Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.

A/N: This chapter was hard to write. I didn't know which way to take it because there are so many ways it can play out. I think I'm satisfied with my choice. I hope you agree. Enjoy…

Tormented

Chapter 10

I watched the sun rise and was excited when I heard Spencer's morning cries. I raced upstairs and explained to the nanny that I wanted to care for him. She nodded and went back to bed, leaving me alone with my nephew.

I cared for Spencer until Nikolas and Emily came downstairs. Nikolas read Spencer a story while I showered and had a coffee with Emily. She was very somber and didn't talk much which was exactly what I wanted. I was tired of talking to people.

Nikolas put Spencer down for a nap and explained that he would make us all something to eat. It was apparently a recipe he wanted to try. I smiled and went into the study.

I stared at the picture of my mother on Nikolas' desk. I couldn't take my eyes from it. Suddenly I felt arms slide around my waist. "Don't touch me," I shrieked at Dillon. He jumped back in shock. "Don't ever touch me again," I screamed out again.

"Lulu what is going on?" Dillon asked, absolutely petrified.

"You mean the selfish bitch?" I demanded. It instantly clicked as I said that.

"Lulu…" he started again.

"Get away from me," I cried.

"Lulu please, I never meant to say that to you," he said softly.

"Stay away from me," I screamed. I felt myself falling apart. He reached out to steady me and I slapped his hands away. "Don't touch me." I hit him again and he grabbed my wrists gently and spun my body so my back was against him. He held me for a moment as an attempt to calm me down.

"Calm down," he soothed. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"Stay away from me," I screamed out.

Nikolas came running into the room. "What did you do?" he demanded. Dillon let me go and I ran to my brother. He saw the tears streaming down my face and looked back at Dillon fiercely. "What did you do?" he reiterated.

"Nothing. She is remembering..."

"Remembering what?" Lucky asked as he came into the room.

"Her abortion," Dillon said gently.

I felt myself becoming ill. "Don't bother worrying about me Lucky. I know Mom would hate Dad and I both for what we were doing," I muttered. Lucky's eyes grew wide and he also knew what I was talking about.

"Lulu, I was high out of my mind on pills. I never meant to hurt you. I was angry at myself not you."

"It's okay. At least I know the truth. You're all here out of obligation. You don't want me in your life. That's okay. I accept that."

I dropped onto the couch and cried harder. I felt myself begin to hyperventilate. Emily came running into the room with a paper bag and told me to breathe into it.

"We should never have let you around her," Lucky muttered to Dillon.

"You know I never meant to hurt her," Dillon argued.

"But you did," Nikolas agreed. "What if we lose her?" Nikolas demanded.

I pulled my legs up to my chest and began rocking back and forth as they argued a few feet away. My mind flooded with memories of the nights I spent with Dillon.

"Everyone shut up," Emily screamed, though it sounded more like a whisper to me, as if I could hear her from miles away. "She isn't registering that my hand is waving in front of her face."

"Dillon, bring her out of this. You've done it before," Nikolas muttered.

"She trusted me back then," Dillon protested.

"Nikolas you're the only one she trusts right now," Lucky agreed.

"Lulu," Nikolas whispered to me. "Hey Lu, you've got to listen to me, okay? Hey you've got to come back. We need you. What you said isn't true. We love you so much. Please come back."

I couldn't see my brother and a part of me didn't want to. I needed to ease their burden.

"Lulu listen to me," Dillon said fiercely. "You can't leave me. I do love you. I was horrible to you. I know I was, but I never meant anything I said. I was mad at the situation. I swear to you that I love you. Come back to me, please. Remember everything I said to you yesterday morning? I meant every word. You are my world. Don't give up Lulu. Come back to me and Lucky and Nikolas and Spencer and Cameron. Come back for your father and Bobbie and Grandma Leslie and your cousins. Your family needs you just like I do. Love isn't conditional, Lulu. Your family will always love you and so will I. Don't give up because I was an ass. I would kick my own ass for what I said if I could. I hate myself for hurting you. Please don't give up. I would never forgive myself for being the cause of losing you. You are not just my best friend, you are everything I've ever wanted in my life. You are my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. I can't live without you. I just can't. You are my reason for breathing. It took me way too long to realize that, but it is the truth. I can't go on without you."

I listened to his words and something in me broke. He became clear in front of me. I pulled away from his hand that was clutching mine and fell apart. I felt so isolated. Dillon leaned his head close to mine. "I love you." I made eye contact with him and saw the truth of his words. I let him pull my body against his. I pressed my face into his shoulder as I cried. He wrapped his arms tightly around my body and pressed his face into my wet hair. "God I love you."

"I love you too," I whispered. "I think I need to see Lainey now."

Dillon helped me stand up and Nikolas and Lucky agreed it was time for me to go to the hospital.

XXXXX

Lainey and Dr. Hodgner were waiting for me when I arrived at the hospital. "Want to tell me what happened?" Dr. Hodgner prodded, as I sat down in the plush chair.

"I'm starting to remember my abortion," I answered hesitantly.

"What do you remember?"

"The cruel words that people said to me. I remember Dillon calling me a selfish bitch and telling me the only reason I was doing it was to get my father's attention. I remember my brother telling me that my mother would hate me for getting the abortion." I started to cry as I repeated what I remembered from the night before.

"How does it make you feel to remember these things?"

"Empty and alone."

"Are these the only things you remember?"

I nodded sadly and started focusing my attention on the floor. "They came back in my sleep."

"Have you spoken to Dillon or your brother about the different situations that you are remembering?"

"When I brought it up, they defended it and said it didn't change that they loved me."

"You don't believe them?" Dr. Hodgner asked openly.

"Why should I? If they were capable of saying those things they obviously don't love me."

"You're so determined to be unhappy. Your fathers words resonated so strongly with you that you carried them over to everyone you meet. You feel your worth is so low that no one can possibly love you. You can't forgive these people because you can't forgive yourself."

I digested what the doctor said and frowned. "I can't forgive myself. I hate myself. I believe my worth is so low because it is so low. Look at what I've accomplished in my life. I've stolen, lied, cheated, manipulated, and hurt people. Aborting Dillon's child nearly destroyed him. I was responsible for that. I still remember how hurt he was when I lied about Georgie. He looked like he had been kicked to the ground and run over by a transport. How could I possibly love him, if I was capable of that?"

"Let's talk about why you broke up Dillon and Georgie's marriage," he suggested. Lainey nodded in the background.

"I was selfish. I wanted Dillon for myself."

"What made you want Dillon?"

"He listened to me. He cared about me. He made me feel better about myself. My time with him was one of the only times I wasn't thinking about my mother and wishing she were present, until I got pregnant."

"So you developed feelings for Dillon. Then what happened?"

"Georgie was hanging out with Diego a lot and it shook Dillon's trust in her. She made out with him at the prom to punish Dillon for coming to the Markhaam islands with me. Diego liked Georgie and I liked Dillon, so we came up with the perfect plan to destroy them."

"Which was?"

"I lied and told Dillon I saw them sleeping together. Diego set it up so they would be in a situation where Dillon would walk in on them in a room together so he would believe me. He did and he broke up with her on the spot and then fell into bed with me to ease the pain."

"How did you feel after lying to him?"

"I felt sick with guilt. I couldn't handle what I had done and at first I pushed him away. I felt so horrible for hurting him but when he said that I was the only person he trusted, I felt needed and wanted. I let myself go back to him and fell in love harder than I had before. I tried to tell him the truth but he didn't believe me. Then he found out I'd lied and he pushed me away. I lost my best friend then and I hated myself. Dillon went back to Georgie and I ended up finding out I was pregnant. My life was spiraling and I couldn't take it. I didn't trust myself as a parent. I didn't want to give birth because I knew deep down I would never be able to give up my child, but I didn't want to tie Dillon down or have my baby be raised by the Quartermaines. Adoption was out because Dillon would have just taken custody and my child would live the life I never wanted it to have. Besides, I didn't want my child to feel as unwanted as I do."

"I think that's where your fear of being pregnant comes from too. Do you realize that everything comes back to what you heard your father say?"

I thought about it for a moment. I couldn't deny that it was true. Hearing I wasn't wanted affected everything in my life that had brought me to that point. "Well what can I do to fix that?"

"I think its time you fix the relationship you have with your father."

"My father will never be the father that I need him to be, no matter what happens. He hates himself too much to feel like he could ever help us so he distances himself as his way of protecting us."

"How would you feel about bringing your father to your next session so we can mediate while you put everything out there?"

"NO," I immediately exclaimed. "I don't want him brought into this."

"Let's start small," Lainey suggested. "I want you to write your father a letter. He never has to see it but you need to get your feelings out there."

"Okay," I agreed. "I'll do that."

"I want to learn a little more about your relationships with your brothers," Dr. Hodgner said tentatively.

"I love my brothers. They sometimes feel like the only family I have. Knowing that my one brother could say something so hurtful makes me feel sick. Lucky is my whole brother. He became kind of distanced from my parents when I was younger but he always came to see me. He would come with Elizabeth..."

"Who is Elizabeth?" Dr. Hodgner asked.

"My brothers current wife."

"Okay. So your brother stopped coming around. How did that make you feel?"

"I was really little, but I think I felt a little abandoned. Kind of like he left me behind."

"What about your other brother?"

"Nikolas was my mother's son no one knew about. When I was little I got really sick and needed bone marrow. Nikolas turned out to be the only match. He came to save my life and it was revealed that he was my big brother. At first there was conflict between Lucky and Nikolas but they ended up becoming best friends and they will always have something that I am not a part of."

"Do you feel excluded?"

"I feel like they would be happier without me."

"What do you think could bridge the gap in your relationship with your brothers?"

"Nothing. They are happier when I'm not around."

"How would you know that if you're not around?"

"Because they're best friends and I'm just their little sister that my mother asked them to take care of. I'm simply an annoyance. I will never be a part of what they have."

"You are excluding yourself. It's not them," Lainey said. "You are so set on being unwanted that you have made yourself believe that your own brothers don't want you. That's not true. You need to tell them how you feel."

"I don't want them to think that they failed my mother by not being able to care for me the way she wanted."

"Your brothers love you. You need to believe that."

"I can't," I confessed sullenly.

"Your brother came here to save your life. He risked his to save yours Lulu. He did it because he loves you. Whatever conflict between your parents and other brother, never stopped him from coming to see you. Your mother can't be here, but your brothers are and they want you to be with them. They love you," Lainey said.

I dropped my gaze and began to cry. My mind flooded with memories of my brothers when I was a little girl. They were choppy and there were things I couldn't remember but I remembered feeling so happy at the same time. I loved when both brothers came over to play.

"How do you feel about Dillon now that you remember what he said to you?" Dr. Hodgner asked.

"I feel more isolated from everyone than I ever did before. I feel like the way he is acting towards me is a lie and really he's just going to leave me for Georgie in the end."

"Have you told him this?"

I shook my head. "I don't know what to say. I know he doesn't love me but the way he's been for the past few days is everything I ever wanted from him. He makes me feel human."

"Maybe you should just let him in and let the chips fall where they may. Love doesn't have to always end in pain," Lainey said.

"But it always will because no matter what people leave."

"Losing people is part of life, but shutting off from them in fear of the inevitable never allows you the chance to feel happiness. Some day these people you care about will die, but right now they are here and they want to be around you and they want to help you get better. Enjoy them while you have them. Love is not conditional. Your family loves you," Dr. Hodgner said.

I started to feel overwhelmingly nauseous. "Can we stop now?" I asked vulnerably. "I'm starting to not feel very well."

"Are you feeling like you're slipping away?" Lainey asked.

I shook my head. "I just need some space so I can get some perspective. I don't know how to let these people in and I don't know if I should bother."

"You need to forgive yourself. Nothing can help you but finding your own self worth," Dr. Hodgner explained.

"Write those letters. Write one to every member of your family. Make sure you include everything you need to say," Lainey said.

"I will," I promised.

I stood up and thanked both doctors before going into the hallway. My brothers, Dillon, Carly, Bobbie, Elizabeth, Emily and my father were sitting in the waiting room.

"How did it go?" Lucky asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I need to be alone for a while."

"But…" Lucky started.

"Lulu needs this," Carly said.

"What if…" Dillon tried to argue.

"When I had my breakdown I needed space," Carly said. "Lulu knows best what she needs and we need to respect that."

"Are you going to be okay?" Nikolas asked.

"I just need some time to gather my thoughts and make sense of my own life…" I said as tears sprang to my eyes. I turned away so no one would have to see me cry. "Just give me time."

"Okay," my father agreed. "If that is what you need, we will respect that."

I smiled at him graciously before wrapping my arms around myself and running out of the hospital.