that we were sizing each other up.
"Well, Edward Cullen, this is Seth Clearwater. Seth Clearwater, Edward Cullen." Emmett handled the introductions like a seasoned moderator as he threw me a look, a warning to keep my smartass mouth shut. I had shown my ass more times than warranted recently, so I could not blame Emmett for feeling as though he must remind me to be on better behavior tonight.
"Nice to finally meet you, Edward. I've heard a lot about you." Seth took my hand with a firm grasp, looking me straight in the eye. I was not sure if his meaning behind the words was a warning or what, but the look on Bella's face after he said them had not escaped my attention.
"Uh….if you two are finished with your little pissing match here... Seth, I'd like to get a drink before we take our seats." She shot me a look of complete annoyance. Of course, Bella was right. Where did I get off thinking it was okay sizing up her date?
She's not yours!
Bella laid a hand on Seth's arm, gaining his attention. He acknowledged me with a nod and walked away with his arm around Bella's shoulders. I watched as they made their way to the bar.
I felt a big hand slap me on the back, and Emmett said "Man, I swear to you they're just friends. It's really not how it looks. But dude, the two of you need to straighten your shit out."
"Em, I have every intention of making sure that I never make those same mistakes. And I've tried talking to her, Em, she's not ready to hear what I have to say." I shook my head and looked over at my friend.
Emmett was always the jovial, happy go lucky goof of our group, but there were times when he could be serious. When he chose to be, he was a very intuitive person. He and Bella were very similar in that regard.
"Don't give up, man. She's been through the shit, you know that now. Just don't give up; she needs you more than even she knows. You know I love ya man, but don't hurt her again."
Emmett patted my back once more before taking Garrett from Rosalie and heading off in the same direction as Bella and Seth. Rose gave me a sad smile, placing a hand on my arm she whispered before following her husband, "She'll come around, Edward. Give her time."
~*~
"Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please." Carlisle clinked his wine glass to gain everyone's attention, and when all eyes were on him he smiled, winking at Alice.
"I had planned on saying something poignant and I had a speech written out, but…" Carlisle cleared his throat as the emotions of today were clearly getting the best of him. Looking down at Alice, smiling at her, he continued. "Well, today I was faced with a situation that every father dreads from the day the doctors place that tiny pink bundle in your arms. I had to let go of my little girl. Alice, I realize that you're not a little girl, you're a married woman now, but don't ever forget that you will always be my little girl. Always." Carlisle bent to place a kiss on top of Alice's head. The tears were streaming down her face and I heard Esme's quiet sniffles and watched as she dabbed at the corner of her eye.
"And to Jasper….what can I say to you, son? You have been a part of this family all your life, the fact that it's now official changes nothing for the way we feel about you. You have and will always be another son to me. I love you both very much. Thank you, Jasper, for making my Alice such a happy woman. Love one another, be honest with one another, and I wish you nothing but beautiful days in your future together."
It was then Emmett's turn to share a toast. I looked over to catch the nervous look that washed over my sister's face. I chuckled to myself because she probably had good reason to be somewhat concerned. You just never knew what was going to come out of Emmett's mouth. The mountain of a man stood and, clearing his throat, smirked at Alice before picking up his wine glass.
"Well, Carlisle, that was really a beautiful toast. And, I guess those of you who know me realize that I am not as eloquent as Carlisle," Emmett chuckled. "But I do want to tell these two that," he winked at Alice, "there are no two people more perfect for one another. Jasper, Alice, I know you thought I would get up here and be my usual self but….today isn't for that. You two have begun a walk together, it's not easy but I know that you two will always be what the other needs. Jasper, brother, you have been my brother for more years than those since I married your sister." Emmett smiled at Rosalie, who took his hand in hers. "And now the little pixie is truly my sister. I want you to know that I love you both and I wish you only happiness. Congratulations." Emmett raised his glass in salute to the couple. I looked at my sister again and saw the tears in her eyes. My mother was also in tears, doing nothing to hide it as she stood and took Emmett in her arms for a hug.
I turned just as Bella stood to take her turn. Her signature blush was just beginning to kiss her cheeks, and I noticed her eyes were moist as well.
A soft lilting laugh escaped her perfect lips as she looked up, meeting my gaze. "Wow…..I have to say that I really didn't know my brother had all that in him." A laugh rose from the guests that were familiar with Emmett's usual inappropriate comments. "Emmett, I have to say that was possibly the most serious thing that has ever come out of your mouth. " Bella broke eye contact with me to look at her brother, a smile on her face. Turning her attention back to Jasper and Alice, she continued her speech. "It's funny, I've tried all week to put together the right words for what I would say tonight and nothing seemed appropriate for what I wanted to say to you two. So last night I decided that the best thing I could do was to speak to each of you from my heart." She dropped her eyes to look at the table for a moment, composing herself as her voice had begun to quiver as the emotions became overwhelming. When she began to speak again her voice was stronger and she looked straight at me, though she spoke to Jasper and Alice. "Many of your guests tonight don't know how you two have been here for me over the last year. There have been so many times that both of you came to my rescue and…..the way you've been my friend, and loved me through it all." She paused for only a moment, turning her gaze back to Jasper and Alice. "There are just no words for me to express how much you both mean to me. I can never thank you enough for simply being who you are. The two of you amaze me in your love for one another. Each of you completes the other and it's beautiful to see how you are truly two parts of one whole. I envy that….I'm so glad that you have one another. "
Bella turned her intense gaze upon me, once again looking straight into my soul as she spoke her next words. "I hope to someday find what you have. That one person that makes you whole, to know that your other half is safe and held inside the heart of the only person you could ever love completely. Love one another, be kind to one another, be honest and don't ever let each other go. I love you both. Congratulations, I wish you happiness and love for the rest of your days together."
I dropped my head. I knew that much of Bella's speech was directed at me, most especially the part about being honest and never letting each other go. I was neither with Bella. I was not honest in how I felt about her and I most certainly let her go.
It was then that the band's lead singer made the announcement that it was time for the bride and grooms first dance. Jasper stood, offering his hand to my sister, leading her onto the dance floor as the band began playing Amazed byLonestar.
Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
My eyes locked with Bella's and the rest of the world melted away. The song was no longer for my sister and her new husband but for this woman who continued to hold my heart in her hands. We never broke eye contact as the song continued.
I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you
Bella wasn't running, she was meeting me head on. Was that a positive sign? Did this mean she was ready to listen to what I had to say? I could only pray that she finally might allow me to explain my decision to let her go… I was not sure if there was a way to make things right, even after I explained my reasons for leaving, but I had faint hope. I needed that hope to make it through.
Bella continued to stare into my eyes as the song came to an end. I prayed that whatever she needed to see, she would find in my gaze. Jasper and Alice made their way back toward our table when Bella finally looked away as Seth whispered something in her ear; she smiled at him and nodded her head. I watched as Bella talked with Seth, laughed with him so easily, touching him with a familiarity that made my stomach turn and my heart clench.
Bella looked up and met my gaze again for a brief moment before turning to speak to Rosalie. I shifted in my seat under the uncomfortable feeling of nausea at the crumbling of my hopes for making Bella believe in me again. I wasn't sure she would ever give me the chance to prove to her I was making the changes within myself to be the man she needed. Remembering why I let her go all those years ago, my reasoning no longer carried the same weight it did when I was eighteen. And the decision to stay away from her, to cut her out of my life altogether, was even less convincing in hindsight of the actions of a man who loved a woman. Knowing what I knew now, they seemed even more selfish than before.
The band began the selection for the father daughter dance, My Little Girl by Tim McGraw. Jasper handed his bride off to Carlisle and I watched as my father spun Alice around the dance floor. She was the picture of happiness and perfection, the way a bride should look on her wedding day.
"She really is a beautiful bride, isn't she?" Esme whispered in my ear as we watched my father and sister twirl on the dance floor. The errant thought of Bella dancing at her wedding with Charlie flitted through my mind, and the melancholy deepened with the images. I looked out, taking in the scene of my father and sister in rapt happiness. As the song ended, Carlisle placed a gentle kiss on Alice's forehead and smiled at her. I could see the emotion on his face; he was doing his best to rein it in. Carlisle and Alice turned, making their way back to join us at our table.
"Yes, she really is. She's happy," I agreed. "Would you like to dance?" I stood and offered my hand for Esme.
"Oh darling, I thought you'd never ask," Esme giggled, taking my hand. I led her onto the floor and we began a slow waltz. Esme had made sure that Alice and I took dance lessons when we were kids. This had been something that her sister, my real mother, had begun before her death and Esme had continued when I came to live with them permanently.
From the corner of my eye, I watched as Seth led Bella onto the floor as well. Everyone, including Emmett, had assured me that she and Seth were nothing more than friends. I wanted that to be true, but there was no way I could fight the jealousy choking me. It overtook every fiber of my body.
"Edward, child, if you don't stop glaring at that boy like that, you're never going to get on Bella's good side," Esme scolded.
I looked at my mother, a sly smile playing at her lips. Esme and I continued to dance as I was lost in my thoughts of Bella and how I would get her to listen to me, to at least tell her the truth before she decided to walk out of my life forever. I bent and kissed Esme on the cheek when the song ended, leading her back to our table. I made a split second decision and, most likely, if I had thought about my next actions I would have stopped myself.
"Dance with me?" I whispered.
Bella looked at me, her eyes wide as fear, sadness, and quite possibly anger crossed her face before she nodded slightly. Placing my hand on the small of her back, I led her to the dance floor.
"You look amazing tonight, Bella," I whispered in her ear as we stepped onto the floor and I wrapped my arms around her. I pulled her body tightly into mine, relishing in the feeling of her this close, in my arms where she belonged.
There were so many things we needed to say to one another, and all of the things I wanted to tell her were running through my head. But… in this moment it was enough just to hold her. The familiarity of her in my arms made my heart ache for what we once had, for what I had thrown away. I burned for what we could rebuild, if she would only let me. I ached for the chance to be the one she gave her love to, again.
I would get down on my hands and knees and fucking beg this woman to give me another chance if that's what it took to gain her forgiveness, to gain a second chance. Though I knew this wasn't the time, I could not stop the words from tumbling forth.
"Bella….please, I know that I don't deserve a second chance. But can you-"
"Don't, please," she whispered in a barely audible voice. "I can't Edward, not now." I looked into her chocolate eyes, the tears brimming. I knew I was pushing the issue; I just could not stop myself. I had wasted so much time. The time away from her had been for naught and I did not want to spend any more not being with this woman, not worshipping her for the wonderful person that she was.
"I can't do this now, Edward…..I don't understand you. I don't…..just please don't ask me now to forgive you. I can't, not now. I lo -"She stopped herself. Whatever she was about to say had frightened her and she looked at me, her eyes wild. The hand resting on my shoulder tightened into a fist and she shook her head, closing her eyes and cutting me off from the emotions I could read there.
"Bella, I just need to explain. Just let me do that and then you can decide where we go from there?" I whispered as I tightened my arm around her waist, pulling her into me more closely.
"God, Edward, I am so angry with you. Please, don't ask this of me …….please don't ask. I know we need to talk, you have things you want to say and I have things I need answers to. But I can't…..I can't do it right now, okay? I can't say to you what I want, not right now. It hurts too much and I just can't…..I won't survive it when you change your mind again. I can't, I won't be a mistake that you're trying to rectify. I don't know what you expect but I...Just, not now Edward." Her body was trembling with the emotions. I was not sure if it was anger or fear or sadness, all of those had passed over her features before she closed her eyes.
My heart sank at the words she spoke. She truly thought I would walk away from her again, that I could walk away again. Without opening her eyes she shook her head again and pulled out of my arms just as the song came to an end, walking away without a backward glance. I stood in the middle of the dance floor, watching her as she made her way back to Seth's side. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and as I met his eyes I saw the look of sadness on his face as well. I could not stop the fear that gripped me as I watched her walk away with him this time.
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