South Park Unleashed: The Complete Series

by JVM-SP150

An archive of ten or so 'Kids as Kids' fanfics, all set in the same fanfic continuity. Join Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny Butters and more as they help Pip find peace in the after-life, get snowed in at Christmas, board a romantic cruise ship, analyze Cartman, and unravel a overly-complicated murder mystery. For them, it's all part of growing up in South Park! *UNDER CONSTRUCTION*

10. The Last Episode?

A/N: I don't have much to say - edited the Goth Kids' names, removed the long list of names, and cut a few of Bebe's lines (which were originally a bit misogynistic) but otherwise left unedited. This, again, is not one of my prouder fics. It's been five years now, and I hope it's understood I'm not nearly as much of a self-centered piece of shit as when I wrote this thing, making the whole rest of the fandom look like a bunch of idiots. I loved you guys and I'm sorry.

South Park Unleashed

"The Last Episode?"

by JVM-SP150

Today was a Wednesday.

For the fourth graders of South Park Elementary School, this was the most important day of the week. Every Wednesday, the entire fourth grade class, male or female, black or white, smart or stupid, tuned in to the Canada Channel and waited for another riveting episode of their favorite animated satire. The Cartoon Central logo would begin as the kids would sit together at their various houses with drinks and popcorn, and then the title credits would roll, and all would be well with the world for just thirty minutes as another episode of Terrance and Phillip rolled by.

"I hear this week they're making fun of Inception or something." Kyle Broflovski said with glee. He loved Terrance and Phillip with a passion - he watched every episode, he bought the DVDs, he listened to the commentaries, he caught them on talk shows, he watched the preview clips, posted on the official forums, edited the wiki and between only him and Stan, he wrote fanfiction for the show in his spare time. Nobody knew more about Terrance and Phillip than him, except maybe Terrance and Phillip themselves. "They go into Phillip's dream I think."

"That sounds hella lame." Cartman said, crossing his arms. Only God knew why Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters still hung out with Cartman. The fat bastard had only gone from bad to worse, from fat to gigantic, from racist to white supremecist. The boy who ground up people's parents and fed them to them as chili was sitting and munching on a bag of cheesy poofs, barely moving.

"Shut up Cartman, it's starting." Stan glared. He needed this - he had just gotten back from a very stressful few weeks and godammit nobody was runing one of the few things that kept him sane when his life was at it's worst. Stan sipped his soda, eyes glued to the television screen.

"This week on and all-new Terrance and Phillip... Terrance's former flame is back!" As the announcer's voice spoke, the boys watched Terrance open a door to reveal Celine Dion with Sally. "And what happens when Phillip finds himself unable to do the thing he loves most!" Phillip appears and bends over to let rip a fart... and nothing happens.

"Oh my God! P-poor Phillip you guys!" Butters' eyes widened with fear as he hugged on to Kenny for dear life, worried about the possibility of losing his own precious ability to pass gas. Kenny uncaringly pushed Butters off and flipped him the bird before reaching for Cartman's bag of cheesy poofs.

"No Kinny!" Cartman slapped Kenny's hand away, but it returned. "No Kinny! I SAID NO KINNEY, THESE ARE MY CHEESY POOFS! NO KINNY THAT'S A BAD KINNY!"

"Shut up!" Stan said again. No more fucking interruptions - Stan was focused solely on finding out what the hell Celine Dion was back for after a decade-long absence from the show. Kyle had informed him numerous times about how Celine had been retconned into nothingness. He let Kyle ramble about it, but in truth the only time he and Kyle really agreed on that sort of issue is when Ugly Bob died in the 201st episode.

xXx

"Say Terrance, what did the Wisconson union say to the Republican?" said Phillip Argyle, standing next to Terrance by their couch. He was in his usual attire - a blue shirt with a 'P' on it. Canadians are not very creative at picking out clothing it seems.

"I don't know, Phillip, what?" FART! Cue giggling. "Hey Phillip, what did Godzilla say to the Japanese?" POOT! More giggling.

"Say Terrance, what did Barbra Streisand say to the Polish monkey?" Suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Hold that one, Phillip." Terrance approached the door and opened it, "Oh my God!"

"Hello Terrance. It's been a long time." Celine Dion said, holding a nervous Sally.

"Yes, yes it has... Celine, I-"

"Who's at the door, Terrance?" Katie Queef-Stoot walked up, "...oh my God, it's famous singer Celine Dion!"

"...who's this, Terrance?" Celine put her hands on her hips - clearly she was displeased with this sudden development.

"...this is my wife, Katie." Terrance said, putting an arm around her. "We were just about to enjoy kroff dinner with Phillip and his wife when you arrived."

"Oh..." clearly Celine was still unhappy, but seemed satisfied, "I didn't realize you'd... moved on."

"Well, I have. Why do you want back into my life all of the sudden, woman?"

"Daddy!" With some convenient timing, Sally launched herself at her father, hugging his leg. "I missed you!"

"Oh Terrance, it's your daughter Sally!" Katie, as a life-long Terrance and Phillip fan, needed no explanation like most wives would in this kind of situation.

"Terrance, it's Sally. She's really missed you. Ever since you rescued her from Iran-"

"Iraq." Phillip corrected.

"Oh, what's the difference? Ever since you two rescued her she's missed you so much, she's wanted to reconnect. I tried to stop her, telling her there was no point but she insisted..." Celine explained, "I'm sorry, Terrance."

"Celine... I don't know what to say..." FART! Terrance and Phillip laughed. Celine angrily approached them... QUIFF!

"Oh yeah, take this!" Phillip said, pointing his rear in her direction. There was an extremely long pause. After several intense moments, Phillip turned around, "I... I have to see a Doctor!"

"Wait, Phillip!" Katherine followed her husband out the door past Celine and Sally.

xXx

"WILL PHILLIP EVER BE ABLE TO FART AGAIN?

WILL TERRANCE RECONNECT WITH HIS DAUGHTER?

WILL KATIE BECOME JEALOUS OF CELINE DION?

WILL SCOTT THE DICK MAKE AN APPEARANCE?

The answers to these questions and more will be answered... right after the commercial break!"

The kids sat in front of the television in anticipation

xXx

AND NOW THE THRILLING CONCLUSION...

Phillip Argyle stood in a doctor's office wearing the smock all patients had to. He sat on the table as he awaited his doctor, nervous about his condition. There was no point to Phillip's life without the ability to fart. His wife Katherine stood a few feet away reading MAPLE SYRUP WEEKLY. "Phillip, did you hear Martha Stewart's released a recipe for Maple Syrup queefs?"

"Katherine, I have a serious problem!" There was a pause, "...dammit! Nothing! Where's my Doctor?" Phillip asked, rising.

"All right, have a seat, guy, I'm right here to take a look at your- Phillip!" Scott the Giant Dick stood in the doorway, hunched over as he held a clipboard. He glared angrily as soon as he saw one of his nemeses seated, "Why is it every time I get a new job you people have to show up and ruin it!"

"Scott, please, I know you're a Giant Dick and all, but I need help. I have a serious problem right now!" Phillip said with sadness, "Scott... please look at my ass."

"No! You're going to fart in my face! I'm not falling for it again!" Scott cried angrily, crossing his arms and looking away. He hated farts, he hated Phillip and he hated looking at asses. All of those things together? He'd rather live with an Eskimo. Phillip burst into tears.

"Scott, Phillip needs you to look at his ass because he can't fart anymore." Katherine explained, putting a hand on her husband's shoulder, before releasing a rather violent queef, "WE GO IN! WE KILL! LOSERS, WAIT! Sorry, little Road Warior Queef there." she said.

"...fine, I'll look at it. Phillip, drop your pants." Scott said, Phillip doing as instructed. Scott tried not to wretch as he peered into Phillip's ass. The problem was apparent immediately, "Well Phillip it looks like you have cancer. In your ass."

"What? In my ass?" Phillip said with shock, looking to Katherine, then back to Scott. Not cancer. Anything but cancer. "Can you remove the tumor?"

"Yes." There was a long pause.

"Well, what the hell are you doing, aren't you going to remove it?"

"No. I wished this cancer upon you when Saddam Hussein invaded. I won't get rid of it even if it means me getting fired." Scott crossed his arms, then there was a loud phone ringing, "Hello? Oh, hi boss. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh thanks." Scott hung up, "Guess who just got fired?"

xXx

"Mommy!" came Sally's urgent voice as her mother tried to read a copy of Persons magazine. "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." Let Terrance deal with the bastard child, it was his idea not to use a condom after all.

"What is it, Sally?" Terrance asked, folding down his newspaper and looking at his daughter, hoping to reconnect with her, feeling guilty for having abandoned her. He remembered all the trouble Phillip went through to find out who his real father was...

"Why's that man wearing a bag over his head?" Sally pointed to a man in a brown coat with a lowercase 'b' on his shirt, and indeed, a paper bag covering his head.

"Shush darling, that's Ugly Bob. If he took the bag off, your head would explode from the sheer ugliness. And then you will be ugly too and no one will love you." Celine said, patting her daughter on the head thoughtfully.

"He's alive!" Terrance said in shock, getting up and moving several chairs away from the hideously disfigured man.

"Terrance! Celine! I haven't seen any of you since I moved out of Toronto." Ugly Bob said, "Oh, yes, I got a reprieve. You see I was so hideously ugly they wouldn't accept me into Hell. I'm actually here to get some facial correctment surgery."

"Ugly Bob?" they turned to see Phillip, "Ladies, gentlemen... and Ugly Bob. I'd like to let you all know I have cancer. I have seven days to live."

"WILL PHILLIP SURVIVE HIS ASS CANCER?

WILL TERRANCE'S DAUGHTER DO ANYTHING IMPORTANT?

WHY IS UGLY BOB SHOWING UP?

AND WHAT ELSE WILL COME IN THE GRAND TERRANCE & PHILLIP FINALE?

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK AT NINE!"

xXx

"Fft, that episode sucked!" declared Cartman, holding on to the remote, scoffing. What a terrible waste of his time. Why couldn't Terrance and Phillip make something good. Nope, they rolled out crap. Godammit. He tossed the remote on the couch and got up and left. "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"Yeah, it was dumb. How is Ugly Bob even alive?" Stan asked, rolling his eyes as he got down, "I can't believe they're realling ending the show though. It's fifteen years old." he noted, looking down. "Still. it's not as good as it used to be. They probably want to be cancelled." Stan walked off.

"...what Eric and Stan said." Butters said defiantly, following his friends off toward the door. Kyle stood incredulous, exchanging a glance with Kenny of shock. Was he weird for liking it? Kenny sighed and put a hand on Kyle's shoulder, looking at him supportively.

"I'm sorry dude. I know how important Terrance and Phillip is to you." Kenny said comfortingly, only able to guess at how crappy Kyle must feel, but hoping to sympathize. Kyle was always the dedicated Terrance and Phillip fan, "It must be so hard for you to deal with the show ending."

"I'll make it, Kenny... one day at a time, man, one day at a time..." Kyle said. Kenny nodded understaingly, blue eyes meeting Kyle's browns, before leaving with the others, leaving Kyle alone. He sighed and changed the channel, "Ike, time for the MacNeil/Lehrer Report." Kyle sighed as his little brother hopped in and took the remote.

xXx

"Godammit, Craig you stupid asswipe, no that episode sucked. It was just a bunch of over-dramatic plot crap with no meaning. Terrance and Phillip isn't supposed to be about fart jokes, it's supposed to be about cutting-edge satire on current events. Next thing you know Family Guy will be the top-rated animated comedy series." Eric Cartman stood his ground, flanked by Token and Butters.

"What are you talking about?" Craig shook his head, "Fart jokes are the only reason anyone watches Terrance and Phillip. Like anyone cares about Terrance and Phillip think about stupid celebrities or the Rapture. People want jokes, and that's what the show's really about." he said.

"Yeah, everytime they do a stupid episode that's not funny they lose viewers, even if it's that smart bullshit you guys think is so good." Clyde added, at Craig's side, Kevin Stoley and Jason also standing to their noble leader.

"Fft, Terrance and Phillip isn't about stupid fucking fart jokes, it's about reality. Every fart joke means something on that show. They're not making fun of celebrities, they're making a goddamn point. And last night was just some stupid crap about anal cancer and stupid Celine Dion. There was no meaning behind it!" Cartman accused.

"You guys make me so glad the show is ending next week." Kevin crossed his arms, rolling his eyes. Everyone always had to argue about Terrance and Phillip. Red Racer, Jesus & Pals, Huntin' and Killin', Russell Crowe, no, none of the those shows mattered. But Terrance and Phillip was the one that aroused interest in people.

"Kevin godammit, shut up, this isn't about your stupid Star Wars: The Clone Wars shit, okay?" Cartman facepalmed. Kevin never understood anything. You think being rich would have helped the kids' intelligence levels but no, it was always about fucking Star Wars Jedi bullshit with him.

"I'm not talking about Star Wars-" Kevin attempted to clarify, but Cartman had no ear for it, putting up his hand and looking away,

"Kevin godammit I said shut up!" Cartman said angrily at Kevin, who sighed. This wasn't about stupid Chinese Star Wars nerds, this was serious arguing with Craig and those stupid guys, sans Token. Godammit why was everyone so stupid around him.

"You guys are so juvenile, you know that?" Red shook her head, the other girls behind her, "That show is absolute crap." The girls were shocked by how stupid boys could be sometimes, "We're so much more mature than that."

xXx

Garrison sighed as the bell rang. Time to begin class with all of his stupid little fucking rugrats. Sometimes he really hated his job. "All right class, we've spent the last two weeks discussing the rise of the Nazi Party so I think now we can begin our long-awaited unit on the second World War. Now can anyone tell me-"

"OOH! MR. GARRISON! OOH! PICK ME!" Cartman outstretched his hand eagerly. This was his unit. He was going to get such a raging A+. "I KNOW!"

"I didn't even ask a question yet, Eric." Garrison folled his eyes - how he hated his students, "Can anyone tell me how the war began?" he asked, "Anyone?" Cartman stretched his hand more, "Anybody?" Cartman leaped up on his desk, "All right, fine, Eric, what happened?"

"On September 1st, 1939, the Nazi troops invaded Poland, fighting off the Poland army and taking over the country and splitting it with the Soviet Union." Cartman said, recalling the date and events from memory,

"...Eric, for the first time in the two years I've taught you've children, you finally answered a question completely correctly." Garrison said with astonishment. "Yes, and after they took Poland, the Nazis began building camps in hopes of killing Russian and Polish prisoners-of-war, however..."

"...the Jews, faggots and gypsies got sent there, too!" Cartman smiled, "Hey guys, what's Hitler's least favorite planet! Jewpiter!" Cartman said, laughing hard, looking at Kyle, then stopped, "Kahl? Did you hear my offensive joke?"

"Yeah, Cartman..." Kyle said apathetically.

"Say guys, what's the difference between Jews and boy scouts?" Cartman asked Kyle, putting a hand on Kyle's desk, "Kahl, are you listening? Kahl, what's the difference between Jews and boy scouts?" Kyle didn't respond, "Boy scouts come back from their camps!" Kyle said nothing, "Mr. Garrison, I think I need to take Kahl to the nurse, he's acting really weird. He hasn't yelled at me or anything."

"...Eric, I've never seen you concerned for another human being in your entire life... go for it." Garrison said, handing Cartman a pass to the nurse's office, as he took it, dragging Kyle along as he exited the classroom.

"Why is it that when he acts up, nobody ever does anything!" Wendy said angrily, arms outstretched with annoyance, "He sits there and tells the most racist jokes in the world and we all just sit here and condone it!"

"Wendy, how about you just stop being a little bitch and take some goddamn notes, okay?" Garrison said angrily, taking his chalk and writing on the board.

xXx

Eric Cartman sat outside the nurse's office on a stool in the waiting room - which was really just the hallway. He looked down, eyes wide. Please God, don't let anything happen to Kyle. Kyle may be a dumb Jew, but godammit he was an ENTERTAINING Jew. Besides, if anyone's gonna take him out, Cartman was going to be the one. He swore- no, he KNEW it, deep down. He was going to kill Kyle Broflovski when the moment was right. But that moment was not now, in the fourth grade.

Suddenly there was a rapping at the nurse's door and Cartman opened it, "How is he, Nurse? Will Kahl ever be able to try to beat me up again?" he asked. Nurse Gollum sighed and shook her head (the dead fetus shaking as well, independently) at him. "No, no... it's cancer isn't it? No, I bet that asshole Kinny gave him syphillis... no, I know the truth. He got Super AIDS? There's not enough cash in the world to fight back Super AIDS..."

"Eric, your little friend is absolutely fine. I think he just needs to see the school counseler. Whatever's wrong with him is mental." Nurse Gollum explained, looking at her clipboard, "Mr. Mackey will have to decide whether we're sending little Kyle home or not."

"Thank you Nurse Gollum." Cartman said, "Don't worry, Jewboy. You ain't going nowhere yet." Cartman said calculatingly as Kyle walked out, eyes half-lidded and unfocused. Cartman was of no importance to Kyle any longer - it was as if he was a table now missing a leg, barely able to support itself. Cartman skipped over towards Mr. Mackey's office, which thankfully wasn't far. Craig sat on one of the three waiting seats. "What the hell are you in for?" Craig flipped him off, "Eh, don't flip me off you son of a bitch!"

"M'kay, who's next?" Mr. Mackey poked his head out. Cartman pushed Kyle toward Mackey, "Is something wrong with Kyle, m'kay?" Kyle did look a bit off, but what really worried him was the fact Eric Cartman was with him.

"Mr. Mackey, I'm really worried about him. I don't know what's wrong." Cartman pleaded, hands together, "Please take a look at this stupid Jew for me." he begged. Mackey raised an eyebrow in confusion at the idea of Cartman expressing concern for another human being but he sighed, "Please Mr. Mackey!"

"All right, m'kay, bring him in. But you have to stay outside, m'kay." Mr. Mackey said, not wanting any inteference from Cartman. Gods knows what hair-brained scheme he'd come up with this week and Mackey didn't want to find out. He was more concerned with Kyle's condition, as he'd barely spoken a word, an unusual situation for him.

"Okay." Cartman nodded, taking a seat next to Craig as Mackey closed the door behind him, "So Craig you asswipe what are you up to this week?"

xXx

The most popular and common activity at recess was football, and usually when a football game was going all the fourth grade boys joined in. Today the teams were divided into the first team - Stan, Kenny, Tweek, Butters, Token, Timmy, and Jimmy, against Bill, Fosse, Terrance, Tommy, Jason, Clyde, and Kevin. "Hike!" Stan called as the first play began. "Kenny, go long!" Kenny nodded and began moving backward swiftly.

"Heheh, that's gay!" laughed Fosse McDonald, looking to his cousin Bill Allen as both boys laughed madly, seeing Kenny run back, "Totally gay."

"I got it! I got it!" Tweek Tweak said eagerly, holding his arms out, "AUGH! NO I DON'T!" he retracted them and ran out of the way, much to more laughing from Fosse and Bill. He wasn't good at sports, he hated them, oh how he hated them...

"I'm open!" Kenny called, now near the edge of the field right by the brick perimeter of the playground. Stan tossed the ball to Kenny, who raised his arms to catch it, but the ball only managed to hit him square in the chest and push him against the wall, killing him instantly, a bloody mess all over the bricks.

"Oh my God, I killed Kenny!" Stan said in shock, looking at his poor friend's corpse. Oh no. Kenny was dead. His friend was gone forever. He'd never see him ever again. Stan sighed. Poor Kenny. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to forgive himself for this.

xXx

"YOU BASTARD!" Kyle suddenly sprang to life for a swift moment, much to the shock of Mr. Mackey, who had been sitting with the lifeless Jewish boy for five minutes now. Whatever had happened to him, it seemed to expel energy into his veins for a split second before Kyle returned to normal. Mr. Mackey considered using the ancient school counseler technique of mind meld.

"M'kay Kyle, why am I a bastard?" Mr. Mackey asked, putting one hand on his chin while the other held a notepad and pen.

"Oh, sorry, I don't know what came over me... Mr. Mackey, I'm not sure I should be here." Kyle looked down at the floor. "It's kind of a complicated issue..." he explained nervously. This wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to talk to the school counseler about. He had to appreciate Cartman's concern but godammit this wasn't that big a deal...

"Kyle, I'm the school counseler, m'kay, I'm your friend, there's nothing you can't tell me." Mr. Mackey said taking the pen in one hand and the notepad in the other, ready to jot down notes.

"Look Mr. Mackey... have you ever really gotten obsessive over something, where it felt like it was almost a part of you? One of my favorite television series is going to air it's finale next week and well... I dunno. It's like... I know all good things must come to an end but... it's just hard to image a world without Terrance and Phillip."

"...what? There's not gonna be any more Terrance and Phillip?" Mr. Mackey said, mouth wide open, "You're kidding, m'kay? The show's been on for fifteen years, it can't be over yet." Mackey said quietly, sounding more as if speaking to himself than Kyle. He shook his head, "Kyle, I think what you need is to attend a TV addiction therapy class after school with me and a few other students and adults is that okay?"

"...no! No it's not okay! I'm not addicted! Haven't you ever had that one show Mr. Mackey where no matter how shitty it gets, it's like a friend and you can't just stand and abandon it? Where it becomes more than a TV show to you?" Kyle asked, looking at Mr. Mackey, earthly brown eyes almost pleading with him.

"M'kay, Kyle, I think you need to step out of my office and take a breather at home. Come back and see me tomorrow during recess, m'kay?" Mackey said, tense, avoiding Kyle's question. He wasn't comofrtable answering it for reasons Kyle couldn't understand.

The Jewish boy, angered his question was not answered, glared at him. "Answer my question, Mackey!" Kyle said, eyes narrow.

"M'kay, how about you keep your goddamn mouth shut and get the fuck out of my office! I will rape you in the mouth, m'kay!" Mackey rose up, glaring at Kyle in a rage Kyle had not seen since the last school play, when they had performed on the dangers of the legendary, evil creature known as Tooth Decay. Kyle sighed and walked out, looking back to see Mr. Mackey picking up the phone,

"M'kay, Johnson, is that you? We had a turd in the punch bowl, m'kay." he said. Kyle raised an eyebrow but shook his head and closed the door behind him, checking both ways. Nope, he was alone, besides Craig, but that was a given outside Mackey's office.

"...hey, where's fatass?" he asked Craig. Craig yawned, and promptly flipped Kyle the bird. "Hey, don't you flip me off!"

xXx

"Hey son, you're home early." Stuart McCormick said, arms crossed. He was sober, which Kenny found quite strange until he realized it was still morning. His father's hair was still mildly combed and his trademark Scotch cape was perfect on his head. Kenny rolled his eyes at his father as he sat up in his bed. "Your mother's at work. I'm going to the bar. Place is all your's. Better have a roof on when I get back." Kenny nodded and waited to hear the door slam behind his father before getting up and running into the front room.

"I need a new show." he mumbled beneath his hood as he turned the TV on and opened a TV Guide with all of the NASCAR and Terrance & Phillip episodes circled in orange - those were his shows. All sorts of shows Kenny didn't know were circled in red by Kevin and green was used to circle his mother's shows, mostly stuff about cooking and romance. Ugh. Last was highlighted in blue, all sorts of stuff on alcohol - that was dad's. He turned on the TV:

"Back to an all-new episode of Family Guy..." Kenny turned his head, watching as the Griffin family was shown, Peter sitting in an arm-chair with his family on the couch. He stared suggestively toward Lois as she spoke,

"Petah, did you get drunk at the stag party last night?"

"No, I was too busy eating noodles in Moscow with Christina Hendricks." The scene changed to a dinner room with armed guards in ushankas holding weapons and beer, and a table at which Peter sat across from a red-haired woman in a dress who's impressive chest Kenny immediately recognized, though it took him a moment to recall exactly who's animated assets he was admiring. "Thanks for buying me noodles, Christina!"

Kenny raised an eyebrow and wasn't sure whether to fall over laughing at the insanity of the scene before his eyes or to cry at just how pointless it seemed to be. Meh, Kyle watched Family Guy, Kenny would prefer to find something more his own. Besides, he'd heard things from his father about Christina Hendricks which made him prefer to forget who she was.

xXx

"Augh! Don't pass it to me! Oh God, oh Jesus, please not me!" called out Tweek. He hated football - like Kenny, he was athletically challenged, too nervous to handle the game. Luckily Token and Stan had handled the ball for their team mostly, leaving Tweek little to do, something he personally was glad about.

"Timmah!" Timmy loved sports but didn't have the prowess of his friends, however - he just liked playing. Unfortunately it was near impossible to get the ball sometimes, even if he was open, "Daw libalaw timmah!"

"Come on, fellas, you got this covered!" Butters called from the back. He wasn't too interested in the game, he was planning Professor Chaos' latest scheme to take over the town, besides Stan and Token didn't like him too much - he wasn't expecting the ball to come near him. Stan tossed the ball to Mark Cotswolds, who was reluctantly filling in for the now mysteriously absent Kenny, and the home-schooled boy quickly tossed it in the direction of Token, who along with Stan, were the star players.

"Go long, Tw-" there was a tap on Stan's shoulder and he turned, "Yeah, dude?" he turned, raising an eyebrow, "C-Cartman?" he said, shocked. What did Cartman want? "What's wrong? Is Kyle okay?" he asked, deeply concerned for his friend. As faggish as it was, Kyle meant the world to him. He refused to see his best friend go, at least not without a fight.

"...he's going to be okay... if you help me." Cartman smiled. Stan raising an eyebrow, "What?" Cartman said, not understanding why Stan looked so confused, "Look Stan, I know exactly how to help Kyle. I need to see you at my house after school, okay? Bring Butters, okay?" Cartman skipped off merrily.

"...we contining our game or do you have to go, Stan?" Jason asked with a frown. The other boys were enjoying the game, not willing to let it go so easily. Well, Tweek was kind of liking the idea of losing the pressure, but Mark Cotswolds enjoyed the socialization and most of the other boys just liked football because they did.

"Yeah, I'm up to play, I just have to see Cartman after school." Stan shrugged, "Dude, Jimmy, get ready to go long." he smiled, getting back into game mode and smiling in Jimmy's direction. Jimmy began running back in hopes of getting the ball for his team. Mark Cotswolds stood near him, ready to grab it if Jimmy missed.

"Hey Stan, isn't your birthday coming up?" asked Clyde with curiosity.

xXx

"Well, I'm glad we could all make it here tonight. My mom made lemon squares - I'd like to thank Clyde for the recipe. Anyway, let's now commence the first of hopefully many meetings of the Alliance to Restore Terrance and Phillip, or ARTP. I'm Eric Cartman." Cartman smiled at the podium, looking over at the few filled seats. "How are we all feeling, today? Stan?" he asked, looking over to Stan, who had a hand on his cheek and looked away, distracted.

"Oh, uh, sorry, I was just thinking about... nothing." Stan shook his head. "Is this really everyone?" he looked over at the few other individuals who showed up. He just wanted to help Kyle and get him out of his rut. He could only imagine what his best friend was going through right now. He sighed quietly, and Cartman understood somewhat, although he wouldn't admit it - just because Cartman lacked the ability to feel empathy for others did not mean he lacked a basic understanding of human emotion.

"Uh, excuse me, how long is this going to take? I need to get back to work in a few hours..." rose a man in his chair, wearing a dark suit with neatly combed brown hair. He was very familiar to the boys, but they had to confess they did not know his name as often as they saw him.

"Mr. Johnson, was it? Yes, I know Mayor McDaniels needs you, she always needs her aides, heheh, but don't worry. I know you're a big Terrance and Phillip fan and that's totally okay, 'cuz together we are all going to get the show un-cancelled!" Cartman said with a wide grin, outstretching his arms. Butters clapped wildly, whooping happily in support of his friend. Stan raised an eyebrow. Johnson sat back down,

"Well little boy, how are we going to do that?" Johnson asked skeptically - as optimistic as he was to revive the show, it didn't exactly seem like a likely possibility to him at least.

"How do we do that? Oh, it's very simple, Johnson. We'll use you to threaten the City Wok owner and take a City Airlines flight up to Canada, where we will reach Toronto and use Ike to gain entrance due to his status, and then we will find the CEOs and try to convince them not to cancel it. If that plan fails, we will have to find the set ourselves - using Butters as a decoy to lure the guards away - then me, Stan, Ike, and Johnson will speak with Terrance, Phillip, Celine, Ugly Bob, the Queef Sisters and Scott the Giant Dick." The others exchanged glances.

"Sweetie, another person is here for your little club meeting!" came Liane Cartman's voice. Cartman left the podium and approached the stairs - his mother stood at the top, looking down into the basement, "I'm sorry to interrupt your little meeting, honey, but someone else came insisting they had to attend your meeting." she explained.

"Oh, who mom?" Liane moved aside as Mr. Mackey stepped out, sighing and looking quite ashamed of himself. Cartman's eyebrow raised, "I know you didn't expect one of your teachers to show up, sweetie - but we do have one more new person..." and out walked Bebe, smiling with her arms out as if she had won some kind of grand prize.

"Bebe? The fuck are you doing here?" Cartman asked, his mother saying nothing but wagging her finger at his language - she wasn't strong enough at the moment to tell him not to do it, but she was determined not to let it go unresolved either. "You're really a Terrance & Phillip fan?" he asked, completely ignoring his mother in shock a girl from his school was here. The girls all hated the show he had been told.

"Yes, I love the show, ever since... season five, was it?" Bebe smiled, but the others all looked at each other as if they knew more about her than she did of herself, "I mean come on guys, Terrance & Phillip is the best, am I right?"

"Just let her in Cartman, dude, they have as much a right to do what they want with the characters as we do, even if all they do is write Terrance and Phillip farting, making out and touching each other's penises." Stan said, desperate for support to help Kyle.

"All right, fine. Bebe, you're in. Mr. Mackey, you actually like Terrance & Phillip? I thought you didn't even know who they were?" Cartman asked curiously, raising an eyebrow. All eyes were no on the school counselor rather than on Bebe, who was fine with this for once.

"I've been watching it for years, m'kay... it's just kind of embarassing, I'm a school counselor, I'm supposed to think the show is deplorable, m'kay... it's helped me through some rough times, when my father died, m'kay... I even met Ugly Bob himself at a convention in Toronto years ago... it's just something I don't like to talk about... but if the show's ending, m'kay, I'll come out. I don't want it to end. Ever."

"All right, friends, in this case, let's get to City Wok- I mean, uh, City Airlines and book ourselves a flight!" Cartman smirked as he left the podium and called up the stairs, "Maaaaaaaaaam!"

"Yes, hon?" came Liane Cartman's sweet, sugary voice as she looked down at her totally innocent son, who smiled up at her with that look most adults immediately knew was a sign of evil to come, "What is it, sweetie?" she asked him.

"Mam, me and my friends are going to Canada, will you drive us to City Airlines please? And come with and hold our bags and drinks and stuff?" Cartman asked as sweetly as he could, looking at his mother with that innocent smile that always seemed to win her over. Liane put a hand to her mouth, trying to resist, but this time unable to say no to her darling boy.

"All right, Eric, I'll drive you and your friends to City Wok... but I won't be carrying anyone's bags!" she said, wagging her finger angrily, trying to be reasonable. She was trying to learn to control her son, but she had a hard time giving a flat-out 'no' and after what happened at Best Buy, she wasn't sure she could do so anymore.

"Thank you, mammy." he said, smiling as his mother left to get her coat. He turned back to the others, "All right, friends, well, here's a box of Terrance and Phillip assorted T-shirts, get them on, and then we're off to Canada, okay? Since mam isn't coming, Butters, you'll be holding on to our bags, okay?"

xXx

Kenny sighed, hand on his cheek. He changed the channel for what felt like the hundredth time and instantly recognized the men on-screen as Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer sat on a couch arguing. He couldn't decide whether this show was genius or absolutely horrid - every time he thought it was one, something happened to remind him of the opposite. "I can't believe you slept with my girlfriend!"

"Well Alan, you know what they say, you snooze, you lose." Kutcher smirked, taking a swig of a beer bottle, cuing some laughter from the unseen live audience, "Besides, she could do better than you." he smirked. Kenny rolled his eyes - he hoped he wasn't that big of an ass when he grew up. Though he did hope to get as much pussy.

"You are such an ass. You're almost as bad as Charlie before he became an internet sensation..." Alan crossed his arms, sitting back. Kenny rolled his eyes - Alan was such an idiot. Now he remembered why he hated this show so much. Cue to a cutaway of Charlie Sheen himself, sitting in a chair at an interview with some woman Kenny instantly recognized but could not call the name of.

"I was bangin' seven gram rocks, that's how I roll - WINNING! Come on 'yall, I got Tiger blood! WINNING!"

"Are you bipolar?"

"I'm bi-winning! Win here, win there, win-win everywhere!"

Kenny was about to change the channel, feeling Two and a Half Men was best reserved for when he was cheesing his brains out, when Ashton leaped up off the couch, a woman walking up to him, "Alan Harper, you just got Punk'd! I didn't sleep with your girlfriend, man!" Alan looked furious, when suddenly a boy as tall as each of them with a deep voice walked by,

"Wow dad, way to make a big deal out of nothing." Yeah. Jake wasn't half as funny when he was an adult as he was when he was a ten-year-old. Kenny rolled his eyes and changed the channel.

xXx

Kyle Broflovski sat at his computer, typing quickly at the Cartoon Central Studios forums. He knew he had a great idea. It was totally perfect. The fact he had blatantly stolen it from Tweek was completely irrelevant. He finally typed his long, eloquent idea and pressed the 'send' button and proudly viewed his post. The idea was simple: get together as many Terrance & Phillip fans as possible to sign a petition, and when they had 500 signatures, the show could be renewed. It was perfect. And everyone would praise 69ing Chupmunks, the boy who saved Terrance & Phillip.

"Kyle, open this door." came Kyle's father's voice. His eyes widened and he shut off his computer monitor, knowing it would look off, then unlocked and opened his bedroom door. His father Gerald stood there, "Son, your mother's almost finished with dinner, you better wash up and get ready... you okay, Kyle?" he asked, suddenly crouching down, "You look tired."

"I-I'm fine, dad." Kyle lied. He'd barely been able to sleep last night, his mind filled constantly with images from the recent episode. He couldn't stand the idea of the show ending. He just couldn't. Perhaps it was juvenile to lose sleep over television but he couldn't help it - Terrance & Phillip were his idols.

"Well, all right. Go wash up." Gerald nodded, walking towards his bedroom and leaving his son alone. Kyle nodded and went to the bathroom, squirting some soap on his hands while thinking about what to do about his stories. Writing Terrance & Phillip fanfiction had always been a fond hobby of his, but he wasn't sure he could go on with his stuff if the show ended. Besides, he'd been hitting writer's block but now he could feel ideas rushing to his head all the time.

"Kyle, bubbe, dinner!" came Sheila's voice from the basement. Kyle dried his hands on the towel and turned his head toward the door,

"Coming mom!" he called as he finished, entered the hallway and walked downstairs for dinner.

xXx

Tuong Lu Kim stood behind the counter at City Wok, his treasured place of occupation, the restaraunt that belonged to him and his wife Wing and nobody else. He held the phone to his cheek, eyebrows narrow, "Shishter, whoa, whoa, it'sh okay, I didn't-a kiw nobody. Well, of cowse youw shon can wowk here, dere'sh a'waysh a job for another Chineshe man at Shitty Wok." he said as his door jingled. Cartman, Butters, Stan, Bebe, Ike, Mr. Mackey and Johnson entered, "I caw you back, customews here." he hung up, smiling and grabbing a notepad, "Welcome to Shitty Wok, canna take orda prease? Would you wike to twy our Shitty Kung Pow Sheecken?"

"Hello, Mr. Lu Kim, we're actually looking for the owner of Shitty Airlines." Cartman said as he approached the desk, looking at Lu Kim with a fake show of respect, though deep down he resented Lu Kim as much as he did anybody else in town. Cartman wore a T-shirt with Terrance and Phillip's faces on it along with the words 'ASS' and 'MASTER'.

"Oh, howd on jusht a minute." Lu Kim disappeared behind the counter then reappeared with an Airline Captain's hat on, "Shitty Airrine, take orda, prease?"

"Seven to Canada, please. Round trip." Cartman asked, putting an arm on the counter, "How much'll that be? A pretty penny, I'm guessing, eh?" he smirked, trying his best to barter. He knew Lu Kim was a sucker, but God help the man had one of his smart moments.

"Oooh, that'w be about..." Lu Kim began writing the numbers on his notepad, dropping the ten, carrying the one, subtracting, dividing, multiplying - he wasn't Jewish but he was Chinese, therefore he still had skill in the field of Math by rule of stereotypes, "Five thousand dorra."

"Oooh, we don't have that much... how about seven dorra?" Cartman asked with a challenging smirk.

"How about one thousand dorra?" Lu Kim narrowed his eyes.

"Eight dorra?"

"Five hundwed dorra!"

"Four dorra."

"Two hundwed dorra!"

"Tree fiddy."

"Sixty dorra!"

"Tree fiddy." Cartman repeated, standing by this one.

"Fine, twee fiddy then!" Lu Kim said as Cartman handed him $3.50, smirking evily. Lu Kim rubbed his palms together, "Never try-a barter with a Chinese man." Cartman and Lu Kim both smirked triumphantly, while the others exchanged nervous glances, leaving things to Cartman. As much as they hated him, he was a goodleader.

"Thank you, Mr. Lu Kim, we can't thank you enough for this valuable transporation. We need to be in Toronto as soon as possible, can you do that?" Cartman asked Lu Kim with hope. Lu Kim nodded, "We're going to Toronto so we can save the show Terrance & Phillip, you see." he explained.

"Ohhh, dash sho shweet." Lu Kim answered, "I get you thew by tomowow morning. Maybe I go with you." he explained, "One houw, then we go. Pack." Cartman nodded, and returned to the rest of his club.

"What did I tell you? I was successful, guys. Now we just need to wait an hour, then we get to go to Canada and save the show and finally Kyle will kick my ass for making all those Jew jokes again!" Cartman smirked, "Who's with me? Say Aye!"

"Aye!" Butters said cheerfully, looking around, "Well, uh, gee guys, aren't you all supposed to say 'Aye' too, I mean we all want to save Terrance and Phillip, right fellers?" he said nervously, putting his little fists together as Cartman rolled his eyes.

"...yeah, whatever Butters."

xXx

Kenny sighed as he switched to Animal Planet, the words FINDING BIGFOOT appearing on the screen. Now he had a bad feeling about this one... Kenny sighed as he saw the people appear on-screen, "We're totally gonna capture a Sasquatch, guys! We did everything scientifically perfect, you know? Everyone followed my orders. He's our's, just wait." Kenny rolled his eyes - it reminded him too much of Whale Wars. He quickly switched channels.

"Ray, did you remember to tell your parents to watch the kids today?" Patricia Heaton. Ah, Everybody Loves Raymond. Another stupid comedy that Kenny would one moment scratch his head at as if he'd missed the entire thing, then laugh at another moment later. Ray Barone entered the room looking quite scared, at least Kenny thought he did. As Ray spoke, he mouthed the same words,

"Of course I did, Debra, they're right on the way." And as soon as he said it, a ridiculously tall man, a short fat woman with curly blonde hair, and a balding old man entered - Ray's parents and brother. Ugh. And this is the part where Kenny loses interest in the show. "Oh, here they are."

"Raymond, are you sure you need us to watch the kids today?" said Ray's mother, Marie, the fat old woman with blonde hair, "Can't Debra do it?" she pleaded. Kenny rolled his eyes. This show was so predictable. He'd hate it save for one aspect-

"Yeah, how's Marie gonna cook me dinner if she's watching the damn kids?" said Frank, Ray's father and in Kenny's opinion, the only really entertaining aspect of the show. Regardless, he sure didn't feel like watching Raymond. He switched the channel again to what looked like a bunch of girls in front of a webcam.

"Hi, my name is Carly and welcome to my webshow, iCarly!" Kenny's eyes widened in fear, "Today we're going to boil fried eggs inside of this homeless guy's pants, and then Freddie and Spencer are going to have a dance competition! And then Victorious is on and you know you want to watch that!" Kenny raised an eyebrow, shook his head and changed the channel. Motherfucker. Why is there nothing good on television?

xXx

Clyde, Craig, Token, Jimmy, Tweek and Jason had arrived before class to discuss last night's new installment of Fatt Abbott, as was tradition. Craig and Clyde were putting some books away as the others spoke, Jimmy at the stand "So did you guys see the p-p-pah, the p-p-pah, the p-p-pah- the scene where Fat Abbott tells the guy from the p-p-p-pah, p-p-p-"

"Hey dudes!" Kyle Broflovski smiled at the others as he arrived as if he was a part of the ritual, "I was wondering if you guys'd help me out with something. See, I'm working on my Terrance & Phillip fanfiction series, and I totally have a creative rush, and I was thinking you guys, what if Celine started liking Phillip instead of Terrance?" he asked. Clyde closed his locker and raised an eyebrow. Craig completely ignored them and went about his business. Jason facepalmed.

"Well Kyle, I think that's a spl-splendid idea." Jimmy said, his friends exchanging odd glances. Why did Jimmy have to be so nice, couldn't he just tell Kyle to fuck off? "But I don't think it'd w-work. Celine clearly has an obsessive crush on Terrance, and it's unlikely she'd develop one on Ph-Phillip without her feelings first diminishing for Terrance. It's just not pl-pl-plausible."

"Oh, okay... what about you guys?" Kyle asked enthusiastically, totally sure his friends would give him the perfect input. Craig was in his locker, Clyde and Token exchanged nervous glances, Tweek twitched and Jason just didn't seem interested. "Guys?"

"Look Kyle, that's not really our thing. We don't do... fanfiction, okay?" Jason said, trying to be gentle, knowing if one of the other kids handled it they'd probably be, well to put it nicely, a lot less rough. Kyle raised an eyebrow, as if confused, and then Token stepped forward.

"Look, me and Jimmy have to get to the library to take some books out before class." he said, "We'll leave you guys alone for now." Token explained as he began walking, motioning for Jimmy to follow. Jimmy looked back before walking after him. Kyle was not suspicious at all of their behavior, despite noticing Jimmy's reluctance to go. He shrugged, but then turned to them.

"You guys wanna sign my petition? For more Terrance & Phillip episodes." he asked, smiling. Token nodded 'no' and went on, with Jimmy giving no sign. Jason, Clyde, and Tweek remained, exchanging nervous glances. Jason nodded simply and took the petition and quickly wrote his signature. "How about you, Clyde?" Clyde shrugged and did so, although in truth he felt Kyle was being goddamn annoying. "Tweek?"

"Nggh! Signing petitions is way too much pressure, man!" Tweek panicked, twitching and looking around as if being watched before snatching the paper signing it, tossing it to Kyle, and running off to class, twitcihng along merrily. Clyde and Jason shrugged as Craig's locker door snapped shut.

"Thanks you guys." Kyle nodded, "See you later." Clyde and Jason began walking to class, leaving Kyle alone with Craig, he approached Craig carefully, and then cleared his throat, "So Craig, what would you think if Ugly Bob got multiple personality disorder and Scott the Dick started a-"

"Look Kyle, I won't butter you up. I really don't care. At all. Besides, Red Racer is a much better show than your precious Terrance & Phillip show, and if you're that desperate for new episodes, a petition won't work. They won't even look at it, okay. So stop wasting your time and accept next week is the last episode." Craig said as he walked off towards class, leaving Kyle speechless.

xXx

"Hey Frank," said Doug the Cartoon Central security guard, a young Canadian man in his prime with well-combed black hair "How about them Maple Leafs, eh?" he asked with a laugh. Frank raised an eyebrow, holding a coffee, "What a bunch of jokers. Can't even use the right name. It's leaves, not leafs. The Sens use proper grammar at least, heh."

"Doug, you're an ass, you know that?" replied Frank, who glared at his companian. He was quite sick of his friend annoying him, but before he could continue, there was a loud pop a few feet away, "Did you hear that?" Doug nodded, fear evident, "We better go see what it was, it sounded like a bomb." the two security guars ran off to investigate the small explosion - allowing perfect access for Cartman, Stan, Butters, Bebe, Ike, Johnson, Mr. Mackey and Lu Kim into the lot.

"Good job on the fireworks, Stan." Cartman nodded with a smirk, noting Stan's knowledge of weapons, explosives and fireworks was a useful asset - and hopefully would continue to be so. "Now we need to find a way into the actual headquarters building since we've passed the guards. Any ideas?"

"Hey, what are you doing back here?" said a Canadian guard who approached them, this one looking somewhat old with a wrinkled face and a gray combover. As the others stepped back, Ike moved forward and looked up at the guard. "Oh my God, I'm really sorry, buddeh, I didn't realize they were with you." the guard moved aside and let them in, "Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet a real Canadian Knight, eh."

"Why thank you Ike. You, Stan, and City Wok Guy have proven you usefulness already... Butters, Mackey, Johnson, Bebe, still waiting on you guys." Cartman glared. Bebe flipped Cartman off with annoyance he was treating them like tools. They looked inside the studio and saw a plaque listing who's filming where. Lu Kim quickly ran up to it.

"Ret me shee that! Shtage eight! Terrish and Phirrip!" he said triumphantly, the others following as they ran toward the eighth stage. They stopped in front of the door, smirking. They had made it. All they had to do now was go in, speak with Terrance and Phillip and-

"Wait... this is too easy." Johnson said, "Sure, we got rid of the security guards, but there's always something else. It's not this easy to just get in. There has to be something else nearby, waiting to ambush us." he explained, turning around. Cartman raised an eyebrow, making a note Johnson was more intelligent than he suspected, "I mean it's like the Mayor. Do you know how hard she is to protect?"

"Well, well, you're right. There is something else." The group tourned to see Scott the Giant Dick, holding a large rifle - though he was large enough to hold it in one hand like a pistol. He glared down at them from over the studio, and everyone backed away in fear.

"It's Scott!" Ike called out in fear, hiding behind Stan, who raised an eyebrow. Godammit, why was he supposed to be the one to protect him?

"He's a dick!" Butters said in fear, putting his hands over his mouth.

"And then he got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now he's a Giant Dick!" Bebe said, also moving behind Stan, who was getting kind of sick of people expecting him to protect them.

"Shut up! You filthy Americans think you're some kind of stupid World Police, trying to take over the world, eh? Well you aren't laying one of your grimy round fingers on our precious Canadian soil! If there's one thing I hate more than Native Canadian First Nations, it's fucking American scum!"

"Scott, please, m'kay, you have to let us through!" Mr. Mackey said, trying to appeal to his inner pain, "I know it's hard being, you know, a dick, m'kay, but I want to try something with you called a mind meld, m'kay, and then we can work together to discover your inner pain and better yourself as a person. Do you understand Mr. Giant Dick, m'kay?"

"I know it's just a trick! You just want to hurt Terrance & Phillip and you're trying to distract me!" Scott turned around, crossing his arms. "Hurting them is my job!" he said angrily. While he looked away, the others moved through the doors, leaving Mackey alone with Scott. Mackey stepped forward.

"M'kay, I'm going to tap into your subconcious, Scott." Mackey said, putting a hand on one of Scott's feet - a connection was "Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay? Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind..."

xXx

Kenny sat on the couch, eyes wide and half-asleep, checking Fox now. He'd been through what felt like a million channels. His eyes widened when he saw someone flip him off, but he realized it was an L. Glee? What the fuck is that? A bunch of teenagers walked in a hallway on the screen - one in particular with black hair and a big smile walked out, "Hey guys! So how do I look?"

"Kurt, could you possibly be any more gay?" said a large kid who rolled his eyes and left. Next to him was a girl with long black hair in a cheerleading outfit who began making out with a blonde-haired girl in a similar outfit. Kenny could get used to do this! A kid in a wheelchair with cartoonish glasses rolled up,

"Room for one more?" Kenny raised an eyebrow. Well, it had lesbians - that made it already ten times more entertaining than anything else. Then suddenly from behind a corner of the wall appeared a blonde-haired woman with a snarl, rubbing her hands together in a way that reminded Kenny of Tuong Lu Kim.

"I'll get you, Glee Club, or my name isn't Sue Sylvester!" she said before disappearing. Kenny quickly changed the channel but made a note to keep an eye on that show, switching now to some kind of orange mutant pig with some very tall hair, screaming loudly. Kenny dropped the remote in shock then ran to the floor to find it as he heard it scream some kind of shrill cry he could barely decipher.

"NYAAAH! SNOOKI WANT SMOOSH-SMOOSH!" Kenny finally found the remote under the table, grabbed it and quickly changed the channel with a smirk, seeing a man in a hospital bed who looked an awful lot like he was dying. The fuck? He was supposed to enjoy this? This shit looked depressing.

"I'll find a cure, dammit. I always find a cure, or whatever the problem is. Watson! Watson! Where's Watson?" asked a man who looked very British in Kenny's opinion, who seemed to be some kind of Doctor. Another doctor moved up, this one looking fairly normal, "There you are Watson!"

"My name is Wilson." he replied, "And you're not Sherlock Holmes, you're Dr. Gregory House. We've been over this before." he said with annoyance. "Now, what's the patient suffering from? Any ideas?" he asked, looking at a clipboard.

"We don't know. We never know. We didn't know last week, we don't know this week! We won't know next week, either!" House said, "We'll figure it out though, just like we did next week, and just like we will next week. Assuming nobody kills themselves on us again." Kenny switched the channel. For a moment he saw what looked like a nude man on top of a nude woman releasing his bowels on top of her stomach before the same show cut to two boys.

"Simon, you are a panty-sniffer!" said a boy with curly hair whom Kenny could swear he'd seen somewhere before. Oh, what was his name... "You're a melon-fucker." Nathan said, "You're a butt pirate, and a rump ranger, but most of all, you're a goddamn dirty melon-fucker." he said proudly, one hand on his hip. Simon simply rolled his eyes and suddenly disappeared. "I know you're still there you, scrotum licker!"

"No, I'm in the other room now." came a bodyless voice and Nathan crossed his arms. The door soon rang and in entered a man who looked much older who looked fairly angry. There was a cut to a nude woman playing with legoes on top of a nude man who was peeing on the ceiling, then back to the show. The man crossed his arms as Nathan backed away with a glare,

"Nathan, this is your probation officer, it's time to-" BANG BANG. The probation officer fell dead and Nathan stood smirking and holding a knife. He quickly pocketed it, and whistled merrily along. Kenny was just about to change the channel when he saw another shot of the nude couple, this time the woman was massaging a penguin while the man was underneath her doing curl-ups. Then the show came back.

"Well, I guess I'll just watch TV." Nathan sat down with a chocolate bar, then his eyes widened, "I should not have put the knife in my fucking back pocket." he said as he fell over on the couch dead, dropping his chocolate bar. As if by thin air, someone picked it up and soon a piece of it disappeared. And another piece. And suddenly Nathan stood up, "Simon, you dick!" Kenny's eyes widened, astonished - perhaps he was not the only one.

xXx

"So, what do you think aboot the new show ideas? My favorite is the one is aboot a filthy American-Canadian immigrant and an intelligent Canadian man trying to live together in Vancouver. I was thinking we could get Bryan Adams to play the Canadian man. Sounds good, eh, guy?" said a Canadian man with gray hair, complete with combover. He also wore a very dark suit.

"Don't call me your guy, friend." replied the Canadian man next to him, a large man in overalls with a red tie, a mustache, a large cigar and gray hair, "I like the ideas, sir, but I need to speak with Cartoon Central's CEO before we at the Canada Channel buy a thing. After the Queef Sisters/Terrance & Phillip debacle in April, I want to make sure we get this one right, guy." he replied.

"Sir! Sir!" approached Butters Stotch, his eyes squinted and a pencil line drawn from the edges of his mouth around his head. He cleared his throat and attempted a Canadian accent, "You're the Head of Cartoon Central, right, eh? You're the guy who's... aboot... controlling the Terrance & Phillip show?"

"Oh no, no, I work for the Canada Channel, we just broadcast the show, but you are at the right place. This is Cartoon Central Studios, where Terrance & Phillip is produced. You must be an intern, huh? My name's Brian. Anyway, Terrance & Phillip is filmed pretty close, but if you want to speak with the CEO he's just right this way..." Brian said, but the other man stopped him.

"No, Brian, this kid is just an intern after all, are you sure the CEO would be willing to see him? You know how he gets aboot how valuable his time is..." the man with the combover said, a hand on Brian's shoulders. Brian looked down to Butters. "He's just a boy..."

"Kid, what exactly do you wish to speak to the CEO aboot?" Brian asked, raising an eyebrow and looking down at Butters. He squinted his eyes a bit more and put his hands together nervously. He didn't want to be caught so easily, "Well?"

"Gee, sir, I just wanted to talk to him about, uh, un-cancelling the Terrance & Phillip show. You see, uh, the merchandising reports, uh, have been way up this week with the show coming to an end and all, and we think if we lengthen it just a bit more, we might be able to milk the cash cow we have going and get a 25% increase in Terrance & Phillip related revenue."

"Oh, why the CEO will be glad to hear aboot that." Brian said, leading Butters to a room entitled 'CEO's Office' - there was a waiting room stylized outside, complete with chairs and magazines "He has an appointment right now, you can just wait out here and read a magazine or something, kid. And hey, kid? Good luck." Brian and the other Canadian left.

"Excellent job, Butters!" Cartman smiled, walking out with the other members of the group, "I'm proud of you, it looks like just a little bit of my manipulative genius rubbed off on to you." he smirked, "All right, now let's give this CEO hell, huh?" he smirked, picking up a magazine, "Motherfucker, all they have is Canada magazine?"

"Awh, gee thanks Eric... yeah that's all they have. Lots of copies though, everyone can find something to enjoy I'm sure." Butters smiled.

"Butters, you are such a faggot, dude." Stan rolled his eyes as he searched the magazine for an article that was even vaguely interesting, choosing to devote his time to some article about the censored "Mystery at Lazy J. Ranch" episode of Terrance & Phillip.

xXx

Kyle triumphantly left school holding his notebook - he had already gotten fifty signatures for his petition from pretty much every male student of any grade besides Craig. He also had pages upon pages of story ideas and fragments - he was proud of himself. Even if Terrance & Phillip ended, he could go on with his fanfics and storylines. The blow no longer hurt, the depression was over. He smiled when he spotted Gary Harrison, realizing he hadn't gotten a signature from him, "Hey Gary! Dude!"

"Oh, hello Kyle. What do you want?" he asked with a smile. Gary was glad Kyle had decided to speak with him, it felt like years since any of the other boys in class had spoken with him, besides those two kids who kept insisting he was a homosexual ever since he transferred into Mr. Thompson's class.

"Would you please sign my petition to get Terrance & Phillip back on the air? I got all the other guys' signatures besides you, Craig, Damien and those Vampire kids who hang out behind the school." Kyle asked, smiling and holding out the petition and a pen.

"Oh, sure. You already have a lot of signatures, and even though I don't watch this show I really hope it goes back on the air so you can be happy." Gary said, signing the petition quickly with handwriting that put most other children's to shame, "What's your target?"

"I have around fifty-one signatures and I need... about ten thousand. The show averages two million viewers an episode, so ten thousand is about five percent if my Math is right."

"Wow, dude, ten thousand signatures? That's an awful lot! When's your deadline?" Gary asked hopefully, really hoping his friend's petition worked out in his favor so that all would be well and fine and dandy for him. He really thought Kyle was cool and deserved to be happy.

"...Wednesday at Nine." Kyle answered right off his head. New episodes of Terrance & Phillip aired every Wednesday on the Canada Channel at 9pm, fourteen episodes were made a year and in two halves, one airing during spring and the other in the fall.

"I really hope you can get enough signatures in time, but you're probably going to need some help to get that many. How about we recruit some other kids to help? I can probably get my family to sign it." Gary smiled. Kyle smiled as well,

"Really? Good idea, dude. Clyde and Jimmy already told me at lunch they'd try to help me around, and that Dogpoo kid agreed to help, too, he seems to know everybody." Kyle nodded, "Anyone else you know who can help, dude?"

"Oh yeah, I know the perfect person to spread the news around, don't worry a thing, Kyle." Gary smiled, "Just photocopy the list and drop it off at my house later, okay? And I'll handle it from there. Oh, and give Clyde and Jimmy copies so nobody gets duplicates."

"Thanks, Gary... wow, you're actually a really cool kid, you know that?" Kyle smiled, "See you later!" he called as Gary nodded and began walking home, while Kyle sped off to see who else he could grab before everyone went home for the day.

xXx

"Well, well, well, you greedy American corporate slimeballs have come all the way to Canada to speak with me. It's been a long time." came a confident voice. He dipped a frosted donut with sprinkles into his coffee, then took a bite, his feet on his desk, not a care in the world in his look or voice, "What do you want?"

"Look, sir, you're in charge of the Studio, and we know Terrance & Phillip is going off-air after the next episode and we were really hoping you'd help us out and un-cancel the show." Stan said, sitting across from the Canadian man behind the desk.

"Un-cancel it? You? Why should I do anything for you greedy bastards? All you Americans want is for your big, royal empire to rule the world, and you want to go after Canada next. You think we don't know? We Canadians have known of your plans for decades. And we're sick of being abused - one day, Canada will be a world power and you Americans will grovel at our knees!"

"Uhhh, no, we don't want to take over Canada, we just want our TV show back on the air, sir." Stan replied simply, annoyed with the man's behavior, "I mean you own the Studio, you can tell them what to do can't you?"

"Me? Tell Terrance and Phillip what to do? I don't think you understand, kid. Terrance and Phillip are the heart of the Canadian economy. Nobody owns them - they call the shots creatively. We can't even censor them anymore. After the 200th episode, did you see the riots? If they want to end the show, it's their decision, not mine. Because trust me, I'd have ended the show the moment I entered this office if I could have. I hate Terrance and Phillip more than most Canadians do."

"We understand, Mr. Abootman, but please, we need this show back. This has been a big part of our lives. Some of us have grown up with this show." Stan looked toward Cartman and Butters, "Some of us just need it to unwind after work..." he motioned toward Mr. Johnson and Mr. Lu Kim, "Some of us just understand it's important to a lot of people." he nodded to Ike, "And some of us... some of us are just kind of creepy." Bebe waved.

Stephen Abootman narrowed his eyes as he took another donut, "Look, you want to see your gay little show back, go talk to Terrance and Phillip, kids. You've come this far, a little extra walking'll do you slimy Americans some good. Maybe now you won't be so fat, eh?"

"What!?" Cartman said angrily, moving Stan out of the way and taking the chair, "I will have you know sir, that I am not fat, I am big boned! Do you understand me?"

"Eric, be careful, that Mr. Abootman guy is kinda scary..." Butters pounded his little fists together, "I don't think he's dangerous but jeez Eric, if you're gonna get hurt I'd rather it be fat-"

"Shut up Butters, goddamn, was I talking to you?" Cartman yelled, turning back to Mr. Abootman, "Fine then. We'll go see Terrance and Phillip and you bet your sqwah Canadian ass that we will get the show un-cancelled if my name is not Eric Theodore Cartman!" Cartman hopped down and ran out, the others following.

"...well, at least it's better than being stuck on an iceberg in Newfoundland." shrugged Abootman as he sat back and took a sip of his coffee.

xXx

Kyle never thought he would willingly seek out Goth Kids, but here he was walking behind the school inhaling toxic smoke fumes. He let out a cough as he saw four figures in the smoke, "Oh no, another conformist has come to join us, huh?" came the voice of the Tall Goth, Michael, taking a long drag from his cigarette, "They think they can just walk in and out of our lives at will. Just like my mother."

"Conformist nazi cheerleader." Kindergoth, Firkle, took a long drag from his own cigarette, "What do you want?" he asked.

"Oh! I was hoping you guys would help sign my petition to bring Terrance and Phillip back on the air. I know I don't really talk to you much but it really means a lot to me." Kyle held out a pen and the petition. They each rolled their eyes in turn.

Henrietta rolled her eyes and looked toward her fellow Goths, "Pagan, Sparrow, Razor, can you believe this conformist douche thinks we care how important it is to him?" Apparenty, like Stan had assumed the name of Raven, all of the Goths had assumed special Goth titles.

"I know, Wednesday, it's just fucking sad. Why don't you go back to watching your Disney Channel crap instead of bothering us, loser?" replied Pagan, the Tall Goth. "God, you're worse than my sister, stupid bitch never shuts up about the fucking Jonas Brothers..."

"Yeah, Pagan's right, you're annoying." Sparrow flicked hair out of his face, "Why don't you go ask the other Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears wannabes for fucking signatures, huh? We have better things to do like listen to death metal music and perform Satanic rituals and shit."

"Yeah, go back to all your friends, poser." Wednesday replied, taking a long drag from her cigarette as well. Why did conformists always have to bother them? Can't people just leave them to be miserable? Fucking posers. Another drag.

"And what continue worship that lousy Cthulhu for the rest of your lives?" Kyle said, narrowing his eyes, getting annoyed with their attitudes, "Look guys, I have no issue with your vampire, emo or whatever lifestyle, I just want your help with something, okay?"

"You did not just fucking call us Vampires." Once again, Sparrow found himself flicking hair out from the front of his face, "Can you guys believe this conformist prick?" he turned to his friends, then looked at Kyle "God, get out of our hangout!" he said, flicking hair from his face again. He really wanted to just go to Benny's or the Village Inn and get some coffee. Stupid Justin Bieber wannabe.

Pagan stepped forward, putting down his cane and looking to his friends, if one could use that term to describe the miserable companianship the Goth children shared, "Imagine it though... if Terrance & Phillip disappear the Disney Channel wins again..." he said quietly before taking a long drag.

"He's right." came Razor, going up to Kyle and quickly signing the petition. If he had to sit through one more episode of fucking Sonny With a Chance he might really kill himself. Sparrow and Wednesday looked at each other as Pagan stepped forward and took the paper. "Go on."

"You think just because you bought out Marvel you're invincible Disney Channel, but fuck you. This is for the fucking Marvel Civil War you sons of bitches." Pagan signed it angrily, writing Michael Andrews in curly black cursive handwriting below Razor's name, completely ignoring the fact the Civil War was before Disney's acquisition. Pagan and Razor looked back, but Sparrow and Henrietta both seemed apprehensive about their situation. "Aren't you going to sign it?"

"Yeah, fine..." Sparrow flicked hair out of his eyes, stepped forward and wrote up his name as well, "Let's hope his works. I'd rather watch two Canadians fart for half an hour then thirty minutes of that bitch Selena Gomez oinkin' around with a magic wand." he said. Wednesday still looked troubled, "Come on, just sign it already."

"Okay, okay..." Henrietta said, mumbling something virtually inaudible as she signed her own name before giving the paper to Kyle, "Now get the fuck out of here you stupid... uh... Leonardo DiCaprio wannabe! Go back to... solving... dreams within dreams and... stuff!" Henrietta said, spitting. Kyle shrugged, just happy he got his signatures and skipping off straight-ly.

"...well, he's not the least pleasant poser to come back here and bother us." pointed out Sparrow, flicking the hair out of his face. His fellow Goths looked at him oddly as Sparrow took a long drag, "What?"

"Dude, don't get all faggy on us." Pagan replied, pointing his cane toward Sparrow with a look of dicipline, the kind the leader of a pack of wolves would give to one of his followers. Sparrow didn't like that look one bit.

"I'm not, God, you sound just like my father." Sparrow said, rolling his eyes, taking a drag "...my cig's dead. Anyone got a light?"

xXx

"Dammit Celine, you need to understand, I can't live without you!" Ugly Bob said, in his usual 'b' shirt with a coat over it and his trademark paper bag, arms crossed, the singer feet behind him. Celine Dion looked down, "You're the only woman I've ever cared aboot, even if you are my friend's ex-wife."

"I'm not your friend, buddeh!" piped in Terrance, entering into the doorway with a look of rage, "What the hell do you think you're doing to my ex-wife, buddeh? I'm gettin' pretty sick of you, Bob! Nobody likes you! You're ugly and you smell!"

"Eh, I'm not you buddeh, guy!" Ugly Bob said, eyes narrowing as he approached Terrance before seemingly returning to normal, "What are you doing here, Terrance? I need to speak with Celine, alone. You can keep Sally. I just want Celine, Terrance."

"Cut!" came the angry voice of Phillip Argyle, walking up on to the set in a beret and holding a script, "What was that? Terrance, you messed up your lines again!" he said, "I stayed up all week writing the lines for this episode, it has to be perfect, okay? I am not losing this episode. I was up til seven in the morning on Wednesday writing this, and we started rolling at nine in the morning Thursday!"

"Stop right there, Terrance and Phillip!" Phillip, Terrance, Ugly Bob, Celine Dion, Sally Dion, and the Queef Sisters turned around to face Cartman, Stan, Bebe, Tuong Lu Kim, and Johnson. Cartman stood front and center, "This show isn't going goddamn anywhere! Don't try calling your security guards, we have them distracted."

xXx

"Uhhh... oh darn how did it go again..." Butters Stotch said, trying to remember what his good buddy Eric told him, "Oh, right... uhh, I will do the German dance for you it's fun and gay and tra-la-la, hope you will enjoy my dance, feedly-I, feedly-I, eh!" he skipped merrily along. "Uh come on, everybody now!" he said, smiling The security guards gathered around. "Would you like some sauwer kraut-" Butters began, raising his arms as the guards joined hands and sang along, "German boy! German boy!" Butters motioned to Ike.

"Yes, I'd like some sauwer kraut, boy I'm hungry!"

xXx

"Dammit, a bunch of kids got in? The fuck?" Phillip said, looking to his co-stars, "Look kids, you have to understand it, we've been working on Terrance & Phillip for fifteen years. Do you know what that's like? Building your entire life around a TV show? I'm almost forty-two years old! I was twenty-seven when we began making these! Terrance and Katie have children, not to mention poor Sally keeps getting kidnapped by Iraqis."

"But we love your show! What will we do on Wednesday nights from now on without a nightly dose of clever satire? When I was a boy I'd watch your show all the time, and it... helped me make sense of the world in a way no person could. It helped me understand all those big words and current events. I've been watching Terrance & Phillip since it began in August 1997..."

"Welcome to our world." Katherine Queef rolled her eyes as she filed her nails sitting in a chair while her husband and family filmed their episode. She had been watching it for the same period of time and look at her now - she and her sister could support their own show, not to mention were married to Terrance and Phillip themselves.

"Look kids, we can't keep doing this much longer. I mean don't you realize... it's just the same shit over and over, and then in a week it just all resets until it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way, but it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous." Terrance explained, looking to Phillip, "We're getting older, boys. We've finished over half our lives now. I have a wife and children, a family to spend time with." Katie put a hand on her husband's shoulder, "I can't just sit on my ass here and keep working on a show I don't even like anymore."

"Kids, you have to accept we've grown up. We can't just make jokes about Saddam Hussein and farts and stuff every week for the rest of our lives." Phillip said, "We wish we could continue but... I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left, and I want to enjoy it." he explained, turning away. The group looked around at each other. "I can't fake it anymore."

"I... never rearry tought of it that ray..." Tuong Lu Kim said, looking both ways, "Aw crap, we should get back to the hericopter, kids..." he sighed. Stan, Cartman and Bebe looked up. But they had come this far, they couldn't give up now...

"People grow older, kids. People grow apart." Phillip sighed. There was suddenly a loud ringing and there were glares as Stan checked his phone to see a text from Kyle: dude i have 96 signatures u think that's enough? Stan sighed and texted back: no. it has to end. Stan stepped forward and drew his breath,

"You know what? I learned something today. Sure, maybe our favorite TV show is coming to an end. But maybe... maybe we just need to accept that fact and instead of wallowing in pity and worrying about the show reaching it's final episodes, we should be celebrating it. We should be enjoying what's left of the end and remember all the great times we shared with it instead of just hoping it's all a lie that it's ending. Nothing lasts forever, you know, all good things must come to an end... we should be glad the show's at least going out with a bang."

"...yeah, Stan's right. I'm sorry Terrance and Phillip for breaking into your studio to get your show back on the air." Cartman sighed, pushing Bebe forward, who glared. "Come on bitch, you have to apologize to!" Bebe crossed her arms, "Bitch, say you're fuckin' sorry."

"...I'm sorry Terrance and Phillip." Bebe asked smirking when Cartman smacked her over the head, "Ow! That fucking hurt, Cartman!" Bebe said grabbing Cartman's cap and tearing at his hair as he grabbed her and tossed her away.

"Fuck you Bebe, you're a stupid bitch." Cartman rolled his eyes and turned away, "All right, assholes, looks like we're heading back out."

xXx

"Now Scott, I think we've made a lot of progress, m'kay. Now you understand if you keep being a Giant Dick, people will keep treating you like one, but I think if you be nicer to people, in time they'll stop calling you Scott the Giant Dick, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey smiled, patting Scott, who stood up. "I think this was a success, m'kay. Now to go get Terrance and Phillip un-cancelled-" Cartman stood there,

"Mackey! There you are! It's off. We're going home. City Wok Guy is giving us a lift back home on City Airlines. Come on." Cartman motioned for Mackey to follow him. Stan, Butters, Lu Kim, Johnson, Bebe and Ike followed down the path toward the helicopter. Parking it in the middle of Toronto wasn't the best of ideas, but it happened.

"We should meet in a week to discuss the new episode." Stan suggested, "And we can invite Kyle and Kenny, I'm sure they'll be feeling better by then. Kyle texted me earlier, he got ninety-six signatures for people who want Terrance & Phillip back on the air."

"Impressive, Jewboy's learning real people skills." Cartman said as they reached the HeliPad, "Okay Mr. J- Lu Kim, do your stuff." he said as everyone gathered around, and Mr. Lu Kim nodded as he began preparing the helicopter for lift off. "Hm, that's odd, do you guys hear something?" they all turned around to see a Canadian man in a trenchcoat and a paper bag approach,

"Hey fellas, look, you're going to America, right? I want to come with you. I'm sick of Canada. Everyone here hates me because I'm hideously ugly, at least down in America, people just think I look Canadian. I've filmed my last scenes for those guys. Please let me come with you!" Ugly Bob begged.

"...ugh, Mr. Lu Kim do we have room for another passenger?"

"Wew, we arready hava poofbaw kid in big-head man's rap, and bronde kid in aides man's rap, and then-a you and-a Canadian boy in girl's rap, so if-a Canadian boy sits rith aides man and you and-a girl sit rith Ugry Bob I think we can-a make this work."

xXx

Every week the kids rotated their viewing parties between Cartman's, Kyle's and Stan's homes - Kenny was too poor and if Butters used the living room TV he would be grounded. So the kids gathered on Stan's couch with popcorn and soda for the final episode of the show they'd seen their whole lives. Stan had explained to their parents why this night was so important, and Sharon, being the doting and understanding mother she is, took care of everything: Randy and Grampa were at a baseball game and Shelly was at a friend's house.

For the occasion, they'd chosen to dress up in costumes - Stan put on his red Terrance shirt and his black hair was fine for the role - a simple costume. Kyle couldn't cut his hair, so he tied some yellow fuzz on top of his hat and put on his blue Phillip shirt. He wasn't quite satisfied but anything more and he'd be in deep shit. Kenny borrowed one of his father's coats, one of Kyle's Ugly Bob shirts and a paper bag to cover his face. Cartman used a bald cap and a brown Scott shirt with a red tie to achieve Scott the Giant Dick's look (and as Kyle claimed he was fat enough to pass for 'giant') and finally Butters bought a plastic Saddam mask at the dollar store.

"I can't believe you guys went all the way to Terrance and Phillip themselves just for me..." Kyle said quietly, "We can't force them to keep going but hey, I'm sure this episode'll be a hit. Number fifteen-fourteen... just a few minutes left. And then we never do this again..." Kyle let out a small sigh.

"We can still do it every now and then and just, you know, watch DVD's or something. Just 'cuz the show's over doesn't mean we can't rewatch the old stuff and appreciate it for what it was. You know, nostalgia and all that stuff." Stan said.

"Hey Kyle... Kyle..." Cartman nudged him, Kyle looked to Cartman, "Kyle, I... I just want you to know... umm..." Cartman laughed, "Okay no, seriously though - how do you know if a Jew lives next door?" Kyle raised an eyebrow, "There's used toliet paper drying on the laundry line." Cartman's belching laugh was silenced by a slap to the face by Kyle, who glared, "I'm glad you're back to normal, Jewboy."

"Eric, I don't understand, w-why would a Jewish person put toliet paper out to dry? I-I mean if it's used then it's got poo smeared all over it and it's all smelly and golly, that'd be kind of disgusting..." Butters pounded his little fists together, confused.

"Shut up Butters." Cartman said, rolling his eyes at the blonde's stupidity. He made a hell of a good lackey for Cartman's weekly get-rich-quick schemes but Butters wasn't useful for much else. Cartman opened his mouth to speak but Kenny rose,

"It's starting!" came his unmuffled, high-pitched voice. Kenny pointed toward the screen as the kids all looked forward...

xXx

"Phillip... you have cancer?" Terrance said in astonishment, "That reminds me of a joke! Say, Phillip?" there was a pause, "Say Phillip? Phillip?"

"I can't do this anymore, Terrance. This cancer prevents me from ever farting again. And now because of this, I can't even find fart jokes funny anymore. Look Terrance..." Phillip took his friend aside, "Take Sally with you and Katie. You need to spend time with you family. Let Celine go. Appreciate your family while you have it..."

"I don't know what you're talking aboot Phillip, everything's fine. We'll sign you up for chemotherapy." Terrance let loose a fart, "Hahaha!" Phillip did not laugh, "Wow Phillip, you're a real buzzkill now. Can't you at least pretend to find it funny?"

"I can't do this anymore, Terrance, don't you understand? How can I find fart jokes funny if I can't fart? The methane buildup in my ass from the tumor is going to kill me in a mere week! I'm unhappy! I'm going to die and I can't even enjoy my last seven days! Can't you understand? The thing that brought us together is dead to me!"

"...fart jokes are dead to you...?" Terrance said, stepping forward, "Phillip, you're starting to sound like Scott... oh no, you... you've got something far worse than cancer my friend." Phillip raised an eyebrow, "I think... I think you're starting to become a dick."

"Fuck you, no I'm not!" Phillip yelled before covering his mouth, "Oh no..." Phillip turned around, "This can't be happening! Terrance, I-" Phillip's eyes widened as he looked to see Terrance, but he didn't see Terrance. All he saw was a giant tumor, "No... the cancer... Terrance? Terrance!? Where are you? All I see is... Terrance, is that giant tumor you?"

"Oh no, I've heard of this. You're one of those patients who gets so worried all you can think of is the cancer and stop thinking about everything else! You're becoming a dick, Phillip! A colossal, cancer-infected dick!" Terrance backed away in fear, leaving, "Goodbye, Phillip! Take your cancer somewhere else!"

"I can't watch. I'm going home!" Celine Dion suddenly said, taking her daughter's hand and leaving, "If you want to see me or your daughter Terrance, you'll have to come to my house!" Celine left the hospital, Terrance looking back. Ugly Bob got up and left as well. Terrance, Phillip and their wives were now alone.

"Phillip, please, it's going to be okay!" Katherine pleaded, but he looked away, pushing her away from him, "Phillip, look at me! I'm your wife! I love you!"

"I can't. Everywhere I see it's just... cancer. I can't stop thinking about it. Terrance is cancer, you're cancer, even my feet are giant tumors off of an even bigger tumor! I can't live like this! I can't spend the rest of my life dying!"

"I can't spend the rest of my life dying, either... " Katherine said, "Look Phillip, I love you, I really do, but I can't stand to see you like this. Look, we can try chemo. And even if you lose all your hair, we can buy you some time. And if it does work you can fart in Scott's face. How's that sound?" There was a loud quiff. "Oh, I queefed!"

"Just now?" Katherine nodded to her husband, "Awh, sick!"

xXx

"Sally, why don't you upstairs and play with your blocks?" Celine said as Sally nodded and dashed upstairs. The singer sighed - despite her wealth and fame, she couldn't buy back her family and happiness. She heard a knock and got up and answered the door to see Ugly Bob in his usual 'b' shirt with a coat over it and his trademark paper bag. "Ugly Bob?"

"Hello Celine. Can I speak with you?" Bob asked quietly. Celine sighed and allowed him in, Bob sitting down on the couch as Celine closed the door. She went over and sat next to him, "Look Celine, I've been meaning to talk to you for a long time. I know we haven't seen each other since the abortion..."

"Don't mention that!" Celine said defensively, rising up. "Look Ugly Bob, we had one special night together but I don't really like you, like that, all right? You lied to me and told me you were handsome."

"Dammit Celine, you need to understand, I can't live without you!" Ugly Bob said, rising and crossing his arms. Celine looked down, "You're the only woman I've ever cared aboot, even if you are my friend's ex-wife."

"I'm not your friend, buddeh!" piped in Terrance, entering into the doorway with a look of rage, "What the hell do you think you're doing to my ex-wife, buddeh? Because I'm not gettin' with her so quick you think you're gonna take her, eh? I'm gettin' pretty sick of you, Bob! Nobody likes you! You're ugly and you smell!"

"Eh, I'm not you buddeh, guy!" Ugly Bob said, eyes narrowing as he approached Terrance before seemingly returning to normal, "What are you doing here, Terrance? I need to speak with Celine, alone. You can keep Sally. I just want Celine, Terrance." Bob pleaded but Terrance glared back.

"No, Ugly Bob. Celine doesn't want to be with you! Leave her alone!" Terrance said, looking toward him, "If you don't leave here within five minutes, I'll personally kick you out. Go home and eat some kroff dinner or something you ugly son of a bitch!" Terrance said before farting loudly and giggling with Bob and Celine at how incredibly hilarious and random that fart was.

"Fine. You won't have ol' Ugly Bob to kick around anymore..." Ugly Bob sighed as he left, Terrance closing the door and turning to Celine. Celine sighed, feeling bad for Ugly Bob - he truly loved her, it wasn't fair was it? But she could not return that love - he had to go.

"Celine, look, I love Sally, but I can't get back together with you. I'm in love with Katie now. We had our time together and it was great but... that part of my life is over. Look, I'm going to be straightforward. I want custody of Sally. I want me and Katie to be her legal guardians." Terrance asked quietly, hands on the table.

"Terrance... you know I can't agree to that." Celine said, a serious tone in her otherwise high-pitched voice, "Sally needs your love and support but I can't let her go. She's still my daughter, Terrance. I can't just abandon her like that."

"Well then... I'll be seeing you in court." Terrance rose up, "If you won't hand over Sally fair and square, me and Katie will take your issue with it! We're both rich families so it's not like anyone's going to lose a whole lot of money over it. Good night, woman!" Terrance left, and Celine put her face down and cried erratically.

xXx

"What a mess our lives turned out to be..."

Phillip stood in a hospital gown within a hallway, and sighed and entered the door with 'CHEMOTHERAPY' written on it, the door closing behind him.

"It was, at it's best when you and I were only three..""

Outside of Terrance and Phillip's rather large house, Terrance left the door with a fedora on, a trenchcoat and two suitcases, followed by his wife Katie who wore a similar outfit. They both walked toward the garage, which begins to open, showing off Terrance and Phillip's identical, square-wheeled cars.

"We can start with all the things that turn us out"

Ugly Bob finished writing on his paper bag ('Dear World, I'm sorry my ugliness has caused so much suffering. - Bob') and then took it off, revealing a noose around his neck as he then closes his eyes and raised his foot to kick the stool away.

"And we can go right down the list and throw them out"

A Canadian Judge banged his gavel, with Terrance and Celine in the stands of the court room. Terrance rose and cheered while Celine burst out crying, reaching toward Terrance and being held back by Frank and Doug the security guards

"Can we start start over?"

Phillip stood in his house holding a letter, looking in shock to see - CANCER: NEGATIVE.

"Can we start start over?"

Terrance and Scott the Giant Dick sat on the tundra behind a fort built of snow, tossing snowballs at eskimos when they turn and look at each other, then resume tossing their snowballs.

"It's all over."

A framed picture of 'Ugly Bob' appeared over a casket as a crowd including Terrance, Katie, Sally, Scott the Giant Dick, Phillip, Katherine, Celine Dion, the Prince and Princess of Canada, and Ike Broflovski. The Princess and Celine both bawled, but everyone else seemed fairly apathetic.

"It's all over."

Phillip and Katherine looked at each other in what appeared to be a legal office. Phillip glanced at Katherine, who to him seems to be just a giant tumor. He sighed and signs a paper with 'DIVORCE PAPERS' written at top.

xXx

As 'The End' flashed on the screen, the five boys looked at each other, "...that was..." Kyle began, trying to put his thoughts into the best possible words. It was hard to describe the shocking end to the episode he'd just viewed. "That was..."

"...fucking stupid! That episode sucked! Not only was it nof funny, at all, it was just a bunch of emo crap!" Cartman said angrily, ripping off his bald cap and glaring at the screen, "I can't believe they would air this abominable bullshit! That wasn't Terrance & Phillip! God, they're just fucking begging to be cancelled."

"Yeah, that was stupid, I mean I like how they brought back all the storylines, but they can't end it like that, it's too sad, that's not what Terrance & Phillip is about, it's about the joys of life and optimistic and stuff, not depressed stuff..." Stan explained, Kyle nodding - he was right. It was completely contradictory to the show's message.

Cartman rolled his eyes and hopped down, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." he pointed in the other direction as he began to walk off,

"Haha, you silly American wankers! Did you really think we'd end it like that!?" came a voice from the screen. Cartman turned to look and everyone's attention returned as Terrance and Phillip's heads appeared over the 'The End' lines, "Of course not! We've been pulling your legs! There's two more seasons left, this was just a big old joke. We love Terrance & Phillip! We're not going anywhere! Those last two episodes didn't even happen!" Fart. "Hahahaha!"

Kyle smirked and rose up cheering, knocking the popcorn bowl over and getting popcorn everywhere, "Woohoo! Hell yeah! Two more years! Twenty-eight more episodes!" Kyle cheered happily, jumping on the couch as Kenny and Stan hopped down.

"Kyle, you fucking gay piece of shit." Cartman said as he walked off, "See you guys at Stan's party next week." he said as he left, this clearly a waste of his valuable time. Kyle would normally glare but he was too busy partying his ass off.

"I'm gonna go home, too." Butters said, taking off the Saddam mask and coughing, "That sure was a w-w-weird episode, huh fellas? Yeah, I'm going home, too, my dad's probably waiting to beat me for being l-l-l-late home. You coming, Kenny?"

"Yeah. Misfits is on." Kenny said, following Butters, but not removing his costume like the other's. He waved off to Kyle as he walked out, more concerned with his new television show than whatever his friend was feeling. Stan looked at Kyle and raised an eyebrow,

"Well, I guess there's only one thing to do, Stan." Kyle took the plastic Phillip hair off his hat and looked at Stan with his 'idea face'. Stan raised an eyebrow.

xXx

Kyle sat at Stan's computer desk and with lightening speed typed up the URL he was looking for. Stan stood next to him, "Dude, you type fast, did you like, win a typing competition or something? That's insane, dude." Stan said in disbelief as Kyle began typing furiously. "Awh, what are you doing man?" Stan said looking at the screen to see the Official Terrance & Phillip message board. " Awh dammit! Come on dude, it's late, you better get home before your mom grounds you. Don't forget my party, dude." Stan said.

"Yeah, hold on." Kyle finished, clicked the mouse and hopped down, "Sorry, I always post my thoughts on a new episode on the forum before I do anything." he explained, "See you at the party." Kyle added as he left Stan's bedroom door.

The End