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Harry lay still. He had been awake for a while now. He had woken up when Bella had burst through the doors. His thoughts had returned and he felt relatively calmer now. Everything inside him was aching though. His heart, his mind, his soul, they were aching like hell. He had been lamenting the fact that Voldemort hadn't left anything behind for him and now…...now he should be overjoyed. After all, Voldemort had left him the most precious gift of them all. A life, a tiny existence that was inevitable proof of the bond they shared.
Harry tried to be happy. He tried to coax his heart to feel the joy but the ache was too deep. Two miscarriages. It must have been before the miscarriage he'd had after Destrian's death. How could Voldemort hide something like that from him? He tried to remember, to pinpoint exactly when it must have happened. But he couldn't think. Maybe he didn't want to think. His heart and mind refused to go anywhere that would lead him to resent Voldemort. He loved the man and nothing, no lie or hidden truth could ever change that. That had been the past and he wasn't going to allow it to ruin his present.
This child was all that he had now. A reason for him to live, his shimmering gold thread of hope. Maybe Voldemort would return to him if he found out. He wanted him to be here. He wanted to be held and comforted by him. He wanted his arms around him, his soft tender kisses on his skin, his possessive hold. He yearned for it. All of it. He needed Voldemort. He needed him more than anything now.
But Voldemort wasn't here. Instead there was a ton of responsibilities waiting for him. First and foremost was the dinner he had arranged, personally invited everyone to and then vanished. By what Bella had said, it was still underway and he could still fix it. He could always brood later when he was alone. Right now, he needed his façade back. He needed to show that he was strong enough to handle himself.
Harry pushed the ache, the need, his thoughts, his grief to the deepest pits of his heart and mind and opened his eyes. He was instantly met by Sirius's worried gaze. Harry forced his lips to curve up into a smile and attempted to raise himself into a sitting position. Sirius immediately rested a hand on his shoulder,
"Harry, relax."
It took Harry everything ounce of willpower inside him to keep his smile in place,
"I'm fine, Sirius."
He sat up and looked around to find the twins with tear streaked faces clutching Sanguini and staring at him concernedly. That same expression was mirrored on Bella's face. As much as he was glad to know that he finally had what seemed like a family, there was a gaping hole that no one but Voldemort could fill. Harry resisted the urge to look beside him at what used to be Voldemort's side of the bed. Nope. He was not going to think about that,
"All of you look like someone died."
Sirius immediately chided him,
"Harry!"
Harry spoke in a matter of fact voice,
"What? Seriously you all look like it."
Sirius smoothed his hands over his face and Harry saw the twins' and Sanguini smile softly. Bella on the other hand looked utterly conflicted. Sirius finally spoke,
"You remember what happened? All of it?"
Oh, so Sirius thought he had forgotten it all. He wasn't likely to forget something like that even if someone obliviated him,
"Yes, I remember, Sirius. And from what I remember, we should be celebrating. There are guests downstairs and I think it's extremely rude to keep them waiting."
Harry nudged Sirius to get up. Sirius was staring at him wild eyed and incredulous as if he had lost his mind. Maybe he had but right now he had guests to meet and socialize with and there was no time to waste. Harry got out of bed and stepped in front of the mirror. He looked like death. Maybe that's why Sirius and everyone else had been staring at him like that,
"Just give me a minute to clean up. I'll be down in a while."
Sirius stepped closer to him and rested his hand on his shoulder. Harry saw the concern in his eyes through the reflection in the mirror. He smiled again but he knew it didn't fool him. Sanguini spoke softly,
"We'll see you downstairs, Harry."
He maneuvered the twins out of the room. Bella followed close behind, the conflicted expression still plastered on her face. When the door closed. Sirius turned Harry around and forced him to face him,
"Why don't you cry, Harry? It'll ease that burden on your chest."
Harry met Sirius's gaze and let his smile slip,
"I won't cry. I haven't cried since the day he left me because if I did that would mean that I admit it's over. And it's not over, not by a long shot. He'll come back to me. I know he will. He has to."
Before he knew it, Sirius had him wrapped up in a tight embrace,
"Harry, I don't know how to comfort you. Tell me. What can I do to make it all better? I can't bear to see you like this. You can fool everyone with that smile but not me. You're hurting inside, Harry, and I'm afraid that it'll consume you whole. I don't want to watch that happen. I've seen you go through enough pain already."
Harry pulled away from Sirius,
"You can't. There's nothing you can do to make it better. Only he can. I'll only be better if he's here with me again. But until that day arrives, I'll hold on. I'll bear it all and I'll be fine. Trust me, Sirius."
Sirius patted his cheek,
"I trust you, Harry. But you're not the only one I'm worried about now."
Harry held Sirius's gaze,
"I won't let anything happen to it. It's my life now."
Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple,
"I'm here for you. Just remember that."
And with that he stepped out of the room. Harry turned back to the mirror. The pain was visible on his pain. He was making an effort but it wasn't good enough. He needed to work harder on his acting.
After splashing water over his face, righting his hair and changing into a clean, unrumpled pair of robes, he stepped out of the room and made his way downstairs.
Wearing his smile, he walked into the hall and watched as everyone rose from their seats to greet him. Harry nodded and smiled as he passed the death eaters, telling them to sit down and making his way to the head of the table, where the delegations were seated. He apologized to them after exchanging polite snippets of conversation with them, walked towards Remus who embraced him gently,
"You knew, didn't you? You found out before Sanguini did. Why didn't you tell me?"
Remus rubbed his back gently,
"Harry, I couldn't. I knew you would react like that and I couldn't be the one to hurt you. How are you now?"
Harry whispered softly,
"I'm fine. Don't worry."
He pulled away from Remus and took his seat. Sanguini passed him a wan smile and Harry glanced at the twins who looked a bit relaxed. Sirius was seated to his right beside Bellatrix who was still regarding him with a mixed expression. She looked utterly confused and that confused Harry. It was Sirius that spoke,
"You need to eat, Harry."
A plate laden with food appeared in front of Harry, enough for two. Harry couldn't help but grin. Even the castle was fussing over him now. He picked up his knife and fork and got started on his steak. He had just thought about water when a glass appeared next to his plate. After downing the water, he looked up only to be met with disbelieving glances,
"What?"
Sirius pointed to his plate and glass,
"How did you do that?"
Fred and George exchanged knowing glances and then asked together,
"Yeah how do you do that?"
Harry laughed softly and shook his head,
"Magic."
He returned to his food before anyone could ask him anything else. He didn't want anyone to know. This was one of the many secrets he would hold close to his heart. Maybe he was selfish to do so but he had the right to be a bit selfish, didn't he?
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