A/N Hello, hello, hello. Have you all gotten over the fact that I've posted another chapter after sooo very long? Please accept my deepest apologies. I am truly sorry it has taken me this long. Also, thank you very much for all your kind words of support. I found them so helpful, you can't imagine. The kids and I have been through a ton over the last 15 months, but I won't bother you with the details. I hope to continue posting chapters about once a month or so, until the end of the story. So please bear with me. By the way, a few of you expressed an interest in the music selection for Jasper's birthday party. Well, here you go, I hope you like them.
Carlisle's song list:
1. Hold me, thrill me, kiss me - Mel Carter
This is not only Carlisle's all time favorite, but mine as well. If you've never heard it, by all means give yourself a treat and check it out on You Tube. (The black and white version is the best.)
2. Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
Duh, it's on everyone's favorites list. Isn't it?
3. The Last Time I Felt Like This - Johnny Mathis
He has the most beautiful voice, and this is such a great song.
4. When I Fall In Love - Nat King Cole
My favorite Nat Cole song is Nature Boy. Again, if you haven't heard it check it out on line, it's so beautiful, but this is a good song, too.
5. Love Me With All Of Your Heart -Don Cherry
There are a lot of bad versions of this song on the internet, and it took me a long time to find a good one. Also the spanish version is Cuando Calienta El Sol.
6. And I Love Her - The Beatles
There are Elvis people and there are Beatles people. Carlisle is definitely a Beatles guy.
7. My Funny Valentine - Etta James
Again, lots of not so good versions. I wish I could have found an earlier rendition by Etta James, by the time she recorded this one she was pretty old.
8. I Could Fall In Love - Selena
What can I say, he has ecclectic tastes.
9. Feel Like Making Love - George Benson
Very sexy, great make out music.
10. Quit Playing Games With My Heart - The Back Street Boys
OK, this is Carlisle's list. Not mine. Actually, he's been a fan of the 'Boys' for years, but it's not common knowledge.
Carlisle is definitely a romantic at heart and could have picked a lot more songs, but he wanted to keep to the Valentine/Love theme.
As always, S. M. is the owner of all things Twilight, only this little fanfic is mine. And now...on with the story!
"So Em, what is it with you and Edward? It seems like you two don't get along very well."
Chapter 10
A look back
Emmett'sPOV
I sat in my car looking at Carlisle as he asked the question innocently.
I wasn't prepared for this. I just assumed someone would have told him. I should have known better. The others all knew the truth of course, but I realized quickly that none of them would have dared share this information with the new comer for fear of bringing on the wrath of Edward. Edward himself would never divulge our secret voluntarily, of this I was certain. To be honest, I think he still felt guilty. He would deny it to anyone who asked of course, but I knew deep down he blamed himself. Long ago, against Edward's protestations, I followed him into this life, eagerly and without reservations. And I never looked back.
He's gonna be furious about me telling Carlisle, but how can I keep from it? Carlisle is a part of us now. It's not like we can keep this hidden from him forever, he's bound to find out eventually. Besides, I think he deserves to know and in my opnion, the sooner the better.
Turning away, so I would not have to see his reaction, I gazed out at the cars going along the street just past the parking lot. Before I spoke, I shut my eyes, took a deep breath and prayed silently that Carlisle would not be too shocked and that Edward would not kill me when he learned what I'd done.
"Well Carlisle, I don't know, I think Ed and I get along OK, as good as any other two brothers I guess."
After a moment when Carlisle didn't respond, I started the car and drove away. I was taking the cowards way out, I knew that. But, I could't face the aftermath of what I'd said. I couldn't risk Carlisle's reaction.
Thinking about the turn our relationship had taken, for me I could not feel ashamed. I loved my brother in every way possible, it only seemed natural that we would share our bodies with one another. He was my brother, my protector, and my guide through life. Edward would not deny me what I truly longed for, not even this expression of love. I knew this and I used the knowledge to get what I wanted.
Navigating the streets with my car, I allowed my mind to drift back to the time I had made my own personal discovery.
I was a sophamore in college and Ed was a senior with an apartment off campus. The previous year had been spent acclimating to college life and responsibilities, so now I was excited to start really being in charge of my own destiny. Everything was finally falling into place, or so I thought. Academically it was still a bit of a struggle. I've always had to work for everything I got. Not like Edward. I'd be the first to admit, Eddie works pretty hard too, but it seemed like he was always just a little bit better at things than I was. It seemed that I was forever trying to catch up with him. Not that he would think of pointing that out to me, Edward never failed to be there for me, supporting and guiding me in whatever I needed.
Yes, all was going well. My classes looked good, nothing I couldn't handle. My amicable roomate spent most of his free time at his fiance's, so I pretty much had the run of our place. I had been seeing the same girl for about six months now and could relax and not worry about trying to find a date for Saturday night, not that I had ever had any trouble in that arena thank you. Joyce and I were in a very comfortable spot in our relationship. Okay, so maybe it wasn't as hot and heavy as I'd hoped it would be, but we were satisfied...I guess.
It was the first Sunday in April and the unusual warm weather had everyone casting off their mundane, regular duties to frolic in the sun. Finding out that my study group had been canceled that day, I decided to head over to Edward's for an early dinner. It was a tradition carried over from our parents. No matter what activities or relationships we were involved in when we were younger, our parents always insisted that the four of us spend Sunday dinner together. No matter what else was going on in our lives, that time was set aside strictly for family. Once we were both away at college, Edward and I voluntarily continued the ritual of Sunday dinners together.
After kocking a few times at his door, with no response, I tried the doorknob and found it was unlocked. Casually entering, I was met with a noise before I could call out for my brother. Following the sound I was drawn to Edward's bedroom in the back of the apartment.
The door was open just a bit and what I saw caused me to halt my footsteps just outside the room.
There was a man on Edward's bed. He was on his hands and knees facing away from the door.
Ed was standing at the foot of the bed behind the man, with his back to me.
They were both naked, their bodies moist and glistening with a fine layer of persperation.
Edward had one hand high on the man's back pushing him down and the other hand was tangled up to the wrist, in long black hair,pulling the guy's head back.
The moans coming from the brownskinned man were a mix of pleasure and pain as Edward pounded into him.
Over and over he thrust his cock in the ass of the beautiful bronze body as I watched, frozen, unable to move from the spot.
I was so aroused at the site. None of my previous sexual expieriences with women had ever stimulated me so forcefully as seeing what the two were engaged in. My breathing quickened and I felt myself grow hard while I watched.
All I could think was I wanted to be there. I wanted it to be me.
But I didnt want to be Edward. I wanted to be that guy. I wanted to be on my knees, bent over in front of Edward while he took me, while he thrust into me. I wanted it to be me that he pounded into over and over again. I wanted Edward to dominate me with his body. I wanted to look over my shoulder and see Ed's face, hard and determined as he forced himself on me seeking his release. I wanted Edward to empty himself into me. I wanted to feel him explode inside me. And as he came, I wanted it to be my name he cried out. Always my name, only MY name. These feelings swept over me in a great wave and the realization of my desires affected me deeply.
They took no notice of me as I watched. The scene, so intoxicating, shook me and my right hand fisted tightly to keep from touching myself. I was riveted, wanting nothing more than to stay and watch the glory of my brother, but I was also scared of the intensity of my own feelings. Reluctantly, I dragged myself from my spot and sought refuge elsewhere.
Waiting in the kitchen, a beer in my shaking hand, I gulped down more than the cold liquid. I could taste the arousal on my tongue. I fought the urge to run to my brother and voice my desire. All this I swallowed down past the lump in my throat. "Shit...Fuck...Jacob" Edward growled out, "Oh, Yes, Edward" his lover cried in response a moment later. I gripped the counter for support, as their voices and images replayed in my head. Not long after, I could hear soft murmurings and the sound of the front door closing.
Edward found me in the kitchen, still disturbed from the experience. He could tell I was upset, but misinterpreted my response as one of revulsion instead of extreme excitement. Immediately he began to appologize, but I waved him off trying to reassure him that it wasn't connected to what had gone on just moments before.
My parents and I were well aware of Ed's sexuality since he had come out while we were still in high school and we had been nothing but supportive over the years. But, he had always been careful not to be too revealing of his activities and relationship's.
Suspicious of my explanation, he let the subject drop and we turned our attention to prepaing our upcoming meal. The tension between us was palpable, but neither felt comfortable enough to address it. For my part, I couldn't keep my mind from returning to my reactions at the display I had witnessed. We ended the evening early, with our usual banter much more forced than we had ever known it to be.
Two month's went by before I found the courage to admit my feelings to my big brother. I spent most of that time thinking constantly of my reaction to what I had witnessed. At first, I tried to deny my feelings. I reminded myself that I was straight for Christ's sake. I had a girlfriend! But, try as I would , my mind kept returning to that day as the dawning of realization opened itself to me.
Joyce could tell something was very off with me and subsequently, our relationship. There was no way I could tell her how I felt. Our sex life had become robotic and almost non-existant. Finally, she made the suggestion that perhaps we should take a break. I felt so guilty. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but I was unable to clear my mind to give her what I knew she needed and deserved.
Our breakup was a peaceful, but sad one. I knew Joyce was confused, but couldn't bring myself to be truthful with her. It was hard enough to admit the truth to myself. I wanted Edward so much that the idea of any other relationship was unthinkable. I also knew that he would never suggest our being together, in that way, himself. So I began leaving subtle hints. He wouldn't take the bait.
Finally, a week after the breakup, I steeled my nerves and admitted my discovery about my homosexuality, to my loving brother, intentionally leaving out the part of my feelings for him of course. His reaction was exactly what I expected. He didn't believe me. He naturally questioned why I had come to this conclusion now, when I had never experienced any inkling before. I had no real answer for him except that I knew that was how I felt. "I just know, alright?", I whined as he eyed me skeptically.
"But you just broke up with Joyce and all of a sudden now you're gay?"
"Its not all of a sudden." My gaze traveled from the floor to meet his stare. "Its what broke us up."
"You told her?", his voice was incredulous as he asked.
"No...I couldn't, but she could tell something was wrong. We kept trying for awhile but it was no use, it only got worse, so we agreed to split up."
Ed'ward head shook sadly while he listened.
"Why won't you believe me?", my voice cracked. "I thought you of all people would understand."
"I can't help but think you're confused, that's all Em. Especially since you say you haven't actually been with a guy yet. You really haven't done anything? I mean you could tell me if you have."
I could swear that I heard a possessive tone in his question, but I convinced myself it was only wishful thinking on my part. "No, I haven't. I'm kinda scared, actually. I'm not sure what I should do."
We continued to talk, settling in on the sofa. Edward draped his arm around my shoulders and I shuddered at the contact. Whether he took notice of my response or not, he never showed it. Supportively, lovingly, he took on the role of a teacher. Explaining to me in graphic detail, what it was like to have sex with another man.
I listened, wrapped up in the sound of his voice and what he was describing to me. After several minutes, I heard him chuckle and looked down to where he was staring, my physical response to his instruction was obvious to anyone. Without much warning, Edward excused himself to his bedroom leaving me to wonder if his departure was in response to the tent in my pants. When he returned moments later, he carried two dvd's and a small stack of magazines.
"Um...these might help a bit..." he said quietly as he offered the porn to me.
"Thanks." I managed to squeek out in my embarrassment.
"Its no problem Em. When you're ready I can give you the addresses of a couple of clubs as well. Or I could show you around personally. Would you rather go with me? Would that make you more comfortable?"
The initial thought that Ed was still trying to protect me ran through my head before I realized he was awaiting my answer. "Yeah...I mean...no...um...I think I should probably go alone." Seeing men hit on my brother, let alone what his response might be to them was something I knew I didn't want to experience. "Besides, I doubt if anyone would look twice at me if you were in the room." I tried to lighten the mood with a lame attempt at humor.
"I seriously doubt that." Edward whispered to himself, as he turned away.
Using the excuse of needing to study for an upcoming exam, I left with my new to me, porn.
I won't lie...the magazines were full of good looking men, but none of them sparked any real interest in me. I could appreciate them, but they didn't get me hard and I doubted if they could get me off.
The same pretty much went for the first movie as well. The sounds were a little stimulating but I didn't find myself attracted to any of the guys on screen. It wasn't until I watched the second film that my attention was captured. There on the screen was a guy who, if I didn't look too close, reminded me a lot of Edward. The more I watched, the more aroused I got. It wasn't long before I was completely hard and even less time before I was jerking off. I can't even remember how many times I played that movie, getting lost in the fantasy that it was Ed and I romping through the film.
Finally, after a few weeks I found myself at a bar after much encouragement from my brother. Yes, men had approached me almost immediately, but none stirred my interest. None knew me, cared about me or looked out for me. None were Edward. After the third visit with no luck, Ed suggested that maybe I was confused, that maybe I wasn't attracted to men afterall, when I couldn't find even one during my searches.
I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. That I had found someone I liked and wanted to be with. That the object of my affection had dark auburn hair, deep green eyes, and a crooked smile.
After one final visit, looking for some who didn't exist, someone to replace Edward in my heart, I knew that I must confront him with my true feelings. But, I knew he wouldn't agree if I were to bring it up. If we were to be together, I would have to catch him unaware, I would have to trick him.
I came up with a ruse of being upset and played on his concern for me. Faking crying over the phone to entice him into coming over, I could hear the worry in his voice. All at once I was no longer pretending as I felt the sting of real tears and the sob in my throat that broke free from it's restraints. He was there in less than six minutes.
We sat on the floor, our backs leaned against the sofa, finishing off the bottle of tequila I had opened before he came. Actually, I drank very little, but kept this fact hidden from my brother. His glass, however, was frequently emptied and I made sure to refill it quickly. I knew what I was doing. I didn't want him completely drunk, that would have been no use to me. I was just trying to loosen him up. To break down his defenses, so that I could breach the wall that kept him from opening up to me.
When he'd had enough, I made my move. My hand had been resting on his thigh and every so often I moved it ever so slighty higher. He didn't push me away, but I couldn't decide whether that was because he liked having my hand there or because he didn't appreciate the significance of it's presence. Finally, with much trepidation, I rested it directly over his crotch. Edward froze, holding his drink in mid air. His head began to turn slightly from side to side as his lips spoke an almost silent "No"
"Please, Edward" I whispered. "Please." My hand pressed more firmly to him and I leaned forward. "Please" I uttered once more as my lips grazed his.
"No Bear, we can't" he mumbled, using his childhood nickname for me.
He tried to pull away from me, but I pushed myself closer to him. Once more I tried to convince him with my mouth. Afterall, he didn't say that he didn't want to, only that we shouldn't. My hand began to gently stroke him over the thick fabric.
"I only want you. Nobody else, just you. Please Eddie, I want to be with you. I want you so much." My lips trailed across his jawline and down his neck as I spoke, I rested my head on his shoulder.
"We can't Bear, we're brothers."
"Don't you want me Eddie? Don't you want me the way I want you?" He half heartedly grasped my wrist as I tried to work him over the stiff denim. His body reacted to my touch, even though his mind fought against it.
"That doesn't matter Em, it's wrong." He wimpered.
"It does matter, it matters if we both want it. Tell me you want it... tell me you want me." I swear I could feel his resolve crumbling. My mouth attacked his neck again with my hot breath and desperate kisses. Eagerly I found his earlobe with my lips and teeth as my right hand continued to assault his growing erection and the fingers of my left weaved through his hair to massage his scalp. The lucious low moans coming from him spurred me on and suddenly Edward was no longer trying to pull my hand away, but was pushing it down to encourage the friction I was attempting to create. My beautiful brother turned his face toward mine, searching my eyes for confirmation of my desire. When he found it, he lost no time crashing his lips to mine as he held my face in his strong hands.
"Oh my God...Bear." He shuddered into my waiting mouth. It was everything I had hoped for. His kiss was so fierce I prayed that I could hang on. Once again I struggled to keep up with Edward.
We continued to try and rip each others faces off with our mouths, allowing our fingers to roam,touch, feel and explore. I thought my head and heart would explode from the sensations of having Edwards hands on me.
My clothes were off in an instant. He then freed himself of his shirt, jeans and underwear. it was then, only then that Ed's face showed the recognition of what was happening. He stalled for a moment, desire clear on his face, but unsure of how to proceed.
As he leaned back, he was exposed to me, before me in breathtakng splendor. We had seen each other with morning wood before and had always laughed it off casually, but he was never like this. Never so fully erect, so beautiful.
"In the table drawer, next to the couch." I whispered. I had left nothing to chance, I had set my stage well. With shaking hands, he retrieved a condom and lube. Taking the condom in my own trembling hands, I tore open the foil to remove it's contents. Looking first in his eyes I slipped the protection on and he shuddered as I held him.
Okay, so I was planning on a very detailed account of their first encounter, but I think this works better. At least for now. Thanks for reading, I hope you all enjoyed it.