The loud beeping of the alarm on her phone bolted Lauren awake. Not wanting to wake Bo, Lauren fumbled for her phone to silence it.
Bo grunted and stirred, but remained asleep. Lauren's hazy gaze landed on Bo, captivated by her sleeping form. She was always so beautiful in the mornings, with her face relaxed and her hair disheveled. Lauren fought the urge to run her hands down Bo's body and wake her.
Instead, she took a moment and snuggled against her side. Brimming with emotions, her senses soaked Bo in, and she reflected on their relationship.
So many months ago, Bo's devastating beauty had hit Lauren, instantly. But more than that, she felt drawn to her as if an invisible rope bound her waist and Bo was on the other end, pulling her in. Every inch of Bo seemed to have been painstakingly crafted to perfection, and she seemed to bleed charm from her very pores.
It was a magnetic attraction at first sight, and their maddeningly physical connection seemed to translate into every part of their relationship. But it had grown deeper than that, it was more for Lauren now.
Filled with Bo's warmth, she was tempted to lean over and whisper that she loved her in her ear. But she stayed quiet, she clamped her lips together to stop the words because she was afraid of saying it too soon.
When she met Bo, love was the absolute last thing on her mind, but there she was in love with her girlfriend. So many times she wanted to say the words. Just tell her how much she loved her, but courage always eluded her. Honestly, she was waiting for Bo to say it first. She knew that wasn't fair. Maybe it was the leftover insecurities from what happened with Nadia. She was afraid of being completely vulnerable, giving Bo her heart, with the risk of being rejected and having her throw it back in her face. Perhaps she was just projecting her own fears and insecurities onto Bo and was making some unfair presumptions. Maybe she should just say it…
She inched closer. She rubbed her leg against Bo's thigh, and a wayward strand of her hair fell over Bo's cheek.
Letting out a long yawn, Bo's eyes blinked open. "Morning, beautiful. Did you sleep well?"
Bo barely cast a glance at her. That hurt Lauren for some reason. "Pretty well."
Bo buried her face in the pillows. "You can shower first," She mumbled, still only half awake.
Grinning, Lauren whispered in Bo's ear. "Why don't you join me?" She feathered kisses down Bo's face. "We can spend the next twenty minutes washing each other."
"No, go ahead. You have class." Bo said, pulling away from Lauren and turning over onto her stomach. "I'll sleep a bit longer."
Lauren couldn't help but notice the edge in Bo's tone. It stung her a little, and she jerked up. She placed her hand on Bo's back, and asked, "Are you sure?"
Bo let out an audible groan and pulled a pillow over her head.
Thrown by that response, hurt coiled in Lauren's heart as she made her way into Bo's bathroom.
Bo had been growing distant for two weeks. She couldn't really place what was different, but it was something. Bo had been working more and more at the bar, and they didn't see each other most nights. Whenever Lauren was free, Bo wasn't.
But it was hard to be upset with Bo, it would be unfair. She couldn't expect Bo to live her life around her schedule. Bo needed her life, and to have her own priorities. Lauren could understand that, so she wondered why it bothered her.
Education first, Bo second. That's how it was from the beginning and maybe Bo was starting to feel bothered by that. Bo told her once that she was selfish, but Lauren couldn't shake the feeling that she had been more selfish in their relationship than Bo. Had she done enough to make room for Bo in her life? It was hard but opening her life up to Bo, really letting her in was the right move.
She needed to force herself to remember there was more to life than medical school. Maybe she was the problem. She needed to do better, adjust her priorities. With Spring Break approaching, she would have extra time off to spend with Bo. It was time for her to show Bo how important she was to her, how much she meant to her.
Leaning against the shower wall, her fingertips traced the curves of her face. She recalled each romantic and touching thing Bo had ever done for her or said to her. She was being silly, letting doubts control her thinking. Bo was probably tired and overworked. Lauren knew what that was like after all.
After spending a long time in the shower thinking, Lauren pulled herself together and got ready for class. After cleaning up the bathroom, she walked into Bo's bedroom. Bo was still in bed. Maybe she was overthinking things, making something out of nothing.
She eased down on the edge of the bed and brushed Bo's shoulder. "Are you going to class, today?"
Bo grumbled as she rolled over to look at Lauren. "No. I don't want to."
"What are you going to do today?"
Bo fisted the sleep from her eyes. "Not sure," She said, her voice flat.
Leaning over, Lauren gave her a quick kiss. "I should go. I don't want to be late."
"Okay," Bo said, flinging the sheet back. "So, I'll see you tonight?"
Lauren desperately tried to unglue her tongue to say something-anything-that might alleviate her growing uneasiness. But she couldn't, the words, the right words, didn't exist in her mind. Unable to speak for fear of a shaky voice, Lauren just nodded. She didn't want to sound upset because maybe Bo's distance was all in her mind.
Without another word or a parting kiss, Bo jumped out of bed and ambled into the bathroom.
XXXXX
When Bo looked at herself in the mirror, she frowned in disgust. Her once lively eyes held no semblance of life. Lauren's pained face and confused eyes invaded Bo's conscience. "I'm a fucking asshole," She muttered under her breath.
Defeated, she turned on the shower. Standing under the hot water, she let it pound and burn her skin. She rolled her shoulders from the restlessness the hung thick around her. The one that cloaked and suffocated her since the night on the pier. Emotions, like she had never known, entered her that day, but instead of embracing and celebrating it, she kept railing against it.
Squeezing her eyes closed, she banged her head against the shower wall. The emotion upheaval wrecked her physically. The distance she created between her and Lauren tore her apart emotionally. Her doubts, her worries created a wedge between them. She felt it. She was sure Lauren felt it as well.
The more she was in Lauren's presence, the more she grew to love her, but the more she felt like she was suffocating. So, like a real selfish coward, she tried to avoid Lauren as much as possible. She didn't know what to do, but she knew something had to give. She just wanted it all to stop.
She was emotionally shut off. She was in uncharted territory, and all her thoughts were irrational, and at odds.
Bo didn't like it one bit. She fell in love, she loved Lauren, but that only meant one thing, now she had everything to lose. Someone to lose.
Leaving any and all emotions at the door, and replacing it with detachment had always been easy. Letting herself love Lauren made her feel too vulnerable. Attraction, sex, passion, love, and then ultimately heartbreak. That seemed like the likely order of any relationship. And that's why she'd always stopped herself at the sex part.
After her shower, she sat alone in the darkness of her apartment for hours. She would reach for her phone to call Lauren and then she stopped herself.
The growing, persistent unease crept beneath her skin for days. The more she tried to ignore it, the more unbearable it became. Kenzi once told her that the urgent need to run away from things before they went wrong was like a defense mechanism. And she wished she could call her sister and talk it through. Outside of Lauren, she didn't feel like a single person was in her corner. But how could she open up and talk to Lauren about any of this? It would hurt her.
Days upon days, her mind lingered on thoughts of just breaking up with Lauren. To get away from her, to erase the mark she'd left on her if that was even possible. But that wasn't something she was prepared for, yet the thoughts stayed, her fear wouldn't allow them to disappear. She was suffering knowing she loved Lauren when she didn't feel she deserved her. Of course, she didn't, just look at how she was reacting to falling in love. Confusion in the most brutal form tightened around her like a noose. Why was she in the deepest turmoil of her life, when she should be happy? Clearly, she was more self-destructive and messed up than she'd ever known.
She liked to believe she was an adult, but she felt like nothing but a stupid kid. And maybe she still was.
XXXX
On the way to the bar, Bo dug her phone out of her jacket pocket. Glancing down at the screen, she grimaced. A text from Lauren. "See you tonight." She clicked the side button, darkening the screen, without replying to Lauren.
The bar was packed with sweaty, drunk college kids. The spring semester was in full swing, and the bar was busy every night. Bo walked over to the bar and stood at the end. Piper winked at her.
"Need help tonight?" Bo asked with her eyes on the growing crowd.
Piper laughed, opening some beer bottles. "You're just asking because you want my tips!"
Bo made a face and sighed deeply. "I'm saving up for a new apartment. I could use the money."
Piper passed drinks across the bar. "Alright."
Shame echoed through her when she felt relieved about being needed at work. "I need to call my girlfriend, first," She said, as she retrieved her phone.
"Whipped!" Piper teased, as Bo walked to the back.
Lauren answered quickly. "Hey," She said happily into the phone. "I'm so glad you called. I was thinking tonight we could…"
"Babe," Bo cut her off, her stomach was in knots. "I feel like a jerk. I wish I didn't have to, but I have to work tonight. Piper's swamped, and I could really use the money."
Bo's words hung there, and Lauren didn't say anything.
"Will you say something?" Bo asked, growing impatient because Lauren's reaction was making her feel bad. "I'm sorry."
"Do you want me to come over after?" Lauren asked, hopefully. "I was really looking forward to seeing you."
Bo sighed and rubbed her eyes. "No, I think it'll be a late night. You should study or something. I know you love doing that."
"What do you mean by that? I study because I have to. I think my future patients will appreciate my thoroughness."
"Yeah, I get it. Medical school is super important. Being a doctor is super important." Part of her froze when those words escaped from her mouth because she knew that was a low blow, and would hurt Lauren.
"Well, I don't think I deserve these passive aggressive comments. Wow, you're moody. What's wrong?"
"I'm moody because you're trying to make me feel guilty about working when I always have to be understanding about your schedule."
"That's certainly not what I was doing," Lauren replied, in a slightly raised voice.
Bo cringed at herself. Yep, she thought, I'm an asshole.
"Look, I'm sorry," Bo said softly, "I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"Yeah, okay. I…" Lauren went silent for a moment. "Have a great night."
An hour into her shift, Bo walked across the bar, shame ate at her for picking a fight with her girlfriend, purposefully avoiding her. She didn't understand what she was doing.
She scurried across the bar to get a drink order, and a man collided into her. He seemed completely drunk, making obnoxious comments. After a short pause, Bo muttered and turned around. Glancing his eyes over Bo's body, he smacked her on the ass.
Bo saw red, blinding rage. It was too much. She spun around and shoved him back until he crashed into a table. She was used to dealing with drunks, in a weird way, she usually felt more at ease with drunks, but not that day.
All eyes fell on her, and the customers quieted. They were all waiting to see what happened next.
"Bo, you've proved your point," Piper shouted from across the bar. "Go home." She jerked her head to the door as she made drinks.
Still breathing heavy, and shaking from anger, Bo tore off her apron, turned on her heels and left without saying a word.
She really should have called her girlfriend.
She didn't.
She should really have gone home.
She didn't.
Instead, she decided to find the nearest party she could. She shouldn't care. She was twenty-one, this was the life expected of college-aged adults. She needed an evening to escape, to relax, a playground to lose herself. It felt like acceptance like she was embracing her character flaws. Or, at least, that's what she told herself.
XXXX
The music pumped loudly through the speakers as Bo entered the house. She made her way through the crowd of sweaty, drunken bodies. Her body was saturated with the sounds of the bass, yelling, and giggling girls. She took in the chaos around her, feeling at home. This was a scene she recognized well, she was transported back to a simpler time, to a simpler Bo. No one was around to witness bad behavior or even care. It was easy, relaxed fun. Or, at least, it should be.
She sat on a couch and immediately was handed a joint. She assessed it a moment and wondered if it was laced with anything. She glanced up at the wafting white smoke hovering above them. She didn't take a hit, only passed it along. The house was so full of smoke, and she felt like she was high already. She didn't speak to anyone as she let her head fall back against the sofa cushion.
The guy beside her looked at her with sleepy, red-rimmed eyes. "Do I know you?"
Bo sighed, she wanted to be left alone and lose herself in the crowd. "No," She said, barely paying attention.
His eyebrows crinkled in as confusion shadowed his face. "I'm pretty sure I know you." He took a drag and held his breath for a few seconds before hacking out a puff of smoke. "You look so familiar," He said, still coughing.
A glass broke across the room, laughter, yelling and chanting followed.
"You're wrong," Bo stood up, annoyed with the conversation and getting increasingly bored with the scene. Losing herself wasn't working, it only reminded her of how much her life was different. Did she really miss all this? Random people, random hook ups, countless types of debauchery? Lauren's laugh, her shy, sweet smile, her eyes, her voice all flooded her mind. Bo could feel Lauren all around her; she might as well have been standing next to her. Why the hell was she there, and not at home warm and safe with her girlfriend? It was like she was possessed with stupidity and confusion.
Maybe a party had been a terrible idea.
She pushed her way to the door, seeing two guys throwing punches, making a mess of everything around them. She needed air. She paused before walking out and found her phone. It was time to get back to her regularly scheduled life. To be free from the burdens, from the confusion.
Without giving herself time to rethink her decision she typed out a message to Lauren. "I can't do this. I'm sorry." She immediately turned the phone off, for fear of Lauren's response.
She was throwing happiness away with both hands. Sabotaging her relationship, just because she could. Because she was a selfish, coward and nothing more.
She was just a hollow shell of a woman. Reprehensible. Unforgivable. A coward.
She had done it, she was free. But freedom from the choking and suffocating emotions didn't come. Instead, they felt more intense and tighter around her. Instead of feeling relief or freedom, she felt nothing but misery.
Standing outside with a brand-new pack of cigarettes in her hand, she absently, hit the end of it against her palm, and then tore it open.
A woman approached Bo, her high heels clicked with her steps. And then her plump red lips curved into a grin. "Looks like you need a light."
Bo didn't, but she took the lighter anyway. She handed Bo a lighter, letting her fingers linger on Bo's hand longer than it should have. Her whole body tensed, and her mind flashed to her first conversation with Lauren. An ache rolled through her chest. Closing her eyes, she tried to forget. She loved Lauren but she was intentionally ripping her from her life.
The woman watched Bo light it. Bo tried to hand the lighter back, but the woman winked and said. "Keep it."
Bo pocketed the lighter and stared at the burning paper nestled between her fingers. She took a drag from her cigarette, and the woman reached her hand out and took it from Bo's hand. With her eyes locked on Bo, she dragged it in.
Bo's eyebrows rose, as she watched her. She was at a loss for words on how to handle this woman's advances. She was the prey at that moment. Normally, she would have taken the lead from the moment she approached. She should probably just tell her to leave her alone, but she didn't.
The woman handed the cigarette back to Bo. "Since we're both out here, we might as well chat," She said as she blew smoke from her lips and smiled.
Bo stared blankly at the woman. Her shattered thoughts were everywhere, she slowly registered her words. "What do you want to talk about?" Bo asked, collecting her thoughts.
"Are you here with someone?" She made a show of running her gaze over every inch of Bo.
Bo put the cigarette to her lips and shook her head. No, she thought, my Lauren is at home probably feeling hurt and confused, crushed and devastated for ever trusting someone like her.
The woman's lips twitched with a smile. "I must be just the luckiest woman at this party to have stumbled upon a hot-looking girl with no date. I guess my horoscope was right, after all."
That's a killer pick-up line, Bo thought with an inward cringe. Once upon a time, she might have said something similar to a stranger. Boy, she must have been really obnoxious.
"You look like the type of girl I should stay away from," She said, with a show of licking her lips.
Bo winced, another move she might have used. "Probably," She said, trying to ignore her mounting guilt.
Walk away, a sharp voice echoed in her mind. Stop. This. Now. That was the voice of Bo's conscience, trying to prevent her from making a serious mistake. The biggest mistake of her life. So why wasn't she listening to it?
Bo started questioning every decision. Why was she there? What was she doing? Despite the needle of guilt pricking her chest, she didn't walk away.
The woman cocked her head to the side and grinned coyly. "You know my ride took off. So, now I'm here all alone," She said, suggestively.
Bo's heartbeat blasted in her chest as the weight of that statement crashed over her. Her mind and heart fought against each other. She had been down this road many, many times before. She knew exactly what she was insinuating. She felt like she was cheating on Lauren by even talking to this woman. She blew out the smoke she was holding, annoyed.
If she made a move, she probably wouldn't object to having sex in the bathroom right then. And maybe once, Bo would have done just that.
She needed to walk away and go to Lauren. Apologize, beg for forgiveness. If she were a good person, a person who deserved Lauren, she would walk away. Her mind screamed at her feet to get moving, but she found herself rooted in place.
But then the suffocating weight of everything bore down on her. She never wanted any of it. But Lauren made her love her. The pressure of trying, of living up to expectations had broken her. She was never going to be all Lauren needed her to be. Literally everyone she knew told her she was a screw-up. So, why not just embrace it? It was all too abundantly clear she was a bad person. She ran from Lauren, because she loved her, she didn't think anything could get more fucked up than that. It that wasn't the very definition of self-sabotage, she didn't know what was.
Bo gazed at the end of her cigarette, the ashes fell away as the fire climbed the paper. "I have my car here," She croaked to the woman.
She gave Bo a seductive smile. "That's wonderful," She replied, her voice a purr. "Don't you want my name?"
Bo shrugged, no apology in her eyes. "Is it needed? Do you want to get out of here or what?" She asked, trying to revert back to her former self by bottling the feelings that were brewing inside her.
"Do you live around here?" She asked, inching closer to Bo.
Even though she chatted non-stop the entire car ride, Bo didn't hear her. She nodded her head from time to time, and that seemed to satisfy her. All she could think about was that this was her real self. She had to purge all these feelings from her system. She tried to ignore the churning in her stomach. She glanced at herself in the mirror and felt revulsion. A moment later, she felt nothing. The pressure just broke her, and for the rest of the night, she didn't think about Lauren or the fact that her actions were breaking her own heart as well as Lauren's. This was her true self, selfish, uncaring to the core. Lauren deserved better than that, than her. Bo wasn't good enough for anyone but just another lying, cheating scumbag.
Back at her apartment, she grabbed the tequila off her kitchen counter. She already made the decision about what would happen that night, and she planned on getting hammered. No way she would excuse her behavior because of alcohol. She was creating this mess herself, no one was to blame but her.
Sex had always been a way of making her feel better, masking all other emotions, but she felt light-headed, hollow, and empty.
She tossed a shot down her throat, and then another. For the next hour, Bo became mindlessly buzzed. The many shots of tequila caught up with her. She was in a drunken stupor, just like she wanted. Her emotions were black, and her heart was just about there.
All thoughts vacuumed out of her mind as she started walking down the hallway, with the bottle in hand, and then turned back. "Come on."
XXXXX
"Never have I ever had a sex dream about Lauren."
Lauren's eyes widened, and then she glared at Dyson. "Oh, come on. That's not fair."
Heat instantly spread to Jules' cheeks, and she tore her eyes away from Lauren.
Tara's head fell back as she laughed at Lauren. "Are you afraid of the answers." She chuckled and turned to the group. She picked up one of the shot glasses and touched it to her lips. "Be honest people."
"But does it count if she was a mermaid at the time?" Dyson asked, teasing Lauren.
Choking and sputtering, Lauren chimed in. "Ew. I hope you're joking."
Everyone started laughing but Lauren.
Ciara shot Dyson a warning glare. "Don't be rude to your friend, Dyson." She shoved his arm. "Don't embarrass her."
Connor made a face and gaped at Dyson. "That is such a disturbing image. I can't…but it is a little hot…"
"I hate this game." Lauren cut him off and touched her forehead to the table.
Tara waved her hand at Lauren. "You know the rules people drink up."
Lauren kept her head down, and Dyson patted her back a couple of times, and she lifted her head.
Shyly Jules took a shot, not looking at Lauren. Dyson shook his head and pushed his shot glass away.
With matching grins, Connor and Tara all down their drinks and slammed it down on the table.
Lauren realized her mouth was hanging open and snapped it shut.
Lauren cast Tara a look, and she shrugged. "I'm curious, what? You've got that whole lady in the streets, freak in the sheets vibe going on."
Lauren rolled her eyes at Tara, and her head angled to the side. "That's not a thing."
"No, it's a real thing, Lauren," Connor said with a mouth full of food.
Tara let out a sigh between giggles and said. "If I take a dip in the lady pond, I hope it's with you."
A few small smiles were exchanged, and Lauren righted her posture, rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm so uncomfortable right now. This group is so strange. Next turn, please."
Jules shifted in her chair, still not looking at Lauren. "I agree. Can we move on please?"
"Oh, Lauren. You're so easy to pick on, and that's why we do it. It's how we show our love." Connor said, still laughing at her.
Lauren glared at him. "How fun for me."
Again, the whole table burst out into a chorus of laughter.
Tara stacked the empty shot glasses and moved on. "Never have I ever masturbated more than four times in a day."
Everyone took a shot but Tara.
"Yikes guys," Tara said, and then added another. "Never have I ever had sex three times in a day?"
Lauren, Dyson, and Connor took a shot.
"5?" Tara asked, darting her eyes over their faces.
Only Lauren took a shot. The table stared at her, and Tara continued. "6?"
Lauren shrugged, and downed her drink.
"8?"
Lauren sighed but didn't drink. "Yes. But I can't take another shot."
Tara's mouth fell open. "Good lord, woman."
"No wonder the table has sex dreams about you," Connor said before sipping his beer.
Lauren darted her eyes around the table. "You guys have never had an all day sex marathon? It's not a common thing?"
"Girl, the only thing I marathon is Gilmore Girl episodes," Tara said deadpan.
"What is your highest number in one day?" Jules blurted out, with a bright red face.
Lauren ducked her chin. "I mean I don't exactly count…sometimes…I mean it's easy to get carried away and keep…it's sort of just flows together…" She paused and glanced up at them staring at her. "Forget it. This game's absurd."
Holding, a playful smirk Tara said, "No, continue. Like there's no starting and stopping, you just keep going…and going…and going."
Standing quickly, Lauren glared at the group and grabbed her empty glass. "I need new friends. I'm going to the bar. And when I get back I hope we can talk about something other than my sex life."
"Don't count on it." Tara joked as Lauren walked away.
Dyson approached Lauren and leaned against the bar.
Lauren ordered her drink, glanced at Dyson and shook her head. "I wish you would just date Ciara. I like her."
Holding Lauren's gaze, Dyson took a long pull from his beer. "Nah, we're just friends that hook up sometimes."
Lauren glanced at the table, and then back at Dyson. "What's the problem? She's beautiful, smart, with a great job, and she doesn't take any of your shit? She's perfect for you."
Chuckling, Dyson patted Lauren's back. "I'm a bachelor for life, Lo, you know that."
Lauren sighed as the bartender sat her drink on a napkin in front of her. "You're so dumb Dyson. You drink too much and avoid happiness." She said, bluntly.
"Who said I'm not happy." He scratched his stubbly cheek and narrowed his eyes at her. "Where is your girl, by the way?"
"I can't deny I really admire the way you're able to transition seamlessly from one topic to the next. Or are you just avoiding my questions?"
Dyson merely shrugged and smiled. "I answered your question. Men are designed to roam it's a biological fact."
Lauren rolled her eyes dramatically and crossed her arms on top of the bar. "Don't make me puke with that. It's a choice."
Dyson straddled a barstool and looked at Lauren, waiting for her to answer his previous question.
Lauren inhaled strongly, at his expression. "Bo's working. Why?" She grumbled clearly getting annoyed.
Dyson ran his hand through his hair and down his face. "Interesting."
Lauren sat down on a stool, next to him, it was her turn to wait for him to elaborate.
"I was at her bar earlier with some guys, and she wasn't there." He took a swig of beer, washing down his statement.
Lauren leaned an elbow on the bar top, facing Dyson. "She was probably on a break."
Dyson's eyebrows pulled in. "Maybe." He chugged the rest of his drink and motioned to the bartender for another. "You want to call her?"
"No, I trust Bo," Lauren replied the words came out barely above a whisper. Things were great between her and Bo, she told herself. Sure, they had ups and downs, that was all normal, but overall when they were together, things were good. She repeated this to herself over and over again. Things were great, everything was fine.
Dyson nodded, slowly, and gave Lauren's shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
XXXX
A light snore reminded Bo that she wasn't alone, the realization of what happened, the night, before hit her. The stale smell of day old liquor and cigarettes lingered in the air and on the sheets. Rolling over, her eyelids felt like they were weighted down as she pried them open. When her eyes open, there was a face, which was not her Lauren. A face that held no name that she could recall. This was her downward spiral, her awful decision, staring her in the face. This was typical of something she would do. She had only thought of herself.
She reached for her phone and threw back the sheets before padding to the door. She slowly cracked open the door and tiptoed from the guest room into her bedroom. She glanced around the room, her eyes landed on a book of Lauren's, and she bolted to the restroom to be sick. But nothing came, she slid down and sat on the cold floor.
She felt completely wrecked by guilt and shame and desperation.
A few minutes later, a knock on the door startled her.
"Do you have anything to eat?" Her nameless guest asked. "I'm starving."
"I don't know," Bo said weakly, inching to the door to lock it. After the night's activities, she had no desire to be anything to that person. It was cold but true.
Leaning against the door, she lightly banged her head against the wood. "I'm going to take a shower, and then I'll call you a cab."
"You're so sweet."
Her words made Bo's skin crawl, and her stomach heaved. She cupped her hand over her mouth as she listened to the footsteps walking away.
Bo held the button down to turn her phone back on and called her guest a cab. At that moment, she didn't check her messages, she couldn't. She couldn't bear to face Lauren's hurt and disappointment.
After Bo took a shower and got dressed, she stared at her phone. She slid her finger across the phone, contemplating what messages she might find. She knew Lauren would probably hate her. She hated herself. She ruined everything. Her decision destroyed everything. Sending Lauren that text was such a cowardly thing to do, but she had done it, anyway.
She covered her eyes with her hand, so ashamed that she couldn't look for a long moment.
Instantly her hands began to shake as she checked her messages for Lauren's reply. Nothing. She scrolled through her sent messages and saw the red exclamation point next to her last message to Lauren, with a Not Delivered alert. It didn't send. She could barely believe her eyes.
For a few agonizing seconds, she could only gaped at the screen in disbelief.
Thinking, she raked a shaky hand through her wet hair. Anxiety and stress pressed down on the pit of her stomach. On wobbly legs, she sat down on the toilet, her mind replaying every thought, every action.
Lauren was still her girlfriend, and that meant that she had cheated on her. In her mind, she was broken up with Lauren, but that was irrelevant at that point, it didn't matter. It didn't make the situation better or right. She was a cheater. The guilt of cheating on her girlfriend ate away at her. She supposed it was what she deserved for trying to break up with her girlfriend that way. What kind of horrible person breaks up with the woman they love by text anyway? And then, she brought a random stranger to her apartment to screw Lauren out of her heart and mind. Of course, it hadn't worked. Lauren could never leave her heart or thoughts.
She convinced herself that Lauren was better off without her. She felt undeserving of Lauren, someone as amazing as Lauren. She was afraid of her feelings, and she had tried to push Lauren away. And she had wanted a way out for the last few weeks. And like a coward she had attempted to run and ruin everything between them. Lauren handed her happiness, and she threw it all away, and ultimately cheated on her. She had failed their relationship on every level because of her fear.
A memory flashed in her mind, of holding Lauren, whispering in her ear. Wow, she really did love her so much. And wasn't that the most messed up thing of all?
Maybe, just maybe, she had needed this. She needed to break herself so she could put herself back together again, stronger and better. This scare convinced her, she could, and would do more. With a second chance, she would be all in, without fear. She promised herself she would.
She deleted the unsent message so that it wouldn't go through later. She made a mistake, but she could right her wrong, and fix things. Everything would be okay. Had to be okay. She held on to those words and repeated them over and over again, hoping that it would be true.
She'd been going out of her mind for fear of messing up, for fear of loving another person. But she was done being that girl. She would never be that girl again. She would become the type of woman who expressed how she felt without fear. No way was she going to continue down this selfish, destructive path.
Somewhere lost in her own doubts, she'd forgotten that she'd managed to get Lauren in the first place. That Lauren chose to be with her. That she chose Lauren as well.
She checked the time and thought through Lauren's schedule. She knew Lauren had an early morning class. She had time. She would get going quickly, get over to Lauren's place. She would remedy her mistake, she had time, everything was going to be fine. By a random stroke of luck, the universe had stepped in by not delivering that message and saved her.
Lauren was still her girlfriend, and maybe she didn't have to ever know about the cheating. It would only hurt her in the end, break her heart. She didn't want their relationship tainted by cheating, Lauren deserved more than that.
She sighed, hating herself again. Was she really trying to convince herself that she was protecting Lauren by lying? Could she live with that guilt? Was it selfish to tell Lauren the truth, so that she'd feel better? A plethora of doubt crowded her mind, making her wonder if she was in Lauren's position what would she want. She'd want the truth, always.
At that moment, all she felt was sad, guilty, and ashamed. But she had no right to wallow in self-pity, this was the bed she'd made, and she was going to have to lay in it, filthy sheets and all.
After a long pep talk with herself, she decided she would come clean…eventually. She would fight to be a better person, not just for Lauren, but for herself. Her actions had potentially ruined her future with Lauren. She could only hope that Lauren would forgive her for everything.
She gathered the nerve she so desperately needed to face the day. She forced a smile and walked out of the bathroom tugging a towel through her hair. "Did I hear the door?" She asked her guest, silently hoping her cab had arrived, and she was gone.
"Lauren, brought you breakfast."
Bo's small contrived smile faded, and her stomach sank. For a few beats she couldn't move, feeling like a cornered animal. She knew she had been caught, and she had no idea what to do. A cold spiral of fear ran down her spine as she darted for the door.
XXXX
AN
I will admit it's a challenge to write this prequel, when bits and pieces were already written in BBB, but I'm trying to make sure it all fits together but with more context.
Next up: Tamsin makes an appearance and Kenzi visits again.
Thanks for reading and reviewing.