9. Walking in the Light
From: J. W. Hale
To: Bella Swan
Date: 04/04/2009
A boyfriend? Really? Did Pirate Guy finally get his act together and ask you out? I've been wondering when he would.
That's great! From what you've told me of him, he sounds like a good guy. I'm happy for you. Unless it's not Pirate Guy, of course. If that's the case, my response is a confused expression and the following question: why are you dating someone who isn't the man you've been talking about for months? Perhaps you should consider dumping him and becoming Pirate Guy's wench instead.
Is "wench" offensive? I'm no good at political correctness.
Love,
Jasper
-oOo-
From: Bella Swan
To: J. W. Hale
Date: 04/05/2009
Yes, really. And yes, it's Pirate Guy, but I'll have you know that I asked him out. Well, sort of. I kissed him, and then there was a conversation. But I initiated it, so I insist on being given points for bravery.
Is this weird for you? I don't want to make you uncomfortable, given my past with your brother. I know that if my friend dumped Jessica and she and I started corresponding through e-mail, I'd feel a bit odd chatting about her new boyfriend. So if it's not something you want to discuss, just say the word.
"Wench" is probably not the most PC word out there, but I don't care. I'm not offended. :)
How's the book coming along, by the way? I keep forgetting to ask: are you writing it under a pseudonym? I'm sure Pirate Guy would love to read it, but I've held off telling him about it. He's originally from Forks. I'm not sure how to explain if he sees a familiar name on the cover and starts asking questions about how someone who is supposed to be just a year older than us came to write a history textbook.
Love,
Bella
-oOo-
From: J. W. Hale
To: Bella Swan
Date: 04/06/2009
Absolutely. Full points awarded for bravery. It's never easy to be the one to make that first leap, even if it was blatantly obvious that he felt the same way.
It is a little strange to discuss your new boyfriend, I suppose. Even stranger is the fact that I don't really think of you as that Bella anymore. I know you're the same person; I'm not delusional. It's just difficult, at times, for my mind to reconcile its image of the woman you've become with the memory of the insecure little girl who thought she wasn't worth the effort we put forth to save her life. I think it's always that way, once you get to be a certain age and the children around you start growing into remarkable adults without warning. It makes you do a double-take, asking yourself, "Is she really the little one I knew?" Kids seem to grow up faster when you're old.
You can continue to tell me about Pirate Guy, if you want. It's up to you. If listening and being happy for you is a betrayal of Edward, then the blame rests with me. He'd probably consider it a betrayal if he knew how long we've been corresponding, anyway.
The book is nearing completion. Yes, I'm going to publish it under a pseudonym, but I've been struggling to choose one. Perhaps I should go with J. Percival Whitlock. Or maybe J. Percival McCarty (Emmett's surname)? J. Percival Platt (Esme's)? Well, J. Percival Something, at any rate.
Love,
Jasper
-oOo-
From: J. W. Hale
To: Bella Swan
Date: 05/24/2009
Guess where Emmett is taking me today.
-oOo-
From: Bella Swan
To: J. W. Hale
Date: 05/24/2009
Funkytown?
-oOo-
From: J. W. Hale
To: Bella Swan
Date: 05/24/2009
Ha. No, not quite. We're going skydiving. It's his birthday, and he's been saying for weeks that this is all he wants.
I'll send you a message when I get back, so you know I haven't crashed into a mountain.
-oOo-
Jasper laughed. The wind buffeted his body as he floated above a patchwork quilt of fields. Stretching out his arms and legs, he wondered how this must feel to humans, with the adrenaline that pounded through their breakable bodies. Even for someone who was accustomed to moving quickly, it was exhilarating. Running never felt like this.
Reluctantly, he activated his parachute and ended his free-fall. When he landed on the soft grass of his target, he found his family waiting for him.
"How'd you like it?" Emmett asked. "Great, right? I'm thinking it should be an annual tradition. Emmett Day is now also Skydiving Day."
Jasper grinned. "What about all of the other activities you had planned? Street luge? Base jumping?"
"Oh, yeah. Okay. Scratch that. Emmett Day is now also Make Edward Try New Extreme Sports Day."
Jasper basked in the lingering excitement that bounced around from person to person. Looking up, he smiled to see the bright red of Edward's parachute. Edward had insisted upon being the last to leap from the plane piloted by Esme. Until that moment, Jasper had wondered if he was really going to jump at all.
Everyone rushed to greet Edward as he touched down, all smiles and shouted greetings.
"I can't believe you actually did it!" Rosalie said.
"Yeah he did!" Emmett said. "Told you he would. Pay up, babe."
"See, Edward?" Leah said. "It was fine. I told you there was no reason to be such a giant pussy."
Edward laughed, his eyes bright and his emotions lighter than Jasper had felt in years.
"When can we do that again?"
-oOo-
Peeling off her yellow rubber gloves, Bella slumped onto her bed. That was it. There was officially nothing left in Charlie's house to dust, scrub, or polish. When she looked at the digital clock on the desk, her tired eyes saw a fuzzy halo around the glowing red numbers.
Not surprising, as the time was apparently almost 4:00 AM. She'd been on a cleaning spree for three hours, trying to quiet her racing mind and wipe her worries away with the scent of lemon furniture polish and Windex.
It hadn't worked.
Her first instinct was to press the power button on her computer and write to Jasper, but she recoiled from that idea. She couldn't turn to him for this. As open as they were with each other, there were some things that were still too personal. This was one of them.
Leaning over the side of the bed, she fished a notebook and pen out of her desk drawer. Maybe it would help to get her thoughts out on paper.
Alice,
You couldn't have seen my decision to write this letter before you died, so I don't know why I'm addressing it to you. I could make it an entry in a journal I don't keep or write a note to Angela or my mom. Instead, here I am, creating undeliverable mail. Even if I had a hundred girlfriends to offer me advice on this subject, I'd probably still want to talk to you.
I think my boyfriend wants to have sex.
No, actually, I know he wants to have sex. Not that he's pressuring me or anything like that. He's really sweet — you'd like him.
The thing is...I want to sleep with him. Everything we've done so far has felt good and right and...ugh, did I mention good? I've never been uncomfortable or thought, "I'm not ready for this." We're both home for the summer, and now is the perfect time for this to happen, since his parents are away for a couple of weeks.
So why am I so damn scared? I feel ridiculous. I'm 21, not 15. I shouldn't be scrolling through Yahoo Answers to find personal accounts of how much the first time hurts for a girl.
Yeah, I actually did that. Then I laughed at myself.
I know the mechanics, how to be safe — all of that good stuff. And yet, part of me is apparently still a teenager, because when he put his hand under my shirt earlier tonight, I started worrying about whether I'd be any good. There he was, groping me, and even though I was enjoying it, I thought, "Is he disappointed? There isn't much there to feel."
Like he didn't already know that before we got to...what base is that? Second? It doesn't matter. The point is: he knew what was there (or, well, what wasn't there) from the start. He has eyes. So I shouldn't worry about it, right? He's clearly attracted to me — flat chest and all.
As frustrated as I am and as much as I want more (as much as I want him), I can't seem to force my insecurities away. I mean, what if I'm one of those rare women who bleeds like crazy, and then I see the blood and pass out? I've come a long way in conquering my blood phobia, but I think something like that would definitely cause a setback. It'll be his first time, too. Which I guess means he won't be able to tell if I'm horrible, but I want it to be good for him.
I don't know. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm forever daydreaming of sex with Austin. My mind wanders in the supermarket, in the shower, when boring people are talking to me...all the time. I'm a lot bolder in my daydreams, with none of the hang-ups or baggage. Stupid, confident Daydream Bella. Where is she when I need her?
I'm not sure writing this really solved anything, but I think I needed to get it out. I wish you were here. Not because I'm lacking a confidant/sex therapist, but for Jasper. For you.
I miss you.
Love,
Bella
-oOo-
Sniffling, Bella scrubbed at her damp cheeks with the back of her hand. A sob shuddered its way through her body. Crumpled bits of pink tissue paper littered her bed: shrapnel from the white box that held the scraps of lace that had brought her to tears.
She knew, even before reading the enclosed card, who had sent them. A gift of expensive lingerie resulted in only one name on her list of suspects. If death was taken into account, the list dwindled to none.
With trembling hands, she picked up the card.
Dear Bella,
I hope I got the timing right on this one. It's really, really hard to tell. So many factors to consider, so many decisions yet to be made. This is my best guess. I don't even know who the lucky guy could be. If I'm too soon, then just put these away for when the time is right. If I'm too late, then I am so sorry. No one should be caught wearing sensible white cotton briefs on the night they lose their virginity.
If I know you (and I think I do), you're slipping back into the old habit of doubting your self-worth. Don't. Not even for a second. Letting someone see you naked and vulnerable can be a daunting prospect, but remember: he thinks you're beautiful, even if you don't (crazy girl; you should get your vision checked).
Oh, and Bella...he's a guy. He's going to have a good time. I promise. Just do what feels right, and try to relax. And wear the enclosed bra and panties, of course. Wearing sexy things under your regular clothes can go a long way toward making you feel confident and desirable. Confidence, by the way, is always hot.
Please don't cry. I love you. Always, always, always.
— Alice
Part of Bella wanted to race to her computer and tell Jasper that she'd received mail from Alice, but she decided against it. This seemed like something that should belong to Bella and Alice alone. One final secret, shared between them.
As she fell back against her pillows, she let out a choked laugh. Alice had written more on the back of the card.
PS: Get some cucumber slices or chilled spoons to help with those puffy eyes. Didn't I tell you not to cry?
PPS: I can't really talk. I'd cry if our situations were reversed. My body can't produce tears, but I'd find a way.
-oOo-
With a happy sigh, Bella wrapped her arms around Austin's shoulders and pulled him down for another kiss. Rosy light from the rising sun spilled over his bare chest, highlighting every freckle. She let her hands wander down his back until they rested on the waistband of his pajamas, slung low on his hips.
"You sure you don't want me to get dressed and drive you home?" he said.
"I'm sure, but thanks."
As they stood on his parents' front porch and shared ten times more goodbye kisses than they usually would, Bella allowed her mind to drift back to the night before, focusing on the details.
The heartbroken expression that flitted across his face when she winced in pain. The unexpected discoveries: his ticklish belly, the way he reached out for her in his sleep. His unskilled touches — not rough, but not reverent, either. His hands moved over her like she was real — his equal. The way he gasped her name. His transfixed stare when Alice's gift was revealed. The whispered declaration of love that he saved for after the fact. His brilliant smile when she said it back.
"I wish we were back in Portland already," he said, his voice bringing her attention back to the present. "I hate having to sneak around like a couple of kids."
"Me too. Is it okay if I come back after Charlie goes to work? I have the day off, and we only have a few more days of privacy before your parents and brother get back..."
He grinned. "Of course. See you then."
"Bye."
Another five kisses, and she was on her way. As she wandered through the streets of Forks, she fell back on her old habit of wrapping her arms around her middle — not because it felt as though a gaping hole had appeared in her chest, but because she thought she might burst at the seams if she didn't hold herself together. Cautious hope bloomed underneath her skin, too beautiful to contain. Looking up at the brightening sky, she hummed one of her favorite songs from Emily's sheet music.
This was no walk of shame.
She was so absorbed in her happy thoughts, she didn't realize she wasn't alone until it was too late.
The two moved as one. Black eyes narrowed and mouths stretched into feral grins as they landed in front of her. The female half of the pair was short to the male's tall — delicate and deadly. A breeze fluttered through their white-blond hair, carrying their intoxicating scent to Bella. Early morning light set their skin sparkling.
Bella tried to say something — to mention the wolves or even the Cullens, but fright made the words freeze in her throat. One thought screamed through her mind again and again.
Not now.
The male chuckled.
"Hello."