Your reviews were amazing, as always!
Previously in The Fact in the Lie:
He wasn't about to let her carry the financial burden for the two of them, but he decided it would be best to argue about that particular topic later. "I will, Bones. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish preparing the sandwiches and grill them. Once that's done, we can eat." Booth walked back to the kitchen and about 15 minutes later, the apartment was filled with the scent of grilled bread and cheese.
Chapter 10
Brennan left the warmth of the blanket to join her partner in the kitchen, to see what he was up to and where that delicious smell was coming from... "This smells delicious," she announced as she appeared behind him.
"I'm pleased to hear that. I was just about to call you." Booth frowned, "Maybe it's better if we eat in the living room though... you know," his cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink, "That would probably be more comfortable for you."
Brennan nodded in agreement. "Yes, it would be. Though I can appreciate the effects of the pain killer." She suddenly noticed the colour of his face. "Is something bothering you? Oh - I forgot. You get shy." She smiled appeasingly. "One day you'll have to explain to me how you can have sexual intercourse and not be able to talk about anything related to the reproductive system."
Booth simply reached for the plate on which he had placed the sandwiches and the bowl of salad, completely ignoring her question. "Could you grab empty plates for us and cutlery?" He picked up the items and walked out of the kitchen, into the living room. He put the plate and the bowl down carefully as he folded the blanket, making more room on the couch before sitting down himself, looking up as Bones joined him.
Brennan easily gathered the utensils he'd asked for and also filled two glasses with water. She transferred everything to the coffee table in the living room and then sat down beside her partner. She suddenly frowned. "Maybe we should drink alcohol instead," she suggested, thoughtful.
Booth was slightly confused by her proposal. "Why would you rather drink alcohol than water?" he asked her as he frowned, trying to find the logic which had spurred this suggestion on.
"To take the edge off," she replied with a serious expression, looking in his eyes. "Right?"
"Oh, Bones," he sighed as he dropped the spoons back into the salad bowl. He had no idea that the day had been so bad that she was still feeling like she needed to take the edge off. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her torso closer to his. "There are other ways to take the edge off, sweetheart." This had been exactly how he had started to gamble. To take the edge off. And even though he knew she had a very good understanding of what she could and could not handle, he wasn't prepared to even entertain the possibility of something like that happening to her. "You know, why don't we talk about it? And if you want a beer instead of water with your dinner, then maybe that's not a bad idea. But alcohol isn't going to take the edge off, Bones. Trust me. I can promise you that it won't."
She heaved a big sigh and hid her face, pushing it into the fabric of his shirt. Her nose felt his deltoid muscle tense under the material. For a few moments, she just let him hold her. Then, she sighed again and rested her cheek against his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said hollowly. "I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should talk, maybe I should just get drunk, maybe I should work or go abroad. I don't know. Maybe I just want to be with you. Again, I don't know. I just - I thought it was over and now... it's like I can't trust my brain anymore. That's poor quality of life for someone like me." She breathed out through her mouth, physically comforted by his warm, strong, safe body. But mentally, she was walking a tight rope, continuously faltering, looking into the abyss of her past beneath her. She sighed again. "I don't think it's fair that you're being put up with me. I'm simply not enjoyable at the moment."
Booth took a moment to consider her words, before he gently pushed her away from him and looked her in the eye. "Temperance, if I tell you what I think will help, will you do it?" He was one hundred procent serious as he looked at her. He could almost feel the despair and confusion rolling off of her in waves. And he was determined to help her. If she'd let him.
She thought she was getting to be beyond hope, but the determined look in his eyes convinced her to give it another go. "Right now I feel inclined to try anything."
"Okay." He gently cupped her face in his hands as he continued to look into her eyes. "Let go." When she looked at him in confusion, he continued, "Stop trying not to fall, honey." He tenderly brushed her cheek with his thumb. "I promise you that I'll catch you when you do, okay?"
Her body tensed up immediately, her heartbeat quickening. "I -" These were probably the most meaningful words she'd uttered in years, "I believe you. But I don't want to burden you." Never. She didn't want to mean anything to others, because she couldn't bear the guilt if she hurt them. And she didn't want to depend on others in any way, because they might hurt her. Not that the latter was very applicable to this case. Booth. Her Booth. She should really do this. "I don't want to hurt you. Not even a little bit. I know that's what I did by declining your love, but I did it to protect you." She paused to take a breath. "Really, I want to be with you, but I'm so afraid I'll ruin it." She had not been this open with another person since she was a child.
He answered her honestly, "The only way you can ruin this is by pushing me away. And that is not what you are doing. The only way you can hurt me is by shutting me out." He sighed as he released her face slowly and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I know you did what you did because you wanted to protect me. And I appreciate the fact you want to protect me, but Temperance, not at this cost. Not at the cost of your own happiness. This isn't a burden to me, and even if it was - which it's not - it is one I want to help you carry. Don't expect me to watch you suffer and not do anything about it, Bones. I can't. I won't. So please," his hand slipped under her clothes, so he could place his hand on her lower back, establishing skin to skin contact, "Please, just let go. I've got you."
She closed her eyes and dropped her chin to her chest, searching deep within herself, going through the maze of rules and convictions she'd established during her lifetime, to see if there was maybe a possibility that she could allow herself to be weak. Purposefully weak and vulnerable and dependent. To consciously become a burden, with the possibility of losing herself if everything went wrong. The pleasant warmth of his hands on the bare skin of her back distracted her. And indeed; maybe she was searching in the wrong place. Maybe she should be looking at him, to assess his trustworthiness, his stability, his sincerity. And at that moment, synapses finally fired in a significant sequence, and she realised that that was what she'd been doing ever since they started working together. He had yet to be thrown out of her system because he'd wronged her. She looked up at him. "All right," she whispered.
He leaned in and kissed her slowly and tenderly, trying to let her feel that he would catch her by gently pressing his hand closer to her skin. "That's my girl. Please tell me what you dreamed about." With his free hand he grabbed one of the sandwiches and held it out to her, allowing her time to form an answer to his question. He knew how much he was asking of her and he wanted her to know that he wasn't going to rush her. That this would happen at her pace. The most important thing wasn't how long it would take. The most important thing was that it was happening.
She kissed him with all the intensity that she felt, and found nothing in his touch that caused her any hesitations about him. When the sandwich suddenly appeared in her vision, she took it. After all, she was still starving. She handed him one, too, and then took a few bites. "The dream... It's like I've been living in a quiet house. All the doors and windows locked. And then I open the door. And a hurricane blows everything into disarray. I try to close the door, but instead a window opens. And more wind comes in. I manage to push it closed, but another window bursts." She paused, eating more. "What's outside the safe house, the hurricane, that's a metaphor for my memories."
He nodded, understanding what she was saying. "But the house never really was quiet, was it? With a storm raging outside?" He took a bite of his own sandwich. "I understand why you want to ignore the storm, but if you ignore it, you can't protect yourself from it, either, right? You have to acknowledge it's there."
Tears pushed through her tear ducts, but she didn't want to cry any more today. Booth was right. There had been many times when she'd come too close to the windows and felt fear grip her throat upon viewing the storm outside. It always took a while to be able to ignore the raging out there. "In my dream, I was suddenly in the storm," she spoke. "I was in the basement. And my foster dad was there, too."
Booth wrapped one arm around her waist, holding her close, encouraging her to continue her story. "What happened in the basement in your dream, Bones?" He spoke softly, doing his very best to keep her in the moment with him, hoping he was helping her to feel safe enough in order to recall such a horrific nightmare.
"I was naked. He was on top of me." She averted her eyes so she could continue. "He tried to kiss my mouth, so I turned my head away. Instead, he kissed my throat and, my breasts. Actually, 'kissed' is not the right word. He just put his mouth on me. I remember how I felt so dirty because he left his saliva on my skin." Her eyes shot sideways to catch a glimpse of Booth's expression, then back. She felt rigid and uncomfortable talking about this. She felt very ashamed. Not because it was her fault, but because the act had been so dirty, so filthy and shameful.
Putting his food down, he turned towards her. He gently tipped her chin up, so he could look into her eyes. "What happened was dirty," he acknowledged, "and I can understand how that would make you feel dirty, but you were the victim here, Bones. I know you hate being the victim and now that I know what happened to you, I can definitely understand that better." Booth wasn't sure what would make the look of shame in her eyes disappear, so once again he went with his gut and kissed her. "It doesn't reflect on you, sweetheart. What happened all these years ago is a reflection on that sick asshole whose name I don't know, which is probably for the best. And you are doing it, Bones. You are doing something that even I can't. By telling me this, you are defying him. Showing him what a strong woman you truly are. You are breaking his power over you." He grabbed his sandwich again and nodded at her, "Go on, Temperance. We both know he doesn't have any power over you anymore. Now do what scientists do best. Prove it. Prove it to me, but more importantly, prove it to yourself."
Slowly, she mirrored him and took another bite of her grilled cheese sandwich. She chewed thoughtfully, then swallowed. Doing something normal, natural, while she spoke of the most unnatural, horrendous act which had maimed her memory and her view on humans. "The pain was intense, but not as intense as the fear," she continued in a flat voice. She dared glance at him a moment longer, now. "It was like being torn open. Like a knife slicing through me. It burned and it stung, and I - I knew that it was going to last another while. So I begged him. 'Please,' I said, 'Please.'" She shook her head. "I held my breath as he sped up his pace. I could hardly breathe as it was; he was so heavy. Pinning me down. I was trapped. There was nothing I could do to protect myself. And then he... well, in reality, he ejaculated. In me. And his hips stilled and he pulled out. I saw his -" she was going to say 'penis', but imagined Booth cringe at the term, "...member. My blood was on it. I wanted to look into his eyes, but I couldn't see them. I wanted to know whether it had really been him, or just an aggressive, sadistic male body. I was somehow... curious to see whether my foster dad, as a person, had really just locked up and raped his foster daughter. Whether he had emotionally betrayed me, or only physically. I wanted to know if he hated me that much, how I could be such an awful person that I'd driven him to that loathing of me. Because I thought we had a connection, you know." She glanced at Booth, then back at her hands holding the half-eaten sandwich. "I thought that he liked me. I trusted him. Why would he hurt me? What had I done to change his view of me? And if I didn't find that out, how was I supposed to prevent it in the future?"
She had finally gotten to the heart of the matter. "You are not an awful person, Bones!" Booth could practically feel the adrenaline rush through his body as he tried to deal with the anger towards her foster dad which was steadily rising inside of his body. "He had no right to treat you like that! You did nothing wrong. If he had developed feelings towards you, which had probably more to do with lust than love, he had no right to confront you with them and force you to deal with them. But from what you've told me, your reaction was the right one. You were confused, so you ran. No one can blame you for that." Booth got up and started pacing, his hands on his hips, trying to calm himself down. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he sat back down on the couch next to her. "I'm sorry to say this, Bones. And I wish I didn't have to, but yes. He did betray you. And what is even worse, what angers me even further is that he is just another number on the list of people who have betrayed you in your life. However," he cupped her cheek in his palm, "you were not the cause for his betrayal. You didn't cause any of it. Therefore, there is nothing you could've done to prevent what happened to you. Do you believe me?" He continued to look at her, hoping feverishly that she would acknowledge the logic in his words.
"I just want to know why he did it," she croaked out in a voice high from the lump tightening her throat. "I need to know why he did it. How did he expect me to continue living without explaining it to me? He put my life on hold and it never continued. I got stuck. I didn't know how to behave around other people, so I avoided that interaction. He never told me why, damn it!" The tears would not be stopped and they pushed past her defenses and flooded out. Brennan dropped her sandwich on the couch and jumped to her feet, furiously wiping at her tears as she walked back and forth through the room. She was so angry. There was only one thing she'd needed from him, and he hadn't given it to her. After all he'd put her through, he wouldn't give her that one little thing. An explanation. She was so angry about that.
He was a little concerned about the fact that she was stomping around the room, especially after the painful examination of earlier that day, but he didn't stop her. Booth sat back in the couch, steeled his resolve and spoke up, offering her the insight she had been missing and desperately searching for all these years. "He told you what he wanted. Even though it might not have been explicitly, he did tell you. He didn't want to scare you, he wanted you to accept him. When you ran, even though you did that because you were confused, he took it as a rejection. The fact that he had been rejected by a teenager, his foster daughter, who was supposed to listen to him." At her furious look she sent him, he added, "Yes, even in this matter, he had expected you to listen to him and cooperate. By rejecting him, you took away his control. That's what made him snap. So he practically kidnapped you and punished you for your rejection." Booth pauzed for several moments and stared at the salad before he looked back up at her. "He had no right to do what he did and even if he won't be punished for his deed in this world, he will be in the next, but if you want to know why he did what he did, well... That's it."
She took a few moments to think while she continued to pace with her arms crossed over her chest. "Then why didn't you abduct and rape me after I rejected you? Why did he snap and you didn't?"
"Because I love you. And because the mere thought of hurting you is enough to make me sick to my stomach." He cleared his throat. "Like I said, he was probably driven by lust." Booth squirmed in his seat, feeling a bit uncomfortable to discuss his own urges towards his partner, but he continued anyway. "Don't get me wrong. I - I want you too. The difference between us is that I love you and that I hold your needs in a higher esteem than I do my own. I would die before I would ever hurt you. He didn't love you. He probably did like you, but his shattered ego took precedence over your well-being." Booth looked straight into her eyes. "I will never do that to you. No matter how many times you reject me or how much you hurt me. I will never lay a hand on you in anger or against your will, Bones." He fought the lump in his throat down. "Never."
She finally stood still, sniffing and wiping the tears from her cheeks. She might have stood there for ten minutes, regarding him, letting his words in from a safe distance. "I believe that."
"You have no idea how glad I am to hear that." Booth slowly stood and walked over to her. He stopped a few feet away from her and opened his arms to her. "Let it go, sweetheart. Don't be afraid to fall. I'm here to catch you. Do you trust me?"
With teary eyes she nodded her head. And stepped into his arms. He held her tightly, but it was a pleasant pressure. She wound her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. Rested all she was on his shoulder. The next thing she knew, his arms let go of her and came back. He lifted her off the floor, into his arms. All of her weight on him, and he could still stand. She saw the metaphor clearly. And she felt liberated, and lighter. She closed her eyes and saw a bright light somewhere, not too far out of her reach. It was brighter and more beautiful than anything she'd every seen. She instantly realised it was happiness. And she was making her way toward it.
After he had kept his promise and literally caught her, lifting her into his arms, he held her tightly to his chest as he softly whispered, "Are you still hungry?" When she shook her head, he sighed, understanding that the emotional breakdown she had experienced and was experiencing was probably overpowering her hungry stomach. Making a mental note to make sure he would make some extra sandwiches when she would be able to stomach them, he carried her to the bedroom and gently laid her down and crawled in next to her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his body to hers. He brushed his lips over hers. "Rest, honey. You deserve it. I'll be here. Don't worry, I got you."
She believed him. She trusted him not to bump her into anything as he carried her to her bedroom and carefully laid her down. She trusted him to do right by her and not betray her trust. To be honest with her. As she would be with him. She tenderly put her hand on his cheek and turned his face towards her. She kissed him softly. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, Booth. By far. You make me stronger." She kissed him again, and when she closed her eyes, she trusted him to stay with her through whatever kind of dreams she might have. Or whatever kind of nightmares. He would stay.
He held her as evening turned to night and when she started to whimper, which let him know that she was having a nightmare, he found himself at a crossroad. He wanted to wake her up, kiss her soft lips and reassure her that everything was all right. That she was safe, with him. However, knowing the therapeutic power of dreams, even nightmares, he clenched his jaw and tenderly wrapped her in his embrace. He sighed in relief when her breathing evened out again and the whimpers died down a little.
Despite her exhaustion, she didn't sleep like a rose. The storm inside her brain was less raving, but it had not died down. Flashes instead of full scenes were shown to her by her memory. Yet just when she was being drawn into her past, an unknown force pulled her out of it, and her mind became blank again. She didn't get upset enough to wake up, though. Somehow she had to have known that in reality, she was safe.
Booth continued to hold her throughout the night. He didn't sleep though. his body was relaxed by her side, their proximity helping him to calm down. And even though his body had calmed down, his muscles relaxed, his mind would not quiet down. Her words kept going through his head and he felt a surge of love and protectiveness towards her. A few times during the night he noticed her body tense and her brow as it furrowed, letting him know another nightmare was looming over her. He would whisper soft reassurances as he pressed their bodies just a little closer. By the time the sun rose, he finally allowed sleep to claim him, after he had ensured that the beautiful woman next to him had made it somewhat safely through the night.
And still, the angst has not come to an end...