A/N: I am back! After way too long, and too much silence. Also in the process of moving across the country, so pretty much everything I own is in a box or suitcase at the moment. But I said a long time ago, when I first started writing fanfiction, that I wouldn't never leave a story unfinished. It might take me six year, but I'll finish it. So I have returned with an update, and another chapter I'm almost halfway through writing. I'm going to aim for updating on Mondays, and go from there. The end of July might get a little messy with my second book, With or Without You, coming out on the 21st and packing up a moving truck to drive from the east coast to the west coast, but we'll get to that when we get to that! :D
So enjoy! I'll see you guys next week!
Owl Post
Chapter 10
The winter holidays flew by too fast for Kurt's liking. Every other day, Blaine arrived at the shop to see him. They went on lunch dates and snowy strolls through the alley, even ventured into Muggle London to see a movie one evening. It was almost perfect, and perfectly lovely, but Kurt's chest ached a little more with each date.
Because they were dates now. Blaine had gone so far as to clarify on their last meeting before they headed back to school.
"So these are, like, real dates, right? We aren't going to just suddenly pretend none of this happened when we're back at Hogwarts tomorrow, are we?"
And Kurt had agreed instantly. How could he not after the heartache he'd already put Blaine through?
Yet the guilt weighed more with every smile and kiss. By the time he'd clicked his trunk closed in preparation to depart to King's Cross, Kurt's resolve was stronger than ever. He had to tell him. Today. And if he ruined everything, then at least he was honest.
"Kurt, hurry up! We've still got to pick up Mercedes!"
Finn barged in a few seconds later.
"Come on, man. We can't be late."
"Sure we can, that's what Floo Powder is for."
Finn flopped down on Kurt's bed and tugged at his Slytherin scarf still knotted around the bedpost. "Why are you all frowny? I figure you'd be excited to see Blaine today. Aren't you two, like, dating now?"
A knot of fear twisted in Kurt's throat. "Who told you that?"
"Well, Burt said you two have been going out for lunch all week," Finn said. "He was telling Mom all about it over breakfast. They both seemed pretty happy."
"Here, take my trunk downstairs so I can carry McQueen."
"You don't seem very happy about having a boy—uumph!"
Kurt shoved his trunk against Finn until he was out in the hall and heading downstairs. McQueen hooted dolefully from the window ledge.
"I'm going to tell Blaine the truth today," Kurt said. McQueen hooted and nodded his head. "I've got to before this gets any further. I've already messed this up beyond repair probably."
A sad hoot, but McQueen hopped into his cage willingly. Kurt pulled his scarf and gloves on and headed downstairs. Everything was already packed into the boot and the backseat. He set McQueen inside next to Finn and climbed in beside him.
"Ready then? We're going to be late," Carole said from the driver's seat. "Especially with me trying to drive this Muggle contraption."
"You've been doing fine," Burt said. "But if we're taking a road trip this spring, then I'm not the only one who's driving us all over the country."
"Your father's just too scared to use Floo Powder again."
Kurt gave his best smile at her in the rearview mirror as they pulled onto the road. Today was the day. It was difficult to think of anything else. They stopped at Mercedes's house in the Muggle suburbs and picked her up. As she squeezed in beside Kurt, he swallowed. Mercedes would notice his nerves immediately and since Finn knew he and Blaine had been going on dates, Mercedes was undoubtedly about to find out too.
"Hey Kurt, Finn. How was Christmas?"
"Great. I got that new sweater I've been—"
"And a boyfriend," Finn interjected. "Blaine's his—"
"Finn!"
"Oh, so you two are finally together." Mercedes grinned and did her best to hug him in the crammed backseat. "Kurt, that's great! I need all the details."
"Umm, well…" His stomach churned and his eyes flickered to his dad's smile from the passenger seat. "Later, okay?"
"But—oh right." Mercedes at least caught on. "We've got the whole train ride to sort it out. Well, part of it. I'm sure you'll be busy elsewhere…"
"Hush."
Burt and Carole laughed. Even Finn grinned at Kurt's blush, but Kurt didn't laugh. None of them understood the full truth. The person closest to that was Mercedes and who knew what she'd say once he told her. Although, how she didn't know from the rumors that had spread before break was beyond him. Everyone in the castle seemed to have known Blaine had been stood up in Hogsmeade. Or at least, everyone assumed after the rumors Sebastian and Santana had started.
They reached King's Cross at a quarter to eleven. Burt and Carole helped them pile out and put their trunks and owls on carts. As Finn led the way onto platform nine and three-quarters, Kurt hung back with his dad.
"What's the matter, bud? You look sick."
"I'm… I'm fine. Just nervous, I guess."
Burt chuckled as Mercedes and Carole took the barrier between platforms nine and ten at a run. He patted Kurt on the shoulder.
"First love's are like that. Not saying you two are, you know, not yet." Burt gave an awkward grunt as they leaned against the wall and slipped onto the platform. "In love or anything. That's ridiculous at—well, it's just a nervous thing, first boyfriends. A lot of unknowns to navigate. A lot of firsts, too. Come on, let's get this trunk on before the train leaves."
Kurt helped his dad heave his trunk onto the train as Carole helped Mercedes wedge hers through the door. They dropped their luggage and owls in an empty compartment near the end and leaned out the window. Finn had already disappeared, and since he wasn't towering over the rest of the crowd on the platform, Kurt assumed he'd found Puck and was already onboard.
Burt reached up to shake Kurt's hand. "You study hard, okay? You're going to need the best grades for the Healers' Academy. No slacking off even if you do have a boyfriend now."
Kurt nodded as Carole raised herself up to try to hug him. He leaned down to embrace her. "Don't take him too seriously, okay, Kurt? You and Blaine are adorable and if you slip up a little well you'll still have high grades."
Kurt smiled as they broke apart. "I love you. I'll spend you the dates for the Quidditch games soon. We don't play Finn until the end of the semester."
"We'll be there," Burt said.
The train whistle blew and a billowing plume of steam rose from the engine. Kurt slid back inside the window and waved with Mercedes. He watched his dad and Carole until they were around the corner and out of sight.
"Okay, so details. Now."
Mercedes pulled Kurt down onto a seat, grinning. Kurt, however, fiddled with the lock on McQueen's cage.
"Oh, come on, Kurt, please. Last I heard you were writing to him and then he asked you to Hogsmeade and then—oh. Oh. Kurt, no."
That had been easier than expected, but still Kurt played it off. "No what?"
"You did not leave that poor boy standing in Hogsmeade by himself," Mercedes said and she looked furious. "Because he was absolutely crushed. He barely spoke in classes for a week and—"
The door slid open. Finn ducked in—literally ducked because he was too tall to fit into the hall or compartments anymore—and waved for Kurt's attention.
"Hey, did you grab my—"
"Gloves? Scarf?" Kurt pulled his trunk out of the luggage rack and dug up Finn's items. Since third year he'd made a habit of packing them with his stuff after the winter holidays. Somehow, despite several years where Finn hadn't been allowed into his room, Finn's scarf and gloves always found their way under the door and onto Kurt's dresser.
"Here."
"Thanks. Mike Chang's looking for you two. He said the prefect's meeting is at one o'clock. Oh, and Blaine was with him. I told him you were down here. Bye!"
Finn slammed the compartment door shut. Kurt shoved his trunk back into the luggage rack as Mercedes clicked her tongue behind him.
"So I need the full story. Starting with those letters because you two are dating and none of this makes any sense."
Kurt sighed but retook his seat. For twenty minutes he talked from the letters to their almost date in Hogsmeade to his long trail of untruthfulness and the double life he'd been living. Finally, when Kurt had finished Mercedes shook her head.
"You've got to tell him."
"I'm going to. Today. This is—I've messed up completely. Whatever we have is ruined even though he likes me because I was a coward."
But Mercedes only shook her head again as she stood up. "Ruined everything? With someone else maybe, but Blaine… he's a sweet guy. A forgiving, caring, honest boy. I think he'll still give you a chance if he likes you that much, it just might take him some time to work through all of this."
Kurt, however, had his doubts but he didn't voice them. This was his battle. Or disaster as it were. He'd made this mess and it was nobody else's job to do anything more than listen to what he'd done. Mercedes shifted topics to the Quidditch season then, telling him all about her issues with Finn as captain and how some days she wished she'd drop her Beater position and just wait until after Hogwarts.
"He'd get a real dose of reality if I quit. Our only backup for Beater is this scrawny little second year who's got great aim but no pop. None. The bludger hits her bat and just drops."
"I'm sure she'll get better when she's a little bigger," Kurt said as he watched fields zipping past the window. He bounced his legs and kept flinching whenever someone went running past their compartment door. Sooner or later one of those people would be Blaine. "She's got a few years to grow into it."
Mercedes hummed and looked out the window too.
For several moments it was silent. Kurt watched another pair of students go clambering past their door.
"Just go and find him," Mercedes said. "It's about time we split up anyway. I'm sure your housemates will be around before long."
Those words normally meant so much to him. A flutter of panic, a creeping feeling on the back of his neck, even a bubble of fear in his stomach. Yet the only person who came to mind was Blaine. He'd put himself first instead of Blaine. Consistently and constantly ever since he'd written that first letter. He'd done all of this for himself—to protect himself from his friends' wrath.
"Forget them," Kurt said. "I've got more important—if they don't—I'm going to find Blaine, okay? I'll be back in a bit."
"Good luck," Mercedes said as he slid the compartment door open. "Be honest, and then patient."
Kurt nodded and stepped into the corridor. All the other students had disappeared from their back and forth jogging trips. Kurt glanced behind him toward the end of the train. Only a few compartments separated him from the luggage compartments at the end. It would be best to head toward the engine.
He set off along the corridors, all the while trying to word his explanation in just the perfect way that he wouldn't crush Blaine's happiness entirely.
Remember that boy who was writing to you? Surprise! It's me.
No, he'd get slapped for that.
I've been lying to you—
Guilty starts led to arguments and defensive words. An apology to start instead?
Blaine, I'm sorry that I—
He'd never get all the words out. Blaine would cut him off and say he had nothing to be sorry about even though he did. Kurt's own apology would cone him into Blaine's unyielding faith in people's goodness.
Well, I was the one who wrote you but I was scared—
"So scared I ran off and left him just standing there," Kurt muttered. He rubbed his hands over his face as he stepped into the next section of the train.
Maybe he could just blurt it out. That always seemed to be how he did these things best. Blaine's reaction to that, however, might not be so great.
Kurt scanned the compartments that he passed but he didn't spot Blaine. By the time he'd reached the engine, he'd chatted with Finn, several Ravenclaws from his Arithmancy class, spotted Brittany and Santana snogging in a compartment all of their own, and managed to duck past his housemates without being noticed. But he hadn't seen Blaine.
Confused, Kurt headed back to his compartment with Mercedes. When he opened the door it was to laughter and Blaine's beautiful smile.
"Kurt! I was looking for you," Blaine said. He jumped to his feet, took a step toward Kurt, and then paused with a significant glance at Mercedes. "I guess we, um, missed each other in the hall. The prefect's meeting is—"
"It's okay, Blaine. Mercedes knows."
But what she knew and what would be true by the time they got to Hogwarts was anyone's guess. Mercedes smiled only slightly as she nudged Kurt out of the doorway and stepped into the corridor.
"I'll just take my time fixing my makeup in the bathroom. The one all the way at the front of the train," Mercedes said. She gave them a little wave and shut the compartment door.
Blaine smiled like sunlight as he leaned up to kiss Kurt, and Kurt returned it as best he could with his stomach churning as it was.
"I missed you. I know it's only been like two days but—is something wrong? You don't seem okay."
Kurt swallowed and sat down. Blaine took the seat beside him.
"Kurt? Is this about Mercedes knowing? And everyone finding out today? Well, maybe not today, but tomorrow and the rest of the week. Because we'll get through it together, okay? It's going to be—"
"I'm lying to you."
Blaine tensed slightly. For a moment, he didn't say anything. Neither did Kurt. He stared from his lap to Blaine's face to the window and the wild green forest sliding past.
"O-okay."
To Kurt's surprise, Blaine reached out and took hold of his hands. He squeezed one of Kurt's in each of his own and rested them on his thighs.
Kurt looked up and swallowed. Blaine didn't exactly look angry, but he didn't appear as happy as he had when Kurt had walked into the compartment five minutes ago.
"What are you lying about?"
He'd expected such a different reaction from Blaine. For him to immediately get angry and start in on him, for an argument to break out before he'd even managed to tell him everything. Yet Blaine seemed calm in a way. Expectant. He wanted to know everything before he said more.
"I—" Kurt swallowed again. This would ruin them. "I was the—I've been—the letters," Kurt said finally. "I've been the one writing you all of those anonymous letters since term started. At first it was—I was too scared to ask you out. I could barely talk to you. And I mean, you obviously know how my friends are, so… I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you standing in Hogsmeade that day and I'm sorry I couldn't just be brave enough to tell you in person instead of starting those letters or that I couldn't—I don't know. I'm just sorry I've let everything get this far and let us get to where we are without telling you before now and—"
"Why did you have to do that?"
Blaine's voice was sharp suddenly and Kurt looked up from their clasped hands. A second later, Blaine's palms were pulled from his. Blaine was shaking, from anger and something deeper.
"I just wanted to talk to you and—"
"No, not the letters. You left me standing there. You showed up invisible. Why didn't you come back after they left? Why haven't you said anything about—forget it. Just forget it."
Blaine stood up and Kurt reached for him. Tears clung to Blaine's eyelashes but he wiped them away before they could fall.
"I'll see you class tomorrow," Blaine said as he slammed the door open. "Or, you know, maybe I won't. Knowing you, you'll just send an owl with a note, right?"
"Blaine, please—I'm sorry."
But the compartment door was rolled shut in his face. One of the glass panes cracked. Kurt hurried to follow, but Blaine was already storming away down the corridor out of sight. He didn't return.
Kurt didn't bother to fix the glass. He curled up in his seat, legs pulled up to his chest. He'd done it then. Finally, maybe for the first time since they'd begun to talk—through letters or face to face—he'd been fully honest.
"Reparo!"
Kurt sniffed and rested his forehead on his knees. Mercedes was back and she was frowning.
"Give him time, Kurt. Blaine's a—"
Kurt only shook his head, and Mercedes understood. She sat back down and opened a book. He'd been honest and what had it gotten him?
Blaine wasn't sure how he made it back to his compartment. His friends were in the middle of a rousing game of Exploding Snap, but all of them paused at the sight of his tears. Mike shut the door quietly and Dani took hold of his wrists. His arms were shaking. His whole body might be.
Kurt had lied to him.
Kurt had written those letters.
Kurt had left him in Hogsmeade.
"Blaine? What's wrong?"
Yet Blaine couldn't answer. No matter who asked, or how many times the question was spoken, Blaine stayed silent. He'd dreamed of Kurt liking him for so long, and while he'd hoped Kurt was his admirer, he'd never dared to think it was true. Especially not after Hogsmeade.
"Blaine, please say something."
Elliott had him clutched against his side as Dani combed her fingers through her hair. Still, Blaine said nothing. He shook his head and sniffled.
The trolley lady came and went. The afternoon sun, slowly crept into sight of their window, reflecting off the glass and leaving a warm orange glow around them. Blaine sat up and shook his friends off. Most of them had gone back to playing Exploding Snap while Blaine had been silent, but they all paused when he stood.
"Blaine, please just—"
"I've got to go to the bathroom."
They all nodded as he left. Blaine wandered the corridor. He headed up front to use that bathroom, and then took his time heading back, gazing into other compartments and wondering…
Before he'd known it was Kurt, he'd been willing to accept his admirer's fear. Even if he had told Blaine his identity, it wouldn't have changed anything. Even after Hogsmeade. He could have forgiven that. In many ways, he already had.
No, it was the relationship they'd built outside of that. It was Kurt lying and building all of this trust with him when the entire time he'd had this secret.
"Oi, Anderson! Why so glum?"
Sebastian Smythe had appeared in the corridor, blocking his way back to his compartment. Blaine glanced at the open door beside them. Rachel Berry, Jesse St. James, and Dave Karofsky. None of them looked particularly friendly, but Kurt wasn't among them. Even now that gave him some sort of dull hope.
"Move, Smythe."
"Oh, someone's fiery today," Rachel called from the compartment. The others laughed, but before Blaine could reply a voice behind Sebastian interrupted them.
"Leave him only, Smythe. Stop being such an ass."
It was Kurt. His face was splotchy like he'd been crying, but his eyes were narrowed. Sebastian grinned at him.
"Where the hell have you been, Hummel? You getting some feelings for a dorky little Hufflepuff?"
"Some feelings in his pants," Rachel said, but she'd stood to look out at Kurt in the corridor. "What's wrong with you?"
Instead of answering, Kurt pushed her into the compartment, grabbed Sebastian by the arm, and dragged him into the compartment. He didn't say anything as he shut the door, but Blaine heard their complaints and shouts as he headed down the corridor.
And what of it?
Kurt had come to his aid now, when it was all but meaningless, instead of when he'd needed him most. He'd kept the truth from him for two months, all the while becoming his friend and boyfriend. Or that had been Blaine's hope this morning. Now he didn't know what he wanted. He retook his seat with Dani and Elliott and breathed deeply.
"So I found out who my secret admirer was…"