Sorry for how long it took to update but be happy with the fact that it won't take that long again because I'm writing write now and I only have a few chapters to go. Just so you know time is going to jump forward a lot from this point on, I'm sorry if that bothers anyone but it needs to. There's also a note at the end since I don't want to spoil what's in the chapter.

I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and sorry for any mistakes but I'll edit it later, I promise :)

"What are you doing?" Kurt leant over the back of the couch to peer down at the notebook his boyfriend was scribbling in.

"Nothing," he replied, promptly shutting it and turned to smile at Kurt with warm eyes and a dazzling smile. He sat it on the coffee table and patted his lap. "Come here."

Kurt smiled and shook his head. He leant down, wrapping his arms tightly around the shoulders of the man he loved more than anything else in this world. He nuzzled against his cheek, placing a gentle kiss there only the feel the stubble that had grown there during the day. He hummed and nuzzled there again. He always enjoyed that rough texture for some odd reason. He made a low growling sound in his throat.

There was a chuckle in reply.

"Do you want something, baby?"

"Just you," Kurt murmured, placing kitten licks along the stubble-covered jaw. "Come on Honey Bee. I want you naked and in bed right now while there's nobody else here."

Kurt yelped when suddenly he nearly fell over the couch as the body he was holding was torn from his embrace, only to be grabbed around the waist and lifted up in a fireman's carry. He giggled and then yelped again when a hand came down firmly on his ass.

"Hey!" Kurt protested.

"Come on, admit it, you like being spanked!"

Kurt didn't have time to respond when he was tossed down on the bed before being pinned, strong arms holding his down and a firmly muscled body pressed against his. He looked to the side with a coy smile.

"Well, someone's eager," he joked.

"You started this, don't play hard-to-get now."

"I wouldn't dream of it." Kurt leant his head up and captured supple lips with his, kissing earnestly. His man tasted of coffee and peppermint and something else. He broke the kiss and frowned accusingly. "Did you eat the crème brulee I made for dessert?"

A cheeky grin was the only response so Kurt avoided the next kiss aimed at his lips.

"That was for dessert tonight!"

"I only sampled a little." A lithe tongue traced its way around his ear and Kurt shivered, eyes closing automatically. "It was fantastic."

"But-"

"Shh, no more talking."

"But – mmph..." Kurt hummed happily as he pressed his tongue into the other man's mouth, bucking his hips up as a prompt for more. He complied happily as gentle, slightly callused hands relieved them both of the barrier of clothes before tracing his body, every line and dip, his lips and tongue following in the wake of his fingers.

Kurt was shivering and whining with need, his loss of coherence the only reason he hadn't demanded that he be fucked already despite how nice it was to be worshipped this way. He just really, really needed to feel closer.

"Please," he panted, struggling to keep his thoughts straight.

"Please what?"

"Please. Fuck me. I need it. Please." His words turned into a long moan as a hot, wet mouth wrapped around his hard cock, tongue performing sinful acts to shaft as he sunk down. "God Blaine!"

Kurt tossed onto his back, eyes snapping open as his consciousness came to the realisation that his subconscious mind had decided to dream about having sex with Blaine and not Adam. It was all that surprising, really, when he considered his epiphany a few weeks ago after talking with Isabelle. But still... he'd been trying to keep things going with Adam.

It just really wasn't working.

Kurt frowned when he realised his erection didn't seem to be going away.

That gave him two very irritating problems. One: whether he should get off thinking about Blaine since he was pretty sure it was the only thing that would work and then feel guilty afterwards or just go and have a freezing cold shower despite it being the start of March and the weather still being very cold. And two: should he just end things with Adam already?

Kurt decided to deal with his more pressing problem first and got up quietly to go take a shower. After a couple of minutes with cool water running over him and no difference to his aching member he decided, screw it, and turned the hot water on before gripping himself. His head fell back against the wall as he conjured up the perfect memory of Blaine's body, the one he hadn't visited in a long time. He thought of Blaine's beautiful tanned skin and the hard muscles underneath. How amazing his strong arms felt wrapped around Kurt's body as they kissed and rutted together.

Or the even more incredibly experience of that one time Blaine held him up against his bedroom door, fucking into him deep and slow, Kurt losing every shred of brain power and IQ and simply feeling.

Or the best thing they ever did. Slow, measured, passionate love-making. It didn't matter who topped or bottomed. It didn't matter when. And it didn't even matter where if that one time on the beach of the lake in the middle of the night was any indication. It was just them and their love, building up and falling over the edge together in a perfect moment of bliss.

Kurt came with that last thought, gasping out Blaine's name and he sank down to the floor of the shower, letting his thoughts clear and the guilt settle in.

Except it didn't come.

He sighed. That was the final sign. There was no point to this thing with Adam anymore. He only wanted Blaine and even though he was never going to get him back he couldn't keep leading somebody else on just to fill the void and convince himself he could move on.

It was with a heavy heart Kurt finished his shower and dressed, going to make breakfast even thought it was five am. He would just make a lot of breakfast and hope Rachel and Brody were both hungry (he wouldn't be eating a thing).

As it turned out Brody was starving and ate quite a lot of what Kurt made while Rachel looked at him worriedly.

"I heard you moaning in your sleep, are you okay?" she eventually asked. Kurt flushed and glanced at Brody who was looking between them, waiting for the answer.

"Um... not really. I..." Kurt sighed and put his cup of coffee down. "I was dreaming about Blaine."

"I see..." Rachel took a breath, ready to launch into another one of her 'Adam is so much better for you' speeches but Brody cut her off.

"You know, I think if you've been with Adam since January and you're still having trouble with your feelings for Blaine, it's time to call it quits," Brody said. Kurt turned to him hopefully. Some good advice was just what he needed now. "Okay, this has nothing to do with picking someone over someone else, this has to do with you doing what's best for you. Right now, what's best for you might be flying solo. I mean, you can totally ignore me, I'm no expert, but just... you're in so much pain, just... take a break and work on you. New York is a great place to do that."

Rachel glowered at Brody but then sighed, admitting defeat.

Kurt got up, stepped around the table and hugged Brody tightly.

"Thank you," he sighed. "Thank you."

He grabbed his bag and left the loft where Brody just smiled happily and Rachel quietly reflected over how she might have been most unhelpful to Kurt lately.

Kurt showed up at Adam's dorm and knocked on the door nervously. It was opened by his roommate who smiled widely and let Kurt in before immediately leaving him.

"Have fun!" he chirped. "But stay off my bed."

Adam rolled his eyes while Kurt just shuffled uncomfortably.

"Hey, gorgeous," Adam greeted, pulling Kurt into his arms and kissing him firmly. "This is a nice surprise. I didn't think I'd be seeing you today. I thought you were working."

"Well, I am," Kurt explained. "I have an hour."

Adam grinned, eyes warm and Kurt felt so bad. Why did he have to be so excited at the prospect of spending time with him? It made this so much harder.

But he was sure this was the right thing to do. For himself anyway. And right now, he knew he needed to focus on what he needed and not anybody else. In the long run it would be better for Adam anyway. Kurt couldn't ever love him, he knew that now and Adam would understand eventually.

"An hour? Well, I can think of a lot we can do in an hour."

Adam leant in to kiss Kurt again but Kurt turned his head and Adam's lips caught the edge of his jaw. The older man didn't seem to mind; he tightened his arms around Kurt and mouthed down to his neck.

"No," Kurt protested, struggling. "Adam, stop. I can't do this."

Adam frowned and looked up. Kurt gently pushed his arms away and took a few steps back, breathing in deeply, plucking up his courage.

"What's wrong?" Adam wondered. "You know... we've been together a while and I know you're not a virgin-"

"Adam, stop," Kurt said, holding up a hand. "I can't. Not with you."

Irritation flashed across Adam's face. "What does that mean?"

"I don't love you. I can't love you," Kurt whispered. "And I can't do that with somebody I don't love. I'm sorry but that's how it is." Kurt shut his eyes and massaged his temples. "I've been forcing myself to try and make this work but I can't keep pretending I'm not still in love with Blaine, it's killing both of us because I know you know." He looked up at his about to be ex-boyfriend pleadingly, begging him to understand. "I can't have him but I refuse to hurt both of us by pretending I can get over him. I can't. Not right now anyway and not like this."

Adam looked to this side. "So, you're breaking up with me?"

"I am," Kurt affirmed. "Please, I'm so sorry. But..."

"Yeah, I get it." Adam rolled his eyes, refusing to look at Kurt. "But if you expect me to forgive you-"

"I don't," Kurt shook his head quickly. "I just need you to know that I'm sorry and... I'll just go." He knew Adam wasn't going to respond to any of his attempts to make things alright so he thought it was best just to get out of there. "I'll see you in class."

Adam nodded sadly and peeked sideways at Kurt as he went to the door.

"I was starting to love you, you know," he whispered.

"I know," Kurt replied, glancing back. "I wanted you to. I thought it would help."

"But it didn't."

Kurt shrugged helplessly and left. He waited for a moment in the hall to see if he would feel any semblance of the crushing weight he'd felt in Battery Park when Blaine had revealed the truth about his infidelity.

Nothing.

A little relief.

A little regret.

Nothing else.

Kurt frowned and wandered off. He supposed the feeling of self-enlightenment would come when he actually found something to enlighten him about who he was now and who he wanted to be.

Or... maybe his dad was right. Maybe nothing about him needed to change. He just needed to be the same Kurt he'd always been despite not having Blaine. He didn't need other people to define him. He was Kurt Hummel and that was all he ever needed to be.

Smiling slightly he began making his way towards the Vogue offices. His mood was dampened slightly when he found Rachel waiting for him in his office.

"I'm not here to berate you," she promised. "Brody had... words with me about that. He reminded me that you and I are not the same and you are capable of running your own life. I'm sorry."

"Good," Kurt replied. Then he smiled and held his arms out. "Hug?"

Rachel smiled with great relief and leapt into his arms, squeezing him tightly.

"I called Tina," she explained when they pulled apart. "I wanted to check up on Blaine for you since I figured they might not want to hear from you."

Kurt groaned. "Rachel, if you had taken the time to listen to me you'd know I'm staying right out of his life so we can both heal and grow up a little."

"I know but... I think you want to hear this."

Kurt sat down and looked up expectantly.

"Blaine hasn't sung or played any music since that weekend," Rachel explained, her expression relating clearly how much this distressed her. Kurt looked away, the guilt he thought he'd feel for breaking up with Adam reaching him now. But now it was for Blaine because he had done that to him. Before that weekend Blaine and Kurt had spent hours each week discussing what song he should sing for his NYADA audition if he was shortlisted.

Kurt dropped his face into his hands and groaned.

"I've ruined his chances of getting into NYADA," he said and looked up at Rachel. "He hasn't sang one word?"

"None. He mouths in Glee rehearsals."

Kurt shook his head slowly. "I need to fix this."

"You just said-"

"I know but... he needs to be at NYADA, you know that. If he flops his audition because he refuses to sing..." Kurt's heart tightened. "I won't be the reason he doesn't get in."

"I have an idea!" Rachel announced, eyes alight with a gleam Kurt hadn't seen in a long time. It felt comforting to him – some of the old Rachel was still in there.

"Hit me," Kurt decided, taking the risk.

"Ms Tibideux?" Kurt peered into her office and the woman glanced up at him and with a quirk of his eyebrows invited him in. "I... uh... I was wondering if you could tell me what date you've set for Blaine Anderson's NYADA audition?"

Carmen half smiled. "Who said Blaine Anderson got a NYADA callback?"

Kurt's eyes widened and he blinked. "No, you're not serious. If he didn't get-"

"Relax, Mr Hummel. Mr Anderson has been sent his finalist letter. He should have received it a couple of weeks ago."

Kurt sighed in relief. "So... is it soon?"

"Why do you need to know?" Carmen set aside her paperwork and clasped her hands, looking at Kurt curiously. Kurt looked at the chair opposite her desk and she nodded for him to sit.

"Well... I don't know if you remember, but Blaine was at my audition," Kurt began. "He's my boy- ex boyfriend. Some stuff happened between us last month and… well, we were both pretty messed up afterwards, him more than me. Our friends told Rachel and I that he hasn't been singing… at all, which is so wrong and bad for him. Blaine used to sing all the time – driving, doing chores, choosing outfits – all the time. Now he doesn't even hum and he won't touch his piano or guitar. It's not normal. He uses music as an emotional outlet and if he isn't singing..."

Kurt sighed deeply and Carmen waited patiently.

"Blaine deserves, more than everyone else you've given an audition to, to come here," Kurt said, eyes burning fiercely in a way that made Carmen smile. "He's more talented than half the people who are already here. He needs to be here and I refuse to be the cause of him not being accepted. I just… if he hasn't started performing again by the time his callback comes around…" Kurt reached into his bag and withdrew some discs. "This is a performance of West Side Story where he played Tony, and this is a disc with his audition for Grease and the scene where he played Teen Angel."

"He didn't get the lead?" Carmen asked with raised eyebrows.

"Um… it was not long after we broke up, he didn't want to play Danny since it's a romance." Kurt shrugged helplessly. "Oh and this one has some performances from when he was the lead soloist for the Dalton Academy Warblers and just some ones he did for Glee Club. It's just that… he needs a chance for you to see how brilliant of a performer his is. Nobody can bring a song to life the way he can, nobody puts as much of themself into a performance as he does. He was born to perform and you need to be able to see that."

Carmen studied Kurt's fierce expression and held her hands out. "Protocol says I need to see his audition but it can't hurt to watch some performances where his nerves might not be so drawn."

Kurt sighed in relief and let her take the discs. "Um… those are my only copies… would I be able to get them back?"

She smiled. "Of course, Mr Hummel. You may go."

"Thank you so much… you'll see how good he is."

She nodded, watching him leave, that small smile still in place, just as impressed with him now as she had been the first time she watched him sing.

Blaine wandered into Glee rehearsal with his eyes on his phone, concentrating on a game of Tetris with single-minded determination: he was going to beat his high score!

Most of the Glee Club rehearsals went like this for Blaine. He'd lost his will to sing recently. He hadn't found much of a reason. Dr Lyons said he needed to start singing again since it was a good emotional outlet for him. But he just couldn't seem to find any reason to sing.

Today his interest was aroused for the first time in weeks by the first words out of Finn's mouth:

"The theme for this year's Regionals is passion," Finn announced. "I'm guessing we're supposed to interpret it in a non-sexual way."

"Well obviously," Tina agreed. "There are plenty of kinds of passion though."

"Yeah, like hatred and passion for your dreams," Marley agreed.

"So, we just need to figure out what kinds of passion we want to represent," Finn said. "I was thinking we pick a different kind for each number. I want a solo, a duet and then a group number."

"I want the solo," Blaine said suddenly, his mouth speaking before his brain had completely made a conscious decision. Everyone turned to stare at him. He was even shocked by what he'd said but he suddenly realised it was what he wanted. Performing. Not just singing but actually getting up on a stage and performing for an audience who would listen to him and feel whatever emotion he sent to them. It was perfect.

"No offence dude but you haven't sung in a month," Jake said. "Are you going to be able to pull it off?"

Blaine shot him a dark look and then looked at Finn who seemed to be in agreement.

"You could lead in the group number," Finn offered.

"No. I want the solo," Blaine repeated. "Are you honestly going to tell me there is someone in this room with more emotion than me? Someone who needs to put their feelings into a song more than I do?"

"I... well... no," Finn admitted.

"I know the perfect song too. It fits, don't worry. And I will be ready and I'll blow them away," Blaine finished shooting a look at Jake who held up his hands in surrender.

"Okay now, for the other numbers..."

Sorry if anybody thought the break up was too... stitled or impersonal but I wanted it to be like that. It was supposed to be Kurt fully realising that it's not something he wanted so he didn't want to put an enormous amount of effort into it (especially since it was a snap decision made right that morning). Anyway, next chapter will be up soon :)