A/N 1: To say I was pleasantly surprised by the response to chapter nine would be the worst of all understatements. Thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited, and/or followed as a response. It is amazing to me that you guys are so invested. It thrills me so!
Chapter 10: This Is Good Too
The two of them sat on the bench seat facing one another, the shoe box that had prompted their outburst between them. They were both looking through the postcards she had sent, occasionally pausing to throw furtive glances at the other.
"I bet you're glad I'm a snoop now, aren't you?"
Logan laughed and held up the first postcard she had sent him after his spring break visit, flipping it around so she could see the Charles Dickens quote. "I didn't know what to do when you first started sending me these. It felt like we were going back to how things were."
Veronica's fingers traced the edges of the postcard she was holding. It was another she had sent him post spring break.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. – Judy Garland
She remembered how she struggled to add her own words to the notes she sent after he had visited, often settling for simply signing her name and allowing the quotes to speak for themselves. Sitting across from Logan, she still didn't know what to say, but the words of others had failed her previously so she figured she'd try her own.
"I didn't know what to say, Logan. That trip meant a lot to me and I was afraid of messing it up again."
"But you sent a letter."
And I didn't sleep for days after I had sent it.
She paused for a brief second before speaking; intentionally lacing each word she spoke with strength so he couldn't see how much this change of events had unnerved her.
"Yeah, eventually. And apparently you did too." Logan opened his mouth to say, what she didn't know, but she stopped him. "When I didn't hear from you, I guessed that maybe we weren't on the same page. That for once I was the one who wanted more than you were able to give."
The thought that maybe that's how things were now scared her more than sending the original letter had.
Joanna tried to convince me saying goodbye to Logan was going to be harder than I thought. Even she couldn't have seen this coming.
"Veronica, when have I ever not wanted what you offered me?"
She shrugged and at the same time pushed a memory aside of the two of them sitting similarly to how they were now. Then, they had been on her father's couch and the conversation ended with Logan being thrown out of the house.
"I expected a response right away, and then days turned into weeks and I still hadn't heard from you. I thought about calling you and asking what was going on, but it screamed of desperation, so I just kept waiting. When I got that stupid Barney postcard, I thought you were making a joke out of the whole thing."
"No wonder you ripped it up." He sighed and rested his head on the wall behind him. His eyes kept searching the room and only settled on her for seconds at a time.
She wanted to demand eye contact by taking hold of his hand but settled for rolling the hem of her dress between her fingers and shooting glances his way when she knew his eyes were averted. A ridiculous push and pull and she didn't know who was responsible.
"Then when I visited Neptune before moving to Chicago -" The admission she was about to make got stuck in her throat and she inwardly rolled her eyes at how small her voice sounded. She swallowed and tried again, looking him straight in the eye. "Wallace told me he had mentioned to you I was coming into town. But I got there, and you had left for Mexico."
Logan groaned. "Which told you I was ignoring you."
"Because you were." She meant the remark to be lighthearted but Logan's pained smile told her it had come out harsher than she meant.
He held her gaze for another second, but then ducked his head down, picking at invisible threads on the seat cushion. "I couldn't be around you knowing you didn't want what I wanted."
"I really wish you had been there." She still didn't know how much she should share with him. Her heart couldn't seem to decide what it actually wanted, and her head, usually so helpful, wasn't contributing anything worthwhile to the conversation.
She watched Logan find an actual loose thread and wrap it around his finger, pulling it taught and then ripping it from the cushion.
What if this is the one time we want different things?
This was a Logan she hadn't seen in a while: unsure of what to say and even more unsure of what to do with his hands. He kept shooting quick glances to the door, back to her, and then down to his hands. She scrunched her brow, uncertain why his eyes continued that pattern. The door. Her face. His hands.
She scooted an inch closer to him and his body tensed as the hem of her dress entered his peripheral vision. They both sat with one foot curled under their bodies, the other hanging off the side of the seat which caused their toes to bump as their legs swayed.
"After you moved to Chicago I called Wallace to ask about you." He sighed and kneaded his forehead with his hand. "He told me you were off-limits. He said that we could be friends, but that you were his best friend and until you came out and told him what was going on between us, he wasn't going to talk about it."
Her focus was still on the erratic nature of his glance and it took her a second longer than it should have to respond.
"This is probably one of those situations where it would have paid off to have a less loyal best friend." She reached into the box and pulled out the Pablo Neruda card. "I sent this one as a last ditch effort to let you know the door was still open. That I still wanted you."
He took the card from her, his eyes shooting to the door once more, and read the quote. "And I thought it was your way of saying you were giving up. That it was too intense."
"But you kept it."
"Glutton for punishment, remember?"
Veronica tried to laugh, but her voice wasn't cooperating and it came out as a weary half-sob. He still wasn't looking at her. His eyes again focused on his damn hands.
He shifted back so their toes no longer touched, and swung his legs around so they were both flat on the floor. His shoulders were hunched and he kept idly flipping the postcard over, reading first the quote, then her note on the other side: 'My dad can give you my new address.'
He was looking at her from his periphery, and despite the fact that he wasn't moving away, it felt like he was trying to put distance between the two of them. It was when she shifted in her seat and the action caused Logan to sit up straight and look at her with an almost panicked expression that she figured out what was going on.
He expects me to stand up and walk out.
The only way to prove him wrong was for her to stick this out.
"The odds were really against us on this one, weren't they?" he mused, repeatedly dog earring one small corner of the postcard and then flattening it back out.
She ducked her head down to try and meet his eyes. When she didn't speak right away, he seemed to get the hint and looked up at her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean between junior and senior year we mailed dozens of postcards. Of course it wasn't a quote by Dickens that got lost in the mail. No, it had to be my letter. Cue ridiculous domino effect."
While she had brought the evidence about her stalker with her, she had set aside any intention of actually filling Logan in about that part of her life when the events in his office unfolded as they did. Veronica shook her head, and placed the postcards and the letter back in the box, hoping he'd settle for a minimal amount of information. At least for the moment.
"I don't think your letter got lost in the mail." She attempted to deliver that piece of information with ease, but wasn't surprised when Logan reacted strongly.
He tossed the card he held back into the box and rotated his body to face her again. "What the hell happened to it then?"
She swallowed and looked up at him. "I think it was taken before I could read it."
Not too many questions tonight, please.
She mentally repeated the plea, willing Logan to understand she was reticent to give all the details. It was clear from the way Logan jumped off the bench seat and started pacing back and forth that his emotional antennae was not finely tuned at the moment.
"What the fuck, Veronica? Who was it? Alison?"
"It wasn't Alison. She wouldn't have done that." She toed the thread that Logan had tossed on the ground. "She knew how I felt."
Or, rather, how I feel. Present tense.
"Then, who?"
She looked up at him and almost smiled at the look of despair on his face. He seemed as devastated by the catalogue of newly discovered facts as she was. The difference was it was plain on his face, while she was still able to keep some of hers well hidden.
"It's a theory I'm working on. I'll let you know soon." Logan frowned and looked like he was about to argue. "I promise. I'll tell you soon."
He exhaled a heavy breath, laced his fingers together and cradled the back of his head with his hands. His pacing had slowed, but he was still in constant motion.
The tight embrace he had wrapped her in when she had tried to leave was the only time he had intentionally touched her while in his office, and he didn't seem to have any intention of repeating the action. Consciously or not he kept inching away from her.
She stood up, uncertain if she intended to move closer to him or further away.
When she stood his eyes went up to the ceiling, as if instructions for how the rest of their interaction was supposed to transpire were written above him. She almost looked up as well, hoping for inspiration of her own.
"We're idiots," he said. "Leave it to us to let the US postal system screw us over."
She laughed, although not from any actual amusement. There was more distance between the two of them now than when there were still secrets hidden. It all provided more evidence for her long held theory that some people couldn't handle all the facts.
"It's really kind of embarrassing," she said, choosing to stay rooted to her spot. "We could have called. We could have made Mac or Wallace spill. Our antiquated mating rituals really did us in this time."
He smirked and she almost breathed a sigh of relief at the way his face relaxed. But then her face got hot when she realized the implication of what she said. "I just meant -"
Logan laughed and interrupted her attempt to backpedal. "They didn't do us in. Just prolonged the foreplay."
She must really be losing it for an offhanded comment to almost cause her to burst into tears.
If he doesn't actually mean that, I'm going to kill him.
It could have been her acknowledgment that more had been interrupted by his missing letter than correspondence between friends. Or, maybe it was that she was still standing in the room despite her obvious discomfort. But in that moment, something caused Logan to stop putting distance between the two of them. His eyes now focused on her and they didn't waver.
He moved closer, but rather than hugging her or touching her skin, he twirled the hair of one of her pigtails around his finger. "I like the pigtails. Reminds me of high school."
She observed the way he continued to play with her hair and looked up at him. Taking a deep breath, she moved her head just enough to cause her hair to slip out from Logan's grip. "Why didn't you come to LA? When I didn't respond, I mean. Why didn't you show up and demand an answer?"
Logan let a puff of air escape his lips and wrinkled his brow at her. He didn't answer right away, but reached up to run a strand of her hair through his fingers. The casual intimacy of the gesture overwhelmed her.
"Knowing everything I do now, I wish I would have, but I spent the three years you were in LA trying to prove to myself I was good enough for you. Making myself someone I thought you might love again one day." He dropped the strand of hair and it tickled her shoulder where it fell. "When, at the end of that, you still didn't seem to want what I offered, I didn't know what else to do. I had to move on."
Her face fell for a moment, but then she eased it into an expression of calm. That was it. What she had told her dad two days prior was true. She had missed her window, and Logan had moved on.
He brushed the hair off her shoulder, and rested his hand there for a moment. The heat from his palm radiated from where he touched and spread down her arm. Something wasn't lining up the way it was supposed to.
If he had really moved on, then what were they doing standing so close?
"But you've been you since I've been here." She looked to the bit of skin he had just touched for emphasis, and then back at his face.
Little touches. Flirty comments. Longing looks. The whole Logan Echolls package.
He rubbed the back of his own neck and then gave a little shrug. "I didn't say I was good at moving on. I tried, even came close a few times."
Out of his line of sight, she reached out her hand to grasp his. "I tried too."
She turned her attention to Logan's hand, which she grabbed by taking a tentative hold of his middle finger. She looked up to find him staring at her. He noticeably swallowed, but didn't make any move to either hold her hand or move his away, so she slowly inched her fingers up his palm and let them rest there.
There was absolutely no reason that simply touching fingers should cause one's breath to quicken, but her action seemed to have that effect on both of them.
"What would you have said?" Logan asked. His voice was low and all of his attention was on their not quite clasped hands.
"To what?"
She slid her fingers down his palm and rotated her hand so their fingers were lined up. All he needed to do now to hold her hand was to spread the fingers of his hand half an inch, and they would effortlessly fall together. As much as she liked to be in control, she needed him to take that step. To show her that this wasn't just her own wish fulfillment. That he still wanted her.
"In my letter I said I wanted to move to Chicago when you started med school. That I wanted to be with you. If you had read it, what would you have said?"
She prepared herself for his reaction to the sting of what she was about to confess. "I don't know, Logan."
Rather than drop her hand, he chose that moment to hold hers tightly, and she filed the moment away as a memory to relish. She had expressed uncertainty, but he hadn't been repelled by it. That fact alone made the task of saying everything else she needed to less arduous.
"I can't tell you what Veronica two years ago would have said, but I know she would have wanted the chance to figure it out with you."
She felt him relax slightly, his attention still on their hands. "What about Veronica now? If I said I was still in love with you. That I've read that letter you sent more times than I care to admit, and that I hope you still feel the same." He raised their hands and kissed her knuckles. "If I said that I would pick up tomorrow and move to Chicago to be with you, what would you say?"
She tried to maintain an indifferent expression, but she could feel the corners of her mouth tugging up into a small smile. His words had caused an overwhelming amount of relief to wash over her, but it was unlike any relief she had ever felt before. Rather than bringing a sense of calm, it caused her body to burn hot with anticipation.
She had always hated that damned Colbie Caillat song, but she did in fact feel bubbly all the way to her toes.
She put her free hand in the pocket of her dress and began to drum her fingers on her thigh. A move she had picked up from Logan. "Is this a hypothetical?"
"No."
"Then, I'd probably have to say, I don't know." He nodded and tugged lightly on their clasped hands to bring her an inch closer.
Of course, now that I need distance to think, he brings me close.
"Logan, we can't pretend the past two years haven't happened. I mean, both of us let the other person walk away." The drumming of her fingers picked up speed as she spit the words out. "But, I want the chance to figure it out."
They were such simple words, but their impact on Logan was startling. He let out a huge sigh, his entire body noticeably relaxed, and a large grin broke out across his face.
"Me too."
There was more they needed to say. She wanted to tell him about Skyler. Maybe let him know that she had been in therapy too, but the way he was smiling at her made it near impossible for her to broach any subject with even mildly negative overtones. Those things would keep.
"What are you smiling at, Echolls?" To her ears, it sounded less like she was speaking and more like she was laughing.
"You. You make me happy."
She raised an eyebrow as she creased her forehead, her look incredulous.
He laughed. "Okay, most days you make me happy."
She threw her head back with a laugh and didn't notice his free hand had moved until it came to rest on her shoulder. The new sensation of touch prompted her to bring her focus back to him.
"So, it's you and me, figuring this out together?" She was momentarily embarrassed by how vulnerable she sounded, but Logan's enthusiastic nod as a response told her it was the right question to ask.
She took a deep breath and Logan's expression transformed to one of intense study as he inspected the way his five fingers and palm connected with her shoulder. She looked up at him and frowned in mild confusion.
What is he thinking?
Slowly, Logan ran his short fingernails along her shoulder blade and down her upper arm. She knew he could see the way his action caused goosebumps to break out on her skin and she took another breath to calm herself.
She looked at him and kissed the knuckles of his hand which she still held, repeating his earlier gesture. Instead of dropping their hands, she moved his to rest on her other shoulder and looked up at him. It was both a challenge and an invitation.
He pressed down with light pressure, and then drifted his fingertips across her collarbone and back around to her shoulder blade. She smiled and closed her eyes for a moment, letting herself enjoy the sensation.
I remember this. Moving on probably would have been a lot easier if I hadn't.
He let out a slow breath, pressed his forehead to hers, and then pulled back. A soft smile tugged at his lips as he looked down at her. Veronica's breath hitched when she realized what was coming and she fought like hell to keep her eyes open.
I know that face. That's Logan's 'prelude to a kiss' face.
She wanted this. She wanted to be pressed up against his chest. She wanted to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. But, what she really wanted was for him to move things along a little more quickly.
She stood there, her skin buzzing everywhere Logan touched, and she waited.
After ten seconds of measured breathing she realized he had no intention of moving quickly. When another fifteen passed, it became clear he actually wasn't going to make any move at all.
He touched his forehead to hers again, planted a light kiss there, and then slid his hands along her arms until they found her hands. He held both of them against his chest for a few seconds and then stepped back.
"We should go out to the party. Our time has been up for a while now." He wasn't even looking at her anymore. Instead his eyes were focused over her shoulder.
As soon as she could speak again she was going to launch into a rant that was laced with so much fury that he'd feel the aftershocks well past Christmas and into the New Year.
Veronica didn't try to hide the annoyance at this radical shift, and rolled her eyes as she took her hands out of his grasp. "Yup, let's go do that. Sounds like fun." She shook her head at him and stepped away to collect her shoes from where they sat near the bench seat.
Great to see his brand of dumbass hasn't been discontinued. It's just been repackaged so I almost didn't recognize it.
He groaned, and she heard him breathe out the word "Shit" as she put on her shoes and moved towards the door. Then just like the last time she had tried to leave his office, he moved to stand in front of her, only this time his hands rested on her waist.
She looked from his hands to his face and quirked an eyebrow, wondering if he could read the words 'Fuck You' in the way she stared him down.
The single burst of laughter he let out told her he more or less understood.
"Guess I'm sending some mixed signals, huh?" He tightened his grip on her waist and while she didn't move away, she crossed her arms across her chest to close herself off to him.
She narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth to let loose a litany of insults and expletives that only he ever seemed to inspire.
He laughed again and preemptively interrupted her. "Veronica, it's pretty simple. If I start kissing you right now, I'm not going to want to stop. And there are five teenage girls less than three hundred feet from us that could come inside at any moment."
That she wasn't expecting. And while it was an admission that he had some decidedly indecent intentions, there was also an element of sweetness that she was moved by. She smiled and shook her head at him, this time with more admiration and less annoyance. She put a finger to her mouth and tapped her lips a few times, thinking.
"Is holding hands okay?" she asked, and moved her hands to where his still rested on her waist.
He blew out a puff of air, in what she assumed was relief, and nodded. He pivoted so they stood side by side, and took hold of her hand, placing a kiss on her wrist.
Hello contentment, my old friend. Where have you been?
She smiled and held in a small sigh she wanted to let out. No need to let him know just how much he affected her. "And I've mentioned responsible Logan is sexy, right? Because that's still true."
Dammit. I said that out loud.
She was surprised that her admission wasn't met with a smirk and waggle of his eyebrows. Instead he rolled his eyes skyward as they walked out of his office and then kissed her temple.
"I can probably get them out of here in twenty minutes, thirty tops."
"You can try." When they reached the patio, Heather was the first to spot them, and her eyes immediately went to their hands. She screamed and jumped off the ledge of the pool she was sitting on, and into the water to swim to the opposite edge where Logan and Veronica were standing. "But I think Heather has other plans."
Logan looked helpless as Heather climbed out of the pool, a stream of water following her as she kept repeating, "No frickin' way," and came to stand in front of them.
She grabbed their hands and inspected the way they held on to one another. "Ohmigod!" She screamed the words and then launched herself at Logan, giving him a sopping wet hug.
Heather let go of Logan, and took Veronica's free hand and pulled her away from him. "Veronica, I want my friends to meet you. And then you're going to tell me about how you and Logan got back together. And I need your advice on who I should invite to Sadie Hawkin's next month."
Veronica looked over her shoulder at Logan, and he just shrugged taking a few steps back in the direction of the kitchen, a smile on his face. She returned the smile and took a breath. She used to be a teenage girl; she could do this.
After dinner, Heather and her friends sat in the hot tub, drank virgin margaritas, and giggled nonstop. Logan and Veronica were stretched out on a lounge chair, his arm wrapped around her shoulder, drinking the alcoholic version of the same beverage the girls had. After a particularly loud burst of laughter from the hot tub, Veronica turned her face to look at Logan.
"You sure the margaritas you gave them don't have any alcohol?'
"You kidding me? You think I'd let a bunch of 16 year olds drink?"
Veronica laughed and sat her drink down on the ground. "We did."
"Yeah, but I also had sex as a 16 year old and Heather's not having sex until she's at least 25. We've discussed it."
"I'm sure that went over well." She snuggled into his side and took a small breath in, trying to imprint and catalogue the ways he smelled both the same and different from the last time they had been this close. "We're not even 25. Should we wait to have sex again until we are?"
He flicked her nose and she crinkled it at him. "The difference is I want to defile you." He gestured at Heather with his free arm. "I want to put her in a human size hamster ball."
"Used to be a time when you wanted to buy one of those for me too."
"Still do, but I'd make sure it was roomy enough for me to have plenty of space to defile you."
Never thought I'd see a day where hamster balls became sexy.
"There's a concept for a nightclub in there somewhere."
She began rubbing small circles on Logan's stomach, a move he used to like quite a bit, and something he apparently still enjoyed, if the way his breath hitched was any indication.
Veronica wasn't entirely certain what they were doing. She knew in the physical sense they were lying on a chair together, bantering at Logan's house. Her confusion came from the fact that a few hours prior she had come to Logan's to get answers about their relationship that she had assumed would lead to them parting ways amicably.
There was no permutation of answers that she'd thought Logan could give that would lead to the two of them lying poolside, with Logan nobly trying to keep the arm behind her from touching her ass.
I kind of thought this torch I was carrying around would be properly extinguished by the end of the night.
She usually hated being wrong. But if being wrong meant she got to be pressed up close enough to Logan so that she'd leave his house with the scent of his cologne on her skin, then she figured she could get used to the idea.
"Uncle Logan!" Heather called out to him as she got out of the hot tub. "You still have Ben and Jerry's left from our movie night?"
"In the house, but if you drip on my floor…."
"I know, I know, they'll never find the body."
Veronica sat up and crossed her legs under her. "She calls you 'Uncle Logan'?"
He sat up too, and turned her around to sit in the space between his legs so he could wrap his arms around her waist. "Telling people she was the little sister of my friend's ex-wife made them look at me like I was Woody Allen. They seem to be able to get their heads around uncle."
Veronica watched as Heather ran out of Logan's house, holding five spoons and two pints of ice cream and got back in the hot tub. She opened both pints, handed out the spoons, and the girls passed the ice cream around in a circle.
Logan placed a kiss on Veronica's shoulder and mumbled into her skin. She wondered if he was even aware of how close they were now sitting.
Seems like the margaritas he's had has lowered his inhibitions just enough to want to cuddle. Totally cool with it.
"What was that?" she asked.
"I don't know how Aaron did it," he repeated, and she felt her body tense at the change in subject.
She looked back at him and then followed his gaze to the hot tub. "Lilly was Heather's age when Aaron -" His voice trailed off and he continued to place kisses on her shoulder. Some were quick pecks while a few lingered. She knew he was trying to provide them both with comfort as he spoke. "I know we all acted like we were grownups but, fuck Veronica. She was just a kid."
Logan buried his head in her shoulder and breathed deeply. It had been years since she had really talked about what Aaron had done. She had gotten close with Joanna, skirting over the specifics to talk about residual feelings of loss she felt with Lilly, but hadn't allowed herself to go there yet. It surprised her the way hearing the two syllables of his name made her feel nauseous.
"We were all just kids, Logan. And we dealt with some twisted stuff. The fact that you and I are here, semi-functioning members of society, is a miracle, honestly."
"Well, you had your dad. There's no way he would have let you screw up your life."
I came quite close a few times.
She leaned back into his chest and placed her hands over his. She hated being reminded of exactly how much of life he had done on his own, without any support. "You didn't screw up your life either."
His silence told her he didn't quite believe her.
"I visited his grave a couple months ago." He tightened his grip around her waist and Veronica sucked in a breath. "It was Lilly's anniversary."
"Why'd you go?"
He shrugged, and while that gesture sometimes came off as dismissive, she knew that in this case he honestly didn't know.
"When I got there, I just started screaming at him. I made my way to the caretaker's shed, and found a shovel and a hammer. Aaron's fans have planted flowers over the years and I ripped them all up. I bashed in the front of his grave marker and didn't stop until I started to chip away at the stone. I got home that night and drank until I passed out. The cemetery called me the next day to tell me his plot had been defiled and I just laughed."
He let go of Veronica's waist and slid back to put distance between the two of them. "Some things really don't change, right?"
Note to self. Margaritas also put Logan in self-loathing mode.
Veronica turned around so she was facing him and put a hand to his chest. She wanted to avoid any platitudes that would come off as trite, but wasn't certain exactly what he needed. Their intimacy was a little rusty. She took a deep breath and put her other hand over his heart, feeling the rhythm under her palm.
"You're not perfect, Logan. Think about just how badly that night could have gone." She reached up and lifted his chin so he looked her in the eye as she spoke. "You could have driven drunk, you could have beat someone up. Considering the options, you did pretty good."
He looked away from her, but a small smile ghosted his lips. Seeing the way he listened, and actually seemed to hear her, made her breathe a little easier.
Oh my god. We're actually doing this.
His smile grew when she picked up his hands and put them back on her waist. "I like your hands better here," she explained, giving him a little shrug.
He leaned forward and placed a kiss on the tip of her nose and hugged her close to him.
"Kissing still not allowed?"
This had to have been the most amount of time they had ever gone between reconciling and making out. While she was impressed by his self-control, she was also starting to worry that his restraint was an indication that his feelings had cooled.
He looked over her shoulder at the girls nearby. "I don't think it's a good idea," he said, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.
She wondered if he realized how his words and his actions didn't quite line up. He had now kissed her on her temple, her nose, her shoulder, and cheek. His resolve was definitely weakening.
"You're wrong. I think it's a very good idea." She moved her hands under the edge of his t-shirt and ran her fingernails lightly on the skin of his lower back, certain that she wasn't going to let it go further with a hot tub of teenage girls nearby, but enjoying Logan's reactions all the same.
And if it got him riled up enough so that he kissed her senseless the moment the girls left, so be it.
"Veronica…"
A giggle a little too close to their lounge chair and Heather's voice interrupted them. "Uncle Logan, can you stop groping Veronica long enough to help me set up a movie downstairs?"
Veronica laughed and tilted her head up to whisper in his ear. "If she thinks this qualifies as groping, she really is nothing like you as a teenager."
He smirked at her and pulled far enough away from Veronica to look at Heather. "What time is it?" Heather shrugged, so Veronica pulled out her cell phone and showed Logan that it was just after 9:30 PM. "No movie tonight. It's too late and you all need to get home."
"You're just showing off because Veronica is here. But fine, we'll go. We'll use my room to change." She waved her friends out of the hot tub and they came out one by one, waving at Veronica and Logan and giggling as they ran inside.
Once they got off the lounge chair, Veronica headed straight to the kitchen to give Logan privacy as he played the protective uncle role.
She opened the fridge and found a large pitcher of cold water and poured herself a glass. While she was 95% sober, she wanted to get to at least 97% before heading home. She sat on a stool at the island in Logan's kitchen, drinking her water, and swinging her legs back and forth.
This feels good, and right, and damn comfortable.
Before the door closed behind the girls, she heard Heather ask Logan, "Where's Veronica?"
Seconds later Heather was running into the kitchen and pulling Veronica into a messy hug, her arms pinned at her sides. The move startled her, but as Heather gripped her tighter, Veronica found herself touched by her sincerity.
"You okay, Heather?"
"I like it when you're together. He's more him when you're together."
She didn't know why Heather was so certain her words were true. She and Logan hadn't ever dated during the time Heather was in his life, but her tone didn't waver, and Veronica knew she believed the words she spoke.
"Can we hang out when you're in town?" Heather asked, pulling back from the hug.
"Like I'm going to deny Logan's best girl anything." Heather beamed at the compliment. "You have my number. Call me anytime."
Veronica stood up to give Heather a real hug and spoke in her ear. "I'm more me when we're together too."
Snarkier. Sometimes moodier. But most certainly more myself.
Heather pulled back and grinned at Veronica and then walked out of the kitchen, passing Logan as she did. He held up his hand for a high five, which she responded to immediately, and Veronica laughed as their hands effortlessly connected in a blind low five behind their backs.
Earlier in the evening, watching that silly gesture that bespoke of how well Heather and Logan knew each other, would have only made her aware of how much of Logan's life was closed off to her. But now, while she still didn't know it all, Logan was inviting her back in.
"Lock the door behind you," Logan called out over his shoulder.
"Do I look dumb to you?" Another burst of giggles, and then Veronica heard the door close and lock.
"She has her own key?"
Logan shrugged and walked over to the freezer, pulling out another pint of ice cream. He grabbed two spoons from the drawer and then held the pint out to Veronica.
She wondered if all those years ago she had made him a Chunky Monkey fan, or if he had bought the ice cream for her, knowing she was coming over. When Logan noticed her perusal of the pint and gave a little self-deprecating shrug, she knew it was the latter.
"The blue room is practically hers. And her mom remarried to a real douche, so she stays over from time to time. If she stays over on a weeknight, I have to leave for work before she goes to school. It seemed easier."
He leaned over to take a bite of ice cream and then put his spoon on the counter. "I have to go get something from my office. Save me some ice cream."
Veronica already had a large spoonful in her mouth and she fluttered her eyelashes at him, but didn't say anything.
When he left the kitchen she swore to herself that she absolutely would not time how long it took for him to get back, but when she heard the door to his office open and close and her mental stopwatch hit 22 seconds, she groaned.
So much for playing it cool.
Logan closed the office door behind him and took a deep breath.
Holy shit.
Those two words seemed to be on a repeated loop in his brain. The loop started the moment the final pieces of information came together regarding what had actually happened between him and Veronica. It sped up a frightening amount when she started touching him by the pool. And now it seemed to be backed up by the kind of music they played in movie trailers for fantasy films. It was all operatic vocals, driving rhythms, and timpani drums.
He couldn't seem to convince himself to just enjoy the moment. No, he had to go and let his damn insecurity convince him that Murphy's Law was going to get the last word in this whole scenario.
His reconciliation with Veronica was just a sneaky way for the world to convince him it was on his side before it fucked him over.
He sat down at his computer and began searching through files, clicking on absurdly titled document names.
Mac hated his old filing system, but he had insisted that naming them in such a unique way would ensure he would always remember the contents. It hadn't worked. He had spent a considerable amount of time renaming many of them, but there were still hundreds left to sort.
After clicking on one titled 'Clichés and other b.s.' that ended up being an e.e. cummings poem he read at a friend's wedding, and another titled 'Go ahead, waste your life' that was a list of books and movies he intended to buy one day, he almost gave up.
But then he found a document titled 'Obligations, pacts, and pledges' in a file labeled 'Misc.'. All synonyms for the word 'promises.' Damn him for being a sentimental, masochistic fool.
He double clicked on the document and his eyes scanned the five pages of single spaced writing. He had expected to feel embarrassed as he read over the words he originally penned close to two years prior. He hadn't expected for so many of them to still ring true.
I don't know whether to be pissed it took us this long to figure things out, or just grateful we finally did.
He was pretty sure that exact thought had flitted through his mind whilst they were in his office earlier.
I can't date you casually. I can't see just see where things go. If we kiss again, I'm a goner, and I can't be a goner when you're not even aware of what you're signing up for.
Okay, that was admittedly a touch melodramatic, but he could still stand behind the intended meaning.
It hit him then that Veronica was still unaware of everything he had put on the line all those months ago. Before they went any further, he needed her to know.
He printed off a copy of the letter and folded it in half, slipping it into his back pocket. While some of what he had written sounded like it was from the mind of a goth kid who had been given his very first feelings journal, he still wanted her to read it.
And now all he had to do was go out to where Veronica was sitting and convince her to slow down their reunion.
Holy shit. She's going to kill me.
When Logan finally came back into the kitchen, Veronica was licking her spoon clean. She smirked at the dramatic double take he gave her when he saw she had eaten more than half of the pint. "You've known me since I was 12. This surprises you?"
It also serves you right for being gone 384 seconds.
He sat on the stool next to hers and took the pint away. Rather than fight him for the ice cream, she placed her spoon on the counter and angled her body towards him, scooting her stool a couple inches closer.
She frowned when she saw his jaw tense just the slightest amount. Something had changed in the time he had gone into his office, but she decided not to spend too much time mulling it over, and instead went for their tried and true method of reconciling. She leaned forward and placed a kiss on his neck, smiling against his skin.
I think I'm making him nervous. God, that shouldn't make me as happy as it does.
She placed another kiss on his neck and Logan swallowed the bite he had in his mouth. It didn't escape her notice that it seemed to take a little more effort than it should. She kicked her flip flops off her feet and ran one foot up and down Logan's bare calf, and then pressed her lips to his neck a third time. Logan jumped off his stool and took several steps back, his spoon clattering to the ground as he did.
Okay, that hurts a little.
"What's wrong?" She understood needing to keep it PG with the girls around, but now it was just the two of them.
"Nothing - I just - I just need to give you something, and you're distracting me." He picked up his spoon and placed it on the countertop, then pulled out a stack of papers from his back pocket, and held them out to her.
She took it with a creased forehead. "What's this?"
"It's the letter I wrote you."
Veronica's eyes went wide when she realized what she was holding. They went even wider when she unfolded the pages and saw just how much he had written.
As her eyes drifted from the letter to his face, Logan shrugged. A faint blush warmed the apples of his cheeks and he tugged at the edge of his sleeves. "I had a lot I wanted to say."
She nodded and set it down on the countertop, trailing her fingers across the granite as she walked to stand in front of him.
He looked at her and pointed at the letter. "Don't you want to read that?"
She smiled and moved closer to him. "I'll read it when I get home." Standing in front of him, she pressed her hands to his chest. "So, it's just you and me now."
Now that she knew why he had been acting so strange, she was sure he was just as eager as she was to eliminate the distance between them.
Logan swallowed and nodded. He placed his hands on her shoulders, his elbows slightly bent, but not enough to bring her close.
She slid her arms around his waist as she took a deep breath. They were four hours into their reconciliation, and in the past he would have already had her pinned up against a wall, kissing as much of her skin as he could reach. She was a little confused as to why he was working so hard to stay in control of the situation.
He kissed the top of her head, but didn't make any effort to pull her closer, so she repeated her actions poolside, slipping her hands under his shirt and running her fingernails along his lower back. She was barely touching his skin, but it was as if his back was charged, shooting sensation into her fingertips and through the rest of her body.
Let's see him try and maintain control now.
If he didn't make a move soon, she was going to snap with the tension his restraint was causing.
How can he be so damn calm?
"Veronica –"
"That's me," she said, rising up on her toes and placing a kiss onto his Adam's apple. When she saw the way he swallowed and raised his eyes upward she chuckled. It was all a façade. He wasn't nearly as collected as he appeared to be.
Maybe he just needs a little push.
"You know, you could pull me closer. I wouldn't mind." She smiled up at him but then frowned when she noticed that his eyes were screwed shut. She gave a quick rap to his chest to get his attention. "You with me, Echolls?"
He looked down at her and grimaced. "Don't hate me."
"Has there ever been a conversation started that way that has ended well?" His words instantly made her anxious, and she wondered if he could hear the way her speech shook.
The familiar prick of tears was in the corner of her eye and she began to plan how she would backtrack in order to come out of this whole scenario unscathed. She took her hands out from under his shirt, but kept them firmly on his lower back.
She heard him mumble, what she assumed was an explanation, but his voice was so low she couldn't hear him.
"Come again?"
He groaned and looked down at her. "I think we should take things slow."
I wasn't aware that this was fast.
She frowned as he put a few inches of distance between them.
"Duly noted." She dropped her arms from around his waist and backed up to give them even more space.
She silenced the timid voice inside her head that insisted she ask him what she did wrong. Screw that voice. Another voice piped up and told her to give him hell. Now that voice she could get behind.
"I was kind of hoping for a kiss." She crossed her arms and shook her head when she saw how bereft he looked at their total loss of physical contact. "But, it's painfully obvious that's not going to happen." She tried to keep her tone even, but the way she sharply accented each syllable betrayed her.
Logan groaned and tried to respond, rather unsuccessfully, several times. His sentence ended up being a series of unrelated one syllable words. "Wait - I – could? – what? – shit." After uttering the expletive, he held his head in his hands.
If she hadn't been wound up from the potent mixture of confusion, anger and self-doubt, she would have found Logan's inability to string a coherent sentence together quite amusing.
He wiped his hands over his face and took a series of short staccato breaths, and then finally managed to get out half of an explanation. "I mean, it's only been four hours. Maybe we should take things –"
She put up a hand to stop him from continuing. "Slow. You said that already." She turned her back on him to collect her flip flops from where she had kicked them off, and slid them back on.
When she turned around, he looked at her with a pained expression and opened his mouth to speak again, but then snapped his jaw shut.
When we dated I couldn't get him to shut up, and now he can't put two words together.
It was taking every ounce of energy she had to make herself stay where she was. "What happened to 'I won't want to stop kissing you'?"
He took a step towards her and she shook her head to stop him. "Please don't touch me right now, Logan. You need to stay in that spot and tell me what the hell is going on." If the sharp tone of her words failed to communicate that this wasn't open for discussion, the expression on her face certainly did.
He took a step back and exhaled a heavy breath. "When I was looking for that letter, I started thinking – "
Veronica interrupted him. "And this train of thought led you to the conclusion that kissing me would be bad?" She shook her head with exasperation. "Boy, you sure know how to charm the ladies."
"Dammit, Veronica. You wanted me to explain, and I'm trying." He picked up the letter from the countertop and shuffled through the pages, holding it up for her to see. "Ridiculous length aside, there's a lot of things in here that I need you to know. Before anything else happens between us."
She frowned, trying to understand. "What else do I need to know? I told you I wanted this."
He folded the letter back up and slid it a few inches closer to her. "I just want to be sure about us before –"
She winced at Logan's words and looked around the room for a place to focus her eyes. Anywhere besides his face.
"Oh, god, Veronica. I - " He trailed off and rubbed a hand over his face.
Veronica's pursed her lips and nodded in false understanding. "I thought you were sure. Clearly that was my mistake."
He put out a hand to touch her arm, but seeing that he was too far away to do so without stepping closer, he stopped himself. He settled for drumming his fingers against his thigh.
He took a breath. "Look, you say you would have responded to my letter if you had gotten it two years ago, but how do you know that?"
She narrowed her eyes at him and shook her head. "Because I know, Logan. I know what I felt then."
Logan opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off. He huffed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair.
"Dammit. I thought you knew that about me? If I want something, I go for it. Yes, there were times in the past when what I wanted was the worst thing for me, but those were my mistakes to make." She wrapped her arms around her waist to comfort herself and shot him a resolute glare. "And that isn't what is happening here. Screw you for thinking otherwise."
Logan's mouth was slightly agape as she spoke, but he tightened his expression into a grim smile. He closed his eyes and blew out a steady stream of air.
With his attention elsewhere, she rubbed her eyes, preemptively wiping away any tears that dared form. Part of her wanted to demand an apology, but the other part recognized his uncertainty had a lot more to do with him than it did with her.
I feel like I've been two seconds away from losing it this entire conversation.
Logan threw his head back and looked up at his kitchen ceiling, then down at her. She could see his nervous energy in the way he repeatedly rubbed the thumb and middle finger of one of his hands together. "Do you get where I'm coming from? At all?"
Despite her previous attempt to get rid of any evidence to the contrary, her eyes were watery.
"Sure. I get it." She wiped at them, settling her face into an expression of calm. "Do you get where I'm coming from?"
He nodded and stilled his hands, crossing his arms across his chest.
She grabbed the letter off the countertop, wanting nothing more than to rip it up, as if it was to blame for the way the evening had gone. The moment she got to her dad's house, she was going to camp out on the couch and watch Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Vol. 2.
No way Uma Thurman would stand for this shit.
She wanted to walk out now. But, Logan had already stopped her from leaving twice that day. It wasn't fair for him to keep her from going a third time.
She settled for picking the spoons up from the counter and throwing them in the sink. It was childish, but she enjoyed the way the noise startled him. "Can you walk me to my car, please?"
As she passed by, he grabbed her hand and brought her palm to his lips. If she had been quicker, she would have pulled her hand away before he could reach her. But ultimately she was thankful for the way the thick emotions of the evening had slowed her reaction time. He wasn't rejecting her.
His stare didn't waver as he spoke. "I am sure of you, I promise Veronica." He lowered his voice, and ran his thumb along her wrist. "I'm just not sure – do you really want to be with me?"
There goes the myth that therapy fixes people. Looks like some of that insecurity is still there.
She took a finger of the hand he kissed and ran it along his jawline, meeting his sad eyes with her own, and making a decision while she did. She would give him as much damn time as he needed.
"I guess we're both still works in progress, huh?"
He nodded and touched his forehead to hers.
She saw him clench his hands to stop himself from wrapping his arms around her waist, and while she craved more contact, she was touched by how hard he was trying.
They left the kitchen, their hands not quite touching, but occasionally brushing up against one another. He picked up her messenger bag from the entryway and held it for her as they walked to her car.
Logan opened the door and she slid into the front seat, but then turned so her legs still hung outside.
"Do you think this will go down in history as the worst reunion of all time, or do The Spice Girls still hold that honor?" She smiled and raised an eyebrow to let him know she was mostly joking.
He let out a small laugh. Just that little bit of levity released much of the tension between the two of them.
She tilted her head and raised her cheek up, inviting him to kiss her.
He smiled, placed a light kiss there, and then pulled back. "Can I take you out tomorrow night?"
She returned his smile and nodded. "Pick me up at 7:30?"
"See you then." He kissed her on the cheek again.
It's not frantic makeup sex, but this is good too.
This time when Logan pulled back from kissing her cheek, his brow was furrowed. She reached up and smoothed out the wrinkle between his brows, prompting him to smile.
"You're not mad at me?" He brought his hand up to her cheek and hesitated before tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear.
"My feelings are a little hurt. And, if we're still having this conversation thirty years from now, I'll be upset. But I can take things slow if that's what you need."
Look at us actually being grown up instead of just playing at it.
Logan's rested his hand on her shoulder and she could feel him drumming his fingers lightly against her skin. She looked up to ask him what he was doing, but when she saw the look of concentration on his face, she thought maybe he was trying to memorize the feeling of her skin.
"Logan?" Her voice brought his focus back to her face. "I'll read the letter, and I'll see you tomorrow."
He nodded and moved back, allowing his fingers to slowly trail from her shoulder to her fingertips. "See you tomorrow."
She started the ignition and pulled out of his driveway, watching from her rearview mirror as his gate closed behind her. Maybe she'd just watch Vol. 1 when she got to her dad's. She'd save Vol. 2 for the next time Logan pissed her off.
She smiled as she drove. Knowing him, she'd probably get to watch it before the weekend was over.
A/N 2: This chapter was almost all written before I left for vacation, but I've been editing, doing major rewrites, and tweaking nonstop. I'm so glad I did! My beta, Scandalpants, did SO much to help me (including reading the whole flippin' thing twice this time, and twice before vacation). Also big thanks to ShanghaiLily who provided amazing concrit on an early version of the kitchen scene.
A/N 3: Hit me up with a review! Last chapter was my most reviewed of all time but I really believe we can all work together to break that record with this chapter :)