Author's Note: Can you believe it's almost over? I've finished writing this story already and there's only five more chapters left to come, but I have plans for a side-fic and sequel swirling around in my head, so I doubt this will be the last you see from me :)
Please be aware that all familiar characters and locations belong to S.E. Hinton and her book, The Outsiders. The chapter title and lyrics throughout are from Zedd's song, Clarity. And the title of this fic comes from the song of the same name by The Beatles.
Friday, 7 February 1969
Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again
Rick stomped down the stairs and into the kitchen where Katie was leaning against the counter eating a bowl of cereal. He walked past her with his head down and pulled a glass out of a cupboard and filled it with water. He stood at the kitchen sink and drank it, looking out at their backyard from the kitchen window.
Katie finished her cereal and moved to rinse her bowl out in the sink. She hesitated when she turned around to see Rick standing in front of it, but chose to push down the urge to stay out of his way and go ahead and rinse her bowl anyway. Reaching past him she turned the kitchen tap on and started washing the bowl under the stream of water that jetted out into the sink basin.
"It's your birthday today, right?" Rick asked, and the shock of his voice caused her to drop her bowl in the sink with a clatter and look up at him in alarm.
It took a moment for her to realize he had only asked her a harmless question and she quickly nodded before turning off the tap and abandoning the bowl in the sink. She wanted to get out of there; she didn't want to be so close to him when such big secrets stood between them.
"Happy birthday, kid," he said, his voice was void of the rough abruptness she had gotten used to from him lately.
He almost sounded like himself, and it was enough to make Katie stop in her tracks out of the kitchen to turn around and face him again. He was looking back at her, his eyes dark and his hair and stubble messy. He looked like he'd just woken up and she decided that this early morning version of him was much like the sleeping version of him she'd seen last Sunday when she had found a big wad of cash in the drawer of his bedside table. He seemed less menacing and more human like this.
"Thanks," she said quietly and silence fell between them as she watched him take his last sip of water and discard the glass in the sink with her bowl.
"Can we go for milkshakes after school?" he asked awkwardly, scratching the back of his head a little sheepishly.
"Uh," Katie began, not sure why he was taking interest in her again, but liking it anyway, "sure," she said as a familiar car horn sounded out the front. "You'll pick me up from school?" she asked and he nodded back.
Katie gave Rick a quick smile and a small wave and took off out of the house, down the front steps and into the front yard with a little more of a skip in her step.
The car ride to school was mostly in silence aside from the polite hellos she and Bradley shared when she climbed into his car. It had been like this since their fight on Monday morning. She refused to apologize for doubting his loyalty to her, he had given her reason to and that hadn't changed. He was probably only still picking her up for school and dropping her home because Rick wanted one of his boys keeping an eye on her, which was confusing considering that he'd been doing his best to ignore and steer clear of her for about a month now.
"Rick's picking me up this afternoon," she told him as he pulled into a parking spot in front of the school.
She didn't elaborate on why Rick was taking her for a milkshake after school and she figured Bradley didn't care or hadn't remembered, anyway. She was surprised Rick had even remembered, but then again, he hadn't, not really. The only one who had genuinely remembered was Susan, who had been asking her every day this week what she wanted to do to celebrate. Each day Katie had told her that she didn't want to make a fuss, that it didn't matter, to please not tell anybody. She didn't feel like there was very much to celebrate this year.
Bradley just shrugged in response and Katie climbed out of the car and headed over to Susan and the Shepard boys. She tried hard to stifle the smile that crept onto her lips as she approached the group, particularly Curly who sat lazily beside Glenn on the hood of Glenn's car, one leg up and his elbow resting on it occasionally moving to bring his cigarette up to his lips for a draw.
"Hey," she greeted them once she was in earshot of the group and Susan spun around looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Hey, birthday girl," Glenn said back, a teasing grin on his face.
Katie faltered and gaped at Glenn before rounding on Susan. "You told them?"
"Yeah," Curly answered for Susan, flicking his cigarette onto the ground and letting it die there, "the real question is, why didn't you?"
There was a bite to his tone and Katie could tell he wasn't just teasing like Glenn.
"I'm sorry," Susan said, her face pitying and apologetic, "I just didn't think it was nice for your eighteenth birthday to go uncelebrated."
"But I wanted it like that," Katie responded, annoyed and flicking a quick glance at Curly whose hard eyes were burning holes into her skin, "I've been telling you that all week."
"Cool it, Thomas," Dale stepped in, "she just wanted to give you a good birthday."
"I thought we could all go bowling," Susan said hopefully.
"Rick's taking me out after school," Katie declined and jealousy flared through Curly at the thought of one outing with Rick putting second or third thoughts into her head about the new but shaky ground they'd been on this week.
"Well we could go to the nightly double tonight instead," Susan said, biting her lip in deliberation.
Katie looked reluctant and with a roll of his eyes Curly said, "Your friend wants to celebrate your birthday, just let her."
Katie shot Curly a glare before huffing and giving Susan a nod. Susan's squeal of delight was drowned out by the school bell and the group started making their way up to the school building. Susan walked a little ahead with Dale and Glenn, excitedly chattering about the new movie that would be playing at the nightly double tonight.
Katie held back a beat to fall in step with Curly. She gave him a careful look, hoping to gauge whether he was really mad at her or not. When he kept walking and refused to meet her eye, she knew he was pissed off.
"What's wrong?" she asked, careful not to speak loud enough for the others in front to hear her.
"A bit of a heads up before your birthday would've been nice," he brooded.
"Well you know now anyway," Katie bit back, annoyed at him being annoyed over something so stupid.
"You didn't want me to know, though," he said sounding ridiculously petty to Katie's ears.
"I didn't want anyone to know," she said, stopping and turning to face him.
He stopped, too, and mirrored her. "Why? What's the problem?" he hissed, leaning down closer to her so that the others, who had stopped to wait for them, couldn't hear.
Katie glanced over to where Susan, Dale and Glenn were standing and observing whatever was going on between her and Curly. They had managed to be discreet about things this past week, but right now they weren't doing so well at that.
Rolling her eyes, she grabbed Curly's arm and yanked him forward toward the school, hissing back at him, "People are looking, we'll talk about it at lunch."
Curly grumbled but complied and Katie hoped he would get over his mood by lunch time. She didn't want to waste what little time she had with him arguing.
When lunch time came, though, she waved Susan off to find Dale with promises of catching up with her later and then bypassed the locker she was meant to be depositing her books in and turned down a corridor and into an art supplies room to find Curly still looking as sour as he had that morning.
"Really?" Katie sighed, putting her books down on a spare bit of shelf lined with tins of paint. "What is the big deal about not wanting to make a big deal of today?"
"The big deal," Curly said as he pushed off the shelf he'd been leaning on and made his way forward toward her, "is that some people would've liked to have made a big deal of today."
"I told Susan I didn't want –"
"Susan wanted to make you happy on your birthday," Curly said, placing both hands on her small shoulders, only just resisting the urge to shake her for having to be so difficult.
"Do you know what would make me happy on my birthday?" she asked, looking at him matter of factly. He raised an eyebrow at her and her lips pulled up into a sly grin. "For you to stop being mad at me and kiss me," she said, taking his hands from her shoulders and placing them on her waist.
He grinned despite the lingering annoyance in him. He really didn't want to be mad at her on her birthday, so he let her lean into him and take away whatever problem he'd had. They only had ten minutes together before they had to meet up with the others, any longer and the cover of Katie just going to put her books in her locker would be well and truly blown.
The mention of Katie going out with Rick after school still weighed heavily at the back of his mind, but he made a conscious effort to ignore it and deal with it on a day that wasn't hers.
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you
Katie didn't hang around and walk with Susan and the Shepard boys after their last class, choosing to hurry out into the parking lot as soon as the school bell rang, not because of excitement for her afternoon with Rick, but because she didn't want him to spot her walking out of school with Curly or any of his friends.
Her nerves about going out with Rick this afternoon had grown throughout the school day. His offer had been so out of character for the person he'd been acting like lately, but so in character with the person he had been a few months ago. That made her hopeful, that maybe he was getting over whatever mood he'd been stuck in for the past two months, but part of her was afraid that he was luring her into a confrontation. Perhaps he knew about Curly, or maybe he had heard she was hanging out with the Shepard boys at school. She didn't think that Bradley would have told Rick about that because he'd had plenty of chances to already, but maybe after their argument on Monday he had said something...
He was there in his car waiting for her when she came across the school lawn and she tossed her books on his backseat before climbing in next to him.
"How was school?" he asked, a harmless enough question but strained nonetheless.
"Fine," Katie replied, glancing at Rick sideways for any sign on his face of him knowing all about her day, especially a certain part of it... She was being paranoid. His face gave away nothing. "Where're we going?"
"Jay's," Rick responded as he pulled his car out of the parking lot and onto the main road.
Katie pushed back the disappointment that tickled her stomach. She had thought that maybe he would take her to Angelo's, a little ice-cream place not far from the Ribbon that he and Mike used to take her to after school sometimes.
They drove the rest of the way and entered Jay's with awkward silence between them, only speaking to give their orders at the front counter before taking seats across from one another at a vacant table with their milkshakes.
"So," Rick said finally after his first slurp of the milkshake.
Katie glanced up at him from her straw and slightly embarrassed at her loss for words, repeated him, "So..."
Rick looked at her for a long moment before leaning forward in his seat and resting his elbows on the table between them. "I hear you've taken a sudden interest in the going ons of my gang."
Katie's eyes shot back down to the straw she was sipping her milkshake through, trying to lengthen her sip and look sincerely oblivious to what he was talking about. Bradley, was all she thought. Bradley must have told him. The only other person she'd spoken to about Brumly business was Curly. Dread turned her numb; had Bradley told Rick anything about Curly, or Dale or Glenn, aswell?
"What do you mean?" she asked, feigning confusion when she finally swallowed her mouthful of cold vanilla milkshake.
Rick's jaw clenched slightly, but it was enough for Katie to realize that he was trying very hard to keep his composure.
"I want you to cut it out," Rick said, his lips thin and his words authoritative, like she was still the baby sister that followed him blindly. "Gang business is between me and my gang; you don't need to know anythin' more."
"So I'm not supposed to wonder or worry about where you're going whenever you leave the house and what you're doing?" Katie asked, the bold words slipping out before she could check herself. Rick just lent back in his seat again and gave her a look like that was exactly what she was supposed to do, but that wasn't good enough for her anymore. "Does mom know what you do and where you go?"
"No."
"Does she know how you make the money you're always giving her for bills?" she asked, pushing her milkshake away from her. The milk was churning inside of her and making her feel ill.
Rick's eyes narrowed at her and she knew that he was internally questioning just how much Katie knew about his money making methods. "It doesn't matter; she wouldn't be able to keep the roof over all our heads if it weren't for that money."
That wasn't something that had occurred to Katie yet. She had never paid much attention to the finances, just knowing that there was never really much of it. Even if her mom knew that the money paying their bills was from the sale of drugs, she wouldn't be in a position to refuse it.
Katie looked down at her milkshake. She hadn't thought twice about it, but Rick had paid for it.
"I don't want this," she said, pushing it further away from her.
"Jesus, Katie," Rick groaned, dragging a frustrated hand over his face. "I brought you here 'cause I wanted to see you for your birthday. Stop makin' it so damn difficult."
But she would've preferred going to Angelo's over Jay's, and he would've known that. If Mike were still here that's where they would probably be right now, together.
A bit of anger deflated in Katie and she decided to try again. "Do you remember last year when Mike tried baking me a cake?" she asked, thinking of how their mom had had to work all day on her last birthday, much like today, and instead of buying a cake Mike had decided to make his first attempt at baking. He had wanted the cake to be pink for her, but hadn't realized that he'd used strawberry essence instead of pink food coloring. It had tasted dreadful. She missed him.
"I don't want to talk about him," Rick said sharply, looking away and pushing his milkshake forward, disinterested, like Katie had done with her own.
Her face fell and she didn't know what she had expected from Rick this afternoon, but this wasn't it. He hadn't asked her how her birthday had been so far or if she had plans to celebrate tonight. He hadn't brought her here because he'd wanted to see her for her birthday; he had brought her here because he wanted to squash her curiosity over what his gang was up to. And she despised him for it.
"I want to go home now," she told him and his only response was kicking up out of his chair and making a beeline for the front door. She followed him out into the cool air and the silence during the drive home crushed her.
Katie flung herself onto her bed the instant she was up the stairs and behind her closed bedroom door. She heard Rick's bedroom door slam closed behind him, and the vibration it sent through the house tipped Katie over into tears. She sobbed quietly into her pillow until she heard the creak of Rick's door reopening. His heavy footsteps descended the stairs and a moment later the front door slammed closed. Katie sat up on her bed and glanced out her window just in time to catch him gun the engine of his car and pull out into the street.
Katie wondered what his response would've been if she had told him that she knew he and the gang were selling drugs. Before he would've cared that he had disappointed her, but it was clear he didn't care much about anything anymore. She just didn't understand when he had stopped considering her something worth caring about, or how he could do that.
She sighed, resenting him more and more as the minutes passed, and decided that she should've just gone straight back to Susan's with her and the guys instead of wasting her time on Rick. She stood up in front of her mirror and wiped at the little black marks of mascara that had run a little bit. She pulled her hair out of its pony tail and let it fall around her face. The skirt she had worn to school was discarded and replaced by pants and a coat because though the weather had started to warm up a little in the last couple of weeks the evenings were still quite frosty.
When she was ready she left the house and walked the several blocks over to Susan's place where she recognized Tim's car parked in the driveway and walked through the front door to find Susan, Curly, Dale and Glenn lazing around in the lounge room.
Curly's head shot up mid-conversation at the sound of the front door opening and it was only a small shock to see Katie standing there.
"That was quick," Susan remarked from where she sat atop Dale in an armchair as Katie walked further into the lounge room and flopped down next to Curly on the couch.
"There wasn't much to talk about," Katie replied, her hand itching to move an inch and touch Curly's.
"You walked here?" Curly asked and Katie nodded. "We could've come and got you."
"Do I really need to worry about being jumped by Shepard boys?" Katie asked, looking around at the others skeptically. "I'm fine."
She was right, Curly supposed. He wouldn't put it past one of Brumly's guys to attack Angela if she were walking around alone, but he didn't think his buddies would do the same to a Brumly girl. They were still firm on leaving girls out of gang issues.
"No you ain't," Glenn said, leaning forward from the other armchair in the room to push a bottle of rum on the table in the middle of all of them toward Katie. "But you will be."
She didn't really feel like getting drunk tonight, but took a swig anyway and found that Glenn was right. She felt better the moment the hot liquor began to spread through her body.
Conversation started back up and before long it was time for the five teenagers to toddle out of Susan's house and pile into Tim's car. Glenn offered the birthday girl the front seat and Curly drove them all to the drive-in cinema.
Katie and Curly waited in the car while Glenn, Dale and Susan went off to get popcorn. Katie didn't want to risk a River King or Brumly boy being at the nightly double and catching sight of her there with a few Shepard boys. They were safer in the darkness of the car, and Curly was more than happy to have a quiet moment alone with her.
"Do you wanna talk about Rick?" he asked, sensing that something had happened earlier between him and Katie.
Katie sighed, so sick of thinking and talking about her stupid brother. "It had nothing to do with my birthday and everything to do with getting me to stop asking questions."
Curly was quiet for a long moment, waiting for Katie to elaborate. "What exactly does he know?" he asked when the silence became obvious that Katie wasn't going to continue without prompting.
"Bradley told him," she said and Curly remembered the look on Bradley's face on Monday morning when he had watched Katie talk to Curly in the parking lot, and Curly was fairly sure that he might have seen them taking off together, or at least put two and two together when neither Katie or Curly were in school for the rest of the day. Glenn and Dale had questioned him about it that afternoon and Curly had told them that he'd taken Katie somewhere to cool off about a few things and to keep their mouths shut about it. He could guess they probably had their suspicions of what was going on, but neither of them had brought the matter up again since.
"About you and me?" Curly asked and Katie shook her head.
"I don't think so," she said giving him a funny look. "Just that I was asking about what Rick and his guys were getting up to. How would Bradley know about us?"
"Well he knows I got you out of Bucks when," he stopped short of referring to the party as the night Rick had split her forehead open, "Rick and Tim had that fight. And he was watching us Monday morning after you got out of his car."
Katie was thoughtful for a minute. "I don't understand why he wouldn't tell Rick if he knows something's going on with us."
She remembered the hurt on his face when she had accused him of being loyal to the gang over her. He had even pointed out that he could have very easily told Rick about Katie leaving Buck's with Curly and Dale, but then he had gone and told Rick she was sticking her nose where it shouldn't be with the gang and still not told him about the Shepard issue. It didn't make sense.
Curly had long suspected Bradley of having some form of infatuation for Katie, but even he had to admit he didn't know why Bradley wouldn't tell Rick about them when doing so would probably cause a big problem for Katie and Curly's relationship, leaving Bradley to swoop in and give Katie an easy way out and back into Rick's good graces... One thing was for sure, neither of them trusted Bradley.
The back car door opened and Katie and Curly jumped, not noticing until now how close they had been sliding along the bench seat to each other. Susan, Dale and Glenn piled into the back seat again and handed Curly and Katie a bucket of popcorn. Any chance at continuing their conversation was over, so Katie and Curly settled in for the movie that was starting on the big screen in front of them.
About half way through the movie Curly's hand slowly crept across the seat and found Katie's resting in her lap. She stifled a grin and a sideways glance at him. Not long after, the squelching of mixing saliva and kissing started up in the back seat and Glenn groaned theatrically. He climbed out of the car pretty soon after that, claiming to have caught sight of a girl, Cindy, who he'd taken out on a date last weekend and who had never called him back.
Curly thought Glenn had the right idea and, not wanting to sit in the car any longer with Dale and Susan making out the way they were, told the group that he was going to the toilet. Katie let him go and a few seconds got out of the car and followed after him toward the back of the concession stand where the toilet block stood.
Instead of going into the men's room, though, Curly continued off the footpath and turned the corner and out of Katie's sight. She followed him around the corner where the light from the bathrooms and concession stand didn't quite reach and he grabbed her by the wrist and spun her around until her back was up against the brick wall and he was hovering over her.
"You didn't really need to use the bathroom, did you?" she asked, laughing lightly.
"No," he answered, staring down at her intently and admiring the way her eyes shone in the moonlight.
His eyes moved to her pink lips and she felt a hot blush creeping up her neck as he looked the rest of her up and down. He moved closer to her and Katie let out a sweet sigh when he lent down to kiss her with a hunger that left her aching for more of him when he pulled away slightly for air. Groaning like a spoiled child denied her favorite toy she arched her back forward and reached for the belt loops of his jeans, pulling him as close to her as possible.
Curly kissed her again, smirking against her lips knowing that she could feel the hardness between them, before moving his lips to trail her jaw line all the way up to her ear. "I could sneak you into my place tonight, you know," he said, nicking her earlobe with his teeth and reveling in the shiver he felt go through her.
She wanted to. With her body flush against his it was all she wanted to be closer, but her mom had left for work before Katie had woken up this morning and she wanted to see her.
"My mom hasn't seen me today yet," she said regretfully.
Katie had told them that already earlier at Susan's house, so Curly was expecting that to be Katie's response, but he'd thought he would try anyway. He kissed down her neck instead of replying, trying to resist the urge to leave a mark that would declare her his as he gently nipped and sucked bits of her flowery smelling skin before finally reigning himself in and blowing a huge raspberry on her neck. Katie squealed and tried to wriggle away from him, but his hands clamped down tight on her hips and held her in place as he nuzzled his head into the crook of her neck, eliciting a string of giggles and don'ts from her.
Later when he and the others dropped Katie home a few houses down from her place she wished she could do more than offer him the same thanks she had given Susan, Dale and Glenn for hanging out with her on her birthday. Maybe she would on another day, at another time.
Tim's car stayed where it had pulled up on the side of the street until Katie reached her house and before walking up the driveway and heading inside, she glanced back into the headlights and gave Curly one last smile.
"Is that you, Katie?" her mom called out from upstairs when she closed the front door behind her and made her way up the stairs.
Rick's car hadn't been in the driveway and she was relieved to find her mom sitting cross-legged on her bed, her jewelry box sitting in front of her.
"Just me," Katie said, standing in Shirley Thomas' doorway.
"Happy birthday," Shirley beamed up at Katie and patted the area of bed beside her. Katie moved into the room and sat down with her mom. "This," Shirley said, taking Katie's palm and placing something cold into it, "is for you." Katie looked down at the piece of jewelry in her hand. It was a gold chain bracelet with a small padlock designed into it. "My mom gave it to me when I turned eighteen," Shirley explained with a sad smile, no doubt remembering a special moment in her life with a mother that was years gone now, "and now I'm giving it to you, and one day you'll give it to your daughter."
Katie closed the hand the bracelet sat in and smiled at her mom. "Thank you," she said quietly, before opening her hand again and slipping the bracelet onto her wrist.
"Beautiful," Shirley beamed again, "like you, my dear." She moved the jewelry box down onto the floor by her bed before turning back to Katie and wrapping her up in a warm hug. "How was your day?" she asked, pulling Katie down onto the pillows with her and placing a kiss on top of her daughter's blonde hair.
Katie wanted so much to tell her about a boy with dark, curly hair and deep, blue eyes and how he was infuriating and kind and protective and funny. She wanted to tell her mom how he was honest even when it was going to hurt and how her heart beat faster when he looked at her. But with a bitter pang in her chest she realize she couldn't say any of those things in case her mom were to mention it to Rick.
So instead she told Shirley that Rick had taken her for a milkshake that afternoon and how she and a few of her friends from school, Susan among them, had just seen a new movie. She reminded her mom of the cake Mike had baked for Katie a year ago today and they laughed together the way she wished she'd been able to do with Rick at Jay's.
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?