Chapter 10: Resolutions and Revelations
"We're what?" Phantom asks me, agog. "With whom?" They fluster.
"Ourselves. It's a revolution. I- the- I don't remember a lot of details, but it's a civil war. Homeworld, the Diamond loyal gems, and then.. the.. " I fumble for more words, but that's it, that's all I can recall. "I don't know. I just- I planned to join the opposition after I escaped and remembered it before I crashed into you, I think. And then I forgot again, and Luna Agate just reminded me. It's- I really can't remember all the details, but-" I give an aggravated sigh. "I know it again. I remember it exists. It's what all this nonsense is about. All the extra ships out here, all the tenseness and the agitation. Why they're so.. harsh lately. Homeworld wants to preserve its self image of perfection, so they're locking down on anything and everything they deem to be imperfect- it's why they were so determined to get me, and why Luna Agate won't let you go, even though you're not- you have nothing to do with anything anymore."
"I- That's quite a lot to process. A war? A war." Phantom sits back, shifting back against the wall, hand over their gem in thought.
"I know. It's.. completely absurd. I.. I never thought war was a concept that could come true. I- I know we invade other planets all the time, but- I never thought we would- I never thought.."
"I'd always hoped. I never dared dream.." Phantom says wistfully. I look up to see a ghost of a smile on their face. "I always hoped someone would try to put them in their place.."
"I.. I never thought of it like that." It's certainly a different way of seeing things, but I can't help but remember that war usually means loss. Both sides will experience loss on a massive scale. "I hope it brings some change to Homeworld, for the better. I wish they'd grow up, and learn some kindness. Realize that the way to a bigger and better empire isn't through cruelty."
"I'm not nearly so magnanimous. I want them all to shatter each other, till there's nothing left, until every trace of them, from the bottom to the top is gone. Maybe then I could have some damn peace." Phantom smiles, but it's a wicked, angry smile, and I find myself feeling afraid of this aggression they're so attached to. I can't identify with it at all, and that terrifies me.
"I want the suffering to end." I say plainly, and hope that's an open enough statement. I'm not sure why I find it so important to have us agree on something, or just.. attempt to understand and be understood. Phantom scoffs, though.
"It'll end when they're all gone. That's the only truth in this universe." They say, and for a second I believe them. It's the truth to them, and the delivery of that truth is intense and honest to them. But it's not my truth, and I look away. "So what's your plan now?"
"What?" I ask, looking up.
"You said you'd planned to join the war. Is that still the case?" Phantom asks cooly. I shake my head.
"No. For now the plan is just to escape, if possible. I don't have any idea how, quite yet. Joining the rebellion.. it might be an option, but later." I explain.
"What's wrong with you?" Phantom's voice bites through the air, like a snap right next to your head.
"I- Nothing. Why?" I shake my head, confused.
"You're still acting strangely. You're normally.." They gesture with their hands, but I don't understand the point of it. Their hands are spread, fingers wide. "And now you're.." They bring their hands back close together, fingers pinching tightly.. Oh! Perhaps they mean how quiet I am?
"I thought you liked it when I'm quiet."
"I- That's not what I mean. Your… attitude- no, your demeanor has changed. Usually I have to request that you be quiet, because you are always thinking and talking and moving. Now you're.. you seem…" They struggle for words again. "It's cause for alarm."
"Alarm? I'm fine- I just- I don't know." I shrug again. "I don't know. Why- why do you even care? I thought you didn't- I mean, you said you didn't like me and had nothing to do with me, or- or something."
"I-" Phantom seems truly alarmed at that. "That's true.." They say, and then nothing else. I go back to staring at the floor.
They're right, though. Something feels off about me, even to me. But I can't place what it is. Physically, I'm fine. My gem is fine, my form is fine. I feel a little roughed up from my interaction- if I can call it that- with the angry Carnelian, but my form is stable and functional. So whatever's up, it must be my mind.
I feel.. anxious. My talk with Luna Agate has left me feeling clumsy and unsure. I almost said Phantom's full name, which would have surely ruined any chance I had of getting them free. But I did manage to lie, and lie consistently, I think, even if Luna Agate is still suspicious. She's bound to be no matter what, I mean, I'm a traitor, after all. I suppose she expects that I'll do whatever I can to save my own gem, including lie to her despite all her intimidation.
I also feel alone. I might be in this room with Phantom Fluorite, and this ship is full of other gems, but none of them are on my side. Phantom has made it clear that they're number one goal is self preservation, so there's no comfort to be found in our one-way alliance. We're not fighting, but we're not allies. It's simply a stalemate, a lumpy, lopsided stalemate. I'm invested in their safety and wellbeing, but they're not invested in mine, and I have to wonder why.
Why does it matter to me that I help them? When they're so harsh, so aggressive, so unhappy with every single thing that I do, why does it still matter to me that I help them? Why did I lie to Luna Agate when they probably wouldn't for me? I knew that when I went in, so why did I do it anyway?
It was that look. The desperation in their eye. The way their voice cracked. They were so afraid, and I saw it all. Every ounce of fear shone clearly on their face. All I could think, all I could feel, was that fear on their behalf. I would hope someone would stick up for me. So I stuck up for them. It's who I am.
It's funny how I can barely remember so many things about myself, but this one thing I keep coming back to. It's a little more familiar each time, too. Maybe I'm just finally defining who I am. Maybe this is just the first opportunity I've really had to be more than an automaton on Homeworld's payroll, and I'm just now discovering and creating the person I am.
Maybe. But then again, maybe I'm just exactly what they made me to be.
Sardonyxes guide. We show others the way. We're caseworkers, in charge of dozens and dozens of hundreds of facets of gems, trying to make them the most efficient they can be, constantly giving them their jobs, sending them to new places, onto new tasks. We guide. We care. I care.
I care too much for my own good, though. Caring about someone I only might have known has gotten me trapped and probably sentenced to death even sooner. It's gotten me abuse from my captors, as well as from the one I'm trying so hard to help, though that's more an emotional turmoil. Maybe this is my ultimate defect. I'm too good at my job.
[X]
"You've been kind to me this whole time, I realize." I force myself to say, though it must sound quite sudden. How many minutes have passed in silence? I lost track of time, too many sounds from the rest of the ship distracting and overwhelming my already busy and blurry thoughts.
"What?" She asks, slowly looking up again. Her hair falls in her face, further distracting me. What's wrong with me?
"Despite my own behavior, you've made every attempt to be kind when literally anyone else wouldn't. I can't comprehend why, but I.. I have noticed." How do I explain that I am grateful? How do I make sense of why to myself?
"Okay. I- I'm glad." She tries to smile, but she seems to be struggling. I can't seem to read her. What's wrong, and why does it bother me so much?
"As am I. For such.. kindness. I am glad." I hesitate. How else to say it? "You have not been the worst part of this experience."
"And neither have you." She replies, but I can tell that she feels awkward. How do I fix it? I want her to act the way she was before, but I don't know what's wrong, or why it feels so important. It's infuriating on one hand, but terrifying on the other.
Sardonyx starts to settle with her head back down again, and I realize that this exchange has failed to accomplish what I'd hoped it was. Her mood has not changed. Whatever's wrong with her is still there.
"Would you mind if we spoke?"
"I- no. That's-" She's much more startled by this than my initial outburst. "That'd be fine. I- uh- what about, exactly?"
"I have no requests. The, the silence is simply unnerving me, and I- I rather liked the.. music you were doing earlier. Could you tell me about that?" I am genuinely curious about it, and it seemed to be something she enjoyed as well. Perhaps that is a suitable conversation topic?
"Oh. I can try. Um. So music is a form of entertainment. Upper nobles, elites, mostly, have access to it the most, simply because they have the most time to enjoy it- I think I said that before, actually, uh.. I was never privy to much of it except on very special occasions, so I'm afraid I'm not personally very familiar with it.
But I do know that it used to be a lot more common. Back when we only occupied only Homeworld's start system, pretty much every section of the hierarchy had their own form of music. A lot of it is lost now, except in the oldest and most reserved databases, but there's lots of writing about it. I- I think I used to read a lot, if I had any spare time.
So.. every part of the hierarchy, from laborers to warriors to the most elite had their own form of song, and it usually pertained to their functions. It was either to pass the time, or to sort of remember the steps to whatever they were doing, I think. Like.. a training video. A tutorial that you can carry in music." She explains. I nod.
"How did they accomplish this? Do songs have words?" I ask.
"They used to. But nowadays the only songs that have words that are allowed are platitudes of love and adoration for the Diamonds and, well, it gets a bit old really fast. Most songs are wordless, I think."
"How would one make a song?"
"Oh. I.. I don't know. Usually it's not just a vocal element, like my humming earlier. There's, uh.. layers. Lots of different sounds all contributing to performing or producing a different mood, or message."
"Like what?" I ask. More and more this sounds interesting. Like the inner workings of a machine slowly becoming known to me, and I simply have to have more.
"Well.. there's usually some kind of instrument to keep the time. Drums, usually, but I think there're songs where they replace that with something else. But they set the pace, I suppose." She says, and then pats a hand on the floor rhythmically. Pat, pat, pat, pat.. A constant but relaxed pace. "So something like that might be for a sad or thoughtful song. But something like this.." Pat-ta-pat, pat-ta-pat, the sound is bouncier, happier, almost. "It might be for something to dance to, something happy."
"Are these rules?"
"No, it's an art form like anything else. There aren't a lot of gems out there allowed to produce music, so a lot of it follows these sort of guidelines, but I think, in general, it's whatever sounds good."
"I see. After the.. drums, what comes next?"
"Well, it doesn't 'come next', really, I just- they can all happen at once, I just think of them as layers, and, and drums are the baseline, I guess. But, uh, another instrument usually plays the actual 'tune', I think. That's the part I was actually humming, earlier. There's instruments that make ringing sounds, or.. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry." She says, sighing.
"It's fine. Can you mimic it?"
"I don't know how to. I've never tried.. And I haven't really heard a wide variety of songs, so I don't know the differences between any of them. I've never even seen what you play these sounds on except drums and harps. I.. I can describe a harp, I think."
"Please, do." I try not to sound too eager.
"Okay. A- a harp is a string instrument. It's big and it, uh, it looks like two arms stretched really wide. The strings are what make the sounds, and they're pulled between the two arms at different tightnesses to produce different sounds. The longest and the loosest produce really low, poppy kind of sounds. The shortest and the tightest make really high, really ping-y kind of sounds, I think. I'm sorry I don't know much more than this.."
"No, it's fine, really. It's more than I knew before." I say, and attempt to smile to show that I am grateful and happy to know even this much.
Part of me is amazed that I can ask a question and have it answered so easily, so calmly. I am used to having to tear and claw at the world around me to make sense of it, and here she's just so willingly given what must be precious information to her. If my thoughts weren't so full of the new knowledge itself, I might be reeling at the ease with which it was delivered.
"I'd play you a proper song if I could, but I don't think I could simulate the drums and the other sounds at the same time. I- I'm not sure I could focus on those two things at once." She gives a chuckle. There! That is closer to the attitude she had before. This is the behavior I'm used to from her! I must be smiling, because she smiles as well, but only as she meets my eye.
Suddenly the intensity of her gaze is too much for me, despite it being the very thing I was trying to stoke back to full force. I have to look away, but I try not to lose the smile, since it was what clearly brought her back.
"I'm sorry." She says, startling me.
"What for?"
"I don't know. Everything. Getting you caught. Being.. me, I guess." She shrugs. "I just feel bad. I wrecked the life you had, didn't I? There's no going back. Even if I get you out of here, somehow, Homeworld knows you exist again, even if they don't know who you are. They'll keep looking for you, no matter what. And it's because I couldn't pilot a blasted ship.." She sighs.
That's right. I'm here because of her actions. I'm here because I couldn't kill her, and then I helped her, and they tracked her, and they found me.
"It was going to happen anyway. One day. It just happened sooner than I'd have hoped. It always does, I suppose. Everything falls apart sooner than you want it to. Always. Always." I sigh. "You didn't mean to. I.. I suppose that's worth something."
"Why are you being so nice all of a sudden? Don't get me wrong, it's nice to hold a pleasant conversation again, but.. it seems out of character for you. You.. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be criticizing you. I'm sorry, just- just ignore me."
"No, pl-" I cut myself off. I almost begged her, again, and for nothing but a chance to hear her speak. What is happening to me? "Please. It's a fair question, I think. You may continue it, if you want."
"No, I don't want to be rude. I should just be grateful for what I have. I should stop asking, stop hoping for more. This is how things are." She says, and it's that resigned, defeated tone that's returned. I can't stand it.
"I realized I appreciate how nice you have been. I am.. unused to this behavior, and I responded to it how I might everything else, but I do not find this to be fostering any continuation of your previous behavior so I.. I changed my behavior to elicit the desired result."
"You're being nice.. because I was nice? And you want me to keep being nice?" She raises an eyebrow, blinking.
"If you want to say it so simply, then yes." I huff.
Sardonyx giggles at that, and I can't help but feel a little bit lighter for the exchange.