Chapter Nine

Emotions were a great deal like ocean waves. Sometimes they could crest impossibly high, soaring to almost impossible heights and then other times they could pitch extremely low, taking a person deep into the bowels of despair. The days following Lin Beifong's birth proved to be like that for Aang. The day she had been born had been an emotional high point for him, an instant of rebirth and newness and burgeoning hope. But much too soon after that, those good feelings fled and left Aang feeling as empty and as hopeless as he had been on the day Katara died. He was in the downward swing of the wave and, at times, it felt like he might never resurface.

In the beginning, he hadn't known what lay ahead for him. Aang had spent the night with Toph following Lin's birth because he hadn't wanted to leave her alone and also because they were both beyond exhausted. Even still, that whole night neither of them slept very much because they were too preoccupied with marveling over the baby and all that they'd accomplished together. The following morning, reinforcements arrived in the form of Sokka and Suki, affording Aang with a bit of respite and the opportunity to return home to relieve Bao and spend time with his children. It was that night, after Kya, Bumi and Tenzin had been put to bed that Aang was suddenly hit with a profound sense of loss and sadness…and the feeling continued with him in the days that followed.

All the shared moments with Toph that night…waking with the baby, assisting her with that first awkward feeding, and even the simple wonder that came with caring for a newborn…those were all the things that he had missed with Katara after Tenzin's birth. There had been no sleepy conversations with the baby settled between them, no soft exchanges on a job well done, no laughter over things said in the heat of the moment, no persistent need to hold and cuddle their newborn. Aang couldn't even remember the hours that followed Tenzin's birth. He hadn't even wanted to look at the baby much less hold him.

Instead of nuzzling her newborn son, Katara's body had been prepared for burial while Aang had fallen into denial. He couldn't face the prospect of going on with his life without her and so he chose simply not to deal with it. The recollection of that time was strange now because there was a part of him that regretted those missed moments with Tenzin. There was a part of him that wanted to go back and do it all over again…to do it better. But then there was also a part of him that was glad those moments had been lost and forgotten. There was that part of him that never wanted to go back at all…because going back meant reliving Katara's death and that was not something Aang was emotionally equipped to do.

And so he remained in a perpetual state of limbo. Hopeful then not hopeful. Healing then not healing. Yearning for something more and, conversely, wanting nothing at all. Invariably then, Aang began to isolate himself once more. He became less engaged. The time he spent with the children began to slowly dwindle. As if they sensed his descending depression and were fearful of where it might lead, Kya and Bumi began to cling to him. Aang would often wake in the mornings to find himself sandwiched between them, their small bodies wedged against his sides in unconscious cuddles. It was a stark reminder to him that he hadn't lost everything and that he still had plenty for which to fight.

It was that irrefutable reality that ultimately forced Aang from his bed again and compelled him to rejoin the living after nearly two weeks of living in a fog. He made himself get up because he knew that lying down wasn't an option. In gradual stages then, he resumed his routine. He spent time with his children again. He went to work. He very steadily began to socialize with others. And he tried to remind himself that he still had reasons to be happy. But on his loneliest days, the dojo still called to him and the prospect of finding Katara again in the spirit world simply would not leave him alone.

Nearly three weeks after Lin's birth, Aang could no longer resist the call. After ushering Kya and Bumi off to school and entrusting Bao with Tenzin's care, Aang shut himself away in his dojo to meditate. As a result of his lack of success with previous attempts, Aang decided to alter his approach this time. Rather than trying to push thoughts of Katara from his mind and suppress all the anguish that came with them, Aang embraced them instead.

He let the memories of her wash over him in a painful wave…the fall of her hair when she threw back her head and laughed the subtle rolling of her eyes when she was annoyed with him, the sweet soprano of her voice as she sang their children to sleep at night. He remembered it all, every poignant, agonizing detail and he embraced it and the heartache that came with it. And when he opened his eyes again Aang was in the very place he'd been seeking all along.

Aang sucked in a breath at the world that surrounded him, a mystical forest bathed in hazy purple hues and gossamer mist. He took a cautious step forward, feeling almost as if he was dreaming. The ground sagged underneath his feet. Yet, when his bare toes sank into the marshy earth beneath him and he glided his hands along the mossy bark of the gnarled trees along his path, Aang knew that his surroundings were very real.

But that was hardly reassuring. His hold on the place felt tenuous, not particularly anchored at all…as if he might float away at any given moment. It felt very different from all the other times he'd traveled to the spirit world. His presence felt…unstable, odd. Somehow, Aang knew then that his time was limited even if he didn't fully understand the reason why.

His heart began a wobbly knock against his ribcage with the realization. He needed to find Katara. It took a few attempts to throw off his shock and disbelief and when he first called out for her, her name escaped him as little more than a whisper. He was surprised by how hoarse and unfamiliar his voice sounded even to his own ears. He tried again, louder and more insistent this time. His heart rate grew more rapid. Aang pivoted about in the fog, his feet glancing the ground as he desperately searched for some glimpse of her.

"Katara! If you're here, please answer me. Tell me where to find you!"

He could hear the echoes in the distance…laughing, sighing, whispering…all beckoning him closer. Yet, just as the heavy fog seemed to part and open for him, Aang could hear his name being called. His heart seized in his chest. His throat constricted. His limbs began to shake. He could almost sense Katara's presence surrounding him and he knew that she was near. Yet, in spite of the fact he could practically feel her nearness, Aang slowly came to realize that the sound of his name wasn't coming from the bowels of the spirit forest at all, but from further away…from another realm entirely.

Aang could hear the calls for him coming from the physical world. He wanted to ignore the urgency in the cries, but he couldn't. They were pulling him. They penetrated his subconscious although Aang made a conscious effort to shut them out. He wasn't concerned with anything happening beyond the spirit forest. He didn't want to acknowledge anything that could distract him from finding his wife.

Still, the pleas for aid resonated in his mind. "…Please, please, Avatar Aang! We need your help! It's Chief Beifong! She needs you." She needs you. The words were echoing in Aang's ears as he was abruptly slammed back into his body. In an instant, the purple forest was gone and he was once again back in the physical realm.

When Aang popped open his eyes he found the panicked face of one of Toph's servants filling his line of sight. To have been so close only to be snatched away so unexpectedly filled Aang with frustrated rage. Without a proper channel for it, he took that anger out on the hapless servant who had dared to break his concentration in the first place.

"What?" he growled impatiently, his brows drawn together in a deep scowl, "What is it? What do you want? Speak!"

The servant cowered in reaction, stammering out an answer to the Avatar's brusque demands. "It's…It's Chief Beifong, sir. She's very ill. We need you."

The words managed to penetrate the cloud of anger filling Aang's brain. His aggravation melted away in an instant. "What's happened?"

"She's been shut away in her room for three days now and she won't see anyone."

Alarm propelled Aang to his feet. "I'll be right there."

When he arrived at the house, Aang could hear yelling in the background to be left alone. In amongst her bellows were Lin's strident cries for her mother, but given the fact that the baby continued to wail, Aang could only assume that her needs were going unsatisfied. He quickly made a beeline for the nearest servant in order to get a more detailed account of what had occurred.

According to her servants, she hadn't gone near her own daughter in days and she had been emotionally detached from the child for even longer than that. If their stories were to be believed, Toph's difficulty with handling the newborn had eventually caused her to distance herself further and further away from the baby until, finally, she had nothing to do with Lin at all. Unfortunately, Aang couldn't verify their stories with any personal experience of his own. He hadn't seen much of Toph since a few days after Lin's birth and when he had been with her, he had been very socially engaged.

Since then, he had been too preoccupied with his own pain to check in on her regularly. On some level, he had known that he should support Toph, but when his depression was in full swing, Aang had literally been unable to move from his bed. He had justified his neglect with the fact that Toph now had servants and nursemaids to care for and help her now. She didn't need him so much anymore. But that was clearly not the case.

With guilt settling into his gut like a leaden weight, Aang knocked on Toph's bedroom door and then entered without waiting for her to invite him inside. She lay curled up on her bed, looking as if she hadn't slept or showered in a week and also like she didn't care either. Near the door lay the broken debris, shattered rocks and splintered vases…the tangible results of every other hapless individual's attempt to slip past her threshold. Aang held his breath, expecting a similar welcome from her.

He knew that she was aware of his presence because she tensed almost the instant he stepped into the room, but she said nothing at all. Instead, she curled her body into an even tighter ball. Encouraged, Aang carefully closed the door behind him. Toph grunted when he did, acknowledging his presence for the first time.

"Well, look who finally remembered that I'm alive," she mumbled gruffly. She pushed her face deep into her pillow. Her words were muffled when she demanded, "What do you want, Aang?"

"Your servant came to me," he told her as he gradually crossed the room towards her, "He was worried. He said you were ill."

She lifted her head long enough to retort, "Like you care."

"I'm here, aren't I?"

She scoffed at the response. "Don't do me any favors! I haven't heard from you in nearly two weeks and now I'm supposed to think you care?" Toph snorted. "Whatever. Go home, Aang."

Aang eased down on the edge of her bed, only a few inches from where she lay. "I didn't know that you needed me," he whispered, "Had I known, I would have been here, Toph."

"Yeah…I'm totally convinced."

Her mocking rejoinder was virtually drowned in the pillow, but Aang understood her just fine. He heaved an expansive sigh. "Will you, at least, turn around and face me?"

"Why? What's the point? It's not like I can see you whether I stay in this position or not!"

"Then why is your face shoved into a pillow?"

Toph flopped onto her back with an aggravated growl. "Haven't you ever heard of dramatic effect?" Though it was her usual flippant remark, there was a noticeable lack of pop and zing behind her words. She said the words, but there was no heart behind them…no Toph.

"I know you're angry with me," Aang said, "You have every right to be. I bailed on you. I've been a lousy friend."

"You left me here alone with that baby," she muttered, "You knew I didn't know what I was doing and you left me."

Deciding to refrain from questioning her on why she was referring to her daughter as "that baby," Aang instead addressed the hurt feelings he had inadvertently caused her. "I'm sorry, Toph," he sighed contritely, "The only thing I can say is that I've been in a really bad place ever since Lin was born and it's been hard to get out of it. But I'm here now."

Some of the tension eased from Toph's body and she became slightly less rigid with Aang's whispered confession. "Everything that happened made you think of Katara, didn't it?"

"Everything, period, makes me think of Katara," he murmured, "But yeah…it brought up all the feelings I had from the day she died and I felt like I had lost her all over again. I wasn't trying to ignore you."

"It's okay…" Toph muttered, the rest of her resentment seeping from her, "I figured that's what it had to be when you started getting so withdrawn. I know that you're still having a hard time. It's just that… I've really needed you here, Aang."

"You've been having a really tough time, huh?"

"I don't think I'm cut out to be a mother. I've changed my mind about it."

"Toph, I think it's a little late for that," Aang interjected hesitantly and when she appeared unconcerned with that he asked with equal tentativeness, "What about Lin's father? Has he been here to see her? Maybe he could help take the burden off of you."

Toph snorted a derisive laugh. "Hah! That's the irony of my life, Aang. When I wanted him to leave me alone, I couldn't shake the guy. And now that I need him around to help me with the kid, he's decided that he can't handle the responsibility of being a father, so…he left. Big surprise, I'm sure."

"Oh, Toph, that's terrible. I'm so sorry…"

"So now I'm stuck with her. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck."

It wasn't exactly the way Aang would have expected a new mother to speak about her newborn, but he was discerning enough to realize that something deeper was going on with Toph. "Tell me what happened," he urged, "What changed, Toph? You seemed like you were doing so well at first."

"I was doing well because you were here to help me," Toph emphasized, "After you were gone though, it felt like the walls were closing in on me."

"Is that why you've been distancing yourself from Lin?" Aang wondered softly. Toph flinched guiltily. "The servants told me."

"You don't understand. She doesn't like me at all," Toph confessed miserably, "Every time I try to hold her or go near her or even step in her direction she starts screaming bloody murder. She screams and screams. It doesn't matter what I do. She's always screaming. All day. Every day. It's always in my head. I'm doing this wrong, Aang. I'm not good at it."

"Toph, what you're feeling is perfectly natural," Aang soothed, "This is only 'new mom' jitters."

"No. It's more than that," Toph replied in an emphatic tone, "I don't think I should keep her. I can't… There's all this…weird stuff in my head…the things I think about… I can't handle her. She's too overwhelming." She grasped hold of Aang's wrist and dragged him closer as she lowered her tone to an almost fanatical whisper, "I think she's driving me crazy."

Aang nodded in understanding, his heart lurching a little with her whispered confession. He wasn't an expert by any means, but he'd heard Katara mention in years past about women who literally became unable to care for themselves or their babies following childbirth. She'd told him that sometimes the woman went "a little crazy" afterwards and that it was a dangerous time for her emotionally.

Katara had warned him because she'd wanted him to recognize the signs in case she became ill after giving birth. The good news was that the condition usually cleared itself in six months or so and the mother seemed to recover without complications. Aang wondered if that was the thing that was happening to Toph now. He couldn't deny that she sounded a "little crazy" right now.

Right then, Aang recognized that Toph was going to need his help…and a lot of it. He couldn't help but feel torn with guilt and regret. Only an hour ago, he had come ridiculously close to finding Katara in the spirit world and it seemed that everything he wanted was finally within his grasp. But what had only been a few minutes in his conscious mind had taken nearly four hours in the physical world. Time was different there. Aang couldn't afford the luxury of disappearing from his life for days or weeks in order to find Katara, especially now with Toph so ill, but at the same time, he didn't know how he was supposed to not do it. The unfortunate truth of it all was that he couldn't be in two places at once.

His thoughts were disorganized and his feelings even more frenzied but, Aang tabled that emotional dilemma in order to focus on Toph. He reached over to squeeze her hand. "What do you want me to do, Toph?" Aang asked her, "How can I help you?"

"You can take her to another family," Toph suggested desperately, "Find someone who will love her and take care of her, Aang, because I can't do it!"

"You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do! Take her away! I can't do it! I'm telling you that I can't!"

"Yes, you can," he urged her, "What if I helped you?"

"You? What exactly are you supposed to do?" Toph snorted, "You can barely help yourself, Aang! Forgive the pun, but it would be like the blind leading the blind. You're as much of a mess as I am."

"I know. But maybe together we could be less of a mess."

Toph fell quiet and contemplated his offer for a few seconds before shaking her head in refusal. "I know you want to support me, Aang, but I don't think this is something you can fix. Something is wrong with me…and it didn't start until she got here. But if you take her away, I can get better. She can have a good mother and I can get better."

"Toph, I'm not going to do that. You're not thinking clearly."

"You don't know what I'm going through, Aang!" she flared.

"Let me take a guess…" he whispered, "You can't get out of bed. You don't want to eat. You can't sleep. You can't think. You can't even rest. You think about crazy things like walking to the edge of a cliff and jumping, but you know you're an airbender and that probably won't kill you, so you have to think of something else.

"And then you realize if you do that…if you did succeed in killing yourself, then you'd leave your children behind and they'll suffer over having lost both their mother and their father. Perhaps, they'll even blame themselves and you can't live with that. So then you think maybe you should take them with you…maybe that might be a better solution. It's at that point that you realize those thoughts are totally insane and that you're losing it, which only frightens you and makes you want to stay in bed even more." He listened closely as Toph expelled a shaky breath. "Am I close?"

"How did you know that, Aang?" she whispered tremulously.

"Now you know how it feels to be me, Toph."

"It's not the same. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way," she mumbled, curling onto her side once more, "Your wife died. It makes sense that you would go to a dark, crazy place. But I had a baby. That's supposed to be a happy thing. I'm supposed to be happy…and I'm not…and I don't know why."

"I don't either. But I know that it's going to pass someday."

"It hasn't for you," Toph pointed out sullenly.

"I'm a work in progress," he replied in a wry tone.

Toph lifted her head in surprise. "Hey…you just made a joke."

Aang startled with surprise of his own. "Yeah. I guess I did."

"It wasn't very funny though."

"Sorry. I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things."

"Joking, good or bad, doesn't answer how I'm going to fix this," Toph mumbled, "I know I'm supposed to get in there and be her mother, but I don't have any motivation to do that, Aang. I don't even know if I want to."

"I'll help you."

"Which brings me right back around to my original argument…if you can't help yourself, how are you supposed to help me?"

"Toph, the last thing you want to do right now is isolate yourself. I've done that for nearly two weeks now and all that did was make me feel worse. So I'm thinking that maybe that's the key with this thing…whatever this is going on with us," he reasoned, "When we want to hide ourselves away and shut out the world, that's exactly when we shouldn't."

"So are you saying that instead of trying to run from Lin, I should work on being her mother instead? Because, I gotta tell you, Aang…that is easier said than done. She's barely the size of a watermelon and she weighs even less, but she terrifies me!"

Because she sounded so overwhelmed even contemplating the prospect, Aang reached over to grip her hand and give it a comforting squeeze. "So take small steps," he suggested, "Set a goal and take small steps to get there."

"How do I do that?"

"Make it up in your mind what you're going to do for the day and then do it. It doesn't have to be something big or complicated either. It can be something simple…like rocking Lin in your arms for a few minutes or giving her a bath…or bathing yourself. Brushing your teeth. Combing your hair. Anything to get out of this bed! Don't fall into this trap of shutting yourself away in your room, Toph. It doesn't lead to anything positive."

It was strange how Toph's problems were serving as mirror to Aang on all the wrong ways he had been coping since Katara's death. His sadness and despair were real and pervasive and they weren't going to go away overnight, if they even went away at all, but the way he had been reacting to his grief hadn't helped matters. In fact, his sadness and despair had only worsened. However, now that he could see his missteps clearly, Aang felt confident that he could help Toph through her own crisis…and help himself in the process as well. He could feel hope start to swell in him again, blooming from the tiny seed that had been planted in his heart the day Lin was born.

"I have an idea about how to help you," Aang told her.

"And what idea is that, Aang?" Toph queried unenthusiastically, "Go on. Wow me."

"It's simple. I don't know why I didn't think of it before." He sucked in a dramatic breath and said, "Move in with me, Toph. I think that you and Lin should come to Air Temple Island and live with me and the kids for a little while."