The idle lives of the rich and fabulous

SODAKINGMAGNATE: Well... that was a rather draining experience, wasn't it? Minion! Fetch me something to do!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: I ain't your minion!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Yeah, but you're the closest thing I got at the moment so...
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Well, I got this fundraiser invite, so...
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Fundraiser?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Yeah, they like, raise funds or something.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I guessed that much.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Sorry, just had to check. Anyway it's all for rich people like us.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Where did my invite go?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: You're using it as a napkin.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Am I?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Yes.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Oh. Or am I?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: You are.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Sounds top! What's it raising funds for?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: I don't know. Probably Orphans. Those guys always need funds.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I'm an Orphan! Does that mean I get all the funds?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Can't hurt to ask, right?

SODAKINGMAGNATE: We have arrived!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: You know, cause we were invited and all!
MERCANTILIST: Ah welcome the both of you to my glorious Fundraiser, here in beautiful Downtown Achievement City! I am the Mercantilist of the large chain of Sundries and Mercantile. Observe my glorious mustache!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: That is one top mustache.
MERCANTILIST: Allow me to introduce the guests, here we have Cake-Lord!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Gasp! My mortal enemy!
CAKELORD: Have we met?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Never! But I remember you! What you and your sugary confections have done to me!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: What did he do to you?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: It's a long tale relating to my tragic backstory. It all started-
MERCANTILIST: You can't have a tragic backstory. Or a Mortal Enemy. That's the kind of thing that only main characters like Super-Hero's have. You're not a superhero, are you?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: No.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Why would you ask something like that?
MERCANTILST: On to the other guests!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I bet my backstory is more tragic than yours.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: No it's not.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Yeah, you're right.
MERCANTILIST: Here we have Mr. Valkyrie, devoted family man... and something.
PAPAVALKYRIE: Ah! If it isn't the Soda-King-Magnate! Fancy meeting you here in this ceremonial rubbing of elbows! How fare you my friend!
SOAKINGMAGNATE: (Gavin Screaming) I mean fine.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Didn't that guy break you're legs?
MERCANTILST: And over here, not so devoted family man, and head of the Schnee Dust Company, we have Herr Schnee.
HERRSCHNEE: ... Greetings. (walks away)
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Man, that guy was a jerk-hole.
MERCANTILIST: Now that our guests are all acquainted, now to the main event! As you know my privately owned Monolith remains the tallest structure in the known world. But I don't believe in taking chances, so I have amassed the wealthiest elites I could find in the nearest phone-book to get enough money for me to raise my Monolith for all to see.
CAKE-LORD: Hum.
HERRSCHNEE: Lording your wealth over the lowly peasants. I am behind this project.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Looks like funds ain't the only thing we're raising tonight huh!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Oh sausages.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: What is it?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I thought we were doing something for Orphans.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: I guess not. No problem right?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Well...
ELPIZZABANDIDO: What did you do?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Okay, so Orphans are people right?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: I think...
SODAKINGMAGNATE: And People Like Grapes, right?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: That they do, where are you going with this?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Well, I just decided to donate an entire shipment of People Like Grapes. You know, for the Orphans. Because Orphans are people, and People Like Grapes. And they can have that, and I can get all the cool stuff, because I'm also an Orphan.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: You total knob.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I know.

The Mysterious Maddening Mystery of the Curious Culprit of the Nefarious Knob-Napper

MERCANTILIST: Oh Calamitous Calamity!
PAPAVALKYRIE: What is it Mercantilist? Is something the matter?
MERCANTILIST: My prized collection of finely polished knobs has vanished!
CAKELORD: Well, when did you last see it?
MERCANTILIST: RIGHT THERE!
CAKELORD: No need for shouting.
PAPAVALKYRIE: Who could have committed such a high-class robbery with such tightened security? We must find them so that I may hire them for my crime family! Uh, I mean so that we can turn them into the proper authorities!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Huh. Think this is worth checking out?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: I dunno. Sounds like effort.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Yeah, but it's not like we're doing anything else.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Speak for yourself! These cocktail weenies are amazing! Think I can make a pizza with these?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Nah, that brand of eccentricity in regards to running your business only works if you're someone like me.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Maybe I should let you do it then?
SODAKINGMAGNTE: You want me to run your company?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: ... yeah you're right, that's the stupidest thing that's ever come out of my mouth.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Maybe you should put the cocktail weenies down.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Maybe I should...
SODAKINGMAGNATE: So lets go and persecute this pilferer of known knob knick-knacks!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Yeah, but where would we even start?
(Cat Burglar falls through ceiling)
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Maybe there.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: It's the Cat Burglar!
CATBURGLAR: Hey! Oh wait, I can see how that might be racist now.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Get her!
(brawl)

SODAKINGMAGANTE: And with that thecase of the Knob-Napper has been solved!
CATBURGLAR: And I would have gotten away with it too if not for you meddling aristocrats!
MERCANTILIST: You really saved the day.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Oh, it was nothing.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Literally it was nothing. The Cat Burglar tripped on her shoelaces and you sat on her.
CATBURGLAR: Yeah, these high-heeled boots aren't nearly as practical for thieving as you would think.
MERCANTILIST: Now what to do with this, this-
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Napper of Knobs?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Perusing Pickpocket?
CAKELORD: Destroyer of Door accessories?
HERRSCHNEE: Filthy Faunus?
PAPAVALKYRIE: Potential Employee? What? I'm not good at alliteration.
MERCANTILIST: Whatever she is, what do we do with her?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Put her behind bars!
HERRSCHNEE: Put her in the mines with the others!
PAPAVALKYRIE: Put her in an interview where she can hear about our phenomenal dental plan!
CATBURGLAR: Let her go free! Huh? Huh?
MERCANTILIST: You don't get a vote! Now let us fabulously rich people with more money than you've ever seen dictate your fate without your input like we do in civilized society.
EVERYONE: Yeah!
MERCANTILIST: Okay then you thriving thieving thief you! We have come to a decision.
CATBURGLAR: Is it let me off with a smack on the wrist and a stern warning?
CAKELORD: Well after much discussion about potential employment between these two gentlemen-
PAPAVALKYRIE: You're a stupid-head.
HERRSCHNEE: That is incorrect Mr. Valkyrie sir. For I regret to inform you that it indeed, YOU! Who is the stupid-head in this room.
PAPAVALKYRIE: You take that back!
CAKELORD: We have ultimately come to the decision that we shall-
(lights cut out)
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Oh sausages!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Where?
(evil maniacal laughter)
HERRSCHNEE: This is what happens when you hire your contractors from the Peasant masses.
MERCANTILIST: Oh no!
PAPAVALKYRIE: What is it?
MERCANTILIST: I have heard that specific type of mad laughter before, there is only one person who it could possibly belong to... The Mad King!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Oh no! Not the Mad King!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Who's the Mad King?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: I dunno. But he sounds bad, don't he?
(lights flicker back on)
(Cat Burglar has disappeared)
CAKELORD: Oh no! And she landed on community service too!

The Mad Reign of the Mad King

CAKELORD: Now everyone, I would like to calmly now is not the time to start panicking.
MERCANTILIST: Everybody Panic!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: (Gavin Screaming)
(speakers crackle)
MADKING: That's right you wealthy elite! Panic and scream! Your anguish is delicious. More give me more!
HERRSCHNEE: ... Well this get together has been quite pleasant, but rather unfortunately I have pressing matters at home, family to ignore, peasants to oppress, you know how it goes.
MERCANTILIST: Oh okay then. Be sure to come again next year.
HERRSCHNEE: Of course.
MADKING: Not so fast!
HERRSCHNEE: So slowly then?
MADKING: None of you shall be leaving this Monolith so easily! For I have it booby-trapped! If any of you wish to escape to see your loved ones you must traverse these death-courses with the utmost of skill!
PAPAVALKYRIE: That fiend!
MADKING: Oh, also I hijacked the fundraiser in addition to the Monolith, so I also have all of your money.
HERRSCHNEE: That fiend!
MADKING: *evil laughter*
CAKELORD: Everyone! I appear to have found an exit!
PAPAVALKYRIE: How so?
CAKELORD: It has an exit sign over it.
HERRSCHNEE: It seems those peasant contractors knew what they were doing.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: What are your donuts waiting for, let's go!
MERCANTILIST: What are you talking about? The Donut Mogul refused his invite. Stupid Donut Mogul.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Well, fudge him.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Every rich snob for himself!
(General panic and screaming)
MADKING: Aha! You have fallen for my first ruse! The exit sign does in fact not lead to the exit at all! It was all an elaborate set-up! A ruse! Now that you have left the safety of the fundraiser, you must now navigate the many trials and tribulations with nothing but the measure of your own wit! *evil laughter*
MERCANTILIST: You mad fiend! What do you plan for us?
MADKING: I'm not gonna lie. It's gonna be all murder.

MERCANTILIST: Well fellow wealthy elite. We have ahead of us two routes ahead of us if want to avoid being murdered.
MADKING: Murder!
PAPAVALKYRIE: Tell us! Tell us now!
MERCANTILIST: Well firstly there is the roof, which is just upstairs and has my gold-plated private jet parked that can take us anywhere in the Four Kingdoms. Or-
SODAKINGMAGNATE: To the roof! Go!
(scrambles to the roof)
SODAKINGMAGNATE: There it is!
CAKELORD: Now everyone, let us remember to assemble in an organized and orderly manner to the-
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Every Rich Snob for themselves!
CATBURGLAR: Not so fast!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: It's the Cat Burglar!
CATBURGLAR: Yes it is I! The Cat Burglar! I escaped from your clutches, and I shall escape this Mad King's trap as well! For no cage on this world can hold me! And with all of you horribly murdered I shall plunder each of your homes!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Hah, well, she'd never find where I keep all my important stuff.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: It's his trophy room of victory. It's pathetic.
CATBURLGAR: So long suckers!
(jet explodes)
MADKING: Murder!
CATBURGLAR: I'm okay...
HERRSCHNEE: There was an -or- there earlier, let's go with that.

MERCANTILIST: Or... we could walk down the several hundred floors from here to the front doors.
PAPAVALKYRIE: Preposterous! There is likely a plethora of perils down that plithy of passageways!
HERRSCHNEE: I thought you said you were not very good at alliteration.
PAPAVALKYRIE: It comes and goes.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Yeah! What he said! Why would we ever do that?
MERCANTILIST: ...Because the Jet exploded?
MADKING: Murder!
CATBURGLAR: Still okay!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: ... Yeah he makes a strong point.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: That he does, let's go and do that.
ELPIZZABANDIDO: For freedom!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: To being rich and alive!

ELPIZZABANDIDO: I miss being on the roof. I could see my house from there.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Me too!
MERCANTILIST: It's why I built this monolith in the first place. So that no matter how far I left home, I could always look around and see the monument to my greatness, and glorious mustache. Also, so I could remind everyone how stinking rich I am.
HERRSCHNEE: Peasants.
CATBURGLAR: You know, maybe I wouldn't steal from you guys if you didn't bother making it so obvious.
MERCANTILIST: Quiet you! We still need to decide what to do with you!
CATBURGLAR: But I landed on community service!
CAKELORD: Actually, the rules clearly state that we have to roll each time we capture you so, (shrug) sorry.
CATBURGLAR: Ah this blows!
PAPAVALKYRIE: You know what doesn't blow? My employee's retirement plan!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: You know what does blow? The Mercantilists Jet!
ELPIZZABANDIDO: Too soon!
MERCANTILIST: Hold!
SODAKINGMAGANTE: Hold what?
MERCANTILIST: I mean hold still!
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Well then why didn't you say that?
CAKELORD: It seems to be that devilish fiends first trap!
MADKING: Murder! I mean, why yes, that's exactly what it is.
MERCANTILST: You fiend!
MADKING: I know.
HERRSCHNEE: What do you intend to do with us? And more importantly, me?
MADKING: Oh how glad I am that you asked. Now see, for my first act of deviancy I shall force your merry band against each-other! Insert Evil Laugh here. *Evil Laugh* Anyway basically, I put a box in the middle of the floor.
MERCANTILIST: You fiend!
MADKING: I know, aren't I?
SODAKINGMAGNATE: WHAT'S IN THE BOX!?
MADKING: Inside the box is a button.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: WHAT DOES THE BUTTON DO!?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING!?
MADKING: And pushing the button will open the door.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: PUSH THE BUTTON!
MADKING: It will also cause you to die a painful death.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: Oh... right, let's not push the button.
MADKING: (Evil Laugh) You fools! You must sacrifice one of your own to proceed! But who? WHO!?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: I vote this guy.
SODAKINGMAGNATE: What? Why me?
ELPIZZABANDIDO: BECAUSE YOU WERE YELLING SO MUCH!
HERRSCHNEE: I vote her.
CATBURGLAR: Hey! Racist.
HERRSCHNEE: You misunderstand. That's not me being a racist. That's me being a complete jerk hole.
CATBURGLAR: But I landed on community service!
HERRSCHNEE: Yeah, well we're the community, so start serving us!
CATBURGLAR: Ew.
CAKELORD: Gentlemen! I have a solution. Clearly it would be cruel beyond reason for any of us to force his fellow man, or cat woman in our new friends case, to take up this cruel and daunting task for the betterment of the group. Thusly I volunteer myself for this duty.
MERCANTILST: No you can't!
PAPAVAKLYRIE: No you mustn't! Why don't we make Herr Schnee go?
HERRSCHNEE: Because I'm actually important to the plot?
CAKELORD: No friends and companions, I cannot in good conscious let you suffer through the machinations of this Mad King. I joined this charity in hopes of using my wealth to better the lives of others. If I must go now to a better place I can rest easy knowing that I've done that tonight. Goodbye all.
(Walks over to box. Picks it up. Presses button.)
CAKELORD:... Huh. Guess he must have been bluffing.
MERCANTILIST: Phwew. Well, that's a load off of my mind.
CAKELORD: Well, I guess there's a reason why they don't call him 'the Perfectly Sane King' now, right?
(Everybody Laughs)
(Hole to bottomless cavern opens up beneath the Cake Lords Feet)
MADKING: Murder!